19.Anger/Negativity as Your Default Setting & Who Holds Your Power
As an alienated parent, you’ve been thru HELL. When we experience repeated & ongoing abuse, our lower brain adopts the message that the world is a scary & bad place. But, the lower brain doesn’t understand that, by doing this, it’s only perpetuating your suffering. How to recognize when negativity is your unconscious undertone, and how to teach your mind to default to a more helpful way of thinking.
Transcript below. Pardon any grammatical errors. My priority was to make the content accessible to all as soon as possible. I will get around to editing and making it pretty!
Well, hello everybody. It is officially a week into the new coaching program, into the Healing and Reinvention program for Beyond the High Road and it is. Super exciting. Like we have gotten our first call underway. And I find I got the community rolled out. We've got a nice group. So also the community is nice and cozy, which is great for.
The ladies that are currently in this month coaching program.
I think what I'm getting ready to do is add. An additional community on for you guys for, anybody that's just listening and just wants to have
You know, an extension of this podcast and maybe more fellowship with other alienated parents aside from Facebook or Reddit or wherever you get that. Okay. So this one will be , same, same, but different, just the difference. And I think the added benefit with this one is that we are all wanting to heal.
And so the language and the. Atmosphere, if you will, we'll support that, , a growth mindset. So I'm excited about that I probably will get that rolled out for March is what I'm thinking. So that will be free for everybody. And Yeah. That's what I have about that. So what I have for you guys today. Is I've had a few requests for how to deal with anger. And rage, right. And. But, but, and as I say I think, before I address the rage and the anger and the like episodes of anger, I think it would be first best to address Eby overall, underlying tone. That you carry. And that you operate. At or with on the wreck, right? .
Here's what I mean about that. When our default mood or tendency is that of.
Of anger. And of injustice. And of negativity. Then we're more apt to react in anger. And also it just doesn't feel good. I know, because I speak from experience and I do think that many of us. At some point or other in our lives. Have had that overall underlying tone of anger. Negativity. When we are victimized. In one way or another. And especially if it is. In a repeated fashion. This happens. Often, right. It's very easy to go to that place. Because these negative things are happening and it changes your view on the world the first time.
And the second time and the third time, and it's very easy from that point. To see everything in that way, right. To have a, a skewed sort of like jaded view of the world from then on out. And so I know for me. That when I was able to. Notice my own. Underlying tone. Of negative of feeling victimized and being a victim. When I was able to recognize that. My.
Tendency to quickly anger. My tendency because I really, I was. I was definitely described as hotheaded. . It was fiery. Those were 100%. Descriptors that people not just one person, not just like a angry ex-boyfriend or something. Many people. Knew me as being fiery, right. Firecracker and not just in the.
You know, explosive, fun way. Right? The nice people when they were nicely describing it would call me passionate. You know, but really what it was is I was very quick to anger. . And I was sassy about it and sarcastic, and the way that I did it may have seemed funny to some, but really it was rooted in a lot of anger.
And I know. Because, after working with many of you or many alienated parents on the whole and people who have been through other kinds of abuse, I know that you might be doing the same. You might be having the same thing. Go on with you. I also know. That you might. Not even know that it's happening with you.
Because first off, nobody wants to think about, or refer to themselves as having a negative attitude. Right. We want to be like, but it's them.
The reason I'm this way is because of that. Right. That is. So. You know, it's because I'm angry because they are acting blah-blah-blah. Because there are angry, I'm angry because they're angry. They did bad things. And now I'm mad so I, 100% get it, but I know how awful it feels, you know? So.
And I don't want you to feel awful. So yeah. I'm hoping that this helps you a little bit. So first off, let's talk about. How you would know that you might have an underlying tone of like negative or angry. Underneath. Okay. So the first way, is that you, Get angry when other people are angry, like you get pissed.
When you see somebody else. Pissed. Like when you See somebody throw a fit. I don't know why this is coming to mind right now. This is so long ago.
, I was just trying to think of like a fit of anger on TV. And so the first thing that came to my mind was like, do you remember John McEnroe? I'm probably dating myself right now. But John McEnroe was, if you don't know, he was a tennis player. What he was known for aside from being a great tennis player,
Is throwing adult fits on the tennis court. He would just freaking fly off the handle. And sometimes it was funny, but other times he would be like, you know, yelling at the RAF. And or is that what they're called? They're the refs. I'm trying to think of tennis. I used to play tennis anyway, that he was just be yelling at the.
