Crushing Game 2: Do Life in 2025 w/ Purpose & Power for Alienated Parents

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 118 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation I'm your host Shelby mford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned hey guys Happy New Year 2025 quarter Century can you believe it I can remember when 2000 hit 1999 to 2000 oh my gosh I could actually remember what I was doing and I definitely do believe that I partied into the next day 2 o'clock the next day at a club down

South Beach oh those were the days anyway um um today what we're going to be talking about is well a couple things um but we'll e to the same place the first thing is I was going to sort of lay out some principles not necessarily rules but ideas to live by in 2025 post alienation right or during after alienation begins so that's the first part and then the second part is I want to talk about the word of the year I'm choosing a word of the Year this year this is going be my first year doing it so you guys can join in with me and I'm going to talk about that towards the end of the episode but first I want to talk about starting this year off right and starting it off like fresh and

new like I mentioned a little bit last week that I never really love the idea of New Year's resolutions and I think that's mostly because I didn't want to set myself up for failure which now thinking back on that was sort of defe I didn't want to expect too much for myself because I knew that I was going to disappoint myself which is kind of a shitty way to go about life now today I do live much differently so I do like the idea of a New Year's resolution however it does seem to have a connotation with it that it's just like something that you're just going to try to stick to and I think we can make it a little bit more inclusive and it doesn't have to be so binary like that we have

to stick to it or that we don't have to stick to it does that make sense so that's why I came up with some rules I'm using that word Loosely to live by for 2025 post alienation okay actually I took this idea from one of my fellow coaches who went to the same school as me and I I do often reach to her for inspiration she did a similar sort of episode for her widowed moms name is Christa she called it game one and game two in her comparison this is pre partner's death and post but I'm going to be talking about it pre- alienation post alienation and so you can have been going through this for years and years decades even and this can apply to you just take what you like leave the rest

but this could also apply for those of you who are just new in this whole act too so just take the examples and make them yours and basing most of this off of my own experience and also the most common pain points that I see coming from other iled parents that I coach on the everyday basis okay so I have five different principles to live by words of wisdom to live by for this new year the first one is to accept and acknowledge that you are post alienation and by post alienation I just mean that alienation has happened that you have noticed that strategies have been employed by whoever is standing in between you and your children just know that when I say that

to accept or acknowledge does not mean that I'm asking you to lie down for it and acques into this alienation you could be on your way to court you could be advocating for your children taking all the steps necessary in order to remedy the situation rectify the situation so that alienation is no more in your life but since it's already happened you can't actually go back to before it happened and the only way that you can move forward with the least amount of suffering and feel the most empowered is by acknowledging where you're at this is one that I see so many parents and myself included especially in the first 10 years of it really have such a problem and trip themselves up so

much is that they want to compare this new situation even if it's older but the situation post alienation to the rules that we lived by free alienation and they're two different games entirely just be real with yourself be honest about where you are where you've been and where you're going knowing it all as opposed to sticking your head in the sand and wanting to deny right like pretends like it's not happening it's easy to say well of course I can't pretend like it's not happening this is the most painful thing I've ever been through but it's not always convenient to be remembering that we have a different set of rules to live by today like of course in the quote unquote Game

of Life and by the way when I do make the comparison today of The Game of Life please don't come for me because I'm not saying that this situation of alienation this awful predicament that we're in is some game that needs to be played I don't want to trivialize it in that way knowing that this is obviously your feelings your situation the abuse that's happening is no game please just know that's not really the point here but I do like to look at it in a more simplified terms as you guys all know because we're already going through so much so how this can show up is so many parents myself included wanted to compare my life today like post alienation to the one that I had before

and I wanted to those that I speak with want to live by the old rule sets they expect others to do the same namely like the alienating parents and our children especially if this is a newish predicament that you found yourself in it comes out like why don't they respect me why don't they follow me talking about the alienating parent why don't they know that what they're doing is hurting our child they keep undermining me knowing the person that is affecting the most is our child and so you keep wanting to live by of course it makes sense that you would but you want to live by these rules that apply to the person you thought that you were with before pre alienation the person that

you fell in love with or knew the best of back then but we can't go back to that game we can't go back to that era because so much has happened in between right it's like it's the alienating parent asked you to get back with them now or to I hear this so often that the alienating parent has propositioned the alienated parent to sleep with them so that they can see their kids and so many of the parents moms and dads both of course they're like no way I can't do that I can't sell myself like that to this person person who has been so ugly and mean because you already know with that that you can't go back to how things were right but in other areas you're still expecting them to go back

