Declare Your Own Independence (from Parental Alienation)

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 40. stay tuned welcome to beyond the hybrid well hey y'all in the healing reinvention program this month month of July we are doing how to live your purpose you pick the purpose that you want to designate as yours whether that's something that's been on your your heart for a long time or something that you come up with you're going to learn how to pick your now purpose or your Forever purpose and then I help you to develop it over the month and live in a steadfast deliberate Way live into your purpose we all every human on this Earth we get bored if we do not have purpose okay our brains get so bored

with that you have to have a goal okay challenge yourself every day it's so healthy for you to direct your mind living intentionally right it's constructive purposeful which actually brings me to the topic for today today I wanted to will talk about I'm going to push that one episode I was telling you I was doing research on I'm gonna push that off again because I had a little bit of inspiration over the holiday weekend I guess that was that was the weirdest beginning to a week having the holiday the Fourth of July holiday on a Tuesday right because we Monday was I mean every day is a work day for me because which is a blessing and a curse you know but it's still that I still

operate on the traditional weekend schedule sort of thing five day work week so it was an odd week I'm sure for a lot of you as well if you're here in the US happy Fourth of July we have a lot of Canadian listeners if you're in Canada I've been happy belated Canada day so anyway over the holiday weekend I had a little inspiration and for those of you who don't follow me on social media then I'm just gonna give you a little back story so I was driving I was on Fourth of July on Tuesday I was in the car stoplight I was thinking about something for y'all I was like thinking about social media like how can I contribute to my to my people and I was like what does Independence Day mean to

me like when do I feel like I was free and then it hit me all of a sudden it was a defining moment in my recovery from all of this you guys have heard me describe this before but for those of you who haven't it was the day that I was I was on a run in Texas Hill Country and if y'all that aren't but aren't familiar with Texas Texas is a very flat State except for Austin and the surrounding areas it is called the Texas Hill Country it is very hilly and I lived in this house with many other homes but like on top of this Texas size mountain and I guess I just mean by that it wasn't like the Rocky Mountains but it was like you know a very steep large Hill with big Cliffs that go down lead

out to a big lake so anyway the reason I give you all of that description is because I was on a run my first run since I mean maybe years before I had been in that over two year long depression where I was sedentary like I went from teaching 18 Fitness classes a week to on my couch all day maybe taking 14 steps a day which is funny not funny but I would wake up you know roll out of bed at around 9 30 or 10 and then basically crawl out to downstairs to the living room and park my ass on the couch where I stayed in my blanket with my pets until around 1 30 or 2 in the afternoon and then I would maybe get up and in the in the depths of the depression it was just that I would go to the fridge and

back it was I was in a place right but anyway so as I was emerging from that and I had started taking some steps to heal but I hadn't seen anywhere near the progress that I was soon to see and so I had gone out for my first run in years and like I said it's very hilly very steep inclines where I am about a mile and a half into this run I had hit the top of the mountain the hill and I was going like on a straightaway and I guess maybe a dopamine and endorphins kicked in possibly was a runner's high it doesn't matter I had a spiritual experience and as I'm physically jogging on top of this mountain I have this vision for how I wanted the website to look which I'm still working on today

for this new business this business that I'm doing right now that I had not created yet I just found so much clarity about what I was doing where I was going and like that there was a purpose to all of this mess I was in I'm actually envisioned being like through the darkness and looking back on all of the wreckage all of the casualties Carnage however you want to say it it was like I was looking back on all of the darkness like I pictured it like almost like a spooky sort of graveyard that was behind me that video just came to me and although I had so much more work and like my real world to go through at that moment on the top of that Hill that mountain I knew that my worst was behind

me that I had finally emerged and was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel to this day and it's a very Vivid clear spiritual and defining moment in my whole entire life and that moment gave me provided me with so much peace and resolve and Clarity like about why I gone through what I'd gone through and where I was going like I didn't have all the answers but I got some really clear pictures in my head and all came at once it's crazy I ended up now mind you I told you I hadn't been jogging or doing anything for the at least two years nothing sedentary that day I ran I think it was almost 10 miles on these mountains this these crazy steep inclines but I just kept going and going

and going and like I said maybe it was the endorphins kicked in and the dopamine right but it was uh an amazing experience and I remember jogging the last little few driveways I guess back up to my house where by the way my drive my driveway to go up my driveway was like most trucks wouldn't pull up my driveway because it was that steep but I jogged all the way up this driveway till I got to my front door and I remember calling my dad as soon as I got there and I was like I'm through it I'm past I'm looking back at all of the disaster I'm through it I see the light and for so long I didn't I really truly thought I was in the thick of it like in the thick of it like I was in like the darkest

