Anatomy of An Alienated Parent: Could Trauma Be the Commonality?

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 94 stay tuned hello folks how we doing today episode 94 I got some stuff I got I have a full episode in my brain right here I just came off of a came up with a very eventful weekend if you guys are listening to me like real time the week that uh this is being released or even in the month or so after it is released there's a lot that kind of happened this weekend in the world right as far as the current events and the attempted assassination and all the things um not going to get into a political conversation here but that and then there was po Richard Simmons recog his

soul um you know where the world is down ray of sunshine he was a special special person but anyway and a couple others too um as as far as that's concerned passed away I won't go into all that stuff because we are a podcast about alien AAL and how we heal from it most people that is not a word that you usually hear uh giggle after anyway um it's miraculous that I can today have a giggle after that word there was a time and there's nothing funny about alienation just the way that I said it so it was an eventful weekend for me too um but we'll get into in just a second first of all I wanted to do announcements Friday Facebook live same thing noon eastern time okay so it's

still going on still doing it it is recurring in the private Facebook group you just gotta join listen I said it I might have edited it out in my last episode or one of the little more recent episodes if you have applied what's the word I'm trying to look for to to if you tried to come into the Facebook the private group and for one reason or another you weren't accepted make sure that you are responding to the questions that I posed in the beginning like when you're going to to join the group okay those questions are there for a reason not because I do anything with the information I really just give them a once over but I need to vet you because I want to make sure that the parents

that I have in there and that the community the atmosphere the environment for you guys is one of a supporting loving kind and that everybody there is an alienated parent who's on their way way to Healing you know is in the process of healing themselves and their lives and possible reconnection with their children okay I've had um I was Isn't So diligent in the beginning but that didn't serve us well so now I've learned to be very diligent with it so if you do want to join and for whatever reason you haven't answer the questions okay just respond to the questions that it doesn't have to be a book doesn't even have to be a paragraph if you don't want one or two sentences a piece so

there's that and even if you want to like put a note like hey you know tried before and for whatever reason I didn't get accepted whatever I don't care just let me know that you're human and you're not some scammer trying to sell us Pi Services whatever okay thanks um okay and another thing is is that we got some new reviews I say we and you know because I want to include you guys just like I said last week or the week before whenever I said it is because there wouldn't be a this show without y'all so I do say we um having said that I won't necessar include you in the Wii when I tell you that we we got a bad review um that I am absolutely going to address

because I think I should because I think it y'all deserve it we deserve it anyway so the first one is not the bad review is taking my life back and this is from Essie Burger this is actually one of my clients um and she says Shelby has been my coach since December of 2023 while I'll will be the first to admit that I'd rather not put the work in she never lets me quit I'm an alienated mom with three beautiful girls they're adults now but I'm almost six years into my alienation and she has provided for me the foundation I need to become the very best that I can be thank you Shelby so that was from Sam thank you Sam I really appreciate that I really you know I do

thank you and then I know who this one is too she's not a client but she comes to the Facebook group all the time HR saves lives I won't say your name even though I know you know I know I said I wrote a very long thoughtful response please let me know if you didn't receive my last review just add some my previous reviews I just want to ensure that you're receiving my love and support you so deser you're so sweet I did not in fact your other reviews went away um HR saves lives uh your other reviews just went away I'm not sure what happened but that's the one that's there right now and still I love it so thank you then there was one that says disappointed I got one star I'm going to

read it I was excited to hear someone speak on Parental alienation I am however severely disappointed that she would say that alienation is worse than losing a child I've had several deep losses and there is no hope of reconciliation in these relationships you would think someone who lost her brother would understand the profound difference and respect it more it was insulting unfollowing well JP scrug I I truly am sorry that you feel this way I am too also sorry if what I said wasn't clear um this what I'm reading here how I'm understanding this is I don't believe that I have ever said that a death is less or that alienation is worse than a death I do however recall and I this

morning went back and relistened to the part when I was reading those um this was this review would have it would have made sense if you were talking about the episode two episodes ago where I was reading the my journals from years ago and I mentioned that people people compare alienation to that of a death and that I said it was kind of like a death it except for the fact that this is where maybe you were talking about except for the fact that with a death there is an opportunity for closure um and if that seemed insensitive to you I am truly from the bottom of my heart I'm very sorry this person has unfollowed so I don't even I doubt that they'll ever even hear um

