28. Should You Relocate (as an alienated parent)?

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 28. welcome to be on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grace of alienation I'm your host Shelby Melford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned y'all the membership is still open come join us it's fun I mean it is it's a great group it's a great group and um you know we're all wanting to do the same thing which is to heal our insides and our outsides from experiencing the alienation that we have right and so

um the group is you know we've got weekly coaching calls we have you have a course that you do every month with you know there's videos and then you have a workbook that you follow a daily workbook you know stuff that you that you do to retrain your brain on how to think so that you are using this amazing powerful tool that you have up in your head for your good as opposed to it being your own enemy you know I teach you guys all the tools that I've used through the years that I've been doing my healing which is always still a work in progress I'm still healing you know all the time so I always find little areas but so yeah that's what we do and the program we also have a community

where you guys can just go Post in things that you found kind of like you would do on Facebook or you can also do your own Live Events where you can just get on video call like this with other members or whatever and so it is such an amazing program I think of course I created it so of course I think it's amazing but I really stand by it I stand behind it and I love love love what I've created so far and I can't wait to further grow it and grow it and grow it more and you get access when you join you get access to all of the months prior so it would be we started in February so you get February March April and then you would you know whatever of course going forward so you get all of

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it's worth it I promise you won't regret it hey guys two I'm adding this in last minute but I think I'm going to be doing some Live Events like probably on Facebook uh YouTube and what have you so if you want to be notified beforehand then I'm going to put a link in the episode notes right there it's beyondthehighroad.com backslash contact and just fill in I don't spam I promise just fill in your name and your email and then that way you can be notified because I haven't yet um put it together the first one's going to be in the next week I'll do like a mini class you know and um pick a better subject I think I'm gonna do I don't know I'm undecided I'm going to

email this all to you so just click the link in the show notes and give me your email and I will send you all the details it'll be in the next week so you'll get notified of upcoming events like the Live Events and stuff so if you wanted to ever like if you weren't sure about wanting to join and you wanted to kind of get a taste of what it was like then this would be the thing for you and also like there's other things that I want to do and I want to get like your input on on like you can always then email me and tell me what you want to hear about and you know I've just got some other ideas that I want to run by y'all as a group um and get y'all's input you know have

you contribute if you want to do that so this is the best way that I know how to do that okay so um yeah that's it okay I'm gonna get on with the show sorry about that so today I wanted to visit something that I know many of you have considered in the past or maybe you're considering right now and that is the option to move move away from where your child or children are currently residing away from the school district out of state out of the county yeah so that's what we're going to dive into today this is a very common kind of post that I see the questions are what should I do should I move have you moved do I do I seem heartless Am I Wrong is my child going to hate me forever does

this mean I'm Giving Up So let's answer those questions for you and let me first even just before I begin I should say too that I have not only pondered moving I did move I did I moved back to my home state I don't think that there's a yes or no answer to this question because it really really depends on where you are with it I'm going to share with you my thoughts and like my convictions that I have like when it comes to changing anything in your life like moving or changing a relationship or job or anything I'm going to share with you my thoughts and what I sort of like my quote-unquote rules that I like to live by that work really well and right now I'll visit the questions you might have

for yourself the doubts the concerns and whatever so the experts I don't know if anybody has explicitly said do not ever move because I think this is unrealistic for many many people some people have you know work obligations and these days because they're zoom and there's FaceTime and there are there are options to be able to see your child put eyes on your child and to connect with your child in such a way that of course uh in person hug and in-person encounter is always best but you can still keep a connection and move these days where you know 10 15 years ago that wasn't the case you know if you moved you didn't see your kid until spring break or summer or whatever right unless you were

flying back every weekend now you can just jump on a FaceTime call if that's the thing it depends on your situation if face time and that works for you does the other parent allow for it and that's what I'm also going to share with you towards the end too like what I like about the fact that I moved and what I wished were different like this should have known about moving so should you move it really depends on you it depends on your specific situation you are the expert in not only your life but you're the expert in your child or children's lives right so you know explicitly like and you know all of the ins and outs of your case your children your situation

the odds you know of all of it right you know you know what sometimes you may tell yourself that you're not sure but really truly you do if you got quiet with yourself you would you know really already what the answer is for you right okay so I should just put that out there first trust yourself and trust that you have the answers within you because you do I promise you but I will say that there are a couple things that you can look for and sort of check your own self for right because sometimes your brain will sort of Psych you out and try to convince you to stay or go it's doing it out of fear okay and so the lower brain has taken control right and so you're

