Episode Transcript

 You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 152.   

Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned. 

 Hello, you guys. How are we doing today? Um, it's raining here in sunny Florida today. It is raining hardcore, which is fine because my grass needs it. So it's kind of, it's nice to be back. It's been a couple weeks. I feel like I just went on some sort of vacation. I stayed here, I have all my clients and everything, but it felt like, um, I feel refreshed. Like I was so excited to hit record today. So, um, yeah, today we're gonna be talking about feeling misunderstood and what you can do about it.

Um, I'm gonna give you some personal experience. Well, I mean, I guess every episode is personal experience, but something that just recently happened, um, an exchange with my daughter. To respect her. I'm not going to be, reading anything that she wrote, but I can just give you the gist.

I think that this could be really helpful for those of you who are, , looking forward to contact especially if you haven't been in contact for some time, whether that's a couple months or a couple years or whatever. So, that's what we're gonna talk about. I don't think I have any announcements.

Let me go check real quick, make sure that there are new, new, go to show. we do. I was just getting ready to start the episode and I went now and looked and we have a new review again. Four weeks in a row. We are on a roll y'all. so thank you again.

Let's keep this roll up. Uh, let me read this to you. I am, this is, I'm reading it to you real time, like I, um, haven't read it yet. So Shelby has a gift. Very sweet. , I'm so thankful I found her podcast. Her delivery is so effortless and personable. It feels like she's sitting there talking to you as a friend.

She really does have a gift for coaching and her podcast content helps with encouragement and healing. Thank you so much. I'm man named Jump. That is so nice, and I had to giggle on the inside while I was reading this because it doesn't always feel so effortless. I have to tell you, there are many days, especially in the early days, you know, but like, um, even recently where it does not feel effortless like that, I have to, sometimes I have to do retakes and what have you.

So thank you. I'm glad it gives off that impression because that's really the goal. Um, but I'm also very glad, happy, um, really it, I know this sounds so cheesy, but it warms my heart to know that , it's resonating with you because you know how it is when you put something out there and you're just not always so sure that it's going to, to hit the way that you want it to.

So anyway, I really appreciate it. I always do. hopefully with all these, these new reviews that we get some more people traffic coming here so that y'all can feel, everybody can feel more supported, you know, in a very lonely, lonely situation that we all find ourselves in. So, um, and I have some news coming up.

I'm not gonna announce it now, but I am building something, a low cost community sort of thing. Okay. But I've, I'm not ready to announce it yet. So I said that. It just reminded me when I was saying, you know, feeling alone. hopefully I'll have that sorted out before the holidays really hit.

Um, just another way to support you guys or for you guys to support each other as well. So hang on to that. Um, I will let you know, um, coming up soon about that. So. Today we're gonna be talking about feeling misunderstood. I, really wanna be, cautious isn't necessarily the right word, but I wanna be mindful about what I share and I can also just edit some of this stuff out.

But what I share out there to the whole world, especially when regarding, you know, my daughter and our communication, because, I do wanna respect her privacy as much as I possibly can while still being able to take my thoughts, my experience, and share that with y'all because I know how important that is for so many of you out there.

It always feels so much better. Like, I know for me anyway, when we have a roadmap, it feels safer. More secure nurturing and reassuring and all the things, just knowing that somebody else has been there and this is what they did.

And so that's really what I, all of these episodes I wanna provide for you guys, but especially with like practical, situations, So anyway, when my daughter turned 18, let me just bring you back real quick, up to speed in case some of any of you guys are new listening and you haven't listened to the 150 episodes before this.

I'll give you a very quick one minute. Reader's Digest low down on the status of my situation with my daughter. I have not seen my daughter. Um. Even on like Zoom or whatever, since in October  I always mess up years, but like, or like time periods of time, , because it's probably a coping mechanism, but n not, not important right now.

That's just reminded me of airplane. That's not important right now. Um, but October of 2023

was the last time that I laid eyes on my daughter. The last time I saw her in person was, January of 2023. right? Yeah. January of the, the year before that. So that'll be, it'll be four years now.

Yes. Um, almost three and a half, four years. and so we were scheduled to do Zoom calls once a week, and I was still having a supervisor. Get on those calls with us, with me and my daughter, and they didn't always happen as they were supposed to, and she would have schoolwork or

there would be scheduling conflicts on the other side and they started to dwindle. And then after, the October zoom call , I didn't see her again and I kept inquiring and I was not getting any word back , from my ex and supervisor.

Wasn't sure what was going on. Long story short, come January, end of January of, um, that the next year, um, I got an email from the supervisor and also the forwarded message from. My daughter's father saying that they were going to be stopping ceasing the ordered Zoom visits or actually agreed upon Zoom visits.

We were actually supposed to see each other in person, we agreed upon when I moved from Texas to Florida, that I would come back once a month and see my daughter and then he pulled those, said, no, we're not doing that anymore once I'd already moved here. Right?

And so I'd done did that like two months in a row and then they ceased to happen anymore. And so he said, we'll just do Zoom. And then he ended up pulling those and saying, you can have an opportunity when she's 18. I wasn't surprised by this. I kind of knew that this could Be an option back when I made the decision to move, but I chose to trust him and our agreement and what have you and whatever. So, , his words to the supervisor was when Scarlet. 18, she can try as much as she wants because she'll be 18. Not that I'm following his instructions, but since then I had been waiting until she had turned 18.

