A Heartfelt & Powerful Tribute to Honor Alienated Parents

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 100 stay tuned hi you guys can you believe it it's episode one technically it's actually episode 103 or 104 or something but for real episodes it is one Hy I just want to say thank you guys um for showing up every week and listening supporting the show and just being such loyal listeners and loving me even in my imperfection I really this last couple years has been such a joy even through the subject matter the heavier subject matter that we discuss on this show it has been my honor to serve you guys and to talk with you guys and you you guys have really like been with me on my own

journey I have poured my heart and my soul like everything into these episodes I have grown with the show and you guys have grown with me and um I could not feel more grateful and more loved I've had a few of you actually reaching out this week and a little bit last week too and today especially with texts and some messages um just words of encouragement and you know thank yous gratitude and whatever and I just want to say to all you that did reach out thank you so much um you all know who you are and I just I really want to take this opportunity right now to thank you guys I feel like I'm another awards ceremony but I do I want to take this time right now to to

to thank you guys you guys have been here throughout all of it I mean I can remember some of those rougher patches of last year especially where you know when pepper died and then needa too my pig it was rough for me it probably did show through in the episodes but I'm so grateful for you guys for being here with me through throughout this time and even if you've just recently started listening I I just want to thank you and in order to thank you I have spent so much time I always I have time blindness you guys I always under like grossly underestimate how long it's going to take me to get projects done and one like this where I wasn't actually creating content like it was

already there for me doing this best of and collecting all the um the clips it was so hard though because I haven't listened to these episodes especially the early ones since they came out you know and so going back was a pleasure for me to go back and see how the show is grown and then also some of the things that I've spoke about that I just forgot whatever but also was like I was falling down rabbit holes throughout this whole time doing collecting all these these clips and what have you so I will say that it has been a labor of loves just I mean collecting this doing the best of volume of volumes there are more than one because because there's 100 episodes and I have the gift for G

so at least two if not a third so anyway I really do hope you enjoy the the best I kind of think these are great because I like it when other podcasts do it because you get all of the good info like all Bam Bam Bam Bam right at you so I don't know I just think they're fun but anyway EMP powerful can be quite powerful so I hope you feel the same about this again for the millionth zillionth time over thank you so much for being such a loyal listener and I'm going to get on with the show listen you guys the new course is set to open in October early October first week of October so if you can continue to if you haven't already put your answer into the poll your response into the poll I'll

put the links down below for the Spotify link and also for the website you don't have to um if you've already responded to the poll you don't have to do it again in fact I encourage you not to unless you've changed your mind um once is enough I just want to be able to love how many people like what we're working with so I can figure out like who wants what you know what I'm saying if there's more people that are on the self study or more people want the the more Community atmosphere in the small group coaching so you I just encourage you to not vote more than once and but but but but please please please please vote so both links will be below and now I'll

let you get on to the episode welcome back on it I think I fought every aspect of my life long before the alienation began alienation was just the most difficult thing that I had ever been through I felt threatened I felt bullied I felt all of the icky feelings activated feelings you could have panicked I felt that way and if his intention was to make me feel intimidated he did his job absolutely but even then feeling intimidated by him was not a big deal right I handle that I mean I didn't like it it was definitely not comfortable but I can handle that but when somebody is threatening your child's welfare your child's ability to have a Carefree healthy childhood and to

be free to love and be loved by both parents that is a big deal right so it makes perfect sense that you would feel activated when the email ding comes to your phone right you know that there's emails or messages sitting there but you just don't want to open them because you're scared of what might be in them you don't want to read the insults one more time you don't want to read that you are irresponsible and not a good person not a good parent on down the line I mean and who does right nobody wants to open up any email or open up a door or pick up a phone and hear that there wasn't so much information on the internet I didn't know that there was a name for it I just know that [ __ ] was

really weird it was like Twilight Zone was like am I to blame here like I couldn't figure it out I knew it was wild was exhausting I was constantly in a state of emergency but I didn't even know how to bring it up to other people so that I could feel supported I was listening to a podcast a couple days ago I think maybe it was about post tromatic growth when they were talking about when you're experiencing the symptoms of grief the best thing that you can do is have support the human connection is one of the most healing things in the early stages of your grief right but this is one thing that we don't have I know for me I didn't know who to reach out too it

kept me in a stress response 24/7 I had the constant feeling of turmoil inside of me this impending doom so that is why when she was gone I promptly got my ass to the bar so that I could alleviate the symptoms so I had this disbelief or this denial going on and then I had that what did I do did it deserve this how could this be happening to me why me I'd never felt so victimized in my entire life and I know you guys can relate to that and I may have always chosen the the Hard Road but nothing in my life was even close to this experience it makes sense now why I acted and reacted and didn't act at all in ended up sort of becoming a Hermit with my social life because I felt so

misunderstood and so attacked on so many levels it depending on how much time you have in between your child being home and your child not being home it's going to take time to unlearn and even just saying that my heart broke a little bit because I know that also acknowledging that that is what you're doing can feel scary and off-putting like no I don't want to unlearn those habits because I want those habits back and I get you I feel you on that and I think this is why we suffer so much because we know it is possible to have those experiences it could be possible physically our children are still on this Earth so we don't want to unlearn thoughts and feelings associated with our kids being

