What's the haps? I recently had one of those experiences that reminds you of just how disruptive life can be. Coming off the heels of a hurricane, which has been wreaking havoc— it's situations like these that throw us into an altered reality, much like when emotional storms strike us in our personal lives. For parents who feel alienated from their children, this is all too familiar. But there's a balm for your wounds: vulnerability.
Life's Unexpected Storms
It's wild how life throws these curveballs, like natural disasters, uprooting the comfort of our daily routines. Just as my neighborhood was unexpectedly hit by the aftermath of a hurricane, parents who face alienation often find themselves in a storm they didn’t predict. And while this might seem overwhelming, there’s something to be said about acknowledging the rawness of these moments.
Victimhood Versus Vulnerability
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s tempting to slip into that victim mindset. I did it myself when my daughter initially went to her dad's, and things were chaotic. But here's the kicker: staying caught up in that mindset doesn’t serve us in the long run. Instead, allowing yourself to be vulnerable—to actually sit with the discomfort and sadness—can be incredibly freeing.
Vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s an honest, brave confrontation with what hurts us and causes us to feel disconnected. It’s about letting go of that urge to say “look at what they did to me” and instead saying, “here's where I’m at, and that's okay.” This shift allows us to tap into real courage and, ultimately, growth.
The Unseen Connection With Our Children
For those of us who’ve experienced alienation, there’s this almost indescribable bond we share with our kids—this frequency that we once tuned into so naturally. Being in sync with my daughter was second nature, a testimonial to the connections parents have with their children. Even as the physical connection seems strained or severed, it's important to cherish and nurture that bond no matter what's happening externally.
Transformative Power of Vulnerability
Stepping into vulnerability takes guts; it’s about showing up as your true self, saying “yeah, this hurts,” and allowing space for that reality. It's not about being tough as nails and pretending everything is okay all the time. Instead, it’s acknowledging those hard feelings, and that’s where real strength is born.
A Journey From Victim to Victor
It’s been a journey, let me tell you—a journey of learning to take back my power, of balancing acknowledging the external challenges while focusing on internal healing. And guess what? You can do it, too. It’s about understanding that, while we might not control everything that happens to us, we sure can decide how we’re going to respond.
Finding Freedom in Vulnerability
In wrapping up, I want to leave you with this: vulnerability is the gateway to reclaiming what’s yours—your peace, your joy, your connection. So how can you start integrating vulnerability into your life today? How can being truly open and authentic with yourself and others help you move beyond the victim mentality? Even in alienation, grasp this chance to know you're stronger, braver, and more powerful than the circumstances put upon you.
Thanks for tuning in and embarking on this reflective journey with me. Continue to hold your head high and your heart open, and let's keep finding beauty in the authenticity of our human experience. Let's talk next time. Until then, stay well, you guys.
Episode Transcript
You are listening to the beyond the high road podcast with Shelby Milford episode 107. Stay tuned.
Hey guys.
What's the haps? I am, um, just coming off of, you know, the hurricane. I don't want to call it a vacation because that would be, um, disrespectful to many out there.
And it was definitely not a vacation for me, but I feel like when something like that goes on, you know, a natural disaster or some sort of interruption in your daily, your weekly schedule. It feels like you're in a different world. You kind of are, you know? And so for the last week, since the last time I sat down a week ago, and recorded, I have been offline without power, some of that, uh, without internet for, in fact, internet just came on, a little less than an hour ago.
It's been, it's been spotty. We've had it, we had it, and then we didn't have it. And then we had it again. And then we, it's like. They give us the internet, then they take it away. I will say though, that I was underestimating the amount of damage that this storm would do being that we're on the, I'm on the other coast, I'm on the East coast.
And this hurricane came hit land on the West coast of Florida. So I just wasn't expecting it to do the damage that it actually did over here on this side of things. And I know I've spoken to some of my friends over on the West coast and just my, my thoughts, prayers go out to. Y'all and everybody over there that I know and don't know who's been affected by it.
, my neighborhood my street, actually, if you were to drive by it or drive down it now, looks like almost untouched as far as trees down and things like that. looks like it was dropped in on the map after the hurricane. So somehow some way we were, we really fared well. We lucked out. Um, do you see the dogs behind me, you guys? I am, I just had to stop and yell at them, one of them, because he's barking up a storm. These dogs are here because one of my other friends, um, that lives, um, closer to the, to where my dad lives, that's what I was getting ready to say. Um, her house, they still have no water, power, internet, anything.