not necessarily using your prefrontal executive functions so well and so this will help you to determine and sort of differentiate and get you to your higher self answer okay so the questions that I see posted a lot are like am I a bad mom or dad right if I choose to move are my kids going to hate me does this mean I'm giving up the experts say I shouldn't will I regret this questions like those I want you to sit get quiet with yourself and answer them for yourself one by one those kinds of questions am I a bad parent for wanting to move answer the question are you a bad parent my guess is going to be no okay but I still think it is worth visiting worth asking

yourself the question and getting quiet with yourself because listen here's the thing I've said this before too is that we are as human beings we are fallible okay all of us every last one of us we have good qualities we have bad qualities we have uh things were amazing at and things we aren't so great at right all every single one of us okay and that includes our parenting okay you're gonna have you're gonna be a phenomenal parent let's say 50 of the time and the other fifty percent of the time it's not you know it's it's could be improved right so when you're asking yourself am I a bad parent I think it is really helpful for you like you're gonna do yourself a huge favor to be like okay

well I could see where maybe I'm not a bad parent but I'm not doing this this and this is as well as I'd like to be doing it like do an assessment of yourself am I do I want to be there for her for the kids right am I trying to evade them because what is a bad parent right ask yourself what is a bad parent what does a bad parent look like to you okay and so write it down I if you are really truly considering moving this is something that you you know I think would be very worthwhile to spend the 10 to 20 minutes to write down and get all of the thoughts out and onto paper so that you can then look at what's going on because when in your head it's all jumbled up you've got like fragments of

thoughts going on up up there in the brain so things are not nearly as clear yeah you know most of the things that are bouncing around up there but when you put them out on paper then you can like organize and see them and be like oh right how duh so first Define what bad parent means to you and then go down the line of what you think a bad parent is am I this this this this this this and it's okay if you say yes to a couple of them you know it's okay everybody if we're doing an honest inventory of the stuff we're gonna have areas that need Improvement right so um yeah because when you're honest with yourself about these questions that you're like posting on you know Facebook or Reddit or

wherever you're posting stuff when you're honest with yourself about answering your own question in my bad parent for considering this your brain like thanks you for that because you truly know more than anybody out there what that answer is like it's within you and when you get to that come to that answer for yourself and not find it from outside it is satisfying enough that you may value other people's opinions and ideas right but you won't need it okay are you giving up if you think that by moving am I giving up are you giving up answer that question for yourself in what ways could I be giving up in what ways am I not giving up you can decide like on purpose what giving up means you

can decide that you can find ways to not give up okay no matter what you choose to do whether you choose to go you're like no I don't want to be a parent who gives up so before I leave I'm going to decide what it looks like to be an active parent out of state or out of the county or wherever you are okay so I think developing a protocol for yourself before you even go right not to convince yourself that you are you know doing the right thing but so that you are like am I giving up no I know I'm not giving up because I already have this list of things that I'm going to be fulfilling on a you know daily weekly monthly basis right so um I think yeah answer the

questions that you have for yourself or that you have for others asking for others validation again not saying that anything's wrong with getting other people's opinions and valuing other people's opinions and their expertise I think that's a fantastic thing to do because we all need to hear different perspectives yeah but when it comes down to it when it boils down to it you sleep with you at night okay and so knowing that and knowing that you know you are the expert in your own life and you are the expert in your child's life I think it is so important and it will be the most satisfying thing for yourself to recruit your prefrontal cortex and take charge of your runaway like crazy part

of your mind saying well what if what if we would have moved what if we didn't move if you don't don't Wrangle it back in it's going to always be out there trying to raise hell just answer the chatter okay so now with regard to moving and your motive to move I have a rule that I actually adopted from my teacher and that is to never move or change anything in your life until you get happy where you are and I have my experience that I will share with you following this with my move and how I approached it in my mind you know afterwards because so so just let's just put that part aside for a second but if whether you're in a relationship or you are in a situation that you do not like

