The Truth About "Old" Pain & Resentment in Alienation

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 62 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road hi how is everybody doing ah can you see my background it looks like I was just looking at it earlier and if it wasn't for that iPad is not crap on the on the table right there it almost looks like a fake background back there because of the Christmas scene I've got if you guys haven't already and you feel like getting in the Christmas spirit I know some of you may not you may be feeling a little bit bahug and I understand that but if you do feel like getting in the Christmas spirit YouTube has some really good sorry for that jingling another dog

in the House YouTube has these great Tren Savers each one of them I think is like two or three hours long and so I found it by accident I was watching a YouTube video I don't know days ago almost a week ago and let it run through and then these things started and I was like oh this is pretty great in fact I loved it so much the first night it was on I ended up keeping it on while I slept I was like oh I could just leave it on so it'll be on in the morning because it's cozy right there's all these different scenes that you could have on one's like a coffee shop with like snow in the background there's another one with a dog sitting by a fire place and yeah Bunches of them it's like

digital artwork but it looks really real Christmasy I don't have a tree up I haven't done a tree in years I'm watching yet another dog from Rover and yeah I joined this app just for a little fun some company for Buddy over here and I tell you like I said I joined during a busy time of year but it has been non-stop I don't know why I don't just say no the lesson for me probably anyway it's besides the point so today oh and like look this was from a dog walk from earlier today so if you guys can't see if you're not watching I haven't even cleaned it up because I've been client after client and then straight into recording so that this wasn't late for this week so um yeah I'm

all skinned up took the dog for a walk earlier and didn't know that it likes to chase cars yep that can never end well for anybody didn't end well for me today that's for sure and I was like in the middle of the road I was looking down one of my clients texted me off the dog went and I went up in the air and right down on the ground so yes it was an interesting morning and here I am after this I will go clean myself up and get this podcast edited for you guys so never a dull moment so couple things um I want to quickly announce that one is the holiday support group y'all I really wanted to start it this Thursday but I have only had the people from the healing and reinvention program

like the people that are already my current members are the ones that have signed up for it I have not had any anybody else so there are hundreds out there of you guys I know this like hundreds of weekly listeners hundreds almost up to a thousand of you guys so I know you're out there if you want to come to a weekly support group okay I'm not doing the coaching there unless you wanted me to for this support group I'm just facilitating it I'm just there I'm gonna let you guys do the CH chatting okay unless you specifically ask can I have coaching otherwise I'm not this isn't a coaching thing I'm just facilitating the support for like uh the community for you guys okay I'm holding

the the zoom meeting so that is that that that'll be on I'm wanting to say on Thursday nights because that's what the members have said but I need to hear more from you guys in order to do it to to hold it this Thursday okay so that's going to be a day after this is released so bring a dingy or send me a message okay beyond the highroad gmail.com easy peasy okay Hey listen also I got a couple really lovely voice messages from my Spotify those of you who listen to through Spotify thank you for my lovely voice messages this last week I love you guys so much and I want to say that like I I haven't actually addressed the reviews and the like these kind of voice messages they mean so much to me on

Spotify you guys can like leave comments for each episode you know and I wish that I could respond to each one of those comments like I put a question like what did you like or dislike about this episode it's so so people will comment and I can publish them click the button to publish them but I can't respond and I really really wish that Spotify would add that feature so but anyway just know that I see all of them because I have to click it's like days after you do it but I do see them and I publish them so I thank you so much for taking the time to respond to those questions and telling me what you like and what you don't I love seeing them you guys please just know that your

effort they are definitely not only noted but I feel them and so thank you so much and those voice messages that I've gotten left this last week have been thank you so touching and y'all help me just as much I mean that you really do so that's that and then also I have a friend of mine who just published an ebook she's another targeted mom targeted parent and she actually happened to be one of my coaching clients for a couple years and during that entire time she was writing this book she put a lot of work into it and it's got so much good information in there you guys and so it's for basically she's speaking to all targeted parents right but really especially if you're

new to this if this is something that you've just discovered is going on with you she's got a lot of helpful information in there she did a lot of research on the roles of the alienating parent the alienated parent and then the court systems and stuff like that got a lot of really good information for anybody that's just discovering that this is what's happening okay so the name of the book is called divorce pawns I will put a link for it down in the show notes okay so go get that for yourself that and if you know of anybody if you're listening to this and you know of anybody that has just discovered or they might be going through the beginnings of a separation or divorce