Um, and same with my father. My dad had, they had, his neighborhood had a, a tornado. Um, basically go right by his window, like the freight train going by all of the Debris flying by his window as he was running to, to take cover and funny, not funny, but his luckily his house itself is fine.
There's not the damage right across the street from him. Like the house is directly across, um, you know, A residential neighborhood street, that side of things are, I don't want to say demolished, but roofs off. I mean, yeah, a lot of them. So anyway, it's been, it was hit or miss because it was tornadoes damage, you know, it wasn't, um, any of the surges, but there was a lot, of flooding.
This street, this neighborhood was built really recently in the last three years. Right. And so they backfilled it, I think six feet high compared to where it was. So it was on much lower ground while the streets parallel to me and adjacent. All flooded this year for the 1st time. So, you know, you feel bad, but it's also I know it's not my fault.
it's not people that live here's fault. but, yeah, their mailboxes were completely underwater. It was a mess. Anyway, so I know that that's not what you came here to hear about. And there, I know also to please understand that last week, whenever I was sending my thoughts and prayers out to those here in the States that we're dealing with these natural disasters.
I also felt bad and almost. added in a little blurb last week, but I, I couldn't about, all that's going on in Israel regarding, the terrorist attacks I was watching a special the day that I recorded. About the impact that last year's attacks had on, some individuals, like they were, did stories about, each person, like, uh, they did have a fiance they had just been married, like newlyweds and they were in their car and traveling to get out of the area , long story short is.
The fiance, not fiance, the husband, was killed right in front of her and she was not, she luckily, thank God she made it out. But she also did witness this terrifying, traumatic event, right. Happened right before her eyes, heart wrenching, , unbelievably difficult situation that she had to face just after marrying.
The love for life, right? And so anyway, I watched, it was really highlighting her and some other people. So I was just watching that, um, right before I hit record last week. And I really wished I would have said something that, especially last week, that being that it was the, the year, um, anniversary for that.
But anyway, so to those of you out there that have been affected by that, my heart, thoughts and prayers. so much. Going out to you, another one of the stories they were talking about is this little girl who was found under the rubble. And she was the only survivor of all of her siblings and parents. aunts and uncles how strong she is today at like seven years old or something , just horrible.
And I know that there's so many, so many other stories just like that. So like the anniversaries of horrific things, tragedies come and go but then what about all the days in between? That, those people aren't considered, you know, and how much that might hurt for those who, the survivors of events like that.
And I know that we can all relate to that, right? To, you know, The unsupported kind of grief that we feel unsupported on considered, moments, of overwhelming grief that we feel, as a result of the loss of a loved one, or the perceived loss. That's what grief is. You know, it's not only when somebody dies.
As I know that you guys well know, you know, but we can all understand that, the sudden unexpected change in the way that you thought things would be for forever, you know? So anyway, I just wanted to say that send my love to all of you out there who are hurting today and have been hurting. And I think that goes to every single person who's listening right now, because, um, you wouldn't be here if, if not listening to this whole podcast.
I was thinking the other day I was driving down the street, thinking about how, , I'm so easy sometimes to I, gosh, I always wish that I had like a crew of people following me around. I'm sure we all do right just to. Understand where we were back when, you know, and put the pieces together to see how we got where we are, , and , what about the tone and the details that we remember, , are really accurate.
We're like spot on and which ones were just not that way at all. We see things how we want to see them right. We don't really know for sure. And especially when we're talking about assessing our past versions of ourselves. So. The other day I was driving in the car and
I think I was thinking about one of my clients got me onto thinking about how I am quick to say that I lived my life extremely unconsciously sort of fluttering around like a butterfly. and I do believe that that's true. And I, I have plenty of evidence incidents, I guess, to prove that, but also too, I was thinking about how, when I had my daughter, I got pregnant with her.
Like when I knew I was pregnant and I knew really early on, I was one of those that really loved. Pregnancy, but, when it pertained to my daughter, I was not the unconscious person that I was, otherwise, socially. , my emotional capacity and emotional intelligence when it came to my daughter was finely tuned.