You know, the official that was calling. The shots, right? He would get like really angry. And when I would see somebody get that angry, look on their face. I got angry. You know, I would get like that feeling in my stomach, like, Ooh. And so I was getting angry at him for getting angry, which is ridiculous. Right. But this is what we do.
So if you do that, right, and by the way, this is including, but not limited to I'm sure there's other examples, but these are just a few that might help you to realize if this is going on for you. And the reason, let me just back up a little bit, the reason why I And offering these to you is because .
I don't want you to, like I was saying, I don't want you to feel miserable. And if you are having a tough time, if you're having trouble feeling. Like just crappy all the time. I want to help you with that. Right. So it's not too you know, it's not to point fingers or it's not to anything. It's just more because I want you to not struggle. Right. To not suffer any more than you have to. Okay. And I've said, so. So, yeah. So if you get angry at people that are getting angry, and if you see, like I was describing, you get, see that angry look on somebody's face.
And then you get angry too. That's one. Another one is if you are easily, upsettable easily offended or like. You know, if somebody gets mad at you. While you're driving and then you get mad right back. But like, there was nothing, if you really think about it.
They're mad at you for, they think you cut them off, but then why be mad back? It doesn't make sense. Right? When you're thinking about it logically like, oh, easily getting Rattled. So that is another hint. . Easily rattled. Mad when other people get mad. Another one, and this is one that I know all of us can relate to. Is when. We think that the other person. That is wronging us is negative. And we're just wanting to put all the blame to them. I'm only acting this way and I'm only angry and I'm only bitter because of them. They're the negative one. They're the toxic one. So that is another indicator that you are thinking negatively.
Okay. Because the work here. Is getting to the place. Where you were not easily rattled.
The objective is rediscovering your own power. Okay. And your power. Just in case you need the reminder. Is not anywhere outside of you. It is. In side of you. Okay. I know this bead be known, but I need to make this. I need to like stress this. You cannot gain power from anything outside of you.
Your power remains inside of you. Because when your power is outside of you and you think that something or somebody. Can give you power. Then you're always reliant upon them or the thing. And then guess what? That's not powerful. Because now you're relying on something. Right. True power is. All inside you, you generate your power.
And if the power is inside of you, then nothing can block. Your power, nothing can block you from. Feeling empowered
Or from feeling any specific way. You generate your feelings by the thoughts that you think. And I know that people can make This job may be more difficult for you, right? Like. For instance, the alienator can do things that make it very, very challenging for you to generate thoughts that create the feelings that you want. And the alienator can make it very, very difficult for you to Remember where your source of power is for you to harness that power? Yeah. That if you're relying on Anything that is outside of you this is a false sense of power. Okay. And so when you learn this skill, because it is a skill. Then you honestly are set. It's like teach Amanda fish and what is it? Whatever that.
It's so awful with sayings, but teach a man versus give a man a fish and he eats for a day. That's what it is. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. I teach a man how to fish and he, you know, he never goes hungry or whatever theme, same theme, same. If we're constantly getting our power from., material things and from money and from what people do when, how they act. And I feel empowered or I feel happy or I feel whatever the feeling is. You want to feel because so-and-so did such and such thing. Then this is not true, a true source of any of those feelings for you.
This is relying on something else to cause you to feel certain ways. And so what I want to help you to, become. Proficient at. Is generating whatever feeling you want. No matter what anybody else is doing. This really is what catapulted me into healing is this very.
Concept. And all of my other concepts are based off of this. Okay. So. I know though, would, it might sound like when you're in a closed space and you, when you're in an angry space or like, God yeah,. sure. That sounds lovely, but how am I supposed to think that I can just be happy all the time while the alienator's over there and they have my kids. I'm not saying that you can still won't. You can do whatever you want. As I always say.
But you can not. Like something and you, you can generate that feeling for yourself. You can know that you don't agree with something that somebody does. But. When that starts to take over you and you're not choosing it. And then they are causing your feelings. It's a whole different ball game. Then they are haunting. You.
The other person you're allowing that person to haunt your life. Okay. And I know this again because I speak from experience. So. When you're allowing other people to actually affect you on the inside. And like I said, I still am working with this.. And what I do now is shorten, the time span of my suffering.
Okay, because I know what that road ends. Like, and I know that it doesn't.
