7 Skills You Need to Communicate Effectively w/ Your Kids for Alienated Parents

Hey y'all. What's happening? So, we are going to talk today about um communication skills. Basically, I want to give you something practical and simple that you can actually use in your next interaction with your child. Whether we're talking about your adult child or you're talking about your children, children under 18, even toddlers, um as long as they can understand you, you guys can have a conversation, you can use these tools. We're going to talk about seven skills that you need to develop to communicate effectively with your kids as an alienated parent. These are not magic wands. None of them are. But they are ways of showing up that help your child's nervous system feel safer with

you over the long haul. Okay? I'm going to keep this today short and to the point. That's the that's the objective here anyway. So that you can take what lands for you and start practicing it right away. Also, if you are watching on YouTube or Spotify, notice as you listen, you can if you like which one of these areas that you struggle with the most and then comment below because I will be happy to elaborate on each and every one of these if you guys like in separate episodes, upcoming episodes. So you could either comment with the number, you know, I'm going one through seven, which by the way, they're not in order. It's no particular order whatsoever. Or you can

comment with the skill itself. So number one is to be regulated to regulate yourself emotionally. So listen, it makes sense that you feel activated. This is your child. You know, when they show you signs of rejection, like they're rejecting you, or they say things to you that sound either borrowed or out of character, your the first humanly instinct, of course, is to be coming from fear, is to want to stop the behavior or their belief. It makes sense. I remember I can remember many occasions when my daughter was itty bitty where she would say something and it sounded out of character. didn't even sound like something that she would ever say, especially as a toddler, you know.

Uh words that were a little bit too adult for her. And um I just remember wanting to like not pounce on her, not hurt her, but pounce on her and be like, "No, that's not that's not what's going on here." You know, but doing that only causes more of a rift in them because now they're getting mixed messages from both homes and it already starts to feel unsafe for them. Okay? And this actually what I'm just saying right now applies to more than just this regulation part. It applies to a a few of the other skills too. your child is already tasked with the job of regulating, emotionally regulating the other parent, right? We know this because alienation wouldn't be

happening and they wouldn't be using our children as weapons if they could regulate their own emotions. And so your child is already learning way early on depending on when the alienation started for you before they can even regulate their own emotions that they have to do it for the other parent. And so then two, if you're not regulated by way of like you coming in hot, you anxious, being defensive, desperate, right? needing them in your ways, maybe seemingly more innocent on our part, but still we're needing our child to behave certain ways so that we can feel certain ways. Their system goes into overdrive. It confirms their belief that they have to be the emotional adult again. So,

it's really important to provide for yourself whatever it is that you need for you in order to feel certain ways. You provide that for yourself. You be your own rock and then you give out, right? Then you provide for your kid, of course, and then you're emotionally stable for them. Um, and then you can be the one that's actually modeling that for them for their own growing up to be a a responsible, beautiful person, adult living in the world. You know, you're showing them that you're demonstrating what it looks like to regulate emotions, not by way of telling them that they need to regulate their own emotions, but by showing them. Okay? So being regulated does not mean that you feel

amazing or that you always act perfectly, right? It means that you've taken a minute to breathe, to ground, to check in with yourself before you call, before you text, or before you walk into the room. You might simply pause and ask yourself, "Am I about to speak from fear or from care? What is my objective here?" Of course, then wait until you can speak from care. A regulated parent is a safe parent and safety is the foundation for any effective communication with anyone. All right? So, it's so important to be regulated before you go in. Not to mention the fact that if you are already regulated and feeling stable yourself before you go in and what I just said that I don't

mean that to be disregulated doesn't mean that you're always unstable. That's that's not what I'm saying here at all. But to be regulated and know how to solve for your own emotional highs and lows in the moment means that you can be their rock. Of course, you're going to go through a roller coaster of emotions dealing with what we're dealing with. That makes sense, but knowing that you can also bring yourself back to a baseline is super important. Okay. Number two is to be empathetic. This is kind of an obvious one, but do not try and get them to see your side. Your objective, and I mean this with all the love I've got in my heart when I say this, your objective

