Ep #24: Dealt a Bad Hand? Or Maybe...
Do you find yourself saying things like:
- "Why me?"
- "I'll never find happiness again. It's just not in my cards"
- "I was just destined to have a shitty life. Alienation proved this true."
I GET IT. I was there too. It was a foundational belief that affected my results on every level or many years. I felt like I had my own ecosystem of black clouds & buzzards flying over my head on the constant. I hated how I felt. I hated how it showed up in my life. So, with a ton of determination and perseverance, I made new thought habits that proved this belief wrong.
BUT.... Know what I found out this week? A fragment of this belief still lingers in my subconscious mind. In this episode, I share with you 1.) my life before I did the work 2.) the work I did 3.) how the thought showed up the other day, 4.) and my philosophy on what my circumstance of alienation provided for me.
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You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 24. Stay tuned.
today I wanted to talk with you guys about something that I think we all have felt before. Which is feeling like you got the raw deal, right. That you got. dealt a crappy hand. Who drew the short straw. However you want to say it. This is. I think honestly, something that we all felt before even before alienation began,
I think it's the way that we as a society sort of operate. Comparing ourselves to one another. And we're always harder on ourselves and on our own lives. This is not an unfamiliar feeling for us. Let's just say that.
But when it comes to Alienation. We, of course, you know, we look around us and we see what normal quote, unquote, normal parents or normal families look like. What a normal mother, daughter, mother, son, father, daughter, father, son, relationship looks like. Romantic relationships, chances are, the person who is alienating your child from you probably isn't the first unhealthy relationship you were in. Maybe it was. And I don't want to put that on you, but as target parents, the norm. If you will.
Is that you know, we're a little bit codependent. And we tend to Seek out those that. are exciting and our, interesting and are narcissistic. And or Display narcissistic traits, I should say. And, or other unhealthy, dysfunctional traits. Yeah. So do we,
so anyway, we. Have always sort of looked at the hands that we have been dealt. Like, why don't I have a normal relationship? How come I always attract these people? Why is it, blah, blah, blah. Right. And so I want to talk with you guys today about that. I'm going to give you my experience with it, as far as alienation goes, and then.
Well first, let me say that this is definitely a more. Advanced if you will topic. But I also know that you guys can, I trust that you guys are ready to, tackle it. And if you're not then that's okay. You don't necessarily have to apply it today. . If it's not believable for you today. Like the tools, The perspective that I take. It's something at least for you to listen to and consider for later. Okay.
But for right now, I'm actually going to talk about something that everybody, all of you guys can relate to, which is my experience with, the alienation and my mindset before I came to doing all the work that I did. Okay.
So if you've been listening to me for awhile, you know, already my standpoint, or like approaches to your growth, right.
You'll know that I'm all about.
Doesn't matter if it's true, it matters. If it's helpful. But there was a time. When this was not the case for me. . And it wasn't so long ago. It was just a few years ago I fought. Everything. Tooth and nail. I fought every aspect of my life. And I got to tell you guys. Looking back on it. I would never have said this maybe even a year ago.
But looking back on it. I think I fought every aspect of my life. Long before the alienation began. And I don't know if that rings true for you, but. I can definitely say that I chose the hard road, the long road. The more exciting that's for damn sure. But it was a really tough road. Most of my life actually, So it wasn't just when the alienation began, alienation was just the hardest thing. The most difficult thing that I had ever been through.
But up until the time when alienation began, I was able to hold it together.
But when my relationship with my daughter was threatened, when my daughters.
Well being felt threatened that is when I crumbled. That was the straw. Right.
When alienation began a part of me was in complete disbelief. And as it got more and more Twilight zone ish, I couldn't believe that things were unfolding the way that they were. With their behavior. And then of course, in the courts and with the attorneys and all the things, it was like I was in this denial, the shock I know you guys can understand this.
, and then I also had this, this is not fair. This is not right. And this one. Bugged me to my core, right. The world is not right right now. It was. A really unhelpful belief that I had.
Because it kept me. In a stress response, 24 7. I had the constant feeling of turmoil inside of me. This, impending doom. Still a lot of the times when I was with my daughter, I had that, but definitely when she was, at her father's house
so that is why when she was gone. I promptly got my ass to the bar,. So that I could, alleviate the symptoms of that. But, yeah, so I had this, disbelief or this denial going on, and then I had that, what did I do to deserve this? How could this be happening to me? Why me. I'd never felt so victimized. In my entire life.
