"You know when something small happens—a missed text, a friend's comment, a photo on social media—and suddenly you're caught in a loop you can't escape? Your body tenses, your mind spins, and you're drowning in familiar suffering. But here's what most alienated parents don't realize: not all pain is the same. Some pain is your grief asking to be witnessed. Other pain? It's an old story demanding justice that will never come. Learn the 7-question self-test that reveals which kind of pain has you trapped—and how to finally break free."

 

MAIN TALKING POINTS

 

1. The Critical Distinction: Old Pain vs. New Pain

2. The 7-Question Self-Test for Emotional Clarity

3. Real-Life Scenarios That Trigger Both Types of Pain

4. The Nervous System Connection

5. The Justice vs. Witness Question

6. Why We Get Stuck in Resentment Loops

7. The Path Forward: Integration, Not Separation

 

KEY TAKEAWAYS

For Immediate Application:

✓ Use the 7-question self-test when you feel activated to diagnose what type of pain you're experiencing

✓ Place your hand on your heart and ask: "Is this demanding justice or asking for witness?" Notice what your body tells you

✓ Practice the breathing technique: Slow inhale through nose, exhale through mouth, imagining old stories leaving with each breath

✓ When spiraling, ask: "Am I looping or am I living?"

For Long-Term Healing:

✓ Resentment feels repetitive and escalating; grief feels wavelike with movement toward meaning

✓ Your nervous system records states of mind, not just events—you can change the state by changing the story

✓ Oscillate between confronting loss and engaging with life—don't let grief consume every moment

✓ You're not required to repeat the same versions of your stories from how others would tell them

✓ Integration is the goal: bringing your emotions into alignment with where you are and where you're headed

The Bottom Line:

You have authority over your mental library. The past doesn't control you—your current thoughts about the past do. And those thoughts? You can change them.

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Episode Transcript

You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 172.

 Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned.

Coaching Update: 6‑Months to a New Life & New Rates

 Hey, y what's happening? We are going to be, I don't think I have any announcements except for the same one that I announced last week, which is my rates go up on the 20th of January, 2026. So if you wanted to get yourself a little late. New Year's present, right?

Kick off your new year and start, , creating a new life for yourself. Like if you're miserable right now or feeling some pain even, and you really feel like every time you've tried and you've gotten some traction, and then  boom, something happens and sets you back, or you  don't know all the how, maybe you want some accountability or you just want a full on.

structure with all of the, everything that you need in order to heal your life so that you're thinking on default in a upleveled way, right? Moving you to the next phase of your life in smack, in the middle of this grief, and  in the middle of active alienation. I mean, it's always kind of active, right? 

But like Either way, you feel like you're ready to just move forward with life and you want to all the tools in one place.  and my support weekly, um, in order to get you there, you wanna see your life entirely different within a six month period.

Come on, come schedule your, consult call with me, your clarity call with me, okay? Um, and I can't wait to meet you.  Okay. Alright, so today it's gonna be a shorter episode. We're gonna be talking about, it looks so bright in this room. I actually need to put my notes in front of the, the screen so I don't, um, see myself. Um,

Old Pain vs New Pain: Why You Stay Stuck in Suffering

so today we're gonna be talking about, I haven't fully titled it yet, but the idea is gonna be old pain versus new pain. Now, if you're a long time listener, you maybe know my feelings or my thoughts about. The term old pain. I don't think that there is such a thing, in my mind.   📍 📍 Old pain, you cannot carry old pain with you. We, we've talked about processing before and sometimes things like are sort of stuck trauma and grief gets stuck in sort of pockets, right?  But it's the thoughts that you're thinking now, like the stories that you're replaying to yourself, causing you pain in the now you're not like the past doesn't have so much power over you that.

It can reach into your life in the present and cause you the same pain that you felt back when the initial event or whatever happened. Happened, right. Occurred. ,  So the reason I feel it's important to bring that up. In the beginning make that distinction is because  I want you to be able to take your power back  I used to think that it was outta my control, like the pain that I was feeling, and I felt back in the day that that was gonna just follow me around. 

And it did follow me around until I learned how to manage my mind And, Create emotions on purpose, even through the grief.  Okay? So that's what this episode is really going to help you to do, is to make the distinction between what you're still carrying from the past and what you're processing real time if you're metabolizing your grief.  So when I'm using the word resentment here today, just know that it could also be interchangeable with self-created suffering. Um, and it doesn't not always have to be that you're thinking, about some specific resentment that you have towards.