home I was consumed with the wood ifs wondering and worrying truly concerned I I didn't know how to stop it I didn't know how to stop the scenarios from playing if you're feeling miserable because of the awful stories that you're telling yourself then you want to remind yourself that this is just natural for your brain see the brain is in the moment trying to anticipate what could come this is a helpful function of the brain but it's not being applied in a helpful way unless you direct it it will go into this mode you want to notice it and narrate it this is anxiety this is worry it makes sense that I'm feeling this because I love my kiddo and I want what's best for them I'm telling myself

these stories in my head because it's my brain's way of trying to protect them and I also know that I have instilled the beliefs and the values and all that I knew how to do when I was actively parenting them I trust that what I have instilled and what has been instilled otherwise is exactly what they need to get to where they need to go the moral story is anxiet does not have to run your life and honestly I refuse to allow anxiety and worry to run my life like it used to I'll catch myself saying things like I'll be happy once my daughter realizes what has happened and she is on the menend then everything will be able to go back to normal life will be great and it makes sense it's completely

understandable that this is what I would venture to say all of you want you just want to be able to see your kid hug them reconnect with them I agree I am with you but if we're telling ourselves that by just having those things that is what will make us happy then we're going to be in for a big disappointment a huge disappointment because if you're relying on somebody or some alignment of the Stars to make you happy you're always at the other person or the other Cosmic events you're always at that things disposal and that's not any fun when we feel helpless or feel out of control we don't find Happy happiness in that place we don't find contentment in that place

Joy giddiness Delight we definitely don't find Delight in feeling powerless I'd say sorry to burst your bubble here but I'm not sorry at all if you didn't know this or haven't made this connection already then I would say you're welcome from here on out you'll have so much more control in your life the thing about shame is it will have you believe all of those things you're being accused of it convinces you that you are just as bad if not worse than what the alienating parent is saying about you shame sounds like they're right you are a piece of [ __ ] you are damaged goods maybe you are dangerous for your child shame sounds like you never should have done that you should

have known better you know all of the Monday Morning Quarterback sort of comments it's the mechanism installed in all of us that wants to keep us away from trouble away from risk of embarrassment of danger really but what shame does is the opposite of protecting us when you learn what your shame triggers are then I think it can be helpful because then it pushes you to evolve when we learn how to be in discomfort we grow always you don't need to rely on your child to come back in order for you to feel anything so if you want to feel peace Joy whatever you can provide that for yourself today instead of focusing on what the alienator is doing focus on you and your steps I know

you guys reply like yeah Shelby but that's easier said than done yeah it is easier said than done it absolutely is I'm not going to tell you it's a walk in the park it's difficult I mean you've basically your whole life been brainwashed to believe that happiness lives outside of you and that you have to go searching for it in a car in a drink in a status in a job so now to experience true happiness you have to learn how to provide that for yourself you have to relearn how to think yeah it is easier said than done but I also know you can do it if you want it you can do it this is no small feat what we are dealing with as alienated parents is one of the hardest things a person could

ever go through in their entire life truly and if we can do this we can do all of the other things it qualifies us to be able to like kick ass and take names with anything else this is like the daddy of all things so if you're already called to be doing this this is what is happening in your life alienation you have proved to yourself that you can do difficult things and if that means that you just need to redo some of the faulty programming that was instilled or installed in you at an early age then you can do that if you want I just don't know the downside to believing that happiness isn't in a bottle happiness does doesn't come from when another person does a thing whether

we're talking about our children or your partner doesn't matter happiness does not come from anything external if you focus on the Have Nots in your life you are going to be unhappy you are going to be angry maybe you're going to feel slighted taken advantage of beaten up used abused betrayed and if you focus on the halves and what you are creating how you are providing for yourself how you are growing through this look at everything I've been through and look what I've done with my life yeah I'm still picking that to me that's admirable that is like badass the person that can have gone through hell four times over and come out and still have a sparkle in their eye because they focus

on what it is they have and even if you have nothing at this moment what am I creating what are you cultivating yourself cuz when you're focused on somebody else bringing you the happiness the relief love it's always going to be a disappointment it's a losing battle I'm telling you it's a losing battle each morning before I could even open my eyes I know you guys can relate to this that moment you know when you wake up and you haven't yet opened your eyes and the pit in your stomach because you realize where you are and what is happening every morning was like clockwork right today I mean I'm still dealing with alienation but I am not physically ill I don't feel physically

ill anyway today I am not suffering the effects of any sort of depression or anxiety I mean I get anxiety here and there but I don't have the everyday effects that I did back then the circumstance is still the same it's just how I've chosen now to approach it and it means everything because I could have stayed in that old way right it may have died seriously I I don't know how long I could have actually sustained it but getting my ass in gear became more and more alluring to me because of the pain so much resistance so much of the victimhood feeling like I got the Raw Deal and I was so sick of it I was so sick of myself I was so sick of complaining I was so sick of hearing

