Hello everyone! Welcome to the Beyond the High Road of Parental Alienation blog, where we tackle tough topics head-on and find actionable solutions. Today, I want to delve into something deeply personal yet universally understood: anxiety and overthinking, particularly how they impact alienated parents. We've all been there, stuck in the vicious cycle of "What ifs" and "Oh noes," especially when it comes to our loved ones. But let's take this by the horns and learn how to talk ourselves down off that ledge.
Facing the Storm: Putting Things in Perspective
I'm in Florida, currently bracing myself for a hurricane. Our brains are like that sometimes—caught in the swirling winds of potential disasters. I find myself having to metaphorically clean out my garage before the storm hits—both literally and figuratively. The mess I face in my garage isn't just clutter; it's a symbol for the mental chaos we often face when anxiety hits. It’s easy to let your fears clutter your mind, but cleaning up that mess is key to finding clarity and taking meaningful action.
Talk Yourself Down: Understanding Your Anxiety
Before diving into problem-solving, take a moment to catalog your fears. Let’s get real about it: make a list of your three to five top anxieties. Acknowledge them. Maybe you've been spinning scenarios that aren't even likely to happen. Are you worried about something that could occur on a 'rainy Thursday on a leap year'? Identify whether what you’re focusing on is a real problem or a manufactured fear, and remember, acknowledging doesn’t mean indulging it—it means giving yourself room to process and plan.
The Importance of Asking Questions
Now, let's move to the vital questions that will guide you towards solutions: Is this really a problem? This question is crucial because many situations are fabricated by our overly cautious minds. Also, what are your solutions? They can be as simple as finding temporary fixes or more complex long-term strategies. Lay them all out so you can see clearly the path you need to take.
For example, suppose you're tangled up in financial stress due to legal bills or feeling the pinch from credit issues related to alienation. In that case, the easiest fix might be a quick loan or a temporary deferment with bill collectors. However, understanding the long-term solution requires knowing what you’re spending money on, creating a budget, and perhaps even tackling multiple income streams.
Take Charge, But Stay Real
Managing your anxiety and setting clear actions provides space for empowerment. This doesn't mean bowing down to issues or taking no for an answer, especially when it comes to vital matters like custody or alienation. It’s about making informed choices without the haze of anxiety clouding your judgment.
Remember, the initial 'no' should never be your endpoint, especially when advocating for your children. Don't let anxiety be your reason to quit. If you're letting anxiety run your decision-making, you're not giving yourself, or your situation, the fair chance it deserves.
Conclusion: The Magic of Moving Forward
Remember: the anxiety you feel doesn't dictate the truth of your circumstance; it’s just your brain trying to prepare you for the unknown. But don’t let it fool you into inaction. In my upcoming course, we tackle these issues head-on, offering not just information but transformation. The goal is to give you tools to navigate through life's chaos, so join me as we explore the depths of personal growth and empowerment. Keep these strategies close, and remember, you're not alone in this.
I'm off to continue preparing for the storm now.. Until next time, See you soon!
Episode Transcript
You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 106. Stay tuned. All right. Hey, you guys. What's uh, happening in a hotta stuffa? I. I'm getting prepared for a hurricane. I'm on the east coast of Florida and this guy is coming straight towards like straight across the state from me but um Well last I checked which was if i'm being honest, it was yesterday afternoon It was a category five, I think for those of you who are on the west coast of florida right now Um, well, you probably won't be listening to this right away.
Um, but I do wish all of you who have friends and family in that area or anywhere where there might be a natural disaster going on North Carolina area. And what have you just, I just want to, before I even begin, I just want to wish you guys well, and that you're safe and that your family is safe. And that, um, you guys are getting the help and the assistance that you need. Okay? I have some members of the private Facebook group, I know, that are over on the, the West Coast, and a member the new program is also over there on the West Coast. So anyway, um, for me, as for me, I am directly across the state, but I have a feeling not I don't have a feeling the last I checked The radar was showing that it was going to come through to this side of things.
