Rediscovering and Integrating Your Authentic Self Post-Alienation

In episode 147 of The Beyond The High Road Podcast, hosted by Shelby Milford, the topic of self-abandonment among alienated parents is explored in depth. Explore & understand how alienated parents often separate from their past selves as a defense mechanism, leading to feelings of disconnect and existential crisis. Shelby proposes reintegrating cherished qualities and hobbies from the past to cope with and overcome the challenges of alienation. She emphasizes the need for balance, self-compassion, and small wins, offering practical advice and personal anecdotes to help listeners reconnect with their authentic selves and enhance their overall well-being.

Talking Points:

• Do you feel like your ability to feel joy was stolen the day your children were?
• Severance between who you are and who you were before alienation happened
• Why many alienated parents self-abandon
• Negative effects of severing past self from today
• Why doing so might be keeping you miserable
• How this mindset can keep a wall between you and your children
• How to reconnect with the best parts of you and still honor your children

 

 

00:00 Introduction and Episode Setup

00:11 Personal Health Update and Episode Motivation

01:40 Listener Feedback and Encouragement

04:17 Understanding Self-Abandonment

06:59 Rediscovering Your Authentic Self

11:13 Challenges of Severing Your Past Self

17:39 Reconnecting with Your True Self

25:26 Self-Sabotage and Loss of Traits

26:11 Impact of Alienation on Emotions

27:46 Disconnecting from the Old Self

35:42 Reintegrating the Old and New Self

38:30 Practical Steps for Reconnection

47:46 Celebrating Small Wins and Consistency

49:33 Final Thoughts on Reincorporating Good Qualities

 

#ParentalAlienationRecovery #PodcastForAlienatedParents #selfabandonment

Episode transcript

 You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 147. Stay tuned. Hey guys, I may be doing this episode in two sittings because. Out of nowhere. Well, it's never out of nowhere. But today, just a little bit ago, all of a sudden I've got a flare up in the body again and my groin area, hips, maybe TMI, whatever.

I don't care because are screaming both of them, both sides. Um. Oddly enough, it's like the non-dominant side or, or the side that normally doesn't have excruciating pain is actually decided to take a lead role today. So, um, anyway, we'll see. I'm gonna try to get through this because this is an episode I felt really strongly about doing for sometime now.

. So today I wanna talk with you guys about self abandonment.

And noticing where you have been sort of ignoring your own needs, like that's what leads up to it. But really, I want to talk with you guys about finding yourself, rediscovering yourself.

 Oh, before I even. go into it. Um, let me, I just wanted to say, that we got a new, it's not necessarily a review. Review, meaning like Apple Podcasts. That platform is the only place where we can actually leave like a, a full review that goes into a rating, , for the show.

aside from that, which I want to encourage listeners, y'all, even if you don't listen on Apple, but you listen somewhere, if you would, and you. Or enjoying the show or getting something out of it. If you could go to, uh, apple Podcast and write a review, I would really appreciate that, um, so much. And it can help other parents to discover the show like you have, to help them to feel a little bit less alone and more supported in a situation. And predicament, longstanding predicament where support feels sparse, right? So, um, you would be helping. Not only to show out, but really possibly most likely other parents who are wanting to heal their lives after this disaster of a situation of alienation.

So that would be super, super, um, I would appreciate that, uh, a ton. the reason why I brought that up is because I got a comment. You guys know that on Spotify now, or actually you've always been able to, on each of the episodes, you're able to. Comment on what, you know, whatever you liked, didn't like, or whatever it is that you wanna say.

Requests. If you guys, um, have requests for upcoming episode topics, you can put it right there in each one of the episodes, , but I got a lovely comment from a listener, a mom, and I wanted to read that to you. And I should probably start reading these more often.

For you guys too, because, because you guys, I wanna recognize you for taking your time out to, to write such thoughtful things like my friend Jamie here who wrote, , your content has been life changing for me, so spot on and practical and empathetic. There aren't words to express how thankful I am for your podcast.

Thank you, Jamie. I really appreciate that. That's so sweet. And I really appreciate you taking the time and the effort to write this. And just know that for you guys out there now, I don't know if I just said this or not, but now I can respond to you, comment on Spotify just to keep the conversation going, and add to the support.

That the weekly episodes provide or aim to provide okay.  All right, now, so thank you Jamie. Um, I'm gonna start reading those out periodically as well, um, onto the episode.  The reason this has come up is because not only do I hear some version of this issue. From , all the alienated parents that I speak to, many of them anyway.

