SO Much Time Has Gone By with NO Change. Now What? For Alienated Parents

You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 141. Stay tuned. Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you. Stay tuned. Hey y'all. How we doing today? So today I wanted to talk about a very common theme targeted to the parent who is currently feeling like days are turning into weeks, weeks into months, months into years and no real progress or

change in your case or in your situation in your life in all the areas of your life. Why that is? Um, maybe you're feeling directionless, purposeless, without motivation or drive, maybe feeling a lot of helplessness and hopelessness. We're going to talk about what needs to happen. Now, if you want that to stop, right? If you want to start making some progress in your life and feeling like you're working towards something, um, this is a problem that I had. If you guys have been listening to me for a while, you've heard me talk about this where years went by. Every Friday was to me never a happy time. It wasn't a reason to celebrate. For me, it was another milestone or marker that had

passed and nothing had gotten done with the case. Each month ended, the 30th or 31st of the month was another time for me to reflect back on the nothingness that was happening with my case and with my life. Each birthday was a reminder of how little had happened in my life to change my circumstances. It seemed like all around me, it was nothingness, a lack of purpose, a lack of direction. In fact, I was just talking to one of the consults that I had this week. He said he felt rudderless, like floating in the middle of the ocean without any direction or any motor to get him anywhere. It's a great word. It's a great description of what I know that I felt and I know many of you currently

are feeling if not in all areas of your life than and maybe one or two. So today I want to talk about how you deal with that and how you start getting some different results in your life, different desirable results in your life. So if you would have asked me back when I was living in Austin if I had a plan, I would have told you absolutely of course I have a plan. If you asked what that plan was, I would have probably told you either some hopeful outcome based on all the stars aligning or a vague overview of these idolistic goals that I felt entitled to because it wasn't my fault that we were here to begin with, right? like things should go back to how they were because that's

what's right and that's what's true. But I wasn't actually wanting to recognize the fact that that's not actually always how the world works and especially doesn't work like that if you're not advocating for your own self and making sure that your plan does come to fruition. You know, so aside from some sort of miracle, it's definitely not going to get you where you want or even deserve to be to think about it like basing your goals on some theoretical ideals. The judge will see, all the people will see, the world will let up on us after everything we've been through. We think, "Oh, well, of course this will work out for me, or it should work out for me, or I hope it'll work

out for me because I've been through so much and it's time for a break now." So, the universe will start working for me. It's been a long time since I talked about it, but I truly truly believe like after all of when I was living at the house on the hill, you know, that after everything I've been through, so long as I followed my plan, which was a very loose sort of compilation, I guess, of the things that they set out for me to do, it'll be fine. and they're going to see and they'll come knocking on my door and apologize. Like I truly believed that at some point things were just going to start coming my way. I think now actually I was thinking about this the other day. I think a lot of that

came from I used to watch even when my kiddo was home with me back then I was really into my Christian values and I thought that if I just went to church then things would be good in my life. But I've realized that that's not how the world works. You have to advocate for yourself in a big big way. Especially when we're dealing with somebody high conflict that wants to do all that they can to step in between you and your kid, right? The world does not work that way then because there's somebody out there actively trying to make it so things are difficult. Also, back then I was watching like Joel Ostein, if you guys know who he is, he was out of Houston. when I was in

Austin. And anyway, his message is good, you know, but I think I was really holding on to a lot of hope, you know, and it just expecting things to again fall into place. Though I do believe that if I know that I am on the right path and doing what's next and quote unquote right for me, then resistance lets up. But that doesn't mean that all the chips are going to fall into place, especially when we're dealing, like I said, with somebody else in our life that's actively causing resistance, right? So anyway, I just back then I know that I needed to hold on to hope because that was the only thing getting me through the darkness. like I needed to believe that things were going to get

better because the world is ultimately inherently good at its core and I think that I conflated those two things. I do believe that the world is ultimately good at its core but also we need to advocate for ourselves to create good in our life. Right? We cannot just passively sit back and rely on like I said this these theoretical ideals hopeful outcomes based on stars aligning or people just doing the right thing. I was not finding my power. I created more helplessness for myself because I was never setting specific goals than following through with a specific plan. So, what that got me back then, living on a wing in a prayer, just hoping that things were going to turn out the way

they should, hoping that my attorney was going to do what he was supposed to do, hoping that the judge would see through all of the craziness and the lies, hoping that all the other people, all the other players, powers that be would do as they were supposed to. That's where I was. And that felt very, very powerless. my top three feelings like so with my clients today. One of the exercises I do with many of them anyway, it's actually a worksheet is I ask them to write out what are your what were the top feelings that you were feeling today? The ones that were most common for you. And back then, if you were to ask me that question, I definitely would have said

purposeless, directionless, and like defeated or helpless. Those would have been mine. And I know for you guys, many of you were there, too. None of us want to feel those feelings. We tell ourselves that we feel this way, right? Directionless, purposeless, hopeless, because of them, because of what they've done. Like, if I wasn't in the situation that I wouldn't have these feelings, right? That's what I did anyway. But I can tell you right now that if I had a plan back then, if you have a plan in action and you're following that plan, then these feelings are not ever really likely to be the norm for you. Even if you you you never changed your current situation and you were still dealing