But my pack to myself was, I, I don't have her phone number by the way, you guys, what I have is her social media. Right. I just, I looked her up, I found her on Instagram, found her on TikTok and so. I told myself I made a pact with myself way back whenever I got that initial letter, and I was pretty tore up about that.

Um, I even did a podcast episode about that. It was  February of 24 is when I did that episode. If you guys wanna go back there, I think it was called Ultimate Rejection if you wanted to listen to that.  So I told myself then that I would wait till she was 18, but I didn't want to, bombard her  I had been, honestly, the week that she turned 18. You guys, I had such a weird experience like the week leading up to her 18th birthday. didn't really recognize it until a few days into it, but I went into a whole nesting period. It was so fascinating and a little disturbing when it was happening at first.

'cause I didn't understand why I was like full on nesting as it like I was when I was pregnant with her, I wanted to get my house in order. I did an episode right around that time with you guys talking about, um, comparison, you know, and how I would, in my brain, while I was nesting, I was comparing my situation to maybe her dad's and stepmom's situation, right?

And like what they could provide to her versus what I could provide for her. And it came down to me being concerned about the monetary stuff, Which. I now know, like I've coached myself through that. Had my coach coach me through that too as well. And I've come through to the other side with mostly with that as far as feeling, uh, not enough, right?

, Just because of the money that I can provide to her today compared to how it used to be when I was, especially when I was with him.  Where was I with that?

so I went through this whole nesting period the week before she turned 18. Like I said, I didn't realize what was going on until a few days into it, but I was fully like organizing like spring cleaning to the nines. Like it was comical Now that I look back on it, I wanted everything in this house to be like, perfect. 

I knew that she wasn't gonna come knocking on my door at 18. So I don't really know what that was about other than sort of trauma response. And also just knowing that it could be possible for her more possible than it ever has been for her to be present here, even though I knew it wasn't gonna happen.

Do you know what I'm saying? It was just the, what was going on with me, my hormones, my whole body was like, oh, I need to get ready for her. , Not fully rational, but it is what it is.  So, the day she turned 18, you better trust that I was very aware and on point and really wanted to do all the things to reach out to her and, you know, throw her a parade, put a banner up and say, happy birthday, happy 18th, Scarlet.

When are we gonna reunite? You know, I didn't, because I wanted her to know. More by like demonstration, not by me saying something that I wasn't going to bombard her and that I wanted to set the tone for our future. Does that make sense? Like I was intentionally like, I am not going to message her too soon with too much or be too much for her because she is a lot's going on for her.

She just turned 18, it's the summertime, it's she's getting ready for school and all the things. And so I thought I'll just wait. And I told myself in August or September I will reach out to her. So, um, I started to get curious towards the end of like the last few weeks and I was like, I wonder when she starts school.

And I didn't wanna do it like when she was already in the whole mix of classes. So I thought, oh, okay, I'll do it. It's probably right now it's, anyway, I had reasoning, right? I wanted to reach out to her. After it had been some time to let her know, like by demonstration that I wasn't. Going to be knocking on her door, stalking her, right?

And that I respect her boundaries, basically, uh, her unspoken boundaries. And so I wrote her a letter, over the weekend and I'd had one drafted. I'd had several versions of the same letter drafted in my notes app and even written, like sitting there waiting in, Instagram, you know. but I never actually fully hit send until this last weekend.

Um, and it was a light but loving message to her. That's just what I'll say is just, you know, hi babe, I think about you. You are always welcome. No pressure. It's okay if you don't want to. And it's also okay that you change your mind. However, just know that I love you , I'm your biggest fan and you will always have a cheering section in me no matter what goes on. I, I'm here for you, you know? And um, so I sent that on maybe Friday.

oh yeah, I know I was, 'cause I was drafting it over at my dad's house when I went to go check on his pool. it was last Monday that I did it, I did not expect a response back. I sent it to her. Instagram and then I sent it to her TikTok as well, um, just in case.

I wasn't sure where she, you know, like really was. Anyway, so I sent the, it was the exact same message that I sent both places, and then I just let it be, I, in my mind I was like, I don't know that she's going to even open it, even if she sees it there, because I put myself in her situation and I thought if it was me and I had just gone away to school and I saw something from somebody, mom, dad doesn't matter, or just a person that I hadn't spoken with in a long time, and maybe that there was some friction or some awkward or resentment, whatever, that I probably wouldn't wanna open it because maybe I would feel overwhelmed just by the thought of it.

So I thought I, maybe she won't open it. Maybe it'll just sit there for, I was thinking months, you know? , And so no expectations, zero expectations. Then Saturday evening while I was here cleaning up the kitchen, I got a, an email, from TikTok saying that Scarlet was , waiting for a response. And I was like,  what?

 And so I wish I would've seen it or like sooner 'cause it actually had come in like two hours before that. It's fine. So I saw it without hesitation. I just immediately went and clicked on it. Where normally I might do, in other situations, I might do what I was just describing and kind of avoid it and like think about what might be in there for a while before I ever went there, tortured myself, but I didn't this time I went straight to the message, opened it and read it.

