Betrayal in Parental Alienation: How to Lessen It's Emotional Impact

You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 134. Stay tuned. Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you. Stay tuned. Hey y'all. So today we are going to talk about the very positive uplifting subject of betrayal. The experience of betrayal, feeling betrayed. This started because last week in the episode, I think one of the statements I said was something like

feeling betrayed. And then I corrected myself cuz I was like, "Wait a second. I don't even think Betrayed is an emotion. It is more of a perception." And that spurred me to sort of think about that after the episode. I'm like, is that an actual emotion or is it more of an experience that somebody has as a result, like a a response? And I'm going to stand by that that um that it is truly not necessarily an emotion, but sort of like how grace is like the umbrella and there's all these emotions that happen as a result of the perceived loss. There's like sadness and anger and disbelief. The same thing with betrayal. Betrayal is the perception of trust being broken. So, now that we know that,

I think it's important because all right, so maybe like two weeks ago, there's a there's a few things that go into this subject, but maybe a few weeks ago, I was driving in my car. I was driving down the road, and I always get notifications when I'm driving. It's like, my phone does the opposite of everybody else's phone. It's like, we know that you're driving, but usually you like to look at this app and this app and this app. Not funny. I know. I'm terrible. I at stop lightss and stuff I look. Anyway, I got this notification about some Bnee Brown video and I was like, "Oh, okay." You know, I'm always down to hear a little bit. And so then I went and clicked on it. No, I didn't

click on it. I saw it at the stoplight and then I kind of got a bad feeling in my stomach or not. Like I was just like a little bit shocked, disappointed, didn't understand because one of the titles to the video that I saw is I just had to go look it up. It's It says Bnee Brown, Toxic Bloodlines: Why Family can be the most dangerous. I don't follow this account or anything, but I kept getting notifications. Another one was what God does when a narcissist tries to destroy you. Bnee Brown. And then betrayed by blood. Why your family rejects you, the shocking truth. All of these different titles were popping up day after day and I was like, "What is this? Is this Bunny Brown selling out?"

Like, I was getting pissed about it over the days. I couldn't believe like why would she do clickbait like that? That just doesn't sound on brand for her, right? But I never clicked any of them because it turns me off, you know? Anyway, yesterday I was doing this deep dive and looking into betrayal and the experience of betrayal and I went to perplexity and I don't know if you guys know what perplexity is, but it's basically like an AI Google, right? And so I typed in what does Bnee Brown say about betrayal and up pops this video, this YouTube video from this account that just started a couple months ago. Why your family betrayed you, the shocking truth revealed. They're

indirect quotes taken out of context and then dissected, embellished, and elaborated on. So, the message sounded I listened to the whole thing. I wanted to turn it off like three different times cuz at first I was like, "This is what?" It was confusing to me because here it is Bnee Brown's voice. She's talking about betrayal and some of the stuff was legit. It was kind of like that sprinkled in truth. I have a friend that's on um Tik Tok and she sh her her hashtag that she always uses is sprinkled in truth like the best lies, you know, are sprinkled in some truth and then built off of those little baby bits sprinkles of truth, right? That's when people can get away with all the

things. But anyway, I'm not wanting to draw attention to that right now. The point is this video yesterday sounded legit because not only is it Bnee Brown's voice, but here she is talking about betrayal and using these bits and pieces of things that she said before or things like the things that she said before, but put in a context that actually could probably feel extremely validating for those looking to harbor resentment. Do you know what I'm saying? and harbor like gosh I when I say this a learned helplessness or victimhood victimization and I get it like 100% I could see how like I said I was almost tricked a few times listening to this video like I was just listening to it I

wasn't watching it cuz it was just images of puppies drinking water and I don't know it was weird but anyway there this this account's only been open for a few months and he's got like 12,000 followers or something like that. So clearly it's speaking to a lot of people. But this was my worry is that people are out there. Of course it's AI and I don't want to bring the whole attention to this episode about AI and what it can do and all the risks and blah blah blah. But I will say that if I was Bnee Brown, I would be lit up pissed because everything that she's worked to put out there, all of her content and her intellectual um work, hard work that she's put out