From the time that I knew that she was in my belly when she was like this big, you know, until she went over to her dad's house. I was so in tune with her. how she was, like how she was feeling and doing and being, and I could look at her across a room, you know, or a gymnasium even, and just see a head nod, or, a flick of her hair, or, you know, even the way that she would blink her eyes, I would know exactly what was going on with her without her saying a word.
And I really was thinking about, was that me putting that narrative on her or was I really, uh, insanely in tune with her? And I think a lot of y'all out there will relate to, with me here I think there's a reason for it. And I came to the conclusion that I don't believe it's because I was putting, a story on her.
I truly, truly believe that I was so acutely aware in, um, In rhythm and sync With her frequency at all times from the time that she was in my belly, right? And I think one now I cannot speak to fathers and kids. I can only speak to what I know. And I didn't actually do the research on this cause this is just, um, more off the cuff, I'm just saying it as I'm thinking about it now, but I truly believe that, It's supposed to be that way, like, I think moms and maybe dads too, and children are are meant to be synced up for survival purposes, I think that probably goes for, it's like parent and children. We share a frequency. In order to protect them. Right. And so that is how I always knew with the way that she breathed even what was happening with her, it was like second nature to me and I was very, very intentional in the way that I thought when it came to my daughter, you know, it makes me, I'm getting emotional right now thinking about it because it was.
Uh, something I didn't think about, you know, like all the time back then, but it was a truly and truly is a, a gift, you know, that I,
I received, I think parents receive that we don't often take time to think about, you know, um, I'm emotional right now because it is a beautiful, beautiful thing, to know that you truly do There's an energy that is shared with our children as they get older. I do also believe frequency does shift , like naturally.
as you know, they get into 13 and on their independence, they sort of veer off and then have their own frequency. Right, as it's supposed to be so they can prepare themselves. We can prepare them. They can prepare themselves for adulthood and then having their own kids to be on the same station with, so the reason why I'm talking about this now and explaining it in the way I am is because there is this rawness and this.
Undeniable beauty, and just like truly inspiring, unique connection that we have to each of our children. Now, I only have one, so I can only speak to that, but I can imagine that for those of you that had several, two or more, that there is. A unique frequency for each, . I'm now I remember the reason I was thinking about this because I was thinking about how I did. I was very not intentional in my life and sort of flew by the seat of my pants most of the time in my life, but when it came to my daughter, I was right there. It was like zoop, tractor beam sucked me right in, I was right there with her.
And I would rather be nowhere than with her and in tune with her. And that was like a, built in purpose for me, right? Otherwise I was a bit over the place, then I started to think, well, is that, was that unhealthy? Or was I needing her? Um, in those moments back then, and my answer to that, I came to the conclusion that no, it wasn't, it truly wasn't me meeting her back then.
I do believe that some, like, if alienation hadn't happened, some parents, , do venture into the unhealthy, uh, Range of that, right? Like they get that empty nests syndrome early, soon as they see their kids, showing any sort of independence, they want to reel them back in and that's where it gets a little iffy in the boundaries are probably not as present as they might need to be. I was also thinking about how, when, um, she did go to her dad's and, you know, all hell broke loose and I was By myself completely devastated dumbfounded in shock. clouded in my brain and not knowing what to do next, overwhelm and confusion and, you know, stress response. I know that I blocked out the vulnerability. Um, and the true emotions of loss and instead, and I know why I did this and why a lot of people do this and instead I shifted to outside of me and I wanted to blame and look what they're doing and blah, blah, blah.
Now, I don't disagree with. calling somebody out when they're doing something that is not right, you know, so just hear that but also I believe that I've cheated myself out of, the raw emotions of grief and really honoring my vulnerability and my loss. I drowned that out. by blame, by outreach, angry, and look at what they're doing and how dare them and look how much of a victim I am. Again, I think this is a very natural response and there's nothing wrong with if you're in that spot.
Okay. Um, and sometimes from that spot, you do get things accomplished, right? Like getting a court date, you're also filled with adrenaline if you're in that fight flight stage, right? So you've got more energy to get things done, more endurance. So I'm not knocking it.