so dark it felt so evil and so it felt like my own personal hell like I was in the thick with serpents and snakes and I know that maybe sound dramatic but that is the damn truth like I want to cry thinking about it right now because it was such a terrible place I was in as a result of I am yeah it brings me to tears because of the suffering I was doing you know for alienation and from the choices I made as a result of alienation right and the the way that I felt the things I was thinking all of it it was it was terrible so anyway that day was my defining moment it was like a light switch that I went from still being in the thick of it barely having any energy

to put one foot in front of the other to running 10 miles I know this sounds crazy but it's true running 10 miles having these moments of clarity about exactly what I wanted my website to look like the experience I wanted to to provide to these future members some fellow struggling parents I wanted to help that I never even had envisioned or thought about before it was amazing so when I was at the stoplight just on Tuesday I thought how amazing would it be for you to make today or any day your day to declare your own independence to declare yourself free from the hell that you may feel like you've been living in right how amazing would it be to decide that the person alienating your child

from you does not hold any power over you anymore what would it feel like to know that from here on out you made called all the shots in your life pertaining to how you think about your situation of alienation how you think about your job if you're working how you think about your friends and your loved ones and your family and if you need to make new ones how you think about that how you think about your home and your image and all of these other things that come into your life and are woven to create the experience that you have on this Earth we cannot change the situation of alienation right we cannot change what is happening outside of us cannot make the alienator stop alienated

we cannot make a judge rule in our favor we cannot make lawyers take our cases for the costs that we can pay you know all of these things that we cannot do right but what we can do and what I think is so crazy for you not to take advantage of is the powerful mind that you have the way that you think directly affects and influences the way that you experience your time on this Earth okay so yes those things can happen but you have the choice you're either arguing with reality or you're using these circumstances the situation of alienation and the way that these people are being you're using these things to your advantage okay and that's what I want you to do because it's one of the

other right you're either fighting it resisting what has already happened and what is happening outside of you or you're using it to push you forward okay it is one or the other so what I plead offer prey urge you to do is to use it all to your advantage use it everything to your advantage you can my coach years ago provided me with a simple analogy it stuck with me and I think it works fantastic she said you know professional card players poker players they don't argue that they have a shitty hand professional poker player isn't going to just drop their cards and walk away from the tournament right they look at their cards and they see how everybody else is

playing how they're betting what their facial expressions are doing whether they're hitting whether they're holding right they put all the factors into play for their own shitty hand or good hand they take everything into consideration and they continue playing what they do with that whether they do fold that round doesn't mean that they've actually gotten up from the table throwing their cards and ran off right and that's what I'm suggesting that you do yes there will be times where the hand does not look good but it's the game's not over that the game is not even near over you have so many choices so many opportunities but you have to actually stay at the table and keep your eyes

open in order to see them to take advantage of those opportunities okay I think that it's it's so easy for us because of course what we're going through is like I've said in recent past it's not easy [ __ ] it okay so it would be easy to go be on the couch and move 14 steps every day until you die I get that but it's too easy and you know what one day I also realized maybe it was before this thing maybe that's what got me on the run but I was sitting on my couch one day and I was like I am literally sitting on my couch watching lice go by and getting older while life is happening all out there and I am sitting in here and I couldn't take it anymore so and I think maybe after that

was the run but yeah I've been there so I know you can do that or you can play your hands you can play your hand through and out and on to the next hand okay and I am hoping praying offering urging nudging you to do the ladder to play the handout knowing another hand will be dealt soon okay you guys maybe if you've heard one of my episodes I did the my analogy for Dora's backpack and so this is what I think our lives are like each individual each one of us when we're born gets our own doors backpack our own kit if you will a little kit that we have when we are born and in that kit is everything we need for the rest of our lives until from the moment that we're born until the day that we

pass away and leave this earth okay and in that kit is like all of the tools the maps and all of the gadgets that we need in order to move through each of our individual challenges right those individual challenges that we Face the way that I like to think about it is that these were not mistakes these are all the challenges that are lined up on our specific path to get us each one of us to our individual next stage of life and ultimately ending up at the the most evolved version that we each one of us is meant to be it's different for everybody but I like to trust that I have all of those tools in my backpack every tool every map every Gadget that I need in order to go through each one of

those challenges the problem is is that I just don't know what's in that backpack until I get to the challenge and try different tools my skills I have to try and I have to fail and I have to put some stuff back and try new stuff and that is the experience of Life the failing the pulling the stuff out and knowing trusting that I have the right one in there maybe there's a secret zipper but everything is with me it is inside of me and it's inside of you you have it you possess everything you need right now to get through this you just have to trust it and you have to trust that this challenge that is there in front of you is there for your benefit it is your curriculum for life okay and

yes no the your neighbor and the person next door and your sister or brother or whoever out there that has a different backpack and a different curriculum that is theirs it's not supposed to be yours if you tried to switch kits or switch your Pathways like if you tried to pull down their drawbridge and get to their waterfall you'd be at the wrong place you wouldn't have the right tools and equipment and all of the things that you needed okay so this challenge of alienation do I believe that you deserved it no nobody deserves it right but do I think that you can use it to your advantage abso [ __ ] losing I don't see the disadvantage to thinking about it this way because the