there for people to heal from is now being taken and used to sort of mislead people, keep people in a victimhood place potentially have them living a life or a period of time anyway thinking that they're getting free but realizing that they're still feeling a victim to or more victim to their childhood that they can't change. Do you know what I'm saying? So anyway, I mean, I could elaborate on the video, but like I said, it was just it was talking about betrayal and and most of this was about early childhood betrayal, which by the way, I will say is something completely different, more on the lines of like what our kids are experiencing than where I am going today. I want to talk

about as from adult forward. However, well, I'm going to wait to put that caveat in in just a minute, you guys. My back is killing me again today. So, that's why I'm standing. I mean, it's absolutely killing me. Did go get X-rays earlier this week, so we shall see. Where was I? So, I'm not yet going to get to the childhood experiences of betrayal right now. What I really want to focus on for us is your experience of betrayal when it comes to alienation. And maybe it happened before the alienation started. Of course, we've got romantic partner kind of betrayal, right? That's the most obvious one. But then also when we split from the person who's alienating our kids from us, a lot

of times there's this secondary loss. And I know I've kind of talked about that in some other episodes that we experience as a result of just splitting, right? People start to side with the alienating parent and the untreated narcissist type person. Usually usually um they will position themselves before the splits or as soon as they possibly can to have like an army of people, right, of support. And a lot of times the way that they do that is go direct hits to you and be friends or try to pull the people that are your support over to their side, leaving you with nothing, right? with no none of your existing support members. This was definitely a tactic my daughter's father and

stepmother began very early on. I mean, from the second we split really, but like as we started going to court and at that time when he was quote unquote losing the hearings, you know, and she was staying with me, um, he and his then girlfriend started emailing, calling, you know, from different email addresses. They'd make up email addresses and and basically infiltrate my people, right? My family, both of my parents, they made up emails with pseudo like my name or other people's names, respected people that were associated with my parents, you know, they just portray themselves to be other people, right? And so they tried that way. They also when I married the last guy, his

father was running for a political position in the state that they lived in. He was pretty public guy. And so my ex and his now wife, of course, emails, calls, regular snail mail, uh, letters to befriend my new husband's family, and they succeeded. My ex and my husband at the time's mom became besties. And so, I guess I want to illustrate that. I get it. If you're going through the drama or the chaos that the alienating parent and their people will create if they're successful even in the littlest way and family or friends start to go over to their side and question your loyalty, your integrity, your um honesty and all the things, it can feel really threatening, right? your all of the

safety alarms go off in your body and here you are in like a double triple stress response because not only are your children being excavated from your house now then all of your support group has gone over to that side so it can make you sort of question a reality and everything can be bull right so I I get it um I also had where my mom I know I've shared this story a couple times so I won't go into it fully Um, but my mom for a period of time there uh did go over to the dark side and I know why she did it. She did it because she wanted to have contact with her granddaughter, but she was not fully thinking that through. It's whatever it is right now. It doesn't I don't want to

make excuses for my mom. Um, we've sort of worked that out and she hasn't gone that way again. But I didn't speak to her for some years because of it. She um was communicating with my ex and his wife behind my back to the point where she was having my daughter come to her visit her for, you know, a week over the summer and that kind of thing without me even becoming aware of it. until after my my daughter left her house. Actually, there were some arguments started between her and I because I didn't understand what was going on and she was sort of lying or omitting the truth. And anyway, it was just became this big [ __ ] storm. So, there was like these little

side offenses, if you will, where she was lying to me about ever communicating with them. And so, she would start this fight and defensiveness and it just turned into this big mess. So, I felt betrayed on many levels, right? So hopefully that's making sense. The reason I'm being so vague is because I know I've talked about it before and I also don't want to sit here and tell war stories to you. You know, I get I and I know that a lot of you out there are experiencing betrayal on so many different levels. the feeling like your the the thoughts, the perception that those that you trusted the most have really let you down, you know. And so I guess I just want to say that not only