Um,

but also I noticed this come up for me in my own unconscious, subconscious sort of thinking

the other day. ,

Basically, what it boils down to is.

How we as alienated parents begin to separate ourselves and who we are, , classifying like pre alienation and post alienation

and the,

there's like a fragmentation or a distancing from the old versions of ourselves, . Once the calamity happens, there's like that one defining moment that most of us have.

I mean, some of us, it's like an ongoing buildup, right? But many of us have like the the day

that the shit hit the fan or the time period when the shit hit the fan. And we think back about that sort of how many of us alienated or not think about pre COVID and post COVID. Like for me, I think of. Pre COVID, anything that happened before 20 20, 20 19.

And before I used to mostly think about it like when I would go pick a Netflix show or movie, if it was pre 2020. To me, it became irrelevant. Like the world hasn't been the same ever since 2020. So everything that was made before 2020 is irrelevant or like, it's not worth watching in my mind.

That's just a, a very simple example, but we often do that with our lives. Pre alienation, post alienation. Oh, that's not relevant anymore because that one life altering moment or. Series of events that have happened have now changed us into you, me, whoever, into an entirely different person, meaning, we have now, , severed ourself from the, the old version of us, and it's black and white thinking.

Though I know it is a coping mechanism. It's a defense mechanism so that we can separate ourselves from the pain. There's a few reasons why we do it. But that's basically where it starts is anything that happened before can't be applied now because we're we're playing by different rules since the alienation began.

And that makes sense. I get it. However, if you are experiencing, a sense of disconnect right from yourself and from the world around you, if you are experiencing,

Like an existential crisis if you feel like you're just at a low operating a low hum.

There doesn't seem to be any meaning in your life. This could be part of your problem is that you have abandoned who you were pre alienation. We talk about, like on this show, I am consistently talking with you about who you're becoming, Who you're growing into.

Alienation happened now in order to interrupt the cycle of abuse Of your own cycles, you must divorce who you were before. Now bring on the you new, you the thought out, mindful, conscious version of you moving forward.

But that doesn't mean that you need to abandon the parts of you that you really loved from back when. , And I think we sometimes forget that because like I said, when the shit hits the fan, it's easy for us to just drop everything and go and run and get as far away from that whole world and that version of you as you can,

I mean, it's not easier that way, but it feels easier that way. To just run from it, detach in your mind, from yourself, and try to move forward. It can be in a, like a lesser degree where you're sort of feeling lost, in your everyday life and things don't seem to matter to you anymore, and you're not really sure why, the, the severance or the distancing yourself could become a limiting belief or kind of like a, a limiting belief system. Actually lots of little beliefs making it harder for you to access your quote unquote, former strengths, joys aspirations. Uh,

motivation, you know, just your oomph for life,

 So this morning while I was coming up with the actual title for this episode, um, I put it through this AI score thing, headline score, it like tells me, if it's a good for SEO and what have you, ,. and. While doing that, anytime I put a certain kind of title in, it'll

show me a list of similar pieces of content based on the, the title that I've

input. Right? And oftentimes it'll bring up the same blog posts reddit posts or what have you, and today it was this one post that I see. All the time. And finally, after seeing it so many times, I got intrigued and

I clicked on it . this post had nothing really to do with our topic today, but it, it just brings up the most familiar things on alienation, right?

And the title to this was the best way to combat alienation is to dot, dot wait, question mark. And there was a lot of comments on this post that was clearly a popular one.

People, um, had a lot to say about it and I decided,

I was just looking through the comments and I saw a comment that's

just so happened to be very fitting from this episode. And it also just so happened to be made by a person that I know through this podcast, i've met her on uh, least two occasions, like face-to-face via Zoom. Also then we've kept up. messaging for the last, I don't know, a couple years, so I know who this is and you know who you are e out there. Um, but she had written that, I'm paraphrasing here, just the gist. She said, you know, ever since alienation has happened, she was talking about how she copes with alienation, you know, and how, how she fills her days with. Things to do right and tasks for her brain

to keep her brain busy. And she said otherwise, I'm just operating on a pretty much depression that her body is geared to go towards depression and that her joy is gone. Right? Like that she can't get it back. I, again, just paraphrasing here.

Um. Then she also wrote that anytime the words hope or love come into the picture and into the conversation, her automatic response is to shut down and move away from it.

 It is so fitting for what I'm talking about here today is that many of us unconsciously or are telling ourselves. That our joy was taken the day that alienation began of that day, that one time period when the whole world changed.