The other party, right? The alienating parent or even your kids or whoever else was a player in your, or is a player in your situation. It could be resentment of the situation or just a feeling of hopelessness, what have you. Okay,

so what I have written here for the little, intro is,  you know, when something small happens in your day, just a simple little look, a memory.

an exchange, a short exchange, suddenly you're caught in this loop of negativity that you just cannot shake. It starts innocently enough, But before long, your body is tense, your mind is spinning, and you're in a  very familiar state of full on emotional suffering. 

That's what we're talking about today. Those everyday moments when the past hijacks the present or feels like it does. Anyway,  we're gonna explore how to tell the difference between refeeding old resentment and actually metabolizing new grief. So you can start sensing which kind of pain is asking for your attention and how to respond to it in a way that helps you to heal rather than spiral.

Resentment vs Grief: Self‑Created Suffering Explained

Alright, I this. I decided to do this episode,  because I do so often have clients that will text me, new clients, that will text me throughout the week and say,  I just can't get out of this loop. I just can't help myself.

I'm processing through so much grief.  They feel like, um, helpless. And a victim of the grief, but actually  Nine times outta 10 when I get that message, some V version of that message, it's not grief that they're processing, it's the self-created suffering.

So being able to tell the difference will help you to feel one more in control of your situation. And also it'll just help you differentiate. So you know whether it's helping you in the moment to keep going in the route that you're going or whether you can stop it. Sometimes when we're in those loops, it feels so necessary because we think that that's the only way that we could feel and that's you processing through grief and it's not okay. 

Quick Self-Test: Are You In a Resentment Loop or Processing Grief?

 so I'm gonna start right off the bat with a quick self-test that you guys can do and you can return back to this episode of like, in the moment if you're feeling.

Activated and something's going on for you and respond to these questions. Or you can take notes now write these questions down. There's only seven of them, um, it's a quick way to help you di diagnose if you will, what's going on for you.

All right,  so I'm gonna invite you to think of a situation that's been weighing on you, been heavy on your heart lately.

I want you to bring it to mind and notice what happens inside your body and then let's see what kind of pain might be active for you. Okay.  You've got this idea like this, whatever's been bothering you the most lately, something they, you might have been looping on or like just feels really activating for you.

I don't mean to retraumatize you, but it's already gonna be going on for you anyway. So we might as well pull up the most relevant thing for you, uh, unpleasant situation for you and have you apply it cause it'll be more effective for you moving forward. You'll remember more of it. Okay? So once you've got that situation in your mind, you're feeling how you feel usually in your body when it happens,  

 First question is, does this feel like a rerun? Does it feel like you're just, it's nothing new. If it's, yes, if your answer's yes, you're likely feeding refeeding unprocessed resentment or um, suffering.  Same scenes, same lines, no. New insight is usually the case,  and if it's no, if it feels fresh and really specific, you're probably metabolizing what's here right now.

Grief. You're in the present moment instead of living in the past.    Question two, does the intensity keep escalating without any relief or movement? Does it keep escalating? Or does it feel quick? Does it feel slow?  If your answer is yes, it just keeps building, then you're probably in a resentment loop or some sort of rumination, This pattern is known to prolong your distress and is linked with stuck grief and depression. Grief on the other hand, usually crests. And then slowly settles, even if you're still sad. It's more of like a whoop, and then you slowly come down.  There's movement, slow movement, but it moves.  that was question two.

I wanna kind of move a little slowly through these so it gives you some time to reflect    Question three. After sitting with it, do you feel more clear? Or more flooded  it's more flooded and you feel won't be either, maybe, maybe more confused or more agitated, it's likely that your mind is spinning old narratives, But if you feel a bit more clear, a bit more soft, even if you're still sad, maybe even tired afterwards, that's a sign that the emotion is integrating and you have been processing.

So you feel more clear or flooded? By flooded, I mean like inundated  

Inner Dialogue Audit: Always/Never Thinking, Blame & Moral Certainty

 question four. What is the tone of your inner dialogue? Are you using a lot of always, never character attacks? They're evil, they're wrong. They're Satan. I don't mean to laugh. I just, soon as I said Satan, it reminds me of how I used to speak about my ex. I used to call him Satan, and I had a nickname for her too.

