Six harsh truths about parental alienation that host, Shelby Milford, wishes she had confronted earlier in her journey. Shelby shares her own experiences dealing with alienation and the insights she has gained over the years. She emphasizes the importance of redefining problems in ways that can be controlled, understanding that no one is coming to save you, avoiding the pitfalls of seeking external validation, and the importance of not letting alienation define your identity. Shelby also cautions against getting trapped in drama and highlights the necessity of accepting the uncertainty of future reconciliation with alienated children. This episode offers valuable advice for parents to find stability, meaning, and happiness despite the challenges of alienation.

 

 Episode Transcript

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 You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 148. Stay tuned you guys. I just finished, planning out titling, which is not the hardest, but sometimes can be the most frustrating experience, but titling and running them through the headline AI tool thingy.

the next six weeks of podcast episodes, in fact, more longer than that because, um, I'm gonna add in a best of at some point in there since, um, we're coming up on 150. Last time I did that was at episode 100, 101. I usually just week by week, we'll pick a topic depending on what I feel like, I don't know, I kind of switch it up, but, I just got all of it planned out for the next six weeks, eight weeks. So, um, that's exciting for me anyway, ,  and thanks to a couple of you out there who have given me suggestions on episodes, on upcoming episodes, so I'll be working on those too.  And you guys already know that 'cause I've responded to your emails.

Okay, so today we are gonna be talking about  I've got six brutal truths that I wish, wish, wish, wish, wish, wish I would've been brave enough to confront or open to acknowledging, accepting into my life back when the alienation began and took me years to figure out or have the courage to confront and it cost me a lot. 

And so, um, yeah, that's what we're gonna talk about. I don't want you to have to go through, depending on where you are in your journey maybe. So I know some of you that are listening have been going through it even longer than I have been. So in that case, I'm sorry. maybe you figured some of these out, for yourself.

my aim is to help those of you who maybe it's just the beginning for you. And what I mean by that, is like you've just found out that this is what's been going on you feel like you're scrambling trying to, you know, get to court or. , Get eye to eye with your kid maybe you just found out that there's a term for what you've been dealing with and the whole time it's just seemed, maybe it's been years that you just felt like you were living in the Twilight Zone.

You know, that's how I used to describe it. Or like on a lifetime original movie. But then when I found out that there was a term for what I was experiencing and that there was all, this whole so many other alienated parents out there, it was, um, it was a moment, it was surreal, you know? It was like, oh, thank God that it's not just me.

I remember I was in my counselor's office whenever, We really defined it. And she was like, yeah, it's so common that they've actually developed a term for it. And it was, it was a relief. But at the same time, of course, the prognosis didn't seem great.

You know, because in my mind back then, I wanted my kid back home rightly where she belonged, you know? I don't necessarily think that  I'm just gonna be upfront. And that's probably why so many alienated parents go so long without recognizing or coming to terms with these truths. 

But I don't, I don't necessarily think I would've found these truths to be good news or to be magical in any way,  but I do now look back and wish that I would have seen it that way. Because coming to terms with , what I'm getting ready to talk with you about would've saved me.

So, so much suffering and so much, time and effort and money and all the things,  we've talked about probably all of these, but I wanted to get them all together in one little episode so that whoever is looking for it and wanting to know how they can move forward in life, like  these are the secrets. If you can accept these hard truths and start redirecting your path, you'll be fine. You will find happiness and you will be able to create joy in your life and you will not feel so flip flop up, down rollercoaster, like you might be feeling right now in this uncertainty of what's gonna happen next, you know? I think it's an essential episode for the person parent who is really wanting to make a difference in the way that they're seeing our world,  like I said, the truths are not necessarily warm and fuzzy, which is why they're confronting truths, but it is what it is. So I'm gonna go ahead and get started.

  📍 📍 number one is,

that most parents, spend years, like I was just talking about, if not lifetimes focusing on the wrong problem. Something I learned from my mentor years ago is that in order to solve a problem, you must first clearly define it, which was no problem for me back in the day.

I mean, my, mentor now. coach back then. asked me what is the deal? What's the current problem? First time I ever coached with her, and I was so overwhelmed because there were so many problems, like on the forefront of my mind. I didn't even know where to begin, in fact, I remember that the coaching call with her it almost sent me into a tailspin, even trying to articulate it because there were so many incidents that I could bring up for us to visit in that conversation, there was no problem for me to define.

