Are you an alienated parent feeling exhausted, invisible, or ready to give up? This week on Beyond The High Road, discover why “quiet quitting” isn’t the end of your story—but could be the beginning of your healing. Join Shelby Milford as she reveals how to break free from burn out, reclaim your energy, and find hope—even when reconnection feels impossible. Tune in and learn how purposeful prioritizing can help you move beyond survival mode and start living for you again.

In this episode, Shelby explores the concept of "quiet quitting"—not in the workplace sense, but as it applies to parents who feel compelled to step back from relentless efforts to reconnect with their children. Shelby offers a compassionate, actionable framework for moving beyond survival mode, emphasizing self-respect, purposeful prioritizing, and sustainable healing. Listeners will learn how to recognize the signs of burnout, shift from all-or-nothing thinking, and reclaim agency in their lives, all while maintaining hope for future reconnection.

 

Main Talking Points

• Understanding burnout in alienated parents and why it happens
• The concept of "quiet quitting" and how it manifests in family dynamics
• The difference between quitting from pain vs. purposeful prioritizing
• The dangers of all-or-nothing thinking and emotional exhaustion
• Shifting to self-respect, compassion, and intentional boundaries
• Practical steps for purposeful prioritizing and self-advocacy
• How to model resilience and self-care for your children, even from afar

 

Notable Quotes

• "The real win isn't about doing more or less. It's about purposeful prioritizing, getting clear on what truly nourishes your wellbeing and reclaiming your energy with intention."
• "Relentless effort starts to backfire when the cost is your own spirit."
• "Quiet quitting doesn't have to be about giving up. It can be an act of self-kindness, but stepping back from strategies and pursuits that bring only pain or burnout."
• "Purposefully prioritizing is reclaiming your power to choose where you want to invest your energy."
• "Doing things consistently on an energy output that is sustainable for you is everything."

 

Key Takeaways

• Burnout is common among alienated parents and often leads to emotional exhaustion and feelings of helplessness.
• "Quiet quitting" in parenting can be a sign of burnout, but stepping back with intention can be an act of self-care, not defeat.
• All-or-nothing thinking and acting from pain or resentment can deepen the sense of loss and isolation.
• Purposeful prioritizing means setting healthy boundaries, focusing on what you can control, and honoring your own needs.
• Modeling self-respect and resilience benefits both you and your child, even if you are not currently in contact.
• Sustainable, consistent actions—rather than desperate, exhaustive efforts—lead to long-term healing and empowerment.

 

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Episode Transcript

 You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 162.

Introduction

Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned.

Hey everybody, what's going on? So, if you've ever felt so exhausted by your family's separation or by trying to keep hope alive that you've thought about just stepping back or even disappearing into the background, this episode is for you. Today we're gonna be talking about quiet, quitting, not the workplace buzzword , but what it means for us as alienated parents that urge to stop sending texts.

Stop showing up. Stop putting your heart out there. Maybe because it feels pointless or perhaps too painful to keep fighting. But here's the twist. This episode isn't about telling you to keep pushing no matter what, like all the professionals and everybody will tell you, and it's also not about urging you to disappear without a trace. The real win isn't about doing more or less. It's about purposeful prioritizing,

getting clear on what truly nourishes your wellbeing and reclaiming your energy with intention so that you can live, heal, and even find joy no matter what is happening with your child. Right now, we'll explore how burnout can make quiet quitting. Feel like the only way out,  and why it sometimes only deepens the pain.

And what changes when you pivot to prioritizing yourself on purpose with self-respect and compassion.  If you're ready, move forward. Beyond survival mode , and make your next steps truly count. You're in the right place. , Let's get into it. So  let me just go through right now what the episode's gonna look like.  

I've got four main sections to  this. First we're gonna talk about burnout, why it happens. We'll talk about the old way quitting coming from pain. And then we're gonna talk about self-respect and compassion , and shifting into the new way.

And then we're gonna talk about purposeful, prioritizing and then practical steps. And then that'll be it. Okay.  So let's talk honestly for a second about the drive to never give up.  If you're like most alienated parents, you probably know what it's like to be told by family professionals, by the voice in your own head that you just have to keep trying, keep reaching out, keep fighting for the relationship no matter what. And maybe you have  for weeks, months, or even years you've sent cards, tried new court actions, therapy strategies, or looked for one more way for you to prove that you still care.