And, um, it, it felt so like, oddly good,  but like in this like, nudging, urging way to say it, it was like, uh, you know, so if your answer is yes that you're using a lot of always never character text and what have you, those were global, extreme, repetitive thoughts, which are signature characteristics of resentment.

That's your brain reaching for moral certainty. It's definitely not integration.  It's okay if it's happening with you. It's happened with all of us, right? For sure. Even me to this day. You know, there are times when I will catch myself in the.

Extreme repetitive thoughts. Not a problem that you're there if you are.  if it's no, that you're not using a lot of always ne never, none of that character assassination sort of things. instead you're naming your own specific hurts and losses, That's more aligned with grief. It's grief, finding its voice by naming what mattered, what matters. To you. When it's more personal and you're talking about, oh, this just hurts, because I'm telling myself that it means our relationship can't grow or that we've we're losing memories or something like that.

That's more gr aligned with grief. I mean, now, well, I'll leave it at that. That can actually go into a spiral. Depending on what the dialogue looks like from there. But let's just leave it at that for right now. five.

 

 Question five, are you secretly trying to re-argue the past or win an imaginary case in your head?

if it's, yes. That's your brain trying to gain control by rewinding and litigating, it's usually looking for some sort of vindication, it is very human. It's an understandable defense against helplessness, but it keeps the old stories alive and the wounds raw, If your answer's no, that you're more focused on, this is my version of what happened, and this is how I'm feeling right now.

Like a, B, C emotion named. That's closer to actual mourning or grief. 

Part 3: What Happens Afterwards?

Question six.   When the emotional wave passes, where do you land?

Do you feel less able to care for yourself or function?  If yes, if you feel less capable, you're probably been feeding unprocessed resentment, right? Which tends to drain your energy and increase your symptoms.  it may not be that you fully can't take care of yourself or function, you know, you, maybe you're functioning throughout your everyday life, but it feels so much harder because maybe there's extra overwhelm or the problems seem bigger in your mind.

Now  that's a classic sign that you've been feeding resentment or, um, creating suffering for yourself,  which tends to drain your energy and increase your symptoms. 

If your answer is no, that you feel a little bit more grounded, clear, or perhaps like you've gotten more space to move, you've likely been metabolizing your grief. Okay? 

 Last question. Did anything new emerge from the whole thing, like when you were done? I just had a funny visual right now, but when the whole emotional experience sort of subsides. Do you notice that you have the exact same story still with no real new information?  If that's the case, then you probably have just replayed history without digesting it.  If something novel appears, on the other hand, 

a truth, a boundary, a realization. Right. A softness, E even just a little tiny insight. you've moved the energy, it's grief processing.  . That's your quiz. Okay. Just seven easy questions.

Quiz Question Run Thru

I'm gonna go over, I'm just gonna say the questions without the answers again.   📍 📍 📍 📍 Number one is, does this feel like a rerun? Number two is, does the intensity keep escalating without any relief or movement? Three is after sitting with it, do you feel more clear or more flooded?

Number four is what is the tone of your inner dialogue? Are you using always, never character assassination sort of statements or what, okay, everyone's against me, that sort of thing. number five is, are you secretly trying to re argue the past or when an imaginary case in your mind. Number six is when the emotional wave passes, where do you land?

Do you feel less able to care for yourself or function? And like I said, take that wording with a grain of salt. Do you just feel more overwhelmed or less? number seven, the last question is, did anything new emerge? Ask. You can just run through a those simple, or even just a few of those questions.

The next time you've been in a situation or feel like you're just really activated, ask yourself these questions. Now  

Here are a few scenarios that show how the same exact event can trigger either refeeding old resentment or metabolizing grief in real time, just depending on your , emotional, internal state.  and it's helpful to realize that, Whatever activating situation going on right now, this same exact event can be processed and seen, summarized in endless, countless different ways. 

I'm only seeing it this way right now because of what has happened in my past and my identity based on the beliefs that I've carried up until now. But I don't have to see it this way if I don't want to. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but there's so many different ways. to process the information that's happening outside of us.