I think that for me, I wish I would have created a little bit more balance with regard to that. Look what they're doing. They're wrong. Um, and then honoring
, My own heartbreak and, anguish. I kept telling myself that I have to have an episode out there that draws the line and defines the difference between. victimhood and vulnerability, I didn't see one there. So that's what I want to do today. The difference between, um, Being a victim in the victim mindset and allowing for your total vulnerability.
so
I'm going to talk about my experience, I think, with this one, just because it's what I know and it's on my mind right now, of course, as always, you interpret for you change the details and see how it fits for you in your life. Again, if you are in the victim mindset, just know it's okay, no matter where you are, it's okay, it's not wrong or bad, or you're not less than, you're not going off path, you're not, you're doing nothing wrong, you're doing everything right, okay, no matter where you are.
And so just know that when I'm giving these to my definitions of these two, just know that in no way, shape, or form is this in any place of judgment. I just want to help you to really ultimately take your power back in all the situations when you're ready. , that's the key is when you're ready, I think it's natural and normal and healthy even to possess a bit of the victim mindset after being a victim.
And that we all are, okay. So back in those days, I think that I did myself and the whole situation and my daughter, even a disservice by immediately turning to they're the problem, look what they're doing, but I wouldn't be doing this if they weren't doing that.
I was reacting coming from carrying all this trauma from the fact that they are perpetrators in my life.
Again, just know that I know that when we're in a situation like this, it is. Conceal and sometimes is, especially in the beginning, impossible to be anywhere other than that mentality. Okay, but so when we're in that place. We. Are giving all of our power away. We're abdicating our own responsibility for whatever situation is at hand, I could even use, the hurricane, Um, people, probably a lot of people out there right now
they are legitimate victims of natural disasters that happen one after another, right? I could a year from now still talk about how i'm still Can't Get off my feet because of the devastation, the financial ruins, the physical ruins that these hurricanes caused me.
And in that case, though, I may be right and true and stating facts about what happened and that there was my house was demolished, or, my job was, you know, Eradicated like my employer couldn't keep me on or whatever it was. And so now I'm still suffering the effects. Those things could all be true, but
instead of allowing them to hold me back, I could use them as my springboard. I could use them as my training grounds, right? My training camp for the next up level. You'll know you're in the victim mentality. Yes. You feel like you can't do something because of something outside of you that happened already, It's usually past focus. I mean, it can be future focus, but it's based on a story about something that happened in your past. I think always, but yeah, we all the responsibility elsewhere. And though that might be true that somebody else is the reason for why, shit went down in our life. That's definitely true in my case. And probably I would venture to say all of yours too. That if they wouldn't have . Taking the steps to alienate your kids from you, then you would not be in this position, right.
In all the different ways, financially and whatever. Right. And also, if you're continuing to use that today, it's something to look at because we think that by shifting to the outside, look, it was them. It's all them we think that we're, making ourselves like boosting ourselves up and saying, look, it's not my fault that I'm here.
It's the bad people that did this to me. But then when we do that, we always will have to rely on the bad people, the perpetrator. To come and make things right in order for us to advance. So we actually sort of stick our own selves in this jail of the perpetrator, who may be elsewhere, maybe even dead.
Maybe the person isn't even alive anymore, like I'm thinking right now about like, if you were abused as a kid or something like that, or, you know, whatever. we oftentimes will use that this actually, I'm saying this as if doesn't relate to me, but that this is actually what I did for so long.
My brother was long gone, like he passed away, some years ago, but I still low key, blamed him. Like I never said that out loud. In fact, I made it seem like I didn't care at all that it happened to me. Like, oh yeah, I've already dealt with that. I'm fine with it for so many years. Like I was like, oh, it's not a big deal.
It's fine. I've already done the work to, to process through it when it really, I hadn't, I just. Kept ignoring it, you know, and because I kept ignoring it and I didn't process through it, I didn't realize that I had a whole nother mindset adjacent to the ignoring of the pain that he actually did cause me as a kid that was saying that because of what he did, I was stunted in my growth for all of my life.
So now I'm having to make up for The living and the growing I should have done earlier. Does that make sense? So I had two very, like, conflicting beliefs, mindsets around what happened to me when I was a kid. done by my brother, right? My half brother, but, it was continuing to fuck with me throughout the rest of my life, right?
Up until just very recently. they're sneaky and you don't even realize that that's what's going on with you because their, mindsets and mental constructs that you've been building on slowly over however many years since the incident first occurred, right?
And it could be the same thing with your situations of alienation, where you have these beliefs and these, maybe parts of victim mindset. That you don't even realize that you have because it's built into the infrastructure of your mind and body, about how you need to avoid certain topics or things or experiences.
