6 Unseen Ways You Might Push Your Kids Away As An Alienated Parent

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 98 stay tuned hi how you guys doing so today we are going to be actually before I even go into I'm going to announce at the end like the full shebang the whole the deal what I'm doing but um I just want to let you know that something's coming soon we're going to by popular demand I've had comments and emails and inquiries as to when we're going to start the membership again when we're opening the doors back up and although it won't be I'm not calling it a membership it's still I'll tell you about it in the end but anyway something's coming up very soon if you've been wanting to get more out of

like you like what you're hearing the podcast and you've really been wanting to apply it to your life and make it actually feel like it's working in your life more than it is then stay tuned for that because I'm going to give you guys two different options so I'll tell you more in the end but I've been working hard on getting it's been like writing a a darn book to get the to get all the material in place for you guys okay today we're going to be talking about the ways that you might be unintentionally pushing your kids away from you most of these that I'm going to list are classif ified as cognitive distortions so we'll go over the top five I am going to count down like in

order however this doesn't have to be everybody's order this there's no real Rhyme or Reason I guess what I'm trying to say is this is really subjective but I'm going to label them anecdotally going from the least to the most common that I see the most harmful I don't know just seems to be like the most problem-causing distortions ways that you might be pushing your children away okay in your brain or actually as you guys know if you've been listening to the podcast whatever we think is going to create the actual results in our life so if you're thinking it and you are still in regular contact or irregular contact with your child if you're going into all the situations that you do

speak to them thinking these ways that I list here then of course it's going to cause you to show up feeling guarded and less connected to them so let's get started so this came up because last night I was like what do I want to do tomorrow you know I'd go through it every week I have the running list of other ideas right and I was like no I don't feel like it yet or this isn't time yet or I want to do that when I start to interview people because I will do that eventually coming up in year three and so then I told myself it was already 10:00 10:30 and I wanted to go go to bed and I was like you know what I'm just going to take the most common theme from tomorrow morning's clients

and I'm going to come up with material based on that and that is exactly what happened in fact I got two fantastic ideas for episodes this that would be this week's and next week's too so look forward to that one it's going to be another interesting one that I think most of us as alienated parents struggle with with or have struggled with at some point for sure so back to today number five it's an odd one but being too positive if you don't get me already I think maybe you will once I explain this and in fact while I was prepping for today for this episode I realized just how much I actually did this without even knowing I didn't think there was such a thing of

being too positive this is not a cognitive distortion by the way um what is cognitive Distortion is discounting the positive which I will get to in a minute it's just the opposite of this but being too positive I think sometimes we as alienated parents me as an alienated parent before the alienation actually even took hold in the the strategies were there I felt so much pressure and I'm sure you guys can all relate to this when it came to my parenting everything I said or did every little side eye or time I enforced a rule I felt for sure sure there was going to be some push back from the other side which is of course also another cognitive distortion that I'll

go to a little later in the episode but I I felt like I was under a microscope you know at all times and so I didn't think that I had the luxury of being negative I'm sure you guys can all relate to that and also in my mind I had this idea of what she might be putting up with over at the other house and how much pressure I believe that she might be under back when she was living with me I wanted to make my house our house a Haven for her I wanted to make it super Serene and super grounding for her that was always what I took pride on and I believe that lot of you out there also Pride yourselves on is you know that you are that source of grounding and you always

felt that that they felt they could release themselves and the emotions when they were at home yeah and I think I mean that is amazing and that is exactly I believe the goal but sometimes when the pressure was on I felt the need to push that narrative or make sure that she knew that this is where home was where she could actually Express her emotions where she could actually be her true self which now looking back I see a little bit as problematic I can see some potential problems with trying to push that narrative to her so that she uh felt secure I was trying to almost push the security onto her um where is I know that I didn't need to do that it was already there so it might have pushed

some beliefs onto her or maybe even some pressure but what I was getting to is there was a point there especially when I was under Fire I felt very pressured to provide a source of happiness and uplifting atmosphere for her and for me to be always happy and always on and ready to go and hey what do you want to do what do you want to do next I mean I really wanted to be that way I wanted to be positive I really liked being positive but I also know that back then it was it was not fully genuine I was sort of putting that hat on and now there's nothing wrong with that however there are times when I think that it's not appropriate and can cause a disconnect between you and your child

