Conquer Your Confrontation Anxiety: How To Handle Worry For Alienated Parents

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 120 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation I'm your host Shelby mford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned hey guys what's happening do you like my little orchids those of you who do appreciate plants I have a recommendation for you so I got this philinopsis Orchid here at Lowe's I think for it was like in the 650 or 75% off area you know there was no blooms on

it it was kind of beat up pretty beat up and it already had some of this Pathos in here right if you see like the whole thing I've repotted it since and done a bunch of stuff but what I did you're orid or even any kind of plant person go get that I forget what it's called crazy Kiki paste or whatever it's on Amazon I should probably put the link down below but just look up Kiki paste it's ke I Ki paste if you know anything about orchids you know that this is crazy because it just doesn't happen so there's one Spike which is where all the flowers come off of right but I put the Kiki paste on and three extra spikes came off that one existing Spike which never happens and

then there's another spite coming up over on the other side and that one's getting ready to bloom it's crazy stuff if you got an orchid at home and it's getting ready to die like people go buy this at at the grocery store all the time as gifts or whatever and most people don't know what to do with them so they just throw their orchids out don't do that go snip your the spike that's like already flowered out before it gets to be like brown snip it just above the second node put the crazy Kiki paste on and you will see that you will get new SES new flowers out of it I put that on put the paste on probably two months ago yeah probably two months ago and now

look took a while for the the flowers to come out but that's just because of the kind it is and you know whatever but yeah amazing just because of some hormone paste so anyway um that is way off the topic of frontal Elation however I will say kind of and kind of not in the way that things like gardening and and you know Hobbies um for me I really do like for a while there I was doing it with my animals you know and I've talked about that before but caretaking and turning something like a beat up project sort of find into something beautiful and great I did this too for a while with Furniture like the thing behind me that thing was like this mustard color and didn't look anything like that it

had like these looked country style and anyway you can do it with a lot of thinks and I think it's just fun it's a little bit of instant gratification but it's all also therapeutic just a little reminder that it it does it really does help especially especially in the beginning to work with your hands when you are anxious even just down in the dumps about stuff like to have a quick turnaround where you're producing something and making it go from you know watching the transformation yeah it it does for me anyway it really helped give me like a sense of accomplishment um and confidence when that was scarce in my world now of course as you guys know your thoughts are everything but to like

some activities some supportive activities and hobbies are are amazing okay now today we're going to be doing something a little different I am in the process of doing something else for you guys got this prodject going and it's going to be next week's podcast along with you'll you'll hear about it next week so that's what's in the works for you at this moment and I'm actually going to get back to it right now but today and I've been meaning to do this anyway and I'm going to do some more of these periodically I'm letting you guys listen to a coaching call a yesterday's coaching call actually with a client of mine in fact she was one of my first clients way back when before I even got

certified for the second time I had put a post on one of those Facebook groups the uh PA Facebook groups and she was one of the ones who who responded to me so that I could get my first certification right and since we have kept in very close contact and speak you know on a very regular basis don't always coach with her we just we've kept up together right but on occasion we will get into a conversation where I actually do coach for and that's exactly what happened yesterday though it was not like this aha like shift transformational moment for her was more of a casual coaching conversation I thought it would be something really helpful for you guys to listen to to

just see how you can apply different thinking if your current thinking is not working for you around anxiety that you're feeling paranoia even that's exactly what we were talking about yesterday I hit record about 5 minutes into our the coaching portion of our conversation um give you some backstory this is after she and her boyfriend had recently gone to a Christmas tree burning I guess it was a few weeks back and she was certain that she was going to run into her ex you know the alienating parent and her son who is now an adult the conversation sort of goes through stages where we talk about and we little bit jumped around I edited out some stuff that might make it confusing

