In Episode 138, Shelby shares personal journal entries to illustrate her painful journey of dealing with parental alienation along with the steps she took to regain her sense of power and worthiness. Shelby emphasizes the importance of identifying and adhering to core values and offers practical advice for alienated parents to navigate their lives more clearly and purposefully

Episode Transcript

  You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 138. Stay tuned. Hello folks. How are we doing today? Well, I. This week has been a doozy as far as communications are concerned, I guess at least in, in the world of Shelby's Mac, all of my files. I conducted two, interviews with old clients last month within the span of a few days, really, maybe a week at the most, One of them I was gonna release today and the other one I was gonna release on Father's Day and I have spent, so the last two days, really three days searching for these files and I can't find them. They're nowhere to be found. I mean, one of these interviews we sat.

On for like two hours. I mean, some of it was shooting the ship, but it was a, a time investment for myself, but also for these, parents that I was interviewing. So anyway, um, I tell you that because yeah, that's what the plan was for this week was to release one of those interviews and. I can't find it.

I'm really hoping. I don't wanna say that I've completely lost it because both of them, because, because, right. Um, I just am not, I will not admit defeat. Every week I record sessions for my clients and I have, you know, many sessions throughout the week, at least 12 sessions throughout the week.

Most of the time, like 15 or so. Each one of those sessions gets recorded and then put into their library. Right. I don't ever miss a beat on that. That's like, they're always findable. Right. The word, you know what I'm saying? These two interviews, I, I don't know where they are. I, I do not know. I'm sure I put them somewhere.

Either that or somehow I managed to.

double delete, like delete it from the file folder and then also delete it from my trash bin, both of them two separate files. and then on top of that. I, just let me, give me a little second to rant here. I woke up because my birthday was Monday.

Happy birthday to me. But, I woke up, Sunday night basically around two o'clock in the morning. And I was like, why am I so hot? And I looked at my AC and it wasn't cooling. long story short, is that Monday. My birthday present was, couple thousand dollars bill from the HVAC guy to fix my air conditioner.

The bottom line is today I am hot in my house. There's a leak. He put Fon in the unit, but that Fon has now done leaked out again, and we're waiting on the part. So it's hot and in Florida today? I don't know.

Last I checked it was right now it says it. It says it's 92. It feels like it's about a hundred. I know it's been hot across the country. So anyway, it's been an interesting day to say the least. I've got a very future watching. Uh, the video you could see I've got like a glazed look on my face, like a shiny look.

And that's because I just didn't even bother cleaning myself up. I was like, whatever. It is what it is. So, um, here we are. What I thought that I would do is read you some journal entries like I did last summer sometime. Um, I have some more of those from that same, timeframe. then I was gonna just discuss 'em afterwards.

And I know I, the reason I thought that this might be a good idea is because, I know that many of you, not all of you listening, will relate to what I was writing back in the, those days. And then I was just gonna like talk it over with you afterwards. So that's what we're gonna do.

Um, I have so many of them and I didn't go through like every single one, but I know there's some other like. Juicy, juicy ones to go through. But I'm gonna pull up, I came across like a, I guess a theme of basically learning how to find your power, right? When you're feeling stuck in like that, in that victimized place, you know?

And so I guess this is just like the practical, um, the application of that. Like, I'm gonna give you examples of how you can do that based on my. Writings where I wasn't finding my power. Okay. All right. So the first little entry , it's from back in April of 2020. and I believe that what was happening here is that I was always thinking about things ahead of time to talk with my coach about in our weekly call.

Right? And so this was right here. It says it's having to do with parental alienation. I'm a devoted mom. This is back when I had just first started that coaching program that I had told you about, probably in the last time that I did these. Read these out to you back last July, I think. so it's having to do with parental alienation. I'm a devoted mom of a 12-year-old girl, and the PA began about 11 years ago.