My ex is acting as a barrier in between me and my kiddo, He has stopped at nothing to remove me from her life, you know, jailing me, you know, with false accusations and all the things., But she went on to say, my coach went on to say, and that you must define it the problem   📍 in a way that puts you in control of the situation.

 So my problem couldn't be then my ex is alienating my kid, and it makes sense, because if your ex is alienating your kid from you, nobody knows where to go from there. You can't know where to go from there. That is just a statement and nothing that anybody can really solve. Sure you can try to go to court and spend a lot of money and do all the things, and you can try to write the emails and confront them and try all the strategies that you heard from all the people.

But in the end, it's a problem that you can never really solve. We cannot solve for other people's behavior, their thoughts, their feelings, their childhood, their, how they learned, how to be the way that they are,   To say they're abusing my child, or my child won't speak to me. It's a problem that you'll never solve because one, it's not clearly defined. It's just a statement and two, it's not solvable by you. When we're talking about other people's behavior, other people's dislike of us or their feelings, you know, about us.

There's nothing that we can do about those. But every alienated parent that I know, I, and I mean every alienated parent that I know is either spending or has spent their time engulfed in the problem of alienating parent standing in the way of them and their kid.

Every alienated parent I know has at some point spent their time thinking about how their children aren't speaking to them or they're not their children anymore. They're not, they don't behave like the loving child the alienated parents raised. Which. Spending energy on fighting the other parent's actions or waiting for others like your ex, courts, even your children to change.

Keeps the alienated parent. You locked in a cycle of victimhood.

Many of us think, if only the other parent would stop, everything would get better. If only my kid would talk to me, I would be fine. I was happy before, but now I'm not because my kid won't talk to me and they don't approve of me. And so

until they do, until things start to get better. My life is in a holding pattern or it's miserable, or I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself This perspective. which is a hundred percent understandable. I was so hyper-focused on all the ways that they would try to cut me off  I would sign up to chaperone,

a field trip for school to the zoo or to wherever I would sign up to be the one of the moms that's there chaperoning the kids. And inevitably they would pull , my daughter outta school so that she would miss the field trip and I would be the chaperone that didn't have a kid there at school and

Put me in that position of Having to try to explain where my daughter was, even though I was here chaperoning. And at the same time, not knowing where my daughter was. So it was just a miserable existence. So I felt like there was no way out of constantly focusing on the actions of the alienated parent, right?

It felt like I was trapped there, I was still asking myself and focusing on the wrong, , I was focusing on the wrong questions and on the wrong kind of target, I guess,  which. Produced nothing for me. It just kept me in this constant resentment cycle. Like, here we go again. Here's another email from them. Here we go again. It's just gonna be beratement. Right? And even though back in those days, I would do my darnedest to not let it get to me, of course it always did because I was always focused on their tone and their insults to me and how this was probably ruining my daughter and all the things which I know each and every one of you can relate to, you know?

But.

The perspective as a whole although understandable is also super damaging  because it places the source of pain and possibly, uh, the source of healing all hope, quote unquote hope of healing outside of your control.  Because in order for things, and I know you guys have heard me talk about this, we cannot control their actions. But when we're in it, it's a whole nother thing. In the back of our mind somewhere in our subconscious, we think that when they stop doing it or when they turn 18, or when they get out from under their roof, right?

Then they'll have less, , pull and that will be the answer. But there's always a holding out for when somebody else behaves differently than what they are right now. Right? Which again, just takes your, the possibility of your healing out of your control. So instead, the problem needs to be defined as you need to define the problem as I being, if you want to find answers that are.

, Acceptable to you that feel better and, , put you in a place of control, , of empowerment, defining it as   📍 📍 how can I build stability? How can I build meaning, emotional wellbeing in my life?

Regardless of the other parent's behavior or courtroom outcomes or your, kiddo's behavior whoever, How can I build stability? How can I create meaning? How can I create purpose, cultivate all of the goodness.

Based on what I know, that I have control of what I know that I can solve for.  Right. Because if your problem is always in the blame, you know, there was this kind of related to this, I just read a Reddit post this morning that was talking about do adult children ever take the blame? Do they ever finally own their wrongs?

Basically? I'm, of course,, I'm, paraphrasing I think that focusing on that, the same as what I'm talking about here,  is going to produce a result that you don't want.   my mom does this all the time with my daughter, right?

