Overcome Loneliness: A Guide to Feel Supported & Abundant for Alienated Parents

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 170 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation I'm your host Shelby mford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned hello today is if you're listening to this in the week that it was released it is the last week of 2024 what I want to talk about is essentially creating abundance in your life today really focusing on what you want to create but really not

necessarily focusing on what you want because you're lacking it but instead focusing on your abundance today because you're cre creating today does that make sense starting like immediately like right now you can start feeling more the halves than the Have Nots I'm purposefully am recording this during this holiday period right a few days before Christmas for those of you who celebrate it and then of course this is a setup for next week's episode going into the new year this is something that I know y'all will be concentrating on if you are used to celebrating the holidays with your children or are still hurting about the fact that you're not celebrating if you're hurting right now

and it doesn't even have to be around Christmas could be any holiday I think as alienated parents one thing that we all wish that we could have back are our kids under our roof or at least calling us us calling them being allowed to call them having any sort of text conversation even right that's me I mean I would take anything over the silence but right now the silence is what I got most of us are especially in the beginning wanting things to be different wishing that things would have panned out in a different way that the events would have taken a turn at some point that you would have done something different that they would have done something different or not done whatever

we're spend a lot of our time fighting reality and as you've heard me say many many times over is that when we are with reality and I got this from Byron ktie we lose but 100% of the time and it is true when we're focusing on what should have happened which should be right now we cheat ourselves out of all of the ways that we can appreciate or at least even just be in the now it debilitates us in our present many of us and just the way that grief in our brain works when we've gone through through great loss in our lives not insinuating that we've lost our children but there is that ambiguous loss that's there right when we've lost something that's important to us of course the brain is

going to focus on that loss because it's got encoded expectations about what is supposed to happen the routines and rituals that you even the routines and rituals in you're thinking on a daily basis now because that person or whatever it is that you are believing that you've lost isn't there it's like you get a little hitch in your getal you know and so the brain will keep sort of like if there's a skip in a record like a scratch on a record it'll just keep going back over to try to fill in that loss the scratch and the record so that it can keep its usual routine its habits in your mind if we replace the missing pieces that is what will restore your feeling of Safety and Security so it's

entirely understandable that this happened I think that those of you going through it just brand new maybe you just recently got separated I do believe that there is a period of time that you need to be in that active really active form of grief I don't think it's always beneficial for you to jump into the healing sort of thoughts right to move forward right not only with your life and away from your kids but move forward and out of the pain that you're currently experiencing the pain is part of your prescription if you will and I'm sure you've heard me say if you've been listening to these episodes for anytime that the pain is nothing to solve it's there to communicate with you and it's

there to teach you things right you're supposed to be experiencing exactly what you're experiencing especially in the beginning of the loss because if you switch out of the feelings too soon then you're going to have to go back and uncover everything that you buffered away and and relive through it and many people do this like in breakups they break up with somebody and they immediately like the serial monogamist for me never really did it with relationships but I did do it with animals and this is the first time that I haven't done it this whole like last few years was need done and pepper normally in back in the old days I would have immediately replaced an animal like

I used to say fur in fur out like one in one out anytime that anybody left the household I would gain another one in that way I never sat still long enough to experience whatever grease I needed to experience for losing that pet it was a compulsion like Obsession for me to just keep getting more animals because if I had more fur in my life than I had less time to think about me and why I was doing the things I was doing because I was too busy giving my attention out you know anyway so if you don't experience your grief for what it is now then you're going to end up having to uncover it and that's what I had to do with it's not a problem but it is what it is so anyway the grief is there for a

reason if it's been a while and you'll know if it's time for you to start processing and moving past the not past the grief but past the suffering of alienation and that's really what I'm getting to today it's really important for you to start being not focusing on what you don't have but instead start being and creating what it is you think that you're lacking today for example so for me to stop feeling lonely back in the day and I was like desperately lonely for especially right after all of the strategies really started coming out hard and the I was noticing the effects of alienation you know on M and my daughter's relationship before she even left the house maybe a couple years

before she even left it would just became more painful she was still being loving to me but anyway they were just signs you guys get it right and so the time that she was away from me at her dad's for the weekend or whatever I would experience a lot more loneliness than I had previously I felt like I was powerless like I was just going to be destined to be lonely and all the things and it was really really painful in order for me to get out of the extreme like debilitating loneliness that I was feeling I needed to stop actually focusing on the loss and how other people were screwing up my life and how that everything was out of my hands and instead I needed to focus on who I was

becoming and how I wasn't already lonely which was really difficult because at the time I really thought that there was no other way to see it but the fact that I look at I'm alone on Christmas and I have this husband but he's out partying like he does and my story was husbands shouldn't do this ex-husbands shouldn't alienate and daughters should always be home with their moms on Christmas that was my story no matter what I did I couldn't see past those quote unquote truths until I learned how to manage my mind before that before I learned the work that I teach you guys and the work that I really teach my clients is that I read all these books these self- Health