I think it is very important for us to learn the skills and the lesson if you will put in front of us before we decide to make the change okay I think with each challenge that we're given they are there to help us to evolve into the person we're supposed to evolve into to our final product if you will so if we try to circumvent that challenge that was put there for us in order to grow us into the person that we're meant to be then something else will come up and then something else will come up and something else will come up until we finally go through right until we finally find the key to the drawbridge under the waterfall from the backpack that we were given at Birth right I

don't know if you guys have heard my analogy on um doors backpack but it's in like one of the earlier episodes for instance if you are in a job okay and you're not happy in that job if you don't become the best version of you while you're at that job like you're not performing your best you know you're showing up late you're kind of half-assing it whatever I think that is an awful time to leave it's an awful excuse to leave to be like oh [ __ ] it I don't really like it anyway my boss is an [ __ ] and blah blah blah if you're finding excuses does this make sense events chances are you will leave that job and you will go to another job and the same kinds of problems will find you

again either in that job or in a future relationship or in your community or something right there's like I hate to say lessons that are needed to be learned because when I say that it sounds punitive and I don't mean it that way I just mean that there are are things that I think that we as each person that are put in front of us in order for us to grow to end up at our final most evolved self yeah and so if we don't show up as our best even in the adversity then I think that it's going to keep presenting itself it's going to keep like knocking at your door until you finally do like show up as your best and do everything that you're supposed to do and like learn the lessons that

are needed to learn for your own growth okay your own Evolution not to teach you a lesson I don't mean it like finishing wise I mean it for your best okay so I think same thing in a relationship if you are wanting to leave a relationship because the person is just annoying and you just don't want to have uh sex with them anymore and because you just fell out of love with them if you think that you just can't be happy anymore because you're with this person um I'm lovingly saying that you're wrong like so long as there's no like physical or emotional abuse if it's just that you're just unhappy with the person and they're not injuring you in any way then if you're saying that you need to leave

in order to be happy you're wrong happiness is a choice and love is also a choice you can fall in love with somebody with one decision and you can fall right back out of love with somebody with one decision because love is something that you feel not something that's like it's not a together believe it or not love is something that happens in your mind and theirs separately okay and so when you are in love with somebody it's because of the thoughts that you are choosing to have and focus on about them okay so when the same goes for them and then if you share the love together then that's everything's Merry and lovely and happy right but if you don't then that's where sometimes the

problems arise and that's a different episode altogether but so for this so in relationships in a job in any situation situation where you think that you can't be happy how you know it currently is and you think that you need to leave the situation in order to be happy I'm just telling you I would urge you to stay in it if those are your reasons okay okay so don't I would say if anything my rule of thumb hate that term but my rule of thumb is to stay if it's because you think that you cannot find happiness without moving if they if you think they are making your life miserable okay because it's really not them that's even though they can make it hard it's not

them that's making your life miserable it's your thoughts about whatever they're doing or your thoughts about them that's making you miserable but they can for sure make it super duper challenging for you to find your warm fuzzy happy thoughts okay and you don't always want to feel warm fuzzy happy thoughts about them like I don't feel warm fuzzy happy thoughts about my ex that's for sure you know know or his wife or you know I don't I don't I don't feel that but I've chosen to after lots of banging my head up against the wall I've chosen to not think ugly thoughts about them for the most part I don't because um and I've just worked with myself and my brain and trained my brain to not

um indulge in the negative nuggy hateful thoughts about them because um I'm the only one that's feeling it as I think I said last week in the last week at last week's episode I am the one that's having the repercussions from that from feeling the hate they're not they're like all over there doing whatever they're doing maybe obsessing about me but that's okay but like I don't want to feel hate in my body I know what it does to my body you know and it's not it's not it's not a happy existence it's not a even a peaceful existence it's nowhere near it it's not even it is existing you know barely so I've chosen to not indulge in the angry thoughts but that's just me

um but they definitely definitely made it um difficult my thoughts were hard to Wrangle you know when I was when I was living there and it sometimes they are now right and I'm living states away so yes don't move or do anything until you know that you are showing up as your best where you are okay and not just for like a week I did it I did it and then whatever like you know when you have like sort of evolved through that chapter of your life whatever you're trying to leave um or move from right when you aren't constantly obsessed about wanting to leave the situation okay so when you are not obsessing and being like can I leave yet can I leave yet oh I did it when

you're not keeping score of how good you've been then then it's probably kind you could go ahead and move on to the next chapter you know that's just my school of thought and it's a sucky answer I know because at first there's no instant gratification with that answer let's just say that but long term I promise you if you heat it you will thank me you will long term I promise you like that I can guarantee on my grandmother up there on my uncle there so get happy where you're at or get become the best version of you where you currently sit before you decide to relocate okay now having said that I think I touched on the two things I was I we went over questions that you have