She's like, well, she needs to take accountability at some point. She's now an adult. Like the day that she turned 18, for real, she was like, well, you know, now she's 18. She needs to start taking accountability. This is now a her thing, and she needs to switch over and start behaving in a kind way and being respectful.

And if I send a gift, then she should write me back and say, thank you, and yada, , yada. Every time on the inside, I wanna explain it to her again. But I know that, my mom has long running belief and it, it's not gonna change her.

But for y'all,  focusing on who's blame. It's going to create more distance between y'all it's an attitude of righteousness,  which is actually one of the upcoming episodes that I have. So I'm not gonna get too far into this, but  if we're focusing on policing the universe, then there's always gonna be somebody that's right, and there's gonna be somebody that's wrong.

And most of the time, because we're human beings, the person that's right is going to be you or I or whoever, right? But that sets you voluntarily are setting yourself apart from whoever else that you're comparing yourself to, whoever's wrong in your eyes. So it's going to cause you to feel more , alienated and more alone.

And also, you're focusing on the problem that you cannot control because nobody ever is gonna, most of the time,  just expect them to not take ownership or the blame, quote, unquote, blame.   📍 📍 I think blame is just an, focusing on who's to blame. It's not a , useful task for you, you know, in the long run because it, it, it aims to separate just by nature of, of the question or the, the focus anyway.

Right? Who's to blame? Who's, who can we set out here? Right? not coming from love.  Instead, it's coming from this desire to find closure, which by the way, does not exist. At the end of that, like, the conclusion to who's to blame, like let's say your kiddo took ownership they were like, yes, it was me.

I do take part ownership and I'm, I definitely am to blame for this. Maybe it'll give you instant gratification, sort of ha good, thank God. At least I know that. They know, you know,  but then what? It doesn't actually reunite you guys, or reconnect, get you guys closer  instead, if that's what you're looking for, if you're just looking for them to admit that they were wrong,

It just puts you on a level of feeling more secure in your status and your, uh, performance, I guess, as a parent, right? And then puts them somewhere either below or evens them out. I don't know. It's just, it, it, aims to separate, you know? And so instead of focusing on who's to blame or who's the problem or what the problem, you know, like the other people that are creating the problem, instead, you always want to define the problem as always.

Even if the problem is they're alienating my child. For me, you want to now. Fine tune that problem and say why it's a problem for you. Right? I know you guys have heard me talk about this before and work on that part, if you come, I'm being vague right now because it's difficult to, I would have to put out, throw out a bunch of examples and I wanna get through all of these today so you can always set an appointment with me and if you're stumped on this and you can't really see the forest for the trees and every time you come up with the problem that's really irking you, it always seems to have to do with them,   📍 📍 Come schedule a consult with me and I can help you clearly define your problems so that you are in control of the outcome. 

Alright, so that's hard. Truth number one, you're focusing in the wrong place. , People will grow old and resentful and callous and angry and bitter and, sort of conspiracy theory, like vigilante, by focusing only on the problem outside of them.

This is why you see people that are like, um, hypervigilant, right? They're a bit paranoid and angry at the world and they think that lots of people are out to get them. If you've ever gotten a conversation with somebody that's wants to Police, you know, like the Karens online that always wanna a sign blame to somebody outside of them because then they can get on our high horse that is a really unfulfilling purpose and if that becomes a way of life for them,

it becomes increasingly harder for them to get out of that. And then they will always be searching for something outside of them to create the piece that they're really creating inside. And the sense of self-worth and identity that they're really creating on the inside. . Um, I've been thinking about this, that last part a lot lately.

'cause I. Think many of us, I know that I was brought up to, to assign blame and to focus on how they are wrong, whoever. Right. Even in grade school and high school, that was really the way that I was taught, at least in my community and my family and whatever, to sort of see people like even down to like, um, really shallow like, um, appearances with people.

Like, I think it was like a culture for us to all be like, I was thinking about this getting dressed the other day, you know, if somebody had, um, a wig on or like a hair extensions or, I don't know, this is a girly thing, so just for a second, dad's just humor me or they've gotten some, plastic surgery done right.

Boobs, the consensus or the way that we would. Approach that back in the day, I don't know, 15 years ago or so, was like, oh, that's not her hair. Those aren't her lashes, those aren't her boobs. we are very quick to jump on that and,

sort of, , minimize or marginalize. Especially if somebody was jealous or what have you, you know what I'm saying? So I think it's just, it's been a culture for a long time that some people, though it's changed, I think it's changing. Um, I think many people still get stuck in that, especially when they're hiding behind the computer screen, you know, via emails from your ex or from the stepparent, in Facebook groups and stuff like that.