Because of what they've done, you limit yourself in your capabilities , like what you're able to create for your future or the level of happiness that you're able to attain because of what they did and how now, my life is ruined as a result.
Now, not to say that things aren't much different now that alienation has occurred, but. When we're thinking like making the correlation because of them, my life is this, then we
surrender all of our power and our, freedom for the future, what we can do and create and be in the future. So the victim mentality, we think we're saving face. We think that we're making ourselves feel better about the situation or, above the situation, but actually we're showing up in so much weakness because it's all their responsibility to fix us.
And that will never happen, as you guys all know. there was a quote that I read from an article back in like 2010 or something. This lady, uh, Rashana, ney, Putney, it's a LinkedIn, post that she wrote and it's victim versus vulnerable, the past and the future of weakness. And she was talking about resilience, scaffolding, , basically building a state of mind and, a life.
Structured in resilience and she talks about like the inflexible elements that together bring stability and strength to she , compares it to like the construction site the structure that they're building, and human resilience also needs flexible and inflexible elements together to provide a strong scaffolding for growth and development as the leaders.
of our lives, each of us is responsible for building that scaffolding, our structure inside. And so she says holding on to victimhood is akin to inviting termites to destroy our strength and hollow ourselves out. And it's true by allowing for victimhood and.
And again, remember what I said in the beginning, there's nothing wrong with the fact that if you are here, it's this is part of your growth, right? And also maybe consider that when we do abdicate responsibility, put responsibility elsewhere, then we cannot, we have no moves to make from that place. And we, um, effectively reinforce a structuring inside of us.
That is crumbly and
weakly constructed, you know? when we can learn to instead replace victimhood, with vulnerability, courage, That's like the give and take and the malleableness of the, the joints, right, the joint structure, then we build a life of resilience and strength, basically,
so,
victimhood can, a lot of times, look like, um, not wanting to enter a new relationship, for the fear of getting hurt. or pointing out, looking for all of the red flags, danger, , signs in other people to prove to yourself that all men or all women are all bad. Do you know what I'm saying?
Depending on what your love interest is. Victimhood can look like using past experiences and past hurts Explain why you do not have connection in today., you may say I have a bad picker, . I always end up somehow, some way, I always end up picking the person that screws my life up. You know, I always end up with another kind of narcissist. I think I'm choosing the opposite and really blah, blah, blah. And so even though you're kind of taking the responsibility there.
You're also saying that somehow, some way it's out of your control and these people end up showing up in your life again, which is that defeated victim mentality. And I know this well, because I have been there,
victim mentality could also look like let's say one of your friends or like maybe even a romantic partner or whatever is, or a family member is like rude to you and they talk down to you, maybe they do it repeatedly. They say snarky snide remarks to you. .
You could, get mad and feel justified in your anger towards them, right? They always do this to me. They're always that way. They're so rude and I should just know I need to protect myself around them and they're not going to be in my space anymore. And I need to set a boundary. Now, all of those things may be true, but you know that feeling that you have in your belly, like that, like nudging, urging,
to like, School them, teach them, and I should have known better because they're the ones, blah, blah, blah. That is also victim mentality, too. And we dress it up by saying that we need to protect them. Enforce boundaries, this is where it gets, , Muddled, sometimes muddied for some people because they think, well, if I don't put my foot down, and if I don't say something, then I am going to be the real victim. I'm going to be putting myself in a situation where I'm a doormat.
You know, they're just walking all over me and I'm just letting them, I should just let people talk to me shitty. I should just let people not show up when we have plans together, or I should let people make the snide comments in those kinds of things,
we think that, and our ego will tell us that if we don't stand up for ourselves and make it known that they're wrong and they can't treat us that way, , or we'll say like, well, I'm just not going to be around those people. I refuse to subject myself again, your call, none of it's right or wrong, but I also want you to know that , you're always going to have to, Avoid that person.
And it's going to, you're going to, it's going to cause you, oftentimes it will cause you more trouble than it's really worth because what you end up doing is handing them over your power on a silver platter. You're just basically saying I'm allowing you to affect me so much that I have to adjust my life and go around you now because of what you're doing, you know what I'm saying?
So to me, that is more doormatty. And yeah, you could probably find a lot of people that would agree. Like I'm with you. You shouldn't put up with that. You shouldn't set yourself up for getting hurt like that.
