Holding Space For Your Anger

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 59 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road hey you guys real quick it's that time of year again and so I am um this time going to have you guys sign up with your preferred day in time for the holiday support group okay so if you think at all that you might even tiny bit be interested please go sign up for that so that I know who's interested who's not gauged what I need to do to prepare for it the link will be below it's beyondthe high.com holiday support group sign up I think check the notes below and click on that link okay all right all right okay hey you guys how are you guys

doing it's a rainy day here in Theo beach in south Florida south is Florida I think it was only supposed to rain for like a little bit and it hasn't stopped I am crazy right now let me just because I have had more going on in the last month well really in the last 10 years but in the last month with carnita with my piggy passing of course but then also my I don't know if I yes I'm sure I talk with you guys about this a little bit but my lease is up on my car was up long time ago and I keep wanting needing to turn this car in because now they're charging me daily but there's been an ongoing sag us A lady backed into me um you know just days before before the lease was actually up and so

I've been dealing with insurance and with you know the whole nine it's been like boom boom boom boom boom things and then finally today I got the go-ahead that insurance was done with this leased car and then at the same time just 10 minutes ago got the go-ahead that I could go pick up the new car different maker different everything so I'm not keeping the lease like I think I might have shared with you guys before I was going to was going to buy it out but anyway you don't need to know all the stuff but it's been hectic as hell and so just now I got word that I can go pick up the other car however of course the the payment terms that I thought were going to be are less desirable than

they initially were by about $100 a month so it's all right I will deal right now I'm just grateful that I can have this done close that chapter and move along and get back to a little bit more of a stable boring life that's what I like do you like my hair today you guys I don't know if you guys are watching got like these bangs oh what was I thinking anyway yeah I am all over the place today so I am gonna switch this so I'm not looking at myself there we go all right today we're going to be talking about anger and kind of I was thinking about it this weekend I'll tell you guys just a little bit of a story give you some background in in my my more recent recurrences of anger then

I'll give you my thoughts on how to manage it how to manage your mind around it so that you can still move about your day move about your lives okay so before I got to any of this work doing any of this work I'm sure that I've shared with you in the past that I didn't know that I could question the thoughts that were in my head I didn't know that my emotion didn't run me like I thought that if somebody did something appalling or angering in my opinion that I had no other choice but to show up in anger I thought that well it's BEC they did that of course I'm angry and of course I'm going to lash out as if that is just everybody's truth or that I was just born this way because I'm fiery because

I'm wear my heart on my sleeve I thought that this was was something that was just innately in me and that I couldn't control so of course if somebody angers me I'm going to lash out back at them this is just cause and effect and what I've learned is that it's not the case I can actually be the director of my own thoughts emotions and actions this was something for so long that I never even considered it like I never even considered that it was possible to be able to manage my mind around my emotions and that when angry I didn't have to lash out I didn't have to act in anger and have the knee-jerk reactions I truly thought that that was just a matter of fact it was just that's they

did this I got angry and I did that right I they shouldn't make me angry that was the way I saw it to tell them not to do that and then I won't act like this right this is not my fault and looking back on it now I I do I have to chuckle because it's that's silliness I never really um I know I'd have heard people talk about being responsible for their actions before but I never really put it into context with my own life and with my own like practical application of it you know does that make sense so maybe possibly some of you are going through the same thing and I just wanted to open up that conversation and just open up the possibility for you that you can work on

this if you want to and create better results for yourself with the anger that you do have okay so it's not that we ever want to move out of anger if anger seems appropriate there are many things about our situations of alienation that are appropriately angering like it's the appropriate emotion to have I think like I want want to choose anger sometimes um I'm getting to the point now where actually I really try to First choose love because in compassion and understanding and curiosity before I choose anger but there are times when I'm just like no I'm very clear on the fact that I want to be angry about this situation and I don't think there's anything wrong with that I think it's