to how things were it's no fault of your own it makes sense that you would because your brain just doesn't like and doesn't want to accept the fact that they are playing by a different rule set than you want to be playing by and not to say that you should play by their rule set by any means but just know that you expecting things to go in the way that they did before is probably not going to get you so far it's going to keep you you know suffering at your own hand at that point because then you're you're basically fighting reality right you can't go back it's it is more complicated now I kind of think of it like um the difference between being in kindergarten and being in high school

senior year in high school things were so simple back in kindergarten they're more black and white and then come your junior or senior year in high school whatever problems are presented to you you've now built up this whole library of skills and tools that you apply to whatever problems or situations that you're in in high school years right which still high school of course compared to today seems like kindergarten back then but if we were back in high school to be playing the game of life like we were in kindergarten would' probably lose every round not because the rules that we learned in kindergarten were bad or shouldn't be used anymore there's just so much more to them right there's so

many more little stipulations and contacts for all of it and then of course in today's world the skills required for you to win quote unquote win at life or win at this game requires so much more emotional and mental dexterity and by the way when I say win I don't mean that you're playing a game against the alienator or your children even the game that you're playing in this comparison right now is with yourself it's not about playing against anybody this is more of you graduating or clearing levels and gaining the skills you need to get better and better and more precise accurate in all the things at your game of life another way that this showed up for me was I still

wanted to live like before I had an enemy if you will um somebody that was willing to go to any low in order to win his game right and so I still wanted to go out and blow off steam when my daughter was over at her father's house right I still wanted to live like I did when he and I were together how we were when we were single like without a child because I saw other parents doing that so why couldn't I but those other parents weren't playing my game I was playing with different players different rules different skills needed so because I wasn't taking that into consideration I ended up losing all my lives I'm thinking about like how in Mario Brothers how when you power down and you

go from like the mushroom head and then you go down to back to being Luigi or Mario or whoever I did that so often because I still wanted to play by the rules of the other levels number two is that we need to redefine who we are for ourselves so you know how in most video games when every time you start a new level you get to choose who your person is like your character is right and each character has different unique qualities like I know I'm Legend of Zelda I'm not a video gamer you guys but Legend of Zelda pretty sure that that was the case and for sure Mario Brothers and that's that's the extent of my video game playing but you choose your character and each one has different superpowers

they have different weaknesses as well like some characters like I know like Luigi didn't move as fast as Mario and he couldn't jump as far maybe he jumped further anyway you know what I'm talking about right so the way that I'm thinking about for us pre alienation and post alienation is that if we don't redefine our identity for ourselves post alienation then we don't actually step into our own power and take advantage of all of the new skills and superpowers that we have today we're playing with like an old deck of cards we're playing with the old character that we got through last level with but it's not this level if you're still playing this new harder level with the

old character superpowers right and weaknesses you're going to have a problem stepping into and actually completing this new level does that make sense so know what you're working with basically the biggest mistake that I see all of us make and I myself included is that we take what other people the actions of other people namely the alienating parent or our children we take their actions or non-actions to mean something about who we are right we make their stories mean something for us their comments their wishes and determine what our identity is I'm thinking about like with erasing and replacing right now so many of us as alienated parents go through this tragic

situation of being called by our first name by our own children and we then watch the stepparent being called d mom because they do that we make that mean that we're now demoted in our identity nobody else can Define who you are but you've got to own it you you have to decide on purpose who you are and who you're becoming not what's being taken from you that's the problem that I see so many other parents struggling with is we're so focused on what's being taken from us we forget to stand in our power in Who We Are and who we will always be when you start speaking that over yourself it's going to be a lot easier for you to show up in that role for now and forever instead of

holding on to the role that you once had were so scared to let go of the the mom for me like the mom that was playing game one uh pre- alienation who wanted to just go on with life dropping my daughter off at school and though I would love to be doing that again right well I mean she's in high school that would be a little bit weird but you know what I'm saying I would love to be playing that active role for me to be gripping onto that so tightly is going to keep me Uncle regoing it in the past and so the sooner that you can say okay I'm not in game one anymore I am not pre- alienation I'm not that mom anymore so much has happened I've developed so many more skills it's so much more

knowledge so much more experience right through all of this now I'm a mom who blink blink blank blank Define that for yourself before anybody else does don't let them do that for you that's not theirs to Define and if they we can't control what they think but if you're living your life by what they're defining you as which is all of our mistakes at least it was my huge mistake for so long is I went through you know hiding my head at the store and like avoiding all the hi traffic areas around Austin because I was so worried about what they they were defining me as as opposed to knowing what I Define me as and however they think is first off their business but obviously inaccurate