I think at a cat one. So I have been getting shit prepared because if you guys remember a while back, I was talking about, I don't even remember what episode it was, but I was talking about My garage and how much of a an absolute disaster that it is and every time I walk in it I step over a million things and under things and around things to get to whatever it is that I need which most of the time I can't find because even though I have this beautiful stainless , big, , thingamajig, toolbox, I rarely put things back where they belong. I'm just gonna be frank about that. , um, this, this, there's a purpose for me telling you this, I'm not just bitching. , and so, today, And yesterday I've had to, I've decided to go get that organized so that I can, well, I usually can fit my car in there, but my father may park one of his cars over here and also I have to pull all the stuff, my patio furniture and what have you off of it and anything loose and put it somewhere.
And so it has to go in the garage, right? And can't do that if I don't have any room in the garage. So, um, I'm going to use this as an example for the bigger topic, which is going to be talking yourself off of a ledge. I think that that's going to be the actual title of this. Um, but that's the idea, no matter what it turns out to be.
Most of the time I, I depend upon the headlines, co schedule gods to dictate what the, the title of the, of the episodes are going to be. But anyway, that's my idea. I haven't checked it out yet. I haven't run it through the little AI tool thingy. Anyway, so talking yourself off of a ledge and basically anxiety and overthinking the situation at hand, which i'm sure none of you guys can relate to Myself included um over the weekend.
I did a couple live events and I did one Overcoming obstacles, And then I did another one that was problem solving. And then I did an anger one too, like using your anger for you, which anyway, so this is kind of gonna be, I just got stuck on my sweater on my bracelet.
Lovely. Um, oh no, so there we go. Oh shoot. So this is going to be kind of a mix between those, which Most of you probably didn't see that those lives so I'm kind of a combination of the two problem solving and overcoming obstacles, but also mixed in with the anxiety that we inevitably carry. As a result of our situations and our children being not with us and all of the ways that our brains, your brain, my brain can catastrophize and go into the worst case scenarios, which sometimes if you're a client of mine, you know, I do find beneficial to visit the worst case scenario of the situation just to, , prepare yourself, but also, like, know that you can overcome things.
Right? So I always do think it's a good idea to be like, all right, what is what is your brain telling you is the worst case scenario now, because when you acknowledge it. Like acknowledge what's going on and what's going on in the subconscious mind. That's causing you to feel anxiety going there and just allowing for your brain to it's almost like I think of it like when people put in, complaint cards or, Suggestion cards, you're allowing your brain and your body to go to that place and you're listening to the complaints or the suggestion cards that your brain is inevitably going to offer you about whatever situation you have anxiety over, And now I'm not necessarily talking about generalized anxiety here.
however, you're. Should be able to take a lot of the things that I'm saying and use that to manage even your generalized anxiety. Okay, like if you were diagnosed with it.
But so,
I do think that providing the space for your self to hear all of the, the complaints.
Here. All of the gripes and the oh shits from yourself. What I think is very helpful is that my way that I'm wanting to offer you, maybe it's your way too, is to regulate the room, right? Make sure that you, your higher thinking is chaperoning the party, the complaint party, I like to set parameters. I usually allow myself like 15 minutes All right.
I'm going to hear out all of my freak out thoughts right now. I go to all the worst case scenario and Listen, I listen to myself I want to do it in a very intentional way and I write down all of those thoughts, bullet points of all of the things, the worst case scenarios that could happen here in this situation and then acknowledge your anxiety or your fear.
I understand. I understand that there's a part of me. And if you're talking to yourself like, I know, honey, not, um, patronizing yourself, but I know, honey, I know you're scared right now, or I know that we think at the moment that Everything is going to blow up because, and it makes sense that I would be thinking that because this is the thought before it,
this is how I think it's all going to play out. It's okay. So just acknowledge each one of the thoughts. I would make it like, laser focus it and do so. It's a 15 minute session is my suggestion. It just depends on the scenario And then I would say three to five main fears.
Like what's the anxiety about? keep it to no more than five because it, you could just go into a, get loose track and then go into a whole catastrophizing session. And we, that's what we're trying to actually not have happen. So give yourself the space. Acknowledge what you've written down.
Because most of us, here's the thing is that most of us, when we're in that high anxiety situation, we want to get away from the anxiety. We either indulge it and then just stay in anxiety and stay in the primitive thoughts and like the emergency thoughts.
, that our survival brain is offering us, right? And so we just live out all of the worst case scenario as if it's happening to us right now, Even though it's something that maybe might happen up in the future. Or we will want to get out, escape the anxiety completely. And so , we go numb and do something.