Right. Many people would agree with you in there. And what I think, what I've learned to think only over the last, few years, Is that that causes you more heartache and anger and angst in the long run, because they're going to be how they're going to be, you know, but if you have a victim mentality around it like that, they shouldn't be able to treat me this way and blah, blah, blah.
you're playing that game with them. And so you're adding fuel to the fire, where you could just address it in the moment and let it go. If you want it, you do have that control in a situations. Well, in all situations, really, but it's a much easier, example to work with rather than talking about, you know, our children and you could be fine with the fact that they're alienating your children from you. I'm not suggesting that when we're talking, though, about like the annoyance. In the family or whoever friend or acquaintance that's being intentionally rude and mean and snarky to you and they're just doing it because they're judgy and they're whatever like all of that language right there is your victim mentality and I've been there and I still go there on many occasions.
So just know I'm right. I'm sitting in that same boat with you. If this is you, but instead. You can choose vulnerability and vulnerability does not need to stand up, doesn't need to teach them a lesson. Instead, it says, It is disappointing. I really did want to connect with them. Or maybe you say this right to their face. I really, I didn't love that comment that you made , if that's your opinion, that's fine, but maybe we move on and start over from here, and know that whatever they say about you or however rude they're being is really only a direct reflection of who they are and not who you are.
Being true, being unapologetically, authentically you and like the raw you. In the moment about like your disappointment or your hurt or your, ,
unsureness, right? Uneasiness about a situation. You saying those things is so, so courageous and so strong, right? As opposed to pulling back and putting the wall up and they should whatever, and they really need to get their act together and blah, blah, blah. And somebody needs to teach them a lesson and I'm not going to put myself around them.
That is more of that doormat victim mentality, then showing up in vulnerability., vulnerability is something for me this is really my work these days I grew up my mom. vulnerability was like what you don't do, you know, anything but vulnerability.
She was very quick to anger and snap back and blame. And I mean, no disrespect to my mom. I'm not saying this upset with her right now. It's just how she was either raised or whatever. You know, it's what she learned as a kid and that's okay. Vulnerability for most of us is a very scary place to go .
So I get it from her, right? And It's my challenge today, but it's a challenge that I really, truly, know is worth it, you know, to allow for the rawness of me, because when I am vulnerable and not afraid to be me or am afraid, but do it anyway, show up as me anyway, that my friends is the real opportunity for connection.
Anything short of me showing up in my authentic itself, it's a block between me and whoever else, you know, we're made for connection humans are made for connection and if we're so concerned about keeping up appearances or I don't want them to see me They got the best of me and
they don't need to know how hurt I actually am. This is what ties back to what I was saying when I first started about, my daughter and the connection that we shared when the alienation tactics really began, I wanted to keep the wall up and I wanted like to not give them credit or let them know But they got me, I ignored that part of me and I put up the front and I acted in, no, they're wrong and, uh, and toughness, but that toughness was a facade, it was fake, it wasn't real. And so then I. Reinforce this habit of me not showing who I truly was not honoring the true grief that I was going through that I was experiencing that I, I hid away from even myself.
And so I shorted myself the, the experience of being alive, really like feeling alive. We as humans, this is why we're here on this earth really is to experience the heartache and the pain and the full spectrum of emotions. And if we can get good at even the negative ones not run from the negative ones, then we're doing the human thing really, really well.
we spend so much of our time avoiding. Numbing, circumventing events where we might feel exposed, and that the vulnerability allowing for others to see the imperfect, imperfectness of you, That is love.
That is showing up you know, in authenticity. And that is what this whole world needs more of.
So
There's not a real lesson in what I'm saying, but more just opening up the conversation to, for you guys, for all of us, really. To challenge throughout your day How can you show up bringing vulnerability along with you? We want to be all buttoned up and looking perfect When we do that we separate ourselves from the connection that we actually truly are longing for , we really all we all ever really truly want is to feel understood hard and
akin to each other. . We want to be of service to others truly like at the heart, heart, you know, we want to be of service to others, feel useful, feel purposeful, and also feel, reciprocated. And so the way that we do that really, truly, I think the only way to habit lasting, effects of that is
daring to show up as you are
without the fronts without the facade, the bells and whistles. Now, am I saying that you need to go out in your sweats and your hair up in a, you know, sideways bun and or for you guys looking like completely disheveled? Not at all. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that when there are opportunities for you to be real or put up the front.