if you are still in everyday talks with them and even if you're not if you are feeling the need to always be on and overly positive and trying to find the Silver Linings of the situation um trust me I know this one well well at least yada yada yada which again is a great attitude to take to always be wanting to take something away from the situation something that we've learned and we can use it and blah blah blah also I think that sometimes we buffer away the feelings associated with grief the true core pain and sadness and maybe even you know anger and some other feelings so there's that but I can remember too being on like Zoom calls after I moved down here and even there

during the pandemic and stuff I can recall a lot of instances where I would get on the zoom call and I would feel like I needed to be on and I created this everything was just fine and just happy Blissful and rainbows and unicorns right but at the same time here we were on this Zoom call with a supervisor who had some a piece of paper up against her monitor so as to not interrupt our situation there and I don't mean to bring Darkness into the situation I mean I do believe it's always great to see the bright side and see the benefit out of everything right 100% And also I don't know how appropriate my Blissful attitude was in every conversation it didn't always call

for that and there were times where I I you know you always wish you could go back and see yourself like in action back in the day just out of curiosity to see what things were like but you know obviously can't do that all we have is our own perception but I do believe I I know that I there were more than several occasions where my daughter would be expressing her displeasure or uh unease about a situation that happened with her whether it was at school or maybe even getting grounded at her dad's house you know disappointments happen especially in a pre-teen girl's life but the boys too you know things happen [ __ ] happens and in those moments due to my discomfort with her discomfort

like I didn't know how to help her and so instead of allowing her to be in her discomfort and be unhappy I would look for the Silver Linings of the situation oh but at least blah blah blah at least you learned something I can picture her right now sort of deflating in a way shutting her down and not allowing her to be and have her own emotions and I think this is something that we do especially because like I said not only do we feel for the situation that they're in some of us may have been alienated in our own situations and then others of you may not have been like in your childhood right you may not actually know what it's like to feel alienated from a

parent so you can only imagine right so you have all of this empathy and helplessness and not knowing how to act and wanting to accommodate and be the best parent best supportive model of positivity in their lives be their Bean often times by being overly positive and not allowing them to experience the disappointment and the the upsets that life inevitably hands us all of us then we cause this disconnect between us okay so on the other side of that is which is a cognitive distortion is discounting the positive everything turns into a negative we don't take into account the positive things that have happened I think with all of this you guys you just have to remember that everything is a

balance and you determine that balance and the way that I decide for all of these is how I feel inside when I'm doing the things that I'm doing or thinking the way that I'm thinking do I like the way that I'm feeling right now does it benefit me cuz sometimes you're NE the way that you're feeling does push you to where you want to go never you're bullying yourself but like let's say for instance you are feeling angry and sometimes we can take anger and use it for fueling us into Gathering people to come up with solutions for alienation and we can really use anger to our benefit productivity doesn't usually come from being in a content and happy place you know what I'm saying but you

know the difference and you can determine that by the way you're feeling like is this actually going to to serve me can I use this to serve me and if I can't if it's just causing me to feel more distant from my child or create distance between us because the way that I'm showing up and the way that I'm thinking about us your child and you that's where you can redirect yourself so that is number five I guess I should also point out here too the difference between a cognitive bias and a cognitive distortion is that the Distortion is like the exaggerated form of whatever thought that process that you're following and usually becomes problematic where cognitive biases are

just they human Tendencies it's just the way our brain operates right but cognitive distortions usually show up in stressful situations after trauma like where we've come from okay so you do your own research on that because that's just the Shelby ISM way of of describing it you might want to Google it just to make sure okay the next one is emotional reasoning emotional reasoning is you base your reality or all of reality on your internal feelings your emotions like I just had that funny feeling inside something's going to go seriously wrong today I just know it's going to go wrong today because I have this had this feeling all day long and there's no reason for me to be anxious must be now

I do believe in intuition that's a whole another conversation we can talk about that another day email me or maybe I'll do it in another episode in the name of trying to stay on task and keep this episode to less than an hour today less than 50 minutes let's say your child says something that you feel upset about they have you feel in some type of way and you conclude that they must be up to no good they must be doing this as a power struggle or because they're trying to hurt you it's a fact they're only saying that to get a rise out of me sometimes we'll say things like or you may not say it this way but you're feeling rejected by your kiddos so you must be an unlovable parent you must be