It makes sense. It feels like the stakes are high, right? The stakes are high, but here's the thing that nobody tells you about. When you pour energy into something over and over and the outcome doesn't change,  depending on your mindset, it can chip away at you. 

The Hidden Cost of Relentless Effort

relentless effort starts to backfire when the cost is your own spirit. Maybe you find yourself feeling more irritable, impatient, or angry than you ever expected. Maybe you start beating yourself up and thinking, if I just did more, or if I did it differently, I could fix this.

Or maybe you get stuck in that torturous loop of every little hope or action met by silence or rejection until it feels pointless. It's exhausting. Over time, you might start to feel helpless, like nothing you do matters. Sometimes the exhaustion doesn't feel like Dr.

Like a dramatic hit, right? It's more of that slow, gnawing drain.. Just getting through the day feels overwhelming, even the smallest reminders can flood you with frustration or grief, That's the truth about burnout.

It usually sneaks up on you. It starts with good intentions, with love and determination. But if it goes unchecked, it leaves you aggravated, hopeless, and wondering if you have anything left to give, not just to your child, but to yourself. That's why it's so important, I am offering that it's so important for you to step back and ask,  is this endless pushing really helping me?

Or is it just wearing me down? Because there is a better way, and we're gonna talk about it now, .  But first, we're gonna talk about a common and unhelpful way that many parents I know solve for their burnout, okay? And that is wanting to quit throwing your hands up.

What is Quiet Quitting?

So I actually didn't even define some of you, if you guys maybe remember three or so years ago there was a big deal around quiet, quitting and quiet quitting the term was originated, I believe anyway for the workplace.

Like I saw it a bunch on Instagram and all social media, right? Quiet, quitting was a way is a way, I guess for workers, employees to create healthy boundaries by working the hours they're supposed to work. Basically punching in a time clock, punching out and leaving work at work and having your own personal space time, boundaries, right?

It was a way to feel like or it is a way to feel like you have some agency and some limits to what other people can put on you, on your schedule, on your responsibilities, lists, especially without being compensated, paid for it. Okay. So that's where the term really originated from.

I believe this is, I actually did not do a search on it, but that's my impression anyway of that. But  for us as alienated parents, I see quiet quitting in a little bit more of a damaging way.  like I was just talking about with your burnout. It builds over time where you feel like you're just doing all this stuff and does it really matter. And it starts really innocently like, should I not do this?

Should I? then you do it, but then you start to notice some resentment building up, and then you notice that you

are feeling taxed and feeling worn out. And so that's the quitting I'm talking about. Okay, so for this episode, I'm gonna reference that quiet. Quitting is the old way..   

When Quitting Comes From Pain  

Many parents that I speak with on a very frequent basis, you know, like, um, in consult calls

and what have you, they schedule their discovery call I have them put down the one thing that's bothering them the most right now, and that I read those before, each clarity call with somebody.  this is one of the most.

Probably common things topics that people bring up is, I just don't know whether I wanna move, whether I should just stop. I need closure. I feel like I've done all the efforts for months, years sometimes, there's been no material change. What is this doing to me? Should I just cut them off completely?

How much is too much? How much is enough? All of those kinds of questions come into play in those first time submissions. So I see it. I see it all the time, and I know that I've been there too.  In fact, the reason that I wanted to do this episode today, and I kept thinking haven't I done an episode on this? Haven't I talked about why quitting? And maybe I have. 'cause I looked back over the last year anyway of episodes and I didn't find it, but I could have maybe addressed it in a episode titled something else, like Be Pre July, um, when I started doing things more focused searchable and what have you.

So I don't know. It could be there, but I know I have different things to say about it now. But I will say,  the reason I just told you that was because I think about this often for me and my own situation with my daughter am I here, like intentionally withdrawing? And am I doing that as a way to protect myself?

Is it coming from fear? Or am I just doing what I know to be purposeful and true for me?  I think about that so often when I feel maybe unaffected by something that maybe it could have affected or I know affects other parents. Or when I am choosing myself over maybe doing something for my daughter, whatever it is, you know, I ask myself this question.

I'm very aware of this because  I don't wanna quietly quit when it's coming from pain or desire to protect myself because I'm fearing being hurt, right?  Where everybody else will tell you to protect your heart, to, take

cautious measures or whatever they wanna say. And

The Problem with Quitting from Pain

I just don't you guys know if you've listened before that. I don't subscribe to that mindset because that's encouraging you and myself even to be acting, coming from fear.