myself I was so sick of being stuck I could not take it anymore like I couldn't take one more dead end I couldn't take not being able to pay one more Bill avoiding one more phone call because there was a point where I was completely I developed the social anxiety where I couldn't pick up a [ __ ] telephone to answer hello not even to like towards the end I wasn't even answering it for my parents right I like would screen the call and then gear myself up to call them back and sometimes that took a couple weeks I was in a place the only person I would show up for is my daughter and that was it I looked so sickly so disheveled really I mean I didn't shower for you know

sometimes 7 days and I didn't even realize that I hadn't showered because it was just me I was like a crazy artist living up in the in the hills in Texas on a lake and I like talked to the deer the deer were my friends like literally I drank a ton I was a recluse and the thoughts that I had and the way that I was living was like it was like the world was against me of course that's what I was prep perpetuating was that I was dealt the bad bad handic carts the whole deck was bad you ask me whatever got dealt in my way was just [ __ ] I do understand this is not easy [ __ ] when it comes to our own children it is not natural I know it's not how we've been raised to believe that parenting should

be it is challenging as [ __ ] there is no minimizing that and you can do it you can do difficult things you can everything is figured aible Marie forio it is everything so yes yes I will say it again and again alienation is probably the hardest thing that you will ever have to go through but don't make it harder on yourself don't just don't I mean you can but I wouldn't recommend it you're focusing on those outside circumstances and if you're looking for your kids your ex the custody evaluator or whoever to come serving you happy Pleasant emotions on a platter you're going to be [ __ ] out of luck nobody's going to come serving you the pleasant emotions on a platter you provide you

with every emotion that you experience in this entire life now that you are aware of that you can start to go to work on cultivating them yourself people want to put people in boxes and be like oh they must have done something awful if they've lost their kid or if their kid is rejecting them they want to make sense of it shame is that secret that you're like I must protect this at all costs it's that one that like you've gone to a lot of effort to try to keep it secret cuz a lot of times our brain is on a default setting and it's like nope we're not talking about that one that one goes down in the dungeon and we're going to push it down and we're just going to put boxes on top and we're

never going to talk about this again we've all done this pull the boxes away and find those secrets and be like this isn't that big of a deal other people have felt this too other people have done whatever it is that I'm shaming myself for normalizing it it does help to share it with somebody that you trust or somebody that you think might have had the experience people will surprise you some people that you would think would never do some of the things they've done have done the craziest stuff every person that has walked the face of this Earth mentors teachers parents siblings everybody has felt shame not just one time like numerous times in order to succeed at most things

in life we are going to end up feeling shame so when you frame it that way then it might help you to think like all right this is shame and you know what this is part of The Human Experience I'm going to feel shame the next person's going to feel shame everybody can relate to feeling shame many people don't have the awareness but everybody knows feeling like they're not enough a lot of times because they're really there to protect us the lower brain will take over that is it's job your lyic system the thalamus it's like the male sorder of all experiences that happen all information goes in and it decides whether it's going to send it to your prefrontal cortex the executive

functions or it will send stuff to your lower brain for emergency and survival needs it's often and by default because if you've been in a lot of stressful situations throughout your life it is going to send things to the back of the bus to your lower brain so you need to actively employ your executive functions by asking literal questions that the lower brain can't answer for you is it true how do you know that it's true that's a Byron Katy thing how could the opposite be true what else could be true what about this is their story and what about this is my story you can consider it like a game what part of what they're saying is true even if it's just like

one half of a percent and not worrying about what you think that they're going to receive by you owning it whatever their intentions are doesn't [ __ ] matter because it's not about them it's about you I'm doing this because this is like the key that fits the lock that gets me to the next area of where I feel that much more free there is a Dun Dun Dun thought in your head call that out what about what they're saying am I scared is true what am I fearful of there what is the story I'm telling myself about my self because of what they're saying open it up and simplify it as much as you can because when we are feeling bullied or feeling threatened it's usually a very vague

thing that's happening or it doesn't fully make sense if there are areas of your own boundaries that you know has some holes or needs some maintenance then it's a good time to look at those and be honest with yourself because the thing is if you know that there are some holes in your fence think of it as a literal fence if you know that there are Hol holes in your fence and you've got predators in your area you're constantly going to be on the lookout and you're going to be freaked out and and feeling threatened by many bumps in the night right but if you have patched up all the holes and you are aware of it because you have walked the circumference of your property and checked for the holes

then the bumps in the night are not going to bother you as much I would bet all of the money that I have right now and all of the money I will make in the future on the fact that if you're feeling disempowered now it is because somewhere inside of you maybe subconsciously you are blaming something or someone for the reason why you can't do ABC taking responsibility always feels much more empowering and free maybe you weren't responsible for the acts that have happened in the past like you weren't it wasn't your doing but you are responsible for your healing when I'm taking responsibility response ability right it's the ability to respond in the way that you want this

is empowerment it is a much different feeling than when I'm pointing the finger in blame right when I'm saying oh no no no no no it's all their fault they're the ones then I'm entirely dependent on them when I'm taking responsibility and saying okay there are things that I would have liked to have done differently next time if there ever is a next time I know what I would do I would do a b and c in such and such ways I don't love how they acted if it's appropriate I might even say something but I can't expect them to change that's not going to help me basing my happiness or expecting somebody to do something in order to cause me to feel anything is never an empowering way to go and