So there's that  📍 📍 📍 truth number two is nobody is coming to save you. Not from your pain, not from the predicament that you're in. The courts aren't gonna protect you or save you.

The therapists aren't, not even your children are the guardian ad litems. Nobody is coming to save you. Even your attorneys, and I mean this when I say this with so much love in my heart because I want to teach you, if you haven't already learned this on your own, to provide for yourself no matter what. And if anything extra comes and extra help, arrives, then that's a bonus. You know, that way you're not spending your time spinning your wheels or sitting in a a halt cycle. Waiting for other people to come and do something that you are probably not even probably, are certainly able to do for yourself.

 

Being dependent on something external it will always act as a barrier to your healing, and it only adds to your feelings of powerlessness and aloneness, like it's you against the world. You know, any dependence whatsoever, even if you think, especially if you think that you need it.

And I mean that monetary, I mean that manpower, I mean, all of it. If this is the challenge that you are faced with, I'm not saying that you don't need help, we all do need help, but please do not grow reliant on that help as your source for all the things. It becomes, turns into learned helplessness.

 The shift instead is healing happens from the inside out by developing the tools for emotional regulation, resilience and personal meaning. Okay? So you always, once you've defined your problem in a way that it is solvable by you, then you be the one to follow it up,

you be the one to actually solve it. And yes, you may recruit other people like lawyers and what have you,  just know in the end that it's you. 

Hard. Truth number two is that no one, no one is coming to save you. Not from your pain, not from the predicament that you're in, not from the abuse. Nobody is coming to save you. Not the courts, not the therapists, not even your children, not the guardian ad litems. It's you. If you are faced with this, which clearly you're listening to this, this podcast, then it is up to you.

They did all the awful acts and are continuing to do all the awful acts to alienate us, you from your children. And it sucks because they have effectively been able to quote unquote, ruin part of our life. If you asked me back in the day, I would've said my entire life. Yes. But it is up to you to fix it unfortunately.

If you're thinking about how nobody's coming to save you, I thought that the judge would see, ?

That was a big obsession of mine. I can't believe that this judge couldn't see through all of these lies. Another judge Judge Arthur, I will never forget him. He called it out and saw what they were doing, reprimanded them in court, but then turned around and had a vendetta against me and the second hearing, switched his ruling entirely because I pissed him off.

My, one of my choices pissed him off. So he fully. Went back on his word and what he was seeing. And that made me so mad because I needed him to save me. I needed him to see, that's when I hit my depression is because I was really dependent on this guy to change the trajectory of the situation of alienation in my life.

And he didn't. I mean, it's a 50 50 chance and it really, depending on what we're talking about, sometimes the odds are way less in your favor it's like playing roulette. 'cause you're constantly looking for somebody else to show up and do their job or, advocate for you in the right way, or say the right thing just like I was talking about in hard truth number one, it's just gonna perpetuate your feelings of helplessness and aloneness and. Because, and also too, like if you're focused on how they're supposed to help you, then you can never really come up with your own ideas of how you can help yourself, how you can save yourself, which is always going to be the lesson folks, always.

If you are in this situation of alienation, then I promise you, again, not saying that help is not needed for all of us. We all need a helping hand and support and what have you. That's what we're made for, right? But in the end, you have to be the one that helps and saves yourself. And I know that you guys know that you have to be, or else you haven't learned whatever lesson that you might need to grow through in order to get to the other side, and it'll be a recurring theme for you.  📍 📍 📍

Okay? Hard truth number three, relentless efforts on seeking Justice through the legal system or the social systems will.

Allow or prioritize anger, resentment, and grief to dominate your life. So the pursuit of validation from other people socially, or winning in court, causing you to feel validated as well, can consume years, decades, and hundreds of thousands of dollars. I know I speak from experience, right? With very little payoff or no payoff or maybe even negative payoff, right?

In terms of connection or wellbeing. And I tell you what,

 I was on a constant, consistent, I guess, quest to finally feel validated from the courts for them to be reprimanded by the judge and actually have like punished to the point where their efforts quit. Right? Because at some point, once the alienating parent, I believe, I think, I still believe, but I definitely believed back then that the only way that they would stop because my ex was above the law, that the only way that they would stop is for them to be reprimanded to the point where it hurt for them and then things would cool off.