a bad parent you must not be worthy to parent right because you feel rejected by them in your mind the way that you're feeling determines what is actually reality sometimes we can think I feel like a failure so why even try why even try because I know I'm going to fail even more you know and continue to fail right A lot of these are sort of overlapping and coexist anxiety is a lot of times the culprit we'll take that anxiety and say there must be something wrong with my kiddo there must be something further that I need to know about this situation something's wrong um and so we go into that negativity about the situation all right should statements you always know this one well

we should and shouldn't ourselves I have an episode on this on should how we should and should not I believe I did that earlier in the year it's also another good one to go back to but this is so so common with I mean pretty much any interpersonal relationship but especially when it comes to Arcanos it shouldn't be this way they they shouldn't treat me that way they shouldn't reject me a parent child relationship doesn't shouldn't look like this this should not be happening they shouldn't act that way I shouldn't be cast aside you name that all of the shs are basically you're like in a counterfactual alternate reality of should of this world that isn't shoulds

will screw you every time the thing about all of these and not I probably should have explained but I I feel like I almost want to explain it for every single one of these distortions is that a lot of these I keep wanting to use the word pernicious today and I just Googled it actually is the right word a lot of these are pernicious and quiet subtle in by nature and so we know that we shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't ourselves right we know that we don't get the result that we want from being disingenuine and like being overly positive and trying to create an atmosphere that's like an altered reality we know that we shouldn't do so many things yet the reason that we continue to do them when

I tell you on a weekly basis the things I share with you you already know these these are not new Concepts that I'm offering to you but because our subconscious like the oldest beliefs are what run us a lot of these distortions that cause us to feel so much further away from our kids are so ingrained in us they go unnoticed like they fly under the radar and we're doing them so obviously if we were to stop and look but we just don't see them because we take our lives and the situations in it as though were fat so that is why it is so important like you can know all of the things that I talk about in this episode and all the episodes all day long till the cows come home but until

you start putting into practice sort of deconstructing your beliefs your thoughts and your beliefs on the everyday and really doing the mental work in upkeep then you don't you won't see the results in your life that you might if you did yeah that is why I encourage you guys on the every day like all the time to do thought downloads to brain dump get this the words from your head and outside on the piece of paper it's a good process to separate yourself from from the thoughts that are going on and then you're able to become aware of them a little bit easier sometimes we can and I've done this before where I do a thought download and then I completely disregard everything I write move on and

go right back into my habits and those old beliefs I mean I do it all the time that is just that's what it is and so we have to intentionally like want to become aware of this stuff and there is a there's a method to do that but anyway so back to where I was um should statements they always [ __ ] us they will always [ __ ] you right in the butt um they cause you depending on what we're talking about but they caus you to feel like you got slighted that this is not how life should be not only is it not how life should be but everybody else doesn't have it this way I'm the only one so then it cause causes you to feel like the special snowflake again too and

then um it's this backwards feeling of entitlement there is no help for me out there because my life is completely screwed up and I'm comparing myself to those out there and it's different right so should and should statements and when we're in that should place we're actually in a place of judgment whether we're should somebody else or we're doing it to our own selves with our children like when we're engaging with them when we're thinking on the inside they shouldn't be acting this way to me or they shouldn't be so far away from me or whatever it is that you're you've got going on in your mind then you're actually taking away from time that you could be sending with them and being as

things are in the situation and really actually opening up your your opportunities to connect and instead you're in this alternate reality so it it causes a a huge gap between and a lot of times it will come out you shouldn't behave this way maybe you don't say the word shouldn't or should but it's inferred right the message is there and I'm not victim blaming here I'm assuming that these reactions are because you're grasping wanting to hold on tight to the little babies that you love so much I think it's a natural tendency as parents being conditioned the way that we have to think about our our situ situations I mean you can't really prepare yourself for something

like this right so there's nothing wrong with you that you're having any these thought processes going on these habits these Tendencies but because some of these like the ones that I'm talking about today caused you to not feel so good and they um are more of distortions then you know it's just something to look at but anyway there's nothing wrong with you that you're doing them most of these are coming from a place of fear fear of really losing your kids of losing touch with them of losing um the bond and the connection you have so it makes sense right but what's so ironic about it is because that's what you're fearing that is the thing that you will actually make come true you can't really

control what they do but the way that you show up is already distanced from them so then you're already beating them to the punch without even realize without even intending you know okay so the next one is micromanaging this actually isn't a cognitive distortion but I don't think it is maybe it is um but it was just something I was thinking about I was trying to picture an alienated parent at all the stages different situations that you might be going through and I think the micromanaging comes in if the alienation started when your kids were like pre-teen maybe a little bit younger than that the micromanaging is a way to try and keep them close you don't intend to