instead if I'm taking responsibility then I'm open to change 70,000 thoughts per day sentences basically that are running around in every corner of your mind at all times of the day right when you're sleeping when you're awake when you're bored when you're eating pizza on autopilot running on behind the scats here's how I like to picture it each one of these thoughts has a partner I like to imagine them sort of skipping around in your brain like arm and arm and on the arm of your thought is an emotion there's thought emotion thought emotion thought emotion with each thought you have it triggers an emotion 70,000 of those a day and that's why like sometimes when you don't know why

you feel a certain way that's because there are subconscious thoughts that are taking place and then of course there's an emotion attached they're just arm in- arm skipping around up there in the brain like freaking Frack 70,000 they may be a lot of the same emotions but they're still one in one whether we are the children survived the Amazon or whether we are the parent that's being actively alienated from our child or children um a billionaire who is killing it in their business and in all of their things or the person next door we live in our own little bubbles right we which I think is good and I think it's healthy for so many reasons but I also do think sometimes that

perspective and seeing things from all different views all different views is so necessary when I think about you know my situation of alienation and where I'm at with it I could and I did for many years take the position of feeling lack feeling like I was given a raw deal that everybody else's life was normal but mine was the only one that was you know the Twilight Zone lifetime original movie type of life and so from that point of view yeah it does seem like a unique and crappy deal when we've gone through something like parental alienation and we know that we're not liking the results that we currently have if you've been suffering in let's say like a low-grade depression or even

a fullon depression and you can't get out of the anger you're just obsessing about it and then everything will be fine and you'll be starting to make a life for yourself and all the sudden something will happen and Trigger the whole cycle again it's like almost like a relapse and you're back into the same thought Loops if this is happening then we want to start looking at the system that is currently set up in your brain a thought is based on our own individual models of the world and a belief is a thought that we have decided to think on repeat if 90% of our thoughts are repeated and 80 to 85% of our thoughts are negative then that means 56,000 negative thoughts per day then how many

negative thoughts have become beliefs about our own selves so what you're believing about yourself matters and we often aren't aware of what those things are if our reality is solely based on information coming in and associating that with our perception of the world and our perception of our own selves and how we fit into that world then I think it matters an awful lot that we know what those beliefs are and how we really truly are perceiving ourselves my approach to your healing my healing healing in general it's really truly the most practical realistic way to approach it that I found is to look at your current beliefs and if they're not working in your life and they're not

working for you and they're not getting you where you need to go then you need to find ones that are our hearts have been aching in our minds the thought is that our child is missing from our lives right that our child was taken from us we don't get to experience the mil stones and the occasions we don't get to celebrate with them because we have experienced Maybe domestic violence and then the abuse associated with alienation and the trauma supposing what our child might be going through it's natural for us to get sucked in to living in that and that alone if you can imagine some train tracks the brain gets on a track of looking for potential catastrophes and where we are lacking

where our life is lacking and when we do that we often miss out on the opportunities that are actually plopped right down in front of us one after another after another after another this ends up creating this Vortex of you feeling like the alienator has so much control over you because your life dwindled down to nothing you can't see the opportunities even if there were because you're so hyperfocused on the abuse that has already happened and what could happen in the future opport Unity was stolen the day that your children were and I want to offer you that it doesn't have to be so we are so awful to ourselves sometimes we're already in a situation where other people are Downing

who we are that is why it is even more important for you to be diligent about your own self-love actively fiercely being your own champion and loving you for everything that you are right in a productive and positive and encouraging way you are perfect and beautiful just how you are and any mistakes that you have made in your past you only made those mistakes because you were thinking a thought that is it you didn't make the mistakes CU you were bad or you were selfish or you are any of the things that you've been called by the alienator or maybe even your children okay that is not why you did what you did you did those things things whatever those things are one because you were trying

to protect yourself and or your child yeah and because you were thinking a thought that's it you were thinking a thought that made it feel like the right thing to do in the moment even if you say well I was being careless I wasn't taking all things into consideration that's okay still every choice that you've made is because I thought that you were thinking it does not mean that you're bad or that you're irresponsible or that you're any of the things things that they're trying to call you I think this is so important for you to remember and tell yourself every single time you try to go back and say I should have done it this way why didn't I think about this how come I didn't know any

better oh that's because I was thinking a thought I was thinking of thought that led me to believe that this was the right thing to do at the time that's it that's all and just don't limit yourself you decide what kind of person you are you decide who you want to become I hadn't spoken to my daughter since before her birthday it was like the miday I think was the last time I'd spoken to her up until last week we are at this point in time we're scheduled for bi-weekly Zoom calls about three weeks ago I was waiting for our scheduled Zoom call and it didn't happen I won't go into all the details but basically I've been stood up and last week we got on the call I was so excited

to see my daughter's face I couldn't didn't contain myself I'm seriously I was like a little kid before Christmas or like getting ready to go do like his favorite thing you know I was just so excited to see her I hadn't seen her so long I needed to know like she just started driving and you know all of the things that every parent wants to know about their kid she had gone on vacation and she' done the things and so I wanted to hear about all of it didn't hide my excitement and she was somewhat closed off when we first started you know there there was an expressionless face and she was like you know very um closed off and I on the other hand was like the kid and

