The Injustices of Alienation: Don't Let 'Em Get The Best Of You

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 75 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation I'm your host Shelby mford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned hey real quick I have a survey for you guys and it's super quick it's three questions and two of them are multiple choice or like choose as many as you want and then one of them is you writing in like a couple couple word answer so

it's just to I want to get your opinion about you personally what you feel like you're missing in your life and in this journey to Healing yourself following the trauma enduring the grief of alienation I'm going to put a link for you down below but it's just beyond the high road.com and then go up to the click on the podcast Tab and then just click into any one of the episodes and it'll be below the episode info just scroll down to the bottom and it's there on every page like I said it's just a quickie couple few questions and that way I hear you and understand where you're coming from and what it is that you desire and if you want to write any more things in that question that I give

you the multiple whatever you can write whatever you want or you can just click a submit a form and send me an email either way but anyway all right on to the episode oh and this Friday live in the private Facebook group noon Eastern Standard Time okay bye hey guys how you doing today it is a gorgeous day here in South Florida and I have been doing a bunch of yard work lately Xfinity is still on their whole enhancing the network thing today I want to talk with you guys about letting it get the best of you and really essentially ultimately not letting it get the best of you but I want to start with a story of when I let it get the best of me I don't think about this story very much anymore in

fact I really don't think about any of the stories anymore because cuz I don't they're really not part of my story I don't choose to have them make up my identity today but for a long time I carried a lot of Shame about this and a lot of other stories so if you're in that place where this kind of stuff is sensitive just know I am going to be mentioning a trip to jail in this episode coming up here in just a minute and so if you think that you're going to feel activated then maybe come back to this one later but it's not it's not going to be crazy but I just wanted to mentioned that in the beginning because I know how triggering this kind of subject matter can be when you're just

starting your healing Journey so here goes I was messaging one of the listeners last night about this I've been relatively nostalgic lately and I believe it has everything to do with what just happened with me and my daughter or what I guess really what hasn't happened with me and my daughter and what looks to be for the foreseeable future the rest of her High School Years anyway I think that that's probably it I remember when I was pregnant with her this is just coming up when I was pregnant with her I got so like I'm going to get teary eyed thinking about it I don't know where I mean I know where this is coming from but I this is was not planned I remember being so

nostalgic when she was in my belly from early on first trimester really I knew that I was pregnant with her like days afterwards I just knew it and then throughout I just had this very clearheaded nostalgic like if I would pass signs on the highway you know Billboards on the highway if I smell to smell specific shades of color all reminded me of my childhood and I found a lot of clarity about my own life and my own upbringing while I was and it was not intentional that is for sure while I was pregnant with her but anyway now it seems like I just said that I was experiencing this and it kind of feels like you know it's on the opposite end of that right like when if you didn't

catch that episode her father had emailed the supervisor and said that my daughter was not going to be making time in her schedule basically for any more time with me and that I we could try again when she's 18 so random little stories yesterday I was in um wasn't Home Depot I was in Lowe's and I was walking around doing this little diddy that my daughter made up when she was like four or five when we were playing Rock Band and she had this drum her job was the drums right and so she had this little diddy that she did and then she would go around the house after that for years after that doing this little cute little whatever I'm not going to do it for you right now

but super adorable and I find myself B booing through the house doing that little diddy of hers or other ones she did these really cute she had the sweetest little angel voice and she was singing which what kids don't you know what I'm saying but I just remember hers being so sweet anyway my point is is that I've been finding myself like just those kinds of memories coming to me often often and different ones too ones that I hadn't thought about a long time I've been having um I'm not usually one that I have wacky dreams but I never really read into them too much I mean I don't often really remember all the details of them I know that our dreams I am fairly

certain that our dreams come from the subconscious thoughts that are going on in our head and at night when we go to sleep when we go into our Dream sleep our body is and our subconscious is Letting Go and working things out repairing itself literally physically and mentally all everything else shuts down I don't know if if I've shared this with you guys I just love this fact because I think it's freaking amazing I learned it because one time I was at band camp I went to a neurologist when I was all that sickness was going on and she also did this whole sleep thing with me and she said do you ever wake up and feel like you're paralyzed like you can't move and I'm like yeah doesn't