with a combative ex same circumstances might cause you to feel frustrated sometimes but directionlessness is nearly impossible if you're following a plan also helpless and hopeless uh purposelessness if everything let me put myself back into when I was still going back to court I know many of you are not going back to court so apply it to you right but if I was back then delegating and putting outsourcing all of the responsibility elsewhere to the lawyers to all the people that I was waiting on. Um, and that was really my plan. My plan was I'm waiting for them to do their stuff to file to do this to do that. And once they do that, then everything the ball can get rolling. So, no wonder from

that place I felt helpless, directionless, purposeless, all of the things because I have nothing to do. There's no moves to make from there. But if I had devised and followed a plan back then checking in with myself or a coach or whatever weekly which by the way I finally ended up doing and that's what started changing my life. Things would have started moving for me and I would never feel purposeless even if my kid was not with me because at that point I would have felt determined and full of purpose because my purpose was to follow my plan and get me from point A to point B. And the person that I become, and I know you've heard me talk about this before, the person that

I become on the way to doing all those things or achieving my short and long-term goals is somebody completely different because I am focus hyperfocused on what my steps are. So, it's almost impossible when you're following a plan to feel directionless and purposeless. Back then, me telling myself that I had no moves to make, that I needed to wait on them in order for me to get somewhere, that was a lie. It was a lie 100%. There were all these little baby lies that I told myself all day long, every day for years on end. I told myself and I began to believe that I had no moves to make, that everything was the responsibility of somebody else and I had already done all the things. And

that just compounded. And so then I was not only a victim to the alienator, I was now a victim of the system and I was a victim of all areas of my life because I was never at an advantage. Why? Because I wasn't taking responsibility finding the the steps that I could take. And there's always once you start looking, it's like when you I know I've used this analogy before, but it's like when you start cleaning your house. I did this I do this a lot on the weekends where I'll be la drink my coffee and it'll be like two hours will pass and I'll be just like tinkering around doing a whole lot of nothing telling myself that I have nothing to do like oh no everything's done I'm fine this could

just be a chill day well then I get started like cleaning or organizing or doing stuff for work you know planning and all of a sudden the world opens up and there's so much that needs to be done and I find myself like what was I thinking? How did I think that I had nothing to do? There's so much here to do. So, it's just a matter of you getting started, moving, taking action, putting one foot forward and then another, and you will find that there's plenty of action to take. Anyway, okay. So, I went to Google and AI to find some inspiration regarding why we avoid setting goals as alienated parents and why we avoid making appropriate plans for those goals. And I'm going to give

you what AI gave me. They're more vague. I'm going to go through it because I think that they're valid points, but then I'm going to give you my take and what I think was my biggest problem. So one of the reasons why we as alienated parents often feel this profound sense of powerlessness and despair and that ongoing rejection that we experience by our children. Manipulation from the alienating parent can leave us feeling hopeless about any possibility of change making it difficult to ever envision or commit to future plans and goals. It causes us to feel paralyzed like what's the point anyway? This is an obvious reason why people don't set goals. If we don't think that there's any point that

it's purposeless that all that our efforts are feudal then why right also sometimes this is a good point here is that we don't set goals or carry out our plan because we fear the goals that we've set or the actions that we need to take to get to those goals might escalate the conflict. Right? And I know that this is where a lot of us feel between a rock and a hard place. And I coach my clients to move from there. Pick something and move from there. Um, so I'm gonna leave that one alone. But just know that setting or making plans, pursuing more visitation or confronting the alienating parent, setting boundaries, all of those things can be perceived as risky. We as alienated

parents often worry that assertive actions will provoke conflict, further conflict. they will bring it up a notch. Also, we fear that by pursuing or pushing or following our plan that it might reinforce the alienating parents negative narrative about us, right? That when we pursue our goals, even the the steps to get there, it could come off that we're selfish or self-centered. I had a recent comment about that on one of the videos. You know, we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. And so, instead, we want to blend in with the wallpaper and not make any seven moves because we don't want to draw attention to ourselves. So, we just need to keep in our minds. We're so far

into this AI didn't bring it this to me, but I'm just thinking right now. We're so far into um like hypervigilance, right? And survival mode that we tell ourselves survival system will tell you don't make any moves. Keep everything status quo the same as it is. things may not change for you and you're going to be miserable but at least you'll survive. Another reason AI gave me was for a lack of understanding or support. Um I think this is also kind of given we talk about this quite frequently that alienated parents sometimes misunderstand their children's behavior and perceiving the rejection as a personal thing as opposed to personal failure rather than a result of