And it doesn't have to be with like alcohol or some drug. It could be. But we do it sometimes by getting agitated with other people or we, um, want to control our situation. And so we try to control the world around us and get like, it usually comes out a little bit more, um, aggressive. Is that the right word?
Yeah. Like you get snippy and like wanting to like, Fix things and then you'll get maybe less patient with people. Not always, but you know. And so instead of wanting to escape it or indulge in it, we want to just acknowledge it, allow it, in a chaperoned way. Yeah. Okay. So that's the first part.
And then once you've done that, no matter what we're facing, we can do this. You want to ask yourself some questions. Okay. And the first one is, is this really a problem? And the reason I ask it that way is because many times the things that we're entertaining in our head are just made up scenarios, like what could happen on a rainy Thursday.
On a leap year in a full moon in another world in 1942, you know, or something if it just might happen. Right? And so ask yourself is this really a problem for me? Or is this something I'm fabricating in the moment? Right? Manufacturing now
, oh, and a lot of times , we. Think things are a problem like, and I know I've talked to you guys about this before, but the limbic system it's the sorter for all new information to come in so it either passes it up to the higher thinking, right?
Your reasoning and all the executive functions, right? Or it passes it to your primitive thinking, your emergency systems. . It just so happens that the mail sorter for your entire for all new information happens to be the emotional heart area of the brain. So there's that. That is really just something helpful to consider when we're in the moment taking new information in.
Many times if we have an overactive nervous system, your mail sorter will immediately send things to the back of the bus, right, to your survival system. And so what that does is When it pulls the information in and deems it to be emergency, then it also dulls your higher thinking, Your PFC. So the way that you get it back online, if you will, is to ask it these kinds of questions. . Is this really a problem? Because it's going to make all the things problems when you're already feeling anxiety. an example of this I'm going to use my situation that's going on right now, because it's just easy.
You know how I like to de emotionalize it. Is that a word? Is that a thing?
I went to brunch with my dad on Sunday. I just happened to was already planned. And during brunch he said, listen, if I need to, can I come park my car in your garage? Do you have room? And I was like, yeah, sure. Of course. You don't even need to ask.
and he was like, alright, I don't even know if it's going to be an issue, so I'll let you know, by Monday. But, in my mind, now remember, , on the day I'm recording this is Tuesday, we talked yesterday, but that was not something that he followed through on.
So I assume now when I'm using my PFC that he's not going to need to park his car here. All morning, really, I went out of my way and did a bunch of things thinking, but what if, now it's always good to be, prepared,
but like, I didn't probably didn't have to go through as much effort as I actually did because I made the problem up. Yeah. Kind of.
it isn't actually going to be a reality. he's not going to need somewhere to go. So really, I was working off of survival brain and the would've, would've. although it's not that impactful for this situation, when we're talking about our situations of alienation, Many times what we'll do is sometimes we don't even get the heads up, right?
Nobody has even said, Hey, by the way, something might happen, but we think I was just talking with somebody in a private Facebook group, the other day about this,
we will go full blown anxiety and like fear about something that might occur. You know, done by the alienating parent or your children or whatever, and we will live it out as if it's happening in the now, or it's already like, ball's already rolling and many times, it's just a story that your brain made up because either.
You might feel a little bit like you have to look over your back because maybe you're not keeping your side of the street clean. I was sharing a story about my situation where I felt like that in the past, where I was constantly like pet on a swivel because I actually did have some stuff to hide.
But I didn't,
I wasn't yet in the place where I wanted to admit that, right? I was still wanting to be in denial, like actively, intentionally choosing to ignore my behavior, So, instead, what I did was created a fuck ton of, of anxiety about what might happen. Because I didn't have my stuff buttoned up, but I didn't want to deal with my own stuff, so instead I focused on what might happen, what they might do. Which caused double, triple, quadruple, lots And lots of pain for me and anxiety from at that time and then going into the future and all the things I had to clean up.
You know what I'm saying? So first question is this even a problem? Is this a reality right now? Other times it might not be a problem because you know the solution to it, And you can, take action on the solution ahead of time, right? Instead of feeling anxiety on what might happen ahead of time. You know what I'm saying? So you get into the solutions. Immediately, then of course, it's not a problem because you've already solved for it. So you don't have to feel the anxiety going up to the thing that you would make happen,
you know,
alright, Then you want to
determine
what is the easiest solution. What is the best solution?