I was like tell me all the things and I was so excited just just to see her beautiful shining face right and her beautiful eyes and her right and within the first couple minutes I think she might have expected which I don't even know why you know well I do know why but it's not typical for me to catch attitude you know to be like pressy or anything but I think she might have expected that of me because she was closed off I think she might have been expecting me to maybe make her feel guilty or something but I was just I was thrilled just to see her and within a matter of minutes her guard completely went down and we ended up going over time and laughing and having like just a

regular great funny like hilarious AC conversation just sharing some like really just fun moments together and I was thinking about it afterwards how that could have gone much differently like it could have been just disastrous she could have stayed closed off I could have been like well if I could have seen you last week well if you would just show up or oh you went on vacation with you know I could have shown up heavy needy leaning hurt emotes right and I knew I know that that doesn't it's not doesn't serve me doesn't serve anybody and so that's not even like a go-to for me anymore where once I'm sure it was it'd be interesting actually to look back on so I was wondering what the

difference was and I am sure that the reason it went as well as it did is because I did not need her I did not need her to be or do anything different than who she is yeah and I think I probably didn't in the past practice this so well because I thought that by accepting what was going on this situation of alienation that I was giving up my power I thought that if I normalized it and made it like admitted it that it would make it more real and that be giving them permission to continue and what I realize is that they never needed my permission to do the alienation to begin with they were going to alienate regardless permission or not and so what my stance was before of like

not wanting to accept what was what is was really truly not only hurting me but it was hurting my relationship with my daughter in the exchanges that we did have my ego told me that if I act like everything is okay if I didn't make her feel bad or if I didn't stand up for what I believed I was openly giving over all of my power and tell you it's just not so what it did to me was caused me to resist so much good in my life and so much good in my exchanges not only with my daughter but like with all the other people around in my life when I was not accepting the current reality but even back then that current reality and when I didn't normalize it I was in resistance to what was happening I was

creating this disas within me and within my interactions with everybody because then I felt had all this shame around the alienation because I had not come to terms with it right with what is happening with what has happened and so then I felt really Shamy around other people I was holding it like close to me and felt like I had something to hide always and then I felt slighted like taken advantage of by of course by the people alienated my child from me and so it was just this big [ __ ] fight I lived in fear in order for me to let go of the idea that all of these injustices have been done now I can't say let go of the idea because I still believe that I was injustic as I believe that all of

you anybody that's going through alienation had suffered some serious injustices right I will always remain with that however continuing to choose that perspective for how I lived my life on the everyday basis could not continue to happen or I would have been in jail again and again and again and again and again who would have gotten the best of me then I could have avoided jail I could have avoided feeling as stuck for as long as I did in under earning and not earning at all and staying in a very deep depression for so long I could have moved from it a lot quicker if you have that voice wondering could I find happiness still even in the midst of alienation what if I could create an

amazing life it's usually like a little whisper the little could it be if that's there listen to it listen to it there's a reason it's there investigate that for yourself could it be let's see let's check it out I don't know if there's a downside to that you could say yeah well the downside is I have spent how long in misery in so much pain I've been crying for years you don't want to have to think about any more healing any more more processing any more of any of that stuff because you might just get slapped in the face again you might get knocked down and you're not sure if you could take that like mentally emotionally I don't know if I could even do it again I

can't risk it because I could just what I might not be able to make it through you ever people say that they'll be like oh man I don't know how they're doing it I could never get through it well of course you could of course you could given the circumstance of of course you could get through it so if you've ever said that to yourself like oh I don't I couldn't handle the rejection I couldn't handle the Heartbreak I I don't want to put myself through that again that's just me being smart I'm not going to risk my emotional mental health that way so I'll just stay here in this ho hum place for all of eternity I just want to lovingly nudge you urge you to question the validity of

that line of thinking right of that belief that you could couldn't handle the healing because who knows what if it's not worth it on the other end we have two choices when [ __ ] goes down we can either just this sucks this is my life now kick dirt and just survive or we can be like all right this is a great opportunity clean sleep what do I want to do with it and that second perspective I just don't see a downside I don't see how it could hurt you by seeing it as a clean canvas for you to paint your biggest and best Masterpiece yet not that how you were living or doing before was wrong or bad or warranted the situation of alienation this is another if I change how I am and

if I rebuild myself better than I was then I'm somehow admitting that my life before warranted being rejected and that is not the case at all it's not about them it is not about them it's like if you're house gets torn down in a hurricane insurance comes around in the same amount of money either way going to go build it back how it was or build it better you're going to rebuild it better we're meant to evolve because Shane wants to keep us alone and in secret when we share that with another person you know what I've got a bunch of Shame going on right now can I share it with you telling you it will do wonders for your shame it pulls it right away like if you bring it out of the darkness and

into the light like here it is here's my shame I've been feeling awful all day this is what it is it's because I did blah blah blah blah and I'm telling myself that I am bad as a result of it I'm telling myself that I am broken when you pull it out and share that with somebody that you trust then what that does is makes you a part of and then shame can fall away because what does shame fester in it festers in secrecy and then often times you'll end up having a laugh about it or maybe a cry about it together and then we move on your life will change drastically when you decide to take a risk in one way just one risk every day and that could be a little risk or it could be a big