It was awful from the get go, but manageable until they, the father and the stepmom succeeded in fully brainwashing her into thinking that she had to choose between us. I see it hurting her, and although I know I cannot control the outcome, I've allowed their actions to infiltrate my life in every way in the form of shame, because what loving mother would allow this to happen to their own child, anger, diminished self-worth, on and on

i've heard the grieving experience as compared to as if a child dies but then returns each day, therefore leaving no space for mourning. And then I wrote in parentheses, this comparison doesn't fully resonate with me because why would I ever lose hope that she'll feel compelled to come back? Right?

I mean, I doubt that her father will magically snap out of his narcissism, but I trust that one day, hopefully soon, she will see after loads of therapy and the total immersion in self-care, self-help. I. Countless audible books, I still cannot manage to remove myself from the victim role.

I wanna find some higher ground to stand on if only, but to move forward in the other areas of my life. I sit here trying different models on, but can't seem to tap into the T line that will get me there. And so what I mean, the last line is the place that I went to school where I got certified the second time around. They work from a model, and that's actually that same model is the model that I use with my clients. Each time I coach them. So that's what I was talking about here is different thought models. And I know that I've probably talked about those a little bit with you guys on the episodes, right?

So I sit here trying on different models, on different thoughts, different, different emotions, right? But can't seem to tap into the thought line that will help to get me there. Because in my mind back then I could fix myself up in all the ways and think straight about it. But still I was stuck no matter which area of my life.

Still I was stuck feeling a victim. Like yeah, but this area like that their actions to alienate, to incarcerate to. Belittle and, ostracize me. Those became me, right. Their actions became my story. And that was really hard to escape from. And that's how I would've said it back then is try to escape, get away from right to climb out of, but.

I know now that I can't say I was thinking about it wrong. It makes sense that I thought about it this way. That would make sense that you think about it this way. If that's you, you know, like that their actions, their decisions, their bad behavior, has now affected you to the point where this is now your story.

The alienation has now infiltrated your entire life, and this is who you are now. Is this alienated for me, this alienated mom. I didn't know who else I was besides that, you know, how could I be anything other than that this affects, this is my child. They're affecting. And that part makes sense, right? Like yes, of course your child or children or are definitely being negatively affected by Their abuse, we can't take away anything that they've done. But just because they've done those things, made those decisions. Acted to alienate, affected maybe other areas of, not maybe for me, definitely affected other areas of my life and how I could perform in those areas. Absolutely. Their efforts did, they did at one point, but today and soon after this, I learned that I didn't have to.

Have those efforts define my steps moving forward, I thought, well, how could I not be making decisions based on history. Right. But actually that's not the case. There's another way that you can do it so that you're not. Allowing them or using them as your compass, right? Like, if I do this, then they'll do this. Right. Always feeling like you have to strategize.

There's another way to direct your steps from now and moving forward that isn't reliant upon what they've done and what they're going to do. It's All reliant upon. What you value, how you wanna show up . So I'll explain that in just a little bit.

Okay. So

the next one

was from. April 30th, 2020. Right in the beginning of the whole Covid chaos. Sunday I had a zoom call scheduled for us. After a couple of hiccups due to the supervisor's personal life, we were finally able to connect. I expressed my concern with Rhonda, the supervisor is I had a feeling that Scarlettt may be pulled away from whatever she was doing, however, she insisted that we do it anyway.

Once Scarlettt got on, I immediately noticed her attitude and the circles under her eyes, and then I wrote in parentheses, Scarlettt shows her stress this way.

I think the pressure from her stepmother exhausts her inside. I saw her motioning to someone just outside of her room as if to say, yeah, I'm getting off. Scarlettt. Asked if we could skip today, and I let her know that I was absolutely willing to reschedule until the following day. The following day, we reconvened at 1:00 PM As soon as we got on, I noticed and commented how much more awake and happy she appeared.

She did not waste any time and began by saying, I'd like to do things a little differently today. At first, I thought, oh, great. she thought of a game to play, I'd been requesting her to. Come up with some games or some ideas like conversation pieces, starters like to do, to play. Um, rather than me just asking her like 20 questions, right? And so that's what I thought she was gonna do. And then I wrote, although upon watching her serious almost removed facial expression. I quickly realized different, a lump in my belly began to form. She told me she was gonna read me a letter that she wrote. Oh God. I thought, here it comes again.

