Ep #25: When You Feel Discouraged/ Hard Days (as an Alienated Parent)
When alienation entered my life, it seemed like I had one hard day after another. Days accrued, my mindset was that of having a hard life. The side effects of this were evident in the quality of the results I created for myself. In this episode, I offer you a more productive stance to take about your situation. I specialize in post traumatic growth; I believe that its entirely possible for you, as an alienated parent to, cultivate a future that is infinitely better than life before alienation. I believe that your capacity for growth is so much more than it once was... and you can do it while still holding space for your children to come back, when they are ready. ❤️
When you're feeling discouraged, right? Or when you are saying that you've had a hard day. Or you have had a hard life, these kinds of things. Okay. You guys know, if you've heard me, even just a couple times before you know that I hone in on a few things.
But the biggest thing of all, like the master, head, core concept above all of everything that sort of houses all the rest of the concepts is looking at the way that you are thinking your thoughts create feelings, your feelings generate actions, and your actions.
Give you your result in your life. So whatever you're thinking the most on, whatever you're giving your energy the most to is what is gonna create the results that you have in your life.
When you're feeling discouraged, it's because you're believing something about yourself. Okay? And so this is what is worth looking into, not the challenge itself.
And I know that when I say that y there might be some people looking at their dial right now and wanting to either, turn it down or turn it off. Because with alienation you think, oh, what you're trying to say that something's wrong with me if saying that this is hard, that is not what I'm saying.
I'm saying that if you're telling yourself that you can't handle. if you are you're believing. That you can't do it, I want you to recheck yourself because I promise you, I promise you, I promise you but you can handle so much more, so much more than you ever thought was possible. You ever seen those, like that video of the mom who's like lifting a car, a whole fucking car off of the ground, off of her baby, like lifted a car up in order to get the baby out. That mom did not know she could do that shit, you know? And given the circumstance and the need for. She absolutely did it with no problem. It was like, done. What do I have to do next? Let's go bring it. And that's what I wanted to offer you guys today, is that not only are you capable of way more than you can handle,
I want to encourage you to, consider believing that you can crush it like that you can move through it And . Also you know, if it's being presented to you that you can handle it and you can kick its ass and keep going. Like, all right, it's only gonna make you stronger.
You heard me, just last week talking about, the place I was in, you know, when I was up in the hills of Texas, in my crazy artist. Era miserable. Absolutely miserable. And I was at that time mostly I was believing that I couldn't handle it.
Right. That was the undertone to it, is that I couldn't handle it. That I had to use something to numb myself in order to get through this, I used to pour myself a drink. If I thought I was gonna hear something I didn't wanna hear or I I was gonna have a difficult conversation.
Oh, I need a drink forthis. And, what I was telling myself is that I wasn't strong enough to handle it on its own, that I needed a crutch.
and I know now I was able to, to do it back then. I just wasn't accessing it then, right?
It's sort of the same thing when we talk about having a hard day usually we'll use it for like an excuse of why we're gonna have a drink later or why we're not gonna do something or show up in like our best form, right?
So we'll say, oh, well I had a hard day and, what I wanna offer you is, is that what that. Is suggesting to yourself and whoever you might be saying that to, is that you aren't capable of handling it, Okay. And what I want you to consider is that there aren't any hard days till we label them as hard.
But the thing is, that's something that I grew up with. And maybe you too. Like my mom, I can remember back when I was, you know, I don't know, in middle school at least, maybe Yeah, in grade school too. she would say, why don't we play hooky today?
You had a hard day yesterday. You know, so I mean, I, that's been a core. Belief like thought in my head since I've been a we little one, right? You know, oh, if you've had a hard day or there's a challenge that's coming your way, either you get to recoup and sort of baby yourself, coddle yourself afterwards, right?
Or you can't handle it. So you can use a crutch. In order to get through it, a blankie to get through it. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with , self soothing, but I think it always matters your mindset about it. And I think your experience in, in your whole life will be , much more enhanced when you can
look each challenge you have in the face and be able to move through it knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way. You know what I'm saying? There's a completely different feeling. One way you're like, yeah, come on, bring it on. And the other way you're like, Ugh, God, this is gonna suck. I don't know if I can handle.