and this could be a possibility and you want to pass it along to to somebody it's a it it would be a great information source for for anybody who's going through this okay so there's that divorce pawns and oh and it's free it's free it's a free book free I was like free you're G to do it for free that's crazy because I actually like read a lot of the book as she was writing it and she put a lot of work into this book I mean she was going through her Masters during this she put so much research into it and she's doing it for free but anyway okay so that's that now I'm chat to Cathy let's get on to the episode so last week when I was talking with you guys I mentioned something that I want

to add context to and correct basically because I think it deserves clarification I am willing to bet that none of you guys would have even battered an eye at it or thought it was incorrect but I think the correct me correcting it today might help one or two of you out there so here goes I mentioned last week I said that I had an old resentment and I want to tell you now like here that there are no old resentments none of us have old resentments we choose to feel resentment today about something that happened in the past we choose it in the moment and I know that may seem like I'm splitting hairs and that's like semantics it is and it isn't I think it's very helpful

for me anyway to remind myself especially when it comes to resentment and anger that it's not like something happened back then and that caused an emotion back then that I'm still carrying with me it doesn't happen that way when we feel an emotion now it's because of a thought that that we're choosing to think now does that make sense so like relevant for everybody here today let's say you wrote an email to your ex asking about holiday visitation or parenting time okay and they have not responded to you and then you wrote another email maybe you texted and called and you've not received any response back about the upcoming holiday situation so you want your time with your kid but you're not

getting a response and so I think many of you listening would all agree that that would be a cause effect situation they aren't answering our calls they are not answering our emails we are supposed to be able to have our Christmas time or holiday time I should say not everybody celebrates Christmas with our kiddos and if they don't respond then one would think that universally this would cause frustration and anger even but it's not the case this is how I took back my power we look at it circumstance and we want to make it very factual I emailed child's father on such and such date be very specific okay and I have not yet received a response that would be your circumstance

there it would be our tendency to add in more context to that story we'd like to add in the missing details we suppose all the things had no response yet we want to be like that's because they're trying to keep them from me they're erasing me from their life they are manipulating our children y y y not to say not all of those things are true right but we don't really know the fact is is that we emailed on two dates and we have not heard a response okay okay so we have a story about the fact that they haven't responded that story causes us to feel an emotion let's say you feel frustrated always our emotions cause us to behave or not behave in whatever way it's not the circumstance that causes

the result or even causes our emotion it's not they didn't respond so I'm frustrated never it seems like it would be other parent did not respond everybody should be frustrated everybody but not everybody would be frustrated I might feel annoyed I might feel hurt depending on what the story is that I'm telling myself I could feel an array of different emotions I might feel happy because what if this is not the case but what if I was actually secretly dreading seeing my kid again definitely not the case for me but what if I was secretly dreading seeing my kid and I was sending those emails out of Duty but when they didn't respond I could feel relieved does that make sense so the circumstance

stance is not a universal cause and effect there's a story that we all have in between that story will cause our emotion okay and then cause us to behave and then cause our final end result right our experience in the world so now let's make it a little bit more complicated and let's fast forward 10 years now we're in 2033 you could still feel frustrated you're looking back on the fact that in 2023 the other parent did not respond to the two emails that you sent out you could choose to repeat the same story to yourself for 10 years causing you to still feel frustrated about the other parent not responding that is highly probable for most people to continue thinking the same story

until that story became a default belief that's one way to go or you could what how what I've chosen to do with many of my stories since I've chosen to upgrade each one of my stories except for the old quote unquote old resentment that I have about this one girl right I've chosen to rewrite each one of the stories that was causing me to feel bad um still true stories but I've just made them I've given them all upgrades most of them anyway but continuing on with this other parent Christmas time not responding I'm just going to go ahead and put myself in a situation like I did then so same thing with me say 2023 I hypothetically emailed my ex and he didn't respond I emailed twice let's

