Is Reunification Therapy A Scam? Making Empowered Decisions As An Alienated Parent

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 82 stay tuned welcome to Bey on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation hey y'all really quick I just wanted to make the announcement don't forget to sign up I'll leave the link down below but it's beyondthe High road.com SLB slash I forget I never know what to say there neutralize my pain and so the N the m and the p and that each word is capitalized in uh slug okay it's April 27th which is this Saturday at 100 p.m. eastern time okay see you there and so it's going to be about turning your pain into purpose oh and also I'm going to

foro this week's Facebook live like we're going to do the live event on Saturday in Li of the weekly Facebook live so you have to sign up to this event in order to get the zoom link okay all right I'm going to get on to the episode hey guys this is my third time of recording this episode today because because we just been a little hectic today so hopefully they times a charm um I wanted to talk with you guys today about a theme that I've noticed over this last week these are common challenges that we as Target parents of altion face I've noticed a lot of people talking about reunification therapy on this is I mean it's so common we see this all the time how it's a scam and

it's not working and the courts are just want to take your money there was that and then I was noticing parents who were sort of Frozen not making decisions because of their overwhelming fear of a possible outcome and so that's really where this came from and I'm going to start with the first example which is a former client of mine he finished this sessions we finished our time together just pretty recently but while he was with me he had been going back to court he hadn't seen his um youngest son in years no contact at all the mom had a protective order for a while there so they'd finally just gone to court and gotten ordered reunification therapy and

parenting time for Dad right which was a big yay this is all he was looking forward to from the time that he hired me was when we get there when we hopefully the judge orders this and yada yada yada everything will be fine and dandy and I think we've all been through this right we look to something if this happens then blah blah blah and we do this in the hopeful way and we do this also in the the shitty way like what if d right but we look to what might happen ahead and put all of our eggs in that basket if you guys have watched or listened to the Hope episode this is the one that would pair well with it it's that idealistic everything will be great when that thing up there happens

and then we get to up there and up there presents its own set of challenges and then it's always well maybe it'll be up there and so we're constantly on this Chase right the goalposts keep moving and we do that to our ourselves so this is all he wanted was for reation therapy and its parenting time to be ordered and he got here and now there is a new set of challenges that he's presented with and that is that his child has been coerced by the alienating parent his child has just recently voiced that he wants things to go back to how they were before the court order was put in place that he was only being made to do show up to the parenting time he's 11 years

old and that he prefers the other way and so as we do I think you know I was just mentioning this last week as alienated parents the one thing that we share is that we all crave and and really desire to be that source of grounding for our children right we know how much they've gone through and are going through and so really we don't want to make any waves we really just want to support them as best as we can even to the point where we will eliminate ourselves from the equation if that means peace for our children I get where he's coming from so there's the aspect of reunification therapy that he had going on he felt like he was just paying out $450 $500 a

session to this therapist that wasn't helping and so there was that and then also his child and him exercising his parenting time okay so I'm going to split those up I think so many of us have either both or one of these things going on that it deserves the specifics so yall know that I do not hand out advice really about anything but especially about what you choose to do pertaining to your relationship with your child right like whether you're continuing on if you are fighting the good fight dripping love or if you are actively trying to advocate for your child in court or you're not speaking to your child at all regardless my role here is to always help you to support you in you healing

yourself I still hold that true and I think how you look at and the expectations that you put upon all of these choices that you will make regarding your your your relationship with your child and what you're doing what you're not doing really does all contribute to your own mental health and your your healing process right so here's what I think about reification therapy are you ready um and I also I saw like posts this week three or four of them um Facebook posts I think they were all Facebook posts reunification therapy is crap it's a scam it's this it's that it's the court all they all just want your money and blah it doesn't work wow I do not feel that way I truly

believe that reunification therapy can be an amazing resource I think that it can assist parents and children in opening up those Pathways of connection again absolutely 100% now there are obviously going to be exceptions to that and also I think first and foremost it's very important to get clear with yourself about what your expectations are for the end like the last at the last session of reunification therapy what are you expecting in your mind are you expecting for everything to go right back to how it was hunky dory like alienation never happened we're closer than ever and we're arm in- arm wherever we go right if that's what you're expecting I mean let's face it the the

the title of this therapy is a little bit misleading it's suggesting that at the end of your treatment process that things will be back to normal yall will be reunified but it's not how it works and the outcome of the therapy relies on so many different contributing factors during the therapy right did you guys go how many sessions did you have what was the alienating parent doing during that time how much were they resisting the therapy did they make scheduling difficult are they leaning on your children before therapy happens after therapy happens this is all going to asset how your child shows up to it right so there's so many different factors that are out of your hands

completely that contribute to how s quote unquote successful or not that this process is going to be and those are just like the ones that are right off on top of my head how open you are during the the whole process how angry you are which is fine that you're angry but it's like are you going there ready to work or not so I think labeling reunification therapy across the board as a scam or as like another way that the courts are getting you I I don't think that that's fair however I will say that I it's my belief that reunification therapy is not successful most of the time because if it's not successful it's because of the efforts and Obsession on the alienating parents side that's