manipulation. Right? And that can cause to a lot of emotional duress. And that misunderstanding can make it hard to set realistic goals because you're so far down in the dumps about what's going on. So it can make everything seem helpless and hopeless, right? Also, we fail to set goals and make the appropriate plans because we are avoiding confrontation. Not only this is the addin with ourselves but also with other professionals. I know that this is very true for me. I avoided calling people professionals whoever I needed to check in with or hire. Um well lack of money was there too but also I wanted to avoid that confrontation that call the acknowledgement to another human being

that in my mind that I had failed and my daughter wasn't with me. Um but those what I was failing to also recognize is those people were there for this reason to help. Right? But I didn't want to experience the uncomfortable moments of having to say that to another human being whatever it was I was going through. right? I didn't want to have to face my shame basically. And I'm going to visit the avoiding confrontation with ourselves in a minute. But um also uncertainty about outcomes. If we feel like we might fail or that we're going to be putting ourselves out in the line, then often times we're like, I can't handle another failure. I don't know how this is going to end up or maybe they're

going to cut me off and then it'll really limit my options. But we're not really fully thinking that through, right? I made it so big in my mind that taking these steps, I thought it was going to be so evident to them that I was making progress in my life that they probably would never know about anyway. It's just the way that our brains work where we think that everybody's thinking about us when they're not. Most of the time not. I know we're talking sometimes about an obsessed obsessive alienated parent, but still there are so many steps that you can take and most of the time they still are thinking about themselves. So there's that. Just basically the summary for what I got on

AI is that alienated parents avoid making plans and setting goals due to the feelings of hopelessness and fear of worsening the situation, misunderstanding of a children's behavior and lack of support and uncertainty about the future. It can make it challenging. What I think the reason for me why I did not set goals and make the appropriate plans, well, one is because I was telling myself that it's their fault that I'm here anyway and I shouldn't have to make goals or plans because this should just go back to how it was. It should be the world should go back to being right again. That I was entitled to have my daughter because I'm her mother. And I didn't say

it like this, but I think there was an idea that the making her plan was below me. I shouldn't have to do that because this shouldn't be this way to begin with. They're they're the ones that are wrong. They're the ones that should take the steps, right? So, that was part of it. But also, um I didn't make plans or even set goals. My goals were based outward, right? Outsourced all that stuff because I didn't want to face myself. I didn't want to face my life where it was. I I was already facing it every day. I was already living in misery every day. But something told me that if we look at it and if we have to take inventory cuz I know we all know that if you're making a goal, it forces

you to look at the gap right where you're not. And so it can feel uncomfortable and daunting, right? But you're already living in it. And I wasn't telling myself that. like I may as well actually take the inventory and see where I'm starting from so that I can use the starting point as a a measure for how much progress I make in the upcoming days and weeks and months and what have you. And so that was really the problem for me is I don't want to think about it. I don't can't afford another letdown in my mind. I live it all the time is what I was saying. So, I don't want to force myself to sit down and look at the facts like I don't want the facts to be looking back

at me in the face. It was coming from a very shameful and um helpless, hopeless place. So, what's the cost of all this? I think it's pretty evident. Those of you who are here and can relate to being stuck and feeling like time just keeps going by and nothing changes. And I don't know why. And I know that you we discuss um often in these episodes talk about managing your mind and finding the unhelpful thoughts and interrupting those thoughts and creating new thoughts and then making those thoughts beliefs, right? That is all fine and dandy. But if we don't have a plan in action, then that all goes like willy-nilly and you're still stuck. like you may be working on your thoughts, but you're

sort of like I almost picture myself back then when I was working on my thoughts. I was getting whatever, but I didn't yet have a plan. It was almost like I had one foot nailed to the ground and I was trying to make moves, but I couldn't, right? Painful. Painful in all the ways for me to continue existing. Yeah, I'm working on my thoughts and everything, but I I I'm not making any progress. I'm not getting anywhere. What does all this even mean? the self-development. If I'm still in the same spot, I'm still not making money. I still don't have my kid. I still feel like an impostor and a a failed parent, a failed mother. I cut all of my friends off. So, I didn't have any close friends

that I was speaking to on a regular basis. I didn't have the connection. It was just me with my thoughts, working on managing my mind. This is back when I was in the group coaching program, but I hadn't yet hired my own coach. So, I didn't have the direction I needed. I could have sourced it myself, but I just didn't know how. Anyway, so it got me feeling helpless and hopeless, but also caught me like exacerbated like I felt burned out. Like I'm doing all this stuff and yeah, it's changing how I think and how I feel some for sure, but I'm still here in this place in misery and hell because nothing's changed materially. So even though you're working on yourself, you can still feel

the emotional stagnation because there's no results. There's no tangible results. Missed opportunities for growth is another one that I've got written here. And it's true. When we are stuck and not we don't have a plan of action, then we're engaging less in our own life and also with others. Because a plan obviously you've got steps that you're taking, tasks that you're completing on the daily, hourly basis. And so each one of those tasks provides opportunity. It opens up in your mind opportunity as you're completing these tasks. But also it provides opportunity when you're engaging with others, when you're checking in on your attorney, when you're doing all the things that you