I need a drink or I need whatever, something outside of me to either be there with me or to be there afterwards or blah, blah, blah.
So two different ways to go about it, two entirely different experiences. And I'm not trying to say that one is better than the other. I'm just saying that one is going to offer you more internal reward than the other one will. Okay. The other one is sending the message to you that you can't handle it without outside assistance, without a 9 1 1. Right. The one that I'm offering you is Reinforcing
to yourself that you've got this, that whatever comes your way is, it's in the bag, it's done, paid for, done lickety split.
Okay. And that way of going about it is less taxing, I think. . And it also, ensures that you have less hard days, less of a hard life, as a whole, right? Because your outlook is gonna be different. It's not gonna be a hard day or a hard life if you know that you can handle it and you are tackling each one of these challenges as they come, like, let's go bring it right?
So, I'm just picturing right now two different people with two different mindsets going into like a Tough Mudder or something, Let's say they're the same frame, they're the same everything. They're like twins. And you've got one person that's like, Ooh, this is gonna be so hard. And they're pacing and they're at the, you know, the start line. Like, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this.
Somebody gonna be there if I have to throw up, and they're so unsure of themselves and a little bit shaky and whatever. Getting ready to start this. Technical run. Right? And then the other one's like, let's go bring it. Right? Picture those two different people there and their approach to that same run,
You know which one is going to tackle that wall. The rope wall, and you know which one is going to like kill it when they run through the the, or like go underneath the, the army crawl right in the mud and then of course jumping through the fire at the end
you know which one is gonna freaking ace that race? I'm a poet . It's the one obviously who is like, let's go. I got this. Right. Even if that person doesn't look like they have the physical strength to do it, you have that attitude and that's all you need, so Yeah. I just want you to look at, I think it's really important to look at what you're saying about yourself when you're saying that you have had a hard life or that you just can't do it.
What are you saying about yourself there? Are you saying that you're not capable? Are you saying that you're not strong enough? Are you saying that you're not What? What? You know, like really, truly ask yourself. Because I know I am. I would put money on each one of you that you are strong enough to do it with that attitude.
If you don't have that attitude going through it, then you're not gonna be strong enough. Right? You won't, you won't face it in a way that you're proud of. You won't. But if you have that attitude, things are so much easier. You know, for yourself, on yourself, and you learn and you're present for so much more when you take it on like that.
Let's go, let's do this. You're youre probably saying like, yeah, Shelby, okay, but like with alienation, this is your child. I know it's, a bit more complex than that.
Or when we're talking about abuse. Right. But, but, and, but we can have something awful like abuse happened in our life and we can still take, A productive view of it. We can say it's difficult be an agreement that this is difficult shit. , it can be a very helpful stance, right.
This is hard as hell. And I'm here for it. Actually, this reminds me recently I had a. Somebody commented and another mom commented on one of my social media posts and they were like, I don't know how you can expect for mothers to just thrive and to just get over things and, you know, heal the way that you suggest that they should.
We as humans were meant to. Rear our children and, this is, devastating and catastrophic. And there's no way that anybody could really ever thrive and you shouldn't expect them to.
Right? And I get it. I a hundred percent. I responded to the person, I said, you know what, I get it. I used to share your thoughts and your feelings about this, your sentiments on this. I felt the same way.
I honestly really felt like that. There was no other place for me. Uh, all of us alienated parents, but like basically lying in the gutter, right? I was like, how can anybody survive or thrive? Having gone through this, it would make sense that all of us, I saw a very dark future for all of us, if a future at all.
I just felt like all of us would be withering away. I'm picturing a very dark gray, like icky place. That's where I was back then. So I get it like emotionally malnourished, right? For the rest of existence. I get it. I a hundred percent do. But the thing that I came to realize is that was truly, as you heard me say last week, I was wasting away and I was causing more sickness for myself.
I was adding suffering on top of suffering. It was like a net negative result. Because I had the suffering and the, , in the grief of, not having my daughter home with me anymore. And then on top of it, I was thinking that I needed to, to remain in the suffering. I was thinking that I needed to stay stuck there because that is what was required of me.
Because we, as humans, were supposed to, mothers are always supposed to rear their children And because I wasn't then something had gone terribly wrong and I must suffer for the rest of my life now. And I was punishing myself and I thought, I can't go and thrive now because if I did that, what would that say about me?