It could have been much worse. Um, it also broke my heart because I could like hear her speaking it, I was of course adding maybe some tone to it, but it broke my heart because  I could tell she was hurting and. Of course that's gonna make me sad. You know? I could tell she was hurting and she, some of the words that she used, I will say that she said it, she was in a vulnerable spot, you know, and I kind of mentioned that, um, in my first email, like, I know that things are different.

it's a departure from being at home to go to campus life. So I get it and I'm here for you. You know? And she kind of mentioned that like, you mess with my head when I'm in a really vulnerable spot. And I felt awful because the last thing I wanted to do was to mess with her head, you know? Um, and I know that I really had no control over mat other than to not message her, which would, I think in the end also not play out well.

And it wouldn't have been true to the choice , to be present and let her know that I was present for her.  So. Though, I can't say it was inevitable.

I felt really bad that she's feeling bad, you know, and she felt vulnerable and that her head was being messed with. I also know that I don't believe I would've changed my action to reach out to her and tell her I love her. So there's that. What I wish though, is that, so I read her, message to me and, , she was clearly still angry.

Um, not still angry. She was clearly angry and maybe confused and upset. I don't know about confused or not, but, cause she didn't say it herself.

I'm just guessing based on her words, you know, also she mentioned that she thought that some of the things that I posted, I, I do almost wish that I would have thought before sending on Instagram on both, because some of the, the videos that I have posted in the past and the couple that are pinned, they could have been taken in the wrong context, obviously.

You know, and that's where I think I've definitely felt misunderstood. But also I wish that I would have, um, I don't know whether that was like. Taken some of those, the, the pinned posts down, you know, or you like put some other pinned ones up or, I'm not really sure, but but I wish I would've thought more about how the posts could have been taken from her point of view.

Because even though I know what those posts are about and what I was trying to convey, she may not, especially at first glance, what I mean is, is on Instagram, and I think this is important to share with you guys. I'm not just trying to give you guys all of the crap that's going on, but more that I think now I know my missteps and where I miscalculated, I guess.

Um, there's two pinned posts on my Instagram that clearly talk about the narcissist, one of them is how I've decided to move on and not care about what the narcissist thinks so much anymore, where before I was tied up in it and the other one was talking about the effects of, of being in a narcissistic, abusive relationship.

Right. And both of those posts actually were not referring to her father, they were referring to the other guy. Right. But she doesn't know that. And it would make sense given all the rest of my content that she would think that I was speaking about her father. So I, I get why she would be upset.

She did sort of allude to the fact that I was blaming and not taking accountability, which I knew right there. When she said that, that she clearly did not see the rest of my posts, because you guys, you and I both know that that is one thing I am huge on is finding where we're accountable for me, where I'm accountable.

Because if I am able to locate where I'm at at fault, I don't wanna say who's to blame blame is never really necessary. But for me to find where I'm accountable provides. Solutions for me, provide choice for me, provides, opportunities for empowerment to feel in control of my situation.

Because when we're feeling victimized, and I know you guys, a lot of you have heard this before, but when you're feeling a victim too and feeling victimized, you shut yourself out of any possible change. Because if you're a victim, then somebody else is to blame for what has happened. And you can't do anything until that person, the person to blame rights, the wrongs.

Right. And you and I both know that in our situations, alienation, that's never going to happen. So I think blame is a useless experience in my mind. , So back to where I was, there I am reading her message from TikTok and she'd alluded to that she had seen some of my posts.

I kind of just mentioned that, um, that she'd seen some of my post and she was left a bad taste in her mouth. And I have a feeling that. What happened, because I'm picturing, I don't know, but I'm picturing her at her new school, In her dorm room. People she doesn't know. She's probably got not much to do other than scroll. . So she might have been going through stuff on TikTok, , because from the time that she messaged me till the time that I read her thing, thought about how I wanted to respond without just reacting,

and then wrote out my response, which was, I think, such a disarming and loving response. , By the time I went to hit send, and I think it happened within maybe minutes 'cause I saw her name up in the top, but then when I went to go hit send, it said, account are user not found, account not found.

However it says. So she had blocked me and it was an entirely helpless feeling experience for me because I had just written out this beautiful, I think, beautiful response to her. And then I couldn't reach her. And so then I tried Instagram, same thing. She had blocked me from everywhere. And I felt misunderstood.

I felt, denied the opportunity to. Clarify what was going on, what those posts were without, I never was going to defend myself to her because, because, well, I'm gonna read that. My response to you guys anyway in a minute. And so you'll hear line by line , how I addressed all of everything.

Um, and the reason I'm gonna read it to you was twofold. Actually. One is selfish because I probably will at some point use like clip that the, letter to her that I'm reading to you guys. I'll probably clip it and send it to her whenever she does unblock me so that she can hear it and see me saying it to her, for you guys, the reason I wanna read it to you. Is maybe so that you can model some of your responses after my response. Does that sound redundant? You know what I'm saying? So I'm gonna read that in a minute. But for the first few minutes after I realized that she had blocked me, I felt desperate.

You know, like that feeling, like the trauma response sort of anxious and like, no, how can this be, you know, it's sort of like when you lose something that you really need car keys or whatever, and you start looking in the crazy places to find the keys, like in the freezer and like above your cabinets and shit, where you know you weren't and you never put your car keys.