need to do in order to get to your goal. You're opening up the opportunities for yourself. When you're not when you're just flying by the seat of your pants just floating out in existence like my this one now he's a new client said rudderless of course you're going to miss out on all the opportunities for growth and for more direction right um not following a plan can cause increased isolation increased feelings of isolation without a plan often times we will withdraw uh We may have a goal, but then we'll become apathetic to our own self and the way we were feeling when we made that goal. When we set the goal originally, I want to get my kid back. And we feel

like strong and like, yes, I'm going to get my kid back because that's what should happen and I don't want this to keep happening with my kid and we have all these feelings of determination and all the motivation and even anger sometimes that can help you. We have it. Then when we set the goal, it's the same thing if you do like a weight loss goal or some other kind of goal. will start like gung-ho, but then over time when we don't have the plan, we're not taking the steps to make our goals come true. Then we start to dissociate from that goal. We start to feel without direction in order to achieve the goal. And that goal starts to feel further and further

away from us. We start to feel apathetic towards that version of us that really wanted that goal to complete. and we start telling ourselves that it's not that important anyway or that it's a feudal effort, right? Out of protection for our own selves as survival system again, we'll say we didn't need that goal anyway. That's all right. That was a dumb goal anyway. It never would have come to fruition. We cut ourselves off because we have no clear path forward, right? We don't see it because it was so vague. We'd never really fully defined it for ourselves. So I already talked about risk of burnout and hopelessness. Difficulty rebuilding our identity and

our sense of purpose, right? Purpose and meaning often arrive from taking the meaningful thought out action, right? And seeing those results. I know that my identity fully like when I started to do this podcast, right? Even before that when I got certified as a coach, I started to identify as a coach and I could say that all I want, but until I started taking the steps to really be a coach, right? I didn't it wasn't part of my identity. It was just more like an imposttor thing like a a outfit I was stepping into. When I started taking all the steps and following the plan to be could not only become a coach but then have clients and then develop this podcast with each episode. I was

becoming more of a podcast host, becoming a more seasoned coach, right? And now that's just who I am. Not because that's what I said I was, but because of this all the little boring steps that I followed along the way. Those over time become our identity. And so those of you out there with imposter syndrome are feeling like you just don't belong or you feel like it you're just not haven't arrived yet. This is why you might be lacking the repeated execution of steps, clearly defined steps that you're taking on a daily, weekly, monthly basis to build that up inside of you so that your body, your mind starts to believe that. along with of course the helpful thoughts and associations

with other people and all the things that goes into your plan. All right. One of the biggest things that this cost me not having a plan and willy-nillying it throughout how many years I don't know seven eight years um before I did have a plan. The financial and legal consequences were devastating. absolutely devastating for myself and more importantly, maybe not more importantly, but equally as important for my daughter. Me not having a plan and wanting to outsource all responsibility to the people that weren't doing their jobs cost my daughter and I much a lot of precious time. And I hate that that's the truth, but it really is. Now, I don't know if I would have been following a plan if

other people would have fell in line or not, but I definitely know that I would have increased my odds for sure. But because I didn't have a plan and I was just out in space, you know, disconnected to everything, I couldn't take the proactive steps that I needed to or didn't take the proactive steps that I needed to take to advocate for her and myself, for us together in an effective, efficient way. And so, like I said, it's if you aren't tasking yourself to find the steps, you won't find them. And you will convince yourself that you have nothing. There's no steps to take. There's nothing that you need to do with all the other people that you're waiting on. I promise you

that will feel real. The second that you appoint yourself to that role, right? You are the one that's managing your case. You're managing your life. You're managing your career. You're managing your your choices. All of the options now are up to you and it's based on the plan that you devise. The world opens up for you much more. So you can have a goal. You can say you're going back to court. You can say that you're taking the steps that you need to take. You know, following what the court says. Following that plan is fine and dandy. But I also know too that when I was only following that plan, I still felt like it was their plan that I had to conform to. So that felt very helpless too. I

felt like I was a victim to somebody else's plan for me that was based off a lot of fabrication on the alienating parent side. Right? So I could have said, "Oh yeah, I'm completing my requirements, but still in the end I was doing what other people set out for me to do, which made me feel like I had zero power in my life." Right? It's like when you're following like I I'm just picturing now like a somebody that's on parole or something and they're just following what the their probation officer or parole officer tells them to do so that they stay out of jail. That's an awful place to be. But instead, when you are the one that sets the goals and devises like a full detailed plan, then

that's you doing that. That's because you want to, not because you have to. And it's because it's in your power. It's something that you you know why. So, while it's positive for you to complete tasks, requirements that aren't defined by you, yeah, that's great. But failing to create your own detailed plan of action can lead you, people in general, to feeling very vulnerable to ongoing emotional pain, to missed opportunities, to a prolonged sense of being stuck and perilous. So, how do we set a goal? I'm going to give you some tips, five steps that you can take to five steps. Is that what I have here? No, six, seven steps, something like that, that you can take

