When They Want To Change Their Name: A Healing Guide for Alienated Parents
Episode Transcript
You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number one, almost I, almost at the time. Episode number 140. Uh, stay tuned. Hey guys, how are we doing today? Well, if you heard last week today we are covering a topic that I know is one of those down in the dungeon fears that many alienated parents have, and that is when your child, adult child, child, child wants to change their name or has changed their name So either their surname, the one that matches yours, Or. They're given name, the name that you might have put. So much thought and care and time invested in doing the research and the um.
Just all the effort and love that you had at the time when you finally landed on their name, And so. That's what we're gonna talk about. I know for me, this has been not as much these days. I mean, I, it's not that I don't think it could happen because it's definitely, I never wanna rule anything out.
Right? I don't put usually, except when I was sort of doing the preparation for this, I don't usually visit this or wanna entertain the what ifs. Right? Counterfactual. Stories in my brain, um, because you know why? y'all know why, but. The last couple weeks I've really thought about this and I have some points on both sides.
I have, I've put some thought into it as far as the children go and like their motivations to do it, why they do it as kiddos, teenagers, pre-teens maybe. Um, but then also in the adult years. So I the way that we're gonna structure this today is we're gonna, first, address your.
Feelings and like how you might be thinking about it and the fears that you have around this. Um, and then I'm gonna talk about what I think a lot of alienated kids are going through when they're deciding to do this, or if they already have what might be going on in their minds and their motivations.
And then I'm gonna talk about what you can do as far as your peace of mind,
so first let's talk about what's in a name. So I know for me, I can talk about my experience growing up, well, somewhat in the United States. I actually , spent a lot of time overseas as a kid, but I still grew up with American heritage. Right. I think this goes across the board, but I'm just gonna only go from my experience.
I know that we put so much, uh, importance to place, so much importance or meaning behind a name because it's really. When we're given that name, it's like, the first organic, uh, exchange, whenever the child comes out. talking about our own children, it is the association of a name to identity and self-concept and the connection with.
Heritage. family in the symbolic meaning especially if it's a given name, it symbolizes so much just starting from the first days that we're on this earth, right? The first thing that parents do when a child is born usually is name them. I know in some, cultures that might, might be different, but at least I think in the United States, you can't let the child leave a hospital without a name, it's one of our first associations with. Our identity, With who we belong to and what, what we belong to, like what we're a part of. as you know, of course, time and years go on our self concept is built around our name, right? Who we are.
Everything stems back to. Our names, names can symbolize, , the parents' relationship together. You know, like especially when parents have named their kid, like a destination place. London, Austin. You know, wherever the parents were, whenever the child was conceived a name can symbolized religious beliefs, parents often choose names with specific meanings or aspirations for their children, like so that they are are anointing them with significance, Also what I think is interesting is that, when in connection and communication with another person, I. When somebody says your name, first name, It, invokes an emotional response from the person's name who is being used. You know, there's so much that does go into a name. So when we talk about our children wanting to change those names that we gave to them, either by passed down because of, , family Heritage, , or the name that we came up with.
After spending, you know, days and days upon end with baby books and internet searches and whatever to find the perfect name, right? There's just just a lot of time and energy oftentimes that goes into, I. finding the perfect name for your kiddo so it makes sense that if you have been fearing this or if it has happened and you are upset about it, it makes sense why, This is the first.
Emotional connection and, attachment that you have with your kid, The first real one when they're in front of you and not in your belly if you're a mom, you know? so as a parent, when the kids either come to us or when we hear that they want to change their name, it of course can cause profound feelings of hurt and rejection. That's the first place that most parents go to is why don't they want the name that I've given to them? Also, we can feel like it's the final straw in us being erased from them. Right? It may have maybe the, the one last thing connection that they have to you. You may feel when thinking about this, that if they've changed their name or after they've changed their name. it's like the ultimate form of rejection and erasure from their life, because. Now their identity has changed. and it could affect even their memories, like how, what their associations to their early childhood, which of course can intensify your feelings of hurt, sadness, frustration, grief, and what have you.
Right? Every time the child uses their new name, it, the fear is that it's going to reinforce your absence, And the psychological split The real kicker, and I think the real fear here is that it can make reconciliation feel even more distant than ever. it can feel like Now they have cut all ties and will never be able to reconcile from here. We'll never be able to reconnect.
, another reason why it bothers us is it's just, it's kind of goes along the same lines as what I was just saying, is that them changing their name, you could say it's a name. It's just a name. All you want can try to convince yourself of that, but. The real problem many parents feel like it's a symbol of alienation's impact, right?