healthy for us to experience all of the emotions as you know I you I'm sure you've heard me say before if you've been listening for um even one or two episodes so the emotion is not a problem it's not bad I don't even think it's undesirable I think it deserves context and I think it depends on whether you're choosing it or not and that's really to me the AHA like defining moment in my journey through all of this right because with something like alien or any other trauma that you might be carrying due to whatever's happened in your past we're going to have there's a lot of powerful emotion intense powerful emotion that we experience the sooner that we learn to expect these intense

emotions the sooner we can accept them not feeling the need to change them or shift them or hurry up and feel them and move out of them I think there was an early episode that I talked about this feel like it was um there was like three different topics and one of them was not processing away feelings or emotions I forget how I worded that but that might be a good one for you to go back and listen to as well um if you haven't already with anger especially it's obviously one of the more intense feelings that we have and we by habit by default many of us most of us dare I say all of us at some point in our lives have felt at the effect of it it can feel uncontrollable at times to

experience anger so recently I've been having this Resurgence of anger I don't even know if it's a Resurgence because what I think happened is I was in such a fog when I finally left the Byron guy you know yeah was in a fog and felt very vulnerable weak and just was ready desperate to get out right and so I don't think I fully ever processed through the anger I had about specific things that had happened in the past I'm going to get just a trigger warning here you guys I'm going to share some part of an experience of some physical abuse so just know that um I'm fine totally fine but I think it would maybe help some of you I would probably regret not sharing

so I'm going to share so back be way before I actually left him like a year before I actually left him and about year after we got married there had been many problems in the relationship never I can't say never should have married him obviously I should have here I am hopefully my experience will help somebody else but um if I was to go back and do it again that's one of the things that I wouldn't have done with married this clown okay but having said that I did and about a year later he that he was very unsupportive we actually never lived in the same home I lived in my house he lived in his that's besides the point right now he broke my arm he was drunk one night and uh was sitting in a

chair and and got up and kicked me as I was walking away real hard in my arm and so I share that with you um in fact I don't know if I've ever really shared that with anybody like what actually happened I don't think I've ever done that but I had to have surgery twice to follow the break because there was the non-union like the bone was completely was broke you know in half and so it wasn't anyway it was a complicated break a complicated situation overall and caused me a lot of like physical pain as a result I'm still um I have tendonitis and arthritis now in the opposite hands because of over usage I had a surgery because of it last year another surgery I had trigger finger there's just been

all these complications you know he's the gift that keeps on giving let's just say that okay and so I'm still feeling the repercussions of staying with him of being with him because he was who he was I never really had time to be angry about it or the the safe place to be angry about it because I was walking on eggshells most of the time you know depending on where we were in that cycle of abuse right I was either walking on eggshell or it was a Christmas you know sort of time you know how that goes and so the last like week or so I've had another Resurgence of this anger that I have for him and that I haven't fully processess through I was thinking about it this weekend and years ago I would

have been flimming things around in my house and like impatient and angry with everybody around me and probably would have used my anger as an excuse to either go out or not to get my work done or to you know indulge in the anger right I would have been like oh I'm angry and I'm going to be angry and like luxuriate in it it would have seeped into the rest of my interactions and maybe that would have its own effect ripple effect um for you know months or however long to come right maybe I didn't you know I wouldn't have um performed well at work or with a client or two you know you just never know I would have thought it was out of my control like I can't help it I'm angry

he did that how would you expect me to act and now I think about that was childish of me to behave that way to use the anger I mean this happened I think with a lot of the emotions but especially anger I used it as my excuse my hall pass to some up right and so I'm was thinking I had something else scheduled for this week and I thought I bet you this is something that could really help you some of you especially during the holiday season emotions can sometimes Run High during this time if you're still doing exchanges with the other parent or whoever is alienating your child from you then you know this can be a time when goes down the other parent doesn't return with your kiddo on

time and screws up your holiday plans let's say you have the second half of Christmas or they whatever is happening for Thanksgiving and so next thing you know um you know you're having to rebook flights or cancel the trip or res you know how that goes and so anger is definitely a probability right and so I want you to be able to prepare for that and sort of like put on that this mindset and just maybe consider how you could prepare yourself for that sit situation with responses ahead of time but I just want to offer you the idea that you can be angry and allow for the anger without indulging in it it's possible it's possible to recognize the anger understand it have compassion for