Child’s Birthday Ignored: Missed Message, Old Stories & Clean Pain

,  So scenario one, the missed birthday, your child doesn't respond to a birthday message.   📍 📍 Coming from old pain, it might sound like she never cared. He never cared. They turned them against me, they turned my kid against me.

I'll never matter to them,  That's coming from old pain. your chest tightens, your mind spirals. The story feels the same every time. Okay? You might scroll through old photos, you might reread court emails. Or your ex's emails, whoever's, and  replay every past rejection.

The more you think, the more hopeless and wronged you feel, but nothing moves.   the same event through the lens of clean pain is going to sound much different. It'll sound like this   📍 📍 hurts because I love him or her and today that love in your mind has nowhere to land. Okay. You allow a few tears or deep breaths, maybe a quiet walk. 

The sadness doesn't vanish, but it passes through you instead of locking you down. You still feel pain, definitely. You feel. The physical sensations inside of you. Maybe your stomach pings. Maybe there's a tightness in your chest a little bit at first. But when gr when it's grief, you'll notice because after taking some deep breaths in, exhaling longer than your inhales, you know, and you allow for some quiet.

For you to gain some grounding and space.   📍 📍 You'll notice that the pain starts to shift even ever so slightly. It doesn't always have to completely dissipate, but you'll notice the physical sensations shift.  Maybe they lift completely, maybe they just sort of start to break up and you feel it more broad across your chest or your stomach than you once did in the beginning when it was tight.

That's you processing grief. the other one, when you're in the old pain and you're like in, uh, I call that it's dirty or clean pain, and the dirty pain feels like tight and it feels urging and, a lot of times speedy and it's urgent.

When Friends Talk About Their Kids: Envy, Comparison & Grief

Just kinda like I said. Okay.  Scenario two. A friend mentions their close bond with their teen.

This is a really popular,  popular, that's not the right word, common, um, scenario that I hear from clients  that it's so annoying.  In fact, I did a, now that I'm saying this, I did a, like a real on this, like a Instagram reel so, so long ago about this, it used to drive me crazy when people would either brag on their teens or complain, not even teens, their kids, or complain about their kids being too much.

It used to make me crazy because it was like, at least you have kids to be too much. Like, what are you bitching about? Stop it. And if you're gonna bitch, bitch to somebody else, not me. Right? Anyway, um, so I feel you.   📍 📍 Um, so from the old pain, you freeze. . The comparison voice kicks in for you. Other parents get normal relationships,

I was robbed of mine. Your chest burns as you mentally compile evidence of injustice, emotion grows sharper and more consuming building energy, but never delivering relief.  It builds on me. The energy always is building. compounding,   📍 📍 coming from new pain, clean pain version acknowledges the ache, right? Maybe it's, I'm feeling envy and loss right now. Okay? You notice the conflicting thoughts and you don't shame yourself for them. You let them surface. You let the em emotions surface from you. The moment actually illuminates what?

You still long for connection. Normalcy, everyday moments. And by admitting that truth, you soften, sometimes tears, sometimes relief, but it's a movement toward honesty and not bitterness. Okay. 

That part's really, really important, especially when we're talking about like any sort of envy, is that you're moving more towards honesty with yourself, not bitterness towards the outside. That's when you know that you're processing grief, real time, actual grief, not self-created suffering. Okay,

Social Media Triggers: Seeing Your Ex & Child Together

so the last scenario is seeing a social media post of your ex and your child together.

Maybe the stepmom. Stepfather and your child together.   📍 📍 The old pain, your body reacts before your thought even catches up. You zoom in on the photo, you look for clues, proof that you've been edited. Out

hours later, you're drained, angry, and stuck in a familiar mental courtroom. 

From the new pain, your breath catches. You feel the ache in your chest, right? You recognize my body just remembered what it feels like to be left out right. All of a sudden, that old fear of being forgotten resurfaced.   📍 📍 Maybe you close the app, And sit quietly and let the sadness simply be there.

That's how it feels from the new pain. Over time, the energy disperses and what remains as acceptance and maybe even a quiet blessing for your child's safety.

Faith, Control & Circle One: Trusting Your Child’s Path

 Not a worry. Anxious, oh my God, what am I gonna do? They're not safe, blah, blah, blah. Not to say that that's wrong if you have that there, but when we're talking about the grief, pain.

