20. Your Worthiness/Your Purpose

podcast purpose worthiness
You are worthy of everything your heart desires alienated parent
If you're experiencing any degree of alienation, you know firsthand the effects it can have on your perceived role at home, the office, and in the community around you.  I share with you:
  • my thoughts on worthiness
  • the struggle that many of us go thru when it comes to finding our purpose 
  • why we endlessly search, and 
  • how to finally find satisfaction and peace, knowing we are doing exactly what we are intended for

If you like what you hear, and you want to start seeing results in your own life, Come join BTHR's Healing & Reinvention Program!   It's a monthly membership program for parents who are ready to heal. Visit: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com

Full Show website, visit https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/podcast



Transcript below.  Pardon any grammatical errors. My priority was to make the content accessible to all as soon as possible. I will get around to editing and making it pretty!  


  Well, hello everybody. It is Wednesday the 15th. Of February. The day after Valentine's day. So happy belated Valentine's day to everybody. This is not going to be the subject for today, but I did get several messages and texts. And even a voice message from different clients throughout the day yesterday.

Most of my clients had the same sort of sentiments as it relates to Valentine's day and what Valentine's day. Means to them. Most of them Said that, as with all of the holidays, even little ones. That they would normally be gifting their children with little surprises in their lunch or you know, just little treats, and so this year, this is. Somewhat new in the last few years that they have been experiencing alienation. And they, of course were missing having the opportunity to do those things. And so I understand I too, remember doing those special things for my daughter.

I will say that the one thing that saves me now, in the teen years, they don't necessarily appreciate those things as they did when they were in elementary school or middle school.

Even middle school is a little questionable. I still would have done those things. But probably would have just gotten an eye roll if it were to truly be happening in real time, you know, these days. So I tried to remind some of the people that I spoke with yesterday, the same, you know, we do one of the two things we either catastrophize or we romanticize when we're thinking back on our past. And so in cases that we wish something still was.

We often will romanticize that and build it up. Right. Which is I think a great skill. Okay. But. Also if that skill is not necessarily helping you in the moment, like when you're feeling. , sad and, life isn't fair life isn't right. These things aren't right… 

… Then I think it's helpful. To remind yourself. Oh, yeah, well, they probably would just roll their eyes. Now, if if your kid is , in the double digit years anyway. So I just wanted to offer that to you. Cause sometimes we get caught up.

In thinking about how things were, but we don't remind ourselves that too. Things even. Absent of experiencing effects of alienation. Things wouldn't be the way they were a few years ago, because they wouldn't be the way they were a few years ago, even in a perfect world. Right. They would be maybe not grown up, but grown. by some years and things will be different. Anyway. So I think just to like a little adding little doses of reality in Is super helpful for things like that. that was just a little. Little tidbit, little tip. actually, this comes up for me when I feel like, I don't know if I shared this with you guys or not.

But oftentimes when I go to like target or you know, I'm out shopping out and about like a Nordstrom or something like that. And I see a mom with their kiddos, like they're young kiddos, especially like diaper age, of course, but like any age, really, but like elementary school, especially and lower. Right. Younger.

I will get really sad still all the time. But I have to remind myself too that I would probably be sad too. If my daughter was living with me looking at a, a little one, right? Because things are just different. They grow up and things are just not the same way as you know, they were, when she was in her diapers.

You know, because it's always sad when our children stop meeting us. Right. But that's also ultimately what we want them to do. We want to be able to raise them and ways that they can go off and into the world and stop needing us. Right. So it's sort of like a catch twenty-two there. So, and also, let me just offer you guys too that, many of you.

I have raised your children for, a lot of the single digit years. And so I will say how fortunate they are. That. They did have you as a very active, caregiver, if you were the sole caregiver for such, formative years.. And so I think it's just always so good to look at.

What you did have. And what you still do have, but when you're looking at like, time spent. Like if I was going to pick any of the years, you know, I'm glad that I spent the ones that I did with her. And who knows this is not even the middle of mine and my daughter's book. , together, our story together.

So, I know that there are years to come, it's just always helpful for me to look at it that way. Sort of like I was talking about last week about perspective,

So anyway. Hopefully your Valentine's day was peaceful.