for y'all but what she was really worried about was seeing him and what that was creating for her so I'll jump back on with y'all and like recap the main points on the back side of this also I forgot to mention before I start the video I'm just making you aware now I've bleeped out some personal details like names of people in the video so if you hear the weird noises it wasn't anything outside it was actually the beeps that I put in there just didn't want to confuse you offset your focus concentration while you're dry whatson so I will see you guys in just a 20 minutes yes so I get a lot of anxiety because I'm thinking to myself you know I'm going to see my son or I'm going to

see my ex and what's going to happen what's going on we're in a public place I'm supposed to be enjoying myself I'm supposed to be relaxed I'm supposed to be laughing but me I'm it's almost like I'm ducking looking for yeah no I get you for uh for something you know what I mean to happen I know exactly it becomes very nerve-wracking and scary right what's the because you you think you're GNA see them what would happen if you saw them so you're clearly thinking that maybe something would happen where he would would provoke them to say something so I had that thought that you know that there was going to be like some yelling or screaming and and it's like I I can't have that you know I I

can't have that um why not that it would ever happen but just why what's the story behind there cuz I I don't want people looking at me and I don't want to get into that feeling of being placed on Facebook like being that right back to being placed Facebook and having people look at me judge me not know what's going on everybody contacting me and everybody's reaching out to me and like they did like they did and why would that be a problem because I don't like to be the center of attention I don't like to be negative okay the negative part that's what it is because I mean like people could be calling and reaching out to you and with support and I don't think it

would be so much of a problem right but it's like it's the negative attention you say you think they're judging me and so what so I shouldn't care because people gossip and people give me the unhelpful reason if they're judging me then what people are talking about me people are they're making me feel like I'm worthless like I'm there it is okay not a good mom and I am a good mom okay so you think if they're judging me then they're thinking that I'm worthless they're thinking I'm not a good mom okay and then how do you feel when you think that thought it's like I'm looking around thinking to myself you know are they be are they behind me are they following me are they going to I

don't know like I I don't think my ex-husband would trip me or anything but but then again you know I wouldn't put it past them to just I I don't do stupid mean things like I don't know I just feel like I just felt really uh weird and awful like I should have been enjoying myself a little bit more than peering around and looking right so then that's the secondary suffering that you're causing in the moment you're not you your brain you got this judgment on yourself that like I should be having fun here not dealing with this so now you've got anxiety and then you've got this other judgment that's causing you maybe a little shame but putting the Judgment aside for a second I want to go back to

like the original urgency does it start when you guys pull in the parking lot or does it start before you guys even get to the event or does it start at the event it actually started like when we pulled in and heart okay and then I'm looking around and I'm looking to see if I see anys that look like theirs and you know it's almost like I mean almost feel stupid I almost feel stupid and like to myself because it's over but in my head it comes back yeah okay so there's two things here you've got this idea that like it shouldn't be happening this way I shouldn't still be so riled up about it and then you also have the anxiety itself well there's the anxiety and then

the first thing that you said so what let's deal with them one at a 10 okay you pull into the parking lot and immediately you head on a swivel you start looking around to see case in the place right to see if they're there and the thought is they're going to start some basically yeah right right I just put that in my words but would your words sound something like that tell me what you would say oh it it it does going to start they're going to start crap with me they're going to start a bunch of they're going to start saying something they're going to start either following me saying something pointing laughing I mean stupid High School child things okay you're like anticipating all

the ways that they could publicly embarrass you or humiliate you really is I think what you're worried about in that moment right yep like are there people there that it's my it's my own town of course I'm gonna know people that are there but are people there that are against me and for them that sounds crazy no I know I know people there that are gonna recognize me and say something to me or you know or try to you know say oh I can't believe that happened I'm so sorry and you know go back to them and play this stupid game right so they're like they're they agents yeah yeah the flying monkeys yeah yeah okay so paranoid yeah a little bit yeah that's okay it's okay I mean there's it 100%

makes sense especially after trauma you're still holding on to some of that right and so your brain is doing what you know it always likes to do is protect you and so it's them to think of all the ways that it could possibly you could possibly be humiliated or hurt in some way because of what you're already believing right that they're going to start some if they're here they're going to start some so you feel paranoid that you feel like they might follow you point at you send their flying monkeys the other thing you were thinking about and doing is making sure that D doesn't say anything or instigate or add to it yeah were you sful with other people or did