And actually that did happen the first ever court hearing that we had, when I was ordered, primary, you know, the right to, determine domicile and all the things, um, he stopped. In fact, he shied away from any sort of confrontation for a while there.

And then when he found his in, because I've made some mistakes, that's when it all started ramping up again. But my belief that I took with me is that I need the courts. I need a judge to teach him a lesson, obviously can't be coming from me. And so it was in this constant pursuit of getting a judge to see so that his wrist hands would be slapped so hard that this would all quit.

But like I said, it's a game of roulette. And it often doesn't, cause you to feel at peace or, it doesn't give you the validation that you desire anyway. You'll notice that it's like never enough,  also socially, like with approval, I see many people doing this with their kids, needing their, or desperately wanting, craving approval from their, children,

But it will never,

ever,

ever be enough because even the approval isn't coming in the right way or often enough.

Like you might get approval one second, and I see this happen. I can't tell you how often, in fact it's going on with one of my,

uh,

clients right now

where

their kids will respond to a text or they'll give them a hug or say that they love them

and then

it's fine and it feels great in the moment.

But then as soon as you get that and that high is sort of worn off, then you're looking for the next time that they give you approval and then it's the next time and the next time. It's constantly looking outside of yourself for something that really you need to be producing on the inside of yourself.

So once you approve of you, once you can validate you, then the other stuff is sort of like icing on the cake. Sure, it feels good. Everybody loves to have approval, right? Because it goes back to our primal need to be included, right? To be in the tribe, to be valued and seen and felt like, that you're contributing to your community and all the things,

but that stuff is extra.

And it's actually  when somebody approves of you,

your kids, your spouse, your ex, whoever out your boss, people out in society, your parents, your mom, you know, when somebody's approving of you,

it's never actually really about you, ever.

It's not your approval. It's their approval of you. So it's in their possession,

right?

It's because of their thoughts, their feelings. The story that they have going on in their head, it's their approval of you.  Does that make sense? I know I keep saying it over and over, but so often we think if I have their approval, then I will feel better.

I'll feel at peace, and I can go and concentrate on other things, right? Or if I have their approval, I can feel better about who I am and yada, yada, yada. We never really say it out like that, but that's the idea. Right? But once you have their approval, like I said, you're gonna be looking for the next time because it's never gonna feel like enough.

It's always, you're like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, I just need more and more and more. It's like feeding a

a beast, and their approval of you is fleeting. It's fleeting.

You don't know when they're gonna approve and when they're not gonna approve,

especially if they're moody or alienated or what have you, right?

Their approval is about their thinking and the place they're in, emotionally, mentally, maybe even physically. Right. So you never really will know if it's authentic, genuine for them, because you're not in their brain. The wind could change and that approval could go right with it, , just depending on, what's going on for them.   📍 📍 So

redirecting your energy to what you can actually influence your mindset, your habits, you self-care. That's what creates a sustainable path for you to recovery and to,

stepping off. That rollercoaster of ups and downs based on something external, right, which is freaking horrible existence.  It's super dramatic, which I'm actually gonna get to that point in just a second.   📍 📍 📍 Hard truth number four is that when a parent's sense of self, when your sense of self becomes wrapped up in being the alienated parent, then your suffering will prolong. when your identity, and you may not know or like I, you may not identify that this is what your perceived identity is based in.

Hopefully. I know this sounds redundant and wordy, but you get what I'm saying, but.

Take a look at it. Right? Take a look at if you are wrapping your identity up and being the alienated parent or being the victim, even again, nobody ever really wants to, admit that to themselves. And of course not to the world that I have a victim mentality or that I'm identifying as a victim, right?

Nobody wants to admit that or, uh, face that, right. But if you are willing to face it, then you are that much closer to overcoming it. Okay? So it is parental alien, this whole situation that all of us are going through for however long you have. It's tragic. It's a tragic experience, but it's not, doesn't need to be your identity, nor does it need to be a life sentence.

Okay? It doesn't need to define your life moving forward. I don't, that would be. A miserable existence and exactly why so many of us describe their existence as being like in a personal, hell, me, at the bottom of a pit with no exit doors. The bottom of a, well, people said, you know, with no light, no stairs, no rocks to help them climb out, you know? 