That's kind of the feeling that I was getting the other night, except for way more emotionally charged. 'cause this is my daughter and it's the first time like I did not expect her to write me back and oh holy shit, she wrote me back. There's in your mind there's this opportunity to connect and then, then it shut down.

And it feels awful, especially after waiting for years, , it's like this is your one shot and then boom it goes away. That's was my initial thinking. Just no it was more like, not even really conscious thinking. It was just that stress response, right. That came up for me.

that night I was pretty anxiety ridden and I paced a little bit, I was thinking a lot, processing. And then I was so tired, exhausted that I actually went to bed and slept okay. But I did a, some mind management. And that's really what I wanna talk with you guys about , so I'm gonna give you two scenarios, like what I would've done before . The unhelpful way to deal with it. And then I'll give you the the helpful way, the way that I ended up dealing with it, . Or managing my mind around it so I could have scrambled freaked out and started calling, texting all the people I know back in Texas that also know her, like her friend's parents and tried to get her phone number.

I could have tried to find her email, gone to her Snapchat, gone to all the different platforms, you know,. there's more than just the two that I messaged her on. I could have figured out a way, I could have done background checks, like that you paid a people searcher and figured out her phone number.

I could have. I probably would have in another life, like a couple years ago. I would have been catastrophizing. I would've been ruminating on all the ways that my ex fucked me, fucked us, cheated her out of a relationship with her own mom. I could have gone to thinking about what the ex is gonna do now because guaranteed that she's gonna end up going back to them for support and because they have me to blame, which is very easy for everybody to do, and I'm not doubting my daughter when I say that.

That's just a typical human response without learning how to manage your mind, because they both have me to blame I could be ruminating about and catastrophic. Thinking having catastrophic thinking about. How that this is gonna bring them closer. All the things, you know,  I could have made this whole experience this weekend really miserable for me.

It could have felt like my world was crashing down around me, I would've probably thought about what was to come for the future and how we are never gonna have any chance at reconnection. And I would've made it really real that this was one of the worst things that could have ever happened,

That she blocked me and, we're never gonna reconnect and she hates me. And I could have gone into all, all of that kind of very, very unhelpful thinking, it would've felt really real to me, and I would've exhausted myself and probably acted out in ways that. I would probably cringe at the next day,

and maybe Given myself an emotional hangover. I felt really shitty about my actions, in the days to come. I probably wouldn't be sharing any of this with you guys today if I felt shame around the actions that I took to follow the her message to me,  or I could have done what I did do, and maybe there's still some improvements that I can make from there.

But I, I, I'm okay with how I handled it thus far and how I feel about it today. And so instead of like, where most people would go or how, where I would've gone before and been very activated and felt like this was the end, and that her reaction to me meant something for the end of eternity.

And I would've felt really out of control and powerless And so what I did was. and now it's become so habit that I really had to think about what it was that kept me pretty calm throughout. Like it was,  I was still feeling negative feelings. You know? I wanna make that clear because the goal for me and what I want to offer to you guys is that the goal for you, I don't believe it's a worthy cause, if you will,  to try to avoid negative emotion because it's not gonna get you anywhere and it's gonna end up making negative emotion.

the main Course for you moving forward.  Because when we try to resist push away or deny comparison I always use is like trying to keep a beach ball , under the water. It, it doesn't work. Not for long anyway.

And because you're trying to only have positive emotions and white knuckling the negatives, you get exasperated and exhausted and it ends up coming out and you end up saying, fuck it, and then you go all in on the negative emotions. So the goal was not for me this weekend to avoid the negative, to avoid what I was feeling in the moment, which I was feeling sad and I was feeling, misunderstood unheard misread, if you will. 

I was also feeling, regret. Because of, like I said, how the, my posts, I know what I meant in all the posts, they seemed harmless to me, but I did not think about the posts coming from her side of things.

And I really wish I would've appraised my posts in a, just in a little bit more full spectrum way. Hopefully that makes sense. But I didn't, and so it is what it is. And so I have some regret around there. That's fine. And that's real. Acknowledging the emotions I have and had the other night, is really important

, And I know that you guys probably already know this, but I'm gonna reiterate it   it's important to name your emotions because then you get some separation from it being a you thing it becomes very personal like It's just you. You just get angry or you just feel guilty or you just are shame. You know when something happens and it's not, you have an emotion and it's good to say, oh, this is what I'm feeling right now, but it's not me. You know, this is not set in stone forever. This is a temporary thing to have this emotion.

 Naming it , gives you some more clarity around what's happening with you so that you don't dive in like head first to this undertow of an experience that takes you,    you are in control of your emotions always.  Even in a stress response, maybe a feeling comes up for you, but then after you acknowledge what that emotion is, then you are in control.

You are the driver of that emotion, you know, you decide what you wanna do with it.    Then After that, and this is what I suggest you guys do, is you want to identify the specific thought. And I know that I talk with you guys about this all the time, but now I'm showing you in practical terms, if you will, like the step-by-step

So let's say my emotion was. there was regret. There was also , this feeling of, of vulnerability and I didn't know what that was about. Like there was this anxiety, vulnerability and I couldn't figure it out. Like, why am I feeling so racy right now? A little bit desperate?

And I finally located the thought that night and that's what caused me to go to sleep is because I realized that the thought that was there was that I felt exposed.  it seems kind of crazy because exposed, like I'm out here and I've put all this stuff out for the world to.