Then it's more of a, I'm just, I know what is mine, what's in circle one to control, And, I'm just gonna do everything I can to stay open and aware while keeping my nervous system at ease as much as I can. And I'm going to just keep praying or putting it out there to the universe, depending on what you believe.

That everything is okay with my child.  And even if it's not okay, like you know that things are happening with them, that you don't, you, of course you wouldn't choose. There's abuse going on. Just knowing that and trusting,  here's how I did it. I'm not telling you that you have to do it this way, but how I did it 'cause used to eat me alive.

This part. It, the worry, anxiety and all of that that I would just loop on over and over, and it felt like it was so out of my control. I, that's when I came to the conclusion,  that I needed to have faith in. What is panning out right now? What's happening for her right now is, in the end, is going to be the best thing it's going to be giving her, and now is giving her tools for the version, complete version of her who's been oh, all the way evolved and is at her highest self.

You know? So I just had to lean into trusting that even through all of this awfulness, she, this is what's getting her to her highest self. No. amazing, interesting hero story is all about a lovely, beautiful butterflies fluttering around a perfect childhood, you know, and so that's  what I chose to come to for me, and that's what I always have redirected myself to when I do go into the worry.

And anxiety, you know,  because it does nothing for us to worry. So I just keep reminding myself, okay, if I cannot control it, if it's not in circle one, you know, call back from last episode then. And if I can't, there's nothing that I can do coming up in the next, you know, however long, then the best thing that I can do for me is take care of me.

 And I'm gonna trust that how things are panning out for her are exactly what she needs in order to get to the best version of her. Okay,

Emotional Recycling vs Emotional Digestion: Rumination vs Metabolizing Grief

so. These examples that I just gave you, highlight the qualitative shift, right between emotional recycling and emotional digestion. Same stimulus, same events happen, right?

Different nervous system responses. Okay?  When we feel unsafe, our brains try to control our emotion by analyzing, replaying, or moralizing it. It pulls old emotional files off the shelf trying to make sense of the danger in front of us or how we're processing, seeing it right in that state. When we're there thinking danger, danger, everything's terrible right now.

Rumination becomes a form of self-protection.  The mind tries to think its way out of the body's discomfort, which can't actually happen anyway. You guys, and it ends up stalling and trapping your grief.

Okay. Trying to think your way out of whatever emotional state that you're in is not the way to get you to a longstanding, nervous system regulation. You know what I'm saying?

Dirty Pain vs Clean Pain: Sympathetic vs Parasympathetic Nervous System

 With grief, though you are participating in what's happening outside of you rather than trying to control it.

Huge distinction there. Tears trembling, even gentle slump of the shoulders are signs that the nervous system is moving from sympathetic activation into parasympathetic release. Okay. It's a shift from defense. Into digestion.   📍 📍 You can think of resentment as emotional indigestion. Okay? Energy gets stuck in the quote unquote mouth of the mind being chewed and chewed  like cow cut, swallowed, and then brought back up to chew more again.

and never really gets processed through ever.   📍 📍 Grief by contrast is the emotional metabolism. the body and psyche are breaking down, meaning they're absorbing what can be learned and then releasing what no longer fits.

Creating New Thought Pathways: Post‑Traumatic Growth After Alienation

Okay.  So that's exactly what, speaking of, that's exactly what I do with my clients on, with my one-on-ones, is we look at what's happening, what the stories that we have, we're breaking down the meaning of everything,

systematically, And then we're absorbing what can be learned, deciding, and then absorbing what can be learned, and then releasing what no longer fits for good, letting it go. So that you can create new thought habits, new superhighways, up in your brain, neuropathways, right? Because what you believe, what you're thinking the most is what's gonna create your results in your life, not just about alienation, but the rest of your life, who you believe you are and how the world works for you, whatever.

Those are the default, not the ones  that you want to believe. You know the things that you think you should believe, like the correct answer things. It's the way back of the bus. The oldest beliefs is what run you okay until you change that.   📍 📍 So in summary, resentment loops belong to the sympathetic system, sympathetic nervous system. It's , fight, and flight, grief on the other hand, belongs to your parasympathetic. It's your rest and digest.  One burns through energy and one restores it. 

Grounding Practice: Hand on Heart, Justice or Witness?