when you are looking outward when you're doing the Outreach for other people's opinions right am I a bad parent for wanting to do this am I giving up right those kinds of questions that truly actually require your own inner voice and your higher thinking um those questions you want to answer for yourself defining what giving up means and then Define what not giving up means this is a decision just like love is a decision this is a decision too right you define it and it's something that sometimes you might need to make the decision to not give up every hour on some days okay on other times it may be when your kiddo isn't being so lovely and so you are ready to throw your hands

up and say forget it you know I just want to give up and then that's when you revisit that again what is giving up do I really truly want to give up okay so that's something that only you nobody out there your child the other parent the judge any expert out there any therapists any coach whoever nobody can determine if you're giving up but you you are the expert of yourself and you are the expert of your child and your relationship together okay and so you you are the only one who can determine and who can decide whether you are given up or you're not okay and then you just have to remind yourself and stick to that so those things are just like conscious decisions that I think are so

helpful and actually reaffirming for yourself reassuring for yourself and for probably your child too whether they know it or not the the fact that you're being really conscious about it and making little decisions about how you want to show up I think that is um some of the best parenting that you can do no matter how far or close you are from them to them I hope I'm not missing anything now I think I'm gonna go into me specifically my decision to move and then I'm going to tell you what I wish I would have like um the things I don't like about that I moved and the things that I do like and yeah but I'm going to make it kind of pretty quick okay so I moved it's been over a year

and a half it's been I moved in September of 20 21 okay the move to me was literally I felt like even though I was coming to my home state I felt like I was jumping off a cliff it felt and still if I think about the fact that I'm not in the same state as her and that she's I can't just go you know see her somewhere you know and at any given moment I still feel a bit um like I'm floating around in space I don't know if that if you understand what I'm saying there it still feels a bit odd like I imagine like you know like the astronauts when they're like have the lifeline you know and then they're sort of floating out there in the abyss a little bit like that I don't know I've

just actually this is the first time I've put words to that but yeah for sure when I was moving it felt it was a huge step for me and it was I'm gonna get teary-eyed thinking about it right now because it was you know I had a little bit of both I was um you know I was excited to be finally be around close close in proximity to people that would support me you know because I for so long I was not you know but at the same time I felt um you know I felt it was it was uh like grieving the the end end of like um an era you know so I can't believe I had no idea that that was gonna happen so um yeah so that was definitely tough for me to do but I also knew like I felt it

inside because I had taken so much time to not move and to let it breathe and you know and for me to get to the the best version of me where I was right I I really truly grew all of the areas of me that I felt that I could I'm sure there's always room for something right for more right but I really truly did so so much work on me um and sat still for a long time without wanting to change it and without wanting to numb it and so I I knew it was time but it was just also you know it was sad so the move was tough the decision by the time I made it was not so much my my family had been you know sort of trying to get me to to to come this way for a couple few years already by the

time that I decided to do it I had held my ground and wouldn't even consider it for a very long time because I was still trying to get back to court long story short is after jumping through the Hoops that they had you know wanted me to which was staying sober for six months fine I did it you know and I did it again and again and again and again and it still wasn't enough I finally was like okay all right I have grown through if the object was to have me learn to deal with my feelings and not drink them away then I did that I learned that over and over again and in fact now I teach that to my clients so I learned it I mastered it okay so I knew that I had

done what I needed to do like I really had fulfilled my uh the calling of that task if you will so I I decided to make the move and it was difficult but I also knew that it wasn't like it was supposed to be I wasn't seeing her on Mother's Day I hadn't seen her on Mother's Day in years okay on Christmas on holidays all of those were never a thing right um not since she had lived with me when she was not up to you know when she was nine so um I wasn't I was already not getting any of those things so I felt like I was there and um even though we were living in the same town and just about 10 miles away from each other 10 12 miles away from each other um I had actually moved closer to her