Let's dig in to the episode. so I really want to very soon do. An episode on finding your purpose. Okay. But before I can even touch purpose. We need to first talk about.

Your worthiness. Because without. The worthiness. The purpose will be. Muddled up. Okay. So in this episode, just know that I will be sort of jumping back and forth. Into my experience with trying to find purpose.

And then back into worthiness and what have you, but I won't fully address finding your purpose until a later episode. Okay, cool.

A few years ago before I switched over to the mental health side of coaching and.

Found life coaching as my path. I did a deep dive into finding my purpose.


The alienation strategies had already started, you know, years before that..


But my governing emotion. was Feeling incomplete. I felt that way really, my whole life. But I didn't have the consciousness to really know that until I started to do all of this healing work on myself. And so I remember reading book after book and audible book after audible book. . Doing the soul searching and journaling and trying to figure out what the fuck my purpose was. I knew there had to be this like rainbows and.

Angels singing and like, you know, puppy dogs Bouncing on clouds and the whole bit. Like, I just really truly thought that once I found my purpose, it would all fit together and things would be lovely and beautiful. And all of that.

But I will tell you folks, it didn't happen that way. I mean I can't even tell you how many hours in total that I actually spent on this, like just in search of purpose. And I would read through, I would skim through books, you know, buy them on Amazon, get them, and then like, just skim through all the books to check and see if the author was gonna give me a formula. To find my purpose. I needed the formula. That was super important for me. Like I knew that there was a formula out there. There was a test I could take. There was something you know, survey, that would point me to the right thing. I mean, I did, Myers-Brigg I did, big five. I did all of the, the aptitude tests or whatever they are and still came back. Well, actually one, I will say that one of them. Just sort of, reinforce my beliefs already about me, about what I was good at. I already knew the things that I was good at And what I wanted to believe would be my purpose. I already knew that. And as a side note, I will just say thinking about it now, no matter if somebody would have told me that I was going to do the exact thing that I'm doing, if I didn't already believe it, then no test or.

I don't care. A genie in a bottle could have come out and told me I was going to do. My purpose and I wouldn't have believed them then because I already had it in my, the deep down inside of me, what I wanted. So I was looking for, we talk about, Confirmation bias. That is exactly. I wanted somebody to tell me what I already knew. Right. And I didn't want to entertain anything else, even though I kept saying that I was open, open, open, I knew I wouldn't have believed if anybody told me something that wasn't already in me.

But anyway, live and learn because what I'm saying right now, I would never have believed back then, because back then I wanted to believe that somebody else had the answer for me. Right.

really what I wanted was somebody else. To approve of my purpose So I read all these books, did all these tests, did all the things, all the surveys, and it all came back to the same thing. And that was that. My purpose. Was inside of me and nobody could tell me what that purpose was, except for me. Also what I didn't know then that I know now. Is that. Until I began to feel worthy.

Then my idea of my purpose would be clouded. Because what I had made my life mean until that point. And I assume that this could be happening for.

You as well, is that. I needed to accomplish a or B or C to get to that place. Where I would be serving purpose. That I would be making a difference. That I would be. On the right path. . Any of that language that if you use anything similar to that, then.

This episode might be good for you to sort of regroup. And come to terms with. Your own worthiness. And the idea of your purpose.

So. The definition of purpose is the reason why something exists, that is purpose. And so we as humans. Those that are searching for our purpose. Tend to think that until we find what that purpose is. That. We are lost that our life is being wasted. . That all of this time spent. Is just spent like, you know, Spinning. And all of this effort is just meaningless.

We tend to measure our lives. By the standards of everybody else. From the time that we're. Young, We'll compare ourselves to the people in our immediate surroundings, the people in our school, you know, our friends what grades so-and-so got, what, grades you got, what's so-and-so's parents allowed them to do, we're always comparing ourselves to one another.

And humans tend to think that once we get somewhere. To whatever goal that we set for ourselves, then we'll have arrived. Right? When I got my driver's license. , I will be happy. Then life will be better. My life will have meaning and purpose and blah, blah, blah. Right. And then when we get to the driver's license,

was something else right after that, I, you just want to be a senior then, because then you are, you know, at the top of the class and like everybody looks up to you, and then, when you're a senior,, it's college,

then you will truly know what your purpose is. And you'll feel like you're purposeful and. You know, you'll fit into society and it goes on and on. . From college it's, either go to work or you have children and then once you have children, that is your purpose. And here we sit.