What is the temporary solution? And what is the long term solution? Okay, so sometimes that the best solution and the long term solution do line up, they're aligned, but not always. Okay, so we're going to go back to my, , problem in the garage, And the hurricane coming. But again, I want you to apply this to your situations of alienation. I'm going to give you two examples. Actually, I'm going to give you one example of the now going on with me. And then I'm going to give you an example of something that might go on in your situation.
Okay. So the easiest solution for me, right off the bat would be, if this was actually happening, if he called and said, can I come park my car? I could just say, listen, I've looked it over and actually I can't, you got to find somewhere else to park it. That would be the easiest.
Right? It may not be the most, , considerate, but if that truly is, like, what's taking care of you best in the moment, and You know that they probably can find somewhere else to park their car, and I know my dad has plenty of friends and somewhere else he could park his car, I'm confident about that.
So of course it's just easier for him to ask me because I'm his daughter as opposed to asking somebody else. Anyway, so that would be the easiest solution. I'm sorry, you know what? I thought that I could, but I can't. Can you please park somewhere else? The best solution for that situation would really be for me to make room and this is going to, this one is going to be aligned with the long term solution, but move the stuff that's down move it up into the attic, and then really go and buy more wall storage, hangers, right?
I have the system there with nothing. I have the, , I have a system, a wall system to organize. Things that otherwise are hanging on the floor, brooms, uh, circular saw, like all that kind of stuff.
I have the system for it, but I don't have the hooks. So go get the hooks, , get all the , stuff up and off the floor so that I could create room to put two cars and the stuff, right? That would be the best solution. To have everything cleared out, take the time and do it properly.
And then the temporary solution would be to halfway clean it up, clean it up and put things in corners and sort of. Organize the clutter, do it in such a way that it's up and away for now. And I'm just, I'm really going to go have to address it later. And then the long term solution is much of the same as the, the best solution.
And that would be to do it right and just get everything done. So it's done for good. Right. And this is not an issue. Later, simple easy when it comes to this is an I'm going to use another example of, um, something that we were talking about the other day to, somebody brought up their financial situation as a result of.
Their situation of alienation and their ex leaving them with bills and what have you. I'm going to add into, I'm going to add in all the finances, right? Maybe you still have your lawyer to pay and you have the electric and all of your utilities do, maybe your mortgage and you know, all the things, and you're really in a financial bind because of legal abuse because of, the fact that when you guys finally split up, the bills were in your name. And so now you still have credit issues and all the things, And so it's costing you more money just to live on the whole, because your credit scores. Too low and because you're paying late fees for everything, you know,
so now it's today and all that stuff has been happening over. Let's say the course of a couple few years or whatever here you are pissed off and freaking out because you can't pay this month's bills And now you're down to the wire, maybe you're late on all the bills
the easiest solution would probably be to go borrow money from somebody, maybe do a go fund me. Even take out a payday loan, . But go get the money from somewhere in order to pay the bills, the most important bills, so that you can have your lights on, right? Keep your home. Pay your rent, whatever, right?
Pay your car.
The best solution would be that you start making more money, Get a job, even a second job that helps you to pay so that , you have more than enough to pay your bills.
The temporary solution, like, if you're not going to borrow money would be to call all the bill collectors, call the landlord or the mortgage company work out a payment plan, get some sort of deferred amount of time. See if there's.
Programs to help you pay your bills wherever you live, right? If there's some sort of public assistance that would help you to pay at least your power, your water and what have you, That would be your temporary solution. The problem with that temporary solution, same as like the easiest solution, is it's only going to, it's only going to be temporary and next month you're going to have the same situation come up, right?
And you're going to be in the crunch again and trying to figure your way out of all of the bills. So long term solution here lower your bills, do a budget, figure out what you're spending your money on. Usually in cases like this, you have no idea what you're spending your money on. You may say you do because it's up in your brain because you're hyper focused on money. But when push comes to shove, I promise you this, when you write it all down and you do yourself a budget, you will see what is actually necessary and what isn't, you know, so doing a budget, eliminating the things that actually don't contribute to your survival in the moment, right into your, you know, driving to your job, having power on and, keeping a roof over your head.