what I'm saying but that also goes out to all of you too listening if here's the thing and this is why I wanted to address this one considering the subject matter that we are I am confronting here in this whole show almost 100 episodes there are bound to be people that I don't rub the right way the actually sounded wrong you know what I'm saying but is outspoken and honest open as I am with you guys there are bound to be times where you don't agree with what I say and that is okay in fact I feel like it's inevitable I feel like if you agree with every single thing I said or did or thought then we might have well either come live with me or we might have a problem there's a

reason why we are all different and I actually I think that that's what makes the world around you know that's what makes life interesting um and I really truly what I really would have appreciated from this person is if they would have sent me an email if they would have uh come to me and opened up a conversation unfortunately with apple reviews when somebody writes a review it's a review and that's a oneway exchange so I really don't have the opportunity to and maybe this person didn't love that right usually the reason why why people write skating reviews and unfollow is because they don't they want and be done with it and that's okay you know I've definitely

been there for the most part I don't like to write scathing reviews especially these days but there were there was definitely a time um you know not so long ago and during my healing um where I was angry Pockets that I was in entitled I'm not saying that this person is pockets of talking about me and me alone Pockets that I was in where I felt like I was owed more from people from the world because I had been done wrong I was wronged I had been through such a hard life and so I would get angry at anybody I thought that was crossing a line or or doing wrong or something you know anything that I didn't agree with and I would say it and I would do it in reviews like this again I'm speaking

about me and I'm not accusing this person of being that right now so please just understand that I was just relating I get it I understand if you're in a place where you thought that writing a review this way on the shows guess was a good idea that's okay you know but I also like really really welcome if any of you ever have you know have some sort of beef take offense to something I say you are more more more than welcome please know I do say that I do take a little while to get back to email but please email me okay I would love to open up a conversation about it we're all going through something and so this person I have love for them I understand that they I do get from what

they wrote that they are going through something and they feel hurt they feel hurt by what they think that I said right I don't believe I said that if I did I never meant it maybe it was in a different episode and that's not how I at all in fact what I truly believe I really really got to get to the episode but maybe there was a time I I will say this maybe there was a time and maybe he or she read that from when I was reading the journals that I did think that alienation was worse than a death I truly believe that I didn't say that in these episodes but I maybe I did think that because when you're going through something so [ __ ] challenging as alienation and you you desperately want

to love the child that is still on this Earth and not in your life and you don't understand why and you're looking for answers of course I felt that way that it was this has got to be worse than a death because they're still here I can see them it's torture do you know what I'm saying so I absolutely guaranteed I'm not going to lie about that there are probably many times many periods of times where I did think thoughts like that now again I will repeat I will maintain that I don't believe that I've ever said that like today I believe that alienation is absolutely positively worse than a death it's worse than blah blah blah I don't truly I don't think it's like that because I think

everybody's walk is their own you know I do think that it's a popular consensus that this is the hardest thing a parent can go through now are we biased am I biased maybe possibly probably right because we're going through something we're going through it and that is my right to go through it that is your right it is this person that wrote the staving reviews right to go through it it's fine we all are going to go through different phases of this right so my whole point of going through all of that is to say that the things that I share with you on these episodes I know that what I say isn't concrete and it isn't every parent experience it's not it is my experience it is my journey through

healing and I share it with you and hopes to save y'all years off your healing Journey if that's what you want I share with you my insights from my brain my feelings my experiences an effort to hopefully help you through yours that's the purpose of this I provide this as a free resource for you guys so that you can heal and feel not alone that was the first ever desire I had whenever I was going through this I shared with you guys a long time ago if you've been with you know Following the show since the beginning that's what I when I was in my therapist office and I found out that there was a name for this horrible situation that we're going through as parents I was like when I get

through this I need to somehow help other parents to feel like they're not as alone as I have felt this road has been long and lonely and scary um and shame F and I don't want anybody else to ever go through that now I can't control the fact that y'all are going through it but I can certainly offer my experience strength and hope and that's what these episodes are for and so what I would urge you to do is take what you like and leave the rest please I'm I'm human I'm fallible okay and so I know that the majority of you if you're keep coming back you understand that and I just also just want to remind you too I you know of course I'm going to make mistakes just another parent you know going