After having children and thinking our lives were supposed to go a certain way. And then for that, not to be happening. It can be catastrophic for us. Coming to the realization that, oh shit. I thought the meaning of life was to have kids. This meant that we were successful and family and relationships.

Maybe you had a work. Purpose too. If you are work. career oriented, We think that if we get to a certain spot, whether it's corporate or. You're an entrepreneur we have to be successful at it in order for that to be our purpose. That's another added

Element of pressure that we put on ourselves. Not only do we. Need to find our purpose, but we need to be damn good at it too. And it needs to be effortless. These are all these extra rules that we put on ourselves. To be successful at life to be purposeful, to be worth something.

Right. This is how we think. And so no wonder we're constantly feeling exhausted or like we just can't reach the summit. We're almost there. We can never catch a break. You know, And so.

After alienation happens. , especially if either your children do not live in your home anymore, or that is being threatened at this moment. because they do not reside with us. We feel like we failed. At life. At our purpose at you know, living up to their expectations, whoever they is, our own expectations to. So we feel that we are less worthy. You may not say that out loud. But. Oftentimes, this is what's going on.

If this chase is happening with you, if you were thinking. You know, I failed like what now? I don't have a purpose. And so many of us, I know, I felt like that for so long. Like I was saying, I was on the search, this hunt, this chase to find my purpose. And so when my kiddo. Was all of a sudden up and gone, I was like, oh shit, not only am I grieving in this intense sadness and pain for my child.

So much is going on there, right? You have this pain for your feeling for your child, and then you have your own pain, about missing your child. And then on top of that, we all of a sudden feel less worthy. We feel less relevant. Our input matters less. We matter less.

Right. And this is what the person who was alienating your kiddo would probably love for you to believe that you matter less, right. But it is so. So very far from the truth. I can't even tell you.

Here's why. Because. You are worthy. Right now. I do not care. What

colossal fuck-ups that you might have. Done.

I does not matter. You. Sitting where you are listening to this, you are 100% worthy.

Not because you did anything good. Not because you did anything particularly bad. Not because you were born into a family of worthiness. Not because of something that your father or mother did before you were alive. It's not for any reason. Other than the fact that you were born. You are worthy 100%. For that reason alone.

You are 100% perfect. Absolutely beautifully. Crafted

Fantastically made. As you sit right here with me. There is not one thing, not one thing that you could do to become more worthy. Nothing. I don't care if you cured cancer. This would not make you any more or less worthy. Then you are right now in this moment. And here's, what's sometimes a little bit more difficult to swallow. Stay with me here. Is that. Not only are you a hundred percent worthy? So is. Somebody that alienates a child. From the other parent. They are also a hundred percent worthy. That's not the point of this episode, but I think it's essential.

To understand, because if you can understand somebody else. Being worthy. Somebody that you would maybe not necessarily want to be a hundred percent worthy. When you can understand and sort of fully let that sink in, then you can also accept your own worthiness. Because we're our hardest on ourselves, truly when we're quiet, right.


You might say, well, they have done. Some really awful, awful things to me. They have done awful things as a human being, right. They meaning either the alienator or some other perpetrator in your life. Okay. Somebody that may be abused. You.

Or hurt you in some way that you are still holding onto. Okay. But.

They are just as worthy as you or me or the next person or mother Teresa or the Pope or. Whoever it is that you idolize think of, like the most accomplished, amazing serene. Idol that you might have in your life, somebody that you hold to a high standard, like, oh my gosh. If only I could get to where they are.

You and they. Are the same.

You are their equal. We are all equally as worthy. So there is nothing that you can do or say, or any string of accomplishments that you can put together that will make you worth more than you already are. By existing. Okay. That is it. So when you strip it back, To that. That all you have to do on this earth.

Is exist is to be. Here. On this planet. And, and, and put one foot in front of the other. You don't even have to put one foot in front of the other, if you don't want to. You are, your life is perfect. As it is without you doing a damn thing. Except existing and. My teacher, Brooke Castillo says, and you don't even have to do that. You have a choice not to exist now.