All the other things are things that you may want and might like suffer, in your brain because you don't have, but they're not always necessary. Right. Somebody was saying the other day, actually the same, somebody was saying, well, I'm supposed to, in order to go back to court, they want me to not see a coach, but they want me to see a licensed, Psychologist or counselor and I was like, okay, so why don't you do that?
And Really, the deal was, is that she didn't, she didn't want to do it. Right? And, but, , you gotta weigh out the options here. Because, like, okay, you may not want to do it. It may not be something that's convenient for you, or something that is, desirable for you. But. Let's look at the big picture here. Just because you prefer coaches over therapists. Do you prefer having a coach over a therapist over having your child home with you, you know what I'm saying? You got to like weigh the options here. It's your child or just go to the therapist.
And complete the tasks necessary in order to get you to where you really ultimately want to be like, don't allow your brain to distract you with these other things that just are like inconveniences. You know, um, and in the moment, we don't. Think about that. We just want to get mad and angry about the fact that it's not the way that we really want it.
And this shouldn't be happening anyway. And it's really all their fault. And they're the ones that need to be going to therapy in the first place. And this is bullshit. I mean, I get you. I feel you. I'm seeing all this so naturally because I know it so well. And I entertained all of that bullshit. Like, Arguing, fighting with the reality that I was living back then, and it took me off my game and it caused so much more anxiety.
I'm saying this with all the love I have in my heart, you guys, so I just, I don't want you to think that I'm coming down on you.
One thing that I really want to preface all of this with, and I should have said this in the beginning, maybe I actually will put this in the beginning whatever problem that we come across, right, whatever we're presented with, I know that I talk a lot about, not arguing with reality.
And especially this one can get, I could see how it might get convoluted. And I'm I'll explain just because I say to not argue with reality and to manage your mind around the anger and the whatever actions, the shitty actions of somebody else never ever means, and I don't ever mean to give you the idea that you should just back down, bow down, or just take no, the first no, you get for an answer.
And then you surrender. Never, ever do I mean that, okay? I need to be very clear about that because I think it could be easy to get the impression that that's what I mean. That like, oh, just
take the, path of least resistance, right? Don't resist them if they're resisting you. That is true. But that doesn't mean that you don't put up a fight if you believe it's a worthy cause, like your children, just because they say no doesn't mean that you don't go and take the steps to go to court, even if it hasn't worked before.
This is an answer or like conclusion that only you can come up with. I can't help you. I mean, I thought we were face to face. I would help you to find your conclusion, right? By asking you some questions, but otherwise, this is not for me to say there's no hard and fast answer to each one of these.
Like, I had recently had somebody me. Okay. send me an email and asking about them moving out of their immediate area. And there were some other circumstances, like, , considerations, right? the reason why she's not seeing her kids right now is because Dad got mad because she already said that she didn't want them leaving their immediate area, right?
Leaving the country, leaving the continent, really. And so she feels bad now because she got a job opportunity and that would cause her to leave the immediate area as well. So she's feeling funky about that.
You have to really weigh the options on which one is more worth it for you and either answer that you come up with in the situation when I'm talking to the person that wrote me or, um, y'all, I know a lot of you face very similar situations.
In fact, I did myself. Right. When I moved out of the state, I knew what the repercussions were going to be. Right. Right? I was well aware that the, one of the consequences to me moving could be that I wouldn't see my kid because he would rescind his offer to let me see her once a month when I travel back.
That lasted all of three months. I didn't think it was going to go away so quickly, but I knew it was a possibility. But I weighed my options and it was more important to me at the time I said, you know what, I think my mental health is more important to me right now because I've spent 12 years or however long it was it ran me out of money
hundreds of thousands of dollars. So I was like, I need to take care of myself. And if this is what needs to happen, this is what needs to happen. That was right for me. I'm not saying that's right for you. Everybody's situation is different.
So what I'm saying is, the first no, that you hear it should not be the end. This is the beginning of the conversation. that is just the beginning. So don't think that I'm telling you to surrender yourself and to just, okay, well, I guess it's not worth it.
if what's really going on in the back of your mind is, I don't think I could do it. I don't ever want you to feel like, Later on that you should have done more, but I wish I would have tried this angle or that angle or why did I take no for an answer? Why didn't I ask questions more questions? Why didn't I go to a different attorney or request? A different judge, write a letter in file a complaint with the courts.