is to provide for them, not to get them to understand you. You are the parent. You know, they need and crave safety and structure. They also believe that to open up to you is a direct attack on the other parent. This is just part of this dynamic, alienation dynamic. As you know, they're in a loyalty conflict. Their loyalty lies with the other parent, the alienating parent, because in their minds, they need the regulation and also they seem stronger. They've made the attacks. It depends for each person, but they know that you, like Dorsey Pruder always says, you're the chosen parent, right? We're the chosen parents because they know that we will love them unconditionally no matter

what. That we're going to be here for them where they don't necessarily feel that way. It's not being shown to them that it's going to be that way on the other side of things. They're reaching and trying for their love. That's usually the case with alienation anyway. So, like I said, they believe that to open up to you is a direct attack on the other parent. They truly believe that. And I remember this from when I was a kid, too. I thought that if I was nice to the other parent, whichever one, that either I was going to get in trouble or that wasn't in line what I was doing, that I was betraying the other parent, I couldn't think clearly about the fact that both parents loved me. That just it

wasn't where I was at because I was in survival mode. You know, I lived in survival mode and that's what our children are doing for the better part of my childhood. I was living unconsciously, which most kids do pretty much live unconsciously. We are they're learning, right? They're learning how to they're co-regulating at this point. That's what they should be doing anyway, is co-regulating with their parents or other adults, whoever's taking care of them. And in our situations, of course, and our children's situations, this is not the case. They have a lot of pressure on them. They also believe that being rude to you, so this is where the empathy comes in. They believe that

being rude to you is an act of loyalty to the alienating parent. And I remember this like it was yesterday. I remember knowing that I would get points, if you will, by making wise cracks and jokes about the other parent in the alien, both of them kind of alienated, but in one of their presents, right? They would get a chuckle out of it. I would please them and it would make me feel loved. It was went into my reward system. I was like, "Oh, great. They laughed at that. I got the love. I got the reward. I got the favor." So, they they truly believe that each time they're being rude to you that even though the other parent might not be there, that they can go back and

they can either tell them or they feel it, like I said, it hits their reward system and little dopamine adrenaline releases and they feel like they've done good. And so it's something for you to like look at maybe understand instead of thinking that it's all about you that it yes, you know, you've heard me say before that yes, it may affect you personally, but this is not about you personally. This is about their dynamic and the fact that alienating parent has brought them up to be on the same level as you or higher than you. Actually, they're in the parent role now. And so though they act like they like it, most children do act like this is great. I don't have any rules and I get to do

what I want if that's the case. Sometimes it goes the other way. But either way, because they're up in the the authority role over you, it feels they say that it feels good and they like the freedom, but no kid actually does because what they crave is structure and safety. What I'm saying here is that don't take their defiance personally. This is how they stay in safe mode temporarily anyway. The other parent created the rift between you now. If they don't stay in their good greases, then who do they have? They may not say it like this with words. Most of the time they don't they don't have words for this. I didn't have words for this. But the reason that

they're upholding this loyalty contract is because without the other parent, then who do they have? Because they've already shunned you and they have to continue to shun you in order to stay in the good graces to please them. So listen with an open heart and filter through the anger is what I've got written here to find what their needs are, what they're trying to communicate to you about their needs. Okay? find the little windows, glimpses of hope or opportunity for you to connect with them. I'm not sure if I just said this a second ago, but they're most likely operating in survival mode. That means that logic, debate, and proving your case will almost always backfire. They

can't process a child cannot when they're activated. Well, really anybody, especially though as a child because like I said a minute ago is before they can actually regulate their own emotions. We are supposed to be there in order to co-regulate with them to teach them model to them how to how to regulate, right? But if they're not getting that over the other house, then we have to be the ones. Well, I mean, I guess we don't have to. You could choose not to, but you know what I'm saying. When you debate them, when you argue with them, want to bargain with them, do all that sort of stuff, that feels like pressure and danger for them. They already feel unsafe. Empathy here means