This is just another way more evidence to prove that that the other parent or whoever's alienating your kids from you has really gotten through to them. They've really done the damage, they've gone in and destroyed every last tie. name changes are often seen as like a strategic. Play by the alienating parent and or, and or just the extreme manifestation of alienation, right? for most people, it's an ongoing reminder of the physical split that has occurred, This fracture in y'all's relationship.
I. During our grief and loss, a name change can feel like the final step in a process, of being completely cut out of your child's life. Making it harder to maintain faith that y'all will reconcile in the future.
Also too, when your child changes their name, or if they change their name, depending on how evident it is to the public, like let's say they're changed the last name to match the alienating parent's name. Then oftentimes it deepens the, the feelings of disenfranchised grief for us as alienated parents, because now the child is making a very public statement about where their loyalties lie, you know, and how they identify as a individual, as a person in society, , you know, it's a big statement. And so then we often think about, and I'm sure the alienating parent often thinks about too, how that shows up in the community, , the sort of evidence or proof that that gives to up the onlookers, What does this say about me? many of us say. what are other people? How are they gonna take the extreme measures done. About me. Right. Which I know most of you don't just care about how other people think and feel about you. But also when we're talking about something like this, it's like an attack on our character, we think, especially at the time that it goes to,
the quality of parent. We are and were, to our kid and are obviously lack of significance anymore. So there's just so much that goes into it. But it definitely, I think the, one of the biggest things about the social aspect of it, is that it can really intensify our feelings of disenfranchised grief and like the isolation and Feeling almost invisible or attacked, you know? And that feels lonely and I know that you guys know that. So, and the last thing? No, not the last thing. There's two more things I have on my list here. The other thing that it can affect is, uh, these intense feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and also concerns for your own child's wellbeing, many parents worry that changing names, especially when done as a coping mechanism or a dissociated tactic, might be linked to deeper identity struggles, right? We worry about what's happening inside of our kids. on the mental health side of things, the challenges that our children might be going through, if they're willing to go to these extreme measures, no matter what their age, then what's happening internally for them, where I go is, how alone must she feel to be considering doing something like this?
Something so, drastic.
And of course, depending on your custody status,, if the other parent has sole custody, then , this can cause some
intense feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, feeling defeated. I know that for me, I, and I, many parents I know feel like this, but like my worry has always been that. There was going to be like a break or these glitches in her biological narrative. Right. And the way that she saw her life up until today, because we already know that. one of the alienating parents' tactics is to erase, right?
To not support and encourage, reinforce the memories, the good memories of us, and our children, right? But instead, ignore or suppress, push away and rewrite those memories. The same thing can happen with the name change, right? Here's more evidence, proof that. My child's getting it wrong.
It's not their fault, but they're being fed it wrong. And so their whole identity is based on, of course, as we know, on, on fabrication, right? And so all the way down now to how they identify, what they're being called, So, um, and that can cause some serious feelings of helplessness defeated loneliness. Isolation too. Because if the other parent has sole legal custody, let's say, or if somehow they were allowed to, the court had allowed them to, to change their name before they turned 18, it can cause you to feel like invisible. Nobody's hearing me.
Nobody's understanding or caring about the wellbeing of my child really. and it's a really frustrating situation, especially if the legal and social systems fail to recognize it, you know? and then the last thing of course is the anger and resentment that many, many parents feel.
This is really when I see parents become unhinged, is when this is like the final insults. especially, regardless, we already know what's orchestrated by the alienated parent , but the act of a name change. Can provoke so much anger and resentment both towards the alienating parent, the children, sometimes, especially when those children are over 18 and they do it right.
And then also, of course, those social and legal systems that failed to address it. and allowed the changes to happen. particularly with adult children. I know. I was just talking to my mom yesterday about, not this, but something else. It was talking about my daughter's graduation and birthday presents. The, the option of whether or not she should send anything or not wasn't yesterday. It was a couple days ago. A few days ago.
Um, and my mom though, she loves my daughter to pieces, right. She's also. So resentful, um, at them for, of course allowing this. But also she is holding my daughter responsible. And as much as I try to explain to my mom, she doesn't, she gets it. But then she doesn't, she understands that her critical thinking has been stunted, but at the same time, she still holds her responsible because she's an individual and now she's especially, she's 18 and she. She often talks about , not rewarding, bad behavior, you know, um, on a, a humorous side I think sometimes she should take her own advice, but I guess so.
So should we. All Anyway. many parents can feel really angry with. Especially the adult children because they're doing this knowingly, right? They're 18 now. They know they should know better and they're still doing this to spite me or to get at me, to get under my skin.