I'd move twice after selling the house to pay for court I'd moved closer to her the first time was literally right around the corner of her and then the other time was just a little it was further out into the country right but I kept I was really trying to stay close by so that I was in her school district so that each time we will go back to support you know things would just be seamless as far as her coming back to me so anyway I already wasn't seeing her things were already kind of just they weren't they weren't I wasn't seeing her and so I was living there and I felt like I wasn't able to grow anymore I was at a point where I could either move away you know off away from the lake

right and closer into town and do that and stay in and stay in Austin and still have the looking over my shoulder at grocery stores and that whole nine right and feeling watched or I could come where there was support for me and because I was not seeing her on a regular basis at that point I decided to move home there was a lot of factors that were in play and so I did I made the decision to do it the plan was originally to move here and every month I would be flying back to see her okay so then it would be the same as being there really that's how I was that's how I made my decision it's like it'll be the same as being here because when I'm there sometimes I mean it was like 10

months where I didn't even there was no visits there was a lot of those stents so I was feeling actually like it was going to be fantastic because I would have the best of both worlds but of course her father they agreed to it to the terms that I would come back and they would stack the visits right and so that I would see her for either two weekend days or one longer weekend day and what have you right because it's still supervised crazy so we did that for three months three months I saw her every month and then they stopped and then the terms were unworkable I think was the gist of the email that I got from him so um that's without giving you all of the

details and going into you know all of it is basically uh what was once and agreed upon situation had been rescinded yet again so I haven't been to see her since January of last year so instead we have been doing Zoom visits they happen you know every it depends it goes in phases sometimes I'll see her you know every two weeks consistently and then I won't see her for six weeks so I guess what I'm saying here is is that I have less control here I never had any control really over what they did but there are less options if I guess right but um I do I miss knowing doing that she was down the street from me right I missed knowing that it could be possible that if um somehow if I was able to to

request an in-person meeting that I could just on a whim just do that right so being further away I do think that the person who is alienating your children from you once you remove yourself from the situation it is difficult then to gain access back do you know what I'm saying like once you've created the space in between then it's very difficult to to to regain closeness you know in proximity and also in the terms they are very unlikely to award you back the time that you forfeited for future so that's something I think that is very important to consider unless you are willing in which case and for me because I'm not willing to go back to court and do that whole

shebang and you know sixty thousand dollars in [ __ ] again um this is something I knew was a possibility right so it was really looking at what could be the worst case scenario here and um expecting that the worst case will happen and if you're okay with that worst case coming to fruition then you have your answer right I mean obviously you don't want that to happen but I think it's always very smart to to not underestimate you know their desire to distance you from your child okay so I'm going to be really real about that like if you are um considering and offering up the idea for you to move away and and and give them this distance them meaning the person that's alienating your kiddo from

you they're gonna of course snatch it up and they will tell you and they will agree to whatever terms that you want in order to get this an exchange because they know as well as you do that once the deal is done and you are moved then the deal actually is done and so you are less apt to follow up or through with suing them for anything further okay so in their eyes I think this is like to them they hope that this is the nail on the coffin so just know that when you're doing it now do I did I and do I think it's the nail on the coffin absolutely not absolutely not am I was I will I give up no like one thousand percent never and I think for me though it was

like they can think that I'm giving up if they want they meaning my my daughter's father not my daughter I hope she never thinks that I've given up um they can think back till the cows come home and fact better you know they can think that all they want um I know truly and I am always in check with myself about what you know the message that I am sending to my daughter the message that I know and think that I'm sending to my daughter and my intention is to always um make her aware that I am here I am here whenever she is ready to have me here you know what I'm saying she has my phone number she can call me when if and when she is ready so um yeah but just know like I think it's very it's it's

just very smart for you to not tell yourself the story that you know oh maybe things will be better if you get some space um that is just sort of pacifying you know yourself a little bit I think okay so do I regret moving no I don't regret moving but I will say of course um I didn't actually realize how much I we miss Austin as a whole like just put my daughter aside for a second I really miss it there and I never really thought I would say it I always knew I loved it there but um I never I never knew how much I would really miss it and how much I would really appreciate the things that were there and the beauty of the town as a whole and you know where I lived and the difference between

um the people and Austin itself compared to to where I am in Florida like all the things right once you move from somewhere if you're like oh I hate this place I hate this town all I have is like memories of the icky stuff and blah blah you know the bad times and dark this that whatever I had that too okay it's I will say that what you focus on is what you will make it so if you're focusing on all of the dark and icky memories then that is what you will see so if that is another one of your reasons for for for moving I will say just give it some time because your world your reality is based on what is happening in your brain and if your brain is constantly thinking on the

negative it doesn't matter where you live you could live in the most beautiful islandy paradise but if your brain is filled with dark icky nasty messages then that is going to be hell just as much as where you are currently okay I think that that is um something that is worth visiting with yourself and be getting really like having like a real honest assessment with yourself okay why is it that I'm moving is it because everything around here reminds me of blah blah blah blah blah blah listen you can actually it would be so much better for you to fix that while you're currently there because then you can go anywhere and you will enjoy and love the [ __ ] out of