So previously I'd gotten two or three handwritten letters on the days that I would see her. They were always delivered to me after the visit, like after her and I spent time together, the supervisor would then hand this to me. So I had no idea it was coming throughout the whole visit.

And we would have, you know, seemingly pretty normal visits. And then I would get this letter and these letters always came, always came directly before they thought that there was gonna be some sort of court hearing. Oh God. I thought, here it comes again. She began the letter tightlipped and determined reading her words fast and sternly. Mom, I do not want to do this anymore. I don't wanna do Zoom and I don't wanna see you. I want you to leave me and my family alone.

Every day you have a choice to wake up and be a mom or not, and you've chosen time and again, not, you have not gotten sober and you don't do what's needed. You chose this. This is your fault. It's not my fault. As she's pointing, it's not my family's fault. Nobody here did this. You did it. You're only hurting me and causing my family stress.

I have a mom and she's right downstairs. She taught me everything I know, not you. I just want to live my life. I'm was 13 and it's time I start making my own decisions. I don't have any say in any of this and I'm sick of it. I told you I didn't want to do this yesterday and you still did it anyway.

You have yet to ever apologize for anything and it makes me sick. The lump in my gut turned into a full body experience. My hands and feet became cold. I felt the anxiety everywhere. My skin ate the way it does. Only when I witnessed my daughter being overtaken by the lies and wickedness fed to her, my

. Me Scarlettt. Let me just start by saying how deeply sorry I am for any you, the pain I've caused you her face softened. Diffused. Believe it or not, this is the only thing I've tried to accomplish throughout keeping you from pain.

It hurts me to see you hurting and angry like this. You have no idea how much I hate this for you. I truly, truly am sorry for any and all of my actions that caused you to feel this way. I could tell she didn't know where to go from there.

I think she was expecting an argument. I also need to say that there are things, situations that are just aren't appropriate for kids. Whether you're 17 or seven, going to court is one of them. You should be worrying about being a kid, and that is it. She said, do you think I'm dumb?

I mean, I'm almost 13. You think when we're supervised that I don't know. Scarlettt things not always as they seem. I said there are more facts here that you're unaware of.

Facts that adults should worry about, not you. I will tell you that I have remained sober and I will take any test you want in order to prove So Scarlettt, again, looking slightly dumbfounded either way, supervision has been happening for years. That was something issued a long time ago.

The court dates are separate and those are things that you should not need to hold on your plate. There's no reason for you to know if and when court is scheduled. Scarlettt says, I need you to promise me something. . Will you promise to say that you'll do it? Promise. To which I said, Scarlettt, I'm not gonna blindly promise you something. I knew what she was about to ask. That wouldn't be an authentic promise. What are you asking, Scarlettt I need you to promise me that you won't take me and my family back to court.

Promise me, Scarlettt, I can't make that promise. The only reason you wanna go back to court is to win. You don't care about anything else. You just want to win. Me you know fully that this is far from the case. I said, what is it? You're scared that's

gonna change, Scarlet.

I don't want

you causing my family any more stress. You caused enough damage, don't you think? Me Scarlettt. What about court worries you? What do you think is going to change? I have my own family, she said, I don't wanna miss any time with them. I don't wanna spend 50% of my time away from them.

And then I wrote all of that. Coaching has finally paid off for them. The way she was saying it seemed rehearsed. I asked again and again, what else yet? She had no other answers to give. Only that she was 13 and she needed to make her own decisions.

That was earlier on in the week, and then the next writing, I said I got myself ready for the park since the day she was taken from me. I've always felt the need to impress her The need for her to see that I'm not the mess that they've portrayed me to be. So even though the rest of my week is spent in 2 to three day old sweats, hairs, slicked back, not a drop of makeup, on the days that I see her, I get fully dressed.

As I left the house, I grabbed buddy her dog hoping that he would help to lighten the mood. . I knew today was gonna be awkward after Monday's call.

Buddy and I in the car, we scooted on down the road to go pick up the lunch. I ordered for us and headed to Rolling Wood Park to meet the supervisor and my daughter, buddy and I were about 15 minutes into our drive when the call came in.