Right When the shit went down, hit the fan for you. Right. I know that I did this too, and I still do it. That's why this whole topic came up is because I noticed myself, by the way, self image. I didn't realize that I had been dis-including, there's a better word for that. There had been basically cutting out.

A part of me that I really, really, really enjoyed about me back in the day. But in my mind it was part of the fun part of me where I was always the life of the party. You know, I was the girl, you probably heard me, if you've heard any of the episodes you've heard me talk about. I was the girl that danced on bars.

. I was a lot of fun. And so, because that ended up not working out for me when it came to my situation of alienation and that got used against me. I ended up separating myself from all of me, and that part included, because that's the part that quote unquote got me into trouble.

So I moved away from that girl who still is there in me, and there's nothing wrong with the fun in me. I don't necessarily need to go so black or white and cut it out of me completely because I realized, um, even just last week that cutting that part out of me completely denying who I am and was 

I love. The fun side of me, right?  Denying that in me is causing me to stay stuck socially in some areas. And I can explain that here in a minute, but I know that so many of you are probably going through the same thing. And that's why this episode came up is because, um, because I, me, like the girl that commented on this, , Reddit post.

Is telling herself that I was telling myself that joy, the opportunities for joy were stolen the day that the shit went down, right? That now that my kid is not with me. I didn't say it like this. It was just a vague idea in my head that the fun part of me had to go because that's what got me in trouble in the first place.

So I've kind of bullied myself away from her, right? And I know I talk with you guys all the time about who you're becoming and what you're growing into and stopping the cycle and what have you. So at some point, it's almost like the idea in my head too was like,  I need to put the toys down and step into the adult version of me, and there's no more fun like that anymore.

That was for the those days, you're mature now and you can't be like that anymore,  I wasn't saying it like bullying, but it's really kind of a shitty existence to feel that you have to tamp down or like dull who you are because that's what got you in trouble. I, think that there's a more inclusive, way to approach your life, you know?

But I know too that I, I did it just like many of you, the reason I pretty much abandoned all of me who I was. Is because, it was a way for me to avoid the pain, if I reconnected , the way that I was thinking then. If I reconnected with the things that I loved to do back then, or the person I was back then, then that would bring on all these memories, this rush of memories, and then that would cause me pain and the now, because it's not gonna be the same as it was back then.

Then I'll go into a whole story about how none of this should have happened and the life should be different than it is, and I should be doing these things with my kid and blah, blah, blah. Right?  But that's the extra suffering that you're adding on top. It's not caused by you continuing to, display character traits that you've always had.

Do you know what I'm saying? That's coming from a separate part in your brain that's telling you that it shouldn't be this way.  Right? Which is actually, once you learn how to, .

Approach and lovingly correct notice approach. Correct that dialogue, then there is no problem, and then you don't feel like you are a lesser version of the person that you were once were, or less whole person than you maybe once were. That, that you're not missing out on all, all of the good qualities.

I think abandoning the past version of yourself, especially the qualities that you really love about yourself or miss about yourself, or feel the most authentic in, if you've been denying that. To you, the opportunity to be that person, then you might feel very lost today.

You might feel directionless and like you're having an existential crisis. You know, you may not label it that way, but like, what's the point, Ethan? Where do I even go from here? I don't know who I am anymore. That thought can actually come from a stem from a lot of different, not a lot, but a few different things.

But right now in the context of abandoning who you were in order to cope with your today and moving forward,

it can cause you to stay in a spin cycle, Because of course, you don't know who to be or how to be or where to go from here because you've already been telling yourself that you can't bring that version of you with you. That all of it's gotta go. That could only happen that  maybe not dancing on bar tops, but the fun, like for me, the fun Shelby died whenever the shit hit the fan.

And , that version can never come out and play again, which imagine telling that to your 4-year-old child. Like if you were to say, Nope, you, that version of you gets you in trouble and you need to put that away and no more. You cannot be fun or enjoy anything anymore because when you have fun, your whole life blows up.

So just no, a 4-year-old child would be devastated. Right? And of course they wouldn't know what to do. They'd feel frozen like, well then what do I do now? Same thing with you.  So you've gotta give yourself, or it would be wise anyway would. Upgrade your experience if you would give yourself some compassion and.

Possibly become open to reintegrating the your past loves your past, hobbies, the past self in any way, qualities that you once displayed. It might be really helpful to start rediscovering those for yourself.