since I am me before when I was living in their identity of me I was always living in like other people's heads and in my past about what they might be thinking about what did happen it's a terrible way to go about life so it's just super important for you to be honest with yourself about where you're at and how you want to Define yourself where do you want to go from here because another thing that happens is we will Define ourselves by our mistakes we will make that our identity and don't even realize that we're doing that I'm feeling all this shame because I made these mistakes and all of a sudden I'm not a mom who loves her kid I am now the mom who made all those mistakes and

that's not the case it's a terrible miserable existence right you're not your mistakes you're not anything that's happened before you made some mistakes in the past coming from trauma right but today who are you and who do you want to become as a result of everything that you've brought yourself through find your power in it Define Yourself by the you that's come through it all don't underestimate all of the efforts that have brought you here thus far just have some understanding and compassion for the past you that was doing the best that she or she could okay all right so that was number two your identity redefining your identity on purpose today okay number three is focus on the

solutions rather than the problem all of these are pretty much no-brainers but these are the the biggest mistakes that I see all of us making out there so many of us especially in the beginning but it becomes a thought habit and we will focus on the problem outward sometimes inward too but focus on the problems more than the solutions right we want to the human brain we go to the danger that's what we're wired to do hard wired to do and that's old programming it is up to you to reprogram your self to be solution focused and not problem focused I know especially if you guys are new to this whole situation of alienation or new to Healing your life as a result of

it and I know I would have said myself it's kind of hard to not focus on the problem when all I see are problems around me and those problems if they weren't here then my life wouldn't be this way if the alienator would qu alienating and just stop what they're doing it just seems so simple just stop standing in between me and my kid then everything would be fine if the courts would just listen if blah blah blah blah blah blah then everything would be fine but notice that when you are talking about how what they should just do you're never ever ever finding the solution and finding your power ever you will consistently live in that whole the problem reality for yourself and never

get yourself out of it it's a trap so the more that you can say okay what am I making this me me why is this a problem for me and when you come to whatever that answer is how do you solve for that it should be almost instantaneously so instead of like droning on about the problem and trying to replay possible solutions for something that you can't solve for because it already happened instead what does this mean for me today and moving forward and how can I solve for that I was just talking to somebody last night who was saying that she stays up until 1: or 2: in the morning in bed replay all the scenarios all the possible scenarios for how things could work out for the ways that other people

behave it's an addiction should now in this thought habit Loop where she's trying to solve all the the wh ifs for how other people behave instead of asking herself what does this mean for me and how can I solve for that not how can I get myself out of pain but what am I making this mean about me and do I like that or do I not like that and how can I find my power here you're going to come out with much higher quality and response there and chances are a lot more action based steps to take as a result focusing on the problem it seems like the answer and your brain is always going to want to say no we're just being smart that's how it should go we should always course the alert and know what

the problems are but you already know what the problems are or else you wouldn't be miserable you know instead of focusing on all those things all those people that you can't change their actions and if they would only do this if they would only the court whatever you're saying then everything would be fine it's not so don't don't let your mind trick you like that and waste your time by thinking about how things should have been something somewhere different you know what I'm saying instead all right how are they right now is there anything I can do and what is that take those steps if not if there's nothing that you can do about it then let's focus on something that I can control why don't I

like them not calling me let's work on that cuz maybe them not calling you that is your quest find a way to be okay with that for right now you fighting somebody else's behavior is only going to keep you like powering down or killing yourself off in the video game of life I mean all right number four is well number four and number five we're kind of together but number four is don't feel bad about playing this game well and what I mean by that is so often we hold ourselves back in today because we're scared that our kids or the onlookers are going to judge us for loving our life today we're so worried that if we're seen laughing giggling liking or loving our any portion of our

life that they're going to think that we're moving all of and away from them I see this happen a lot but I saw this happen recently at Christmas on a friend of mine's post on social media I could tell that they didn't want to show that they were having too much fun or that things were okay because if they said that they were okay that they were feeling okay that that would be taken as life is grand and I'm fine now don't worry about me as if they always need to live into the pain of alienation so that everybody knows that they're in pain so that nobody gets the wrong idea about what they're going through I did that episode your pain is not your connection right and I also did another episode

that was like this we think that by healing Our Lives it'll lessen other people's opinions of what we went through we need to stay in the pain in order to show how bad it's been and even for our kids if our kids see any evidence of us rebuilding our life then they're going to hate us or they're going to feel terrible that we're moving on and that we're just forgetting about them and it does not have to be that way in fact every adult alienated kid that I've ever spoken to to or heard talk about this says exactly the opposite that it's too much weight on them to think about the parent the alienated parent living into the devastation of their life because of what the