Here if they want to, or see if they want to, right. These posts that I have on Instagram TikTok, I mean, anybody can access that stuff, right? So why would it make any difference that my daughter sees it? Why do I feel more exposed then? It's always been public, but because now I know for certain that she's seen that stuff it becomes more real, and then I take it on from her point of view, or what I think is, might be her point of view, and it, it feels different, you know?

And I felt exposed, the exposed part too was not just about her seeing it, but really , the old fear I had from back in the day, the reason why I didn't become a coach sooner than I did and all the things is because I was so worried about what they were gonna think. They meaning her father and stepmom, and how were they gonna respond?

So that was causing me a fair amount of anxiety. What's important to understand here is it's not because my daughter saw it and that they could possibly see it. I, I'm gonna assume that they already have seen some of the stuff. I just, just knowing the stepmom, I just cannot believe in my right thinking that she has not searched my name before.

Do you know what I'm saying? So I already, I know it's a possibility, but now what it is, is this old fear has it's not even really there anymore, but it's kind of just poked its head out, like, now what's gonna happen? See, now you've exposed yourself. What do you think they're gonna do?

So really Nothing has changed. Nothing I did is any different than I've been doing for however many years. Right. And they haven't done anything, who knows if they're going to, it doesn't really matter. What was bothering me and causing me the anxiety is my own thought.

That I'm exposed now and I want, I hope that you're understanding 'cause maybe I'm not articulating it in the way that I really wanna, wanna say it. It makes a big difference when you understand that the reason you're feeling a certain way, and I know I talk about this all the time, is only because of the thought that you're choosing or that you're subconscious has chosen for you in the moment.

The circumstances can always be the same, the emotion is coming from my thought, not what they did. So it gives you an instant, Sense of relief because then you understand that the, what's happening inside. 'cause if you are like me, we feel that anxiety coming up and a lot of times what we wanna do is fortune tell . Oh I feel anxiety. That must mean that bad stuff is to come as if it's all based on intuition and we just know 'cause we feel the energy moving and they're gonna do something right now, like as if we have the powers to see what's ahead.

But it really never is, I mean maybe it's not that I don't believe in that, but most of the time, especially coming from trauma, it's because of our own thoughts that feeling a certain way, it wasn't what she said or what she did or didn't do. It was my interpretation, or actually it's like, I don't even wanna take full ownership of that in that moment because I didn't do it consciously.

You know, that's my subconscious offering me fears to try to keep me safe,  unfortunately, the subconscious isn't thinking using the critical part, your executive functions. So it's not always gonna be rational.  So once I identified the thought that I'm exposed, then I was able to take my power back.

Because when I think that I'm exposed and I'm feeling, uh, anxious uneasy, whatever, then from there I shut down and I, second guess I ruminate about the choices I've already made, and then I don't make any more choices. I keep myself. S put into a corner, I don't create a result that's desirable for me.

I'm not open to connection reconciliation or offering love and acceptance and want to come to a place of compassion and understanding. I'm more in this feeling of desperation and trying to get out of being in trouble or something. Does that make sense? So it's really important to notice that whatever you're feeling is coming from a thought that's generated inside of you and not because of the situation on the whole.

Um, and it provides you with a sense of, like I said, a sense of relief and a sense of, agency and control over your environment, which is you essential if you want to. Move forward in a way that feels good for you, you know? So

that night I was able to go to sleep. Uh, by the way, that wasn't the only thought that I had to locate that night, or I chose to locate that night. There was like five or six main thoughts. One, another one was the worry for my daughter. That this might affect her, that this exchange or me reaching out.

There was that part of me that thought, well, maybe I should have done it differently, or I wish I would've said more on the first message to her, maybe that would've clarified some stuff. And I, so I was trying to like come up with ways to problem solve for her, misunderstanding me, which is almost an inevitable after not speaking with her for so long and coming from what she has and what I have, right?

This is just a communication.

Breakdown. I don't even wanna say that. This is just bound to come up when two people are reconnecting after a period of time, I don't even want, I, as soon as I said reconnecting, I don't know what it is, but reconnecting in the, in a message after some time, it's bound to happen.

There's nothing that I did, I was, I put so much thought into the first message and my, , intention and what I wanted to convey to her. I didn't want it to be some long, drawn out, like Bible of like all of the stuff, I purposely chose to make it short and sweet and light and not leany on her,

so I wouldn't change that. Yes, I would've taken some of those pinned posts down or like just unpinned them. I probably wouldn't have erased or changed any of the posts that I had because I put them out there for a reason. I just maybe wouldn't have like highlighted them.

Um, and so I also too, I wanna recognize her negative emotion and her experience for what it is and  not always need to fix it for her either. You know? And it's, that's a difficult thing as a parent to step into., I guess for me, before when I didn't know.

Boundaries like me having my responsibility for me and mine and her hers, especially now 'cause she's just 18. You know, I probably would've wanted to come to the rescue and fix things for her, but I now trust and hope that this is the experience that's going to bring her to her best version of me.

My best version. And what I can do to support that is to be honest and real and forthcoming and open and compassionate understanding and all the things for her experience, no matter what that is, supportive and what have you, without needing to change her opinion of me or change her experience of me.