through the motions and getting by another parent who misses her child just as much as y'all do okay I'm bound to make mistakes but I sure do appreciate and love you guys for showing up each week and listening and for your loyalty and so for those of you who do appreciate it I appreciate you too and I even appreciate the ones of you who don't appreciate it it's okay there was probably a time in my own healing where if somebody like me came on maybe I wouldn't have appreciated them all the time in fact I know I've shared with you guys before that um my mentor and then later coach and teacher and all the things there was a time period where I boycotted her she said something that I didn't

like and I was easily offended at that point I was like [ __ ] you unfollow and I didn't turn her back on probably for at least six months couldn't even I was so mad at her oh how dare she say something like that and then something made me go back and I realized that was actually the most powerful work I ever did was on the thing that I was offended about now again not saying that this person's going to be like that at all in fact I'm not banking on that but it is funny how sometimes you're just not ready to receive certain things and that was my case um anyway if I have ever offended you I'm truly sorry you know that everything I say is true always coming from a deep

deep love and admiration for you too that you are here and working on yourself and attempt to to stop the cycle you know for your kiddo there is definitely an quote unquote easier choice right a less a choice with less work upfront right which is just not M just it's not happening or him Anda and that's the more comfortable familiar choice but um and that many people choose but the your choice is a brave one so um anyway thank you for tuning in every week and for supporting me in that way supporting the show supporting us supporting like all of us as the only needed parents and getting to work out there so all right that's was a very long introduction let's move it along

y'all so so um today we are going to talk about um something on my shirt I want hot mess today so I was telling you about that this weekend was an eventful one but I did not explain what has been happening not nothing huge but my darling mother came into town and I knew at this time she didn't just show up she didn't surprise me uh she was supposed to stay until today actually today's Tuesday and she did not she left early she left on Sunday after afternoon we were headed to a movie and within a blink of an eye she was up and she was out of here and I tell you this because I have a lesson some insights and a theory about us as alien needed parents and what maybe possibly our common

traits and why it is that we were susceptible to the alienation and to entering into a relationship with a person who would alienate our children from us so that is the the premise for today's episode this is the most one of the most popular questions that I get from you guys from my own clients is I just got it the other day from one of my dads who said I wonder there's a common trait among parents who have been alienated and I wrote back many he had a very funny response after that but anyway I wrote many because this whole time and even a couple episodes I believe I was saying that uh I I think I sprinkled in it throughout that we wouldn't have ever chosen the person a

kind of person that would alienate our own children from us had we not had earlier trauma now now if that isn't true for you then I please understand that I am not in any way accusing you or pretending to know your journey okay but from my experience and those many many parents that I have spoken to in the past five six years I believe my theory stands true okay I am just a Coach master ceri coach who specializes in grief and post-traumatic growth so I do not have the doctorate this is not based and anything but maybe a Shelby ISM just my humble opinion before I give you the full Theory let me give you some context if you would have asked me even up until

probably five years ago something like that what my childhood was like and even actually I think I shared with you maybe a year like when I first started the show um like back in the Bill of Rights I think I even said it then I don't know I'm just you'd I'd have to go back to it but I think that I said that I had a normal childhood I had I was providing for things were fine in my childhood right and they I mean here I sit right so things were fine we all have experienced some sort of trauma growing up I believe but I would have told you for years and years and years that oh yeah my childhood was great what are you talking about my parents were fine they were healthy they were great everything

was fine sure fantastic and I have clients to this day you might know who you are maybe you don't though because there are certain attachment styles there's one attachment style an avoidant attachment you may not know and you may be truly convinced that you did have a perfect childhood in which case that is completely fine and but if you want to stop the cycle right that has been continuing and if you want to find some healing um as it relates to the situation of alienation how you got yourself here how you can get yourself out how you can feel better and take back your power and blah blah blah blah blah then this is why I'm providing you with this information today again if it applies

great take what you like leave the rest okay all right so back in the day I would have told you that I had a normal childhood mom and dad were great mom was loving she was fun she took me on these great extravagant trips on the Fly she would just show up at my school and off we would go to Disney World or to wherever to Burma one time we went back to Ty this showed up at my school off we went to Thailand for a 3 week long vacation while my dad was whever I had so much fun with her right and so those memories were amazing and that's what I kind of thought about when I where I thought about like how I was provided for and like that you know I never went hungry my mom was loving to