micromanage but by checking in on them and making sure and trying to cover all bases you end up coming off as maybe a bit authoritative in uh a not well-received way I think the micromanaging also comes from so we're you're in a place of fear and wanting to keep them close and the more that you know about their situations and the more that you're keeping Vigilant on what's going on in their world the closer that you feel with them and then also because of what might be going on in the other home and maybe even some push back from your kiddos at this point if they're of that age then you feel like that's what you do have to hold on to is to hopefully in micromanaging you're

helping them but you end up just inserting yourself in areas that maybe they could do just fine with and let them like what's coming to me right now is from find me meanwhile let's see how little scort it does anyway so yeah micromanaging often times comes off as controlling and you know how that does nobody wants to feel controlled especially if you've got a angry teenager it's kind of self-explanatory I don't need to go any further labeling this is the one I wanted to get to these last two kind of go hand in hand and these are the most to me the most common and can be very damaging I think cause you to feel the most um isolated and away from disconnected with your

children um and have with me I think this is one that we all do it's just it's a human behavior we do it in order to create a sense of safety for ourselves because when we label and uh sort of put things in boxes then we can sort of know where we fit in amongst those things right and when we're talking about our children and especially when we start labeling behaviors attaching that label to them and their character this is when we can start to feel so distant then we're saying I'm not like that they're like this and I'm not right they're a liar I'm not they're disrespectful I'm not you know what I'm saying if you're pointing it out then it's the inference

that you are not that and already before you even go further in you've already separated yourself from them they must be learning that over the alien in parents house that causes a now a double separation double disconnect so not only is my kiddo not like me but now they're more siding with the alienating parent now true or not we already know that if if it's not helping you if it's not causing you feelings that that work for you then why why choose it if you want to feel closeness if you want to ReDiscover your bond your Everlasting Bond your children then these are the kind of things that you look at so I know that I did this labeling and also the number one thing I'm going to talk

about in just a minute so much back when my daughter was itty bitty from the get right especially when the stress had just started coming on because I wanted to make sense of it all which makes perfect sense right and so when my daughter would come home and be displaying a different Behavior or be saying things that I didn't sound normal for a toddler I wanted to label that behavior as bad I wanted to label that behavior is not natural or not um not something that she learned from me she learned this from over there right which like I was just saying caused me to feel like I was grasping on to her even as a little one so because for me I've told you that the alienation strategy started

from the time that we split up when she was 15 months old now didn't actually take hold until she was nine but throughout that entire time I I felt like I was um I was constantly battling and like fighting off a lot of these distortions so for nine years straight there were some pretty obsessive um and consistent efforts to uh I want to say destroy our relationship to remove me from my daughter's life so I know a lot of these behaviors really well out of experience um and I know that you guys probably understand that but sometimes I feel like if I listen back to my I always do a proof after I already published the episode I'll listen back to it and I have to to do edits and sometimes I

think gosh I hope I I sound a little preachy and I I hope that you guys know and understand that um I say that way I say the things that I say and they sometimes come off that way not because I'm wanting to preach but because I've been there and I've done the things that I'm talking about or the things that I'm offering you guys to not do you know so I'm always I feel so passionate about it that sometimes it does come off kind of prey but that's not what's intended at all anyway like I've been here with all of these ones deeply into these right labeling was huge for me because it made me feel like a sense of safety sort of like I was describing in that your pain

is not your connection episode that um if I could label it like this behavior is not mine that's she learned that from her dad's house she learned that from the Stepmom she whatever it it made me feel sick safe but it was like a a fleeting safety it actually like I thought it made me feel safe I can't even say that I felt safe I would say it looking for almost like the alienator does right looking to feel better but it didn't really have kept grasping and so it was a quick not fix but it was um anyway it was it was something I did that actually caused a lot more distance and a feeling of like oh my gosh I'm losing her like they're affecting her they're infecting

her right I never said that but I mean I that's really kind of like the feel to it it felt like they were I did label this I used to call them they were like a like a a weed like an infectious weed that came and overtook everything and took my daughter with them and the community some of the people in the community who have since come right back around to me but doesn't matter neither here nor there but I I did anything that was happening with my daughter I immediately labeled it oh it must be because of them which actually you know saying this now I actually think that that's exactly what has been done to us you know we want to make sense of it and we think well that couldn't have come