anywhere you go but if you run from that and say oh all that place had was bad memories attached to it there is always going to be like these skeletons of like ugliness attached not only to that place but those things like I was talking about earlier individually those things will start to present themselves in specific ways in your life I don't want to like will that on you or anything but that is usually how it goes things happen in the way that they happen the growth that we need to have will get done one way or the other but yeah um so what else do I do I regret leaving no I don't regret leaving do I think it was the right choice for me abso [ __ ] lutely

um do I feel like I can breathe a little easier yeah yeah I will say that because there isn't the added uh stress knowing that they could just drive by the house right like they did you know or like I was I would be at the grocery store and not see one of them or have my daughter walk by me with her stepmom or something like that right and like get the weird look you know all of that right absolutely I can breathe easier but it did not it will not cause you to be eternally happy leaving a situation never leave anywhere out of fear fleeing still going to be there with you it will always be silently in your subconscious okay which is almost worse because it's

like a slow torture okay so is that my my sick dog she's been I thought we almost lost her last uh the other day like she's um we're going back to the fat I think I think tomorrow but she's been you know she's it's been touch and go just when I think that it's the end she will revive herself somehow this this dog is like she's got 9 10 11 12 lives this dog if you knew the things that she has survived I just it's amazing um and yeah do you see her over there and she's curled up on the blanket on the corner of my things she's um and I told you she is I got her um a month before my my daughter was born right my my daughter was in my belly whenever I got her and so

um yeah I'm holding on to her tight you know so she's not in any pain so don't worry she's not suffering in that way or else I would have you know had her put down but um maybe that's why too I just emotional just a little bit ago too because it's been an emotional week it's been an emotional month but um anyway yeah so if you are considering moving if that's on the table for you just trust yourself okay you know on the inside and just when you start to when you're acting out of or you're reacting right and you're wanting to make a decision and you okay here's the other the last part if you're making the decision and you feel like it's urgent that you have to make the

decision now to move don't make the decision if you feel like you need to make it right now and there's like this anxiety around having to do it don't do not you would be best to hold off until the urgency is gone any reason that you have to move urgently can wait okay if it's waited this long it can wait a little bit longer wait until you're right here because you don't want to move and then regret it you know later um yeah don't make any rash decisions just like your mom told you from someone his mom told you your teachers told you okay and did I go through it all I didn't even look at my somewhat of an outline right there at all throughout it and that's it

um Zoom visits do work you know they do they work I mean you can play games on them now it depends you know you've got to be you're gonna make the you know if you do move you're gonna make it what you want to make it you're going to put in the effort that you want to put in and you're going to get out just as much in return right it's how you're looking at it and that's how you're you're you're wanting it to be you will make it be just as you want it to be okay I mean you can't control the other side you can't control what your kiddo does and I will tell you that that is definitely a frustration of mine too is that I feel like sometimes the in-person visits are

kept a little bit more than the zoom visits I don't know maybe that's just me but you can you can make it work and zoom is surprisingly most of you guys know this now since pandemic like everybody is on Zoom right but Zoom FaceTime it's surprisingly intimate because there is nowhere else to look that's the that is a plus is that there is nowhere else they can look down at their phone yeah and that happens sometimes but I just request for the eyes to come back up right um but there is no really otherwise there's really nowhere else to look and so you're really actually looking at each other eye to eye where in a restaurant or something else there's many other things to look at so I think

in some ways it is a much more intimate experience being you know face to face online so um that is something that I think is a bonus for sure yeah and also sometimes a little bit of absence like you leaving makes the heart grow fonder like then your child May depending on your situation they may feel like the pressure is off some you know and so then they feel safer to interact with you because the the their other parent doesn't feel that you are so much of a threat yeah so I do think that that is can be depending on your situation it can be a bonus so I mean it just depends on how you're looking at it and how what you choose to focus on you know you have

to move for work you have to move for work I mean the only things I would consider is what terms you leave on with you know the ex and even if they're not willing to um agree to or abide by said terms you making the effort and putting the terms out there with full intention to do what's best for your kid this can only only be good for you so um yeah that's what I have for you hope it helps somebody you have a wonderful week you can always message me anytime if you have any questions or you just want to talk and that is all you all take care thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and

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