sort of how I I mentioned in the beginning, not only is that a natural human response, it's also just understandable, especially when we're talking about family members. Also, the other reason that this whole betrayal talk came up is cuz the other day I was out front and I was doing some weeding and in my brain, I don't know how this the the dialogue went to this, but maybe there was a Facebook notification or something of this girl. Her name was Cat. Her name is Cat, I think. Um, and she and I were pretty good friends. Um, our daughters were the same age. They went to especially in like their early early toddler years like they beat like cruiser toddler years actually from the

time that they were 10 months old um until right around my daughter's fourth birthday. They stopped really hanging out. They went to different schools but also because she um we spent a lot of time together. We spent like five days a week together really between she would take my classes at Lifetime Fitness and then we would do things with the girls over the weekends like oh and so she became somebody that I really trusted. She also was aware of all of the trouble that I was experiencing and all the trauma the drama that was going on as a result of splitting up from my ex. Now, she never really knew my ex, but she knew me very well. And also, anyway, we had a

history, right? I remember I was getting ready to compete in the figure competition, right? It's called Texas Shredder. It was my first one ever. And so, I trained for straight for 15 weeks and which is I think now probably 3 weeks too long. My point of this is towards the end I started to look a little uninched because also during that time was when my daughter started going that March and the competition was in April. My daughter started going over to her father's house more. He was on like a step up plan and so he would have all of spring break with her which was right before the competition, right? But then she also started going over there and spending the nights on Wednesday

overnight. This was, if you guys have heard any of my history about, you know, throughout, especially in the earlier episodes, this was the time when I started to crumble, when like I started to, in my mind, the pressure was coming on so strong that I didn't know what to do with myself. So I would go out drinking with friends while my daughter was gone on Wednesday nights and then for the weekends as opposed to just going on Saturday night. I didn't know what to do with myself and I also knew at the time that they were coming on really strong. They had already been contacting you know my family all the things and then there was a bunch of incidents that were happening. So there

was I was feeling very traumatized, very very shaky at that March, April time frame, right? Not to make excuses for me, but just to kind of give you an idea of what was going on. Cat was by me throughout the whole my whole training process, cheering me on. Like she came to the my first shout competition, you know, they were holding up signs. My little girl was in Cat's lap also other friends. something like they were there really supporting in every way. And after that competition, I crumbled, right? I was like the pressure was off and I could finally, you know, eat again and go out and do this and that. And also at the same time, my daughter was gone so much.

So I started to develop this kind of a shitty habit. And it was mostly like it happened all at once where I was bottling up all my feelings for all that time, that 15 weeks. And the pressure had become more and more because they started to get more and more aggressive, right? I think my daughter's father and his wife had recently got married within that those few months which I didn't that didn't bother me. Only the fact that now I knew that this woman who had been so aggressive towards me was now going to be in my daughter's she wasn't going to be transient, right? And so that did bother me based on my experiences that I had at exchanges with her because she was very uh let's just

say really nasty why she would hold my daughter to me speak the way she would speak to me and you know all all the exchanges were were very high tension for me. So to get to the point here, I prepped under the pressure and that's when it started going out. Every time that Scarlet went over to her dad's on Wednesday nights and on the weekends, Shredder was done. I did amazing. I placed where I wanted to place for my first competition. So I was like, I deserve it. And for the next few months, nine months around, I just kept going out and going out and going out and numbing myself. I was like, "Fuck it. if my daughter's gonna be gone for me, I have to figure out a way to

survive because I was it was the only thing that gave me um like a reprieve. I thought anyway, it was the only way I could feel a release and not be stuck in like a trauma response was to go out drinking because then I could feel free every Wednesday and every other weekend. I could just detach, unplug from the reality of my everyday head on a swivel just even entering the parking lot of my place of work, right? Because I was always scared at time. I believe too there was this active um protective order against the both of me and the ex and the wife, right? So both of us couldn't be within 500 ft of each other. yet I would go to my own work when I had classes and she would be there first and