you just keep to yourself did you yeah we we kind of kept to ourselves we're kind of like walking around and we did have the discussion we probably going to bump into a bunch of people that we know here but in my head yeah we're probably going to bump into a bunch of people but people that I kind of don't want to see or maybe want to see I don't know how they're going to react that that's a part that I kind of was it like I better get my game face on yes yeah I mean I have my glasses on so that I could make sure that I can see Power just so I could see people coming oh yeah yeah yeah do you not normally wear your glasses no not not usually not usually unless I'm driving okay okay and then

what did en you do like what would you have been doing if you weren't feeling paranoid because you were thinking that they're going to start some I probably would have been relaxed a little bit more a little bit more playful and funny and were you playful and funny at all no not at all no no when well a little I mean but I was more like going through the Motions it was more let's do this let's do that was it R yep yep and I don't know it just I should have been a little bit more loose I wonder no not that it mat I mean it's okay no matter how you were but I wonder if you were to ask what do you think I was acting like I mean if he could feel open to tell you I don't know

he might be like you were acting great honey but like if you would ask him what he would observe about you if he would see anything different happening with you you know than what you see I want I'm just it's not important for now but it would be interesting that's kind of interesting I think I will ask again not because we're caring about well of course you care about and you want him to have a nice experience too but it's the thoughts that he's thinking but just for your own perspective just to see like what's really happening as opposed to what our brains tell us is happening you know most of the time oh I get it I get it that's a good point um so you know that the result of this if you're

thinking that they're going to start some you know the result right yeah I'm going to feel awful well okay that too but you're going to start some yeah you huh I'm not going to get any sleep I'm not gonna gonna yeah but even like your experience there you're starting in your own mind like you literally lived it out like how you were telling me before how like you were thinking about throwing stuff at you following you you've gone through all the scenarios of what could happen if you see them there that they're going to do on you or around you and then also even bystanders or people that know you somewhat like being publicly shamed humiliated all the things you're making thinking in your

mind you're playing all these scenes so of course it would make sense that you would be super tense with because you're like we need to make sure that that does not happen so you need to zip it up and I got to zip it up because in your brain there's a war going to happen right right but you're believing it in your mind and it's not your fault this is your subconscious you know that's doing it but you can because you know it you can actually step in the driver's seat and actively manage your mind in those moments not by being like you shouldn't be like this Kim it's been so long you shouldn't be like this don't why are we being miserable and we should be being

fun that was the other element that you added onto it we could do that whole model but like if you're thinking that things should be different and that this is a place where I should be having fun right now then you're going to create a whole resistance model on that and you're going to ensure that you have zero fun whatsoever because now you've already directed your mind on what to do like no we already himim told us we're not going to have fun we're not going to have fun everybody in the brain you know yeah and so then you just make sure you find all the ways that you're not going to have fun and all the ways that like things should be different and you

should be over this or you should be it should be different you shouldn't have to worry about this or whatever ever you know yeah yeah so first model that we started on the result is that you end up starting all that up in your head you're setting off bombs left and right up in the brain oh yeah yeah I mean it was like it was almost like I was like stealing something it's like I'm looking around um you know I'm an adult I should be relaxing a little bit you know taking it all in smiling having a good time and not being tense not being I just want to change that wording for you just by one word really just swapping one word you said I'm an adult whatever an adults I

mean actually we could come up with a bunch of different reasons why being an adult you shouldn't be happy and all the things so it's not none of these are really facts these are all Just Thoughts rules that you're placing on yourself but instead of saying that I should be having fun I should be relaxing I should be whatever I want to have fun I want to relax or I choose to have fun I choose to relax I choose to wa because when you do that then you're focusing on what you are choosing and not what you should be doing but you're not right right like you're at the effect of when you're thinking I should be there but I'm not you've already put the fence the barrier in between you and