And I know you guys can relate to that too, right. And I may've always chosen the hard road. But. Nothing in my life was even close to this experience. It is, a whole different ball game.
This was all of this was my standpoint back then. It makes sense now why I acted and reacted and didn't act at all. And ended up sort of Becoming a hermit, with my social life, because I felt so misunderstood.
And so attacked on so many levels.
Each morning before I could even open my eyes. I know you guys can relate to this. That moment, you know, when you wake up and you haven't yet opened your eyes and the pit in your stomach. Because you realize where you are and what is happening every morning. It was like clockwork, right? I would wake up at the ripe hour of around nine 30, between nine 30 and 10 30 in the morning.
And I would roll out of bed and Move myself over to the couch. Where I would stay and watch the Price Is. Right. Oh, and, uh, maybe some soap operas I had my animals on my lap and I laid there. Played candy crush. till around one. O'clock when I would crack open my first, craft beer of the day. And then I would either go run stairs with a friend of mine or on a really good day. If I had been hired to do a job.
I would go out to my garage and I would paint right. And this lasted, you know, all afternoon, if I was painting, I would stretch it out to be until about two o'clock in the morning. So it was working. 12 hours a day. And in my mind I made it.
Seem like I was being productive. And I was, you know, but the way I went about it and how I was approaching my work and my life. Was just so backwards. And with so much resistance to growing as a person.
What this allowed me to do this mindset. Was to stay angry, to carry around this, this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. And of being victimized. I was the epitome. The poster child for victim hood, because even in the way that I was living my life was keeping me safe in my victim hood. And I did that to protect myself back then. Because I couldn't bear to feel the feelings of the discomfort of the grief that I was holding on to.
It was. Compound really, . It was of course this intense grief. That I felt for, not having my daughter home with me. And then on top of that, I had gotten into, another, very. Ugly. Abusive relationship with not my daughter's father with somebody else. Who was physically abusive, who was financially abusive, who was emotionally abusive.
It was a. Intensely dysfunctional situation that I was in. And, you know
The had been hospitalized and it was a mess. So the affects of me fighting. My life. were. Plain for me to see. Yet. The way that I was living. Was protecting my. View that I had been dealt a shitty hand. Remember we've talked about before confirmation bias, we want to find all the evidence to prove what we already believe. That's what I did. My lower brain wanted me to stay in the cave where I didn't have to do any work. The motivational triad seek pleasure, avoid pain, be efficient. All of those things were.
Totally in play back then for me. So all of my thinking and my actions sort of perpetuated each other, it was this. Well oiled dysfunctional machine supporting the things that I, wanted to believe. I don't know necessarily if my. Higher self wanted to believe this stuff, but definitely, my lower brain wanted to believe because it's supported the idea that I didn't need to grow.
So everything together was sort of causing my stuckedness
right. My, stagnancy.
. In fact, the situation of alienation and the way that I dealt with it at the time, which was not dealing with it. I didn't deal with it. Really. Actually caused me to become. Physically sick. Like physically, and I would also say a little mentally ill, because I was depressed. But physically I, had, blood work that was irregular, right. I was anemic. I was, and it was all of it was unexplained. Unexplainable, medical results, and so I was literally causing so much more resistance in my entire life.
So Because today, I mean, I'm still dealing with alienation, but today I am not physically ill. I don't feel physically ill anyway. today I am not suffering the effects of any sort of depression. Or, anxiety, I mean, I'd get anxiety here and there, but I don't have the every day effects that I did back then.
And so the circumstance is still the same. It's just how I've chosen now, To approach it. And it means everything. Because I could've stayed in that old way. Right.
And may have died. Seriously. I don't know how long I could have actually sustained it, but.
It would be explainable. People would understand. I think. If I would have curled up into a little ball and just wasted away. . And that's basically what I was doing then.
Getting my ass in gear became more and more alluring to me. Because of the pain, so much pain that I was going through. So much. So much resistance, so much of the victim hood. Feeling like I got the raw deal. And I was so sick of it. I was so sick of myself. I was so sick of complaining. I was so sick of hearing myself. I was so sick of being stuck.
I could not take it anymore. Like I couldn't take one more dead end. I couldn't take not being able to pay one more bill. I couldn't take avoiding one more phone call because there was a point, I think I've, shared this with you guys before where I was completely, I developed a social anxiety.
