Renewing Thankfulness: When You Think You Have No More Fu*ks To Give

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 60 stay tun welcome to be on the high

road hello you guys it is Thanksgiving week here in the United States um I'm recording this on Tuesday Thanksgiving is on Thursday this week we are going to be talking about finding gratitude in the moments where you feel like you just can't anybody can find gratitude when things are going great when things are going great the sky is blue the trees are green the birds are tripping you know how it goes but when we're in The Valleys so to speak people like what I was just describing we don't like so much they're annoying right when we're in those valleys experiencing the effects of alienation it can seem entirely unrealistic to think or believe that you will one day be not in the

valley and instead up on the top of the mountain hearing the birds chirp and seeing rainbows and um you know there is such a disconnect between the dark place that you may be in now and being on top of a mountain right or even halfway up the mountain if you maybe feel a little cynical angry maybe a lot cynical and the idea of somebody suggesting to you that you need to be grateful or that there's always something amazing to find and to learn even within the tragedy if that annoys the crap out of you right now I understand I've been there before um for sure there were definite pockets of time throughout my healing journey and before I even began doing the work

on my own myself um where I was just downright [ __ ] pissed and I didn't even it didn't seem possible for me to consider how I could ever find gratitude how I could ever find Joy meaning a way to evolve through this right my daughter was gone from my my home and my life as far as I was concerned and I was in an exceptional amount of resistance with not only the situation of alienation and what was going on with my daughter but I was resisting pretty much everything in my life I feel like I did an episode uh back in episode 20s something um when I was talking about this very thing about just fighting fighting fighting everything in my life that caused me to sort of implode I

cracked under that pressure and caused myself more pressure more displeasure discomfort dis everything right it was an awful place to be but I just want to tell you that you know just to start things off if you're in that place and you are like how could I possibly be grateful for what's going on my kiddo is not in my life anymore I have not spoken to them or seen them um I'm not allowed to speak how however it is for you right now maybe you have supervised visit and they happen to be on Zoom you're maybe wrestling with the fact that last year or the year before whenever it was that they were with you you celebrated Thanksgiving with them and this was not

an issue of course it wasn't these are your kids and it should be that way you should be able to actively parent them and be a part of their lives share memories make memories together and so when it's not that and all of a sudden now you're resorting to a you know 30 minute Zoom call call that they may or may not show up for it's off-putting I get it 100% so please just know that when I'm sharing with you my thoughts my experience the DraStic difference between then when I was there and sometimes still can be if I'm going to be like real there are times when those old thoughts and beliefs or like fragments of them will come up for me as well so I'm you know I get you I feel

you and I would just offer that pardon I'm dog sitting there's like a large dog in the house I would just offer that if that is you today then just take what you like leave the rest sort of thing and just know too that any little bit will help you I think the times when gratitude is the most needed is the time times when we don't want it right when we don't it doesn't come easy that's where the growth happens that's when it matters so if you can find any little ounce of gratitude today this week or whenever you need it I'm telling you this is everything but like grab on and hold on to these little moments these little glimpses of the good stuff okay there was a time when if you were to

walk up to me on the Street or if you would have been the one that was hosting a podcast and you suggested that I find reasons to be grateful about my life about my situation of alienation about my job that I didn't have at the time about anything I would have depending on what it was I might have punched you in the face but probably would have had a few Choice words for you and it probably would have secretly ruined my day right the fact that you even mentioned the word gratitude in my direction so just know that by no means am I implying that that is what you need to do you do what feels good for you I know for me now that resisting gratitude doesn't feel

good so I choose to try to find things to be grateful for even sometimes if it takes more effort than others in especially when it takes more effort because usually what I find I think this is across the board in those times when it seems like life couldn't possibly get any worse these are especially the times that we can find meaning by finding things to be grateful for um I want to almost argue with myself as I'm saying that right because it takes me back to a time when before the alienation ever even began in fact before I even met my daughter's father when something else was going on in my life and that's just going to be way off topic so I won't go there but where um a gratitude list was