yourself for the anger and then stop it there right it doesn't mean you have to cut the anger off and stop feeling the anger but oftentimes what we'll do is like indulge in it and feed the anger with more evidence thoughts about reasons why you should be angry thus affecting you and your the quality of living in the moment even more and then maybe even uh affecting the responses you have in the situation and clouding your judgment okay so you can just remind yourself in a moment of anger like okay I mean put it in your words but the way I like to do it for me is like I take a deep breath okay I'm angry I feel angry and then I narrate it oh that's what it is narrating equal

airtime and not processing away feelings that's the episode okay so you can narrate it and just like I'm feeling anger right now I'm I am angry they are doing something that I don't like and the story I'm telling myself is is you fill in the blank but I'll just suppose right now for you the story I'm telling myself is they don't respect my time they don't respect my time with my kid they don't respect my family's time with the kid my kids however it is then if this is the case like let's say it's this they're late back for from and en cringing on your time then what your brain is going to want to do is come up with all of the reasons you should be angry maybe even reasons why you should

show your family you're angry for them right sort of advocating for them and you taking on their anger right it's like this weird people pleasing that we do we want to show the people our loyalty by taking on and indulging in the emotion that we think that they're going to have does that make sense so but in doing this when even saying it out loud it's ridiculous right like you are actually internalizing what you think their emotion might be therefore causing yourself more suffering at your own expense for them but you're not even sure if they really are feeling that emotion or they want you to be feeling that emotion does that make sense we end up causing it's

basically you're causing yourself a whole bunch of unnecessary stuff right so instead when your brain wants to start indulging and telling stories and reasons why and going circling the drain right you know falling down the rabbit hole of anger instead you can stop yourself there and like step in the driver's seat Envision yourself stepping in the driver's seat in your brain I like to picture the committee of dummies in my brain some of them all the different personalities and emotions all sitting in a crowded bus up in my brain right and then me higher thinking coming and sitting in the front seat where it's supposed to while all the crazy in the back are drinking and throwing stuff and

paper airplanes and hitting each other you know what I'm saying make it a bit funny cartoonize it a little bit is that even a word but you know what I'm saying and then doing that I lighten my mood I'm still I'm not like distracting myself completely from the problem because I'm actually just envisioning imagining what it might be like in a cartoon world up in my brain when I'm dealing with the reality of the about whoever is doing me wrong in my mind okay um again I know I've made this reference before but I think the movie if you have not seen it yet you must must must it's the movie um inside out the best it is such an accurate depiction in the child form of what

happens with our emotions and our memories just with our brain right in a very cartoonized simplified way and it's funny and it provides um you know just the sense of understanding compassion all of the things anyway it's a great movie if you haven't seen it watch it if it's been a while I suggest you go watch it again it's amazing um yeah so anger does not have to overtake you anger does not have to cause you to go into a down spiral of other negative emotions you can interrupt the model so to speak interrupt your thoughts and have a conversation with yourself about what you would you would like to feel is anger appropriate in the situation do I want to feel anger here if I do why and

when you're answering the why I want you to be coming from your higher thinking not from this The Crazies in the back of the bus okay we all have them I'm not calling you crazy but with like Authority a sense of authority and curiosity compassion to ask yourself okay why do I want to be angry realistically because when we feel anger we are the only ones that feel it they don't feel it the person that nobody feels it we do they may witness us acting in Anger they may witness the manifestations of our emotion of anger but nobody else is feeling it they're just watching you so when you realize that that it's like the anger that energy is going through your body it's

coursing through your veins and so is it something that you want to hold on to and if yes ask yourself why and to what extent how do I want to manage this do I want this to seep into other areas or do I want to just acknowledge that I'm angry about this and I'm going to be open to processing it when I'm ready you know like just allow it to be and not make it a big deal and have to go like bathe in it warm tepid bath of anger not fun so when you acknowledge it confront it that way I think it takes much of the sting out of it so that you don't just keep on rolling because it will it will sting and sting and you feel that you know that thing in your belly that happens