books but I read them looking for information on how to set boundaries in order to manipulate the other people to do what I needed them to do so that I could not feel the discomfort I was feeling so I was never I mean I was trying to look inside but I really thought that if the things outside of me changed then everything would be better I actually did manage to change some of those outside things but here's the thing is I still felt those awful uncomfortable feelings even when I changed the external so I realized that the external was not what I needed to change didn't happen like I didn't like light bulb oh it's not the external that I needed to change it took some work you

know but so I started to focus though on who I was becoming and what I can supply to myself and I know that I talk with you guys a lot about this like you whatever you're looking for from somebody else you supply that to yourself and then you never have to need outward and that's pretty much what I'm talking about here but I want to take it like a step further is that if you are I'm using the loneliness because I know a lot of people feel this because we're isolated from our family and our friends and our lives right and our children for sake right so it makes sense that loneliness is where your brain would go is I am alone therefore I'm lonely but actually it's not the case at all the

only way that you can feel lonely like actually feel lonely is if you are believing for yourself that you are truly alone and science already proves that that will can never ever ever be the case I put out a post on Father's Day I don't know if it was this year or last year but the post was talking about quantum entanglement and if you don't know what that is Google it but the post I put I'm going to read it to you was according to quantum physics a particle vibrating due to the sound that you make when you speak can affect a particle inside of a star at the edge of the universe instantly doesn't take light years to get there instantly this is known as quantum entanglement the greatest

illusion of this universe is the illusion of Separation which to me is very comforting when we're talking better children it brings me a great sense of Peace because we are all electricity you are never alone ever alone nor am I and not only because you're just because our energies are all connected but also too you know how many other parents are out there that have felt very similar one thing about alienation is that we when we first start going through it we feel like we're the only ones on the earth that could have ever experienced what we're experiencing because it's so next level Twilight Zone you know it's like this is crazy nobody has probably ever

experienced this I'm all alone like you feel like you're sending for yourself and that really it extends all the way into people going prosay right in court without having the tools to manage our minds it is a very lonely road and back then I was so lonely I told myself I was already alone and so I moved out to The Boondocks to live like a hermit I think I needed that I actually truly believe today and I knew it then I think there were healthier alternatives for me but I also needed it so I don't know how you want to judge that it doesn't really matter but I manifested more aloneness in my life you right now you are manifesting I am manifesting people always are like I don't know how to

manifest you are a freaking ace at manifesting because you've been doing it your whole life manifesting is just creating your everyday reality based on what you already believe that you're capable of what you're already believe that you're worthy of and you do it every day all the time every relationship every exchange that you have with somebody your look around you you have manifested everywhere that you are and everywhere that you've been and you will continue to man manifest everything that is in your future now you've manifested it thus far I mean I'm supposing here thus far it's been more on the unconscious level just because you have picked up beliefs along the way

not even realizing some of those worthy some of those maybe not from such a worthy place right and so if you're feeling unlovable and unworthy and even if when I say this I feel like it's going to single out a percentage of the listeners right now I never knew that I thought that I was unworthy back then I had a really high opinion of myself so I just I want to put that out there that you may not always know that you have thoughts about you that are of the Unworthy incapable unlovable type and I'm not saying that those have to be true for you but I will say that for me it was there was a lot of contradiction I told myself that I knew myself and that this is who I was and all those

things and I'm not saying I didn't but I also had a lot of unworthy beliefs about myself that I had no idea that I was thinking on the regular every day you know how I know that I was thinking those thoughts I know for 100% is because of the results I created in my my life the results were the absolute proof of those thoughts that were flying underneath the radar that told me told the world without me really realizing it that I was unworthy that I was unlovable that I was not capable so in order to start manifesting on purpose you have to focus on what you do want but not from a place of lack okay you want to come at it from a place of already like of abundance and already creating so the

easiest way I can articulate this is is takeen away from alienation for a second back when I had just started managing my mind I also I think I told you guys I used to smoke like a ton well so much and I used was a closet smoker too because I was in the fitness field and it was just a big contradiction in itself and I wanted to quote unquote quit but I also didn't want to quote unquote quit so instead what I did is instead of like going called turkey and being like I'm quitting on such and such day cuz I didn't you'll find out next week that I've never really believed so much in resolutions now I'm coming around to a little bit more but back then especially didn't really love the

whole I'm proclaiming I'm putting because I can tell you now that it was I was just scared that I would fail right so what I did instead and this is way better plan it was way more successful because it worked for me and I've never gone back is I just became a person that didn't smoke day after day I was becoming the Shelby that didn't smoke I started thinking like a person that didn't smoke talking like a person that didn't smoke not saying like I am going to be quitting or I am quitting I am a person that doesn't smoke the more that I became that version of me that didn't smoke the less I actually smoked so I to this day could never tell you when I quit but I have no idea when I quit

smoking I know I let go of it some years ago seriously I have no idea because it came so naturally to me over time because I really put the work in to become the person that didn't do it right so it's like I looked at my life even though I wasn't there yet when I was still smoking like a lot at that time I was smoking ecigarettes I was like oh so I can actually like dress rehearsal this right like put the costume on and practice this and become that before I actually go out and perform on stage do you know what I'm saying like I can just do all of the work ahead of time and see what it feels like and then in doing that become that person and and that's exactly what I did