offered to me somebody suggested that I do a gratitude list and that things would get better from there and it felt so off-putting and contrived to me doing a gratitude list when I didn't mean it or I didn't want to do it it just seemed to be like going through the motions of finding now mind you I was very young I felt like I was just writing [ __ ] down I'm grateful for having electricity I'm grateful for this ungrateful that I have my health I was very ungrateful at that moment in that period of time but also too it felt so contrived like I was just finding the given that everybody should be grateful for and it didn't feel real to me going through the motions coming

up with some contrived gratitude list I think that caused me to only become more cynical and more ungrateful it felt so disingenuine it didn't work in fact it sort of backfired in my face and so what I'm offering you today I want to be the opposite of that I don't suggest that you just find silver l and then try to sell it to yourself that that's what you're grateful for do you know what I'm saying there is a way to do this and be real with yourself because your brain it's not stupid when you try to sell it some BS like recycled reused generic thing to be grateful for it's going to be on to you it's only just going to create more resistance within yourself basically what I'm

saying your brain will surely know that you're trying to [ __ ] it if you just start writing down what you think you should on some gratitude list it's kind of like giving a you know a card on Valentine's Day when you really don't mean it but you know that you should sort of thing I feel the same thing for Thanksgiving but that's me so if for you if you think writing a list will help you by all means please do that going through alienation and some of the depth that I think we do when we are dealing with a dynamic such as this I think it's empowering and also in a way comforting caretaking for my own self when I really get down to business with what it is that I think that I shouldn't be

grateful for right like I'm thinking back to before I started this work I I lived with a sarcastic nature about me I I can't imagine my resting [ __ ] face it was probably awful but what that was really covering up was this sense of hopelessness and if I were to be coaching my past self like today if I was sitting in front of that version of me I think I would ask me what I think had gone wrong like what am I resisting what are you resisting because when we're have a hard time finding gratitude finding a benefit to the situation it's always because we're in resistance I can't think of a time that it's not until we step off of that resistance train we are going to

continue to have a hard time and it's going to feel very taxing so I would ask myself what I was resisting like for you I'm posing that question to you if you're there and finding it hard to be grateful for anything what are you resisting what is gone wrong what is the story you're telling yourself that is causing you to be in this resistance like what why because I think it's so much more beneficial so much more of a relief to just acknowledge the pink elephant in the room this writing a a gratitude list down without paying attention to the toddler Running With Scissors in your brain is just putting a Band-Aid on something that needs a massive amount of stitches so when we

instead say what's gone wrong honey just asking yourself like what do I think should be happening right now and chances are you know that answer like the back of your hand this shouldn't be happening because blah blah blah last year it was this way and that was better and that's how it should be because I'm a parent and I should be able to parent my child and blah blah blah so acknowledge what the story is you have a story that is causing you to resist your current circumstances just know that I'm not suggesting that you lie down for and succumb to whatever the person who's alienating a child from you whatever their storyline is or whatever they want okay but when it comes to your own inner

peace productivity and mind management staying in resistance to what already is is only going to cause you suffering and your brain to be clouded then you find yourself distracted at work and then not making as much money and it has like this ripple effect in your all the other areas of your life you know what I'm talking about I'm sure right the last thing that I ever wanted to do now I it's not a thought to me but I especially back then was give the person who's alienating my child for me any more power than they already thought that they had today I don't give any power over to him to them but there was a time when he literally ruled my entire life so and I would like you if you're

not there yet here I want you to be so the resistance you have is very important to recognize what do I think needs to be happening right now that isn't happening you want to look at your life as it is yes I understand that I think that things should be different they're different in so and so's life and so and so's life and I'm a good parent and they should be happening in my life and they're not and that makes me mad that makes me sad that makes me whatever whatever whatever okay own that just own it for me my daughter doesn't live with me I don't see her for Thanksgiving I won't see her for probably a few weeks after Thanksgiving I don't I'm not even sure that's not