Protecting your heart to me feels like that there's something that you need to avoid. But if you look at the thoughts and your mindset, like your beliefs around that, it could be really helpful  I wanna always encourage you to dive in to the pain, you know, not to cause unnecessary suffering for yourself, but to dive into the pain.

Because the worst that can happen is that you feel a vibration in your body. It's The story that you're telling yourself that really probably needs attention because whatever you're feeling or thinking comes from the story that's in your brain.

Therefore, you have, uh, not only the option, but I would offer the responsibility to manage those thoughts so that you can use them to work for you rather than against you.  Okay? You guys have heard me talk about that before, but I think it was really important that I did explain that, because I believe that when you're quitting anything or trying to go around it because you're trying to avoid pain, like I've been talking about so much the last few weeks, it will produce a result that you don't want.

Unhelpful Motivations When Withdrawing Coming From Pain.

Withdrawing due to hopelessness will be one of them "nothing matters. So why do I keep trying?" . 

Acting from resentment or exhaustion might be one, it's pointless. No one appreciates my effort. This is what it would sound like if you wanted to give up. Okay? And that's really what it is when silent or quiet, quitting, coming from pain is really the desire to throw your hands up out of exhaustion, exacerbation, and wanting to just forget it. I just want closure instead because you have been burning yourself out all the way up.

The situation's been burning. I'm not trying to blame you here. You know what I'm saying?  

Feeling invisible or erased: who knows if my child even gets my cards, my letters, my gifts, you know, why continue to torture myself? Why do I continue to be tortured? They're torturing me. It's torturing me. However you might say it, right?  📍

Disguising self-protection as disengagement. If I don't care, I can't be hurt. Sort of attitude. Like, it's fine. I don't care. I don't care about, I see this so often, especially, um, I'm going to over generalize here and say I see this a lot with the dads.

Not all dads, but I see it where they're like, well, if I just don't care, then I can't be hurt, so I'll just go busy myself elsewhere. But usually, usually, 'cause we're talking about your kids, that is a little fib that you might be telling yourself and wanting to believe, but probably fully don't.  

Giving up out of despair is another way. Feeling powerless, invisible. I kind of just touched on that or convinced that nothing will ever change. Letting withdrawal be shaped by anger, hopelessness, why bother? My efforts don't matter anyway, 

 The whole summary of that is allowing outside circumstances to dictate your value, effort, and hope. Okay? So those are all your motivations.   

 How it feels when you're quitting, coming from pain.

Emotional numbness. You might feel completely numb. You might feel  

Bitter.

A loss of agency like that you have no actions to take. Your efforts are futile, you may have

ongoing rumination, which is actually an action, but , shame, regret, you know, that kind of stuff. The next one I put here was

guilt, self-judgment. Am I abandoning my child? Sort of talk, right? Um, I already said regret fixating on what's lost or unfair rather than the possibility for change or noticing how the changes have already taken place, Some of them.

Deep chronic fatigue, both physically and emotionally. That's how it feels when you're quitting, coming from pain. Okay.

How it manifests

Disengagement from meaningful actions or support networks. Okay. , Avoiding calls. Missing any sort of, social gatherings or if you're in any support groups or counseling groups. Quietly doing it. A lot of the times just Deciding to disappear from them, not showing up for a while. And if you've been going for a while, you may be getting calls or texts from the people that you go there with. And maybe you're not answering them, maybe the calls or text.

I still do this. And I don't think that doing that out of, uh, um, doing it from pain or wanting to disengage with the world, well, sometimes I do it to disengage 'cause I just, it's a lot of energy for me sometimes, but I think that that is one of those leftover symptoms or actions that has just still been playing on where , I probably should give it , more attention than I have, but I'm aware of it.

So disengagement from family events, any sort of, whatever you were gung-ho about before, and all of a sudden now you're just like, oh, I've just lost interest. You know, all or nothing.

Thinking is another way that this manifests, right? Quitting, coming from pain, going from fighting hard to disappearing entirely. Crickets, the all or nothing thinking is like that. You either have to be all in or all out, and there's no gray area when most of the time you don't have to completely shut everything out, right?