the fun and you and the relaxing right instead just like no I'm choosing the fun and what is fun anyway what is relaxing cuz it's all subjective you know so you get to decide that right and put focus on it instead of putting a um barrier yeah yeah yeah you're giving your mind something to do something like fun to do oh well I know what is fun because when you're just like naming it as like a concept I should be having this I should be having that it's like this vagueness of nothingness really you know that you you say you could put anything in there I should be blah blah blah and it wouldn't matter but when you start to Define what fun is then your brain is like oh let's

go find out ways to do that right that was um that was interesting you've been through that I know this has been like a recurring one for you yeah for Mo for many many of us well because every single you're right because it's like the you know any restaurants if I go into a restaurant I always have that thought and I mean I could run I could run away and not go to the restaurants that I believe that he'll be at mhm but that's not me I mean I kind of I try to face it I try to face it because because I don't want to feel intimidated because that's what he wants to do okay now here's where your go ahead what was your butt but um again that I've had times that he's been there and that he's done

the little you know you know and yeah and then what happens then for you I just either ignore it or I'll just go know you know so it's not like a huge bother I try not to make it look like it is yeah but is it in your brain or is it not inside my stomach I'm like little bit nervous yeah but what I'm what I'm wondering the reason I'm asking is because I think that the buildup is always more than when it actually happens and when it happens it's like okay it's uncomfortable there's definitely discomfort I feel like my stomach I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now and it's just feels anxious and all the things but that's just your nervousness right that's normal yeah maybe some stress

response but that's a great point that you just brought up here because really it's the stuff that your mind does if you're anticipating it the that stuff is the torture right like seeing him is almost like it's like the bursting the bubble it lets the tension out yes yes right once it's done it's like okay it wasn't that bad I mean it wasn't pleasing but whatever it right you're not going to die from it but in the moments where you're like thinking that they're going to be there and what are they going to do that's when your brain has you're allowing your brain to to take over and it starts getting really creative with all the things that could happen right

so again through no fault of your own but it is proof basically it's evidence to show that it's not that's actually doing it it's your primitive brain yeah you yeah yeah yeah that's really it's actually fantastic news because that just means that you just the one thing that you're missing I don't think always I think that you do incorporate this sometimes but it's just to manage your mind in the moment before you start playing all the scenarios in your head yes or as you're doing it be like okay those could happen but what else could happen happen on the blip side what's the other 50% of like the good side what else could happen if I see him and if I don't see him besides

the stories that I keep repeating to myself here they're going to point and that they're going to this that what good could happen or maybe not even good but what could happen that would be the opposite of what I'm saying to myself right now that's causing me all this anxiety you know yeah for right now just give me some just so that you can get the skill and understand like what next time let's say we doing a repeat of the tree burning thing let's say you see them let's say you see one of them you see what could happen other than well probably are do you think that wouldn't start all the if he was by himself he probably wouldn't right it would be if he was with other people or or with

he would he would do it by himself he would he would start by himself oh yeah yeah interesting yeah oh yeah yep really you kind of like put that fear into me into me and put that whole you know like putting put me down put you in your place sort of thing yeah you know why he's doing that right because he feels like that because he feels he's scared yeah he he has somebody taught him is probably his father taught him when you're scared you go bully you go make somebody else steal that way you know so what else could happen what it's interesting because and this is only what I heard and I heard to other people that his father was a very nice guy and his mother was um a whack job but

she but you know oh it could have been his mom that instilled it in them but doesn't yeah I mean I I don't know I don't know yeah happened but and you don't have to be by the way you don't have to be a whack up you could be a really nice person to also be dis like have dysfunction um traits if you will like behaviors yeah definitely yeah yeah I think we all do nice not nice we're all you know have our face especially when we haven't yet gone on the journey they like I don't want to guarantee but I can bet that his parents hadn't done any like self- betterment right so what else could happen like okay this is I'm sensing this but I'm not sure just because he