so technically if she was somewhere first and I was the one that had to leave. So anyway, there was just a lot of stress. So like sometimes I couldn't get to my class to teach and it was just like a mess, right? So the easiest way for me to deal with it was go and get [ __ ] up. And so I did that. My point back to Cat, she went and told my ex and his wife, and I don't even know how she positioned herself, what her real motive was. To this day, I have no idea. I don't know if she was truly worried about my daughter um while she wasn't with me. I don't know. And that doesn't I don't know that it's important. kind of like I was saying last week, like sometimes it can be

helpful for us to understand where people are coming from, but it's not necessary for me to understand it or for you to understand it. If it's not accessible for you or if you're saying that that you need to understand in order to get closure, you don't really. There are other ways. But anyway, she went and gave them information, and I don't really know how it all transpired, but I do know that her going to them, I found out later, spurred or sparked a bunch of different events, which ended up in them having the ammo in order to go back to court, which wasn't the end- all beall. and my daughter and I ended up being okay throughout that whole court process, but it did set me up and

take away a lot of my funds, resources for the coming times and it also gave them stuff to lean on. Anyway, you get the picture. It just complicated matters a lot. And without Cat going to them to give them whatever information she did give them, I still to this day don't believe that we would be where we are today. Now, as you guys know, if you've been listening to any of the episodes, you also know that I believe truly believe in my heart that that was supposed to happen because it was always going to happen that way because I needed to grow in the way that I needed to grow and maybe my daughter also needed to grow in the way that she's growing as a result

of all these things happening, right? Like, it was just going to happen that way. But hopefully I'm making sense here. I could take the stance that because of her, she [ __ ] my life up and now my daughter and I are separated. I could say the same thing about Brian, the guy that I got together with years later. If I would never have met Brian, none of the other events would have happened and my daughter and I would still be together today, right? So, there are all these different players and all these different incidents that happened. I could lean into their acts to betray. And I did for a long time. Like Cat, what she did to me back in the day, I really felt wronged. I was in

disbelief that she would go behind my back and say something to my ex and his wife. But I also because of my own childhood experiences and being I guess betrayed as a child in my own home like trust between my parents and me was broken from an early age. I learned from that to betray myself on a regular basis from childhood moving forward until maybe I don't know yesterday. No. Um, probably, you know, a few years ago, I started realizing and I'm still working on it, but I think this is going to be constantly evolving in me or an ever evolving process for me is to to unlearn the self- betrayal that I learned from an early age. Just as any other tool that we or skill that you or

I picked up as kids, thinking that we had to, the act of betraying ourselves can show up in all the different ways. And Bnee Brown talks about it actually in one of her books about how self- betrayal is the worst offense of all. And 100% I agree. I talk about with this my with my clients a lot and I know I've talked with you guys too is anything that we're looking for somebody else to provide to us for us. The reason usually we think that we need it so bad from them is because we think that we shouldn't have to or we cannot provide it for ourselves. This comes up with like I need my kid to respect me. I need my kid to want me, want to spend time with me, to value me, you know, all of

those expectations that we put on relationships. But most of the time, the reason it's so bothersome, there's it's complex, but I will say that one of the biggest factors at play here is usually if this is you that you're not respecting and valuing yourself. So you want it from external, right? you think that them providing it to you will give you the emotions and the feeling that you need in order to move forward. It'll it's easier to think good thoughts. If you know and you have some resolve that you're valued by your child, then you feel valuable. But if you value yourself to begin with, then you know that them valuing you is not a requirement but just an extra, right?

And the same thing um with betrayal like when you go against yourself in order to please somebody else in order to accommodate somebody else because that's what maybe you were taught as a kid that your needs weren't as important as maybe mom or dad's or brother or sister whatever influence you had in your life. Then you learn that okay my needs aren't as important. I know a lot of you guys can relate to this. Their needs are so important. My job in this world is to provide for them to look outward and that will give me my worth. So if you develop this early on, then you probably also learned how to self betray just like I talked about probably a year ago

with self- erasing. These two things go hand in hand. So, if you haven't listened to that that episode, it came out probably last April, probably a year ago today. Is doing yourself erase. If you're betraying your own needs, your own safety, your own desires, somebody else's acts to betray are going to feel that much more offensive to you, threatening to you. It's going to cut deeper because you're already not providing for yourself. Also too, when you're not providing for yourself and you're willing to betray yourself, you attract people that either also betray their own selves, but more so are willing to betray you because your energies will match up. There's a want match. You're