Is that a viable choice in my mind? I don't think so because the only reason that we would ever choose to not exist. Is because we are, Trying to eliminate pain.

But you know that as soon as you move through that part of the paint and face it. Without trying to resist it. Relief comps. Right.

I think it's Eckhart Tolle that says suffering is the way to our consciousness. We all have to go through some sort of pain that is almost an non-negotiable. In order to grow, we need discomfort.

Okay, but for the sake of worthiness, it is absolute. Nobody. Nothing. Can take it away from you or make it more.

Substantial than it already is. You are worthy because you exist. And I'll go a step further and say that as a human. Your purpose

is existing. That is your purpose to live and breathe.

I'm going to say it again because I don't think anybody could ever say it enough. you are worthy because you exist and your whole purpose is to exist as a human that's it. That's all you have to do. No matter what you have been brought up to believe about what you need to do to be important, or to be more relevant or to be more whatever.

It's not the truth. That's a lie. It's a lie that you and I and society beliefs. Okay. So when you strip all of the other expectations away, From, who you think you're supposed to be and what is successful and what is not. And I lost my kid. , so I've lost my purpose. Remind yourself. That your purpose. Is solely to, to be present and to, live another day to put one foot forward.

And then the next, and then the next.

So then you don't have to be chasing. Some goal or some purpose or some thing that. You might have before thought was going to make you., or your life more important than it already is. Your life is just as important as the next person, no matter what you decide to do with it. No matter what.

Okay, no matter what the alienator says no matter what your child says.

Your purpose has already been fulfilled. You are fulfilling it right now in this moment. Okay. So when you. Get there and know that truly, truly feel that. Then you're not searching for your worthiness anymore, masked as searching for your purpose. Do you know what I'm saying? Then you can really ask yourself as you've stripped everything away. There's no pressure on you to beat a certain somebody or do a certain something or act in the way or get some certain sort of recognition from anybody.

When you've all of that is taken away. None of that matters.

Then you can ask yourself. What it is. And who it is that you want to be.

Like knowing that your worthiness is already a hundred percent there. And nobody can take that from you. What do you want to do with your life? And let me add that you do not have to have just one purpose. You can have many purposes.

But take away. The thought or the idea that there's any sort of credit or extra credit. At the end, once you've completed it. Nothing will make you more important than you are sitting here right now. Nothing.

Nobody else can be the judge of that.

So from that place, then you can truly, truly get to the answer that's inside of you. What you want to do for now as your purpose?

Because it's not about what you want to be in life. It's who you are being. How you're showing up. On the day to day, the hour to hour, basis. That's what matters and it doesn't, again, it doesn't matter for your worthiness.

It matters for your experience? On this earth. Okay. You can live your life. However you want to, you can live it in consciousness or seeking consciousness. Right. Going through the suffering and, and living it. In being conscious and being aware and being present with intention or you can live it completely unconsciously too. I have a feeling though. If you're listening to. To this podcast that once you've. Gotten on the road to consciousness. There's no looking back. Just just, just letting you guys know that once you have started to seek it out, that's, that's it you're done for.

But no matter what you do. It doesn't matter. It matters. How you feel at matters on the inside for you? There is no judge. I don't care who says. Your parents, all of everybody else's expectations. They don't fucking matter.

Strip it all away and like truly, truly look at it. And when you live from that place. Of. It doesn't matter. The expectations that your dad has on you. The expectations that your mom or that your siblings or your boss or the alienator or your children, none of those things matter, because guess what those things are ever changing.

Just like our own expectations for ourselves.. But when we live. In our worthiness. Then we can truly, truly live from a place of authenticity. And follow our hearts where we want to go from there, how we want to show up in this world, because all that matters

Is your interpretation and you can create whatever you want.


So that's all I have for you today is, Is that, and we will visit purpose more fully. In a later episode, but I think that this worthiness thing, because I think we just so often we mix the two up and we're constantly searching for purpose in our life, but really we're searching for our worthiness. And we think that the purpose is going to get us there.

And it never does folks. Finding. Purpose. You're chasing something that doesn't exist. Right. That is. It's a fruitless venture there. Searching for the purpose, right? Now your worthiness. On the other hand, that is worth. Diving into and discovering for yourself. So. Okay guys, have a wonderful week.



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