to not only set your goals, but to then also devise your plan and follow your plan. I know again y'all, that this seems like easy stuff. you're adults and you know how to set a plan. But like I said, if you are not detailed, like down to the nitty-gritty about what your tasks are for the day, for the week, for the month ongoing, I promise you, you will come back to me or to your life feeling like you are directionless and purposeless. And time will eek by and next thing you know, it'll be days, weeks, months, and years. Okay? So, in order to set a plan, you need to number one, envision the future that you want and decide for yourself. Like, it really just depends on what area you're setting

goals for, but you could set it 10 years out, 20 years out even uh when you're talking like financial and what have you, or just overall how you want your life to look. Or you can set smaller long-term goals like maybe 6 months or a year from now where you want to be. Sometimes those are helpful when you're feeling overwhelmed. So you want to envision where you want to be in set amount of time, right? Think big for yourself, but still attainable. Okay? And remember too that when we're setting a goal, the goal isn't as important as the steps that you take along the way. So just keep that in mind. Number two is set measurable, actionable goals. Now, this one is where

your long-term goal, the future that you want, is your inspiration. Now, you need to set little mile markers or goals that you need to hit along the way to getting your bigger goal. Right? So, these measurable progress goals are much more specific as opposed to being very vague, how I used to be like, I just want this all to be over with and I want to be happy. I want to be this all to be over with and stop having to pay the courts and child support. Those were my goals. They lacked specificity. So this is where you want to hone in on fine-tune. What mile markers do you need to hit in order to get to the inspiration goal? So from starting let's say I'm starting

today at ground zero feeling isolated and alone within six months I will have built myself a support network or group of five or six trusted friends people that I call on a regular basis. I will know that I've completed it because I have five six people in my world that I didn't have before. Right? Okay. So that's number two. Number three is prioritize process over outcome. And so you want to set process goals. They're the everyday little things, tasks that you do. Let's go with the same example I used of creating a support network for yourself in order to get there, in order to make five or six friends or trusted allies. You have to take steps to get there. You're not they're not going to

just appear in your life. So maybe it's you decide that three days out of the week you're going to focus on outreach. two days every week, I don't know, whatever seems right for you to focus on outreach to create that group. And a lot of that is you go and meet new people and sometimes those new people are become friends, but maybe they're not the ones that you let into your inner circle. So, it's going to be a lot of trial and error, but you have to it's like a numbers game. If you want five or six people by the end of six months, then you're going to have to meet or reach out to a lot more people in the meantime to narrow it down to the five or six that you really want to include

and feel comfortable with in your life. Right? So process goals would be like going to a new event, one that you've never been to before once a week, signing up for 5Ks, 10Ks, signing up for pottery classes, places where you could meet people, right? You need to set those goals as opposed to saying, "I'm just going to meet people. I'll find people somewhere." And that's what I used to do. I used to be like, "Oh, well, I I'll create a support group. I'll just I'll meet people." But that was the end of it. But I never would do anything, you know, or I'd tell myself that I was going to go do those things, but I never followed through because when it came down to it, I didn't want

to feel the uncomfortability of people asking me if I had kids or, you know, just meeting new people for the first time. That was scary to me. So, I would abandon my plan. But keep reminding yourself of the importance of this plan and why you want to do it. Keep going back to your motivation to begin with. Where are my notes? Link your behaviors to your future self. We talk about this. Identify the behaviors that the future you would do and then make those your consistent action. Right? Think about you 3 years from now. What would have needed to happen in order for you to be happy with your results? And then whatever those steps are that you see future you taking have taken already

then you make those your plan today. Okay. Well, I would have done this this and this. I would already have had a network of friends. I would be making a certain amount of money. I would have gone to court and doing all of the other requirements, right? Make it a full picture for yourself. Okay. Now you have all those many outcomes. What were the steps that you took to get to those outcomes in the future of your mind? Do you know what I'm saying? like what steps do you have to make it a reality for yourself like I can't just arrive at those outcomes there are always steps to take spell those out for yourself and then link those behaviors to the new you that you are becoming right start we

talk about this a lot like how will they look act drive what will they drive how will they talk what job will they have all of those things you link that back to you and start becoming that now and that of course starts to become your identity and that whole again it's once you start incorporating that then because your identity is changing and you're stepping into all these roles you it will reduce this whole imposttor syndrome which you're bound to have at some point but also then you start to focus less on the outcome and more on the process because you're building a life around all of this which is ideal because that's the problem to begin with right we feel directionless and

purposeless but that's because we're not focusing on all of the many tasks and who you're becoming in in the process, right? You really have to become very specific with yourself about what you're going to do in order to get to that goal. This is the this is life, right? But we don't think about it when we're coming from trauma. We just think that seems impossible for me to get to. Of course, it does because you're not breaking it down into bite-sized pieces, you know, and you're not becoming that person ahead of time. So that's why it's so important is to really focus on all of this process and following through with everything on your list even when you don't want to, even when it's