I'm trying to understand what this feels like for you. Even if I don't agree with how you're behaving, I want to understand you. I want to hear you. I love you no matter what. You are good enough. You will always will be good enough. you are perfectly made and I love you no matter what. And I also don't like how you're behaving. You can be real with them, but be real with them coming from a place of care, empathy, and compassion. Okay? So, and not needing them to change a thing about how they're behaving or how they are, unless of course they're putting you in danger. When they lash out, you might say something like, "You sound really angry." When someone's angry, it

usually means they're hurt. Is there something that you feel hurt about right now? That's one way. Another example, one that I gave to my client the other day. He's a new client and um is worried about a future blow up. He's going to see his kiddos in about a week and he's worried that it will blow up the way that it did before a year ago. And I'm going to talk about this further in a minute, but you can say something like if they blow up, let's say they say, "I'm mad at you, blah, blah, blah. I completely understand why you're feeling this way." I would probably feel very similar if I was believing that blink blank blank. It makes sense. I would also feel hurt if I thought that

my parent didn't love me. That's an awful feeling. I am so sorry that you're feeling that way. So sorry that you're believing that. Can I help you here? But don't try to convince them. Just acknowledge their emotions and acknowledge. It's really important. I think I I haven't heard any other professional saying this, especially when it comes to alienation, but this is my feeling. If you guys, if you listen to me before, I'm really big on making the distinction between what is fact, not with them. But for everybody, what is fact? What is your thought about the fact, your story about the fact, and what your emotions are? Three entirely separate things. People often mix all of

those three things up. When I ask somebody how they're feeling, they give me all of these like run-on sentence of things that they think, assessments, judgments of a situation, but those are all their thoughts, their beliefs. And a feeling is a one-word descriptor of the vibrations going on inside. So you can teach this to your children. I think it's the most invaluable tool to teach them the difference in conversation between their feelings and their thoughts, beliefs. Okay. So that like I said, I would also feel angry if I believed that my mom or father did not love me or if I believed that they um didn't want to pay for my college or something, you know, say it like that.

That's their thought, their belief and their emotion separate. Okay? So, this works because you're not endorsing the story that they've been given about you. You're attuning to their internal world, which is how you slowly re rebuild trust in your bond. All right. So, number three is be confident. Confidence does not mean dominance. It means standing in your worth quietly, not needing to squawk and tell everybody you want to stand in your worth without pleading, without explaining, without negotiating. No bulldozing, no begging, none of that. Debating with your child or trying to convince them strengthens the distorted dynamic where they feel in charge like I

was talking about in the last one. Okay? when you plead, when you argue, when you overexlain, you accidentally reinforce what the alien alienation dynamic has already done. So instead of saying, "Please just listen to my side," confidence sounds like, "You don't have to agree with me. I love you and I'm here for you." That's one way. Or I'm your parent. My job is to care for you, not to convince you. Or you could, again, you don't have to agree with me. I love you regardless. Selfrespect teaches respect. When you respect yourself, your child senses that stability beneath the noise. Okay, this is really important. If you are craving respect from your child, they don't

respect me. They're always disrespecting me. I need them to to respect me. You don't need them to respect you. It is a lie. And I mean that with love. But that is a lie that you might be telling yourself if this is you. You don't need them to to respect you. If you are craving respect, then you show you respect. Okay? I'm pointing at me. I mean you. you show you respect and that energy will transfer over to like with them and your interactions with them and even when they're not around you respecting you will speak volumes even through your texts or your you know non-verbal communication or um via email whatever it is you respecting you if you're creating respect then look at how you're

treating yourself this so important and that goes for anything that you think that you're needing from anyone, any relationship you have. If you think that somebody needs to behave a certain way for you to feel a certain way, that goes back up to regulation. Like you regulating your own emotional state, anytime you're believing that you need someone else to act a certain way, ask yourself how you can supply that for you. It will, it's a lifecher. It's a game changer. When I started doing that, it was amazing how quickly not only did my self-love grow because I was pouring into me. Oh, I'm saying that that this person needs to do this in order for me to feel happy, uh,