Or her experience of her as a result of her experience of me.  Does that make sense? It's just not taking responsibility and taking the weight of the world on my shoulders

so that I can reserve my energy and also my head space to be available for her when she needs me to be present and mindful not tied up and trying to change her experience of me or change her experience. 'cause that's not mine to change doing.

That would be coming from desperation and neediness.

so here's my response to her. Now that I'm thinking about this as I'm reading this, I'm not gonna be able to share this with her because I'm gonna be looking down at my phone as opposed to looking up at her on the screen. Um, so I'll probably have to redo this or just send her the note and then talk to her later.

Sending her a clip of this is not gonna work. I said, Han, the very last thing I wanna do is make things harder for you or mess with your head. I reached out after patiently waiting since our last talk on Zoom because I've been hoping for the chance to reconnect.

Social media was the only way I knew how to contact you. And honestly, I worried about reaching out too soon or overwhelming you. If anything I posted made you feel hurt or disrespected, I'm truly sorry. That was never my intention. And I understand how important your family and support system are to you.

I won't defend my actions. I know you have your own feelings and experiences, and you deserve to have all those felt and heard.. Your thoughts and feelings matter deeply to me, and you deserve respect and validation no matter what. I love you and I wanna be present for you in any way that feels right for you, even if that means just listening or simply waiting until you're ready if you're not ready.

I understand. I just hope you know that I am here no pressure, no expectations, just unconditional support whenever and however you want it. I've learned a lot over these past few years, and I've become a much better listener. And I'm here for you in whatever way you need, even if that's just a caring ear.

I love you always, mom. So that was the response that I tried to send her the other night and was met with a bomb. Funny, not funny. I wanted to make a point, let me go back now and just explain that I wanted to make a point. She had written some things that I otherwise, like in another life, you know, a couple years ago I would've wanted to defend myself for, I would've wanted to set her straight, set the record straight, so that she didn't go on believing A, B, and C about me.

I would've wanted to reassure her about my actions or my intentions in a way that was, um, defensive. I mean, there's no way to dress that up, I wanted to make sure that I did not enter that headspace when I was writing to her, because as you guys know, what that would do was just open up the door for more argument or more resistance on both sides.

And instead, I just wanted to continue to pass the message along to her that I'm here and that I value and respect her experience and understand wherever she's at, I'm willing to meet her no matter what, wherever she's at, and that her feelings are valid. Because of the thoughts that she's thinking, accurate not accurate on her side, like what she might be assuming about me. It's okay. It's just what she happens to be thinking right now based on the information she's been given and also the lack of information she's been given. I think that equally, contributes the stories that we come up with, as humans, one of the things that we do is we take information, Whatever bits and pieces we get. They could be like, stories from two years ago, stories from last week. Stories that we just like, we think might happen in the future. And we put those all in a pile we mix those all up. Sometimes they're not even in the right order. And then for all the blank spaces, which there's always so many more blank spaces than there are context, you know, accurate information.

We are geared towards filling in those spaces. With the information that we've decided to make up, we don't realize that we're doing this when we're doing it, but we just make up probabilities. We do it because we wanna feel safe.

If it provides us this feeling of like security to know how the story either ends or what the middle part is, or what the other person is thinking, why, why they did what they did. We wanna make all that up. We make up conversations that happened that never happened in our head to support the current belief system that we already have, that we've already been practicing.

Same with my daughter. Most of us aren't really aware that we're doing this, but , the information that she might have bopping around, up in our head, not just her information, a lot of it is wildly inaccurate or out of context or what have you, you know, so I want to mindfully keep reminding, mindfully, keep reminding myself of that at every step.

Listen, she may. Be thinking things based off of some very vague information that she got before, some misleading information that she got, you know, alienation and maybe also some of the stuff that I've provided to her, she put all that stuff together. It sounded right, real probable, and that's the story that she went with.

And that becomes very real, even in our memories..  Do you ever remember, being a kid and looking at photo albums, like actual photo albums with your family of when you were little, so young that you probably wouldn't have ever generated a memory, but because you looked at that photo album so often with your parents or whoever, the stories that they told you about the pictures you're seeing of you as a baby, all of a sudden.

Those memories become your memories, but really they're just stories that somebody else told to you that became a memory for you because of what you pictured in your head based off of what somebody else told you. It wasn't actually a memory of yours. You didn't remember when you were your first birthday party, when you were one and you shoved cake in your face.

You know what I'm saying? And it's the same thing, especially with our alienated children. And I  know that you guys know this. I'm like, right now, just everything I just told you, I'm sure you're like, yeah, yeah, I know. Because it's been such a source of contention for us because their memory has much of their memory has been, , rewritten, , based on probabilities or inaccurate information. 

So it's not her fault and I can't, I will never fault her for that. And I also don't wanna place blame elsewhere. because even you guys, I know you may or may not love this part, but like even the alienating parent parents, me getting angry and blaming them, it doesn't really do much good because even though I know that a lot of it, like her father was very intentional when he said, I will make sure to tell her all the things and make her hate you by the time she's 16.

That's what he told me when she was still in diapers and I was holding her at an exchange one time. You know? So I know that he knows what he's doing, you know, but me blaming or getting angry at him for doing it. It's pointless because it ruins my experience, number one.