inconvenient. That is going to over help you to overcome imposttor syndrome, other people's opinions, all the things. When you follow through on what you already decided on beforehand, even though you didn't want to or it was inconvenient or scary, and you do it anyway, things start to become less and less difficult. You experience less resistance, and you start seeing yourself in a different way, somebody that can do these things, that is willing to go to any length to advocate for themselves and also for their children, right? It's really all in the small boring little tasks that we're doing on an everyday basis. But when we're lying to ourselves and telling

ourselves that there's no steps to be taken, it's all them and they should have done this to begin with and that's why our lives are meaningless is because the alienating parent has done everything to disempower us and all the things. Then we're focused on things that we can't control. Of course, you feel purposeless, directionless, right? Very important. We think, "Oh, it's pointless to to make a plan because they're just going to destroy it anyway." Listen, they cannot destroy who you become in the process of getting to the goal. They can't. That's impossible. These are all like your personal steps and your devotion. And each time you take a step, you're

like reaffirming your own commitment to yourself and maybe also to your kid. This is how you take back your power really, you know, is sticking to the plan that you create because you said you would and out of commitment to yourself and maybe to your kid, right? I keep saying maybe to your kid because I don't always think that that's it. So, I mean, of course, your commitment to your kid is important, but for this process and for the purposes of rebuilding your life, really, what's essential is you committing to yourself and committing to following through on the action that you tell yourself you're going to take through the fails. Keep following through because the fails, as you guys

know, and you hear me talk about our time, are just data. It's just information to help you to adjust your approach when you get to um the next step here which I'm getting ready to talk about which is you want to track your progress and actually it's two steps from now and celebrate your your wins right your gains. So measure the gain and not just the gaps. What's different? Take the context into consideration. I have a client that well I mean I think we all do it to some extent but he's coming to mind right now where he focuses on what he doesn't have. I know that I'm here in a lot of areas but this is where I'm lacking like I don't have a house. I'm still renting.

He'll focus on the problems that he creates really in his brain. He's not seeing how much he's gained. So celebrating your gains. I do also think that sometimes we can want to celebrate our gains and want to be reaffirmed, reassured, look for that outwardly from other people. And I think that that is a trap. That is a trap that will end up causing you to continue to focus outward and need the reassurance that things are okay. And I think it's really important to cultivate that for yourself. Not that that isn't great to get from other people, but I also really think that if you're only wanting to tell yourself the pretty story, then you lose out on very valuable learning opportunities for how

you can reapproach your situation and each of the little fails that you have. Hopefully that makes sense. So, um, do perform regular check-ins for your own accountability. And that could be depending on what your goal is. Weekly, I think, is probably best. What have I gotten done this week? Um, I I do a process which I learned from my one of the schools I went to, which is Monday hour one. So, in the beginning of the the week on Monday, put in your calendar everything just for you do it a week at a time. Everything in your calendar that you want and need to do for you personally and then all of the other requirements that you have like basically your process goals, you fill

your calendar with that. And then at the end of the week once you've followed your calendar and even if you haven't you do Friday hour done. And so on Friday hour we're done you look at all the things all of your appointments and you get to check off everything that you completed and then you get to there's a process. You can do it however you want but there's something psychologically so satisfying about doing it on paper and then ripping that paper up and throwing it in the trash because you know you finished it and it's done and you can let it go out of your mind. It's amazing. But anyway, the point I'm making here is that there's a check Monday check-in and a Friday check-in.

Or you could do it Sunday, however you want. So that you're holding yourself accountable because when you know that by the end of the week that if you're not going to choose not to follow your your calendar in the middle of the week that you're going to have to answer to yourself at the end of the week, so long as you don't ignore yourself and you keep showing up on Friday to do Friday done, it's going to help you along the way. especially if you don't have a coach or somebody else to keep you accountable. Okay. So, also it's really important to celebrate small wins on that Friday, right? Celebrate how much you did accomplish even if you didn't keep to your whole schedule. Perfection

obviously is never the the ultimate goal. It's learning and growth always for me anyway. It's not about whether I got there or not. It's what have I done different? How did that feel to do something different? And how have I grown in the process? Right? Of course, having the financial goals and all the things are always going to make us feel better because we cannot live in this world and lie to ourselves by saying that money doesn't matter or that achievements don't matter. They do matter. They matter for you and they give you choices. They provide choices for you moving forward, right? So anyway, yeah, celebrate your wins. Um number four is to stay or five is to

stay flexible adaptive. This is so important because we coming from unhealed some of us still unhealed trauma the rigidity cognitively that many of us still are holding on to can cause you to um give up early, right? like you don't want to change your your ideas or your approaches to things or even start on things because you've already in your mind made up this story about how things are going to go. And when inevitably something occurs that's unexpected in the world, the alienating parent does something or calamity happens in your life, which always does, especially when we're on our way to to making progress. always pops up at the wrong time, right? just expect that