Do well for me. I don't like that feeling. I can decide that. I want to think that I don't agree with X, Y, Z. Okay. But I am in control of that. When I am. Not only in disagreement, but M
Allowing them to control that situation, that circumstance to control how I feel without me being conscious and taking control of that. That is where suffering is.
Okay. I just went off on a tangent. I'm going to go back on task now, but anyway, your power comes from within you. Okay. So this is where, like the secret of life really, truly is. And so that's really the whole point of every single episode that I'll ever do. Right. Is that we want to take back our power. We, you know, through. All of the things that have happened, we've sort of lost that. Or maybe we never even, truly harnessed our power because we were not ever taught how to do that. And that is okay. Most people are not taught.
So back to where I was the other way that you can know that you have an underlying negative tone or angry tone. Is, if you get like, easily, like perturbed in, you think that, you know, How to do everybody else's life. Right. Like if you're judgmental. And sometimes you won't notice it, but you'll notice how you feel inside.
When people inconvenience, you. Okay. Like, if you feel inconvenienced by other people a lot. Then this isn't indication, that this might be going on with you, that you might have a negative undertone. Okay. What I'd like to express to you is that when we are in judgment of other people and we are human, we're all going to judge, and, but you can actually retrain your brain so that you don't I think I've mentioned this before on this podcast,
anytime we go into judgment, we will end up in a shame cycle. Right. I know that I've said that before here. Because.
Judgment. Spurs more negativity.
And here's the thing to remember about that. They don't feel your negativity who feels your negativity. You too. notice how you feel when you're in judgment of somebody.
You'll feel that feeling of like anger or irritation, right. And. That's just going to create an energy of, negativity inside of you. The only one who is experiencing that is you. So it's D it's not helpful for you too. To judge or to. Think that we're better than this happens a lot. Like I know for me, I used to, especially when I first started healing. Ooh.
When I first started, managing my mind around all of the alienation and what had happened. And,
When I was first learning about like Personality disorders and all of that stuff. , it was so easy. Because I was on a road of healing and I was on the road to bettering myself. It was very easy for me to be in a, like on my high horse.
And I didn't even realize it. So it was very easy for me to look down upon. What my ex and what his wife were doing. And so just be very careful with that. Because again, when you get in that place, the only one who is feeling that is you. I was the only one that was feeling that, and that put me into a different kind of misery that put me into a place where I just felt constantly like irked irritated.
Higher than like wanting to make it known. How crappy they were, you know what I'm saying? And so it was also, it was a different, I wasn't feeling as powerless. It was a fake power that I felt, and it was equally is negative. Okay. You can be in the judgment with, you know, other people in your life too. Right. And so it's good, it's awesome that we're like, you know, wanting to heal and like you're wanting to better yourself, right? You're wanting to become an evolved version of you.
And. I think it'd be super helpful for you too. Also. Remind yourself that because you are becoming better, doesn't mean that I am this way and they are this way. Because when you get that, what w in that place, what happens is you suffer and your, your healing, like lacks. Okay.
So we're never better than somebody like in relation to somebody else. It's doing something from within. For you. So that you can become whole and you can feel empowered, right? That's the place where you start to soar. Okay. That's the place where the negativity lifts. Okay. And almost it feels effortless.
So coming in, bettering yourself and evolving yourself and, and wanting to grow. Just. When you're doing it from a place of not focusing on what everybody else is doing, but you're doing it from you know, from yourself for yourself. This is when it becomes. Sweet. This is when you start to really, it becomes a weightless. Okay. So that's what i have to say about that.
So the best way to if you feel stuck in it, And even the explanation about where your power comes from and all of that isn't working and you still feel like. Low grade, always irritated with other people and especially like, you know, a particular person like your ex.
Let's say you're spinning about. The same stories over and over. We're doing this, in the healing reinvention program right now in the, the monthly coaching program.
you want to take the same stories that you've been telling yourself over and over, and that like haunt you, the ones that you just like when you see somebody, whether it's your ex or whether it's somebody else that you just dislike. Right. And you see them and you're just like, oh, they're just toxic. I just don't like them.
But all of that. Right. Anytime the person comes up or you think about them, this one story like plays on repeat as if. Everything in that story is a fact. What you want to do there? Is actually separate. Your story what your narrative is from the actual facts. Of that story of that time.