So if you find yourself saying, the fun version of me, the confident version of me is gone. Something like that, right? If you tell yourself that you have no energy left for pursuing your dreams or for any extras in your life that you, right now, you're really just concentrating on surviving. Or maybe you're telling yourself that you feel invisible, that nobody's hearing you, that you don't know who you are, that you're feel directionless, you are numb.

You feel mentally lethargic, That you can't seem to come up with any new ideas or, reconnect with anything that makes you feel something good or bad or anything really. A lot of times we sort of go into like an auto, like a demo mode where we're just after trauma, where we're just. Put putting along, just trying to survive.

Let's just get through the day, this reminds me of a, consult that I had actually this morning. We were talking about Groundhog Day. Then you're just producing the same thing over and over and over and over again. In fact, what he and I spoke about this other dad and I spoke about earlier this morning was,

in order to survive in today, he has to fill his days with tasks, with things with people and appointments and present things happening all the time because if he doesn't stay so, so present in the now, then his brain will automatically go into fear of the future or, fear based on past.

Experiences right past calamity. So instead he has to keep every hour of his day,  occupied,  basically he's living in survival mode.

Coming from that space,. Your body won't give you the opportunity to, to become creative, innovative, you're not in a place of inclusive love, connection. When we're in survival mode and survival mode, we're just putting one foot in front of the other. We just gotta do this.

We gotta do that. We gotta meet this Expectation. We gotta pay this bill. Just do, do, do, do, do. Which is exhausting. It's exhausting. And it'll lead you to, like, I was just sort of touching on, it'll lead you to having an existential crisis. What's this all for? What's the whole purpose of this?

Why am I even here for what? And are my kids ever gonna contact me anyway? It leads to burnout,  so I think it's really important to get yourself back connected with, with you, you know, the parts of you that, you know,  they're always still there, by the way.

You guys, those parts of you aren't gone forever. You haven't lost them in the alienation or in the, the chaos. Those parts of you maybe dormant right now. They may seem far away from you, like inaccessible, but they're there. You just have to open yourself up to it, you know?

 Okay, so right now I'm going to talk quickly about, just give you a list of the, some of the obvious pitfalls, downfalls that I see. Other alienated parents going through and also myself, like the repercussions that I have experienced as a result of the severance between the old version of me, pre alienation and post alienation.

Um, and then after that, I'm gonna help you, give you some tools to reconnect with the parts of you that you really, truly cherished and missed. so first off, the most obvious downfall to the severance I think is that when we abandon our old self, if you're doing it unconsciously as a coping mechanism, as a defense mechanism, to move you away from that reality of darkness.

We often will think that we're cutting out the bad and the good of us, right? That we're just gonna move into like fresh start. From here forward. We're just, it's like a separate life, right? So you already feel the disconnect from who you were your whole life to now, which causes you to feel more alienated.

Not only from your children, but from who you are, your whole existence in this world. And it can feel like you have, you don't know your place because of course you don't. 'cause you've literally tried , to cut ties with your soul, you know. But also what I notice, I mean, I just was noticing this yesterday on that, on the consult call with, uh, a, a potential client is that.

We cut out all of the good qualities from us. The ones that we're missing so much , but don't even really fully acknowledge that, right? It's not consciously that we're doing it, but we somehow still managed to carry with us and bully ourselves about the negative qualities that we once had that were now.

Magnifying by separating ourselves from ourselves. Does that make sense? The idea is that you're gonna start fresh and start new. However, when you do that, because you're taking all the good away, our brains are so geared to go towards negative anyway after trauma, and then just being a human being in general, that we then hyper focus on all of the negative qualities and bring those with us, and then we lose out on everything that we love.

So we like double, triple, punish ourselves, which I think is huge, you know, and it can obviously, really affect your experience moving forward. , That's the one, one of the big ones that I see. It's just like this, um. You know, we're cutting off rosis by our face, but it's whatever we fear, you know, or whatever we're trying to run away from shows up more and more. It's sort of that same concept. So along that same, the same lines though

we suppress all of our positive qualities, like when we view our former selves as like entirely dead. Just how, this one mom commenting on that Reddit post, how she said that she can't experience joy is gone for her. Ever she.

Automatically by default steers herself away and shuts down the moment that love or hope are brought up in a conversation. Her body shuns that and you guys know my feelings on hope but we all do need the idea of hope in general for a bright future.

Well, I just don't like the idea of using hope as a, an excuse to sit in, a spin cycle, right? To sit in the quote unquote comfort or familiarity of misery waiting for something to change outside of us in order for us to feel good relying on, on something for the future. Do you know what I'm saying?