at peace, whatever it is. When I started supplying that for myself, then no longer did I need them to do it, which left me less needy, but then also I became more self-reliant in a good way. I became less reactive, less victimized because I was already supplying it for myself. I wasn't looking outside of me to for other people to complete me. So you don't need your child to respect you. You showing that you respect you will teach them not only to respect you but also to respect themselves and to will you modeling this because they may not be getting it. I mean, the probability, you know, is probably low that they're getting this demonstrated over at the other house. Okay, no

disrespect, just saying. So, you demonstrating this and being the source for them, even if they don't show you that they're listening or watching or taking it in because they won't, that's okay. You just keep demonstrating and showing up because you're a parent. You're the one that gives and gifts and gifts and shows and gifts to yourself, too. So you being confident in you and your capability and what your message is, the whatever message you're sharing to them, you being confident in that message is regulating for them whether again whether they show it or not even if their words say otherwise. Okay, that is regulating for them. This is where so many kids going through alienation,

pre-teens, um I mean even younger you guys, even in toddlers when you are not confident. I there's a mom that lives down the street from me who they are recently divorced and she's got two girls. They're adorable girls, but they run over her. And I watch as she is not confident on for the most part. She's confident in some areas, but when it comes to her parenting skills, she's not and she doesn't have much follow through. And so the kids do whatever they want. And it always kills me because I won't say anything. Of course, you know, it would be unsolicited, but it always kills me to watch because this is also disregulating or unregulating, however you want to say it, for those

kiddos because now they're in the parent role while they're with her when she is not confident in her ability to parent. And she's such a great loving loving mom. Yet, she doesn't want to be overbearing. She's got a judgment on herself and that judgment shows through and the kids take advantage of it. Again, they're not meaning to. They're just also in a lowlevel loyalty conflict and it shows up and it's doing no favors to those kids, you know. So anyway, it's regulating for them for you to step into your authority, calm inner authority. All right. All right. Number four, be interested, curious. This is one that so many parents avoid because they're afraid.

Y'all are afraid, whoever is afraid of the push back, cold responses, eye rolls, or a huge blow up. What I mean is earlier I said my client who was scared of his three kids he's going to see having a blow up with them if he asks them any questions, you know, or is open to hearing about their objections or whatever. And I was explaining to him that actually you don't have to be afraid of a blowup if you don't want. They can blow up. In fact, you could welcome it and not also blow up or feel like you're going to blow up on the inside. You can create a safe space for them to blow up because that's exactly what you're there for is to be curious and be open. I'm not saying to um you

know give them a barrage of questions. I'm saying if and when they're expressing some displeasure or upset, they're upset in some way, allow them to be upset. It's okay. And you can get curious with them about their feelings, what they're thinking, what they're believing that's causing them to feel upset or whatever it is that's going on for them. You don't have to also blow up or fear that it's going to escalate so long as you are providing the safe space for them to land. Does that make sense? So, curiosity communicates you matter to me no matter how you are, no matter how you're feeling or what you're believing. I care about you and I care about your experience. I want to

know about it no matter what we're talking about actually. So instead of only checking in on grades or logistics, you can ask them open-ended, low pressure questions like, "What was something funny that happened at school last week?" I used to ask my kid, and actually my clients said exactly what I used to ask my kid all the time. I used to always ask her if I hadn't seen her for a week or even actually her days she'd come home from school with me, you know, and I had her for the week or whatever, what was your favorite thing about today? What was your least favorite thing about today? What was the most memorable? What was, you know, all those kinds of questions, right? What was