But number two, he believes that he's right. He believes he's justified in doing it. So why am I going to blame him? Like, what is that gonna solve so that she knows that I'm the one in the right, it doesn't solve anything, and it won't bring me closer to her, our relationship closer together. She's not gonna, that's not gonna be the realization like, oh yeah, then you were right all along.

Dad's the, it's not, gonna provide me the outcome that I want and I'm offering that it's not gonna provide you the outcome you want in the end. Like truly, unless what you really, really crave and want, all you really crave and want is revenge, maybe you'll get a feeling of satisfaction then otherwise that's not going to be the thing that reconnects you is to, for you to break the news to them, and blame anybody else.

And even yourself, you know, so feeling misunderstood, back to the topic that is usually , the go-to. When we feel misunderstood, the immediate reaction is to either wanna explain yourself away, right? Like, no, no, no. But you just don't understand. And when we're coming from that desperate place, the one of the first things that most of us do as hu humans and then coming from trauma is to blame, to point the finger or to make excuses for.

And it's only going to add to the friction that you're feeling and that maybe that they're feeling and the energy in between you guys. it's not gonna do you. Well,

Just know too that when I am talking about this, this is separate from any conversation that you might have about. Bringing clarity and light to the situation of that alienation has actually been happening. You know, that's separate. We, I've talked about that before in other episodes, but when you're feeling misunderstood, then it's not necessarily the time to.

Break the news to them that alienation's been happening. Does that make sense? Okay.

The other point that I wanna make, and I did not go off notes today, you guys, so hopefully this is coming out as effortless and, and personable as, a man called Jump said earlier, but, I was talking about how you recognize the emotions that you're feeling in the moment. Like, what is this swirling in my belly? Oh, okay, that's anxiety. What am I feeling? Like maybe I've got tense, maybe I'm feeling pacey or like fidgety.

What's going on there for me? And then what is causing this particular feeling for me? Like I said, the example that I gave you was that I felt exposed, right? That was one of 'em. The other one is that I felt powerless and I felt misunderstood. I felt, um, not heard, not given the opportunity to respond to her concerns or her objections, right?

If you will. And. In a situation where we don't feel heard, we feel misunderstood, and we wanna go explain ourselves, usually the solution for to being misunderstood, most people think, okay, well if I'm feeling misunderstood, then they have to understand me. But it's not really what's gonna provide you the relief in the end.

Her understanding me is out of my control, whether she blocked me or not, like I could have concocted the most perfect response back to her. Right? Could have been beautiful, loving, and all the things which I did. I think I did right, but maybe she wouldn't have seen my response as beautiful and loving, which I'm just guess bank on that.

Most of our kids coming from what we have, if you haven't spoken to them for a while and they're feeling a little hostile, they're not gonna all of a sudden change their opinion of you. So even the, the little slight, Nuances are like, questionable sentences you write or like hints of anything, not fully clarified in the way that you worded it is going to probably be taken wrong, if you will.

Or it could, they, they could, they can make up whatever they want about. And I don't mean that my daughter would make anything up, but you know what I'm saying? Like we, like I was just talking about, we all do that. , It's on her to, whether she understands me or not, kind of like I was talking about, um, in a really recent episode Oh, in the, the sixth truth, right?

Like constantly reaching to, to feel vindicated or, approved of Is never gonna provide you the result that you want because then it's, their approval. It's the same thing with when you feel misunderstood, that means that you need somebody else to understand you. And that is just

the goalpost is always gonna be moving for you.

It's not a high quality goal, you know? So I looked up what's the opposite of, feeling misunderstood and what perplexity told me was okay, related words and phrases.   So opposite emotions would obviously be understood.

I actually think that misunderstood is not an emotion. It's more of a perception or, uh, an assessment of what's going on for you. But anyway, let's just leave it as it is right now. So opposite emotion would feel, be feeling, understood again, perception, appreciated, which is same, we're not gonna get into the nitty gritty right now, but appreciated, accepted, and this is gonna make sense in a minute. Other words are recognized, comprehended, embraced, known, valued, seen, and heard.  Okay? Many of those are externally focused, but you can actually take the externally focused and make it about you. So if appreciated, is the opposite of, , misunderstood.  

. How can you appreciate you and your efforts thus far? For me, how could I appreciate recognize, comprehend, see value? My own response that I wrote to her,  though I wasn't able to fully send it, then    how can I try to understand her right?

If I feel misunderstood? Well, instead of seeking to be understood, maybe I seek to understand  when I place my focus on like the doing part and not the needing part,  I immediately put my whole nervous system to bed like it's being lullaby, cradled rocked when I do that.  Also when I focus on what I'm looking for others to supply for me, her to understand me.

Why don't I instead learn about me seek to understand my own self. Right? And the way that you do that is by what I was just talking about. Okay, what am I feeling right now? What is the thought that's causing it, it takes the focus off of things we can't control and places everything right back in your court.

And from there you're able to regulate your emotions. Another question you can ask yourself is,  how else could I see this situation? This is just a perception that I have right now, and that's what's causing this, whatever feeling that I'm having. But it's just a perception. It is not fact. It's not objectively how everybody would feel. 

It's not how I need to feel about the situation. I could see it in all different ways and for each one of those ways have a different set of emotions set of companies. Do you know what I'm saying? So I think it's really, really, really helpful for you to, uh, to recognize that you experience that you're having is dictated by the thought that you're opting in on in the moment.