. So right now, I'm going to, if you've been thinking about that activating situation from earlier, you know, during the quiz, I, I'm gonna invite you to take a slow, deep breath through your nose and then let your exhale leave your body through your mouth.

With each exhale, think of a layer of your old story. Leaving you. Like picture almost, you know, like the magicians when they pull that ribbon, that change those colors out of their mouth, imagine your exhales doing that and that ribbon being the old stories of your past, whatever story you were just thinking about just a minute ago.

  📍 📍 And then place one hand over your heart and ask to yourself, is this pain demanding for justice? Or is it asking for witness?  That is another really easy way to tell what's going on. Is it demanding justice or is it just asking me to witness it? Notice what happens in your body when you ask that.  📍 📍

Justice seeking pain will tighten. There's a forward push and a readiness to argue. It's fiery tight.   📍 📍 Grief seeking pain feels tender, feels honest. Maybe there's a sort of pulled downwards. Uh, it's a grounding. It is a slower, softer sort of energy to it. Maybe even a quiet ache.  So just notice your body, like what happens with it if it's more rushed and needing to get somewhere very urgent.

That's the, that's dirty pain, clean pain. Like I said, clean grief, emotion, sad. ,

mourning sort of emotions are slow and have a downward pull.  Both experiences are valid. I need to say this. Okay. They're both valid. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you for having either experience. Like I said, I've had both sides of the spectrum, but all in between really.

Looping or Living: Letting the Emotional Wave Move & Integrate

What human hasn't, right?

Especially going through grief. There's nothing wrong with you if you are. Creating some suffering in your life. It makes sense because that's how we've been conditioned to believe we need to process through emotion, is by making sense of it and keeping, repeating and looping and going, trying to draw e evidence from our past.

It creates this weird sense of safety, security for us, but it doesn't, right? It's the certainty of it, but it doesn't actually, it actually causes more pain on top of it. So. Both are valid, but only one will bring you rest and, evolution like evolvement.  old pain keeps you in survival.

New pain, ushers towards truth.   📍 📍 So when you find yourself spiraling, ask, am I looping or am I living?  So is this pain demanding justice or is it asking for witness, am I looping or am I living? Another way to put it,  if it's looping, breathe. Put your hand on your heart, gently remind your system. 

I'm here now and I am safe right now. Okay, I'm here. Which nervous system doesn't know the difference between what you're telling it and what's actually happening. So bring it back to earth. Back to the present moment. I'm right here. It's okay. Everything is okay. I'm safe.  Okay. And I know that sounds so, uh, what's the word I'm looking for?

Like, not rudimentary, but just so basic. But this is what your nervous system needs in the moment when you are activated. Okay. Alright. So if it's living, let the wave move through you. Trust the integration leaves behind light. This is when so much, so many of us are so scared, and I talk about this a lot, but like, we're so scared that like if we let the tears come that it'll be, you know, the floodgates are open, then it's never gonna stop.

And if that's really happening with you, when you just have uncontrollable tears coming, what's the problem with uncontrollable tears coming? Number one, unless you're like. You know, in the middle of a presentation at work or something, you know, it's okay. The problem that we have is when we make the, the tears, the emo, whatever the emotion is, means something about us, about our healing.

There's a story around it. That's what hurts more. It's like, oh, this must mean that, you know, I'm, I suck, or I'm not where I thought I was, or This grief is still here. It's never gonna end. That is the stuff that hurts. There's nothing wrong with tears. I think way everybody does it. We all cry. At some point, and those of us that don't have been blocked, we blocked ourselves, right?

We're numb and maybe in the state of freeze, maybe prolonged freeze, and that's okay too. But, um, anyway, so let the wave move through you and just trust that with this integration, because that's what processing metabolizing grief is, is integrating your emotions with what is currently, happening in your life.

Integrating your emotions and your, inner state with where you are and where you're headed when you separate it and wanna push it away, it keeps your life very segmented and, and, and blocked. That's when you, it's hard for flow states to happen because there's so many different little compartments.