I let go of smoking and didn't think about all the ways that not smoking sucked or about how oh my gosh I'm going through this withdrawal right now and I really just want to puff of a cigarette or Puff of a cigarette I didn't really go through any of that because I was focused on the Shelby that didn't smoke I wasn't focusing on the lap I was focusing on everything I was gaining and so in that I gained this whole new person that didn't smoke and doesn't even think about smoking now like ever ever you know but it happened so gradually that it became ingrained in me and I did the same thing with loneliness there was a point in time when I was aching right my gut was wrenching in

pain because I felt so lonely alone without my kiddo ared right I had this story that Mom shouldn't be alone daughters should always live with their moms and that's what I was focused on and so it created a really ugly reality for me it created this whole lack loss shamey reality so instead of focusing on my loss I'm just going to accept this for face value and I'm going to find all the ways that this is for me right not trick myself into believing it but but this is the story how can I make this story like one of abundance right one of growth just because society says and all the stories that have been written say that moms and daughters are supposed to live together and this is the way it's

supposed to go doesn't mean that that's how every story should go and that's the only way they should go in order for everybody to be happy or for everybody to be you know for things to turn out quote unquote as they should who is to say that who is to say that my story isn't going to turn out to be like the model one day you just never know so why not live into my story instead of the idealized romanticized story and that way at least there's no downside for me like what's the downside to believing in the good of this story that there is a good outcome and what is the upside to believing that it shouldn't be this way and Christmas is should be spent only with our kids and kids should call on

Christmas or Mother's Day or birthdays or whatever what is the upside to thinking that way the only benefit that I can think of ever getting out of that no there's no benefit there's not not even that it pushes you to change situation because even that when you're trying to change your externals in order to change the internals you're constantly having to change on the outside it doesn't work so in order to change my loneliness like today I don't feel alone in an empty house I have spent Christmas after Christmas I've spent all the holidays alone and never feeling lonely I always feel a sense of belonging because I believe that I belong and I know that my energy is

connected to so much more than just me I'm not cut off from anything here and I of course I also enjoy love spending time with people and my loved ones and I would love it even more if my daughter called but I'm not going to base my well-being on whether she calls or not that's only going to set me up for failure and possibly her up for failure too I'm not going to be able to change how she behaves but I can change the way that I'm viewing everything and I cannot it's impossible for me to be lonely to feel lonely if I don't think that this is lonely like that this situation is lonely if I feel supported and that sense of belonging then that's what my body chemistry is going to respond to

right my belief about what is happening with me it's really all about your perception it's not about the external circumstances and who's surrounding you you know but that's what we're all taught we're taught like if you're feeling lonely go surround yourself with people and I'm not saying you know I preach about all the time that we are communal preachers the more that we can be around people and uh Fellowship the better off that you are but if I was to call my dad right now and be like Dad I'm lonely he'd be like well go get around people he would give me a whole speech about the fact that I probably spend too much time alone and I should be around people and he that come over

to his house or whatever that would be his answer that's most people's answers oh well if you feel alone go find other people and you won't be alone then you and I both know this really well that it definitely doesn't always change how we're feeling internally right you can be surrounded in a room of people and feel almost more alone on occasion if you feel like you're not supported or they're not sharing your views or don't understand you and I have been there a lot I'm assuming going through what we have that other people don't understand us family doesn't understand what we're going through so more than ever developing the skill of manifesting your reality for yourself believing that

you're not alone and that you're connected that you're supported all of those things it happens internally you can change all the circumstances have kids call you not call you do all the things it's not going to change whether or not you feel different unless you believe I heard the comparison the other day that if you are shaving and you cut yourself and you're looking at yourself in the mirror if you went and got a Band-Aid and put the Band-Aid on the place where your cut was on the mirror it's going to do nothing for your cut because fixing external will never cause the change that you're looking for inside you have to change the way that you're thinking no matter what the

circumstances are this is not just like a something to say to make you think productively it's actually true you don't have to change a thing outside of you in order to create what you want inside your brain and then those you create the results that actually are tangible in front of you so instead of wanting your kid to call you not that you don't want that of course I want that too but putting my energy into that when thus far it hasn't happened and I don't expect it to happen nor do I want to expect it to happen she will call if and when she's ready putting my eggs in that basket and then being sad about the fact that she didn't call like shocked about it on Christmas night you know