It doesn't mean that it's a concrete, this is the only way that you could think or feel or experience the same set of circumstances, right? Not everybody would be but hurt or, feel misunderstood, even, um, when daughter blocks them on social media. I think of it like my, coach used to tell me, think of it as like .

All of the emotions being handed to you on a platter, like offered to you. Like you could pick any one of these emotions. Why are you choosing feeling victimized or feeling offended or whatever it is for you? Is that the one that you really wanna choose? Look at all the other options you have available, open the possibilities for your own self and choose the experience that feels right for you moving forward.  And again, I wanna reiterate too, that avoiding the negative feelings is not always going to work out in your best interest. My best interest. It's not gonna feel real for you. Always. Like I gave myself, um, Saturday night to have some sadness and some helplessness there.

That was real for me, you know? But I did not allow myself to go ruminating and fortune telling and catastrophizing, you know, our whole future because of one experience, one misunderstanding, you know? And that's really important for you to every single challenging situation that comes up.

I have so many options on how I wanna think about this. What is true for me and works for me the best in this situation. Like, how can I be the driver of this bus in this situation, not changing a thing that is happening outside of me, you can really put your mind and body at peace and to rest when you recognize how many choices you actually have about how you experience any situation.

Bad situation, good situation, whatever. and then for me, like I made a deal with myself. The next morning I woke up and it was still there, , I did have some weird dreams at night, but the next morning I felt it and I, I chose for me it was like cathartic, I guess, I emptied all my plant shelves cleaned everything out and redid everything.

Just replaced and made everything pretty. It was, um, therapeutic for me, but that also gave me time to process what was going on in my brain, in my mind, and what the fears were coming up for me, and not believing my fears, not catastrophizing, and going down all the rabbit holes of like, darkness. Just acknowledging what those fears were and looking at them from a sense, coming from a sense of fascination.

Oh, that's interesting. I'm telling myself that, yada, yada, yada. Is that true? Does it have to be true for me? Are there alternatives? Right? Are there other options for me to, invest myself into and which play each one of those little endings out, like how that would cause you to show up? Which one of these experiences do I want A, B, or C?

Okay. And then choose that for yourself and stick with it. So  don't let your emotions or the circumstance that somebody else hands you. Don't let the circumstance control you is my whole point of this.  And even being misunderstood. It's okay. That's inevitable, I think in any sort of relationship that we have moving forward.

alienated, not alienated, misunderstandings happen, feeling misunderstood is a very common experience for humans in general, but especially alienated parents. Don't let them have control of you. So the last thing I wanna say is that what I did is I mindfully decided how I was gonna behave from here forward with regard to this situation that happened this weekend.

And that was, I wanted to fine tune my, draft of a response to her and have that prepared for whenever the door does open again. I am not gonna badger her. I'm not gonna go all the avenues to try to locate her, pin her down, find her dorm information so that I can get her the letter so that she will read it, force her to see it.

That's not what she's ready for right now. , I'm not gonna force my reality onto her when she is ready. She, I know I trust. The opportunity will come back up again. And when it does, I will have my response already there in my notes app ready for her. And that's what I wanna offer for you.

I don't need her to understand me right now. Kind of defeats the whole purpose of connecting anyway. If you wanna just get something out to somebody so that they understand you, that's a one. It's one way communication, you know? And I understand why she blocked me too. Last thing, swear I get why she blocked me.

I a hundred percent get it because I know I put myself in her position and, well, I don't know. But I could imagine coming from her position one, unfortunately I didn't,, was not, she was not old enough yet. But also, I wasn't in the know yet on how to, I didn't teach her a effective communication skills.

When she was eight and nine years old, you know, or all the way up. At that point,, I didn't have the tools that I have today. I know that before I came across the tools and started practicing them in my life, anytime something felt out of control for me, like what she's going through, I needed to shut it down because it was too overwhelming, right?

It was like, I can't take this anymore, and I have a feeling it breaks my heart, but I have a feeling that that's what was going on for her. And so instead of she felt like she was out of options. I think, I don't know. I don't like, like I said, far be it for me to tell her what her experience is or tell the world, but I could imagine if it were me in that position, that's what I would've felt like, like that I'm out of options and I would've felt All the kinds of activation going on inside of me. And the easiest way to shut that down, because I wouldn't have been comfortable with the vibrations that were happening inside of my own body. I would have projected that outward and hit, block because that would feel like I was shutting down my own emotions inside of me.

What I know now is hitting block doesn't actually do that. It might provide a little bit of security, like safety in the way that I was thinking. Like that way I don't have any more influx of anything. She wasn't ready to hear me. That's why she blocked me and that's okay.

That is okay. I cannot fal her for that.? you know? I get it. I understand. And so, like I said, if you are feeling misunderstood, please. Do yourself and even the other person, the service of , diving into wanting to understand not only self, but also them, find the clarity around what's causing the, the upset inside you.

And then really seek to understand what's going on with them.  Not make up stories about that, that are gonna make you feel safer, because we're the parents, right? not make up stories about like, oh, they just hate me and that's because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's putting up a wall. And that is easier to do, 

but seek to really, really put yourself their position and how you might have responded at their age and what have you, you know? Okay. I'm gonna go, I have to edit that now. I hope, um, this helps at least one of you out there and, um, I'll see you guys next week. Okay.

All right. So much love.