Hi Shelby. I'm so sorry to tell you so last minute, but I just received the text. The other parent says that they just informed Scarlettt about today's visit and she got very upset. I don't know why they waited until now. , But that's all I have from them. I can forward you the text in a few if you like.

Yes, please do. I'm not surprised this is happening. Rhonda, , this is not Scarlettt, though. This is their influence. I hope they're going to be charged for this last minute change. Well, I'm not gonna charge you. Duh. I thought, I haven't really processed this.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about all this. That was, that was the supervisor

I put, ugh, just as the reunification therapist, the teachers, the lawyers, and everyone else seems to do, they all have fallen under their spell. It's absolutely crazy how intimidated people are of them. Bow down to child abusers. Why don't you unbelievable.

So I got off the phone and turned the car around. I spent the afternoon doing the homework my coach assigned to me. The first exercise

was to put down in writing the events leading up to the separation of me from my daughter. I.

Up until that point, I'd been reluctant to do it, justifying by telling myself, for God's sakes, I'm writing a damn book about it. Can't that qualify? But when I read further, the exercise had more depth, so fear swallowed there. I went pen to paper for two hours. I was drained.

I'd written every shame filled thought and every guilt filled action associated with the beginning of this whole disaster thing is if you're like me, there wasn't just one occurrence that led up to the forced estrangement, but instead a string of events scattered over about 11 years.

each one of those events provoked the same full body stress response, a response that hits your soul, not just the kind of response you feel when you lose a job or you get into an accident, not when your brother passes away suddenly, or when you found that your significant other has been cheating.

It's something entirely different. It's like your inner force field has been stabbed and you're feeling the vibration of the damage physically. Your ears start a light ringing.

Your legs become weak. Gut is doing flips and your heart actually aches. A sense of dire emergency fills your whole being. I imagine it's comparable to how the shock would feel , like after being hit by a car. Revisiting my past is something I've been brave enough to do piecemeal. Up until now, but not all at once, and never to the extent that I did in this writing, not even in my years of therapy.

I lived through it though, and although I'm exhausted, I'm glad I did it. I kept reminding myself during it that the events have already happened. I cannot change or hide from them, and whether I like it or not, they're in my DNA now.

I may as well acknowledge they've happened and make peace with them so I can move forward.

So here, obviously I took the time that I was supposed to be spending with my daughter. I thought I'd be spending with my daughter, and I channeled it into addressing the shame, of course, that I had been avoiding trying to avoid any way evade for, you know, 11 years. Um, and that was one of the first big, huge, huge healing steps, um, in my whole path to sitting right here in this chair talking with you guys.

You know, 138 episodes into a podcast helping other alienated parents was having the courage and following through on facing the events that led up to Scarlett moving to her dad's house full-time. anytime that I looked at those, any of the events that happened before, and like I said, it's, it's not just one event that happened that led up to the, this force estrangement, as I put it back then, or this alienation, It's like this chain of so many little events that led up to the final straw, if you will, the final action of her being.

Moved over to dad's house. So many little things. That's what I think confuses so many of us as alienated parents, is that there's so much context, there's so much history, and so what happens after trauma, it rewires the way that your brain works.

And so it. Prioritizes your brain will prioritize the emergency stuff over utilizing your executive functions or like your reasoning, when, something happens in your day, there's a part of your, your brain that sort of mail sorts and decides which department is gonna be in charge of handling whatever situation is in front of us.

but if you have been living in a prolonged state of emergency in like this. Day in, day out, trauma, unhealed trauma, then that part of the brain will start rerouting all of the experiences that happen to the fear centers of your brain, to your amygdala as opposed to allowing the reasoning and, your executive functions to take over It actually rewires, reroutes everything to go to the back of the bus. Or to your lower brain. , And then we're in a constant state of arousal because that's how the brain has begun, learned how to operate. So ends up making things very confusing for you. You, and it's really difficult to take your power back if you, all of the information is being sorted, coming into your brain and get getting sent straight back to 9 1 1 zone, right? You're thinking everything is a calamity. Either that or everything seems overwhelming and confusing.

