Let It All Fall Apart

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 61 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road hi guys how are you guys today um I'm recording this like I wasn't even going to record today but I got inspired so I thought I'm just going to sit down and knock this out because I didn't want to let the thoughts go a lot of times what I'll do is I'll pull up my notes app on my phone or on my iPad or I use my voice recorder to like record the thoughts at that moment but sometimes I think it's just better to just sit down and do it and that goes for anything in life sometimes I think I for me anyway I will spend more time in trying to put it

off make taking the notes or doing whatever and then I'll get sidetracked and go to something else so today I was like no I'm just going to sit down and I'm going to record this and I like sitting down and talking with you guys anyway so today we're going to talk about something I was listening to Martha Beck just a little while ago and she reminded me of a concept that I often think about when it comes to our stories my story with alienation and you know my road to Healing so here goes we're going to be talking about letting it all fall apart I'm going to start with the story so about 6 months after moving to this home um my mom came down to visit and she gifted me a specific

kind of Passion vine I don't think she knew that she's got an affinity to Passion Vines but she actually gifted me one back in my early 20s down in Miami when I planted it this time I planted it on a column that is holding up my back porch within 4 months this thing had taken over the whole area one day I went out to lunch with my dad and I came home we went around the back of the house for some reason and I noticed there were all of these wasps swarming around this Passion vine what I didn't know about these plants is that they are the host plant for the G frary or the GOL frit caterpillar and the butterfly looks very similar IL to a monarch butterfly it's

just a smaller version of it about a week or two earlier I had only first notice that there was any caterpillars on the vine they were little ones like itty bitty teeny tiny you almost can't see them like the head of a pin sort of tiny and then I saw some really big fat ones like I'm picturing A Bug's Life and there was that really big fat one anyway couldn't figure that out first and then I realized there was a huge Massacre the Wasps were going after of course all of these big fat caterpillars and they were killing them so I being the pet lover that I am decided that I was going to bring the remaining caterpillars inside and I was going to figure out how to

raise them here so that they could have a chance at life as butterflies and then eventually I that turned into raising monarchs and for about a year and a half I was Raising butterflies so anyway during that time I learned many things about the behaviors of caterpillars of butterflies and the differences between the golf frits the monarchs and like monarch caterpillars will actually eat each other they are cannibalistic if the little ones are placed in with the big ones they'll just eat them if they're in their way they're Savage that's besides the point I had no clue what actually happens goes down in the Chrysalis so if you don't know the caterpillar goes into

their crysalis and these cells called called imaginal cells start to break down and take over the body but the caterpillar it's immune system tries to kill off these imaginal cells and so what happens is the caterpillar's body completely liquefies it turns into soup the only thing left are these imaginal cells and a tiny portion of they're basically like cells from the lungs so that those cells can breathe while it solidifies and reassembles it themselves in order to form the butterfly body and the Butterfly Wings and the legs and all the other things so the caterpillar goes in completely liquefies and then those cells come together form together to create an entirely new structure but

like I said in the beginning the caterpillar resists and the inevitable ends up happening because imaginal cells are too strong too plentiful so it ends up giving in and then that's what happens and then the the digestive enzymes end up eating it and anyway so in order for the caterpillar to turn into the butterfly it must surrender and it must allow itself to completely fall apart it has to be boiled down basically into a liquid to cells and cells alone in order to recreate itself and so we hear it all the time we hear people compare the caterpillar to butterfly process the metamorphosis to their own Transformations I used to think it was kind of cheesy and silly big whoop big

deal so they go into a cocoon and they change themselves they grow some wings and then they're out okay but when I learned what exactly happens inside of their crysalis and how they their bodies have to completely break down in orderers to come out a new it really resonated going through this situation of alienation for me anyway this process of breaking down allowing myself to fall apart from the inside out was so necessary the allowing part last week I was talking with you guys about resisting or allowing um and this fits so perfectly with that theme change occurs when something happens in our lives that makes it impossible for us to stay the same you sitting here listening

to me right now whether you're driving in your car or you've got your earbuds in you are changing as you're listening your mind is changing your nails are growing your hair is growing your skin is regenerating with each breath Breath You Take in you are chemically changing your body change is inevitable aging inevitable which it wasn't but we can never really stay the same ever do you remember like when you were in middle school or High School even for sure where you would sign somebody's yearbook or somebody would sign yours and they would write don't ever change stay the same I just always thought that was funny even back when I was a kid because I'm like what does that even mean like