alternative is that you said on the couch right that you stay angry under on because you're stuck in depression the alternative is you poisoning your body with anger and resentment and making yourself sick the most important thing is that you feel bitter and hurt and helpless and incapable that is hell that is hell that's not you those things all of things are just listed that's not you that's your primitive brain trying to keep you safe so you have to use your executive functions to overcome to make the choice to trust to make the choice to keep trying to play the handout be your own Advocate be your own advocate for so many years I without even realizing it unconsciously I was very

resentful at my father for not parenting properly not providing more guidance to me I blamed where I currently was and how I wasn't far enough along long on my upbringing and how my father wasn't present I didn't get the things that I needed this comes back to Dora's backpack I didn't wasn't provided the things that I needed in order to get to my fullest that is [ __ ] I think now for me I don't like to think that because you know what it doesn't work for me it only keeps me stuck wanting to change something that I can't change I can't go and rent a time machine from hurt down the road and go back and change how my dad parented me I can't right what can I change I can change my

thinking we are resilient as humans right and we are also resourceful the brains that we have our brains are so powerful your brain is the most powerful tool on this Earth you can use it to get you through this don't allow your upbringing or the situation of alienation to be what has power over you and I know it's not easy easy but I promise you neither way is going to be easy either you're miserable and in your own personal health feeling helpless afraid stuck debilitated angry confused doubtful all of the icky feelings of being stuck in a situation like alienation it can be hard there or it can be hard because you are facing challenges and failing and learning and

succeeding and growing what kind of hard would you prefer one way you're living the other way you just failed ahead of time so I know I'm sorry I just got all kinds of passionate about this but I know because I've been in that place and so if you are especially hurting right now if you are especially feeling blocked feeling incapacitated doubting yourself feeling hopeless helpless all of that please look at this ask yourselves if you are where you want to be in every area of your life not just in one am I where I want to be do I want to be further along then ask yourself why you aren't there yet and if your answer is anything other than you then I would lovingly urge you to come back and

listen to this episode again okay re-listen to the episode because this folks if you are in that place this right here this shift it's all mental right but it can change your life forever and it's just like that you can find your Independence in one day you make the decision that's all it is happiness is decision and you're not going to be happy every day that's for darn sure but that you are are choosing happiness over hopelessness that you are choosing happiness over being feeling debilitated feeling helpless feeling angry that is a choice be open to the possibilities okay telling you it's everything just refuse to allow yourself to accept the mediocre and the the pitifulness

and it is and I know because I have been there and I still am there on occasion okay so just know that when I say this I'm not talking down it is just the truth it the life that we lead when we are in this depression from something so severe like alienation we end up feeling pitiful we end up feeling helpless we end up feeling defeated right and I know I know this is not what's meant for you okay so just that maybe this challenge is there to grow you okay that's how I like to think about it this is the journey that was always supposed to happen now what and not because you were a bad parent or that you made terrible decisions any more terrible than any other parent on this universe right

everybody has made a mistake as a parent sometimes repeated mistakes okay it just so happens that alienation for whatever reason like for me I won't presume why you might be going through it but for me I know that nothing else would have caused me the discomfort that this did in order for me to to grow in the way that that I am supposed to right nothing else would have a thing and I would have stayed I'll tell you I was living very unconsciously and I was I was oblivious right and so this this woke me up so I don't know why it happened for you and I don't know that you need to know why it happened for you it doesn't do anything you don't need to know why just like I

kind of think that I diagnosed this is kind of pointless when we're talking about mental health it's like just let's get to the solution right let's get to having you feel better like from the inside out right so and the way that you do that is by taking action and medication if you need it but I'm saying the diagnosis is not needed for any personal resolve you don't necessarily need to know why it happened for you just know that it did declare any day your Independence Day that is the message today and be your own Advocate okay you this is your life nobody else can live it for you so play the hand through okay y'all we're working on the month of July we're working on your

purpose in the healing and reinvention program and I just wanted to remind you guys that you don't have to wait for it to to join in like the very beginning of the month or the very end you can join whenever you like and it doesn't there's no pressure to be coached in front of people on on the same token you also there is plenty of room for you to get coached pretty much as often as you like because I make myself very available for the members so and then if you don't want any coaches coaching you don't have to have that either the coaching just helps you to apply the principles and the tools that I teach you to your specific situations so that you can better and more quickly heal feel from

your situation of alienation and the trauma that you might be carrying so that's what basically the program as a whole does is it helps you to heal to start thinking about your life in a way that moves you forward and that frees you up from the awfulness that you might be feeling on the day-to-day basis so that is all I have for you you guys y'all have a wonderful weekend week and weekend okay guys take care thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to

apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyondthehighroad.com see you soon