Um, and that's really what I wanna address today because that's a lot of times what's causing so much pain for you. Holding onto resentment as you know. The only person who's feeling that is you or me, or whoever's holding onto the resentment. Right? Um, and when we're talking about coercive control with our children, I know that you guys already all know this, but they're not thinking on all, I hate to say this the way that I'm getting ready to say it, because it doesn't, I'm definitely not attacking our children or whoever's being coerced, but we're not, they're not working at all.
Cylinders, you know, they're just not coming from abuse, that part of the brain is stunted. Just like I said, they're under a loyalty conflict
alright, so let's talk about why. Their motivation for doing it. Okay. This is, what I consider to be the important part of the episode.
I would've led with it had I not thought how important it was to address y'all. Most of you are alienated parents who are listening, so I do to, you know, connect with you. Right. But I think that. when we're, angry, resentful, fearful, even , we're not also not thinking as clearly as maybe we would be if we were coming from a place of love. Right.. And the desire to understand And I get it,
actually doing this research and spending the time to write about it and think about it, I really gained some more understanding for myself about children who wanna do this, our children,
for many adult children or children in general, a name change is the act of taking control of their identity, taking control of their narrative from here on out. It can be a way for them to assert independence, especially after being caught in the crossfire, they have probably much of their life felt like they needed to show allegiance to the alien meeting parent and then shipped over to you if they're seeing you, depending on what your situation is. They haven't likely not felt in control of their own identity and of their life.
Thus far. . They could feel like that. Everybody sees them. Here's the thing is that alienated kids, you know, they already feel so different. I don't know if you grew up in a, divorced family, like if your parents were together, if they weren't, mine weren't.
And I dealt with, as a kid, not as severe as how my daughter's dealing with it, but I definitely dealt with a, a degree . Of alienation from both parents, , I think mostly inadvertently. Um, but you guys, if you've know, know my history and you've heard me talk about my mom, then you know, a little bit, there's a little bit more than just inadvertent like, or innocent sort of alienation, right?
Anyway, I know for me that I felt like, different and that. Whatever was going on with my parents ended up taking a toll on my life, my social life, who my friends were, where I lived, like what country I lived in, what I could do, how much I had, right? All of that was really, dependent on what their status was.
I did not feel like I had any control over my narrative or my identity at all, you know? And so I can see how for these kids, our kids, if they're considering it, that it makes sense, right? They, for so long, they didn't have control over, their identity, how people saw them, and so this is a way for them to assert their, their independence, right?
It's a flex for them. , Not always done outwardly. This can be. A way for them to manage their own life moving forward, like a step out for them. I don't think it's always, though. It can be. I just don't think it's always an act of anger.
They do it too to manage their own emotional pain and also to manage the loyalty conflict because kids who have been alienated, right, our children, , I think they do feel like upon, they feel the, the weight of that and their emotional pain Just like when they've rejected you in the past, they reject you because they see the conflict coming from you because the alienating parent is attacking you. Whenever you are involved, shit starts going down. , They see the problem as it, well, it has to be them, it has to be us, right? The alienated parent, so they associate their name, their identity with a problem. So when they, like, when they rejected us, or at games or whatever, they stayed with the alienating parent and didn't come over say hi to you or even, wave to you. Because they were so enmeshed with the alienating parent. They do that for two reasons. One is , it's an attempt to stabilize their own identity, sense of self by rejecting where the pain came from, where the conflict a arose from. Right. And unfortunately, they're associating us with that pain of conflict. Also The name change, as you guys well know, may be a way for them to manage the loyalty conflict you know, with the alienating parent, they feel like the reason why they have to go with them is 'cause either that they're the most powerful or the alienating parent provides more security.
Even though that's not always the case, most likely, almost never the case. That's how it appears, right? That parent feels stronger and more, um, secure to go to. But also they know that you'll always love them, right? They know where the source of unconditional love is. They do wanna level, But with the alienating parent, they also know that if they don't do certain things, then. Their world blows up. They don't feel secure. So by going and changing their name, it's a way to show allegiance, right? It's a way to manage that,, loyalty conflict, and say, see, look, . I love you the most.
I'm perfectly aligned with you now. Now we even have the same last name, or I've changed my name away from their name. So now we're the twinsies. Right? It's a, it's a way to further en mesh themselves and create a sense of security for their self, their experience, depending on how old they are, right?
This can happen in adult years too. So it's just another way to, to feel tied to the parent that they crave that love from so much because they feel like if they're not craving the love, actively trying to real like have them, then they won't have them at all. They'll go away. It's a way to manage that.