when you get angry it's like a mix between like anxiety and like and so for me anyway once I start to incorporate my PFC my prefrontal cortex and start asking the right questions to myself with the right tone things almost immediately sort of settle down in there for me most of the time I mean there are times where I'm like I'm angry and if that's the case then I just allow for it I just don't go act in Anger that's the thing it's like I would if I were you give yourself some time and do the breathing she my cat back there longer exhales than inhales and allow yourself to calm down before going and interacting with anybody else I know that you know this but it's

always a great reminder I know that you know this every I mean this is these days this is common knowledge but it's still we often need this reminder especially when we're right smack dab in the middle of anchor so um we all need to be talked down from a ledge from time to time myself included H yes for sure so yeah have a heart tohe heart with yourself ask yourself if you wanna if you really truly want to indulge in anger or if you want to even to have uh Harbor anger and if you do then create some boundaries for yourself and now when I say this I also to want to touch on before I am done creating a boundary for yourself is one thing like with for yourself with yourself right about these

emotions also we tend to many of us use compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism right we want to tuck it away and pretend it's not there just put it we're just going to put it to the side and what ends up happening is kind of what H what's been happening with me with this like Resurgence of anger because I did tuck it away way back when I have not really been able to readily access that anger in order to process it so now I have to sort of a knowledge it when it comes up on its terms because there's other stuff I think about it like that there's other stuff sort of packed on top of that and so in order to access it certain things little reminders have to come up you know different things can

sort of help it to poke out but it's just not as an efficient effective route to go you don't always have to process through it all at once as soon as you feel it but just acknowledging it and creating the space for it and not shoving it down right there is a there's a like a mental construct that you can create for yourself when old anger starts to resurface okay and so like if it's not the um appropriate time like if you're at work or if you're driving or if you're in a conversation with somebody that it doesn't apply to or whatever is the case right just not exactly the time you can create a space for it you can hold space for your own own emotion so that like now I can feel

anger and I can still go to the grocery store and behave nicely to the people that I interact with you know what I'm saying like I'm not like to everybody right or I don't have the scow on my face because I'm able to create and hold space for that anger mentally on the inside sort of organize it in such a way because I acknowledge it if I don't acknowledge it and I'm trying to shove it out the way or rush out of it then what's going to happen is it'll start to to rear its head uh at times that aren't so convenient for you right and you're it's going to be less predictable but when you take control over it right when you have authority over it then it does not

behave that way okay so hopefully that helps you in the case when you have some anger going on it is entirely normal obviously in our situation to feel this anger that you might be feeling okay and to just remind yourself that there's an effective way to manage it and then a not so effective way right you can bathe and bask in it luxuriate in it and when we are indulging in it in that way um we end up creating so much more of it it's like it starts to just like feed itself and that too the other down all to besides the repercussions that might happen in the way that you behave and stuffing it down and not being able to access it is that it's exhausting trying to hold that keep it

at Bay and not deal with it not acknowledge it not hold space for yourself is truly exhausting and I know that you know that because we've all done that before where we are feeding it and not managing it well it's like an emotional hangover you know what I'm talking about so doesn't have to be that way you can go get your hair done and feel a bunch of anger all at the same time okay that is entirely possible another one that I'm going to be doing um very shortly too is when they want to commiserate okay so I think that'll be a good one for the holidays because we get around you know family members and they want to talk about it and it's just we never end up leaving the situation uh

feeling very good yeah I'll talk about that then but I think that's either next week or the week after kind of relates to this one so anyway I will see you next week yall take care I'm going to go deal with this whole car thing now but's getting in the car and driving to Orlando and I got to get back for a member meeting tonight at 5:30 or 6:30 so I'm off to the races y'all take care thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply

them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyond the high road.com see you soon