how can you stay the same also I just heard it the other day somebody on one of the shows that I watched that is like the pop culture equivalent to the news you know that I don't watch the news but one of the guys Al on The Daily blast was giving a compliment to one of the other hosts wives and he was saying your wife is the same no matter where she goes you put her in a room no matter who she's with she's the same person she always has been and she always will be and I love that and he was he said in the past too he's really into like his whole house is like a rap music tribute to all the old school rap but he always talks about how he loves seeing artists

you know rap artists who Remains the Same and have never changed and he likes that because he looks at that as if it's a quality of somebody being genuine authentic and having Integrity right but I actually disagree with him wholeheartedly I think remaining the same staying in the same mindset with the exact same persona for the duration I don't think is how I want to be I want to be constantly improving myself I know that there's different facets to all of us and in if I'm in a room with a specific type of person like if I'm with my mother I am am going to behave and talk differently than I do in a room full of colleagues so I actually disagree with him the constant striving

to be different to be better I don't know it's my goal anyway I'm sure you know that just by listening to this podcast but I think it's in our nature to resist change because change means unpredictability change could be danger it's human nature to want to grab gasp on to what we already have right we know it even if it's not comfortable we know it and it's predictable when we go through something like alienation your child children are most likely the most important thing in your life when your role in their everyday life becomes threatened or is taken away you are bound to go through some change so what I think is interesting about the process of M orphosis is that the caterpillar is

resisting its immune system is trying to attack these cells and it's fighting against a power that is bigger than him or her it is resisting something that is inevitable and what the caterpillar doesn't know is that eventually it's going to turn into this beautiful creature when we're talking about something like alienation the amount of breaking down that one must do that a parent must do in order to move forward is to me massive I think it is inevitable for this experience this ongoing experience to constantly be changing you me personally I prefer to be the one that is doing the change as opposed to the change happening on me just like the caterpillar in its

chrysalis when we're resisting we're fighting a losing battle and now just no when I say this I don't mean to say that alienation is a losing battle I mean this change that is bound to happen within you inside of you and I believe that the change has much to do with our ego so when we are resisting like the caterpillar is in the beginning this looks like um for us it would be placing blame now placing blame is completely different than accepting and assigning responsibility blaming would be they did this now I'm stuck here it keeps you stunted and I see so many people out there myself included who are doing this without even knowing that we're doing this because we believe it's like such a

fact when we are in that place where there's some victimhood left over some of of you and I mean this with love in my heart are completely in a victim mindset where you feel like you'll know if this is you you feel like you can't do a b or c because somebody else did this to you somebody else put you in the spot my parents didn't parent me enough my ex didn't love me enough my kids father or mother alienated me and now my life is ruined and now I can't move forward do you know what I'm saying we've all been there every single last alienated parent if you're still there and you feel like you are stuck because of somebody else or maybe even your own self but if you feel like you have no

moves to make then you are still blaming okay you want to get to a point where instead you can recognize the facts of the situation but those facts aren't holding you back today you still have moves to make that is a a much more empowering place to be and then you are not resisting you are actually allowing and moving forward so it looks like blame it looks like complaining it looks like feeling angry indignant judgmental maybe whining maybe it looks like Defiance resentment resentment and blame sort of live together coexist when we are holding on to Old resentments I have I have a couple of older resentments that I still have not let go of outside of the alienation um and then I have

some within the alienation as well but a person that was a friend of mine that I still find uh resentment come up whenever I see her appear up on my feet and so I know I still need to process through that we all have it this is ego that is keeping you holding you back and so my my objective today is just to raise the discussion with you and my hope is that you will become aware of where it is in your life just like I was mentioning last week with the resisting or allowing are you allowing for this metamorphosis to take place in your life or are you in that resistant stage that the caterpillar is in in the beginning where you're resisting the breakdown of you of your ego when big things like