Another thing, like almost the opposite of that. Many times it's just a desire for a fresh start for them because some kids can, again, depending on the history and when the alienation started, sometimes they just wanna distance themselves completely from family history, whether that's due to like any sort of negative association or conflict,
or they just wanna start anew, sometimes it's just about seeking congruence or a sense of wholeness in their own life. Like a fresh start for them to be like, alright, I'm gonna decide who I am now. They told me who I was supposed to be forever. They always provided this conflict.
So I've never really found out who I am. I'm starting fresh right now. 18, I'm changing my name and I'm gonna do this my way. They could resent the whole loyalty conflict to begin with. They could resent both parents, so it, it's not always necessarily about them trying to enmesh themselves with the other parent.
Of course they could be doing it because the other parent is influencing them, The decision is shaped by maybe the family environment. Let's say the, the alienating parent remarried and they took the new name and your kiddo wants to be associated with that.
They associate happy goodness also wanting to feel included, especially if there's other kids in the family, stepchildren, step sisters, brothers, you know what I'm saying? they could just really, like fomo, wanna feel included and belong in their everyday environment, which is a natural, tendency for all humans, right?
No fault of the alienating child. A lot of them too, they're probably sick of feeling different. They wanna feel the same. They wanna feel like they belong. Every person wants to feel like that they belong. And the way to do that, is by matching names.
Right? I belong to this family, so I know that you guys know a lot of this stuff, but I do think it might help, especially when you are up in arms about the fact that your kiddo has brought this up or has already changed their name, and you're like, why the fuck would they do that? And the first thing that us as alienated parents go to is they hate me.
They don't wanna be associated with me. Right. But oftentimes there's so much more than that going on. That may be the case a little bit, but I don't think that that's everything. Always. Yeah. There are the cases. I mean, I don't mean to say that that's not sometimes solely the case. Some, some kids are.
So they, they front with so much anger and hostility. Behind that still isn't only anger and hostility. You always have to remember that they could take these extreme measures as a way for them to start feeling whole again. 'cause think about when you feel anger and hostile and wanna take extreme measures.
Why are you doing that? You wanna feel some way different than you already feel. It's really solely internally, even when you're, you've ever like maybe attacked somebody else or done something to like leave, abandon a relationship. Probably not the best word, but exit a relationship really quick. You wanted to not be associated with your partner anymore.
Yes, maybe you were angry with them, but really it's always about you wanting to feel different than how you are right now. And so even in the anger and hostility, just keep remembering that this is their experience. And that's, I actually, I'm getting too far into what my next section, so I'll stop.
So it's not always about rejection,, while we may feel an experience. The name changes, rejection. some alienated children feel like it's a, their step, an essential step for their own healing, Their own personal growth rather than a direct attack on us, the alienated parent.
Another motivation is changing their name is also a way for them to just avoid painful associations, it's a way for them to, if they are constantly thinking that alienated parent is associated , in their mind to pain and conflict and upheaval, , every time they see their name, write their name, hear their name, knowing that they are now associated with you, which represents in their minds, represents conflict and discord and, they think of you and it's a reminder for them of their own shame and guilt. Then most times, I mean, who wants to deal with that? Who wants to have a constant reminder of their ongoing ever present shame and guilt. Nobody does. And so they think the way to get out of that, it's just like how alienated parents, so many alienated parents, I know they wanna pick up and move.
If I could just move then I wouldn't constantly be reminded of them, of my painful experiences here, of the rejection of me by my kid. It's, you know, devastating for them. So they think, and I know I did it too, right? But I didn't, I, well you guys, most of you know that I made myself stay until I could create happiness in my world before I moved.
Right? I wasn't gonna run from it and just act in order to get myself somewhere to, to feel better, right? But that's what many of us do. We wanna just stop associating the pain and the guilt. No constant reminders anymore. If I could just not be constantly reminded, then maybe I could go on living my life, right?
This is the same thing for our kids. Whoever wants to change their name, that's exactly what they're doing. Can't I just live my life without being con constantly reminded of pain and suffering? You know, if they associate really deeply associate their name with pain and suffering, then of course they wanna change their name.
I'm not saying it's right, I just get it, you know? So, um,
A lot of times kids wanna change their name. Adult children even wanna change their name as a way for them to cope with their feeling of helplessness and start regaining control, reclaiming agency over their life, And so.
Because they haven't felt in control thus far. reinventing themselves, changing their hobbies, what they like to do. Suddenly they'll drop certain things that, like activities that they used to do and now maybe associate with you. They don't do those things anymore. and maybe that's already worrying you, you know, like, look, they're not doing like, if your kid was in baseball and now you're not around anymore, and the. Stopped baseball. Many of us as alienated parents will want to blame the, the alienating parent for it.