I'm saying
how can you , muster up the courage to be you, to trust that no matter what. You are 100 percent worthy as you are, no matter what you've done, no matter what shame you carry, the more that you separate yourself from others and put up the front, the more shame you will feel the more apart from you will feel.
Vulnerability itself is one of the most courageous. Strong actions that you can take, , qualities skills that you can, ,
develop, I can look back on my life and how I handled the situation of alienation. I can see how my refusal to be vulnerable, my fear of allowing myself to be me, really, I shortchanged myself. and put off processing through the real, devastation and emotions that I was feeling at the time.
And really, I put off the connection back then too, and appreciating the beauty that was back then. The frequency that my daughter and I shared. The, forever bond that we will share. I. Instead muddied it up with they've taken it from me. I put it outside of me and focused more on what I lost or what I was losing and was trying to grasp and how they're doing it. And I wasn't able to really feel the sadness for being where I was and focusing on what I actually did have, even while.
You know, going to court and doing all the things like really appreciating the connection that we will always share and that we did share in our experiences together. Does that make sense? That's sort of like, um, we can focus on what we don't want, or we can focus on what we want that we already have, you know, um, and I wasn't able to get there because I wasn't willing to be vulnerable with myself, even, and then out to the world, you know, because I was trying to save face.
In front of the people that are alienating my child for me, so hopefully all that is sort of coming full circle and making sense. Again, there's nothing wrong with you doing this.
I think it's an essential part of the healing is to be in that victim mindset. For me, I was in that mindset until I got so sick of being in that mindset. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I couldn't deal with not having control of my life anymore. And I still carry it on, you know, depending on what I'm going through.
Right. I will. For sure, even for, um, 20 minutes, depending on what we're, what, relationship pitfall I might be going through, I, you know, or some misunderstanding with somebody, I might still carry that victim mentality, um, for some moments. You know, until I moved through it, but I really carried it in my life.
, as part of my persona, as part of my state of mind for a very long time about my entire life and didn't even realize it. I was so used to putting responsibility elsewhere. And didn't realize by doing that not only was I sticking myself out in an island, but out on an island that had no resources. I couldn't ever fix any of the problems that other people created for me because I never took responsibility for it.
And by taking responsibility, I'm not saying, , you want to part in it too. You need to take ownership. I don't mean it necessarily like that. It's just like, we can.
Recognize, acknowledge the whirlwind of shit that another person has caused. Like, because of their actions, this is what happened, and here I sit, right? And, but, we can recognize that, and I think that it's very important after coming from whatever it might be, whether it's abuse from your childhood, or we're talking about your situation of alienation, I think it's very important to be frank with yourself about what they have done, what they're doing, , has really hurt my life, and these are the ways.
And then also now I am responsible for cleaning all of that up And i'm responsible for making new connections in my life and staying vulnerable enough to keep in contact to drip love To my children now for my children now and not get butt hurt But instead show up in all the vulnerability because it's so worth it you guys It's so worth it to put your neck out on the line.
Once you get good at doing it, it doesn't feel so vulnerable anymore. It just feels like part of, it is vulnerable, but it doesn't feel so, debilitating anymore. just get good at and allow for all of those uncomfortable emotions because what's the worst that could happen? Somebody thinks, judges you, thinks that you, you're not good enough for them. Okay, let them think that. That's okay. Everything that they're thinking, the judgments that they make on you speak volumes about where they are in their life.
Not anything really about you. So showing up in vulnerability always is, your way to connection. Okay? So how can you, allow for vulnerability in your life today? Acknowledge. The heartache and heart break that you have gone through in vulnerability and yeah, this really hurt that I was alienated, that I am being alienated.
It's awful. It's awful for me and it's awful for my child. And I really, um, I hurt for them knowing that they're going through this. And also I know that I can continue to build, move forward with my life and hold space for them for when they're ready. You know, so that we're not just stunting ourselves, stopping ourselves, putting a barricade in front of us and saying that we can't move on until they fix it because then you can't ever do anything.
So allowing for you to take the responsibility for, cleaning up
your future, you know, okay. All right, that's all I have. Y'all have a lovely, um, week. And, um, I guess I'll do announcements tomorrow when I'm doing the editing. But um, hopefully I keep my internet because I keep we keep losing it. So are you guys? Bye