willing to betray yourself and they're willing to betray you, too. It goes together, right? So, I guess my point here is when it came up the other day, I was thinking, man, it came up pretty light farted. Like, there wasn't a lot of emotion there when I was um thinking in my head, but I was like, yeah, man, that kind of sucks that Cat did that. Wonder what she was thinking. She violated trust, right? The trust that I thought that I could put in her. And I don't know what she was thinking to this day. And nor like I said, nor do I really can't say I don't care, but I I'm not going to go and pursue like find out from her. You know, she did since come back and apologize to me. And that's how

I learned it was her that went to them to begin with because I had no idea. You know, I had no idea. She came in to me crying and said, "I'm so sorry I did this." I had no idea that it would cause this, you know, cascade of events to come afterwards and yada yada yada. and she didn't understand firsthand who they were and what they were like until after she already went there and thought about it when she went home and blah blah blah. And this will happen with a lot of people. People will betray your trust and not realize the magnitude of their actions of the this like I said cascade of events that will come especially when we're talking about somebody that would

alienate your ch child or children from you. You know what I'm saying? So there is that kind of quote unquote betrayal that people do. They they breach trust not really knowing sometimes with the best intentions sometimes just unconsciously right or not you know like not fully thinking things through or you do have the kinds for sure where people are betraying your trust in order to gain something right like intentionally I think the um definition of betrayal I actually found it kind of funny I did find definitions here so I this is there's Actually, I have so much to say about it. I did not get my thoughts like organized, so I'm probably all over the place. But the Miriam Webster version of

betrayed is treacherously abandoned, deserted, or mistreated. So, I loathe this definition for so many reasons, and it's so few words for me to have so many reasons to be so against it. But first off, it suggests treacherously abandoned, which is so dramatic. But not to say that your situation doesn't there's not a lot of feeling and emotion that goes into it cuz that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm not minimizing your experience, but treacherously is a that's a suggesting that it's like some an objective experience, but that's it's not anyway. But abandoned as an adult, you can never you and any adult can never be abandoned. If you're disabled in some

way that makes you not capable of caring for yourself, yes, you can be abandoned, but children for sure can be abandoned because they're not yet fully capable. Elderly also, but as a capable adult, you can never be abandoned. So I say that to you not to uh invalidate any experience or fear of abandonment that you might have but more to help you to empower yourself moving forward. Because when you know that nobody can has that power over you to abandon you, it's like as if they have the power to exile you like with a wand. Poof, you're gone. You know that isn't real. That's not realistic. You can feel abandoned, right? But no, nobody can actually abandon you. So this definition

is very misleading in my eyes. Okay. Deserted or mistreated. Okay. Okay. But still mistreated is a perception, you know, and that's my whole point of this whole episode is that betrayal is not necessarily an emotion, but it's an emotional response that is based on the perception, the story that you create based on your past experiences and what somebody does. Like infidelity, let's just use that because that's the most common. I could be cheated on and you could be cheated on. Same carbon copy situation that happens, right? Like I did the same thing in the relationship, you did the same thing in the relationship. Like this played the same roles and then our partners cheated on

us, right? I could have one view of their cheating and you could have another view of their cheating. Both of us not necessarily are going to feel betrayed. My story may make it mean that I'm off the hook because I was really sick of being with my partner, right? Like, thank God they cheated. Maybe they'll move on now, you know? I mean, it's an option. So, maybe I don't feel betrayed at all. In fact, I'm like, "Thank you. I didn't want to have sex with you anyway." Okay. And then you could feel not another person could feel entirely betrayed. How could they do this to me? What does this mean for us going forward? I'll never be loved again. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. So being

betrayed is a perception based on a the story that you create due to their actions or non-actions to betray. But the word betray suggests and I looked up another definition. It suggests that to betray somebody is to directly or intentionally violate trust between you and another person, right? Like the betrayer is intentionally doing harm to you and destroying trust that was established for their own gain. But how do we know what somebody else's intention is unless they tell us? Do you know what I'm saying? There's so much that goes into it. Again, please know that I'm not gaslighting you out of your feelings of betrayal. I say all this to help you to empower yourself. Like I