something funny? Who who are you loving right now in class? Like who is your favorite person to hang out with? Who's your least favorite person? Why for all of those? Why? Tell me more. I want to know, you know, like tell me everything. And it doesn't have to be pressurey. It could just be in that way that you are their biggest fan. You want to know. And if they don't answer and if they shut you down, that is okay. That's not a fail. It's never a fail if you continue to show up with an open heart and a curious, fascinated attitude mindset. You just want to know all the things about them. And if they choose to tell you, great. If they don't, that's also great because then you've already shown

them, demonstrated to them that you are there for them. Trust me, it does not go unnoticed. So no matter what, it's always a success so long as you're showing up in love and you're demonstrating, speaking love, care to them. Another way you can do this is what are you into right now? What's been feeling hard for you lately? What's been so easy it's ridiculous lately? What do you want to get into? You know, just like what everyday questions. The point is for you to show up for them. You are playing the lone game. They are tracking that you're still showing up that you're interested and you're not demanding closeness on your timeline. That's where we get things get a little funky is when

you're upset because they're not behaving loving towards you. like they're not wanting to hold your hand or wanting to sit with you to watch like right next to you to watch whatever movie that may not feel safe to them right now and that is okay. You being parent is just allowing it all to be okay. Just meeting them where they're at. You showing them love and leading the way. Letting them know what their options are and that it's okay in your house if they do want to show you love. You don't have to say it like that, but you support them no matter what. All right. So, number five. As Ted Lasso would say, be like a goldfish with a little baby number but a huge

heart. Your child may drag yesterday's argument into today's conversation. The alienating parent might keep reactivating old stories and resentments or fabricating the majority of stories. They usually have a little sliver of truth they put in there and then they fabricate the rest. Let them you get to choose to not carry grudges into each interaction which is really important. Have a memory like a goldfish. They forget they have the shortest memory I think about in the animal kingdom. I don't know. I think I'm mostly believing that because of Ted Lasso but you get the picture. You know it's just what happened before. Let that be in before. I always talk about or I often talk

about that you do not want to create your future based on what happened and what you created yesterday and in your past. Because if you if you use your past to create your future, you will keep creating the same past in your present and in your future over and over and over again. You have to start thinking new to create new. Okay? And this goes for your kiddos, too. All your relationships. So, you get to choose to not carry grudges into each new interaction. If they bring up last week's explosion, you might respond with, "Yeah, that was a hard day, right? I'm willing to talk about it if you want, but I'd like to focus on how we can connect now today, but I'm happy to

talk about it. In the end though, my focus is how we can use that even to connect today. This isn't you erasing or bypassing any sort of pain for them or trying to stay in denial or whatever, whatever. It's you refusing to let every single reaction be filtered through past hurt like I was just kind of talking about. So, next is be accountable and use enforceable language. So, you want to be accountable to you Okay. Not being accountable to them because they're not the parent. You want to be accountable to you, for you, and actually for them, too. But that's not really your focus here. Um, accountability is not I'm going to agree with everything I'm accused of. It's I'm

responsible for my behavior, my tone, my boundaries, and my follow-through. And when I say boundaries, boundaries are for you not to set something on somebody else to control them. As I know I probably every time I say the word boundary, I give that little PSA afterwards. Boundaries aren't to control other people. They're for you. They're actually boundaries are truly to create set a relationship up your side of the relationship up anyway for expanding love to create loving environments to to let people know let yourself know and state that out loud if you even state it out loud what you you can handle right now and what you will do afterwards. But anyway, that's not what we're talking

about now. So, um, it's I'm responsible for my tone, my boundaries, and my follow through. Enforcable language focuses on what you will do rather than trying to control what your child does. As I was just kind of talking about, it sounds like in this home, this is what I allow. Okay? Instead of you have to do this because I said so, which is like the traditional way of looking at things. And it just usually doesn't work, especially when we're talking about a loyalty conflict. So, I'm going to give you some scenarios for this one. because this is one of the the areas that parents have a hard time with. Um the first one is one of the most common questions I get which is your child

