Beyond Comparison & How to Take Advantage of the Blackout for Alienated Parents

You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 132. Stay tuned. Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milsford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter. G. Stay tuned. Hey y'all. What's happening? I'm going to be standing and sitting and standing and sitting today. So, if you're watching, you'll see I'm playing musical chairs because because of my back and my hips fully. But anyway, um

so today I want to talk with you guys about feeling like you're not enough. Maybe not all the time or full the way through and I'll explain here in a second, but comparing yourself out or just feeling unsure of your any of the roles that you play in life really, but especially of course since this is a podcast about alienation, then especially of course with your children. So this came up for me because and I spoke about this in the Facebook group I think on Fridays back in the fall. I found out where my daughter was going to school because I went and stopped on Instagram. I don't do it very often. I do it um you know every nine or 10 months or so. I don't go visit her

social media because as I've shared with you guys before, I don't love where my mind goes when I go and look. And I think that sometimes like that emotional part of our brain will get addicted to going and checking um and seeing what how they're doing and what they're doing based off of what they're posting. And as we all know um it's never really or it's not always really in the true depiction of how they're doing. They used to follow me basically and so I stopped doing it a long time ago. I never really, you know, anyway because she is getting ready to turn 18. She's getting ready to graduate high school. A lot of big things are happening for her in this next couple months. It's thrown

my mind. Uh I've been lowkey avoiding going. It's been just one of those things that keeps popping up like, "Hey, you should go check her social media and see what's going on with her." And then I put it away and don't. And I was trying to figure out the other day like why am I doing that? And I think that the answer I've landed on today is besides everything that I just kind of shared with you as far as why I don't really like it in general. I think the real reason why I haven't been going is because I'm telling myself, not that I can't deal with it, but I think it's basically, if I'm going to put it in a nutshell, I've been avoiding facing me, right? As with everything. Um, I've been

avoiding the reality check, if you will, of what I will find there or what I was going to find there. Not that I was expecting anything bad to to be there, you know, for her on her pages at all, but more what my mind was going to do with it. And then of course, I didn't go check today. And weirdly enough, my mom had called this week and asked me, "Hey, what's going on with Scarlet?" And I was like, "I have no idea as normal." But it just gave me one more push to go and and check in. Also too, I had, you know, all these Facebook memories pop up on my Easter Facebook memories pop up on my phone today. So, I saw those first and then I was like, "Okay, Shelby, it's

really time to just go look and see." So, I did. And what came up for me, I'm of course super happy for her. But my fear and the reason why I think I haven't checked. There's a fear there that now like after all this time where I knew and I've just sort of accepted that I wasn't going to see her since her dad shut down the visits 3 years ago and shut down the Zoom visits 2 years ago. Um I just set an expectation in my head that I was not going to be seeing her and that was because she was over at her dad's house, right? And it's not allowed. But now that we're coming up on the cusp of a different era for her where she will be off on her own. Now I do know that she's it's complex, right?

There's a lot of variables that come into play for her and her mind and how she's thinking about her situation, herself, her dad, her stepmom, and then of course me. There's so much that plays into that. But me, I think I was telling myself that I didn't want to face it if she didn't want to see me. And even more that cuz I'm not expecting my phone to start ringing or anything like that on her 18th birthday or even when she goes to school. But even more, the emotional part of my brain or something back in my subconscious is offering that I'm not going to be enough. That I'm not going to be able to offer her what she is used to. Is if it ever does come up, if she

ever does reach out, that I'm not going to have the creature comforts that I once did, once provided her and what she's been used to for all this time, right? She has grown up privileged privileged you know though I once lived that way I really today I I just don't it's not that I don't like money and I don't choose money because of course I do but I really have chosen to spend a lot of my time giving service like doing service work and giving back right so I'm not able to provide for her with all of the extras like she is used to and I know that she's not even asking that but I guess the idea in my head is if it ever came down to it, she would see that and what would she make that mean, you