But that's how our brains work coming from trauma. Another thing that we do is we sabotage new opportunities for connection by believing it's too late or it's not worth the risk. This is such a common one, and this was definitely my thing. It's not worth the risk. It's not worth me putting myself out there only to get looked at, funny, judged, whatever, also manifest and increased isolation as a result of those actions above, and living in survival mode, always waiting and never replenishing you. Those of you who are feeling like you're in a perpetual waiting game.

I would say it's definitely would be helpful for anybody that feels like they're just waiting on things to happen outside for you to start advocating for yourself and start taking time for yourself not to go blow off steam, but taking time to really replenish yourself.   so instead of quitting, coming from pain and from burnout, I wanna offer that you.

In your own life, emphasize and start focusing on self-respect and compassion quiet, quitting doesn't have to be about giving up. It can be an act of self-kindness, but stepping back from strategies and pursuits that bring only pain or burnout, you're honoring your own limits and needs. so what I'm offering here is the shift between it's all or nothing, right? I need to be going, going, going, trying all the things. I have a mom right now, I have a few moms actually right now who are in the middle of reunification therapy just ordered by the court.

So it's another one of those things. Another one of the. Checks on the list of things that they're gonna try. Why? Because why not?, But

The mom I was referring to, she right now, or she's been for a while, like, none of this is working. I should just give up completely. When is enough enough because of what I'm talking about here, we've not used the word burnout in our, sessions together, but that's exactly what's happening because you want to out of stress response fight flight, you wanna do all the things and fight for your kid.

And if you're doing that and only that,  you will burn out. And so when you get to that point where it's like, you don't even realize that it's, the slow build of exhaustion feeling turned down rejected denied and all that stuff, and you sort of swallow it, white, knuckle it, and after so much time, your body just gives out and it's like, forget this, we can't do this anymore.

Because of the way that you're believing the goals that you're setting for yourself, your expectations on each effort that you're doing in your efforts as a collective whole,  it's really important instead to look at those expectations and   📍 📍 start emphasizing self resp ect and compassion for yourself.

And when you do that. Your shift into purposeful prioritization is going to restore your emotional boundaries,  right? Instead of chasing connection at the cost of your wellbeing. Being intentional is about drawing loving boundaries. It's a way to advocate for yourself, and oftentimes a way to advocate for your child by purposely prioritizing as opposed to driving yourself into burnout, you know, which does nothing for anybody because  that's all or nothing thinking, and that's actually. your all or nothing thinking will turn into all or nothing sort of actions and for you to wanna throw your hands up, which will only strengthen the case of the alienating parent, whatever they're saying about you.

 So instead, you wanna slow and steady wins the race.  Small, consistent actions like whoever coined that phrase, dripping. Love that. As opposed to the full water faucet on, which is going to run you out of energy, stamina, out of all the things. 

 

This way that I'm offering to you guys, is also gonna help you to reclaim your agency.  📍 📍

Purposefully prioritizing is reclaiming your power to choose where you want to invest your energy,  You decide what's healthy, sustainable, and truly yours, rather than getting stuck in roles of endless striving or rejection. Okay. It also facilitates your healing.

Purposeful disengagement gives you, space for reflection, acceptance, and the opportunity to rebuild outside of the identity of the rejected parent. This allows for personal development the pursuit of joy even, and reconnection to a sense of agency. 

 

It's going to renew your energy because now you are the one that's allocating your time and it's not being allocated for you.

 That's how alienation works. If you're just, uh, succumbing to it, if you're at the effect of it you're just waiting around. It's a waiting game of The professionals, the lawyers, the alienating parent, your kiddos even. You're just waiting on everybody else. Instead. This is you deciding.

This is you allocating your time to what you know matters most.   it fully restores your sense of empowerment in my mind. Anyway. Basically I would like for you to consider that doing it this way, ,  it isn't the end of your story, it's a shift in focus.

With the energy you once spent fighting uphill battles, now you can heal, rebuild joy and create meaning outside of the struggle. Replenishing yourself so that you can go back in at your. I was about to say at your leisure, but that's not what I mean. When you choose, when you know it's right for you.  Okay? And it also doesn't, when I just said that, I just also want to emphasize too, that it doesn't mean that you need to take a set, break from it away from it all. Because again, , it's going to start to feel like you're disengaging completely from your own kids and your own, role, your own purpose, Goals, whatever. Instead, it is just a matter of where I'm gonna put my time when. 