risk okay but do something outside of your comfort zone every day reach out to somebody that you haven't reached out to do something that causes you to feel awkward and uncomfortable and put you out there go out to dinner with somebody sign up for the dating app like knowing too that you yes you are risking having the negative emotions it's going to be a little uncomfortable you could risk getting hurt rejection yes those things do happen but in the end you're going to have a life that was worth living because you took the risk because you stuck your toe out there this I think is something that future you will never regret you must must must every day it's

going to sound so plain and simple but I'm telling you it will change your life if you're in this spot and you're not already doing it you must get up every day make your bed and then get in the shower do your hair whether you're a woman or a man put your makeup on and put on your I'm saying this as I'm in my MooMoo but put on your your uniform like power uniform for the day I don't care if you have nothing planned well we'll get to that in a second or if you think that you're not going to see anybody that you know it makes all the difference in the world to get in nice clothes and look like you're going to work if you're not look like you're you're going to lunch I have never

actually gotten dressed and been like wow I shouldn't have done that that was a waste of time never okay so this is important it will change your mood entirely don't just slick your hair back of your mom don't just slick it back up in a bun do your hair and if you don't have time then start waking up earlier now if you're still feeling ick after that which is highly possible think about the future version of you and what can I do to set her or him up for an amazing day an amazing week an amazing month what little things can I do today that is setting me up in the future this will help you not only to start focusing on what's going on ahead of you but also then you'll start to get

into the action space in your head as opposed to just going through the motions you become intentional and mindful in that moment you start to recruit your executive functions and when you do that you feel much better because your lower brain is not running you anymore I wanted to escape my life the reality I wanted to escape the fear that I felt on a regular basis I was riddled with fear I put the person who's alienating my kid for me up on this backward sort of pedestal and I feared that he would use my quote unquote weaknesses in order to take away my rights as a parent and that is exactly what he did I made that happen back then because all I was doing was thinking

about how I feared him using this stuff and so then that would make me actually go do it it's like when when you're like don't hit the window don't hit the window funny not funny hindsight's always 2020 but I know looking back that I didn't want to see what was really going on like we always say why didn't I see the signs I can see them so clearly now what was I thinking why didn't I pay attention to that I can tell you with full confidence that I didn't want to see the signs back then in fact I am sure there were times where I'm like I should pay attention to that that doesn't seem right I was valuing um what I thought I would have by doing whatever I was doing in order to avoid more than

paying attention to the thing I should have paid attention to hopefully that's making sense I knew that I was ignoring things fullon knew I was ignoring things and at the time I felt like that was the thing I should be doing I need to keep ignoring because I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle that if I pay attention to it I don't know if I'm going to have the skills or the tools or the wherewithal to face that so I'm going to go stick my head in the sand I was looking for things activities people in my life to distract me from the reality of what was going on but I only made this custody situation worse by pretending it wasn't Happening by looking for excuses to support why I was

doing just fine he's the one that's crazy because I was too busy in judgment and in justifying my behavior because everybody else does it and so why can't I acting like a child back in the day here I sit today and alienation has taken hold I do not drag myself through the mud about it anymore I'm okay with it because I decided to be okay with it I just made the decision every every time a shamey thought came up I would just look at it and be like okay that's interesting I see that I'm shaming myself but I'm going to go ahead and uplevel this thought because it's not based in reality I know what I did I know what I didn't do and I've learned from that and I'm going to move forward

and so once I could take responsibility okay so I did create where I am right now I did create this here I am I chose the guy who would alienate my kid I chose the next guy guy at the time I wanted to tell myself but he presented himself differently how could I have known how could I have seen the signs the signs were there that's just a story I was telling myself that is a way to keep me in full victim mode I didn't want to pay attention to the red flashing lights the alter reality seemed more attractive I can absolutely take responsibility for that too and it feels so much better than going back to the how could I have known that lays all the responsibility elsewhere and I can do

nothing with that but when I can say oh yeah no there were signs there were absolutely signs I just didn't listen to them then it's like okay now we know where we can go from here because now that I've owned that I created my past it's believable for me to create my now and my future devote all of your attention to serving the new desired emotion I was talking about this in a recent episode too your primitive brain will be like yeah but aren't you ped off about that I mean you should be pissed off about that or another thing is you'll share the experience with somebody else and especially when you're new to this work or family members or friends will be like oh are you okay

that's horrible what a terrible experience I don't know what I would do if I was you this right there that is the most toxic thing to fall into they can say it because they don't it's it's fine right that's not a problem but when you feel permitted to start feeling poorly because somebody else said that you should that is the most disempowering thing ever to like give in to negative emotion because somebody else suggests that you should somebody says that to you oh I would feel like [ __ ] I'd be so pissed off yeah I considered being pissed off but I realized also that it doesn't really help me to do that it doesn't it just wastes my energy so instead I've decided

for me I've decided that I am a little bit disappointed yeah is disappointing I love my daughter I want to see her you know but I'm also at peace with it because I know that I cannot control the situation right I cannot physically go there and make her get on Zoom and if I could do that then obviously I'd be spending time with her face to face right but like there's nothing I can do about the actions of somebody else right so the best thing that I can do is to manage my own mind around it I really want to change the The Narrative that we as alienated parents are telling ourselves and also showing to the world right this hush keep silent our lives are over and we are Martyrs I want that