scheduled yet when I do it will be a 30 minute Zoom call that she may or may not show up to okay I manage my expectations around that because that is where I am now for you you may be going to court soon you may have it's you're going to have a different situation than me but for me I know what to expect coming up and I'm not going to argue with that because I don't there's no reason for it once I identify what I don't have to do this anymore because I've already trained my brain to know what to expect and then I now find the benefits of my life and the things that add to my life on by default but couple few years ago I did not I could not I hadn't trained my

brain and so I had to spell it out for myself okay what are my ex expectations are my expectations realistic and am I expecting someone else is my happiness relying on the actions of somebody else and if that is the case then I find a way to supply that for my own self so that I'm not waiting on somebody else to do the thing so that I can become happy so that is one way to already upgrade your story and take take control of the situation and once you realize where your choices are it's much easier to find where the benefits are in your life where they could be in your life maybe you aren't grateful right now for what currently is but you're grateful for the ability and

the vision to create it in the future to begin creating it today so looking at the possibilities like what is possible for you what could be possible for you you this is always a great place to start if right now you feel like your life is a mess okay well I think that I could probably upgrade this I can upgrade the story in my mind about what currently is but even more so I can create a new future for myself and I don't mean to say create a new future without your kid I just mean to to offer that you can be a parent who's experiencing alienation and I'm going to create a new life for myself while holding space for my child to return when they're ready so yeah you can find gratitude in

your vision for your future whatever that entails I think one of the biggest gratitude Stealers Joy Stealers creativity Stealers is getting caught up and what we think life should be like right when we think that life should have gone that way our child should have been here all along and they should be here today I should be able to spend Thanksgiving with them when we are in that Shoulda Coulda Woulda we shut ourselves down from seeing anything different there is no possibility in life should have been this way there's zero it is a very comfortable space for our brains to be because that means that we can stay inactive I haven't said this in a while but our brain likes to do

three things one seek pleasure two avoid pain and three be efficient that's the motivational Triad two and three are at play here so when you are thinking life should have been this way life should have been that way notice what happens there when you do that it feels kind of good in a backward sort of way because then you don't have to do anything more it's the human brain's way of prot protecting us and then we can kind of back ourselves right into a corner and cozy up covers over our head peeking out with one eye as we've been to watch Netflix for two months until January 1st it's a familiar very unproductive place to be and is the opposite of gratitude

Shoulda Woulda is a dream stealer and so when you notice that you are understandably so fighting with the reality and and wanting to tell yourself how things should be just remind yourself that you you're cutting yourself off this is something that you can control it's an opportunity to step into your power you might not like the next thing I say but that is instead of it should be different find even small ways true things that are true for you that you believe that are not just contrived find ways that it's exactly how it should be today okay find tiny little benefits tiny little reasons why the circumstances today are exactly how they should be now I know I know that

this this is one that it hurts me because I know that it probably hurts you when I suggest that and I suggest that a lot throughout the episodes but I truly don't think that there's a downside to considering how our current circumstances unchangeable they're already here they are exactly how they're supposed to be because the alternative is that you stay in that resistance with what already is and that's just Insanity actually because it's already here people always think that it's a common mistake I used to think this too that by considering how something could be a benefit that we're somehow giving permission to the abuser the person who's alienating your child

from you and that's not it and I know I've said this before but I it is is worth saying a million times over okay is that it's not about giving permission it's not about them it's about you and about finding peace Within You Without an internal environment of Peace Harmony Synergy you're not going to show up and perform at your best so things exactly as they are how are they working for you how could they work for you they may not be working for you right now you may not be able to see that you may be in so much resistance with them that they can't possibly be working for you until you allow them to so you're either in resistance or you're allowing like I was