That's what I don't like about hope, but we all do need the idea of hope in general for. You know, the greater good for, you know, world peace and whatever, you know, the idea of hope isn't awful so long as we're not misusing it so long as we're not using it to rest on our laurels, you know?

 

And the same thing obviously. I mean. With love, and I know the mom who that commented on the Reddit post is not the only one. She's not alone in this. So many of us have done this. We punish our own selves and tell ourselves we, we don't wanna experience love or hope or joy.

Anymore because that was ruined when our kids were taken from us. Which actually is the punishment that the alienating parent or whoever's alienating your kids from you actually wants to instill in you or upon you. You know what I'm saying? That's their point. So why are we trying to put the last nail in the coffin.

It makes no sense. It is self-sabotaging,

we do that with all of the traits, right? We lose access to our playfulness, our optimism, our social skills like curiosity. That once helped us tremendously in the middle of adversity. We need those traits, the optimism, the playfulness, the curiosity, social skills, innovation, all of that to bring us through the adversity,

letting go of who we once work and strip away. Our coping resources, like our internal coping resources, making it much harder to face new challenges or recover from setbacks. So if you notice too, that you seem to be way less resilient ever since the alienation happened.

It could be because you have shut all of you down, And

basically have been denying yourself the right to experience, the spectrum of emotions, but also experience joy and happiness and playfulness in your life. Again, it, this is, these are essential emotions and experiences for all of us, for really all animals on the earth, you know? also by deserting your old self, you increase numbness and apathy.

Attempting to bury all of your past emotions, sometimes results in feeling dull emotionally. It can act as a barrier to forming any sort of deep connections or experiencing new joy. going on a to a deeper level with anybody that you're in relationship with, friendship or romantic relationship, whatever kind of relationship you, like I was talking about recently in one of the episodes I was, I referenced the same thing when we get to.

Alienation happens, we sort of turn apathetic, dull, gray, sort of. Then we don't afford other people in our lives the luxury, if you will, of experiencing their pain because don't even know, pain, That's the idea.

Also abandoning the, both the good and the bad parts of you can leave you feeling empty inside, which we've already just talked about. disconnected, unsure of what makes you unique, what makes you tick, Unsure of what your purpose is, what your purposes are. I remember, um, way back maybe in the early teens of the episodes.

Um, I remember telling you guys, we were talking, maybe it was the, your Identity episode or it was one of those early episodes, and I remember saying to you guys, you know who you are. You know exactly who you are. It's just that you've been, it's all been covered up in trauma and, dysfunction and confusion and you focusing on the outside as opposed to coming back here.

And yeah, I do believe that, but I also wanna correct myself

and just say it out loud to you, and I think I have said this once before, there are times when you don't feel like you know yourself and you feel so far from you because one of two reasons. One, because in your childhood you had a parent or whoever looked after you influenced you the most, that did not allow you or did not value your opinion, um, or undermined your, uh.

Your capabilities, your opinion, all of that sort of stuff. So you learned to shut down the part of you that needed anything or was going to express your individuality, right? So there's that. But then there's also this, what I'm talking about here, where you may not feel like you know yourself, or know what you want in life because you've. Without even realizing it, you've separated yourself, abandoned old self because in your mind, old self, it equates to pain, right? Old self equates to missing your child. in your mind, maybe you wanted to reserve that version of you for your child when they return like let's say. I don't know why this example's coming up, but let's say that you used to love roller skating.

I, I have no idea why it's coming up. And you like maybe all your life before even you had your child and so you, you went to the roller rink once or twice a week for your entire life, and then you had your kid and they experienced that with you, and then all these memories , or in your head about you and your kid roller skating together.

It was special. Like was a. A ritual that you guys had, and then once the alienation happened and the relationship was interrupted. Maybe now you will not go back roller skating because in your mind doing that would be, a betrayal to your kiddo. Or it would, by going back and making new memories at the roller rink, even though you did it before your kid, in your mind, that would, um, lessen or dull the memories that you have in your mind of you and your kid.

So you don't want. Do your kid dirty like that? Are those memories dirty? You wanna keep you, you fear that you'll lose the memories. So instead you just don't go and so you shut that part of you down, right? Like, no, I don't roller skate anymore because if I, if I do go back there, then I lose my kid. So it's like this black or white thinking like.