I just reminded myself of the. That Seinfeld episode where, where, george is like talking about when world's collide. Anyway,

Core Distinctions Recap: Rumination, PTSD, Depression & Prolonged Grief

 so healing doesn't mean that you never revisit pain. Pain is gonna happen. Healing just means that one, that you just get good and comfortable with feeling discomfort.

emotional discomfort, and it means that you learn to tell time sort of inside your body. You know when the past is speaking and when the present is speaking.  That awareness is power and peace grows from there. Just knowing what's happening with you because so often we get swoosh up, swept up from this, the old pain, self-created suffering, pain, the stuff from the past.

The dirty pain and we think that it rules us that our past is reaching into today and taking us for the ride, but it doesn't have to be like that at all. It's really unnecessary. In fact,  if you can all just differentiate in your mind, oh, this is me telling an old story, an old outdated story from my past, I can redefine like rewrite that story.

To  support me today in moving forward, or I can keep it the outdated version and have it cause suffering for me and today and moving forward, you know?

I think that's it. I'm just gonna really quickly, this is a short episode anyway,

  📍 📍 📍 📍 so core distinction between ancient resentment, the old unprocessed, dirty pain is, it feels repetitive, circular, and often escalates your distress without any new insight. It looks like rumination, replaying the same scenes arguments and what ifs over and over.

And with lots of blaming and always, and never statements language. Okay? . Research links this kind of repetitive brooding rumination to higher levels of prolonged grief, PTSD and depression.

  📍 📍 📍 📍

Metabolizing grief on the other hand, feels wavelike. Okay? It's intense, but there's a sense of movement, even if small towards meaning, acceptance, or integration.

It involves emotional processing, naming the feeling, allowing it, and eventually arriving at some shift in perspective. Some sort of relief or clarity.

Grief Oscillation: Feeling Pain Without Letting It Take Over Your Life

In grief research, this looks like oscillating. I did an episode on that a while back, oscillating between confronting the loss and engaging with life rather than staying stuck in one mode.  I think the episode was called why Avoiding your negative Emotion, why avoiding your Emotions is sometimes a good thing.

Something like that. It was like last fall, I think. Not this past fall, the one before that. So it looks like oscillating between confronting a loss and engaging in life  Like, I'm gonna spend 20 minutes feeling this pain, and then I'm gonna go ahead and move to the next thing so that it, grief doesn't just eat up your entire life or sadness.

Negative emotion doesn't eat up your entire life. You're giving it space, okay? You're scheduling it in, or whatever it is that needs to happen so that you're acknowledging it. It's there. But then you're also giving you space to not let your life go by. You know, years. Pass by  because you've been stuck in this dark buzzard flying over your head state of mind.

 Because that's the thing is like your nervous system, it records it doesn. File things away neatly. It files things away, or even necessarily in order in order of time, it files away your state of mind for each circumstance situation, painful, happy. Whatever experience that you have, it files away a state of mind.

That's why music is so powerful.  You know how you felt that music caused you to feel, and it reminds you of a whole period of time, right? Because of the way that music, what it pulled out of you. Anyway, now I'm just talking just to talk. So I'm gonna go,  but I hope that this, um, episode. Helps you guys to gain some clarity around what's going on for you in the moment, and then that way it won't feel so necessary to continue entertaining those old, the outdated stories of your past.

Right? Even if the circumstances, you're like, well, I'm not gonna lie to myself about the past. You don't have to lie to yourself, but you can pull the facts out of the past or the stories from the past. In fact, you don't even have to pull facts out. You could make your stories be whatever you want them to be.

So that it, they feel good for you, or you can just choose to leave some of those stories in the past and you don't need to repeat them to yourself. Right? Think of it as like the stories of your past are literally books on the shelf of your mental library, right? Like maybe you've got stacks and stacks and stacks of, you know, uh, shelves of books all over, 

you decide whether you wanna pick that book out or whether you wanna toss it, what you wanna do with it, and how you wanna really write it from here forward. It doesn't have to be based on fact if you don't want to. And it can if you want. It just depends on what feels right for you. But you get to be the manager of that,  you're not required to repeat the same versions of your stories from how you think that somebody else would tell you to tell it, your kiddo or whoever, that's their perspective and that's their prerogative. But in order to feel in charge of your life and create the best possible future for yourself, you gotta step into the authority of speaking stories. In truth, I'm using air quotes there that pushes you forward, right? That's your responsibility.

So anyway. That's what I have for you guys. So I will see you next week. Bye.

 Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-sized clips and tips, be sure to find me on TikTok or Instagram. See you next week.