refuses to participate in a family event. If your child refuses to join whatever sort of gathering instead of lecturing or guilting you might say now there's a there's so many different specific scenarios in this scenario considerations. I guess there's so many specific considerations that um I can't obviously what I'm sharing right here is not going to always apply straight to you directly to you. You are welcome if you already haven't had one. You can schedule a clarity call with me and I'm happy to go over scenarios that fit your situation specifically. But anyway, I'm going to give these and of course just then alter them for your own situation. But your your child refuses to go to a

family gathering. Instead of lecturing or guilting, you might say, "I adhere that you don't want to come." That is your choice. If if this is what you believe anyway, this is one way. I'll be going and I'll be home around 8. Obviously, depending on how old they are, we can talk then if you like. Or you're welcome to stay home. This is another stay home. I'm going to give you a different one, too. When you stay home, you'll need to be here without screens while we're gone. Okay? No screens for you while we're gone. when we get back or when I get back, we can decide what happens next. Fine. If you want to go home, if that's your your terms, then these are my terms, too. And

that's not transactional. It's just like, okay, that can happen. And here's what I need from you. Um, if your kid is younger than that and they can't obviously stay home alone, you can choose to, and I would just do this ahead of time, have in mind, if you already know that this is an issue, like I have a client right now with her girls that this is becoming a thing and they are still young. They're probably too young to um stay home alone, you know. So, I don't know. I don't want to say what that age is because it just depends family by family, parent by parent. But um that's when you can already have in mind is there somewhere else that you can put your child for however long

you're going to whatever event it is. If you don't want to go, then I will arrange for you to go to Taran. I don't even know who that is, but Taran's house. You can stay there for the three hours that we're going to be at this event, and I'll come pick you up afterwards. I will be there at, you know, promptly at this time. We can talk about where we want to go from there. However you want to do it. You could just have some ideas and solutions for what happens when they decide they're going to blow up because you want to give them some agency because you obviously we're all raising our kids to have agency and be responsible, productive, members of society, right? And so you could go into

the fight and be like, "No, they're going to do what I say." You know, but that's also it's not going to get you anywhere when we're dealing with what we're dealing with, okay? Where the other parent is either counterparing or they're doing they're taking advantage of whatever it is that you're doing at your house, they're doing the opposite. You know how it goes. Or they're using it against you or whatever. So, if you can provide solutions and provide choices to your kids, have them choose between two things. That's always the best way to go because then at least you're not telling them no, no, no, no, I'm not. And I'm going to get into more scenarios here in a second, but you're

giving them choices. So notice the focus here with the last couple examples I just gave you. You're clear about what you are doing and what is allowed without chasing, shaming, debating. It's just I hear that you don't want to come. That's your choice. That's fine. I'll be going and I'll be home around 8. Okay? or you can stay home, but there will not be any devices. There won't be any screens. If you're cool with that, if you want to still stay home, great. We can talk about getting your device back when we get home. Okay? You're still in the parent role here. Refusing homework or responsibilities is another one. You might say, "You're welcome to use your phone after your homework is

finished." That's how it works here. That's how I run it. Okay? no argument. You could just either walk away or just smile confidently and let it be. Let them if they're going to throw whatever happens, their reaction, their response, let them, you know, unless of course they're again being disrespectful and that's when you can address that. So this one's about refusing responsibilities. Okay. So I drive kids who are on time. I will be leaving at 7:45. If you're not ready, we'll talk about another plan. And you can have a backup plan ready. You want to make sure that you're talking about what you can do. And you want to also make sure it's something that you are going to back up

and enforce. You don't want to like make these claims that if you don't do this then you're not going when you know truly that you don't want to enforce that but you're just hoping that they'll just oblige do what you're asking them to do but then when you know push comes to shove they don't do it. So then you keep adjusting what the consequences are and so then they learn not to respect what you're saying because you're not respecting your own boundaries you know. Okay, for disrespectful or like defiant behavior, you can say, "I'll be happy to listen if they're yelling at you. I'll be happy to listen as soon as your voice and your body language is as calm as