from me so it had to come from the other house because we don't know which leads me right into the next one and like I said these kind of go hand in hand which is making assumptions and jumping to conclusions catastrophizing with which we do so often it makes sense because we don't have all the information and a traditional conventional sort of family parents don't they have the luxury I guess I should say of being aware of all that's really happening in their lives except for when they go to school but at night and the the the values the morals the all the things that are being instilled into your kids the most they're aware of right and maybe at one point we were aware of but then when now

there's two houses split one house is doing the alienating there's not very much um contact between you guys conversation productive communication between the parents there's like a literal disconnect so we don't know we do we don't have to assume but we feel like well I don't have any other way of knowing so I mean I actually must assume there's nothing else I can do but really there is that's actually a lie you don't have to make the assumptions that you are because especially if they're not working to your benefit or to the the benefit of you and your child's relationship right your connection so catastrophizing I mean I think it pretty much explains itself when we go into

these scenarios about what might happen coming up like in the future we all do this right I've got that worry episode the anxiety episode where we're con constantly thinking about all the bad things that could happen I stopped doing this a long time ago um it is very rare that I do this because I created so much pain in my life from doing it it kept me in that special life on Earth but really living in Hell place for me where I felt so trapped because all I could think about is what might happen as a result of our you know my child being psychologically abused I was going to all that's going to come out sideways in her relationships with her friends and what about romantic relationships and I

had her all the way past college and what might be happening with her whether or not she went to college you know I had all of these catastrophizing scenarios in my head that became like truth to me and that caused the biggest sense of separation and helplessness sense of separation between me and my child and this overwhelming sense of helplessness and so if that's what's going on with you like currently then I I stick around because we're going to talk about that in just a second but we also I was talking with a client this morning who actually this is the reason that I'm doing this episode is our conversation what we were talking about today actually inspired this topic

and she was talking about how her daughter um has been telling her little fibs and it was causing her to feel angry feeling like why are you wasting my time with these conversations they don't see each other um they haven't seen each other in some months wants but they are in contact on the telephone and so in her mind her daughter is lying to her she doesn't understand why she thinks it's ridiculous she was also talking about how the way that she speaks to her and the things that she says are sort of baiting she's intentionally trying to hurt her and so she's putting those labels on her right as like she is this is a power play on her part she is jumping to conclusions

by saying oh she's trying to hurt me when we really actually don't know what her daughter's intentions are I mean it could be but I can see that also client you know who you are you know that I come from a place of love with this because we've all done it I just explained how I did this with my daughter when she was little and I've done it other times when she was older too like during the pandemic like anytime my daughter was on Zoom with me and she was looking anywhere other than at the screen I was convinced that uh the Stepmom was in the room with her and I'd be like hey but come back here to me and that fear of my daughter being negatively influenced during our time

together it may me angry and also impatient like come on I have a half an hour with her once a week how dare she I was in judgment not to my daughter at that point but to the Stepmom who I don't even know if she was in the room or not but it caused a lot of friction a lot of tension in the way that I behaved and acted while I was on the phone with her because then I felt disrespected the entire time time but I would try to be positive but because that was still bugging me and that was on the Forefront of my mind that I was being disrespected and the Stepmom was trying to affect me through my daughter that is really what showed up on my face while the positive I can imagine it was kind of

creepy because I was trying to be positive yet I had this such a tense face on you know and my daughter I know she knew me she understood what was happening you know because I she'd actually mentioned it in uh a later um instance you know so clearly it was written all over my face yet I thought I was being so Sly which is also creates so much tension and distance between me and her it did because now my daughter is feeling like I'm low key trying to control her or annoyed with the way that she's being who knew if stepmom was in the room or not anyway and I did I said something to her with this positive twist like oh whoever's in the room I forget how I said it but it came came

off crazy anyway so back to my client so her daughter was lying to her and she labeled that whole conversation as a waste of time why did she just waste my time like that because none of that was based in reality now she feels completely distant from her daughter because in her mind her daughters not being real with her but the fear behind all of it was that my daughter is becoming her father my daughter's becoming just like her father and so then every time she gets on the phone she's always going to see everything that her daughter does through that lens of she's turning out just like her father right and so she's always going to feel this distance in separation

because she's labeling her making these assumptions that her lies meant that that's what was going to happen with her it's so absolute and then client cannot see the forest for the trees because she's too stuck in yeah she's lying because she's turning out just like her father she's only got her father's influence so of course she's lying and of course she's going to continue to become her father and we're going to be doing forever right when in all actuality client couldn't see and makes sense why she couldn't because she's she's in that other fear right she couldn't see that that time spent with her was actually reality for the both of them because it happened that story that