Why couldn't pick up a fucking. Telephone to answer. Hello? Not even to like it got to the point towards the end. I wasn't even answering it for my parents. Right. I like would screen the call and then gear myself up to call them back. And sometimes that took a couple of weeks. I was in a place.
You know, the only person I would show up for is my daughter. And that was it. Like, I couldn't, I couldn't manage much else. So It got to the point where I was like , I can't, I can't, I can't manage it like this I looked so sickly. So disheveled. Really. I mean, I didn't shower for, you know, sometimes seven days and I didn't even realize that I hadn't showered.
Because it was just me. I was like a crazy artist living up in the, in the Hills in Texas. On a lake. And I like talk to the deer. The deer were my friends, like literally, I drank a ton I was a recluse.
And the thoughts that I had and the way that I was living was like, it was like the world was against me. And of course I that's, what I was perpetuating was that I was dealt. The, bad, bad hand of cards the whole deck was bad. You asked me, whatever got dealt my way was just shit.
I was making a video the other day for my members. I was saying that, You don't notice the way that your thoughts and your beliefs. create your results and like how what kinds of things that you're repeating to yourself? How those really like turn into the fabric of your being right. And when you're doing this work. And you're learning how to . Create new neuropathways.
Discontinue thinking certain thoughts, when you start doing the practice each one of the days that you do it and even like over a month or whatever, you kind of look at it and it's like this isn't doing anything. This isn't. I mean, what does it matter if I miss one day I mean, does it, is it really gonna make a difference? There were times where I thought that way and my coach told me do it anyway,
and I'm so glad that I did because each one of those. Was like another building block, right? Each time I did another thought download each time I became aware of my thoughts. Each time I became aware of a new belief, each time I became aware of how my result was a direct result of a belief or a thought that I was thinking
I was actually physically changing the way that my brain operated, the way that my brain looked on the inside. Inside. Like it's completely changing the way that you think. From the very core,
you know, if you've ever played a sport or played.
An instrument, If , like you're a swimmer and you're just practicing with your Kickboard and you're doing flutter kicks and flutter kicks You're like big deal. These little drills don't do anything.
And then, you know, a few months later you're like, holy shit. I just beat my time by a minute it does matter, the way that you rewi re your brain and your thinking? It does matter. The daily practice is so important. Okay. But so .
Here's the point of the whole episode is that. Our brains are sneaky. I will find like a hidden. Core belief that I thought I had done the work on and it'll come out and show its rear its head.
In a different way and I have to then go address that. And remind myself what I am believing. It doesn't happen so much with my daughter anymore because I think with my mindset, when I'm approaching the custody situation or my daughter and my relationship, all of that, I really, really been diligent on over the years, but it does show up in the trivial like every day, whatever things. That's when I'll catch it. And that's when I know. Uh, wow. If it's showing up in this little stuff, then this belief is still present. deep, in there. Right. . So the other day I was still. I'm still cleaning my house and cleaning up all the dog hair.
And also , kind of grumbling again, this is how crazy our brains are. I was Feeling. Under appreciated by my animals.
And then the, of course that went into, I can laugh about it because it is ridiculous. . So it was, feeling underappreciated and you know, they don't ever appreciate of course, how are they supposed to show that they appreciate? They're animals!
But I was like, God, what was I thinking? Getting all these animals and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Going on and on. And I still, to this day, I will still. Hold that position. I, I don't know what was going on my mind when I kept accumulating more animals, but anyway, that's besides the point for right now.
I was like, that's what I do. I work and I clean up after. Beings that don't appreciate me. This is the way I'm thinking in my brain. As I'm cleaning up all this stuff. Right. I just felt used and abused .
I was like, I wish somebody could help me. just want somebody to be here to just come and help me with these animals. So I'm not the only one doing it. And maybe then a human could actually appreciate this stuff and blah, blah, blah.
Right. But so.
Most of it was ridiculous. Right. But the part that was sneaky was that I was like, most moms, They are
Appreciated and they also have help. They have either their husbands or their children that can be there to help, but they also. They are able to interact and get loved. Receive love.
From their family. And this was the basis of it, right? Is that I was still in this place of why don't I have that? Other people normal every other family, except for me had the luxury, or the advantage of being able to have help from others and receive love from others. Right. So I was complaining that I didn't have it. I was like, why, why, why, why is it like this? Why can't I get that too?