mine is." Okay? I listen to people who are not yelling. I listen to children who are not yelling. Um, I provide electronics to children who treat them with respect. Another one is I will be glad to discuss this when we both can be respectful. Happy to talk with you about this. We can come up with a solution together. And in order to do that, we both have to be calm and respectful. How does that sound? Okay. So, for another thing with homework, you know, if they're refusing to do their homework or power struggle sort of thing or an argument, another thing that you can say is, "I'll be happy to help you with XYZ." whatever it is. I need help putting this together or

whatever it is. I'll be happy to help you do that as soon as your homework is finished. And then you say, "Would you like me to help you with that with the homework?" Right? Because maybe they're not doing their homework because they feel like it's too much, right? Depending on how old they are. I am happy to help you with that. Let's do it together. Look for all the the ways that you can be in on whatever they're doing and make it feel like teamwork because that's just aligning you with them and their needs which is always going to again even if they don't accept it you're offering and you're showing the interest and you're willing to participate in their lives which is I

think something that kids don't always get. you know, they feel like they don't have choices and that it's always on everybody else's terms. And so, if you just lay it out there on your terms, but still offering to show up in their world, it's encouraging. Makes them feel special and wanted and loved. Okay. The last scenario that I want to talk about is ignoring messages or refusing contact. Okay. So, for ongoing alienation where they don't respond, you might say, "I have a client that's going through this right now. I'll continue to text you on Sundays to check in. You don't have to reply, but I want you to know that I'm here. That's all. Like, this isn't about that. It has to be tip

for tat. You don't have to reply. I would love it if you replied, but you don't have to. I just want you to know I'm here. I'll stay consistent. I'll remain consistent because I know that that you don't say this, but you know that that's going to show them that you care, that you love them, and then no matter how they're behaving, you will continue to be there. That's what they need. That's the one thing that they fear from the other parent, and that's why they're having to to continue that loyalty contract. They fear that they'll lose that love. The the statements that I just gave you are clear, calm, enforcable on your part, right? you're standing in your role without trying to

control their reactions and that is deeply deeply regulating for them over time. They'll look back at that you not needing them to be anybody else be any way else you just wanting to continue to give and show how much you love them within boundaries too which creates safety for them. So number seven, the last one is be consistent with all of this. Okay, all of these you want to stay consistent and not just start them and stop and then start and then blow up and then stop because that is go going right back to number one, which is regulating yourself. Consistency is how your child's nervous system slowly starts to believe this parent really is who they say that they are. Who they say

that they are, right? Not what the alienating parent says and the other mom and dad or you know whoever says not what anybody says. I see them continually showing up as the same person no matter how I'm behaving with them. Consistency equals safety. Okay? So it's not about perfection. It's about showing up in a similar way again and again. regulated, empathetic, confident, curious, willing to reset, accountable, and using the same kinds of boundaries again and again. Doesn't mean you can't change your mind on certain things. It doesn't mean that you can't add or shift in the way that you show up like in areas, right? It just means that you are present, loving, and always

willing to be a part of their lives. Just like I was talking about a second ago with the last example. If you're say you're going to call every Sunday, then you call. This is something that I struggled with and I still, if I'm going to be honest with you, this is where sometimes I have to look at the big picture and I have to coach myself because I will tell myself, "Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because she doesn't care anyway." And so then I I'll talk myself out of doing something that I told myself already that I was going to do. And so I have to re up my own contract with myself about it. It's not about whether she cares like cares. What I mean is it's not

about whether she cares that I am doing it right. It's about me showing up for her. How she behaves, responds, reacts, it's okay. That is her prerogative. I am showing up for her because I'm the parent. And if I just continually do it. Now I do set um you know we were oh how do I want to say this? I don't have crazy demands on me. Number one my daughter is you know now in college but we don't have crazy demands on us many of us as far as time um after alienation or during alienation. Ever since uh completing the relationship with your exartner, you have been sharing time likely, right? So, you're not always on, but the times that you do choose, like choose them ahead of time. And whatever