me a lot of times right that's what I thought about and because what what we grow up with what we're born into is is normal for us as we grow up we don't really have words for anything other than that we don't we're not brought up to question in many families not brought up to question authority and our conditions our our our environment right until we get into school and we see other kids other families other households and how they operate and then for me depending on where I was I lived in Southeast Asia and then kind of we hopped around a lot so my life was a bit chaotic anyway geographically although I loved that part um wherever I was I did notice that households were run much

differently than they were in my house didn't have the words for why it just felt different I knew that for my house I couldn't just bring kids home you know friends home I had to go home and kind of make sure things were chill copesthetic and then maybe I could feel it out and talk a certain way in order to get my mom to say yes and have kids coming it just really depended but my house felt different I I felt different and I never really knew why I I blamed it on I always just pointed the finger at oh it must be because my brother was always in trouble it must be because my dad and my brother fought a lot my dad and my mom fought a lot so that's why it was chaotic and I don't think that

there's one thing and again remember I was sharing with you guys before about like each time I was in the shower I'd like want to look for the person that was responsible for why I was the way I was that's not what I'm doing here and I need to make that clear because my intention is for you guys to if you notice any similarities for you to use it to uncover your own truth right not by sitting and wallowing and like m in your the trauma of your past by any needs that's in fact that's what I would like you not to do but knowledge is power right and and when you're ready if and when you're ready to be able to look back see the consistencies in inconsistency if that makes sense then

maybe you can make sense of your future and change the narrative going forward change your own patterns that you developed as a result of being an environment that was unstable back when okay so we're not I'm not doing any of this giving you guys any of this information to blame shift to you know none of that let's just use it knowledge information is power the more that you have the more that you can do with now after this weekend after what happened with my incident here with my mom I was angry and I will not hide that I definitely still do have some resentment going on with my mom and especially now really confirming what my theory is that I'm getting ready to tell you I will

absolutely acknowledge that I still have some work to do in this area so I'm not going to like go all the way in with you guys I want to share with you coming from a healed place and so that's the part that I'm going to share right now so I believe that parents whove been Ali needed that many most I curious to find out what the numbers are how how many targeted parents of alienation grew up with a BPD or NPD adjacent parent they may not have had fullblown borderline full-blown NPD many times it's more of a spectrum you have five or more the DSM says okay then that's when we could be diagnosable but there are there's a spectrum we've already established that we wouldn't be

where we are and that we wouldn't have chosen the people that we chose without there being trauma and I want to take a step further and say that it might be because you had like in my case a BPD adjacent mother or father stay with me here if you feel like it's not you and it's okay if it's not you like I said the way beginning you don't have to identify or agree with everything I say please don't but it if it sounds like it might be you if it sounds a little intriguing then hear me out okay so I grew up and my mom could never really put a finger on what it was because she was very loving she was very loving she was very fun she could be very fun and there are different types

of BPD it can show up in different ways and it can show up in different ways with the same person so it could be different aspects of it you know depending on different eras that go through different moods anywh but she could be very fun she could be very loving very nurturing very supportive and then she could be the opposite of that she could be very punitive very punishing shaming she spoke very derogatory at times judgmental she would shut you out and give you the silent treatment big thing for her was that she was untrusting and would tell you that you were not worthy of being trusted even as you know as a little kid so I was believed that I was untrust trustworthy

like from The Gap like oh okay so that gave me the idea that I was somewhat like that I had something to hide that I wasn't full like complete I didn't ever have the words for any of this it wasn't always in like a verbal exchange many times it was but a lot of times it was in like size and the way she would loudly like laboriously sigh while was doing something she disapproved of or speaking in a way that she didn't want to hear anymore um like saying this actually kind of Stir It Up in me right now and that's not what I'm trying to do for you but I think it might be helpful if like what I'm even saying right now sounds anywhere near familiar for you or it's

intriguing that you go do just a little research and I am going to give you a person that I've been watching some videos on in the last four 48 Hours um Dr Kim Sage is she's on YouTube she's great on this particular topic so it would make sense that as parents who chose somebody that would IL need our kids from us and that we might have had to depending on the Dynamics of the relationship and how different those can be from one relationship to the next from one moment to the next it could be that what you were feeling most as a child somehow showed up later on once the alienation began and even in the relationship although it will rarely present the same when you're just first

dating them you know what I'm saying so it's obviously you weren't like oh this is just like how my mom or dad used to be so yay this is fun never you just it's different because it's a romantic relationship as opposed to a parental relationship but the role that you played in it could have been similar if you had to Fawn with your mom maybe you fawned with them if you numbed around your parents and you had more of a avoidant dismissive attachment style because your mom if she was like over the top and you became avoidant then you might have gone into freeze much of the time in your relationship with the narcissist or whoever is ying eating your kids from