does the acts to intimidate or to put you in your place doesn't mean that you automatically need to feel intimidated or put in your place you know what I'm saying like you don't need to fall in line with it and I know that you know that but sometimes I think that you give his actions or his intentions so much power like just because he's doing that in order to intimidate you doesn't mean that you need to actually feel intimidated right you know right and I know that's overly simple like of course I mean it it is but I I do I do recognize that and sometimes I got to stop myself because I'm just like when he used to say you need to fix this you need to right you

know I had I had um I taped him I videoed him videoed him so that he knew but I turn on my my phone and recorded it yeah I listened to that and I listened to him yelling at me saying you need to fix this you need you need to do something you need you need to fix the problem you need help yeah right right it asked him I said well what am I supposed to do you know oh and and I had said that at one point he's like I don't know you just need to fix the problem and he didn't seem to know and I found that that was kind of funny right now now do you understand it though yeah yeah that you need to fix the problem that was his answer but when I said well how do I do

that he didn't know he didn't have an answer right right right you're just up I don't know you figure it out right right yeah right right they can't pinpoint it because it's actually not you it's really how they're feeling inside but they expect you to fix that if I'm feeling up it must be your fault yeah yeah yeah kind of kind of make me last yeah yeah it does but also like the not so knowing parts of us will be like well maybe it is my fault maybe I do need not to figure out how to act better maybe I am causing their whatever it is you know so then that's like the the the you know not healed younger self part of us that's there like well maybe it could be

the shame part and all that you know y yep yeah that's good so now you have for next time you know what to do in the case that you're making up all these stories about what might happen yeah okay so here's your two-minute recap um if you remember in the beginning of our conversation the recording there two different pain points she was describing and going through one of them was the anxiety that she was feeling and you could hear the anxiety in her voice just reliving it right going back to that moment in time she wasn't finishing sentences and what have you we all have experienced that before right being in that extended freeze mode at least that's how I experienced it so

she has this anxiety around seeing him and the story that she's telling herself in her mind is that he's going to to publicly humiliate her he's going to make her look like a fool and then on top of that she's telling herself that she's a fool for even thinking that I don't remember if those were her words exactly she should know better it's already been over and done for years now so why is she still in this place right but she's clearly feeling it and it's evident we've all been there so you can have some compassion for her reliving that and so what we've talked about before in many other conversations is that it would be helpful for her to have the same compassion for her own self

that she might have for somebody else so that like I know that I have and maybe y'all had listening to her who's feeling traumatized just by the thought of seeing this guy who did actually terrorize her years ago you know so she's got the suffering from the worry about what's ahead and then she's got the Shamy voice on top of it telling her that she's stupid for even having all these thoughts so this is like a perfect example what of what so many of us do on the every day all the time reg not even just coming from trauma you know coming from past abuse but of course having abuse in your past or any sort of trauma in your past for relationships it's just definitely going to complicate things

make it a little bit more difficult for you to move through but once you do learn how to coach yourself through it uh like I'm teaching her how to do here it's a skill you can take with you and use forever so there's that then if you noticed too once we started talking about the times that she has run into her ex-husband before at the sushi restaurant what have you she did understand and she did determine that or we determined that it's really not that big of a deal when he actually does show up somewhere and they are face to face or across the room from one another it's just what we do in our mind right it's the anticipation of it it's the worry about something it's what we always do

right with all the things worrying about the bills to be paid or this that whatever worry is there for a reason and it's trying to protect you right it's trying to do you a solid but there are times when if you do not manage your mind around it it will run you and it'll run you the wrong way so you have to be able to discern like acknowledge see it call it out and ask yourself in all the situations is this useful for me right do I want to choose worry right now is it going to help me so then anyway so then I just cut it short because we went into more of a personal conversation to follow that but um yeah I hope that you guys enjoyed this and I will see you

next week don't forget Friday Facebook live at 12:15 Eastern Standard in the private Facebook group okay all righty you guys bye thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next week