It is have or have not sort of thing, right? You're trading in one for the other, but it doesn't have to be like that. It really doesn't. In fact, you could like decide that you wanna honor your kid each time that you go back. Roller skating now,

maybe you make that your special time to connect with your kiddo even though they're not there with you. You know, you make that your devotional like intentional time to, be thinking about them maybe send 'em a text or whatever it is that you wanna do. Like, it doesn't have to be one or the other, but we are so feast or famine.

Coming from the trauma that we have, that oftentimes what we do is we just, it's easier just to shut it all down. It's not easier, but that's how it feels in the moment is let's just shut it all down. Everything goes dormant until our kids come back. But as you know ,

it'll perpetuate the, life is meaningless sort of idea, you know, because you're in a holding pattern. So, um, and that's not what any human is supposed to experience staying in that stagnation and in the gray holding pattern. You may as well freeze yourself, right?

Wake up 30 years from now, which wouldn't work out for you, I promise. So don't, let's get any ideas. But back to what I was saying, it can cause you to feel uncertain about who you are and what you want by shutting. That old version of you down, right? It can also cause you the same lines, difficulty in forming, new goals, new future for yourself, here's where I think it can really affect you. Is it gonna impact your relationship with your kid in reduce your emotional availability basically.

Because your kids , even from afar, they look to you for emotional grounding, right? And if you cut off your own awareness about the complexity of you, then you may be less able and available To model to them, empathy, resilience, and all the things. Because you're denying part of yourself, you're shutting that off. So now they see that too. Like there are rules and limitations to everything that happens. If this happens, then we shut this down, then we don't do this. There's like hallways that seem to be getting like more narrow and more narrow as you travel through 'em, and that translates to the kids seeing their life.

In a very limited way, of course there's missed opportunities for growth between not only for you, yourself, right, because you're limiting yourself , you've got horse blinders on basically. , You know, like horses in their, the races, they have those blinders that keep them from looking left or right.

They can only look straight. And if you are telling yourself that you can't roller skate or you can't. Uh, my deal is I can't date, you know, I, that came from. Where I was before and the relationships that I was in, I told myself on purpose, like, I am not going to date anybody because that would take me off of my goal.

And that was great for a good period of time. But I've noticed now it's been almost a decade y'all, that I have kept up with that. And like I said, I wouldn't take it away. I am glad that I did what I did, so glad now it's become a comfort zone for me, right? Where it's so familiar that I haven't gotten back out and now that's where I have to, I just noticed this the other day with me that I had cut that part out of me and like the fun side of me, I had.

Um, like I said, was saying earlier, you know, I was like, no, , that's unacceptable anymore. I realized that no, I need that stuff. That's actually what we need to survive, you know? So anyway,

abandonment of your whole self, like good, bad before now. All of that can also make reconciliation feel completely out of reach because once you've departed from the version of you that was with your kids. And now you're this different person who is not allowed to go back. You've shut the door on who you were so that you can avoid the pain.

It's going to feel that much more out of reach to reconnect with your kid because the only one that connects with your kid is the past version of you that you've already shut down. so you'll have a harder time grasping or picturing the idea of you two getting back or whoever, however many kids you have, getting back together.

You can't make that a reality for you in your brain because there's this disconnect between the parent you and the you today.

 

 

Healing requires that you. Integrate and reclaim all of you. Now, like I said, I am and was big on.

For me back in the day, I became willing to let all of it go, and really did start from scratch and decided what I wanted to believe. All new, and then once I became. Uh, adept or like if that became the default way. That's all of the new things that I intentionally created for myself, beliefs, ideas, whatever.

Then now, over the last year, and now even again, I'm in a new phase of it. I'm reintegrating the qualities that I miss or really truly love about myself back in. So it's like a stages for me anyway, that's how I've done it. I mean, you can do it any way you want, but I really, for me it's like, you know, I, I'm thinking right now, like when you bootcamp, if I, I don't, I've never been, but I imagine that it's like they go, you go in and they pretty much break you down to bring you back up again.

Right. Or any cult, sorry. I know that may not be so funny for you right now. I just realized. But that's what they do, is they break you, they tear you down to, to the point where you're, just the foundation. barely there and from there, you are built up again in the way that they want you, right?

Like the military, whatever. It's sort of the same thing. I, I think the way that I did it for me, I didn't necessarily make that connection until probably now, maybe at some other time. But, um, it's the same idea now. I feel like in phases I am really reintegrating. And reconnecting reattaching my, the best of my old self with the best of my new self, if you will, evolve self.