waiting the whole day for a call knowing that already she didn't call last year she didn't call the year before that would be self-inflicted pain but I see a lot of parents doing this so many parents I talk to are like Oh Christmas came and went nobody called me no of course they didn't call me again but why are you expecting that why are you wanting them to change when they already historically haven't in order for you to feel however you want to feel it's like you can't actually change other people's experience of you or of the world you can't think their thoughts for them so what why are you going to let that affect you and today in the way that like you're putting all your energy and

time and investing in expectations of things to change if that's not how it's gone thus far and anyway even if it's been that way thus far having that be your expectation is a risky unreliable method to get you where you want to go it's out of your hands of course you're going to be disappointed because even if they do do the thing that you want them to do they're probably not going to do it in the way that you wanted them to do it basing your happiness and your fulfillment on somebody else's actions or non-actions is like putting the Band-Aid on the mirror and then checking your actual cut on the red and wondering why it's not healing focus on what you can do how you can feel fulfilled how

you can fulfill your own life knowing and acknowledging that emotions are nothing to solve for and that allowing the emotions of grief even on the holidays through the holiday holay you are also inviting in all of the positive ones all of the yummy feeling emotions too so become instead of focusing on what is missing focus on what you're creating focus on who you're becoming and what it is you want not from a place of lack but from a place of abundance how do you want to be and be that today continue to believe work on and if you don't believe that you can be that today or up there then that's where you have to look and start questioning your beliefs about you why don't you believe

that you can do ABC clearly if you've got the ability to think it to imagine it it is a possibility for you whatever barriers you're telling yourself are in your way that you need to start questioning those because that's the problem it's your thoughts about the barriers and that there even are barriers that's your barrier and the good news is is that is so easy in the big scheme of things to overcome it's just a matter of you questioning all of the unhealthful beliefs right the beliefs telling you that you can't do it you can do it but if you're looking to your past to determine what you can do in your future you will continue to create what you've already had okay you

have to be willing to believe that since you've already manifested your past and your present that you can also manifest everything that you want in your future okay you can you already have this is a no-brain you will attract no more or no less than what you already believe about yourself okay and that is really good news because that means that all you need to do is step by step day by day just start upping your frequency upping the beliefs questioning the the unhelpful beliefs that you have about yourself and start upping and and evolving your desired beliefs okay all right guys have a lovely lovely holiday if you guys celebrate Christmas have a lovely

Christmas have a lovely rest of your the holiday time period and happy New Year I will be putting out um an episode next Wednesday too on New Year's Day so I'll see you next week oh and you guys there's this is the last week um the 31st at midnight is the last this is your last chance to buy the the the two specials right the three pack the stocking stuffer of three which isn't just the stocking stuffer of three you're actually getting whole month custom actually it could be really you could use it for three months really because that's it's a 90day 90 days for a habit so it's a basically a three months of uh worksheets daily worksheets for you to step into new beliefs about

yourself okay so this is exactly actually just so happens to be exactly what we're talking about today so if you want to start if you've been at that cus teetering of like really feeling the pain of the old beliefs holding you back and not be being able able to get to that new job or that new goal or whatever it is that you want to get out of and you're kind of you're pretty miserable here but you know the only thing that's holding you back is your mind like you're on board with that then this little three pack will give you a really really really good start Head Start into achieving what you want to achieve right and um with worksheets especially Made For You by me and

basically you too because we're going to be talking about this stuff together okay so there's that and there's also the 15 pack you get um six strategy sessions and nine other sessions again it's never about the sessions the time that you have with me it is in the in the way that you are getting experience and help with your realized live situations right and we're talking about your how to apply the concepts to the exact and that's exactly here's the thing you guys this podcast everything that I talk about is all fine and dandy and these I promise you that these tools work and I think that you guys know that or else you wouldn't still be listening to these episodes right but the key the

kicker for all of these Concepts that I teach about here is that you have to apply them in like this very spec very specific way where we're picking apart every each and every thought that goes on in your mind with your specific situations in your life and there is a method that I use called called a thought model um to apply to each and every one of these thoughts so that you can start changing your thoughts and beliefs um in into the thoughts and beliefs that you've chosen pre-chosen right that we talk about so that's why the coaching is so beneficial to your healing and I do have um coming up very soon in the next month I think will be at least one interview that I have with

one of my now former clients who just graduated my program so um one and probably two or three more interviews over the you know the next year or so that I'm going to be putting out for you guys with other clients too so that you guys can see what I'm talking about when um I'm talking about you know what what coaching actually this kind of coaching for your situation actually does for your life okay then I'm G to go have a lovely lovely holiday and I'll talk to you on New Year's Day bye thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for

bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next week