There are things that you can do in order to remedy your situation, at least only for nothing more than to exhaust all options in your own brain, You have every right to ask all the questions to all the people. These are your children, okay? So I just needed to make that, I feel like that, that is such an important part of, , your healing, my healing,
your children's healing, even, Make sure that you're showing up to the challenge. Showing up for what you believe is, a worthy, quote unquote, fight, right? Cause. Okay, so that's why I want you to really manage your anxiety. Because when you're managing your mind around your anxiety, then it's not, you can have anxiety about whatever's ahead of you and still continue on and move through it.
It doesn't have to be your cue to quit. This is where I think a lot of parents end up going. Is like, I'm feeling too much anxiety right now. That must be a sign of what's to come. And if that's the case, then I'm just going to go ahead and bow out. Now I'm going to, cut my losses, lick my wounds and just play the waiting game.
And so later, again, this could be the right answer for some, but please. Please, please, please never make that choice. Have that be your answer. If it's coming from anxiety and fear, please don't. Okay. If you're going to make that answer, maybe it's because it's the right one for you for whatever's going on for you.
Okay. All right. All right so your first question is, is this a problem anyway? And if it is, why is it a problem, right?
List out what's your anxieties about three to five things tops. Give yourself a time limit to write the things down. What am I anxious about here? What do I think is going to happen in the end? Acknowledge Acknowledge the thoughts that are going on in your head. Okay, I understand that you think that.
What I didn't say is, you can offer yourself , the idea that this is what I do and I got this from somebody, is that these are just, it's primitive thinking. These are like caveman thoughts. These are cave thoughts. And like, that way, in the moment, like, later on, for little issues, you could just be like, if you're catastrophizing, oh, it's just a cave thought.
It's okay. Just keep going. It's, it's not a big deal. This is not something I need to worry about. So long as you've, good at, discerning Which thoughts are what?
Acknowledge the anxiety that you're having and then ask yourself the four questions, what's the easiest solution. What's the best solution? What's the short term solution? And what's the long term solution? Sometimes they align.
Sometimes they're all completely different. There are cases where sometimes the short term. Solution is the best answer if you're in an emergency situation and you want to damage control, then the short term solution is actually going to interfere with the long term solution or the best solution, but you can't do, you know what I'm saying, one of those.
So then you do the short term and then you proceed, with long term. Don't just stop at that short term solution. Okay, hopefully that's making sense. Okay, guys, listen, I'm going to go prep for hurricane and I think I'm going to have AI do the edits for this today. So good luck with that. , all right, you guys, listen, I haven't been sending out emails.
If you're on my email list, I haven't been doing it because I've been, you know, but, um, I'm going to keep the course. doors open. So you can still register for the course as of now. Um, at least through, I mean, I think we're going to get the power is going to come. It's going to go, I don't want to will that to happen, but it's a good possibility with what seems to be coming our way as well as of last night.
I don't know now I need to check, I'm going to keep it open anyway, probably through the weekend. Okay, so you have until then to register for this course, you guys, all of the stuff that like we go over in all of the episodes, this, that's just information. It's information and it's almost impossible for you to like, you can, you can do it, right?
But to apply all the information in each one of the scenarios in order for you to start seeing the magic happen in your life. So in the course, it's all like a lab, like a laboratory, you're actually doing and working out your specific issues, problems, habit, thoughts, beliefs, oldest core beliefs that you don't even realize, maybe you don't even realize aren't working for you.
So that's why this course will literally serve you for the rest of your life. I'm not joking about that. Like I wouldn't have it priced and I wouldn't be so la dee da blah say about it if I didn't believe that this is the deal. It really truly is, is a deal. If you apply the things that I, that I offer you in the course and you participate in the coaching, it will literally change the trajectory of your life.
So I, I believe in it so much and I promise you, I need to, I'm going to actually have some interview some of my, , current and past clients on the show so that you can see the kind of magic it actually works. But for now, I, I don't want to have those interviews done yet. So, look forward to those shortly.
Okay, you guys, I'm going to go prep now. Goodbye.