And that's what I'm proposing that you guys do. You know, it is just a fully integrated and inclusive way to see your life, see yourself, your relationships, and all of the things. Like I said, this habit of self abandoning, disconnecting from the old self is usually an unconscious one. And that's the way that I think, when you're doing it as a coping mechanism unconsciously, that's when you're gonna experience the suffering and the disconnect in the repercussions from it, you know?

.

I think doing it the way that we've just discussed, I think it lays the foundation for stronger, stronger relationships and your greater wellbeing, and also satisfaction, ability to cultivate and create even more and bigger and Like multifaceted and all the goodness, ooey, good goodness of like living as opposed to existing,

so the question I wanna pose to you guys now is like, if you can, if you're not driving, close your eyes and picture back, when was it? That you felt most like yourself, what period of time can you look back on now and smile or feel the most empowered, effortless you?

When was it really working for you and what qualities were you Emulating or displaying what feels really good for you? I'm gonna say that most of the time for us as alienated parents going through what we have most of the time, the, qualities kind of like I touched on a little bit earlier, the qualities that we seem to let go of are not the bad qualities, but it's usually all the good ones with all of the good experiences like experiencing joy and creating.

Calm and peace and happiness and playfulness and inquisitiveness. Whimsical or whatever. It's usually those that we miss out on. So we like punish ourselves for this experience we've been through and we're already getting punished by the alienating parent, you know, and maybe our kids too. So it's really a miserable existence and it, it kind of explains, when you put it in this context, it kind of explains exactly why we as alienated parents lead such.

Miserable lives when we're not tending to them. You know what I'm saying? So thinking back about when you felt most like the true, authentic, beautiful, perfect, you, when you felt the best, the most flowy or on point that, you know, go back to that time for yourself. Notice what those qualities were, what they felt like in you, like physically, not just what was happening on the outside, but really drop into you.

For me, like I can remember before like. Alienation was going on. But there was this one period of time when I felt untouchable, even in it was the early stages. My daughter was a toddler, you know? Um, and I felt pretty untouchable. This is before I started, the habits started happening and I started going down a spiral, but I felt on top of the world with my kiddo and my mom status, if you will, but also with what I was.

Putting out there into the world. You know, I was working at Lifetime Fitness or whatever, but I just really loved who I was and how I was adding value to my daughter's life and to my life and to the people that I touched on it on a daily basis. And so, and back then I did often feel like. Things came easy for me and they didn't, my whole life that was not the case.

I made my life very difficult from a very early age. But this, this one portion period of my life, maybe a year or so, especially where I was really felt so good. And this is when I was still living unconsciously mind you. But I was on a good track and focused on.

me and my daughter and wholesomeness, you know, I kept things simple for me back then. It was after, I split up with my daughter's father. So, um, it wasn't that life was simple, it was that I was keeping it simple. So that was it for me, And I now am trying to re.

Step into that version of me, and I've been doing that for a while now. But now that extra ad at some point soon will be enriching my social life, because I've kept that to a minimum for many reasons on purpose. But now it's time to open that up, you know? So what is it for you? And if you don't know,

, if you're not sure, then write out a list of the hobbies that you had before. Write out a list of what you were doing back then for like, in the context of you, not how you were received so much, but how you were feeling in your own skin. Write down and set the, the. Tone for you set the stage, and really look into what it was about that time or what it was about you or the qualities that you were living into.

, Which ones did do you really miss which qualities or which mindsets have you been sort of withholding from yourself? If you've made that list of the forgotten hobbies, things that you stopped doing, roller skating, whatever it is, um, pick one to revisit each week. Once you take the the steps to pick one, you go and you do the thing. Maybe that's not it, but you will get more ideas about what else you wanna try.

So set aside some time each week for your play. Okay. Or for whatever it is that you know that you're missing, maybe for you, it's been too much play, and so now it's time for you to maybe get serious or invest in your future or whatever that is. Set aside time. Each week you time to get that accomplished and treat that you time as you would treat a job that you really, um, valued.

Make sure that you schedule that time in and that you keep your word on, using that time for you, you know, and then reflect on the experience afterwards. Jot down how it felt, what emotions came up for you, solidify that or itch that into your memory so that you go back and revisit it.

You're, Bringing value and reinforcing the value that that time with you provides. Create fun little micro moments on the every day, all the time. Dance parties. You know how I love that? Because dance parties too, not only does it shake the stress out and shake you out of a, a extended freeze or whatever might be happening for you, but also brings out the playfulness that we all need.