the daughter had told her mom was reality for her at the time she wanted that to be her reality maybe there was a reason why she wanted that to be her reality so maybe Mom and this is not no disrespect or anything towards mom mom did beautifully it makes sense why she would feel like offended because she's really labeling it all as this is all coming from her father it's all like got a evil intent not on her daughter's part but this is all because of her father and so she's going to see that everything that daughter does even the mistakes as coming from a misguided ill-intended place just like I was with my daughter but she also couldn't see that possibly like this story that she

was telling her mom she really wanted to be true and she felt a disconnect between the person that she wants to be the experiences that she wants to have and her own self and that maybe she doesn't feel so good about herself and so telling that story feels like the better more pleasing option right where daughter was really just trying to please Mom maybe I'm just assuming I'm just I'm just making assumptions I'm just giving alternate scenarios so daughter wants to please her mom she gives her this story and then maybe she feels like oh okay maybe I'll be accepted not to say that Mom is ever doing anything bad or or trying to reprimand her daughter for being whoever

she is I'm sure Mom has actually been very accepting and loving with her daughter right actually this is proof to show that someone else's actions like in this case her daughter's has really nothing to do with the person who was receiving those actions or present for those actions you know what I'm saying the daughter was telling this madeup story to mom well we think is a madeup story we're not even sure but telling this story to Mom in in in the reality that she might have wanted to live it might not have had anything to do with just trying to lie to Mom this may actually be her daughter's way of reaching out and trying to connect with her mom and thinks that that's the way

that her mom wants to receive her it could possibly be just a miscommunication between the two of them and I think we all do this especially when it comes to parents and children because children always even in their alienated State they really do always want others to receive them well they want to know that that they're pleasing to especially the parents even if alienated it's just a fact it's just the way the kids are the way that their DNA is they don't want to feel rejected or know that there's a chance of rejection and so if they're telling stories most of the time it's because they're maybe that's what they want or maybe they there's another self-worth thing

going on but it makes sense it makes sense that we as parents many times we will make assumptions that what their story the lie that they're telling must mean something bad and then so what do we do we turn around and we micromanage them right and try to get them to behave in certain ways so that they have the life that you want for them and this all ends up backfiring coming from that place of fear and not managing your mind around the thoughts that causing you fear cause all these other distortions and end up only pushing them away further in the end make sense here's another one and then I'm going to shut up so let me just say two I didn't say this making assumptions and that uh

cognitive distortion we do it two different ways we either mind read when we pretend to know or we think that we know exactly how somebody else is going to behave oh they're just going to reject me they're just going to do what they always do and they're going to call me names and tell me I'm this and blah blah blah I had another client tell me this morning um the reason I'm not going to drop off the birthday cter I forget what she was doing this time but I'm not going is because I don't want to get kicked in the face now that was a little bit catastrophizing because client never actually got kicked in the face funny not funny um there there was an incident at the house the last time that she

actually saw her son which was a year and a half ago but it had nothing to do with anybody kicking anybody in the face or anywhere really for that matter so she had already read his mind knew in her mind was convinced that he was going to quote unquote kick her in the face reject her and so she was already not going to do it right she'd already mind R for and told which is also what we do jumped to all the conclusion catastrophized label the whole potential visit to go over there as not a good idea it's not going to happen it would have sucked anyway and just basically cut herself off before she even tried so you see how all of these distortions work against you and

cause you to feel separated from your children but not only feel it but also sometimes in the case where you still have contact with them really be separated from your children even while they're smack in front of you you know so when you're fortune telling it's basically the same thing as mind reading except for word predicting events usually usually we will fortun tell sort of like this event that just happened with didn't happen with my client because we're trying to avoid some discomfort for our own selves right I don't want to be quote unquote kicked in the face by by my son I don't want to be rejected I hear parents like you and I do this all the time why even bother

this is another this is um there's so many of these distortions that are intermingle and get intertwined with each other why even bother this is the discounting the positive it won't work anyway history has already shown every time I do it they reject me and I'm not suggesting that you go keep beating your head up against a wall keep going in only to take more but to my point that I've made many times recently is that the only thing that you really have to endure is the story that's going on in your brain the only thing you ever have to endure aside from if there's any physical abuse or something happening where somebody is being violent right and that's a situation where you can