everybody like I just thought that that was like a thing and she was like yeah no I mean it is a thing but it's not a common thing because you've woken up in the middle of a repair cycle basically everybody does this not the waking up part but during that time of your sleep you go into your Slumber and in order to clean everything out repair what needs to be this is every night your brain will shut down from your neck downwards it paralyzes you every night every night your brain will paralyze your body so as to do a like a cleaning right it's like all the workers come out paralyze you and clean through your body which I think is just fascinating so you're

normally not to wake up during that time because there's an easing out of it sort of if you've ever been if you're a diver you know like a a deep sea diver you know you can't Ascend deep water going going straight up to the surface of the water from let's say 100 ft or so not only not be able to equalize but it will [ __ ] you up right you will uh get really sick the pressure is too much it's it's a lot right sort of the same thing with sleep like normally your body is set up so that it doesn't just wake up without having that gradual humming out of and so when you do just this little side note if you do wake up ever and you feel like you're paralyzed and you can't move

your arms and legs you might have a little bit of a sleep disorder nothing to alarm you it's not a huge deal but you ever wondered why that happens to you there you have it anyway now I can't remember why I explained that I think it was because I was talking about that I was having dreams about my daughter you know lots of them odd ones oh yeah I was talking about how our subconscious is working those things out I've never really put too much thought or taken my dreams seriously and nor am I now but I know that so many of my clients find these dreams disturbing some of you read into these dreams and it must mean something and there's signs of what's to come I'm not denying that that could

possibly be true I tend to not think that there's any upside it might end up doing more damage than good because you're you're distracted and then always looking for that sign to come true I just choose to believe that dreams happen and are there as a way of working out our emotional thoughts that go on behind the scenes when you're not even consciously with your Forefront of your mind thinking about them they're just fragments of Unfinished thoughts that are back there and so when we're sleeping we work that out so I've been having a lot of nostalgia lately just went off on the tangent one of the the dreams that I had more recently ly and then some other memories um awake

memories came together to remind me of a dark time you guys have heard bits and pieces of my story over the last year and a half and I know that I shared with you guys about when my daughter's father scheduled this elective surgery without letting me know behind my back and I stopped the surgery and as a result he turned around and began a lawsuit to modify the custody situation and that lawsuit ended up resulting in me basically losing custody and losing my medical say in my daughter's life and that was a huge slap in the face especially because I went out on a limb and went against everything that I wanted to do inside of me in order to protect her when I stopped the surgery

right I knew I was getting into a world of [ __ ] when I did it I knew was going to piss him off I didn't want to do it but at the same time I had to stand up for what I believed in and so I did it knowing in the back of my mind that I was going to start World War III and I did just that fast forward I get the years and times all mixed up because there was so much that happened I'm sure you guys can relate to that but fast forward maybe six months or so final order happens I leave court I am in shock I talk to my father on the he's the first person he was like how did that thinking things were going to be fine and I gave him the news that I lost and he was appalled right he couldn't

understand it he couldn't comprehend and and his reaction was pretty much anybody else's reaction that I knew at that time it made sense to nobody not only were my basic rights taken away if you will I mean we still have joint custody but as far as who had the right to domicile and all the the decision-making rights went got transferred over to him that's a whole another story that whole lawsuit and what happened and the judge that we had it's not not for now but there was a stepup plan that was supposed to be in action the order was written like [ __ ] and so of course this stepup plan was it was unattainable there's no way that I could have done it although I still kept

on it for a while what was like not even being k when you're down but it was like a somebody putting a cigarette out on your forehead when you're down was that I was ordered to pay child support now I'm sure you've heard if you've been listening to the show for a little while then you have heard me talk about the financial situation of my ex my daughter's father and the financial situation of me I was not doing bad at one point I I built a home and then I ended up having to sell that home to live and to hire a new attorney to go and appeal this ruling that just happened so within a year's time of getting that final order I sold my home moved into a rental in between the house

and the hill and selling my home and I was struggling to pay this child support my ex it's well known that my ex made and we just finished doing Discovery for that case was at the time making 4 4 50 a year on paper without the bonuses factored in plus he was a trust fund baby and at age 40 his trust had matured so he could access all the money that was in his trust he was not hurting for money he is not hurting for money me on the other hand I had to sell this home that I loved so much that I built for my daughter and I then that money went to all of my debt and paying the the the mortgage back because I only own the house for a few years and paying my attorney paying all of the back bills