That I'm, I must be, what, what kind of person am I to be talking about myself right now when I know that my child is suffering? Like, what kind of person would do that? You know, what kind of person would do that? First off, the kind of person that knows. That causing more suffering for themselves is only a death wish.
And knows too that there are others suffering the same thing. And why not unite with them and create, power within us, right? And encourage each other to move through this, why not do that? Right. And she said, you know, how can you expect people to heal? How can I not expect people to heal?
Because the alternative is, is, is wasting away, right? And so I can either waste away or I can decide to show up for life anyway. And honor the grief that's there in the best way I know how. And lift that grief up in light, right? And then show up for the people that need it most. How can I not thrive, right?
How can I not show that that is what is possible for people? How can I not look at these challenges that I've been faced with and not go, wait a second. Maybe just maybe these challenges are here for my betterment, and then maybe they're there for my daughter's betterment, and maybe they're, here for a greater good than, I don't even know, it would be crazy for me and, and, and completely ridiculous of me to think anything else.
, or, to think that I can't handle it when I know I've been called to it. Just like, I believe that you have, there is no other explanation. , I can even come up with, yes, there has been suffering for eons and eons, and like I said last week, people have been cruel since there have been people.
But that doesn't mean that the people, they're survivors, the people like us, that we can't make something out of it, and that we can't still show up for our children. Yes. It's not in the traditional way, but maybe the traditional way is, is what is evolving.
Maybe tradition needs to be broken. Okay. We figure out how to show up, right? And maybe showing up first means that we need , to show up for ourselves, , in the best way we possibly can. Thinking outside the box and doing more than just being adequate,
maybe we need to show up so much more than what we think is adequate. So, yeah, I totally believe that looking at our challenges as if that they are there to move us, to call us for more, right?
I wanna offer that that you consider this as your own belief as well. How is alienation urging you forward instead of holding you back?
How is this urging you to think outside of the box to look at your life? To look at your child's life, , all of it. How is this urging you to move in a different way than you were?
So I want you guys to show up for your own selves in a way that is confident and that is secure, and that is sure of your path moving forward. Check yourselves each time you tell yourself that you can't. Or you're feeling discouraged. It's okay. Feeling discouraged is part of your growth process.
It's part of the hero's journey is feeling the discouragement, right, and the overwhelm and the resistance to change. That is like the beginning of the story there. There is so much more to the storyline.
In your hero's journey. So I think that that is something that is helpful to consider as well. If you're in that place where you're like still resisting it, And you're maybe taking the steps but you're a bit resentful and you're telling yourself that you can't, and that you've had a hard life,
if you're in that place, then you are just embarking on your, like, your journey of greatness, you know? So stick with it. Okay. And just remind yourself that when you are telling yourself that you've had a hard day, what you are inferring is that you can't do it. And I know you can.
On the same note, and recently I forget exactly how it came up. But anyway, somebody, got disconnected early off the group call, right? And somebody else was like, oh, we should check on them, right? We should, if they're having a hard time, we should check on them.
And I thought, okay, you can, but what I really want to offer to you is that. When you're telling yourself that you need the support from somebody else, I, no. Let me just before I even say this, just know that I'm not saying that you shouldn't reach out and have support. A hundred percent. You should have support, but when you are telling yourself that you need to go check on somebody. or the opposite, that, you need somebody to check on you
I just want to. Offer you the idea that when you are saying, oh, they need to be checked on, that person needs to be encouraged. We can never cause anybody else to feel a certain way. Each one of us is a grown person, right? And so we must be able to walk through the fire, feel capable enough to walk through the fire on our own and not need other people to hold ourhands to get through it. So sending the message to somebody else that they need to have that encouragement is only sort of underestimating them, in my opinion. And I never wanna underestimate you, ever. Okay. I know how strong you are. I do. I know it too, because , I've walked through it right.
And I know, I know you're capable of doing it, so don't underestimate yourself or anybody else. You know, like they're, each person's walk is, is they have to take the footsteps. Okay? And yes, it's always important to have support, but I just two like it's the support is an is is an extra right?