you decide on, whatever regimen or schedule that you decide on, stick to it. Okay? If you say that you're going to call every Sunday, call every Sunday. Doesn't matter whether they answer. doesn't matter. I mean, it's up to you. I don't want to tell you what matters or doesn't matter. But I would offer that even if they tell you to f off or whatever, let them. That's not your part of the contract. That's their actions and they're separate from you. Don't let that take you off your objective, your mission to parent them consistently. Okay? They may have said f you last week and show up again this week. Keep doing it. Because if they know that f you is going to send you off, they're going to

do it because by telling you whatever they say to try to throw you off and stop coming. It creates that safety for them because they think that they're being loyal to the other parent, right? But by you continuing to show up, it shows them that you are inflapable. It doesn't matter what you say. My love is not conditional. I love you no matter what. And I'm going to keep showing you. And that doesn't mean that I need to disrespect myself. I'm talking about you, the parent. Doesn't mean that I need to waver or let you, the child, control the whole situation because that is not love. That's you not being confident in your own ability to parent and in your own ability to give love.

and also love yourself and all the things, right? Letting them run your show is not going to do them any favors for sure. And it's only reinforcing the dynamic of alienation by allowing them to run the show. If you like buckle, waiver, and let them tell you, let them uh call the shots, you truly are reinforcing all the alienation. Even though in the moment it feels like the path of least resistance and that's how you could at least just have some fun and some peace, you're not creating peace inside of them. It's the opposite of that. Okay? So, you can still hold your ground in a really loving and even fun way, playful way, without acting like some tyrant, without feeding into

whatever narrative that they have going on about you over at the other house. So, if you say you're going to call, like I already said, if you say you're going to call every Sunday, you call. If you say you're going to leave the event at 8, then you leave that event at 8. If you say you're going to step away when there's yelling, then you step away when there's yelling. Okay? Just always do follow through with whatever it is that you say you're gonna do. So say what you mean, mean what you say. Over time, the rep the repetition of doing that becomes safety for them. Again, your consistency is the container that holds all of the other six skills. Consistency is it was something for me

that I just thought that I couldn't do. like it was a character flaw, you know, but I learned that it's a skill. That's all it is. It's a skill. And so, I could just develop it by being aware and not telling myself that I wasn't consistent. Instead, my coach used to ask me, "Tell me ways that you are consistent. Tell me ways that you do follow through." Because I'm ADHD, right? And so, I used to think that I didn't follow through with anything. I don't follow through with anything. That's the problem with me. But I It's not true. I follow through with making my bed every morning. I brush my teeth consistently. I um shower these days. Back in the height of

my depression, I wasn't. But I when you start looking for ways that you are whatever you feel like you're not, then especially in the good areas like here, you know, with these skills, then your brain will go to work and try to find other ways that you can be in this case consistent. So yeah, don't tell yourself that you're not these things. These are all developable skills. All right. So, listen. Like I said, if any of these areas, I'm going to read them over to you real quick. So, it's be regulated. Regulate yourself. Be empathetic and understanding. Be confident. Be interested, curious them and their life, be like a goldfish, right? Let go of past hurts, past stories, blowups,

fears, whatever. And the fierce part you'll have to work on either with a coach or or or somebody on your own, but try not to bring those into the relationship, into your interactions with them. Okay? Be accountable. Use enforceable language. Those are together. Be accountable and use enforceable language. Be accountable to yourself and then hold them accountable is basically what that is. And then be consistent. Those are the seven areas that I think really will help you to improve. There are other areas too, but that's what we had time for today. But would really level up y'all your game, your um skills, your communication with your kiddo. And actually really anybody,

any relationship you have that is carrying some tension. Polishing up these skills will help you to show up in a way that feels good and creates safety in those relationships. Okay? All right, you guys. Have a lovely week and I will see you next week. Okay, bye. >> Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for byte-size clips and tips, be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram. See you next week.