That's because your brain has been rewired to see it that way. So it's a matter of you learning how to , ask the right questions. Um, maybe not the right questions, but questions that will, uh, awaken your executive functions so that you can get back, get yourself back on track and create a new pathway for your brain to neuro pathway for your brain To start routing things, to like information too. So it's not always the overwhelming, confusing, so much is happening. There's so much history. I don't know how to make the right choice because look at everything that they've done because that's what we've done in the past.

This is what confuses all of us, I think, is that we think that we need to take into context and consider , every little detail that has happened up until now. I cannot tell you how many clients I they'll say to me like, you need to understand something.

That's almost always how it's worded. Some version of that I think you need to understand something what has happened up until now, and then they'll go and explain a bunch of stuff that has happened that really has nothing to do with the decision that they need to make today. but in their minds, it all makes, and I get it because I was there too.

It makes complete sense because they need to consider everything that's happened in the past and all the things that, that the alienating parent and your child has done in order to make the right, most educated decision in today and moving forward for whatever it is that you have going on. But you don't, you really actually don't.

That other information most of the time is just. Going to cloud your judgment, So, that keeps leading me to a way for you to simplify your decision making from here and moving forward. But let me go, I think I've got another entry to read and then.

We'll do that. . So this one is, I was feeling very guilty. This is actually back more recent. This is back, in 2021. This is before I left Texas. I was packing the house up to come down to Florida, and so. Packing up the house today and found an old journal book from Hollister, the house that me and my daughter's father lived in.

Inside was not much, but some budgeting Eric and I did together. gift list from Scarlettt's birth birthday party. Brought back a lot of memories, putting away Scarlettt's, Nintendo, reminded me of a simpler life with many little glimpses of joy, a time when there was more normalcy. Even when there wasn't much of it, but I had my baby with me.

A lot of deep, deep sadness and grief lately, gut wrenching, slow, clean pain. 30 minutes later, just found pages on congenital melan, acidic nevi, which is Scarlettt's birthmark that she had on our knee, which was the whole.

Catalyst, I guess, like me stopping that surgery. What was the catalyst for this whole last, , string of events that led to her not living with me anymore? Like they, , scheduled the secret surgery and I stopped the surgery and then that's what had him get mad at me and then start the lawsuit, the last lawsuit.

Okay. So I found the pages of the her, this hairy knee via is what it's called, that the doctor gave me, showing the chances of melanoma being less than 1% . And then I wrote again another kick in the teeth. Um, because the whole reason they were saying that they were gonna have this. Birthmark removed on her knee was because of the risk of cancer, but there was literally less than 1% risk of cancer.

And I had brought her to three different specialists along with the regular pediatricians to, um, that all said that it is not a necessary surgery, and especially not at her age at six and seven and even eight years old. Right. It just was not necessary. It didn't need to happen. And then because they wanted it done . They went and found doctors that would sign off on it and put it through to insurance saying that it was necessary, taking safe precautions or whatever you have it. Okay. So also I found my St. David's discharge papers for a broken sternum. Uh, I forgot about that one.

I was in and out of the hospital so many times for those few years, broken arm, some papers about a broken tooth reinjured foot, that one summer, one thing after another. What a sad, sad time. I really wasn't taking care of myself. My self-esteem was so terribly broken.

Each time I see this iPad mini case, my heart sinks. I put pictures of the stuff that I found in the drawers. I think of when Brian told me to take the iPad Air and give Maddie the mini, I bought the Mini for Scarlettt as a special gift. I did it for him and gave, his daughter the mini. when I told Scarlettt she burst in tears, the same kind of tears she did when I told her that we were engaged.

It's like she knew that by choosing him I was denying us, God, that hurts so bad, so, so bad. when I look at the facts, I'm painfully aware that she'd still be here. Had I just left Brian early on, that is a jagged pill to swallow, and part of me knew it on the inside. I mean, I never knew what would come to her leaving, but I knew I was denying her just then. I thought I was supposed to do it for God because back then I was in this phase where like if I could just be a good Christian woman, then all of this would go away.