You are strong enough and capable. To walk through it and to feel your feelings for yourself
by yourself, you know, and again, I wanna stress that this does not mean that I'm suggesting that you walk this walk alone. Without support. That is not what I'm saying. Humans are, were created for community. Yeah. But, but not to make somebody feel better or to have somebody make you feel better.
Does that make sense? So I wanna hand you the thoughts that I've learned to think, because I want you to be able to empower yourself . And to grow because I believe that we can be a community of alienated parents who are thriving and at the risk of pissing some people off here, I really believe that each one of us can have and create, cultivate a better life than what we had before. We were alienated. Making room for our children to be there when they'reready. right? But yes, you absolutely can cultivate a better life for yourself. You wanna know why? This is an unpopular belief, right? what do you mean you can have a better life than when you did before alienation, before all this tragedy?
What I mean is, is alienation acted as an awakening for me, right? I began to live consciously. Once I chose that for myself, it took alienation for me to turn to consciousness. And I know that that can be true for you. And I'm like, I was say, saying this whole episode is that we were handed, each one of us was handed this challenge for a reason.
Different reasons. Yeah. But I believe that there is a reason that this happened. There could be lots of reasons. Right. But definitely one of them you can focus on is your growth Right. I believe in post-traumatic growth. It's something that I specialize in, and that is that after you go through any sort of, trauma causing event in your life that you can enhance your life as a result.
You can experience more joy, more textured emotions, you can thrive, right? Where before the traumatic event happened, most of us were living below it the veil of consciousness before the traumatic event happened.
Most of us were just going through life, having life happen at us. Now that this happened, You have this traumatic event and out of it you bloom. It's like anybody that has a near death experience,. It's like this awakening. It's the same thing. So, yeah, I absolutely think that you can have a better life, create, cultivate a better life for yourself following alienation, a hundred percent.
And not only do I think that you can, I think it's our responsibility. Again, unpopular belief, but I really, truly freaking believe it, not only for, , for, ourselves. But for our children as well, to stop the cycle. Okay. And set the example. And set the example for other alienated parents who are just now starting to go through it, right?
We can kick it in the ass and carry grief with us at the same time. It is entirely possible, and I want that for you. I truly, that is my vision. It's been my vision for, you know, over 10 years is having a community of us someday.
I wanna employ only alienated parents. That is my goal, to help you, to empower yourselves and then you guys help empower the next, and the next. Right. So yeah. Just look at the way that you're thinking about your life, right? And what you're considering difficult or something that you can't handle.
Cuz I know I am putting money on it, my bets are on you that you can handle it. It may not be pleasant like I've said, right? Especially in the beginning when you're telling yourself that you can't handle. . But once you make the shift and start telling yourself that you can handle it, you can handle anything that comes your way and it hurts and there's grief, but you can handle it, bring it on.
I'm telling you, your experience of this changes entirely, entirely. You. The suffering stops, the grief stays, the suffering stops completely. Okay. So I really, I just I'm passionate about this because I I really wanna change the, the narrative that we as alienated parents are telling ourselves and also showing to the world, right?
This hush keeps silent, Our lives are over and we you know, are martyrs. I want that to go away.
So would you rather like thinking about your legacy, and your child and what they might remember about you years from now, right? Would you rather. Have them think about you that like, oh, you know, what was done to her was awful and it was terrible and
And that you were a martyr and that you were victimized and that you became very sick and very frail and that you just couldn't handle thepressure life dealt you an awful hand, and it just kept throwing you punches and kept throwing you punches and it finally beat you up until you were so sick that you just passed on.
Right? That's one story your child could tell, or they can tell the story about how you are thriving still, and the tenacity you had and the, the, the courage to, and determination to overcome. And that you did overcome and you're killing it and you did kill it, and look at your life and look at the example you set for all of these people and , however that is for you.
But like imagine your life going in either both ways, right? And which one do you want? Right. Look at the language. You're, using for yourself. How you're looking at each area of your life. And if you're telling yourself it's too hard, it's something to visit with yourself. What am I thinking about me that is too weak?
Why am why am I not up for the challenge? Why is this too hard for me to overcome for me to move through? I can do this. sup, , you have superpowers. You wouldn't be given this amazing, ridiculously hard, challenge of alienation if, if you couldn't manage this, if you couldn't grow through this.
Okay. So you're being called to something more. That's all. That's all I have. Okay.