for all of the legal problems that were caused over the years due to this situation of alienation I was way over my head in financial debt as a result of all this so the fact that Not only was were my rights to actively participate in my daughter's life taken away but on top of that it was a [ __ ] you you're going to pay for it financially too you're going to pay every month mind you it was probably not as much as some of you out there pay I was still paying I was ordered to pay 320 a month still it's the same today that was a lot for me at the time especially because I don't know if then I was on food stamps but I was really struggling to make ends me and I knew that on the other side of

things that my ET and his uh my daughter's stepmom were doing just fine their family they were fine they were going on vacations two vacations a year they drove the Range Rover and the BMW things were going fine in the world and so when I was struggling to rub two pennies together come up with the money to pay for my daughter who at the time I knew that that money the money that I paid wasn't going to my daughter right it was [ __ ] you it was a probably this is what I used to think of the time is that that credit card you know with the funds on it was given to the Stepmom to go buy lunch or go to the spa or go get her nails done once a month it was money that was basically just being thrown

away and I could have used that money I was really really hurting $300 at that time per month would have helped me out tremendously and I knew that they knew that we did Discovery they knew what the financial situation was like not that I think that they need to take care of me but on the other hand I also knew that it was their plan to financially break me down anyway so the order to pay child support was in Fall the fall of 2017 if I'm doing this right by the end of 2018 summer I sold the home and in the fall of 2018 I was summoned I received a summons from the court from the AG's office I was being sued for being in a rear less than I think it was around $1,200 that I

was behind in child support and because I was so angry about the fact that I was ordered to pay child support and it was injust it was wrong this is crazy you don't understand what they're doing there were definitely months where I rebelled against it and said [ __ ] you I'm not paying I can't pay and then I would justify my not paying it I entertained and lived in lived into the injustices being done that the judge was wrong that that the the whole network of people that were involved in order to make this plight of alienation successful I was so angry at all of the players involved right I was so angry I felt so ganged up on bullied and so wronged singled out I couldn't believe

that people would knowingly not only take away the rights of a present loving and capable mom but on top of that then make her pay the trust fund baby who is doing all of this who is orchestrating all of this this is the language and the the mindset that I lived in on the regag all day long 24/7 from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep probably during my sleep and then each time that somebody I didn't speak about it that much but the people close in my life that did know and did learn about the fact that I was having to pay child support each time which was every time that I heard somebody tell me how terrible this was and how unbelievable appalling it was that I was the one

being ordered to pay knowing my ex's situation I used that as evidence to support my stance and not paying I told myself it was okay not to pay because this was wrong they're the ones that are wrong how can they not see the fact that I'm the one that's suffering over here they are the ones that started all of this I wouldn't be in the [ __ ] I'm in if they weren't harassing me following me having me followed hiring pis spreading rumors all of the things that I lived in on the daily basis that I thought that I couldn't get away from in my mind how can I get out of thinking about this stuff when all it does is surround me just when I think I've gotten over one

thing one of the symptoms of them just when I've made it through and overcome that they do something something else to stand in front of me and cause me to fall or trip up they contact the AG's office and pursue and pursue and insist on having the AG's office file a suit against me when it wasn't the AG's office it was the District Attorney's Office criminal charges saying that I burglarized their house you know it was one thing after another I'm not saying this to you guys I like even hearing me talk about it I'm like oh cringing because it feels so negative but when I was in it it felt like I didn't have a choice it truly consumed me and so I'm telling you guys this or I'm sharing

this with you because I'm hoping that those of you out there that are in this position that feeling of being defeated feeling like you had no other choice but to let it get the best of you like how can you not let it get the best of you I just want to let you know that I understand so anyway so I was being sued by the AG's office and there was a hearing coming up my mom M I guess I told her we were in and out of talking at that point but she insisted on coming down and supporting me for this I thought because the second that I found out that I was being sued by the AG's office I went around and found the money miraculously found the $1,200 whatever it was to pay the AAR so that when I

showed up to court I had the receipt and everything would be fine because it's already been paid after all in my mind it was only $1,200 this is not I hear about people that are behind in their child support tens of thousands of dollars this is $1,200 and so I paid the stuff thought I would show up to court and it would not be a big deal so I told my mom it really wasn't necessary but she decided to come anyway so we show up in court and I was not prepared for boo my ex my daughter's father showed up even though he wasn't required to it really wasn't a him against me on paper thing he showed up and insisted that I'd be thrown in jail and the AG was not not recommending this