So laugh on purpose. Another one is just. either watching a funny show, hanging out with a funny friend, or an upbeat person. A other friend, maybe you are the upbeat, funny friend. What makes you laugh? Right? Play with maybe another child is not in the cards for you yet. Maybe it is. I enjoy playing with other kids now where one day or like there was a time when that was a big no-no for me.

so of course you know what's right for you, but if it's not playing with a child, maybe it's playing with a, a puppy. If you don't have one of your own, go to one of the shelters and play with some puppies. Those puppies would so appreciate you for doing that, but just spend some time really enjoying.

and taking in the energy of others too, giving that back and playing off each other. Okay.

Find low pressure ways to engage socially. Okay. Reconnect with, like I was just saying, reconnect with upbeat friends. Join a community group or a class. One of my neighbors is actually taking salsa lessons right now. It's like a salsa. Every Tuesday night she goes and does this salsa night, and I thought she was.

Ridiculous. But she's having so much fun doing it. Right. She's been, it's been like, I don't know, like six months now and she loves going every, she cannot, will not miss it. It's so funny. So something like that, bowling league, whatever, you know, pick a ball.

Another thing is challenge yourself to say yes to any invite or three invites a week, or one invite a week, whatever. Just challenge yourself to start saying yes and being open. To new opportunities because once you do that socially or like for yourself, notice how those doors start opening up for you otherwise too.

The second that you start saying yes, just keep doing it and see what else comes up for you, I promise. Because you're raising your frequency and when you raise your frequency to say yes to the little things, then the opportunities come in to say yes to the big things too. Write yourself a permission slip for lightness and fun.

Be spontaneous. That's the other thing that I've sort of, uh, left behind in all of this was I, I used to be very spontaneous and I. Realized recently that I had let that go when I vacated my old self back then, and I did it intentionally. You guys, I intentionally dropped everything and knew that at some point I would start to reincorporate.

And like I said, right now is, is is the time. So that's what you could do too, you know? practice self-compassion. You guys remember, be nice to yourselves. Okay. Please be nice to yourself because that's half the battle. Like I said, when we leave, choose to like leave that all behind and start some new life, or leave the old life behind is usually what it is.

Many times we take on all of the burden with us and hyper focus on the burden and then beat ourselves up on the regular, right? And then the, the good is all left behind. And I'm, what I'm asking you to do today is reverse that, you know, or incorporate all of it with some balance, you know, so journal your small wins is another thing you guys.

Please celebrate your consistency, your small wins. If you're telling yourself, this is something that I used to do a lot is I will tell, would tell myself that I wasn't diligent I had no discipline that I. Never learned discipline that my parents never taught it to me. Nobody ever led me the right way.

Right? And so that's all I created in my world. I was like, well, I don't have discipline, so I can't do that. It's like a have not world. Instead, look for the small ways that you display discipline. I'm I, I, I am. If you ask anybody in my today world, that idea was from the old me before all of this, right? If you ask any one of my neighbors or anybody that sees me on the reg, they will say, and it's so shocking to me every time I hear it, but they're like, you are so consistent in your practices and everything that you do.

They see me outside doing my workouts and then walking the dogs and whatever. I have become super consistent with that, and I celebrate that. That's because I started with my coach by looking for ways that I was already disciplined. I started small. I make my bed every day. take a shower every day.

I wasn't for a long time, you know? But find your small wins and focus on those because when you focus, whatever you focus on, you will make bigger. You will make that manifest. So Stop telling yourself the have not part of you, and look for whatever quality that you want to see in yourself.

Find ways that you already have that quality or display that quality. Small ways I eat three times a day. That's consistent. That's discipline. Always shift to look for the ways that you do have, not that you don't have, okay.

Alright guys . So there's no need to actually completely divorce yourself or abandon the old you in order to move forward in life in order to. Avoid pain, in fact, abandoning your old self turns around to backfire in your face and it creates more pain for you.

And it creates this huge barrier of disconnect between you and the world around you. And you will block those that you wanna become close to or develop a deeper relationships with. It'll block that from happening because you aren't even able to connect with yourself.

So there's no way that you're able to connect with others. And I know you don't want that, and I don't want that for you. So it doesn't have to be just reorganize the way that you're thinking about everything that happened in pre alienation, post alienation.

Instead of that black and white thinking, reincorporate those good qualities. That you always have had and that are still there, that are just dormant, and they just are waiting, waiting for an invitation from you to come back into your life on the everyday. Okay? All right, y'all have a lovely day.

Talk to you next week.