but also stay flexible, right? Adaptable to all the things that'll happen so that you can again I'm going to say it again. I've already said it. Goals are not about the completion but about the continuous learning and adaptation, right? The movement, constant movement. As you grow, your goals are going to evolve. And then of course be ready to pivot because circumstances if they change and they will and your approach is not working, you need to be able to adjust your plan without guilt or frustration or uh defeatedness. Always be ready to pivot. I do say that stick with the plan that you have for a set amount of time and keep collecting fails so that you can gather the data and then later on

switch it. Don't give up on your plan and throw your hands up and then either not go back to it or just do a different way because you're not able to it's not um there's no strategy there and so then you're not able to to log what worked and what didn't work. Stick with your plan for a set amount of time. Okay. Um but be willing to pivot of course if there's anything external that happens. All right. Um, of course, always always keep in mind balance and your well-being, right? Create a sense of balance in your life and you decide what balance is, right? You get to decide that you you you set that for yourself so that you're not basing it on some idealistic whatever way kind of like how

I was all doing. So, um, this way you don't feel like you're neglecting certain areas or that you're being you're cheating yourself or being cheated out of opportunities to take do self-care or whatever it is that you want to do. A lot of times when we set goals, we'll be all gung-ho in the beginning and then we'll realize that in order to stay gung-ho that we have to other things have to suffer in our life. And so that's a quick way to burn out and then get to this place where you feel very unbalanced. You want to make sure that as you're going that you're taking all things into consideration and knowing that you're going to have to give up somewhere. Like if you have a

strict goal and maybe only in one area of your life, then other things are going to have to set take a minute, right? They're going to have to take the back seat just inevitably at sometimes. But just knowing that and keeping on moving and just keeping the balance and or just letting yourself, you know, um giving yourself for some grace for not being able to complete everything um is okay, too, you know. So, I put some examples here. I wrote out some examples here in in my life. Like if you're going back to court, let's say that's one of your tasks in the upcoming months, make a timeline of your upcoming hearings or appointments that you have between now and whatever hearing is

happening or the end all result that you want, right? What do you want or need to do to prep for the hearing? Let's say, right? If you're going to reunification therapy or if you're going to see uh guardian athlete for the first time, are there questions that you'd like answers for? Again, I know that this is common sense for many of you, but when we're coming from that trauma or we're like in the middle and there's so much stress going on and we're distracted by what the alienating parent is doing and their antics and we're trying to hurt cats basically with all the powers that be and keep organize in our mind like what's next. It's really helpful for you to write lists of who needs what or

where what you need to address with each person you've outsourced to or each professional that you're working with. Right? So, are there questions that you'd like answers for with the gal? Make that a folder. Are there um specific dates that you need to rule out as far as reunification therapy moving forward? Make sure that that is written down so that you can communicate that to your reunification counselor. Right? Are there tasks that you need to complete before any of the court dates? Right? What are they? Write it down. Make a timeline before whatever hearing is set, right? And then the following hearing, the same thing. Don't rely on someone else to tell you what you need to do.

Don't rely on your attorney or the guardian ad lightum or whoever to give you your next steps. I you can always incorporate those steps but you be you're you're the delegator of all this. Actually, this is your case. Think of it like you are the CEO of your custody case. If that's what's going on for you, right? If you're still going back to court, you are the CEO of it. You manage it accordingly. Here's this is honestly what I wish that I would have done back in the day. I felt like the victim and the defendant, right, most of the time. And so I just went where people told me. I just did what I thought that I was supposed to do or what they said for me

to do and that was it. That's all I did. And it caused me to feel really exhausted and like obviously powerless but like I didn't have any say in my own life like with my own body. I didn't have any autonomy. I was just doing all the things fulfilling these requirements for other people. And that of course didn't cause me to feel in charge of this the case right any of the cases that happened. So instead don't rely on what they've told you to do. Like I said, incorporate it, but you decide, you make the plan and make it a comprehensive one because you don't want to end up unprepared and also spending a lot of extra time and money having somebody else do for you what you could

have done for yourself and done it way better than anybody else because you're doing it for you. And this is your case. This is your company that you're running for the time being. And until you're done with court, this is your business. You are the CEO of this. Don't let the other people or trust the other people to do the steps that directly affect your entire life and your future. A lack of prep could really cost you. So yeah, like I already said, incorporate all the the requirements that may be set out for you. I remember being at my friend Mark. I used to go over to his pool all the time and I used to bring Scarlet there a lot, too, because it was a family

environment. But there was somebody's birthday or something and I wasn't really drinking at all back then and but I was there at the pool and it was somebody's birthday. They were all passing around jello shots and I didn't like legit did not genuinely did not want to take one of these shots. But because I wasn't um like advocating so well for myself and I was more just like not drinking but doing it because they said that I shouldn't. You know what I'm saying? I wasn't convicted in my own power back then. I felt stupid saying no, like peer pressure, people pleasing. So, I ended up doing this jello shot, not wanting to do it. But that next Monday, I actually had to be at court. I we had