know? And so I had this like debate going on in my head between what I know to be true about me, what I know to be true about my enoughness and my worthiness, you know, like I know that the love and the nurturing and the, you know, unconditional support and presence like really be the ability to really be present for her. I know that that's there and that that is more than enough. More than enough, you know, but at the same time, because of where she's come from, there's this other part of me, she may doubtful part of me that's saying, "Yeah, but you don't have what she thinks that she needs or wants, and she may pity you or she may look down on you or something." I I can't I I haven't

done a like a full thought download on this right now. I'm just doing it verbally with you. And like I said, much of me, most of me believes what I just told you, right? Like I know I'm more than enough, but I also have this part of me that says, "Yeah, things are different for me than they once were, different than how she was raised." And also how she thinks these days, I don't know, you know, but like I can only assume that with the influences that she has had, the values are different on at least some things. I don't ever want to underestimate her or overestimate. You know what I'm saying though? Things are bound to be different. And I have already accepted long time ago that she

may not value what I value. it is okay. But when push comes to sub and now we're getting to that point where it's a possibility that things, you know, it's not out in left field, it's a possibility that we could actually at some point reunite in some way. And I always want to be open to that possibility, right? I never want to shut myself down from that possibility. I'm not pining away and, you know, ringing my hands and rocking in my seat like I might have years and years ago. But like I said, I've got this sort of debate going on in my head. And that's not that it's an overwhelming I'm not enough. It's just then there's this compartment, I guess, or department in my brain

that's telling me that I might not be. It's considering the possibility, the very real possibility that she's going to believe that I'm not, that I'm less than. And that's it really truly is okay. I mean it's heartbreaking, you know, but I also know that I can't control how she feels. Anyway, if you are here in this spot and you are having a tough time and maybe for you your the not enoughness like me at one point sort of outweighed mostly outweighed my worthiness my true belief that I was worthy enough and already equipped with more than enough to offer as a parent. You know there was a time where I would have told you that I believed I was worthy but I didn't

really believe it. you know, so I I get you if you're there and it just takes it takes some work. And so I'm going to give you some tips on what I've done and what I continue to do because I do think that this is such a natural human tendency to be this way, especially coming from what we have and when we're being alienated from our children. This is so understandable, relatable to feel that way. also like to compare yourself out just kind of how I was explaining with me as far as like well I know what she's being given what her dad is offering her and I know that not all of you have the same situation as I do I know a lot of you do but not everybody where the other parent makes more money

or has access to more money than you might right but we all I know share the feeling of being picked over you know rejected it's just natural to feel the mix of emotions 100% natural to have very conflicting emotions, thoughts and emotions going on in you. Um, at the very same time, it's nothing to judge yourself for. And it doesn't mean that just because you have the thought that I'm not enough that you need to believe that thought. That's really what I always want to hammer in for you guys. Just because it occurred to you doesn't mean that you have to continue thinking it or believing it. Especially if you're keeping up with your kiddo on social media, it is so

difficult to gauge what's really going on with them by Instagram, by Tik Tok. It is very difficult to get the full picture as I know that you guys all know. But I think it's really important to call out the thoughts and emotions that are happening for you if they're not working for you, right? Or you know that you don't want to go there. um especially when we talk about getting into that comparison trap. Okay, for me because the comparison is the material things then I've been reminding myself about the deeper more meaningful aspects to my relationship with her even on my side of things and I know that what I have to offer like I was just sharing just now and also last week is

meaningful, genuine and has staying power. what I have to offer is fulfilling for the long run and the same for you guys. So the importance that I wrote down here is number one your value is not measured by material things. Love, support, kindness, emotional presence, um the willingness to be vulnerable and to welcome vulnerability from them are far more impactful in the long run than any material gift. You know what's that saying? It's um my Angel quote. It's not what you say and it's not what you do, but it's how people feel when they leave you. Some version of that is applicable here for each and every one of us. It's not what is being given to her. The emphasis for

me anyway, and I have a feeling most of you, I want it to always be about creating positive and lasting emotional experiences with her. As parents, I think that that's our duty to them, but also our gift to them is to be able to instill a foundation and a sense of peace and enoughness in men. And so I know for me um and this comes up from for a lot of parents that I know like and it did for me too like back in the day when I was still seeing her and I was still living in Austin and she was coming over to the house to our house the house that she lived in with me um for visits. They were still supervised. But I would spend hours before she came over getting the house perfectly clean.