happen something like alienations it requires you to change to move forward in an entirely different way than you once were of course we're putting the person who's alienating your children from you aside I am addressing you and your response to the alienation I don't want you to think that I am suggesting that the alienating parent or whoever Al or kids from you that they were uh bearers of your change this is is how it was supposed to happen and they're not wrong not saying that at all I hope that's making sense no matter who has instigated the change where in your life are you resisting still where are you wanting to pretend put your head underneath the covers and pretend like

la la la la it's not happening where are you wanting to numb yourself through I don't want to think about this right now right I don't want to deal with this right now when we use a behavior avior no matter what the behavior is in order to tolerate the current state of our lives this is also active resistance from our own metamorphosis so if you want to speed up the process look at the areas that you are blaming that you are complaining judging yourself and others both even when we're talking about the person who's alienating your kid from you the more that you choose to feed that part of your brain that wants to judge them call them names even on the inside and tell yourself or tell others

what a shitty person they are for doing what they've done and ruining your life when you do this you're slowing down your process your metamorphosis I know this very well because I speak from experience so I think my message here today is that we can resist it our whole lives we can not emerged from the the chrysis ever and continueed to live a Life of Agony of unnecessary suffering or we can just allow it to all fall apart trusting knowing reminding ourselves that it will all come back together and form something even better than we had to begin with who I was before is nothing like I am today and I know I am still change is constantly happening with me and I'm allowing it

today well most days let's be real but I want to allow it I've made that that choice and I continue to make that choice to allow myself to fall apart in order to come back together in order to be an entirely different structure emotionally mentally maybe even a little physically right but I think that for me anyway I choose to believe that again alienating parties aside for a second that this happened with me and I had no choice but to continue to be in friction with this change that is trying to occur or I can just allow it I can just allow myself the ego the fear the anger to melt away and I can choose to trust that this process is going to bring me to a

spot that that is better than definitely where I was but even where I am today right and that trusting that um allowing is not only more pleasant much more pleasant but it takes so much less energy and so much less time so much less of a toll on me on my body on my mind on my spirit and so that's what I'm offering for you guys today to just allow it let it all fall apart Within you let go of resistance let go of the judgment on yourself right and on anybody in your life judgment blame resentment complaining these are only things that keep you stuck in your metamorphosis it only keeps you from moving forward okay so just do some check-ins with yourself um especially

over this holiday season but always each time you feel yourself like in a UL Place throughout the day throughout the weeks just ask yourself am I resisting or am I allowing how can I allow if I am in resistance do I need to blame myself right now do I need to blame the other person right now how can I have agency over myself in this situation and feel empowered to move forward how can I tell this story as the Victor instead of the victim right how can I move myself from a place of blame into a place of responsibility taking responsibility for your life now and what you do with yourself moving forward you know I've I've mentioned this before but one of my favorite quotes ever and I always

butcher it but it was Mark Manson about a year ago I saw it on one of his Facebook posts and it said um other people have the power to [ __ ] up your life you are the only one with the power to fix it so it's so true you know you are the only one that can move yourself from this spot yeah maybe that person maybe the alienator did do those things I'm not even doubting that yes the alienator did do those things but they're certainly not going to move you out of where you are today into a better place only you can do that and the longer and the more that you concentrate on what they did to get you here the longer you're going to be sitting in that spot because when you're

concentrating on what they did and how you don't have any moves you will never find moves from that spot from that spot you are actually allowing them the alienating party to have control over you and keep you in that jail cell the only way you can get out of there is when you look for your own steps out and there are I promise you there are those steps to take I promise promise you get get on the phone with me or get on a zoom call with me for a free consult I'm happy to help you find at least three different options to move from where you are into a new spot okay I mean that literally and figuratively so there's always a move to make I do know what it feels like to feel blocked and like

there are no moves to make I I know it well I can remember like it was yesterday there are no moves to make there there's thing I can do I am stuck my kid is gone and I cannot go back in time and put my kid back at my house and do this all over you can't but there are moves to make from here okay so there's a story there's an upgrade on your story as I was suggesting last week There's an upgrade to your story that only you can make only you can decide what that upgrade is going to be okay so get to work if you're ready for your metamorphosis to take place you're ready for the change to begin then start upgrading that story and start allowing the change to happen okay it's

inevitable it's inevitable it's going to happen anyway instead of being at the effect of it you be the cause of it okay all right I'll see you next week thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyond the high road.com see you

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