Something that like, You could put into a police report or you could say on the stand, and it would be fact like a third party. Wood. Also agree with whatever statement, no opinions, no nothing. Okay. Kind of like think of it as like a, you know, I'm going to date myself again here. But like uh, see Bob run. Right. See Jane jump. Same as that very, very bland. And to the point.
That's how you can first gain some distance from your story, the story that you've been telling yourself about them. And repeating to yourself. Because when you are saying. A little they're just toxic. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to mock you, but they're just toxic. And I just don't like them and they just did this and they did that. And I'm better than them. You're not saying that, but like, that's the idea.
And they suck. Em, these are all the reasons why. You're likely doing the very things that you're hating on them for. Right. You're judging them. Your. You know, whatever them. Okay.
More importantly though, when you're in that place or recreate that for yourself while we're. While we're here talking about it. Like, think about how you feel when you're there. Right. When you're in that place where you're like, oh, them blah, blah, blah. Right. And I'm only assuming like, if you are.
Human and you have ever disliked somebody. Then I'm sure that maybe your brain doesn't sound exactly like I'm saying it. So, but I'm only assuming that similar. Type of talk goes on in your head. Okay. But anyway, if you've ever been in the spot, notice how you feel because
. I know for me it feels like icky and. Like irked in. It does feel better for a minute but in the end, like you still feel that same way when you're done doing it. You know what I'm saying? Like it doesn't, it's not an itch. You can scratch, you know,
So you want to, like I was saying, you want to get some distance from it, gain some distance from it. Separate. Your story about them or whatever they've done to you, and rethink it. Look at the facts, right? The facts only down the facts. Only, not the opinionated. If, if here's the deal.
If whatever you've written down feels negatively charged. Go back and try to do it again. If you need somebody to help you like a friend, somebody that you trust, ask them, an impartial person, how would you word this so that it was completely the feeling the emotion was taken out of this.
And again, This is not so that you can excuse what they're doing. Or that you are condoning or that you are lying down and being walked over. None of that. In fact, it's the opposite. What happens when you. Distance yourself from the story you, in fact, you, you become Indifferent to it. And so they're not affecting you as much, the person. And then you feel in turn less angry and less negative. So it has nothing to do and they never have to know.
This exercise is so that you stop feeling. The effects of anger or negativity that you might still be harboring. Okay.
And then from there, once you separate your story from the facts, rethink it. Then you can decide on a. New story, or you can just decide to drop the story completely, but when you have only the facts, then you see all that whole narrative. That You have assigned to it is yours and it's optional. Right. It's the option that you have chosen, but that option is only hurting you. It's not even hurting the person who you're angry with.
Here's a little points or two that I probably should have mentioned. If you were to write this down, The facts will usually only be depending on how long of a story this actually is. But if you're just doing like one incident, The facts will usually be no more than five sentences or five, like really five phrases.
About five I'm estimating here. Where. The narrative, your story about it, all of those details that you filled in. Those could be, that could be pages long. Of all of this. unnecessary narrative. And when I say unnecessary, I am not by any means. Minimizing what you've been through or what that person did.
As I said in a previous podcast episode. It doesn't matter whether it's true, it matters whether it's helpful. For your sanity. It does not matter what that narrative is. Okay. So hopefully that makes sense for you. So, yeah, looking at. The overall default tone that you carry. I think is. Essential. For you to kick off your healing, your growth, your recovery, if you will, from. Any trauma. Right. If you notice that you're still. Feeling affected today. Okay. Is, is the first step. There is really recognizing. Who has your power and who you you, because right now it could be that you've given your power out. You have been giving it out to the alienator, to your partner, to. The person across the street, that's pissing you off. You could give it to your kiddo.
You, you, you need them to act a certain way in order for you to feel a certain way. And I know, like, I, I have been there. I know. Oh gosh. You know, like I think so many, especially parents, we expect our children to act a certain way because that's just how we've been brought up be.
The thing is, is this is not… number one, It's not unconditional love, but it's also not a powerful place to live. Because then if we're relying on them to do something or say something or be something. Then we're stuck waiting and we're stuck in a victim mode. So if you notice any of those things going on, I think it's just a really, really helpful tool. And I know it's It's one of those more. A bigger, more jagged pill to swallow, right? To have to look inward to, start finding the healing. But I promise you. It is the most freeing work you will ever do. Okay. I love you guys. And I will see you next week.