suggesting earlier so find little ways to like just crack open the doors to allow instead of resist another thing is is that I think what happens when we get so familiar with the people that we do have in our life and the the the blessings whether people or maybe it's a job or maybe it's the the home that you live in truly at one point you were so grateful for these things you felt so lucky that you found them you truly believe that date down today but sometimes now you take it for granted the more familiar something gets the longer that it's been around in your life the more Expendable it seems the more it seems like part of you know your your reality so it doesn't in your mind

you're not thinking this on the Forefront but probably in your subconscious or somewhere it doesn't seem worthy of gratitude of course it's there it's always been there of course it's going to be there right that's just part of my life it's just a fact but it's not the only thing that is forever a part of your life at least while you're here on this Earth is the body that you're in that is it that is all you are guaranteed and not even that so anything extra that is not your physical body it's your thoughts your emotions anything outside of that there's no guarantee that it's to stay in your life forever and I think this right here is enough reminder to us all like that

could go at any time like the things that I've lost in my life um with my daughter I had taken my momhood for granted I was like there's no way in what world would any judge ever take a child away from a loving and present Mom it didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't continue actively moming my kid it didn't I didn't it didn't no it wasn't really even a consideration in my mind I was kicking myself afterwards for years with this for not appreciating the times that I did have with her while I had them like the normal every day moming stuff that sometimes I just like went through the motions in doing washing her hair in the bath or running it back inside to get her book bag when she left

it on the counter right little things that I was like H I have to go in and get that things that are in our lives that we are so grateful for and we love so much when they become part of our every day we do we take them for granted without even realizing so I could bet you I'm having crazy Deja Vu right now you guys but I would bet you there are so many things in your life existing things that you might take for granted that maybe a year ago two years ago 10 years ago whenever they entered into your life you were so grateful for them it might be time for you to renew your gratitude that's an easy win I think look around you the walls around you if you have a home imagine when that home

first came into your life and how excited you were it's a partner think of how uh lucky you felt like you were that they chose you whatever it is whatever you loved see that thing or that person with the eyes that you did when that first came into your life because a lot of times what we end up doing is when they've been in our lives for a a while we end up looking at them not only like they're Expendable but then we'll also sometimes feel overwhelmed by them inconvenienced by them we take them for granted to the point where with my daughter and like the school bag thing that was an inconvenience at the time then months later I would have given anything that would have been my highest

honor to go grab her school bag from inside and drive her 30 minutes away to school would have been amazing I would have given everything I had my house I did give my house but for that just that 30 minute span of time it's amazing what a shift in perspective can do same thing with if I'm talking about the more recent with Nita um I'm sure I complained to you guys months ago oh Nita she was a lot to handle and blah blah blah I bitched she was inconvenient she always needed to be a consideration in in the plans that I made if I had to go out of town all those things it only took her passing away to realize what I had and that I didn't show her as much as I really wanted to show her how much

I appreciated her and so yeah that is a a valuable lesson that I I wished I would have learned before she passed but I think it's an amazing reminder for the for those little fur balls that are in my life today and fact it's caused me to find gratitude in all of my relationships as of recent um I was just talking with my mom about that the other day that you just don't know what you have sometimes until this some crazy reminder either takes it away or sheds it different new light on it okay so there's always something to be grateful for and it it always if you're not starts in your mind with an upgrade in your own story about your situation okay so just know like I said

that I definitely don't want to suggest or offer that you write some contrived list or tell yourself you're grateful for things you aren't I I think it's so so much more beneficial IAL to look into the current story you have like what am I telling myself that's wrong what am I telling myself isn't right or that should could be different than it currently is and then once you have compassion for that story like yourself the situation and you're like honest with yourself about it oh it's because I've been telling myself that life shouldn't be this way that I should have more than I do at this point in my life I'm telling myself that I have nothing to be grateful for because I've created