alienation has done to them it's too much guilt on that kid because the kid of course remember they feel like it's all their fault anyway it's just the way that kids brains work and they're already in a loyalty conflict they already feel like they're having to take care of the one parent who who was causing a little loyalty conflict right the inating parents now they feel like they would have to make up for all of this time loss and it's the kids's fault and it's too much pressure on them they want to know that you're okay they want to know that you're figuring it out that's what they want to know they're not going to think yes there are some kids that are programmed to think by

their other parent oh look see your parent doesn't care yes that does happen but that is just the name of the game with the alienation they're making them think lots of things and even if you wen't show that face that's probably already been part of their storyline anyway you can't control that part but you keeping yourself miserable at your own expense for Optics it's going to keep you in a lot of unnecessary suffering so don't feel bad for playing this game well or for rebuilding your life it's the smartest thing to do when you're ready of course right but like take care of yourself basically you're shooting yourself in your own foot it's like okay they've ruined my active

mothering life and I'm now I'm going to go ahead and ruin the rest of my life as a result it's not ever going to be seen as like they did this to me they devastated my whole life and the big scheme of things we're adults right we're responsible for the rest of our lives moving forward and us taking the the victim route it's a double wh it's more than that on our own s so don't feel bad for rebuilding your life there's no shame in that in fact that's such a strong Brave powerful move on your part it doesn't mean that you're not holding space for them to come when they're ready or for you guys to mend whenever that's supposed to happen it just means that you're better on

yourself for you and for them so that you are that much more available for them when they do come when you all do reunite because if you continue to live in that pain that pain is going to affect you inside and out like it'll affect your your your mental health your physical health it'll affect your ability to to provide for yourself and all the things it'll affect all relationships it will affect all your relationships it will eat away at your entire life and if you do that what do you think the chances of you guys being together like having a functional uh loving great relationship moving forward is if you're have already deteriorated you know what I'm saying

because you thought that optically it's better to show that them that how much that they've ruined my life you know what I'm saying you're shooting her own foot and you're you're you're ruining the chances of you and your child or children to have a long beautiful life together you know they're only kids until they're 18 and I'm not saying that alienation ends at 18 I'm not saying that but there is much more opportunity and they have more agency over themselves though they may still be under the spell they still there's so much more opportunities you just never know what's going to happen but if you're already um but you have to give yourself the a good starting point now

you have to uh give yourself all the advantage that you possibly can because we are already working from this quote unquote disadvantage okay so don't feel bad for playing this game well and the this the last one that goes with this is consider yourself first and don't live for them that's why I said this kind this go hand in hand is because if you're living constantly thinking about what they are thinking about you or what you think that you should do based on your old role be pre alienation you're going to find yourself like with one like plain twister with one foot on red another a hand on green a foot on Blue you know what I'm saying you're going to be all over the place and you're never

going to be able to do any of it well you've got to consider yourself first your health your mental health your physical health your your emotional health first before handing everything out to everybody else the problem with alienated parents that I mean it's common I think almost throughout is that we people please there's a element of codependence there right we seek the approval from outside even though we don't always say it that way it's it's that we want to live knowing that other people approve of us but now in game two you've got to reverse that you've got to approve of you first and how other people think and feel about you that will come and in fact by approving of

yourself first and living for yourself first you're going to a attract a higher frequency of people around you okay so those are the five things is I'm going to just I'm going to say them quickly through I'm not going to review review number one is accept and acknowledge where you are right now in this second game of your life okay and it's not just two games it could be 10 games you know but this is the next level of your life and it's not going to be the same as the previous level was there's new skills new rules new players so don't don't assume that everything should be played as it was before so don't also don't take advice from people that are still playing that game okay that who may

never make it to this game they're an entirely different game let them do that your inner knowledge is so valuable don't short yourself there listen to what you're saying on the inside not the fear part of you the best advice that you can ever get from anybody is your own when you're actually in tune with your own wisdom number two is uh redefining your identity and not living into your old identity hoping that and praying that you could still just fulfill things as you did before no your identity is so much more now it's there's so much more diversity in who you are and who you're becoming so make sure that you own that okay number three is focus on your Solutions and not the

problem focus on you and how you can move through this and not what they've done and what they're doing right even if you are still trying to find a solution to what they're done and what they're doing focusing on them and how they're behaving it's a trap so what can you do about it what are you making it mean about you and then solve for that and if you can't solve for that because it's somebody else's action that you can't control it's either none of your business and redirect yourself or maybe you're supposed to actually allow them to be that way and you move through the discomfort and into radical acceptance and that is your mission if you will right okay so then number four is don't