to go away look at the language you're using if you're telling yourself it's too hard what am I thinking about me that is too weak why am I not up for the challenge why is this too hard for me to overcome I can do this you have superpowers you wouldn't be given this amazing ridiculously hard challenge of alienation if you couldn't manage this if you couldn't grow through this so you're being called to something more I believe that we can be alienated parents who are thriving and at the risk of pissing some people off here I really believe that each one of us can have and create a better life than what we had before we were alienated making room for our children to be there when they're

ready but yes you absolutely can cultivate a better life for yourself I believe in post-traumatic growth it's something that I specialize in and that is that after you go through any sort of trauma causing event you can enhance your life as a result you can experience more joy more textured emotions you can Thrive where before the traumatic event happened most of us were living below the veil of Consciousness before the traumatic event happened most of us were just going through life having life happen at us now that this happened you have this traumatic event and out of it you bloom it's like anybody that has a near-death experience and so yeah I absolutely think that you can have a

better life create cultivate a better life for yourself following alienation 100% your brain is like a filing cabinet when you have the feeling of Desire it's going to go back to the thing that last supplied it the dopamine hit whatever Behavior you have Netflix candy cookies drinking it knows that you can get a little dopamine hit and you can check out from current state of your life that you're just tolerating but that feeling of Desire could be for the things that you really deep down want to do but because you're currently using the surface instant gratification sort of stuff you're numbing the deeper desires so much so that sometimes you don't even

know what those desires are anymore then you have to like unpack all that to get to find what it is that you truly desire so if you feel like you just don't know what your purpose is like everybody knows what they want to do how come I don't listen I was there well here's why because my brain was so used to the surface desire this is just the sugar gum or like the fast food quality sort of desires it's doesn't last change happens when we have enough discomfort like what is that saying when the pain of staying gets greater than the fear of leaving then you'll finally end up leaving I remember driving down a very windy road in Texas Hill Country whenever I found that quote or some

version of it dangerous dangerous this was years ago I don't do that anymore most of the time but I just remember thinking oh my gosh I think I'm almost there but I wasn't let me tell you what took me so long to get out of that relationship I was drinking through that whole thing I could have gotten myself out of that whole mess way before I did you know six seven years later I drank to tolerate the state of my life so then I never got my ass moving and felt the pain that I was supposed to feel so that I could move out of it when we use any sort of behavior to make things livable we're not able to move to our next phase evolve to our next version of ourselves

so yeah there's a lot of complexity to this unsupported grief that we experience when we are alienated from our kids and because we're going through such an intense unfamiliar type of grief we're going to have also some real intense unfamiliar sort of responses to it that maybe we aren't even aware of when it's happening the first thing that came to mind was um silver Ling's Playbook right where Jennifer what's her name's character in it her husband died when they were on the side of a highway or something like that the way that she dealt with her grief is that she went and slept with all these guys like just what after another after another after another it's so typical for us when

we're going through a period of grief and loss that we cover it up by numbing ourselves with some other kind of behavior and many times the person who is grieving doesn't even know that they're grieving even just going out and seemingly having fun out in public and laughing carrying on with your own life onlookers aren't taking into consideration that how the person is acting most often has no reflection on how they are feeling on the inside people want to be able to put anything in a box and shut it and tie it up into a boat and be done with it that's the way the brain works it's not necessarily the person who is trying to demonize or put you in a box we just want to explain

things put it to bed and move along the the problem with that is though on our side of things when they fault you for in this case of your situation of alienation then they also often times will deem it not necessary for you to grieve for you to be sad I like to think that most people aren't doing that to be cruel I think that just people don't understand how the brain works and really what they're choosing so they will look at us and be like oh well it's their fault anyway so if they didn't want that to happen then they shouldn't have done this stuff and so then they have no tolerance and don't expect us to need to grieve and they couldn't be further from the truth so we don't have

the right to grieve but then when we do act out of the norm for what grieving should look like then they also have a problem with that and they're like well why are they acting like that if they said that they were so upset and so they're double they're judging in a contradictory sort of way what they don't know is that the reason that you could be seemingly continuing on with life or out partying or sleeping around like Jennifer Lawrence's character that the reason that you you might be doing that is as a direct result of the the grief and the loss and the stress response that you might still be going through they're not aware that this is a coping mechanism of yours my bets are on

you that you can handle it it may not be pleasant especially when you're telling yourself that you can't handle it once you make this shift and start telling yourself that you can handle it it hurts and there's grief but you can handle it bring it on the suffering stops the grief stays the suffering stops completely make today your day to declare your own independence declare yourself free from the hell that you may feel like you've been living in how amazing would it be to decide that the person alienating your child from you does not hold any power over you anymore what would it feel like to know that from here on out you called all the shots in your life pertaining to how you

think about your situation of alienation how you think about your job if you're working how you think about your friends and your loved ones and your family and if you need to make new ones how you think about that how you think about your home and your image and all of these other things that come into your life and are interwoven to create the experience that you have on this Earth you want to be out there being as grounded and authentic and empowered as you can because that I tell you folks that speaks volumes I mean it's just amazing you've seen it like the tech talks when you've seen somebody that's processed through something and then can come out the other side and find