And to be a good Christian woman, I needed to live in the way that the Bible thought a wife should live. And so I needed to submit, this was really my thinking back then. I needed to submit to my husband. And my husband at the time was this abusive man who used religion in the Bible to get what he wanted, right?

Um, and so anyway, my stomach is so tight. So broken up, solar plexus is whirling. I blame myself for that. I shame myself for not leaving, for staying and ignoring such grossly overt abuse. Then I thought I had no other way. If only I had the courage, things would be so very different.

I'd never have had to sell Malva my, the other house. Scarlettt and I would be together. I wouldn't have gone to such a dark, dark place. I. Brian was the death of us.

Remember I was telling you last week that there is somewhere some writings about me blaming it all for on him. Not to say that he didn't play a huge part in it, but I really, really, um, felt very victimized during this time. You know, Scarlettt's seventh birthday party I was writing about how on Scarlettt's seventh birthday, , driving to the, this boathouse where we were gonna have her birthday party with her best friend, the same best friend that she spent the night at when we got engaged, on the way to her seventh birthday party. Brian got into a, this huge blowup with this guy, some dude that we didn't know, you know?

. It scared Scarlettt so much that she was like in tears, and I wrote not just a tear, burst into tears. Frightened Brian was on her side of the car and he hit the car or something. I can't remember. And I couldn't see because I was driving. I just remember, like I, we were parked in the, the parking lot, right, of this gas station.

I just remember it was her damn birthday and he couldn't hold himself together. It started her day off. So stressful. I'll never forget that day. And then we, his 15-year-old daughter Maddie went to the party with us. She stole my free people shirt, and I felt like I took care of Maddie that day more than I celebrated with my little mama, like with my daughter.

It's so sad. Looking back in hindsight, I was. At this time just recalling these events, but I still felt so victimized by Brian and Brian's family really, and the whole situation of how I was really feeling so much shame around how I handled things right. And that I felt like under a trance, , under the Brian trance.

Um, and felt really beaten up and, I guess just defeated by all of my past choices, right? My choices to be with this guy, this, the father of my daughter my, angel, right? She was my everything. It seemed like all of my choices were working together to defeat me, and it felt awful. I was coming from trauma a hundred percent from the first decision to go out a date with, with her, my daughter's father, all the way through to the breakup.

Uh, with Brian. You know, I was definitely coming from trauma and I allowed other people to not only influence, but dictate my outcomes. So I lived every day of my life being the victim of circumstances that, in my mind, other people created, it's so hot in here. So

back to what I promised that I would give to you guys, is that in order to find clarity, if you feel like your brain is like. All muddled up with all of this history, all of these events that have taken place and decisions that you made, and also that other people made moves that the Alienator has made and you feel a victim to any one of those, things that have happened in the past, right?

And you're using those things from your past to, kind of explain who you are today and also help you to direct your steps moving forward. Then I just wanna offer the easiest way to find your own inner compass

If you wanna be consistent across all the areas of your life, and you don't want to be easily swayed or feel like that. You know how maybe you feel like there's been some inconsistencies with, or like that you have to have clauses in the way that you go about your life.

Like, yes, we can apply that to this area, but we can't necessarily apply it to this area with alienation because of the way that they act. If you have to have subsets of rules about how you show up for your life based on. What's happened or who you're dealing with, then this is, this will help with that.

 It's super simple, but I, I don't know that I would've thought about doing this back in the day, especially coming from, you know, all the trauma and the confusion and overwhelm that many of you might be feeling, and that I was definitely feeling back then. No matter what decision you're faced with, or like, let's say you're in that place and you feel like, I don't even know what to do next you like, feel, paralyzed.

By overwhelm and fear of what they'll do, how they'll respond to whatever it is. First you wanna write down all of your core values, without considering anybody else, what is important to you today, like not considering your past, anything that's happened historically. Who do you want to be today? What do you value in yourself and in the person that you're stepping into?

The person that you're becoming, What do you, love? What do you not like? What's important to you to stand for? What's a non-negotiable? What do you want in a partner? All of those things, Write those down. What will you accept in your life? From friends, from family, what won't you accept?