you all I'm saying is is there might be congruent IES similarities and I think it's worth considering anyway because the healing that this weekend actually provided to me was was pretty substantial even in the severe disappointment so what happened was is she started doing her sighing and all of her things and disapproving and she was um very defensive and I said that like not even in a um angry or even way I was like well you're so defensive right now I was kind of joking and she blew up and then she got her stuff and packed her stuff within a two minute period I think she'd already decided she wanted to leave um and she was out the door and she I don't know I guess she drove back down in

Miami which is like whatever I haven't heard from her since um very like impulsive quick to to act way and so again don't necessarily want to focus on what they do what anybody else outside of us does but how we respond to it in the moment I I had a lot of anxiety when it happened and I noticed the anxiety coming on the day before the night before when we were watching a movie and I noticed her wanting to control me and get annoyed with me because I wasn't watching it the way she wanted me to watch the movie I wasn't sitting in the way that she wanted me to sit responding in the way that she wanted me to I don't know you know I noticed the the pattern coming up and I noticed the and me and I

was like oh and so I already started to feel walking on eggshell is you know and I just think it's interesting because then I started to ask myself the Reas the question after my client had asked this question days before just a couple days before you know what is this what are the similarities and I always knew it was I believed it was trauma earlier trauma for all of us and the fact that we do sort of tend to Fawn or freeze around um the person who was alienating her children from us even while in the relationship or the repeated behavior from when we were children right whatever those were um then after this weekend I Revisited that question and I was like I really wonder why and I

started to think about all of my clients current clients and some of my past clients and I was like just thinking back to conversations and I was like you know I think this could be a possibility and I think like I said it's okay I mean yeah today I'm mad at my mom like right now I'm pretty pissed at the way she's choosing to behave and has chosen to behave and how her behavior during my growing up has really affected my all of my choices and formed all of my choices growing up until now right because now that I know and I'm able to acknowledge what was happening she doesn't have any more power over me and I don't mean that in a righteous like shitty way I just mean no

now I have responsibility of myself and that is the best news ever because now if when I'm outside of blaming and I'm just acknowledging then I hold all of the control of what I do moving forward if I am the one that is responsible for me I don't have to look to anybody else to do anything my can continue being BPD or displaying traits of BPD right that's okay that's her do I love it no not at all it's pretty damn inconvenient but also I can use it to my advantage I can use it to grow me you know and I'm going to use it to grow Me by setting my own boundaries going from here forward I don't really know what those are going to be at but I do know that I'm going to use it to my

advantage and that's what I'm suggesting for you guys too that you know understanding why the alienation happened to begin with like where were you because a lot of times what we do is we sort of blame ourselves they're like why why was I so stupid why did I [ __ ] fall for this like how come I didn't know sooner why didn't I just see the signs why didn't I acknowledge why didn't I leave why didn't I blah blah blah blah all of that [ __ ] right and when you're given the power like when you give yourself Empower Yourself by saying wait a second I wouldn't have just been stupid because I'm inherently stupid right I didn't make these choices or or not make these choices because I'm

lazy or because I'm somehow flawed you know on the inside I made these choices possibly because of my own upbringing and the role that it was necessary for me to play as a child and now I can stop that I don't have to continue on fawning with anybody I am in control of my life today and I don't need to pick people in my life that I it would be necessary for me to Fawn for me to fall in line for or numb around or put on some sort of armor some sort of protection in order to Shield me from their behavior I don't have to do that anymore now the more I get to know the reasons why I did what I did chose the things that I chose then the more compassion I can have for myself and the

more now I'm like okay it's not that I'm bad or not worthy of anything better and now I know why I did it because I thought that I had to back then in fact I did have to back then I was a child now I'm an adult I don't have to continue this Behavior anymore and so it really can be very freeing for you this this weekend although it was suck it was so necessary and very enlightening validating you know sad very sad sad but also validating and gave me a feeling of support like I I feel like I'm able to support myself more with the information with the acknowledgement of what is actually I believe is actually happening not in bla right it's not she's bad I'm good or