feel bad for playing this game well don't undermine your own self because of Optics and lastly is um consider yourself first you need to have you healthy and evolving live for you each and every day have that plan in motion at all times right okay there are so many more that I could come up with but for this year I think just having those to live by and being open to learning the new skills to evolving the your current skills into even bigger and better skills developing and um fine-tuning like your dexterity emotionally mentally getting so precise and so intentional with where you're going okay not trying to know it all be like the student at your own life at all

times knowing that there's always something to learn knowing and owning your wisdom the wisdom that you've gathered thus far and also allowing yourself to continue to be a student at this your own game of life always looking for new opportunities to broaden your knowledge Bas okay so that's that the last thing I wanted to talk about before we I go is the word of the year I have come up with like I was saying a little earlier and I was I hinted that last week I I've never really loved the idea at least the term resolution or the connotation what it means for many people is like to me I think of a New Year's resolution almost like lent or something where you are giving something

up and you're doing it for this short period of time and it's based and built on Willpower we can all just hold out and we can all like grind stuff out but there's not really a lot of growth done if we know that we're just white knuckling at the whole way they're not a skill that's really developed there except for knowing that we can White Knuckle but it's miserable the whole time time and it's actually feel it's resistance it's friction and you're fighting against not doing the thing that you really want to do on the inside which is to me it's not really leveling up so instead of thinking about it like that I thought and this isn't a New Concept nothing that I really talk about

is but just the way that we're applying it I think it would be helpful and for me the ADHD brain and the way that I like to just jump around from one thing to the next when things bore me especially I want to move on to a new task and make that new one pretty when that thing bores me usually about 65% completion once something is usable and pretty much conquered I move on to the next thing without finishing the first thing so I thought for me this year I want to focus on one area right which I've talked about before in the past and I H do it with small tasks like I will constrain and only do like one Big Goal at a time now I'm talking about for the full year I'll have lots of areas of

focus because that's just reality but I want to with every task I do I want to infuse one thing to everything that I do I want to like inject a a a a tool or a mindset into all the things that I do and I went through a few words in my mind I've been thinking about this now for maybe 3 weeks and like my biggest for me my biggest challenges are my time people call it Timeless managing my own self around the 24 hours of the day that we all have I have a difficulty with that and so efficiency or timeliness or something like that could be my word and maybe these will be helpful for you guys to think come up with your words if you want to do it with me that's my proposal

anyway um so one could be timeliness but I've moved on from that um and I do love that idea another thing would be to complete just cuz I was talking about like doing things to 65% is and then I just drop it and move to the next thing and so completion could be another one um but what I have landed on for me the one that keeps coming back to me the word sturdy sturdiness and it feels good for me it feels sturdy but it also encompasses all of the timeliness and the and the completion in it in fact I pulled up a definition of it the other day so the sturdy definition in Mary wster dictionary implies strength derived from vigorous growth determination of spirit solidity of

construction and that's where I really like a physically strong and solid or thick Hardy able to withstand hardship strain or exposure um the the one that I really the the the words that are really resonating with me and the ones that did the other day was the solidity of construction there's so much within a structure right any old building can be built but it's the bones of it that matter it's the what's holding it up and how that is executed carefully methodically not hly not hurried rushed from the beginning into to the end of every project I do I want to put thought and intention and do it to its fullest which as I'm saying it it scares the out of me actually which is I know

is exactly the right aim because you want whatever challenge that you're putting yourself up for to scare you because that means that you're going to grow so this is one that I know that I won't back down from this through I'm going to have to remind myself and I hope that you guys will remind me too if you see fit that through this entire year sturdy is my word I want to build continue building but build 2025 on my sturdiness each project each conversation meal episode coaching session all of the little things that add up to the big things I want it all to be based on a sturdy mindset and so yeah that's my word for 2025 sturdy sturdy m would love for you guys to join

me I'm picking a word and making it your theme and you can copy me too but I want would love love love to know what your word is so if you listen or watch on Spotify then you can make a comment just write a comment and let me know what your word is for the year or you can send me an email or you can put it on social media somewhere just state it out there put it out there to the world what your word for 2025 is I want to know even if it's on your own social media and just tag me maybe I would love to know what your word is and what your intention is for this new year this new game game two of the beautiful life that you're building yourself post alienation

mid alienation however you want to see that so that is all I have and happy New Year to all y'all okay have a lovely week and I'll see you next week take care thanks so much for listening today if you like like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next week