She lived in the house, you know, her room was still exactly the same as it was. But I needed everything to be so so perfect, like sparkling, because I did know that back then that I couldn't offer her much more and she was only going to be there for a short time. So, I needed everything to be perfect. I would stress way stress out for the 24 hours leading up to her coming. And then when she finally got there, I could exhale, but I was still while she was there, I know looking back on edge, you know, because I wanted to make everything perfect for her. And that was coming from, you know, unworthiness and feeling like I didn't have what it took to mother her properly. Again, even back

then, I also knew that I was everything that she needed, too. That I was a good mom to her, more than a good mom to her, you know. Anyway, but I know that a lot of parents, if you're still seeing your kids, a lot of my clients have this same feeling where they feel like they need to be the Mickey Mouse parent, dad or mom, you know, they want to spend all the money that they have like going above and beyond what they know that their limits really are. They what they want them to be, like their spending limits, you know, but they'll go above and beyond because they want to leave this lasting impression. And I'm not saying don't do that. Only do that if you want to do that. But why are you

doing that, right? Are you doing that? coming from fear and not enoughness or are you doing that coming from all all the love in the world and you know you have the money that you're being ready to spend. Do you know what I'm saying? Because going right back to that my analy quote doesn't matter what you get but it doesn't matter what you say. What matters is how they feel when they leave you. And now we cannot control how they feel. Right? But we can control how we feel when we're in front of them. And that makes all the difference in the world because if we show up feeling not enough and anxious, you know, feeling a little chaotic inside, not unsure of ourselves, that will even if only

through vibrations, even if you say all the right things and do all the right things in your mind, if you have that the uneasiness sort of vibration going on inside of you, that is what will show through. And your kids pick up on everything. I'm not saying this to to instill any sort of fear on you at all, but I'm saying this more like really work on not how you are received, and I know I'm contradicting myself here because I just talked about this quote, how they feel when you leave them, but not how you're received by them because then you're always going to be outside of your head and feeling like you have to control the situation, right? But instead on creating

enoughness inside you beforehand and then during showing up in that way, you know, when you do see them, creating a feeling of groundedness and assuredness in yourself, in your role is always going to spill over into them. Even if right now they're not open to receiving you and like the exchange, right? if maybe if they're like closed off. You showing up and feeling okay about you on the inside and not feeling even if you don't express anything needy or like wanting them to respond in certain ways, it is going to by you feeling centered and feeling sure of who you are and what you're able to provide is going to rub off on them even if in small doses. You may not see it, but in the long run, I

promise you it will. So, just know that, you know, I'm right now I'm like, well, I'm telling you all this. I'm thinking about back in the day when then after she was coming to the house and they put the it on coming over to the house, which was didn't make sense. We started meeting at a public place, we would go to the Galleria in Austin and be haven. So, we would walk around the galleria for, you know, a few hours every time we met, which got really old after 2 years of doing that. But every time I showed up, I mean, I tried to anyway. And towards the end, I got really good at doing it. But in the beginning, I'm sure I had some issues cuz I still wasn't fully doing this work. But I really

tried to be at ease with who I was and who she was and the situation. Even though I didn't want to accept the situation as it was, I also didn't want to spend the whole time I was with her thinking about and comparing myself to how she has it when she's with them, how she's receiving me while we're together. What is she thinking about me? Am I doing it wrong? Am I blah blah blah? Because all that chatter will get louder and louder and louder the more that you listen to it. You know what I'm saying? If you're telling yourself you're not enough and then you go and you meet with them, wherever it is that that's happening, if they're not responding to you in the right way or they take a

couple extra seconds to respond to a question that you asked or whatever, the entire time you're going to be up in your head trying to figure out how to get back in the right place with them again. And so it's going to feel very neurotic and uh needy and extra. And so if you just get be become sure of who you are to them even when they don't realize it, you're able to be more present for them. So your value is not measured by material things like I just said, right? The love and sport kindness, emotional presence are far more impactful. Your kiddo will eventually, just like my kiddo will too. And I just have to remind myself of this, will eventually come to understand