exactly what happened with me they were making scheduling really difficult the times that we did have in our therapy sessions were actually really amazing they have some really great tools and and exercises to sort of open up those Pathways of connection great little memory exercises to get the kids to dig up and uncover access the part of them that does truly love and appreciate you amazing exercises problem is is if you don't can't get the kid there then you're not going to have any outcome and so if they're making it difficult for scheduling then that's one thing also how far the appointments are spaced out this makes a huge difference too is that there's too much space in between them

then the kid's going to go right back to where they were and too little space and it's overwhelming you know yes the appointments are expensive no not all therapists are worth the amount that they charge I truly believe that there are some therapists out there that don't know what the they're doing I do and I also believe a more times than not the conditions that these therapists are given are not workable therapists are not Sorcerers right they're not superhuman if you are dealing with an obsessed alienating parent then they will sabotage any sort of progress they see happening that's where we run into the problems therapists cannot fix for that they cannot control the other parent

they can do whatever possible in creating um the best and most safe feeling atmosphere for your child to open up and access the parts of them that they've had under locking key as a result of the Loyalty conflict that they've been faced with so there's a safe space that they are able to show love to you but they cannot make the alienating parent change so that's really when the reification therapy fails also too my daughter was showing up and accusing the therapists of being on my side as if there were sides and then I was like oh I see how we're going here and so this is something that can happen for and I think this is a very common occurrence during the process if

they're starting to make progress then it is true that I think the kid will feel conflicted many times our children will ReDiscover the connection that they have with you and then will leave there feeling a little bit unsafe because they know that they cannot divulge their new found rediscovered love for you they have to keep that separate in compartment ized and so that can feel scary for the children to have to step in and out of those two different worlds because usually if reunification therapy is happening then obviously there's been a period of time a disconnect right and so that disconnect has likely been a relief on your child if I'm going to be frank about it it's less cognitive

dissonance they're not having to deal with the internal war of do I love my parent do I hate them do I love them do I hate them they're just on the one track I believe given the right therapist um there's some really great reunification therapists out there that it can be an amazing tool that works in tandem with all of the other tools that you choose right so it's not there's not one and all be all like magic alienation reverser out there that's where I think many of us as Target parents need to sort of temper our expectations become very clear on what it is we think that each one of the resources is going to provide for us I like to look at with anything that I'm talking about but

especially when you're talking about your your relationship like reconnecting with your child you have a a toolbox it's like a collaboration placing all of our eggs in one basket and saying well gosh I just hoping and praying that reunification therapy is going to stick is never going to be your answer it's too much responsibility and Power on this one thing and there's too many factors that are involved and can affect the outcome especially when we're talking about working with an alienated child and an alienating parent so I cannot tell you whether reation therapy is the smart thing for you to do but I will say that too often we want to look out at what could happen

or what soand so did or what didn't work for whoever El somebody else that they read about online when we rely too heavily on whatever outside of us we dull and silence our own wisdom our own inner voice that's always telling us what to do so long as we're opening ourselves up to hearing it okay so I think it's very important for you to trust that you truly do have your own answers and but when we run into this indecision confusion not knowing what to do so we feel Frozen and don't make any decisions or we make a crappy decision that we regret later that's usually because we're coming from a place of fear we're not having agency over ourselves and trusting that we know

what's best when we regret something things that have happened in our past most of the time I was trying to think about this earlier today anything I've regretted doing before I have regretted only because I wasn't standing in my power at the time I made whatever decision I made to do whatever it is I did the things that I regret doing all came from me acting from a place of fear or trying to protect myself or my daughter at the time and ended up not thinking clearly at the time when we're in fear when we trying to like avoid and go circumvent and go around we're rarely thinking clearly we're thinking with our emergency brain which shuts down the critical thinking I see so many of us

that don't know what to do we end up Frozen in indecision and confusion there was a post that I was reading earlier today on Facebook that is like I just worry about what the judge might think about what my kid could say to the judge in years from now whatever it was right and I know that many of you out there myself included had this very same thought what is the judge going to think what if they do allow my kid to have a voice is my kid going to say that they want to live with the alienating parent and is that going to weigh on the judge's mind is the judge going to look at me different all of those things right you cannot control that regardless you can't and if you focus and worry on

that alone it will keep you completely debilitated back to my client for the other thing he was worried about and I know that many this is a very common thing for us as Target parents the idea was that maybe he by exercising his parenting time that he was putting his son through too much that he was contributing to the pressure that his son might be feeling I know we all have gone through or had very similar thoughts to this and you want to save them the suffering the pressure you don't want to be another source of contention or obligation for them when they're already going through so much and again I'm not going to hand out any blanket advice on this but I will say

this in the case with my client he was thinking about bowing out maybe he was being selfish I'm kind of paraphrasing what he said and probably just assuming some other Stu I told him that regardless he was basing his decision to parent his child on the way that somebody else was behaving in his son's life and so basically he's enabling he's acting as the enabler to the alienating parent does that make sense like because of whatever somebody else is doing now he's having to try to act not act go around and save his child the pain that his child is going to be feeling anyway because as we know alienating parents are typically of some sort of disordered personality type