say I too felt frustrated not the relieved but let's say I too felt frustrated 10 years from now I could have decided like I have with my other stories that I don't want to hold on to this resentment I don't want to actively feel resentment so I could instead in that 10 years have evolved my story to believe that in my ex's mind he believes he is protecting our child by not responding he believes he is right in his entitlement to hold on to our child to do whatever he's done and so from that story about 10 years prior oh he really believed he was doing the right thing I might feel a different emotion than frustration I might feel like a bit more Curious or well I mean I guess

understand in a way I can understand how he feels I know that I felt like I've been doing the right thing on many occasions and I know that he disagreed with me right and so I could get where a person might be less willing to cooperate and to follow the rules if they feel like they need to protect their child does that make sense now by the way when I'm saying this to you guys just know this is for examples only and never ever ever do do I endorse or agree with the alienator quote unquote protecting their child okay I'm just saying that for the sake of your own inner peace you can decide to amend your current story so as to not hold on to like uh a story from the past that is

not helping or moving you the direction you want to go okay so let's go back to you so 10 years from now you decide that you don't want to be frustrated about this specific situation any longer so you can look at the facts of the situation and like peel away this is where we all need help because a lot of times we'll believe that our own story is so true and factual when it's full of like adjectives and negative tone that we would do much better to remove hopefully that makes sense so let's say you want to feel at peace about the fact that your ex never responded to you in order to feel at peace you would have to think a thought that got you there but also you can't really trick your brain

so you'd want to think a thought that was true or at least something that you could possibly get on board with right I know I've talked with you guys about doing like Bridge thoughts or lad thoughts where it's like it's possible that I could feel at peace about this situation about them denying me the right to see my child or whatever about them not responding to the emails it's possible is always a great way to sort of push open those walls that I talk about and consider a different perspective okay so hopefully you're catching I know I'm explaining it a bunch my goal is for me to explain this well enough and as much as I need to for you to also then see that it's in your

power entirely to change the way you feel if you want any of the emotions that you feel today are as a result of the thoughts that you think and this is really good this is not to victim blame as I've said before and I say quite frequently because I do think that this is a tendency that I leaned towards too was to think oh are you trying to say that it's my fault that I'm feeling this way then yes and no is the answer there we've never been taught how to feel growing up we've really been taught to avoid and not take responsibility for our emotions I don't believe that people should do things that could cause hurt I don't want to cause hurt to anybody I'm sure you don't and you don't want

anybody to cause harm to you but the fact of the matter is is people do really shitty things they do they always have and they always will it's just a fact of life hurt people hurt people that is it is what it is so that was a long explanation but I think the context matters because the gist is and what the underlying the whole point of this is is that you have more power than you think you do and that's what I want you to know I want you to know that you can continue to take your power back every day every minute really with each thought that you think so each time that you tell yourself that you have old oh like you're carrying old pain or there's old resentment or there's Old Wounds

right all of those phrases I think end up causing you more pain in the now whatever your story is you can upgrade and cause yourself to feel emotion in the now that feels better for you one that feels more true for you today okay so each one of those resentments that you're carrying today that you're feeling today find the story about it that person was mean to me in seventh grade my ex did yada yada y decide how you want to feel about that now and moving forward is this something you want to continue to repeat to yourself and hold on to is this a story that you want to hold on to if it's not worth it for you because as I've also explained or shared with you before is

that you are the only one that's feeling your emotion right only you nobody else is feeling this quote unquote old resentment or the pain of this old wound quote unquote old wound it is only you so if that is not serving you anymore which I'm going to just give you a hint and let you know that it's not then find a story and an emotion that is useful to you so resentment I would categorize I that classify that as an indulgent emotion indulgent emotions are emotions like confusion boredom uh resentment I would say doubtful could be self-pity is another one indecision which is like confusion saying that you're always busy I'm busy I'm just so busy we're we're not ever

really that busy maybe there's a lot of things that we need to do but that's called uh managing our minds around our own time but anyway procrastination is another indulgent emot blame exhaustion can be an indulgent emotion and there are some other ones but just so you know just so you have an idea when we're in those indulgent emotions it feels like that kind of backhanded good it feels comfortable feels like you're sitting in your own you're like confusion is one that we as alienated parents really have a hard time we end up sitting in confusion a lot right in indecision because we it's coming from the trauma right and coming from feeling like the damned if you do