take yourself out of it you draw bandry and you get out or you call the police or you do whatever work of course um not considering that for this but all the other things the only thing that we ever have to endure is our own thinking about whatever's happening so she I explained to this client now I've got to stop after this but I explained to this client today who was knock going to go see her son as she had planned to drop off a birthday card I said you know I see this as an opportunity for you and she said what do you mean I said what what are you afraid of well I'm scared he's going to reject me I don't know how I would react if he told me to leave again and I was like what would you do

she was like I would just tell him to stop and I said and yes and if this were to happen and he were to reject you we don't even know if that's going to happen you could look at this like this is an opportunity for me to to to show him strength to show him love unconditional love right and say something like listen I I you may not like what I'm getting ready to say but I does seem like you're hurting so much and I just want to let you know and I will always take every opportunity I see to tell you how much I love you I always love you and I always will no matter what and then that walk away you know and so that not only overcomes your maybe crippling fear of being rejected

right like that's the ultimate D I'm going to be rejected right catastrophizing and instead you can take that I'm going to be rejected oh my gosh that's fear and turn that into this is an opportunity for me to show them just how much I love them how like no matter what without conditions I will continue to show love and I will continue to look for ways to show love you know no matter what you don't have to love me you don't have to tell me you love me you don't have to hug me you can tell me to leave and so long as you're not hurting me I'm just going to keep telling you how much I love you and I will leave now you know I will respect her wishes and I will

leave her son is 19 so it really depends on what um place you're in and how old your children are and how long it's been but anyway the whole point of all of this is just to say that there's so many times where I think we cut ourselves off so quickly and out of fear because we're like that's not going to work that's not going to work that's not going to work they've already shot me down so many times so what so what if they've shot you down this is if you're trying right it's okay if they've shot you down or you can if you want to be okay with that you can come to be okay with it the only thing that a lot of times people really have the trouble addressing with that or

overcoming with that is yeah of course there's the core pain right but then there's this ego like they can't shoot me down they can't be disrespectful but again nobody can disrespect you if you don't feel disrespected if you don't have a story in your head that says I'm being disrespected you know if you're wanting to teach your kid how to be not be an [ __ ] right that's one thing but if you're trying to build up resilience for yourselves and model to them what unconditional love looks like then that's when we let go of being offended by all the things right because they're just everything that they are they're saying and doing and their hurtful ways the what you perceive as hurtful is

really their hurt coming out and I know that you know that just as you know probably everything that I say but like knowing it and then actually implementing it practicing it in your everyday life noticing where it's coming up for you in your everyday life is really where the magic begins to happen you know so just to give you a quick overview it was being too positive and not allowing for them to have disappointments and to feel anger or sadness or whatever for their everyday events whatever's going on with them and just being able to sit with them allowing for them to be whoever they are show up as whoever they are emotional reasoning you're basing all of reality

on your own internal emotions right it must be I feel therefore it must be blah blah blah with one it's a good idea to poke some holes in your stories how could it be the opposite of that like let's say I I feel anxious today that means something bad's going to happen how might it be that if I feel anxious today keeping that emotion there that the best thing is going to happen because in all reality anxiety and excitement actually are the same emotion like they feel the same inside your body so it could actually be that I just happened to Pi picked that one but it was a good one so how could the opposite be true for that should statements shouldn't statements again question what might be

if a different person were in the situation or if you were to take huge step over to the left or to the right and how it looks okay micromanaging asking yourself how important is this what is the effect that I want to have what is the result that I want to have if it's coming from a fear just like give yourself a little pause there ask yourself instead how can I support them how can I be with them during whatever it is that you say that they need to do like how can I not manipulate them that's different how can I meet them where they're at um labeling I mean we just basically talked through all that labeling and and making assumptions catastrophizing loosen your grip on your

tendency to label in order because when you do it it's your subconscious way of trying to calm you down and make sense of things but maybe maybe things don't need to be made sense of and in fact I like to say always more will be revealed more information is going to come in I don't need to know exactly what this means right now maybe it just is it's not black or white it's not splitting it's not putting it into one box and shutting myself off from all the other possibilities because when you label you end up cutting off off all of your curiosity and ability to problem solve you've already you've labeled it put it in a box closed it up all done so just considering how it might be okay without