right and will manipulate those around them to serve them in the way that they feel that they need to be served so if it's not about the target parent it's going to be about something else this child is going to be feeling pressure regardless and I don't mean to sound so la of days about that or so matter of fact about that but it is the reality of what's happening so I was telling my former client he can either be a father in his child's life and separately his son feels pressure from the alienating parent or he can choose to not be a father in his son's life and his son will still feel pressure from the alienating parent either way the kids going to feel the pressure removing

himself from the situation isn't going to change the fact that Mom or alienating parent is manipulating coercing pressuring him in order to serve her own needs she's going to do how she do it's not going to change so now in the end do you want to find ways create ways to be present in your child's life or not this gentleman my client he is blessed with opportunities to be able to exercise his parenting time and I know for him that is what he truly wants right now some parents out there I know are not open to going back in that and that is fine for you I don't think that there is a right choice or a wrong choice here but I think for each of us for each of you just do yourself the

favor of asking the high quality questions so that you can come to the high quality answer that's what so many of us of you you're coming from a place of fiercely or fear and so you're trying to do damage control instead of coming from a place of empowerment and advocating and doing the most loving thing for everybody involved if you act coming from your higher thinking and more focus on who you want to be how you want to show up at each and every Crossroad as opposed to how they might react in the end because of whatever decision you make when you try to be strategic like that you'll notice that you're constantly like on edge and feeling like you have to manipulate the

situation in order to work to your benefit and you will never be happy you will always be on a chase it is the one of the worst feelings in the world to feel like you're constantly having to like check the wind to see which way you go which decision you make parents like us because there's so much stress we freeze and we don't make any decisions from that place and that can really with us because then we end up feeling like stuck broken we don't trust the decisions that we do make and so it it creates this whole other Dynamic within ourselves we feel like we're not equipped to make the best decision possible we start looking outside of ourselves to other people to make our

decisions for us when we really truly are the only ones who actually know what's best for our situations nobody else knows it better than you you are the expert in your life you hear me say that all the time but I truly mean it and when we're basing our decisions on what we think we want an outcome to be in the end I think we oftentimes will sell ourselves short because we're working so hard to create this one outcome and what if something better comes along what if you can't even think about how amazing something could turn out if you were just patient with it you just never know now that isn't to say that you don't set goals because goal setting is 100% worth it and a smart

thing to do but that's a whole different episode and I think I shared my feelings on that with you goal setting is about really who you become in the choices that you make in the process to attaining said goal attaining the goal in the end is just whatever it's the way that that goal pushes you to think and act outside of your comfort zone while you're on your way to it so anyway my my point of this whole episode is number one one trust that you do know what's best for you and that if you're acting from a place of fear or if you're acting in reaction to something and trying to protect yourself out of desperation or urgency the chances of you regretting that decision later are high you know

but when you are asking yourself high quality questions about options you have in front of you and are you even considering all the options are there other options make sure the question you're asking are are worthy of you you know how are you feeling are you feeling Rush are you trying to avoid something are you trying to manipulate somebody else or the actions that somebody else takes are you doing it in order like um what I mean is is not not that you're doing it in a Sinister way but are you acting in like Fawn mode and doing things in order to appease and so that it might make a more desirable outcome for you and if that's the case then let me just tell you that you will get to

that place and you won't the outcome will not mean to you so instead of basing whether or not something is a successful Venture whether that's reunification therapy or deciding to show up at your daughter or son's graduation this year are you making that decision coming from like your highest place are you not wanting to go because you don't want to make waves for your kiddo and that case I would offer that you reconsider and ask yourself some better questions because later on down the road that's one of those decisions that you might regret if the only reason that you're choosing to not go to to graduation is so that you Sav them the possibility of pressure or

feeling uncomfortable again every situation is different right but when you're making that decision based on trying to avoid an emotion for yourself or for somebody else then I would just urge you to to uplevel because you want to be always look back on your life and the choices that you made knowing that you acted as the most courageous that the decisions you made you made considering all the options and were made from a mindful place when you look back on any decision you've made in the past and you were considering everything everybody involved then I guarantee you those decision ision that you made from that higher thinking place there's no regrets there even if there were adverse

consequences afterwards because you have learned something in the process and there will be mistakes but those were just things that you learn from then they're not regret worthy when you're doing your literal best in the moment and being Mindful and taking all the things into consideration then how can you kick yourself so it's just a matter of coming from a place of empowerment or not and if you're scared of what the judge might say of what your ex or your kid how they might react if you live your life trying to get in the heads of all the other people you will miss out on the life that you are supposed to live for you okay so that's what I have for you okay you guys April 27th which is

this Saturday is the live event it's an hour and a half I have it set for an hour and a half you have to register though because if not you won't be able to get the zoom um link to your mailbox in order to go okay so if you want to attend then go register now it is be on the high road.com neutralize my pain the N the M and the P are capitalized I didn't think that that would make a difference but I tested it the other day and it sure as heck does so capital N neutralize capital M my capital P P so time for that for this weekend April 27th at 100 PM eastern daylight time and that is all thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd

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