[ __ ] you know I had somebody tell me that earlier this week that they haven't created anything in their life like they thought they would they thought life was going to be much different at this time point in their life you know 10 years ago life hasn't gone how they planned and let's just be real I don't know anybody anybody that their life panned out anything like they imagined nobody and in fact in fact the people that I know that are the most emotionally intelligent right that have evolved themselves the most um mentally and emotionally spiritually whatever you want to say even professionally all of the things they have gone through the biggest tragedies that's who I want to

model my life after those people the ones who went through it that is something to be grateful for for me in my mind I am in a way and I am I will never say that I'm grateful that my daughter's not in my life like on you know that I'm not actively parenting never I will never ever ever I don't I can't say never but I don't see that happening right now but I will say that I am grateful that I have turned this tragedy into what I have right without this tragedy um and I've said this before to you guys without this specific tragedy nothing else would have spoken to me and caused me to I'm like brings me to tears to think about this but like nothing would have lit a fire under my ass like this

did because this was the one thing in my life that I you know that I love and I care about you know is my daughter sorry but truly you know I have never cried so much well that's not that's a lie but like I I cry so much when I'm talking to you guys it's crazy um but yeah nothing nothing in my life would have caused me to make the changes that I have like the tragedy with my daughter and so for that reason I have my daughter to be grateful for um because I am so much different than who I was you know years ago I mean one thing will always remain is that I loved my daughter and I was present for her I was you know I really loved being with her you know but I'm a different

I'm a much more evolved person than I was back then so anyway I am grateful for that reason and um without that I I don't know where I would be you know so yeah yeah yeah I think that it has worked for me in so many ways do I think that her father and stepmother are absolutely wrong and have been abusive and I won't say all the things that I think because I also don't think it's smart for me to say it to the general public but you know what I'm saying do I disagree with and think things should have been handled entirely different ly and still to this day do I disagree with their practices yes I completely disagree right but I also know that actively resisting for me is not the

answer that doesn't mean like let's say for you you could actually adopt that and still want to go back to core but it doesn't have to be a battle you know I was just talking about this last week with two separate two different clients like you could go um this is awes off topic but I think it's always relevant is that you don't have to frame it that you're fighting for your child you can frame it instead that you're advocating for your child you're advocating for your relationship y'all's relationship you are um showing up in the most loving way for all of the people involved it doesn't have to be a fight it doesn't have to be win lose okay it's about how you frame it in

your mind I think custody battle I dislike the term more and more every day there's a better way to structure that in our brains about what's happening so yeah you can absolutely move away from or allow resistance to fall away be present in the moment and advocate for your child in court at the same time okay so resist the resistance altogether in our mind the energy that that creates is never nearly as productive as the allowing energy and the energy when you're coming from a place of love for all people involved so yeah you can absolutely drop away let resistance drop away from you and still effectively that is key advocate for your child okay and I think that that absolutely is relevant

to what we're talking about and always will be relevant to what we're talking about in any ation that we're having you don't have to put off healing so that you can go to court and prepare to fight prepare for battle it could all be one and it doesn't have to be stress response after stress response in fact I I'm going to argue that it is way more effective to go in when you're coming from a place of love so you can heal yourself and have much more energy to work for your relationship with your child even in Court even on the stamp all right then listen y'all folks in the United States Happy Thanksgiving have a wonderful one even if you are getting a rotisserie chicken

from the grocery store and making your own Thanksgiving I've been there I yeah like four thanksgivings in a row three or four thanksgivings in a row it's just me and I made turkey sandwiches and all so it can be done and it can be done without traveling down the river of misery okay yeah and also remember if you're interested in the holiday support group please don't forget to follow the link that's going to be below in the show notes in order to tell me what day of the week we're getting close now so I need to know sooner than later so I can start it first week of December okay so if you're at all interested please just drop me a line and let me know so I can

plan for how many people I'm I'm going to be supporting we are going to be supporting together but you know what I'm saying scheduling and all the logistics okay and those of you who are not in the states then you just have a good week and I'll see you next week okay all right then thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of

alienation for more information go to beyond the high road.com see you soon CIA