What will you do when you don't accept something? How will you behave in your everyday life, basically? Write that all down on a sheet of paper.

 It's basically like your credo or how you're going to move throughout your life from here forward.  this is who you are and this is what you will stand for and how you will show up regardless and given any situation, this could go across all different areas of your life. These are the qualities you, you value. These are the things that you don't allow into your life, and then this is what you will do then when you're done with that, you wanna do the same list for yourself as a parent.

What is it that you value? Who is the parent that you are stepping into becoming? Still you, but I just not worrying about what's happened in the past, the status of you and your child, children.

Today? Like what, how those relationships, um, look from the outside. Not important right now. I mean, you may say that that's important and that's fine, but I just mean like otherwise how it looks to other people. That's not, I don't want you to take that into consideration right now. Right now it's just who do you want to be as a parent?

and write everything down what you'll accept, what you won't accept, um, , from yourself. Then depending on where the relationship is, what y'all status is, whether you have communication or not, doesn't actually matter. How can you fulfill everything on that list today? There are always ways.

Like for me, I, I don't, I don't have any contact with my daughter today, but I still fulfill my list, right? I still wanna model to her, even if she's not. Present here in this house. I conduct myself as if she is. I act like the parent that I am, even when she's not around. Where before, trust me, I used to think, well, when she's not around, it doesn't matter the adult that I'm being.

And I fully disagree with that through and through today in today's world. But anyway, so you fulfill that, figure out how to fulfill your role as parent. You don't have to, by the way, you don't have to take on my view about like that. You always have to be a parent all, you know, 24 7. If that's not how you wanna do it, that's completely fine.

Right. I'm not suggesting that, but that's just, I have just chosen to have my role and who I am, be consistent throughout every area of my life. And that's just, it's just less confusing for me. It's just who I am. No matter what, there's no, um, inconsistencies, But some people do compartmentalize and have different, anyway, you know what I'm saying?

But, so figure out how to fulfill each and every quality attribute, um, value that you've written down. How can you step into that role today? Okay. Doing that will help you to feel purposed. It'll help you to feel worthy as a parent, you're worth, regardless. Your worthiness is,

infinite, That can never be taken away or given more of, but just it'll help you to step into knowing your worthiness, and it'll help you to let go of these stories that are confusing the fuck out of you probably, and causing you to overload and feel overwhelmed. In the moments when you have decisions to make, because if you always refer back to your two lists of the kind of person that you wanna be as a member of productive member of society, and also the kind of parent that you wanna be, sometimes like I just said, mine, just, or it's the same, Then there's never a question because you can say, no matter what

does the action or choice that I'm choosing? That sounds redundant, but you know what I'm saying. Does it align with what I've already written down here about who I wanna be, my core values list? Is this helping me to step into more? The person that I'm becoming, or is it hindering me, holding me back and keeping me at a standstill with becoming that person that I've written down on this paper.

Okay, the you that you know already know that you are. It'll help to take away all the noise so that you're not considering what other people are going to do and how they're gonna behave or react or respond or whatever. After you make whatever decision you make. Then you're only using your own inner compass things that you've already decided on, on purpose beforehand to guide all the areas of your life.

So you're always just referring back to your inner code, right? Conduct code, Then you can let go of all of the stories and narrative that your inner, like 9 1 1 centers are trying to tell you are so important to consider. Like all these little factors and sub stories and whatever from your past in order to do the right thing, which never really ends up working out because there's always like these contingencies and these, um.

Clauses like I was saying, and like I can do it this way as so long as it just gets really confusing, is all I'm saying. So if you wanna simplify your life, then you always just refer back to the two lists that you've written, right? Who you wanna become, what your core values are, and you decide like if you had core values that maybe today you don't value as much anymore, then that's okay From today moving forward, what are they gonna be?

And again, of course you can always, evolve them as you go, but writing them down and living by this is going to be much easier especially if you pre-write it down, as opposed to living each moment and then trying to make decisions on the fly. Just always refer back to, does this align up with my core values or not?

You know, so anyway. Okay. I'm gonna go, hopefully get my AC fixed. Y'all have a lovely week. I'll see you next week.