 

Okay. So the motivation and mindset behind purposeful prioritizing is choosing to conserve energy for what's truly constructive, right? Healing self-growth, relationships that feel nurturing and feel rewarding. Actions that feel rewarding. , Recognizing when efforts become self-harm, and then being able to step back for recovery.

And so what I mean by that is often we will. Get stuck, sort of like in a glitch on one outcome that we want to make happen. And so we keep trying all the different ways, right? Because your brain's telling you, well, if we just would try this way, or if we just try that way, we just need to make this happen because we get so dead set on whatever outcome it is we want, whether it's, you know, to be invited to your kids' wedding or to, um, have them respond to you or to have a visit come through or whatever it is.

And so you try all these efforts and then that starts to become destructive, self-destructive for you , and also it takes away your, um, your sense of dignity because now you're, stooping to levels, sometimes it gets to this place, stooping to levels that you didn't ever think you would in order to get something done, which causes a lot of friction and dissonance inside of you.

Okay, so what I'm asking is that when you notice that they become self harm, acknowledging it and then allowing yourself to step back for some recovery and for some, refocusing.   📍 📍 Setting boundaries to respect your own limits without closing the door on quote unquote hope or unconditional love.  So the whole point of prioritizing purposefully is so that you can regather, regroup yourself and start building on your own self-respect.

Because I, that's one of the things that I think we lose during this whole disaster. Not only is, are others disrespecting you, but then you start disrespecting yourself many times without knowing it, you start going over your own boundaries or your own desires for yourself because you're trying everything to make things work, which only makes your whole world sort of implode. The next one is kind of, intuitive here is wanting to demonstrate to yourself, model to yourself and to your child what self-respect and resilience look like even from afar. Even if they're not seeing your day in, day out. acts to, respect yourself have agency recover and prioritize your healing and your growth.

Even maybe they don't see that action by action, but they will see the ultimate, like the end result. At some point they'll feel that energy, they'll, whether it's on social media or through the grapevine, whatever, it will be a way for you to demonstrate model. What that looks like for them, because they're probably, I don't, I'm again overgeneralizing here, but they're probably not seeing that, they're definitely not seeing that side of you from where they're standing.

Right. Because what they're being fed told, and also maybe they're not having that model to them, so they don't see what self-respect resilience and, and strength and choosing yourself and healing and all that stuff look like for their own selves. So you've gotta be the leader in that.

Okay. , Doing a, a very conscious inventory of what actually serves your wellbeing, healing, and overall life. Okay. That's another way that this, the motivation mindset sort of shows up for you when you choose purposeful prioritizing, um, intentionally choosing where to engage and where to step back, not out of defeat, but from honoring your limits and long-term values.

I think I wanna repeat this because this whole episode   📍 📍 I want to highlight that we're not stepping back or moving away or needing closure or doing it out of defeat, hopelessness, fear, any of that. Instead we're stepping into an area of growth because we're doing it to honor ourselves and our children and everybody involved. 

Okay? So it's a very slight shift. I mean, it's a huge shift, but it seems slight. It may look the same. You quietly quitting may look the same on the outside, but the way that you feel inside makes all the difference. Your motivations and mindset behind it are everything. Okay? Um, empowerment.

Okay. Intentionally choosing where to engage and where to step back. Empowerment for the win is about shifting the focus back to yourself, your healing, growth and future no matter what the external situation is. .   📍 📍 📍 📍 How it feels. Choosing purposeful, prioritizing, it feels like relief.  📍

It feels like clarity. It feels like reduced self-judgment, even in the face of unchanging circumstances with your kiddos or unchanging circumstances with anything that's going on outside of you. Okay?   📍 It feels like empowerment.

Reclaiming the choice over where your energy and love go. . Where are your, I mean, I hope I would offer that you would always feel love, but where you're really aiming your, your conscious everyday energy efforts. Right. also feels like,   📍 well, there's a gradual return of your joy and openness to new experiences, even the small ones, an excitement for what's to come returns to your life when you choose this way as opposed to the quitting, quietly quitting. you feel less guilt, I would offer. Really hardly any newly created guilt. When you're living this way, less self-critique,   📍 more trust in the healing process, you'll have more trust that it, it's possible that healing is possible, that things will work for you.