just kind of said with whatever I was saying a second ago, I think anytime we love somebody, we're risking being hurt. It's going to happen. People out there are not going to live up to my expectations because I'm a human and we all do it because it's just the way that we're made up, right? We have these expectations on people and how we think that they should behave how they should behave. Disappointment is bound to happen in all the relationships moving forward, right? Or many of them, let's just say. So, I know I will feel betrayed. That experience is going to to come up in my life again for me. So, I'm not saying it's an unreasonable way to feel. In fact, it makes a lot of sense

because whatever story that you have about any trust lost is it's real for you. And but for me, I know that that's not the story I want to end on ever moving forward. To me, I think that living in a the place of betrayal, the mindset of betrayal can become um frivolous. Is that the right word I want to use? Like indulgence once you've processed through some of the emotions like the most of the emotions that the experience of betrayal causes aren't very useful long term. Does that make sense? So that's why I really hated that video that was supposedly Bnee Brown because it it suggested that people keep this like lowgrade anger and contempt against those who have harmed them. And

I know that when we're talking about children like in your childhood and for our children, the expectation of course is growing up that they should trust the people that are in their home or whoever is modeling for them. This is an entirely different subject and I'm not talking about that at all. And I know I already said that once, but I feel like I need to say that again. Betrayal is something different when we're talking about children. Anyway, moving forward. when you feel betrayed by somebody and maybe there's lots of like harbored resentments that you've collected over the years. I mean, it's likely I still have them, too, where there's people that have done me wrong in my mind over

the years that I either just stopped giving it attention because I had better things in my opinion to focus on and that's how I dealt with it as opposed to going into it and feeling like I needed to solve for everything and process through everything. Some of the things I was just like, I don't know if I want to give it my attention, so I don't, you know? So maybe that's where you land with some of the offenses if you will or bridges of trust depending on who it is. And then others where I really did my mom for instance other people that were closer to me that I wanted to process through. What's really helpful is for you to name the actual emotions because

when we sit in they betrayed me, where's your focus? your focus is on them and what they did. And now it's always good, especially when we're talking about abuse to being me abuse, right? To separate what is yours and what is not yours. But then from there, we can't just live in that. I mean, you can, but that is not going to give you the results that I think that you probably want. So, you name it, what is yours and what is theirs? And then let's look at what's yours. What are the top three emotions that are being I'm generating as a result of whatever story I'm telling myself about the betrayal? So, what am I making that betrayal mean? And then what are the top three emotions

that I feel as a result of the story that I have about it? And then once you determine those, how did those um emotions have you show up in your world or not show up in your world? Sometimes it causes us to freeze up. Like if you're feeling um uh let's just go with resentful, you you resent them for blah blah blah blah blah. There's your story. And so coming from resentment, you might not put yourself out there for other people, like get vulnerable again. You may cut your nose off despite your face kind of and like not do what you need to do in order to better you because you're so angry with them. And so then you end up not creating a result that's amazing for yourself.

So if the story that you have about their own betrayal of you isn't working, isn't creating the results you want in your life, that's when you can develop a new story, you know, but it is really helpful to just narrate the emotions that you feel and the story that you have. Oh, I'm feeling betrayed because I expected them to not go to my ex and his wife. I expected them to stay on my team. I I wanted them to support me. I feel hurt because I thought they were here for me. I got vulnerable with them and I really loved them and now I feel violated or whatever. Those kinds of stories, it's good to say those out loud to yourself. Call it out for what it is and then now that you know what's in

your control, then you can move from there. and betrayal. It's just not the story you want to end on or not the state of mind that you want to end on for anything in your life. Not to say that you don't it's not their like don't take responsibility for things that you don't need to take responsibility of, but also you don't need to hold their luggage moving forward either and be constantly thinking about all of their actions which is theirs to hold. Do you know? Okay. So, I think that's all I have for you. Okay. Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for

byte-size clips and tips, be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram. See you next week.