The way that you change that is to stop identifying yourself as an alienated parent. Like using that as the excuse to why you can't do certain things, right? Go hang out with friends or meet new friends or, Maybe it's why you won't go out on dates or why you keep to yourself at work or how, high you place your goals. , Like the sites that you set for yourself. Sometimes because we're seeing ourselves as a victim and that alienation has held us back in all these other areas, then we can also use it to limit what our.

Potential is right. Like it ever since alienation happened, it changed everything. And now I can't like, because a lot of times financially, it'll start with whenever you guys got divorced, you're told, I have many clients that have gone through this. Right? Not to make so much money now that you guys are separated 'cause the divorce isn't final, so that the X doesn't come and take whatever money that you are making, right?

So you start setting your sites low and sitting on idle financially, and you don't go for the job offers or you don't set the big goals for yourself because you're thinking that you need to blend in and not make any, um, showy moves or, create something big for you.

because of alienation, right? Because they'll take it. I'm not saying that that's not the case, but there's always a way to do. To abide by whatever your attorney is , suggesting for you, and also still not let it rule your life so that you have a plan to get out of financial debt or do whatever.

Don't let alienation be the thing that's holding you back. Do not. And if it's for a period of time, then you, well just get with me because there's a, there's a way for you to plan this so that you're not, um, marginalizing your own self for the rest of your life. You get, we get into this mindset of not trying hard because we were told to do that back when we were in the middle of separation, right?

Don't make any crazy purchases. Don't change your income so that things stay secure and safe for you, right? But that can turn into a whole personality thing, and you don't even realize it's there.   📍 📍 So don't let alienation be your excuse. To hold you back from creating a beautiful life for yourself, because that really, again, is just, perpetuating that hell that you might feel like you're in. 

Because of course, if alienation or being the alienated parent is, the reason why you can't do all the things,

you will always feel like your ex has, a magic wand you will always feel like the marionette, and your ex is. Controlling you, so your identity is multifaceted. Always remember restoring your purpose many purposes. And self-worth means reconnecting with your passions, with your talents and other meaningful rules outside of your parental relationship, outside of the way that you've identified yourself.

Up until now, and I know that you guys have probably heard me say this, just what I think is that so many of us, like we go through life before alienation happens. And in my opinion, I think that, , alienation happens because   most of us didn't nurture or develop our identities, at all. For the most part. I'm not saying everybody, but when we became a parent, mom or dad, that's what defined us and gave us that sense of worth, right?

We like lived for our kids. Like even if you had your job and whatever else, being a parent is really what gave you that meaning and purpose in life of like most parents, right? But because maybe of our kid life, childhood, we may not feel like we've produced anything really of worth when maybe you have, right?

But you're not giving yourself enough credit and because of that alienation ensues. 'cause they're gonna go after the one thing that they know defines you, And then once that's taken away, then you have nothing because you have not nurtured any other, talents or interests that you maybe have that are buried. 

You know what I'm saying?   📍 📍 So now it's time. , If you're not seeing your kids at all or even as often right now, is your time to pour into you even while still, of course, , maintaining your efforts to connect with them.  Still use this time. I think of it like, you know how when COVID happened, I really wanted to use that time.

I was like, this is the perfect time because everybody's at a standstill. I don't know. It made sense to me that now I could, I had so much extra time to pour into me and that's really when so much the bulk of my healing began to, like, I began to see the rewards from all the efforts that I was, putting out was over the whole year and a half COVID situation.

You know? But it's the same thing now with you. If you just recently have less time with your kid. Turn all of that There's a reason why you have that time.  Use it to create something beautiful for you instead of seeking outside of you for approval, for validation, for all the things you know.

So, right now is it is a time that you can be reinventing yourself and cultivating, a sense of identity. A, a, more rich, deeper multifaceted sense of identity. Start producing value,  Even if that's volunteering for right now.

Doing something, providing value to others so that you can build back up your, sense of self worth.

  📍 📍 📍 Hard truth number five. Entertaining drama is a trap. Any of the drama, I don't care what kind of drama it is, it's a trap and it's a time suck.  Thinking about how evil and calculated they are, how sick and twisted they are, will only keep you sucked into the vortex of negativity.

That's the only notes I wrote for . hard truth number five you embellishing on or not even embellishing and leaning into how terrible and awful and calculated and mean and twisted and sick and demented they are, is only going to cause you to feel those emotions, feeling demented, sick, twisted.