You know, that's another common unhelpful belief with new clients of mine is, I don't know, it might work for you and for everybody else, but they're different than me. And my case is so bad , I just think that healing won't happen for me. Not in the cards for me. And when you take on this new way that your emotional energy returns, making room for joy, connection, and hope in the other areas of your life, right? Or like, um, inspiration for the other areas of your life where right now, maybe if you're burned out, you're probably not feeling inspired by much. You're probably feeling hopeless and disconnected and perhaps it feels really dark for you right now. 

 

📍 Peace, even when things remain unchanged with your child, because you know you are honoring your own needs and your own boundaries, there will be peace there as opposed to all this emotional turmoil and cognitive dissonance about the actions you're taking and you're taking them because people have told you to do it or because you're shame and guilt are telling you to do it even though you need the rest and you keep going, going, going and running yourself into the ground.

This way, you offer and you create the environment for you to feel peace because you know you are honoring your own needs. You know, you are creating healthy boundaries for you, not for other people, but for you. Okay. And, and we all crave, we, we may not say this, we may not think on the forefront of our mind, but we all crave that kind of structure of like knowing where, you know, you end and the world begins, or where somebody, and even in relationships, where your responsibility is and theirs is.

So doing this for yourself, changing the way that you're going about, because we've oftentimes, we burn out because we tell ourselves that. Like I was just saying that, oh, we have to do this 'cause if not, this is the only way we can prove to our kid , that we're enough and that we love them,

but that actually is only proving to your kid and to yourself that you don't love you. You know, funny, not funny because you're not prioritizing yourself. And if there's no you, there's no hope for reconnection. Because you're depleted. All right? 

 

📍 📍 📍 📍 How it manifests, mindful reduction of your efforts that are draining, focusing on what you can control or change, you notice that you're not draining yourself. When we're, burning ourselves out, we're not really choosing anything consciously. We're just going, going, going, right, but now you're choosing to not spin your wheels, on futile efforts.

Things that don't really make a difference, Focusing on what you can control and what you can change in your immediate surroundings.  📍

Creating routines and rituals that restore you. Therapy, hobbies, connecting or reconnecting with the people in your life. You know, creating safe environment for yourself. ,  📍 Continuing small gestures when and where they feel right without attachment to your outcome. Okay? Small gestures, so that you're not doing them because you think that you should, or because that's how you have to prove to them,

it's almost like running on fumes. You know? Maybe this will work, maybe that'll work, then maybe this will show them what, blah, blah, blah. But sometimes you're not, your heart's not really in it and you're just going, going, going, 'cause you're in fight, fight response, you know? And so you're just trying to show them, show them, show them, show them.

And it doesn't, it's not coming from the heart at that point. I mean, ultimately it is, but you're not feeling it, which is going to ruin your entire experience and cause you to feel resentful. And that's what is will in the end come to bite you on the butt. Is, is taking the actions like positive quote unquote positive actions that are causing resentment in you because you're not getting, 'cause it's, it's when you're feeling resentful, after taking however many actions, it's because you have this secret expectation or maybe many secret expectations on some outcome that thus far has not happened.

And I'm, when I say this, I just wanna be careful 'cause I just sounded like it. Here. I, I don't want to put it in your mind that your efforts no matter what effort you take, it's not going to be fruitful. I don't believe that at all. I just believe truly that slow, steady wins the race, right?

Doing things consistently on an energy output that is sustainable for you. Is everything you know, it's like, whenever I started doing these episodes, this is will be the fourth year. Can you believe it? You guys? Well, this is starting the fourth year, so it's been three years.

I was so scared I wasn't gonna keep up with doing the weekly episodes. I was like, oh my gosh, that seems like such a commitment. And I didn't know how long I was gonna do it. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it to 10 episodes. And so here we are now, way past that, right?

But, I remember reading a bunch about however often you choose to do , your podcast episodes, consistency is everything. Being consistent and having that be sustainable for you, even if you're doing it once a month or once every other month, have that known to you, like in your, Agenda moving forward. And also then you wanna put that out there to the world, set the expectation for your own actions. And I truly believe that this is the way when it comes to any relationship, really have your actions be sustainable. And that doesn't mean that you can't change your mind and regroup redecide, at any point throughout.

But what is sustainable? What feels good for you? Now start there. And that's what you choose and you stick with that moving forward. That's what I think that purposeful prioritization is about. It's not about needing to quietly quit or to like put it out of your mind and have like black, white. Instead, it's how can I continue my efforts drip to drip love and do it in a way that is sustainable for me?