And then I thought. Huh.
What if, cause then all of a sudden it hit me like, oh my gosh, I'll be, look how you're thinking. And I thought, oh my gosh. What if I'm the lucky one?
Those moms that I was referring to in my brain, these imaginary moms, but like normal moms. Feel love. When. Their children or their husband or whoever. Shows them love. Right. This is something that is normal for them.
But not saying that they don't feel this, but.
They don't ever have to the mom that I have in my mind, isn't ever. Put in the position where they are, the ones that have to show love to their own selves. Not only have to, but choose. Choose to. The only way that, they can feel love. Is because somebody gives it to them.
And that my friends. Has to suck.
Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Like.
If that were me. If I was the mom that I was complaining, I wasn't. Then I would always be reliant upon somebody else's. Decision to love me actively or not. To be there for me actively or not. To be happy with who I am and how I was performing. Or not.
I can be me. And I have been given the biggest gift of all. And I mean, this. It, this whole transformation just took. 90 seconds or so. And I was like, oh my gosh, I was given the biggest gift. Because with this adversity. Came these beautiful tools. Through the suffering of learning, how to provide what I've been looking for.
What every human is looking for. Always. For my own self first. Not to say that I don't ever want to receive love from my daughter, especially, or a significant other or whoever. Right. That is, that is separate. But. Before I had no idea how to love myself. I had no idea how fulfilling. That loving me and accepting me truly is, was right.
And it folks. It truly is. Such a rewarding and fulfilling thing too. Feel. When you are providing for yourself. The things that you once relied on somebody else for. Like love. Like feeling like you belong. Today, truly on the regular basis of. There is now and then because I'm human, but I truly feel that I belong.
I don't have to be with anybody, right? No human has to be in this house and I belong. I belong, as a human I belong, on this earth. I belong in my community. I belong in any group of people that I choose to put myself. With I feel like I belong.
And that doesn't come from those people that doesn't come from their acceptance. That is a feeling that I cultivated for myself. And it's one that I always have. That's one that I bring with me.
I also like I would never, ever. If, if it hadn't been for alienation. I never would have learned. How to fiercely love me. And accept me. Faults and all for who I am. Ever. I know I never would have done the work. No, it could be different for you, but I know for me, there's no motherfucking way.
That I would have. Done the. Rigorous. Soul searching and
Diligent work that I've done over the years to come to where I am right now that all of the growth that I've done never would have happened. Right. Because growth requires discomfort. You cannot have one without the other. You just can't.
It was so funny. Cause it was like a light switch. It was like, oh,
Because I always like to, when I start to get into that place where I'm in my poopy pants, . Like I was last week already. But I was like, still had these like looming thoughts that were pretty sneaky. And I was like, Hmm. How come other moms? Why can't I be like them? Why can't I be blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, why can't I be.
And changed so quick. I was like, wait. Yeah. Why can't I be. And then I was like, wait a second. Do I wanna be. Like them.
And it was just crazy how instantly I was like, wait. Cause I was like, they're so lucky there are, so this they've got the better deal. And I was like, do they. Do they have the better deal or do I have the better deal? ' cause now I never need anybody to do that. Do I w of course, you know, I will want somebody, but that's icing on the cake. You know what I'm saying? That is icing on the cake and when we don't need somebody and somebody comes in to your life, it's such a different situation.
Right. Because there is no neediness that person does not need to define you or permit give you permission or do any of those things. They are, they're truly purely because you enjoy them and they enjoy you. That is it. And it doesn't have to be forever. Right. But what an amazing gift I was given in this alienation.
Which by the way guys, I would give back in a heartbeat if it meant that I would also have my daughter back, but it is what an amazing gift it is. That I have now. Developed this.
Steadfast like undeniable love. True. Like.
I have my own back and I love it and I never need anybody. To provide for me the feelings that I used to look to somebody else for. So that's what I wanted to share with you guys today
And that was like the long explanation through it all is that I wanted to let you guys know that I too was in a really fucking dark place. Really dark place, awful. And I had really made a mess of my life as a result of the thoughts that I was thinking because of the alienation and because of the dysfunctional life that I had before, even the alienation began, which is why I chose. My daughter's father and all the things, and I'm glad I did because at least my daughter is here, you know, on this earth. Right. Which I believe was supposed to happen. But anyway,
My point is, is that I continually kept making a mess of my life because I was in this. Fight. Right with myself. Really. And so I know what it's like to be suffering. I truly do. I should find a picture from what I was like back then, and maybe like a journal entry and post it on my website because I'm telling you guys.