damned if you don't right it was one of the hardest for me to get over and so I don't want to get off topic too much but just to let you know that it's always better to put one foot in front of the other and do something even if it's a small decision you don't need to make the big decisions and moments of duress as you know but taking putting one foot in front of the other and continuing motion is super super helpful for to move yourself from the indulgent emotion of confusion or indecision anyway back to where I was with resentment I believe that resentment can be indulgent and therefore unuseful and plus it just feels like anger is an emotion that I think can be useful in fact I know

that I've gotten a lot accomplished from the place of anger anger can be very motivating Without Anger we wouldn't have peaceful protesting we wouldn't have we wouldn't have all kinds of protesting really but I have chosen anger on purpose many times since starting this work anger has helped me to move myself through and out of places that I no longer want it to be like mentally emotionally and physically so anger I think is useful but feeling resentful bitter feeling slighted betrayed choosing to continue to feel betrayed is only a cover up for the real core emotion and it is not effective at all to continue to feel the emotion of being betrayed is a bitter existence and

so it's not one that I choose to feel on purpose when I'm mindfully living my life so I know this episode is a bit more meta but this is actually these mental and emotional shifts are what cause me to move from living in resentment and victimhood and confusion and doubt and all the other feelings into a place of action and feeling in control and in charge of my life and feeling purposeful purposed and that I'm living a life of meaning this exact work right here so back to the beginning there are no old resentments there is no old pain if you're living in resentment your thoughts about whatever circumstance happened has not been processed and so you need to like let

the story out talk it out even if it's to yourself but preferably talk it out with either a therapist or a coach or a friend somebody that you trust but continue to talk and talk and talk and talk some more writing also helps as long as you're getting it out from inside of your body into The Ether express it out so that you can come up with a new more functional way that serves you therefore serving the people around you in your world that think that we all have a responsibility as humans to share who we are like truly who we are with the world you don't have to believe this if you don't want to but I truly believe that we all have this desire to feel understood to be heard

for a reason because here's the kicker if you are feeling resentful you're feeling bitter you're feeling betrayed what happens you end up putting a wall up you end up putting a wall up and curtailing what you show to the world then guess what you're going to think that what you have to say isn't worth hearing because you feel like you have to put a filter on yourself right you're not you're too busy feeling betrayed and bitter and resentful so you don't make your mark on the world like you want to like you crave to do as all human do so you shut yourself out from the world more than you already feel shut out because of alienation okay so then you don't feel heard you can't express

yourself to your fullest and live into the True full you that you know you are deep down inside the best you the best version of you these emotions that you may not even realize that you're choosing are causing you to show up in an inauthentic way in a disingenuine way public speaking I had a problem with this I'm now starting to overcome it I'm getting better and better at it with practice but it's because my thought was always they're going to misunderstand me I was too busy concerning myself with what they thought so I wasn't able to show up as my real self and then when I don't show up as my real self then I don't feel heard you whoever my audience is can't really understand who I am

because I'm not being myself hopefully I'm making sense here it's just that the wall that you put up as a result of feeling resentment bitterness betrayal whatever it is you feel that wall that you put up will only perpetuate itself and then you will continue to feel judged you will continue to feel isolated and alone not enough and then you're not heard by others therefore you're not serving others and this world's not going around in the way it should there's too much resistance then I say this to me too just know that the sooner that you can become aware of the thoughts that are causing you to feel these indulgent emotions and whatever other feelings you have that aren't

helping you the sooner that you can start to show up as your true self in whatever area modality platform you choose everybody has got a different way of expressing themselves it may be up on a stage in front of thousands of people maybe that's your dream or maybe it's just to live your life in the day-to-day and show up in a way that brightens the days of those who you interact with throughout your you know daily work and chores and whatever it is we're all different but you cannot show up as your real self until you become aware of what is causing you to hide yourself okay okay so there are no old resentments there are no Old Wounds and there is no old pain something that happened before

cannot cause you pain because it's already gone it's dissipated it's the current story that you're choosing to retell to yourself that is causing you to feel um whatever emotion you feel about what's happened in the past pain anger bitter you know what I'm saying Okay so this means that you have control of it you don't have to go back and change what happened in the past in order to feel differently about it today okay you can just decide that the emotion you did feel isn't one that you still want to feel by thinking a thought that's different if you want okay I feel like that was really wordy I don't know if it's going to be do you guys look do you see this look at my cat's watching

TV thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyond the high road.com see you

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