Not comparing to all the other parents, because then you're gonna go back to, am I doing enough? Is it not enough? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's going to send you, it's on, put you on that hamster wheel of comparing out and wondering if you're doing it wrong whatever, so make it good for you.

And then whatever you decide on, keep showing up for that until you decide that you need to, like, um, maybe there's a, a reassessment period at some point. Maybe that's not working for you. Maybe you wanna go do more efforts to your kiddo or less, or whatever that is. Maybe you send one more car to a month or in a quarter, whatever.

It's, but you decide that ahead of time for yourself and then keep that up as opposed to just throwing your hands up, in the middle of the week, or whenever you get tired of it, because there's a way for you to manage your mind around that kind of pre burnout. And it really just, it's obviously with something where you wanna throw your hands up.

There was a hidden expectation. And then do you wanna refocus to why you're doing this for you? You know, I hope that makes sense because I just kind of threw that in to a very organized, um, outline that I had written down here, , to try to keep it for time's sake way under an hour today.  📍

. Re-engaging in advocacy or support when refreshed rather than from a place of desperation.

Because that's where you start to lose your own self-respect, dignity and all the things. And it feels awful for you. And then later on you're gonna feel regret exhaustion and all the things.

That's when you have that sort of emotional hangover. What I'm offering here is that you really focus on

renewing your energy before you try to go out there and do all the things right? And be the superhero parent, 

All right. Now . I'm gonna go to the last segment, which is   📍 📍 📍 📍 practical Steps for Purposeful Prioritizing. Okay? One is recognition. Noticing your internal tone. Are you feeling resentful and helpless? Or are you feeling peaceful and empowered? , What is the tone going on in your head? How are you talking to yourself? Are you like this? So I just can't seem to figure out a way to make it happen, and they're never. Returning my calls and yada, yada yada. And that's what's fueling you?

Or is it more, I, this is what I want to do. I wanna send this card because I love my kid, and this is what I've preci for my own self-respect. I'm gonna keep my own word to myself, and I'm also going to do this because I want to drip love.   📍 And you can also reflect and ask yourself, is this effort truly getting me closer to living fully? Or does it feel depleting to me right now? And why, for each, why is it getting you closer to living fully? , Or why does it feel depleting?

Okay. Um, that will help you to gain some awareness around what actions you take and what results, those actions are creating for you. Okay. As opposed to coming from survival mode and going, going, going, coming from fight, flight, and or maybe even just freeze, where you're not going right and you're just feeling in the depleted place.

Ask why, what have my efforts been thus far? And what was I thinking? What was my intentions when doing those efforts? When taking those actions for self inquiry, ask yourself, this is kind of the same as my last question, it's just a different way to ask it.  📍

Is stepping back self advocating or is it self punishing? When I'm deciding to regroup and maybe not go and do all the things and burn myself out, am I stepping back, coming from a place feeling like I wanna advocate for myself and love myself? Or am I stepping back to punish myself because I'm telling myself it's hopeless.

What's the reason And that will help, again, help you to determine whether or not you take the actions or not. Okay?   📍 Reframing it. It doesn't have to mean letting go, letting go of whatever actions you were taking or letting go of the drive. You know, the push to always be going, going, going,

it doesn't have to mean that you lose hope. It can be an act of radical self-compassion

and agency, right? Selective engagement on your part for your own healing, selective engagement is where it's at, and you're selecting because you want to prioritize what is good for you, for the outcome of you. And whatever your, purposes are, moving forward and also for the long-term outcome of your kiddo.

Okay.   📍 Mindful action. Moving away from autopilot withdrawal to intentional healthy prioritizing. All of these episodes, every single last one of them is about helping you offering to, to, to help you to move into intentional work and away from autopilot. Because many of us, for so long, for too long, have been living, acting, believing, thinking on autopilot.

Right? And that hasn't gotten very good results thus far, is my guess. For most of us. It's a familiar place to live that creates the opposite of safety, okay? For you moving forward. And the opposite of, all the good, yummy, gooey, beautiful feelings and results that you want in your life, we want  intentional, purposeful, prioritizing sort of actions and advocacy for you, In order to demonstrate that to your kid. Because like I said, they're probably not getting that over there. They're not seeing you in that light. And also they're not getting that maybe for their own selves, perhaps, who knows?   📍 📍 Before the win. Part of this whole thing is really focusing and living, on your own terms and refusing to let alienation write the story of your life.  You know, for the win is you al locating your time and your energy to things that are truly helpful for the long term, and are restorative renewing and all the things.