It brings you, bring your own self down with the experience that maybe they created, started, also two. I wanna say that like when you and I did an episode on this a while ago, when others wanna commiserate with you and then you join in on that about your experience, like they wanna say to you, oh, I'm so sorry.

They're just such terrible assholes. I can't believe they would do this to you and do this to your kids. This is just awful one, they're just doing that to try to get close and contribute to your cause in a caring way. But they don't realize that by commiserating with you, that's, it's in the world, like commiserate, they're actually creating more negativity,

, it's not their fault they think they're doing well most of the time anyway. But it, it doesn't help. But when you go in on it too, then it's only gonna send you down into a spiral and probably end up causing you to start beating yourself up, you know, and go into a shame cycle.

So. Don't get sucked into the drama even when somebody else is wanting you to, you know, also drama about like, we wanna, um, entertain like when they do the emails and whatever and we wanna go on social media and read it out or talk about it, they're so this, they're so that, 'cause we're looking for, for external validation from others about the situation so that we can get social proof that the email that you're reading out loud is, cruel, unkind or whatever.

We wanna hear that from others. So we like, it's, it's a adrenaline rush or like a, dopamine hit, once we get that validation from everybody else, then we could be like, yeah, see, I knew I was right. They're assholes, but. See, give it a minute and see what you're left with. After that, then you just, again, you will constantly be looking outward to try to get somebody else to agree with you so that you feel better again, and then you have to do it.

Keep doing it over and over and over. It's a never ending cycle, hamster wheel, you know? Entertain the drama is always, all, always a time suck. Even like gossip, maybe , it's away from alienation you getting in on or getting sucked into , meaningless, talk about other people, other things that are happening in the world.

Politics, when we have to look at the other side, demonize one side or the other, and think about how pernicious and terrible and bad and unscrupulous and all the things that the other side is, you're, again, you're creating separation between you and the world. And so there is actually, I mean, I know that there's a really strong force behind an energy that comes with groups of people that form for the sole purpose to be against another group of people.

There's a great deal of momentum and comradery that happens as a result of that. The dynamic is actually fascinating to me negativity in numbers becomes like a downhill rolling snowball, you know? It never ends up well, and the people that are now formed together may actually form some real true like deep bonds together in the hating on the other people.

But you still have you. The whole purpose of that is you against them. So once that fizzles out, then where do you guys go? Because that's what's really fueling your fire. And you can look at this too, like if you have gotten together with, um, like a significant other who, and I, I've, I'm distracting myself right now 'cause I can think of this on the other side too, like how it's happening with me, with my ex and his, the stepmom, you know?

Um, but if you were to get together with somebody who either has beef because they've had a past or a childhood even, where some form of alienation or ousting has happened, they may already had a vendetta, informed it with you. But then when y'all are just getting together to, or a sister or brother you might do this with too, getting together to commiserate and talk negatively about.

Your ex, whoever, notice how you feel on the inside. It's really icky. It doesn't, it may, it may feel rewarding instantly, you know, for a few moments but in the end, there's an emptiness, a very dark emptiness. And so then you'll find that you're constantly having to, to re-up your supply, really your energy supply by getting together and talking negatively Again, it's addictive.

It's a, it's a reward based mentality, right? But the reward it's not not lasting, so that's hard. Truth number five, drama is never your friend gossip being against something. Never your friend, ever. I can't think of a time. It's ever going to be fruitful or fulfilling for you. 

📍 📍 📍 Okay. Lastly, hard truth number six. This hurts my heart to even say this, but it's true. There is no guarantee for any of our future reconciliation or restored relationship contact. Okay. And hoping for it. I kind of touched on this last week, but just hoping for that as a condition for your own happiness, postpones your healing and your ability to find and feel joy indefinitely. 

Do I need to repeat that? Maybe I need to repeat that. There's no guarantee for future reconciliation. Or any sort of restored contact or connection between you and your kid. Right. Hoping for it as a condition for your happiness will postpone your happiness, your ability to create happiness.

Okay? Accepting this, what I wrote down here is accepting this harsh reality is not, not the same thing is giving up. Actually, instead, it's necessary for you to accept this recognize this in order for you to move forward authentically with a productive focus. So along the same lines as hard truth number four, you creating a life that's fulfilling for you and rich, feels rich for you, regardless of eventual outcomes and the hopeful whatever, whatever.