they weren't recommending anything because I already paid and the judge after much prodding on my ex's part did just that she put me in jail luckily my mom came down because she had to bail me out that day I didn't spend the night that time but I was there for a good amount of time and of course then there's the mug shot all over for everybody to see and what have you the reason I'm telling you this is because I could have avoided that situation it didn't need to get to the point where I was vulnerable enough to be able to be thrown in jail I was standing by my belief that this was wrong and I was the one that was being injustic and therefore I shouldn't have to pay I

shouldn't have to do this they're just saying [ __ ] you to me and I know they're laughing all the way to the bank and just throwing my money away on whatever I had all of these stories in my head and they're actually while I'm working my ass off to try to make that $300 and also pay the supervisor and all the other things the Stepmom is dropping my daughter off at the mall so we can meet my daughter and I could meet in a public place with a supervisor and she's like pointing and laughing on her cell phone as she's driving away mocking me making a spectacle of the situation she was having a ball with it and it made me sick to my stomach so every month when I

knew that it was that time to go pay that child support these are the kinds of things that I would Replay in my head and I let it get the best of me I let it eat me alive and it really [ __ ] with me on an everyday basis it was like the low grade always like how can I even possibly move past this because everywhere I turn they have blocked me they are ruling my life from afar and I promise you I've really felt this in my bones that this was not an optional belief that he was puppeting me my ex from afar he was puppeting all of the powers that be in the family courts paying them off starting rumors that he picked the partner my daughter's stepmom with a personality type that loves to

obsess and get revenge she was all about making his promise to me from long ago when we first got separated for him to ruin my life she was all about making that promise come true for him doing anything that they could no money spared in order to make my life a living hell and so that is what I lived on the every day and as so long as I lived in that mindset of they've wronged me and I shouldn't have to do any of this stuff and how dare they and here I am sitting here without my kid and they're over there laughing and making an ass out of me and I'm stuck paying this so I'm not going to pay and guess what I'll on myself up in jail that was the most disempowering place I could have ever

been and so long as I stayed in that mindset I was never ever ever going to gain any power over the situation of myself and any perspective on my life and grow through it and get to the other side in order for me to let go of the idea that all of these injustices have been done now I can't say let go of the idea because I still believe that I was Injustice as I believe that all of you anybody that's going through alienation had suffered some serious injustices right I will always remain with that however continuing in to choose that perspective for how I lived my life on the everyday basis could not continue to happen or I would have been in jail again and again and again and again and

again and who would have gotten the best of me then so I think I've made my point the so basically I I could have avoided jail I could have avoided feeling is stuck for as long as I did in staying under earning and not earning at all and staying in a very deep deep depression for so long I could have moved from it a lot quicker but my pride and my commitment to sticking with that story of Injustice was way stronger than my desire to change when it boiled down to it like I really wanted change I really wanted to get out of it but also I equally did not think it was possible for me to let go of The Stance I took if I explored other points of view then that would open me up to having to say

that I was wrong that I was the cause of the alienation and that's never that's not the case but at the time I thought that if I didn't stand firm in my view of the Injustice being done to me that I would have to admit defeat they were right and I was wrong and it doesn't have to be one or the other I can acknowledge that alienation has happened and that Injustice has happened I was not deserving of these judgments right I can acknowledge that but then also acknowledge that holding on to that and allow knowing that to be The Driver of my every action was not going to help me I had to be willing to divorce my ego my pride about what has happened so that I

could explore the the uplevel version of me so today for example I pay the child support I don't entertain the stories the shouldn't be blah blah blah how dare they they're laughing all the way to the bank they are just trying to [ __ ] me my daughter's probably not seeing a scent of this like all the stuff that I've said before to myself I stopped saying I just stopped saying it I just decided that I'm going to look at child support as a circumstance as a neutral in my life instead of following in all of the evidence I collected over the however many years about why paying child support on my side of things is wrong I just look at it it's not bad or it's not

good it's just is just as taxes are just as paying for water and electricity and cable is if I want freedom if I want to gain some perspective and some power over this situation this is I pay this fee and that's it I don't ever consider thinking about what is done with the money what they're doing with it what they're not doing with it what they're thinking when it comes to them none of that and that is as simple as that it's just telling your brain look we're not going to do this anymore going and luxuriating in indulging in this thought pattern doesn't get us anywhere in fact it gets me places that I don't want to be and here's the shitty thing is it's the place that I don't