Okay? It's, it's just becoming aware of your motivations behind anything you decide to do or not do moving forward. Just stop and ask yourself,  why am I doing this? What am I telling myself in my head? Am I telling myself that if I do this, that, that this will be the thing that proves to them? Or am I doing this because I love myself and I love my kid and I love my future, me and the life that I'm building?  how do I feel when I'm doing it? Because sometimes  your why. Your real why is on point. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good there. But maybe you feel like shit while you're doing the things, and that's when it's really helpful to start looking. Okay. There there's another thought here.

There's another, , belief, that's running me right now. Even though I know with my hire thinking this is what I want. There's another expectation that's interrupting and causing a lot of resistance and pain for me. So then it's just really helpful to find that thought.

Writing it down would help to get some separation from it and to become very aware, acutely aware of it, poking holes in that thought belief, is it true? Is it really true?

Does it have to be true? What else can be true? That kind of stuff. What do I really want? How can I direct my actions towards what I really want and my thoughts towards what I really want? How can I make that thought a belief, you know, like that. 

 So some other questions you can ask yourself is, why am I, um, considering stepping back? Am I acting out of defeat or self advocacy?   How does my internal tone resentful or peaceful change my daily wellbeing? It's another helpful one for like motivation mindfulness moving forward.

How does it change when I'm resentful? What happens? How does that show up in my life? Does that bleed into other areas of my life or vice versa? When I'm Feeling peaceful inside... generating a sense of peace, How does that impact my daily wellbeing And those around me?  Because it always spreads outwards. And so, um,

let's see.

Another question, and similar to the other ones I ask is, what am I fighting for and is serving me and or my child?  Where do I feel exhausted and what could I let go of for now?   What are small caring actions that I can do for myself this week? Even while you're doing the other things. 

And so, and also too, I just wanna mention that because I was talking about before like the crappy ways that we feel when we're not advocating for ourselves the idea obviously isn't to just avoid all the negative feelings because you're gonna feel the emotions that fall under the grief umbrella, right? You might even feel angry or resentful, like I was just talking about, but  are my actions backing up and reinforcing that anger?

Or are they advocating for me and opening up new areas? What are my actions supporting?  , Are they supporting that anger? Are they supporting that in my thoughts, supporting the resentment? Or am I moving myself in a direction that I know that I want to go?

You can replace things like striving, to create change. Instead with ideas of investing in myself, investing in my future. In that future, of course, probably is going to include your kiddo too. So, am I doing that at the cost of myself like, at, at my own detriment or am I building right now?

Essentially, purposefully prioritizing when done with intent. It's an act of love, not only for you, but also for your child, even if it's from a distance. And even if that means some silence for, you know, periods of time. And I don't know, it just depends for you. I could help you. If you haven't already had a clarity callor a discovery call with me, I can help you determine what that would look like. You're welcome to schedule a call. But yeah, ultimately this whole mindset shift is really, I want this to feel like an act of love for you and for your child. Even if you right now think that the only way that you can prove your love is by relentless efforts, I promise you that it is going to end up biting you in the butt.

So how can you do this and sustain? Alright.

Purposeful prioritizing creates a safe space for your healing and for joy, and for the possibility of reconnection too, , in new, healthier feeling ways. Alright. As opposed to striving, you're really advocating for and lining, setting yourself up, future, you and, and the future status of your relationship with your child, and that could begin.

You guys know the relationship with your child in the health of that. It's all in your brain anyway. It's your thoughts about that. So in order to start to better your relationship with them, even from afar, prioritize yourself. Okay? All right y'all, I'm gonna go, and I love you guys and I'll see you next week.

Okay, bye.

 Thanks so much for listening today.

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Timestamps

• 0:00 – Introduction and episode overview
• 1:40 – Burnout: Why it happens and how it feels
• 4:20 – The concept of "quiet quitting" for alienated parents
• 6:00 – Quitting from pain: Signs and emotional impact
• 12:00 – Shifting to self-respect and compassion
• 16:00 – Purposeful prioritizing: What it means and how to do it
• 19:00 – Practical steps for self-advocacy and healing
• 24:00 – Modeling resilience and self-care for your children

 28:00 – Conclusion and final thoughts