the label on it and then catastrophizing consider how the opposite might be true or how different realities like I like to flip things pretty radically like if I say a statement I want to try to figure out how either I'm being the way that I'm assuming or that like the opposite is true in a really radical and fun sort of way they're being that way my kid is being that way because my ex is trying to control them right and I could be like well I'm being that way because I'm trying to control them that's true in that situation it probably is you know they're being that way because they're trying to control me maybe you could all the all the different ways flip it on its head and see how it might

be true for you or whatever okay so that's it now as far as that was much longer than I thought it was going to be of course um as far as the new theme what we're going to do moving forward if you have stayed this long then it must mean that you actually are interested I have a poll for you to fill out I'm actually going to do it on the Spotify like if you're on the episode if you're watching on Spotify or listening to Spotify there is a poll on the episode I have a course that I've designed and it's basically I haven't fully named it yet but it's basically a survival guide for alienated parents right and so I was going to make it into smaller little courses and I decided

nope I'm going to do the full course it's going to be dripped over a certain period of time the material's been written I've been putting bells and whistles on it but I I want to make sure before I put it out there in whatever format I want to make sure that y'all there is enough interest in one of the two wayes the choices are to offer this course in small group coaching cohorts to go through and we will do like um it's the the course and like a eight-week program probably like so we would have the course we would meet once a week for a live class and then we would meet a second time during the week for coaching call group coaching call and then also there would be a community

for you guys to interact with and build a some comaraderie with yall you parents together and that of course it's a bit more of a handson I'm with you walking you through it giving you a lot of Direction you're getting direct coaching basically like one on-one coaching in a group atmosphere you don't have to be coached in a group atmosphere if you don't want just the option is there and then there's um you know also the live class there's more access there's more help right assistance and accountability if you will everybody with you is doing the course together and it's just it's more of a a community atmosphere the second option would be to make this course the same course be self-study all

of the material is all like the videos would all be recorded So it's just selfstudy you go at your own pace and so obviously this one is not going to have as much the accountability is not going to be there in the the camaraderie the that the community feature of it will not be as much however with that one I'm thinking about offering so you get the course with either of them right or the group coaching however we do it with either of them there's a weekly group coaching call that you have from now until however long the the program is up and running and flying right so forever you have group coaching once a week okay with either program one of them obviously is going to be less expensive

than the other one but I would encourage you too I just want to say because to me it makes no difference I just want to I really love the interacting with y'all so I of course I would rather have the lives of the cohorts but otherwise it's it's six and one half a dozen and the other the way that I have it I would encourage you to I I do have payment plans so if you think if money is the problem like the only reason that you wouldn't do the group coaching one or do either of them at all then I would encourage you to this is like something that will you will it will change your life I have I need to get him up there on that on a web page or something too I

have so many uh testimonials from other parents that have gone through my one-on-one coaching and also the the membership too parents that have said over and over how this work has been so significant and instrumental and changing the way that they move about their lives and how they interact with their kiddos and I have other parents that I'm not I don't can't take credit for any of it because it's the parents that are doing the work but because of this work they have successfully ring it with their kids so I think it's just a tool this work if you want it and money is the the the thing that's standing in your way where there's a will there's a way number one but I always make I mean I

way go under shoot and and and always try to make my the costs low so that y'all can access this I never want you guys to feel and that's why I provide this free resource for you guys you know um for as far as the weekly podcast free so I'll always do that so I want to make sure that everybody has has resources but if it's something that you know that you really want I would encourage you to I will help you to figure it out you know I I also know too that things that are given to people it's just there's all the data out there to show that you the people that are given the things perform lower than the ones that are paying for it so I want to make sure that I am doing you a solid doing all of

the whole Community too I want to make sure that the the solution that I come up with is one where you it it's working in the best possible way for your ultimate best does that make sense so I don't want to sell you short when I know that all of you too can we can all you can figured out but um I do offer payment plans and there's uh clar not and all the other things on the on there too but yeah so back to what I was saying is that if you do want it if if you have a preference in how it's delivered to you um let me know on the the the Spotify poll that is for this episode and also I'm going to put in the show notes a web page that you can go to and click one of the two and then also

it I'll just ask for your email trust me the people that are on my email list know that I it is a rare occasion that I send an email out these days so don't worry I won't be spamming you but if you want more information on it um then you fill out and that way I can just let you know when it's launching okay because I do want to get that out I want to start it in the next eight weeks really I really want to start it sooner but um I think that's more realistic to get everybody again so let me know do you want a group coaching that was a long way to say do you want group coaching or do you want um self-study more access less access okay all right you guys bye