want to be is the very place that he is actually trying to make me go he was the one that was calling the AGS off office and begging them demanding that they file a suit he was the one that was showing up to court and demanding to the judge that I get sent to jail and because I am wallowing in all of the stories and all the reasons why he sucks and he's trying to get me put in jail I go get myself thrown in jail he did what he did but today I can just assume that that's what he's doing and now him doing that is a neutral in my world he's just doing what he does I normally say his first name and I add an ing onto it like the verb of him that's just how he behaves and so that

is a neutral to me I can just Bank on and anticipate not not the right word because I don't ever consider it anymore but I just it's no surprise that he would ever pursue any sort of legal action against me I'm just going to assume that he is just like I said just like taxes are neutral that I mean it sucks but you got to pay them that is how it is and that way you gain power over and then if you're in a situation like me it's not him that put me in jail it was me because I knew I knew that if I didn't pay people do go to jail for this stuff back then I would have said yeah but not for $1,200 yeah but not because of the situation I was in I'm not a crackhead or I'm not a dead beat

mom or dad that's not my situation that's what I would have said back then but that's not helping me so instead of making it and demonizing it and making it about him I'm not victim blaming here I want you to find your power instead of making it about them make it about yourself because you do know what the terms are even if the terms suck whatever you've got going on for you whatever you're supposed to pay whatever you're supposed to do neutralize that just make that a fact of life and now how can you comply with that because that is what you were doing for you not for them you know what I'm saying don't let it get the best of you don't if you're living into the stories of how

that's what they wanted that they're trying to do this to you they're trying to do that it will [ __ ] you up and it will keep you stagnant for way longer than you deserve to be instead it's the neutrality of the circumstance that you have before you at this moment that doesn't mean that you're lying down for it or that you aren't working to change it you can still work to modify the child support or whatever it is going on for you you can still work to change it in fact you're in a much better position to get it changed if you're already applying but when you're defaulting and you're like rebelling against it you're never going to get anywhere rarely so gain power over it neutralize all of

the situations in your life the current circumstances in your life that you're making so negative right now okay that's what I have for you don't land yourself in jail for sure don't do that but even like the jail of your mind I know that seems a little whatever but like seriously even the jail of your mind because that is hell alone to be constantly feeling like you're at the mercy of them they're trying to control my life and blah blah blah they're doing a very good job of controlling your life when all you're concentrating on is the fact that they're trying to control your life do you know what I'm saying make it a neutral just expect that that's what they're trying to do okay cool it is a

neither here nor there when you're standing in your own power when you are neutralizing those situations and expecting it from them and then you call the shots from here okay all right guys have a lovely week you know last week I um read there was two new reviews that I found right at the end of whenever I was doing the beginning announcements which I recorded the end last week I read portions of the two new reviews that I had gotten out they touched me like I actually was a little tearful because they were such really heartfelt and heartwarming reviews that y'all gave me on iTunes I really appreciate it and so I yeah so I recorded that or I thought I recorded it and then I couldn't find

that recording it was just like a blurb that I did separate and now I can't find it anywhere so to the two new reviews from you guys really seriously touched my heart and I really wish that I could reply to reviews but I can't and so just know that yeah it brought me to tears I really really really thank you I appreciate you guys just as much I I mean it I really I do so I will continue to share my experience strength and hope with you for as long as you guys appreciate it um for those of you who have put in reviews from countries other than the US for whatever reason I don't know why this is maybe somebody can give me the explanation I don't get shown those from

anywhere other than us even Canada unless I dig hard for them reviews I think are only shown like for the US are only shown in the US and for Iceland only shown in Iceland and Canada and Canada you know what I'm saying I don't think that were all like privy to all the different countries the reviews hopefully that's making sense so if you live somewhere other than the US and you've written a review on iTunes and I haven't thanked you I'm thinking you now and I would love if you would drop me a line and let me know what country you're in and where you sent the review in from because I what I will do is collect that and get put it at least in a post like on Instagram or something like that like

I did last year and share that okay so I really I would love to know if you've written sorry to make you do any more work only if you've got the time but if you've written a review and you haven't heard me express my thanks then that's probably why okay I'm tired my go have a wonderful day noon pm on Friday in the private Facebook group answer any of your questions