that what you have to offer, what I have to offer is more than enough, more than adequate. You know, it just may be a time game. You may be playing the long game. Chances are with my daughter, she's not going to think it's enough. And that's okay. So long as I keep reminding myself that I know it is enough. to focus on what you can control, which is what I just kind of went over. Like when I was talking about meeting her at the galleria, I could have been thinking about all the things that um I couldn't control and the fact that the situation was what it was and that she might be thinking about me this way and they're thinking about me and the alienating parent and stepmom are

thinking about me in another way and they're doing this to with me and all the things and then I can feel completely um like sideswiped, you know, like and um slighted in every area and coming from from a disadvantage and from if I'm thinking that I'm coming from a disadvantage when it comes to mothering my own daughter, I'm always going to feel out of control. Always going to feel out of control because I'm coming from a disadvantage. Why? Because they took it from me. Well, I'm constantly thinking that they have taken it from me. Then the only way that I'm going to be able to gain it back is by them giving it back. And that's not going to happen. So, I have to realize that I

have so much more in my control than I'm actually acknowledging, you know? Okay. So, reframe your thinking, too, and really, really lean into what makes you special as a parent, as a mother, father, as a woman or a man. What makes you special? Begin to love that in yourself. This is so important. And I know I've talked about it with you guys on more than one occasion. The whole idea of developing self-love is so ambiguous and so like uh vague, you know? It just seems like what do you mean love yourself? How are you supposed to love yourself? It's by acknowledging and like I just said, leaning into all of the good, the bad, the middle of the road, every part of you, learning how to

harness all the good qualities that you have. You're going to label them bad or good. None of the qualities are bad or good. But you know what I'm saying? Like the qualities that you love, love, love about yourself, really lean into those hard and learn how to make the most of them. Same thing with the qualities that you don't love about yourself so much. Like we're all given, you know, the gamut. Even the things that you think are bad about you right now, there's a reason that those things are there. Either that something that maybe you want to change that served you before and you can just say goodbye to that quality and move forward with the qualities that you do want. Or you can

learn how to embrace the quality that you haven't yet figured out how to change if you even want to do that at all. Maybe you're just like, "Okay, there's parts of me that I don't necessarily love right now, but that's just cuz I haven't figured out how to harness them. Let's figure that out." You know? Okay. So, reframe your thinking about what makes you special and what makes you unique and owning that because just because they serve it to them in one way, they meaning the alienating parent, right? Or alienating person, whoever is doing this, right? Just because they serve it up one way, doesn't mean that that's the only way. So, how is it that what you offer like

adds more texture and beauty to your world, to their world, to your kiddos world, right? And to everybody you're in relationship with. So, just reframe your thinking from like have not to also have different but equal. You know, it doesn't if we come from a place of well, I have this and they don't, right? Talking about like the alienating parents. Oh, well, they're just offering money and that's just fake. I wouldn't go there because when you start to put yourself in a on a pedestal compared to them, you're going to find yourself in a shame cycle. Judgment always brings us back to a shame cycle. So, if you can just level the playing field in your mind, no matter what they're giving to

them, you have other things that you can give. You know, it doesn't have to be about tattoo. Okay. Trust in the long game. I have an episode on that. I think it was back right around this time last year, actually. I think it was in May of last year. Are you playing the long game? Slow and steady wins the race. Right now, if you are in a I want to say dark spot, but that's not what I mean. Like a silent spot where there's no communication and you guys just um they've either blocked you or there's no exchanges going on right now. Use this time. This time is I I chose to think of it as like this was gifted to me. sort of like I think of it um you know how like when 2020 came around and COVID

came where everybody's life was put on halt during that time people got innovative and started doing different things with their life right they really started to lean into you know self-care and all the other things that they couldn't do necessarily at a office right well I sort of think of this time for us like that quiet time when there's no contact this is your time to take advantage of like using this all of this time to learn how to love you again so that you don't need them to love you. That's what's really in the end if you can give yourself that learning how to love yourself so you don't need them and not in a defensive way like I don't need them anyway but more like I love myself