opportunities for their own growth in it that is impactful that's the [ __ ] when you're able to find your own fault and see it for what it is and not feel shameful about it then go out there so just be part of the solution and not part of the problem that the alienator presented if we heal we think that we are minimizing the pain and the suffering of the alienating parent and or your child has caused if it looks like you are healed and they're going to think that it's not a big deal what you went through and you need them to know that it was a big deal if you stay in your misery then they'll know what they've created in your life and so backwards thinking we all do it right in

one way or another but so backwards cuz you're actually creating perpetuating so much more suffering that might be actually like light altering and not in a good way you could be staying in this and creating this stagnancy and maybe lack of income maybe your relationships haven't gone well because you want them to know what they've done what I think is so important is that you heal yourself to the best of your ability so you can model what a healthy thriving uh resilient adult is who is acting from Love and not from regret or hatred or Revenge it's being a grown healthy adult so that they see that because they don't see that right now they see somebody that is acting out of fear and out of

insecurity and out of Revenge right and this is no I'm not this is no judgment passed on the alienating parent I don't mean it in that way truly I mean children need models right and and the more people that they see acting out of love and Purity and not feeling victimized and all that stuff they're better off that they are the grief that I felt due to the disconnect that happened when she would leave my arms and go to his home as soon as I handed her over into his arms or into his band new wife's arms I had to shut it off and pretend like I didn't have a child which was so very strange to me and so I was grieving the loss of this life that I thought that I was going to always have

right this role that I would have in my daughter's life that there would be continuity this wouldn't be shut on and off like a light switch I agreed also the idea for her of her parents the roles that we would have in her life and the normaly that she was undoubtedly going to be missing I hated it for her and so there's a lot of aspects of this greef that we feel but that very few people understand so that's what I wanted to share with you guys today and that was like the long explanation through it all is that I wanted to let you guys know that I too was in a really [ __ ] dark place really dark place awful and I had really made a mess of My Life as a result of the thoughts that I

was thinking because of the alienation and because of the functional life that I had before even the alienation began which is why I chose my daughter's father and all the things and I'm glad I did because at least my daughter is here you know on this earth right which I believe was supposed to happen but my point is I continually kept making a mess of my life because I was in this fight right with myself really and so I know what it's like to be suffering I truly do I should find a picture from what I was like back then and maybe like a journal entry and post it on my website because I'm telling you guys it was a completely different situation I want to stress to you guys that I have

the situation I was in you know just a few years ago it was mess you know and I say that to offer you hope want to offer you that maybe just maybe you also did not get the Short Straw you did not get the raal maybe just maybe you were gifted with something amazing with something beautiful it just hasn't been fully unwrapped yet like I said if this doesn't resonate with you yet Circle back to this one cuz maybe later it will it's happened we're here this is where we're at right alienation is happening or has happened or wherever you are with it so what are you going to do with it now we if you stay in resistance to the fact that it's whatever's happened already if you stay in resistance to

that you're going to be a Shelby on the couch at 1:30 in the afternoon cracking open you're your first beer of the day right causing your own physical illness bad blood work or you can decide to utilize it to propel you forward to build you up way more fun I promise you it may seem like the worst thing in the world to do while you're in it because I used it was a noble reason to fight cuz for me I thought if I use this to my benefit this I would never ever take that stance cuz if I took that stance then I was in somehow in agreement with it you know or I was not doing my Injustice Justice like I wasn't lifting up and and displaying the injustices being done correctly I hope that makes

sense so I needed to leave it as it was I needed for that to stay that way and and and for me to stay stuck in order to make sense of it which didn't make any sense whatsoever but anyway so yeah so maybe just maybe you are the lucky one okay just consider it consider how that might be true for you how you might be the lucky one today maybe not the lucky one even consider how this could be something that you could use to your benefit maybe that your situation is what is going to bring you to being the best version of yourself and and without going through this alienation you would never actually reach the best version of yourself okay and then you could also

trust that this situation of alienation is also bringing your child or children to their best versions of thems and I know this one is a jagged pill to swallow okay I do I know because doing that work for myself was was a tough one at first right I really wanted to resist that there's no way you know there's abuse happening and there's you know so many bad things happening why no kid should go through this that was huge for me but I want to remind you too that suffering has been happening for eons Forever This is people have been cruel since they were people so this shouldn't be happening it shouldn't this abuse shouldn't be happening maybe just maybe it is not a helpful thought to think it

may be true that abuse is happening but maybe choosing to think that it shouldn't be happening isn't helping you isn't helping your child maybe finding a more helpful thought about this is what is going to bring you and your child also to their best version so I think that there's no downside to thinking that the abuse it has happened or alienation has happened now how can I make something of this how can I influence its change how can I make an impact on my child's life from here the alternative is that you sit on the couch that you under earn because you're stuck in depression the alternative is poisoning your body with anger and resentment and making yourself sick the

most important thing is that you feel bitter and hurt and helpless and incapable that is hell that is hell that's not you all of thingss are just listed that's not you that's your primitive brain trying to keep you safe so you have to use your executive functions to overcome make the choice to trust make the choice to keep trying to play the handout be your own Advocate talk to you later guys see you next week okay all right thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next week