she's responsible for my misery no that's not going to do anybody any good for me it's she's been through trauma I know what her family life was like and it was not also not consistent and not um stable right and so it would make sense that she developed her own map of the world it's manifested in the way that she shows up and she doesn't even know it she knows she's miserable I know that so I didn't even get to some a couple of the stories that I thought that you guys might be able to identify with as far as like the common out like what it might have looked like for you if you grew up in a household with a BPD or BPD adjacent mom or parent I should say they I keep saying mom because all the

research points to it's moms it's 75% more women are diagnosed with borderline that doesn't mean that that's the actual number but that's really like I think last study was done in 2022 75% were women and so it has been like tagged or deemed more of like a women's uh personality disorder but I I don't think that that's really even scratching the surface and it says only 1.6% of people are diagnosed BPD but I think it's got to be more most people aren't diagnosed because BPD and NPD are personality disorders nobody wants to admit the things that they're actually thinking not if you are have the disorder so it's very difficult to diagnose if you're not owning up to what's going on

you know what I'm saying that's the pisser about personality disorders is that they're only diagnosable as much as somebody's willing to own up so I didn't really get into the examples of what it might look like for you or what it might have looked like for you growing up you can do that Google research if you want to but also in the private Facebook group this Friday I'm going to be sharing two or three different examples of what it looked like for me growing up again not there to bash or to like tell War Stories by any means but I'd like to share with you my insights on you know how it showed up so that maybe it can bring you guys with some clarity for whoever you know might be experiencing

with some clarity for what was going on with you maybe you think maybe that's what's going on I'm not sure maybe you don't have words for why things felt so unsafe unstable unnerving in your house maybe it was a lot of the large Le non-verbal that the size like my mom the silent treatment the quiet disapproval the silent punishments the controlling nature of a parent with either one of these personality disorders so that's that that's my theory maybe you too it's not misery love company by any means but maybe you too grew up with a NPD or BPD adjacent in which case too I do want to offer that if you have had a parent that was this way the love was coming for you very inconsistently and

unpredictably unpredictably right and so you weren't sure whether you were going to be showered with love and being the good kid or whether you were going to be scorned and um accused right it's a very uh accusatory persecuting sort of feel to it I think at its worst critical like my mom was very like hypercritical of of everything and very she was always uh questioning the intent of others even her own children right her husband my father at the time I mean my father her husband at the time my father you know very very suspect she was always concerned that people were doing things for the wrong reasons paranoid you know she is to the day now she's paranoid in a different way

politically you know but anyway so if you're going through that um you may not have been given the validation and love and consistent support you know that you've always yearned for and so it would make sense that in relationships you got with somebody that also wasn't truly present for you with borderline their fear is that they're going to be abandoned and so oddly enough because thoughts create our results if they're thinking they're going to be abandoned they end up creating the reality that they are abandoned for like the true reality and the reality in the brain that they're living they shut the whole world out from them because the way that they behave in fear of being abandoned

and where NPD is fearful of being embarrassed and or being exposed being not good enough right never measuring up now I will say that we all have those fears too so it doesn't mean that just because your parents were BPD or NPD that you are and even if you are or if you display some of these traits it's okay I need to say that I wish I would have said this in the beginning if you have BPD NPD it's only when we're untreated or not acknowledged right any sickness that we have I don't care if we're talking about diet diabetes if we're talking about narcissistic personality disorder it's only when it's untreated that it's a a problem that it really starts to affect yourself and the

people around you in a terrible way when you're open to treatment and you're taking the steps to help yourself and therefore help your relationships and your children and whatever then it's okay there's nothing to be shamed about here all of what I'm talking about even with my mom she's not bad because she has she might have she displays BPD traits she's not bad she's just untreated you know so having compassion is huge um for yourself if you might be going through it or because of going through it being present for somebody else's untreated sickness right and the last thing I want to say is if you identify with any of what I have just given you it's just information that you can have

what I encourage you to do is to not wow in your path and look and blame from your past but instead use this to help yourself moving forward if you're going to spend time looking back into your past spend an equal amount of time looking into today in your future okay so that you're not stuck sitting in your past and trying to explain your past to yourself because that's not going to help you at all I mean it's not going to help you in the long on run get to where you're going because now we're just reliving memories right that's definitely going to work against you so you have to make sure that make a commitment to yourself to balance any time that you spend back looking for

answers in also counteracting that and spending time in in today and your future okay I'll revisit more of this in upcoming episodes this is not the last you will hear about BPD but yeah anyway all right y'all take care

thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next week