It was. A completely different situation. You know, I was in a completely different head space. And physical place. Right. What was like, yeah. I don't even know how to explain it to you. It was like if I had a, a sister. It wasn't it. Wasn't who I am today. And I love past. me that version of me. I truly do. I love me compassion. And I know I use that word a lot, but it is. It's the only word that I can think of that really sums up my feelings about who and what How I was back then.
You know what
I want to stress to you guys that have. The situation was in, you know, just a few years ago It was mess, you know, and I, say that.
To offer you hope.
To offer you that maybe. Just maybe. also did not get the short straw. Right. You did not get the raw deal. Maybe just maybe. You were gifted with something amazing. With something beautiful. It just hasn't been fully unwrapped yet. So.
Like I said, if this doesn't resonate with you yet, Circle back to this one. Because maybe later it will. I know people take the stance. If you are still. Feeling victimized, right? This one might be like,
Angering to you. And for that, I don't mean to laugh, but I do know stance, you know, like I get it if this angers you, but here's The take that I have. It's happened. Like I said, last week it's happened. We're here. This is where we're at. Right. Alienation is happening or has happened or wherever you are with it. Right.
So, what are you going to do with it now? Right. We, if you stay in resistance to the fact that it's whatever's happened already. If you stay in resistance to that, you're going to be a Shelby on the couch at one 30 in the afternoon. Cracking open your first beer of the day.
Right. Causing your own physical illness. Bad blood work. Or. You can decide to utilize it. To propel you forward to build you up. Way more fun. I promise you. It may seem. Like the worst thing in the world to do while you're in it, because I used, it was a noble reason to fight because for me, I thought if I use this to my benefit, this, I would never, ever take that stance, because if I took that stance, then I was in somehow in agreement with it, you know, or I was not doing my injustice.
Justice. If that makes sense. Like I wasn't lifting up and displaying the injustices being done. Correctly. I hope that makes sense. So I needed to. Leave it as it was, I needed for that to stay that way. And an an and for me to stay stuck. In order to make sense of it.
Which didn't make any sense whatsoever. But anyway. So yeah, so maybe just, maybe you are the lucky one. Okay. Just. Consider it. Consider how that might be true for you. How you might be the lucky one today, maybe not the lucky one, even consider how.
This could be. Something that you could use to your benefit. Maybe that your situation. Is however it was handed to you. Is what is going to bring you to being the best version of yourself? And without. Going through this alienation, you would never actually reach the best version of yourself. Okay. And then you could also trust that.
This situation of alienation is also bringing your child or children. To their best versions of themselves. And I know this one is a jagged pill to swallow. Okay. I do. I know because doing that work for myself was, was a tough one at first. Right. I really wanted to resist that. There's no way.
You know, there's abuse happening and there was, you know, so many bad things happening. Why no kid should go through this. That was huge for me. But I want to remind you too, that suffering has been happening for eons. Forever. This is people have been cruel since they were people.
So this shouldn't be happening. It shouldn't this abuse shouldn't be happening. maybe just maybe. It is not a helpful thought to think it may be true. That abuse is happening. But maybe choosing to think that it shouldn't be happening. Isn't helping. You isn't helping your child, maybe finding a more helpful thought.
About this. Is what is going to bring you and your child. Also to their best version. So. I think that there's no downside to thinking. That. The abuse it has happened. Or alienation has happened. And obviously this is what should have happened since it already has. Now, how can I make something of this?
How can I influence it's change.
How can I Make an impact on my child's life from here. Okay. And instead of staying in argument with what has already been. A reality. Yeah.
Okay folks. That is all I have for you. And I'm going to have to do a lot of edits because I was a chatty Cathy, . So. Off I go to editing. As you guys know the membership program is of course still open. We are working on this month, taking back your power.
So. It's open, you know? All month long, there is no cutoff time. So you are welcome to join. Join. It is still $97 and if you come in by the end of March, then you will remain at $97 a month.
And of course as always, please rate and review. Do you know, my reasons why. And I really want to thank you for spending your time with me today. Okay guys, I'll see you next week.