a hearing for my daughter, right? And it was a lawsuit that I was bringing trying to get a modification of orders because they were all screwed up, right? Because of their Anyway, I took that jello shot, not even wanting to take it. And Monday on my way to court, my dad had flown in, I think. I forget now. I get all those dates mixed up. On the way to court, I get a call from my attorney or from his office saying that they had footage of me taking a jello shot that weekend. Made all of the work that I had done prior null and void. All because I didn't want to advocate for myself in the moment because I wasn't following a plan. And I don't know actually if it

was this instance or the next one that followed that the next court date, but this attorney wasn't great. Actually, he was my the last attorney I had on file was running out of money. So, I got this guy that was not good. And I I don't remember if it was this time like during the taking that stupid jello shot or not, but he wasn't prepared for court at all. And so we had to get an extension which really screwed everything up. Yeah, he was a crappy attorney and it was his fault for not having prepared. Like the expert witness that I wanted him to call, he had none of that done. None of it done. Yeah, he should have done his job, but with a plan, I could have confronted his lack of doing

all this stuff much earlier. I could have checked in with him, you know, weeks prior to the hearing and asked him, "Hey, have you followed up or even called this expert witness instead because I said it was his job. I just let it go." And so, it cost me. I can go on blaming him for not doing his job, but whose case is it? It's not his case. It's my case. This affects my life, you know? And I wasn't getting that back then. I'm sure I did. I'm common sense would say, "Yeah, Shelby, this is your responsibility." But back then, I was so stuck in trauma. My working memory was all I mean, it was just a lot going on. I could have advocated for for myself and for my daughter much more

effectively back then and I didn't because I wasn't following any plan, you know. So anyway, it is it is so so important to you can do all of the mind management, follow the requirements, do all the things that everybody tells you to do, but without a detailed, wellthoughtout plan and specific goals that you're working towards, you are going to end up walking, like I said, one foot nailed to the ground, walking in circles, la like I don't know what's going on. I don't nobody's doing what they need to do. I don't even know. I've got nothing to do. You're going to end up nowhere and next thing you know, days, weeks, months, years go by and you're still in the same or very similar

spot than you were to begin with. You know, I don't want that for you. I want for you guys to kick ass in your life and start feeling like you're getting done. Even if nothing changes with your case, which god forbid, I don't want that to happen. But even if nobody changes how they're behaving outside of you, at least you have taken actions in your own life to better yourself and your identity and feel purposed and like you're heading in the direction that you want to. No matter how anybody else is behaving, you have control over that. It's everything. It's everything. I'm telling you because if you were to get the results that you want without having the plan and without developing your

identity in the meantime, like this new identity that you have after alienation, if you get everything, I could almost guarantee you that without taking the steps to become this new person with this new role, even if you did get your kids back in your life, you would not feel the way that you want to feel in the end. You know, I was talking about in the beginning about my top three emotions, and my top three emotions back then were purposelessness, meaninglessness, and maybe hopeless or helpless, whatever it was, defeatedness. I today make sure that my top three emotions that I'm causing myself to feel on the everyday are not those. And if those are on days, I mean, it's inevit.

We're human, right? Sometimes those are the emotions. there's something that's going on or I'm not managing my mind or I'm not following a plan and so that will happen then that's a reason for me to check in with myself and say not what is the world doing wrong and how am I a victim to the world but what am I not doing in order to live up to my commitment to myself and so today the top three emotions that I intentionally create for myself are certainty sometimes determination and connectedness or aense ense of belonging. Those are often my top three emotions. But really, I want to become in tune with what those are and not just focus on the way that I am already

feeling because I'm at the effect of my emotions. How do I want to create these new feelings for myself? And it's usually by accomplishing things and what I feel as a result of accomplishing those things of knowing that I'm on the right path because I have taken the steps or I'm continuing to take the steps in order to get there, right? Because I'm following a plan, a detailed plan. Listen, you ADHDers out there, it's okay that you may not always stay focused. I am, trust me, it's a thing for me, too. It's a challenge. But I know that also with ADHD, we need that challenge. We need the constant redirecting and repurposing of the tasks that we have in front of us, right? We need to

know that we're working towards something. We all as humans, we do, but especially with ADHD, working towards something and knowing that there is a process, a formula to follow. Nobody likes to feel like there's not a formula. That we're just hanging out in the breeze. Humans in general want to know that there's a formula and there's a pathway to get there. That there's structure. So the way that you create that for yourself, the way that you create safety, peace, certainty, purpose is by creating that structure for yourself. Okay? And of course with my clients I teach them how to do that and we go through a process my signature process of creating that in all the

areas of their lives right so you can always ring call me or set up a consult a free consult if you're interested in learning about my process that I have developed over the last I don't know however many years my signature program is a whole plan a formula for you to follow a recipe, if you will, to help parents like us to go from feeling isolated, alone, and directionless to feeling purposed, connected, a sense of belonging and direction, you know. So if you want to start creating results in your life, determine what your goals are and then develop the plan, a very detailed and specific measurable plan in order to get there. Okay? All right, you guys. I hope that

helped. I will talk to you next week. Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-siz clips and tips, be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram. See you next week.