so much I have enough love for myself and my children that don't they don't need to do a damn thing because I have enough of it to to go around four times over. you know, they can keep being like this and it's okay because I have enough love for all of us or for the both of us depending on how much kids you have. You know, if you get to when you get to that point, then the gift that you give back when you do reconnect is now you're modeling something that they have not seen. This is priceless to show them, to model to them what true self love and unconditional love, parent child love really is. No expectations. So this is your time during this blackout time, you know, if

you will to to do that work, you know, so that you can ready yourself for when they do come back. Kind of like I've been doing for the last eight years. And I know like after like talking with you guys, saying all this out loud, basically doing an uh audible thought download, I know that I am ready. I've been ready for her to reach out whenever that is. And I'm also okay if she doesn't. I really truly am. It's just that we have it's like that ego part of me um today and yesterday is like, "You're not enough. Maybe you're not enough. Maybe she's going to look at you and judge you or pity you or something something. I don't know. But it really is just my ego just trying to

with me. And that's okay. It's so normal. This is expected. You're a human being. You're going to have these conflicting emotions like that. But you are enough. You are perfect. You There's no mistake that you are your child or children's parent, right? And they are your children. It is this way for a reason. You were supposed to give them exactly who you are. Guess them with exactly who you are um for their world, for their life, for their best interests moving forward, whenever that is. And it may be also that it was just always going to like I believe as you guys know it was always going to happen this way that there was going to be this blackout period, if you will, this time when we

weren't doing these exchanges. That's okay because when we do end up resuming our communication, I'm going to be that much more available for her. So anyway, okay. So I have a game that you can play or an exercise that you can do if you're working on uh believing in your worthiness. Like as you know, maybe from me, maybe from others, but I tell you all the time that your worthiness is already. It is was given to you the day that you were born. You are enough. You were born enough. you will always be enough. Nothing that you could do or say will ever make you more enough than you already are. Right? Okay. But we don't always believe that. We could say that we believe it like how I was. I said

that I believed that my whole life. Oh yeah, I know them more than enough. I love me. But on the inside, I had these contradicting thoughts and beliefs about myself like maybe I'm not enough. Look at the way everybody else does it. How come I can't do it that way? You know, all that. If you have that debate going on in your brain and you're really wanting to work towards feeling enough, then I have a game that you can play or an exercise that you can do. It requires the participation of at least one other person, somebody that you know, love, and trust, family member, bestie, whatever. get on the phone with them or even better face to face with them so that you keep eye contact which is so

difficult to do when you do an exercise like this. It requires you to be very vulnerable but I'm telling you this will uple your thoughts about yourself if you continue to do this on a regular basis. It will really really put the gas pedal on your belief positive thoughts about yourself. You tell them. You can do it reciprocal, right? But for you, tell them, share with them one thing that you really love about yourself today. I really love that I have been courageous enough to start this new goal for myself or whatever it is, right? I love that I'm funny. And then they say to you something different that they really love about you, something that you didn't mention. And you have to look at

them straight in the eye when you do it. Okay? And then, of course, you do it for them, too. But keep doing that on a pretty regular basis. Like make it a, you know, a fun Friday thing to do or a week's end thing to do with whoever it is that you trust, love, and maybe want to build a closer connection with like something really real and grounding between you two because it is a vulnerable exercise. But nobody really wants to turn an exercise like that down because they get to hear something that somebody else loves about them and they get to also give it back. It's a great complete exercise all around. So, I know it's might be cheesy to ask somebody to

do this, but get over that. Once you get over that fear and do it with them, they're they will probably thank you a million times over. But anyway, having somebody that you know, like, and trust right in front of you, mirroring back, giving you a compliment on top of you being able to proclaim something out loud that you really love and like have gratitude about yourself for. Um, it's really powerful. Also, depending on your relationship with your kiddo, one of your kiddos even, or you could do it as a family exercise, if you're still uh in contact with your kiddo, and you're looking for a conversation starter, you can play this game with them, you know, which would be could turn out magical,

could also turn out a little uncomfortable, but that's okay. You know, it's all about putting yourself out there. You be the one to start. you know, you get something that you love about them or ask them something that they love about themselves and then you reciprocate and then they can turn the tables. You know what I'm saying? So, that's what I have for you guys today. I will talk to you next week. Okay, take care. Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-siz clips and tips, be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram. See you next week.