Is imperative in order for you to set yourself free from the jail that you may be feeling like you're living in. Okay? So I know that these truths are not like, like I said in the beginning, they're not lovely ones, but it would really, really help you, , behoove you to, if you need to listen to this again and notice where any of these might be true for you.

I'm not saying this to point fingers or anything. I really am saying this coming from so much love because the quicker that you are able to see truth in your thinking right now, like in what I've said here and in, and relate it to your thinking and the way that you're seeing your world, the sooner that you will be able to move through all of this,

 You know, I used to always shy away from speaking about, assigning blame like I was talking about earlier. Especially when it came to my situation of alienation, I wanted to defend myself because it's just kind of the nature of the dynamic, right? We're being accused of doing stuff, and so we of course enter into.

Survival mode. Right. And feel the need to defend ourselves and know that's not what I was doing. I feel misunderstood or not, , heard or, cut out from even being able to explain yourself, right? But one of the most powerful lessons that I've learned is finding truth.

In whatever anybody says about you, to you, right about your character or whatever, finding some even a sliver of truth to what they're saying. Can help diffuse the situation. Not that we're worried about how they're gonna respond, but can diffuse the situation for you and put your defenses down so that you can move on.

And it actually, most of the time, by you accepting whatever somebody else is saying, like, oh yeah, there's probably truth to that. It so often it dumbfounds the other person, and I'm not saying that you always need to, um. Right now I'm talking about in the context of staying open to any of these

six items that might be true for you, you know? But I mean, as a rule, I always, no matter if somebody says something to me, oh, you're acting defensive today, or you're being a bitch, even, I find it so much more empowering and, um, uplifting. Like I feel like I upgrade the whole situation by looking to find and leaning into any truth to me being a bitch, you know?

Like, yeah, I can be a bitch sometimes. Oh, you're so nice. Yeah. I am so nice. You are, Irrational. I can find some truth into that too I do this too, like when it comes to me judging other people, which we're human, we're all gonna do it right?

But seeing how, like if I'm judging somebody for being whatever, you know, uh, bitchy, then I like to also, after I finish judging them. Because I don't wanna, stifle myself. I allow myself on the inside to judge and I, sometimes I write it down, but then after I'm done judging the person for not behaving the way I want, or whatever it is, I then put that on for myself.

Like, they're being, unfair, I try to find the ways that I am being unfair. Or that I have been unfair in the past, right? And so, um, that's kind of what I'm offering here for you throughout all of these truths, like instead of defending yourself, if you can lean into it and find even slivers of truth, you.

Step out of a place of resistance and into flow, into openness, , a place of understanding compassion and Growth. Really the opportunity for growth. Anytime you're resisting, you shut the opportunity for growth down. But the second that you lean into the possibility of something being true for you, even something that feels offensive.

Now, I'm not saying take something on that's not yours, you know? But if you can lean into the ways that maybe in a parallel universe that you are, whatever somebody is saying, or you have been. Then it, it does, it takes the air out of the whole situation and you can move on because we've all been bad and good, right?

If we wanna label it bad and good, you know, dark and light, all of us have that in us. And the sooner we are to recognize that and own it, the sooner we are to move through whatever lesson we're in and to the other side. I know that you guys know that, but I just wanted to say that as a reminder, especially talking about.

These kind of painful truths. These are not warm, fuzzy, yummy truths, you know? Um, but if they're there and you're not recognizing them, how I did it for so long, and how many alienated parents that I see that have carried with them the resistance to these truths,

it just makes your life so much more difficult, you know, and I really don't want that for you. I want you to find, , create a sense, cultivate a sense of peace and safety and continuity and,

certainty. Life today and moving forward. And the way that you can do it is by owning whatever parts of these truths that maybe you've been resisting for thus far, you know? So anyway, that's all I have for you. I hope you guys have a lovely, lovely week, and I'll see you next week. Okay? Ciao.

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00:00 Introduction and Episode Planning

01:10 Six Brutal Truths About Parental Alienation

04:31 Most Alienated Parents Are Stuck on the Wrong Problem

15:14 Nobody is Coming to Save You

19:29 Relentless Efforts on Seeking Justice

32:10 Drama is a Trap

38:02 No Guarantee for Future Reconciliation

40:44 Embracing Painful Truths for Growth45:13 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

 

#parentalalienation #podcastforalienatedparents #parentalalienationrecovery