And I'm not saying all of this isn't their doing to begin with, but many times it's the kids that lose interest in the activities they associate with you. Because, because right. They don't want to feel the pain of associating every time they go to practice or, or rehearsal or whatever it is that the, the loss of you, right?
That's the way they deal with their feelings of helplessness. And also grief is, let me just stop associating with the pain. And so it's a way for them to reinvent, reinvent their lives. And sometimes they do it like as a way to, if they change their first name. Which is what my brother did, um, on his own one of the times, is that they changed their names to match, like their new role.
And unfortunately, when we're talking about alienation, their new role may be more of an adult, more mature status in the house than maybe they're ready for, you know? And so a lot of times that flex, that assertion of this
newfound sense of control or responsibility that they have, it feels good for them. It feels redeeming and like that they've, they've got some say and in at least part of their life and how they identify themselves, right? It's just a way for them to adapt to the new role that they're taking on in their mind. And may not, most of the time won't even realize that they have, adopted a new role.
It's just the way that they're envisioning who they are now, that maybe you're maybe not at home in the head of the household anymore, or one of two heads of the household. Now they've sort of stepped up into that role, right? We know family systems, that's the way that alienation goes. . This is just coming up for me right now, and it isn't necessarily about the name change, but I noticed with my daughter that when all of it was really starting to go down and she was maybe like seven, eight years old, she. I noticed became very particular in her room and like wanted things to be just so, and I know that that was her way.
And then she spoke about that a lot, right? Like, no, I need things to be, so, you know, she, I believe, I think that was the influence of the stepmom somewhat. But I also think that for her doing that was her way of controlling her environment, right? Because it seemed so messy and in disarray otherwise, as far as emotional and, and it was chaotic for her because there was not any sense of continuity between our house and their house.
Right. And I think that that can come out in our kiddos where they will not necessarily obsess, but become very controlling in one area of their life, right? And sometimes that way is by how they identify themselves, right? With their name. So it's a way of reconciling their own ambiguous or complicated grief.
Right. Um, one thing I wanna say about this is it's not necessarily, I think I kind of mentioned it earlier, but it's self reinvention and them wanting to change their name is not inherently negative. Right? It can reflect a sense of resilience and adaptability on their part. Right? However, it risks
making the maladaptive coping strategies the norm for them, If and only if their grief remains unaddressed, which, If they're still being coerced by the other parent, then probably is the case. But just know too that like as adult children, sometimes they do it. I think this is really what I wanted to hit is many times the, the young adults that wanna do this just really wanna move away from conflict. They wanna establish who they are, their own sense of self without all of their parents' shit.
You know? And they, it does sometimes come from some anger and some resentment on their part, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're aiming it towards you. And even if they are, it's still really based on their own internal feelings, right? Emotions, and also their own. Identity crisis that they may be having as a result of feeling and being so enmeshed with their other parent for so many years maybe.
You know, so I, I, I think it's really important as far as your healing goes, to remember, keep reminding yourself that this isn't a personal attack on you. Even if they say it is, that's fine, but it's really always, of course, speaks to what they're feeling and the coercion that they've been experiencing.
Right. It really has nothing to do with you as a person and you as a parent even, and it's not a reflection on your, the job that you did while you were able to do it. , Like I said, they may be angry and they may be taking it out in that direction and saying they wanna do it to get away from you, but they're really getting away from the idea that the other parent has implanted in their mind.
You know, so just keep remembering that they, nobody likes to feel conflict. Nobody likes to have this upheaval and this, uh, instability. Insecurity, , especially with their own family system. So what our kids, most often your kids are doing, when they wanna exercise their individuality by changing their name, they're just trying to break free of that.
You know, they just want a chance at a fresh start. Much of the time. There are the cases though, where they are wanting a, a fresh start and they're doing it at the encouragement, the direct encouragement, like the specific encouragement of the other parent wanting them to change their name. Right. And they're manipulating them to, oh, it would be so great if you had the last same last name.
It does happen. Right, for sure. And the, but the child isn't necessarily doing it out of so much love for the other parent and, uh, like idolizing of them. Mostly it's because they need to feel loved. Like, no, like secure in that this parent, the alienating parent is accepting of them. children don't wanna feel like hanging out or blowing out in the breeze, you know, not, not knowing where they belong.
They wanna know for sure and acts like that, solidifying their allegiance to the other parent. Of course, to them, feels. Like love, right? It feels like, oh, if I do this, then I'll really be accepted. They'll really see how much I care. Oftentimes they'll do it too to like get out of their own trouble that they've created, you know, oh, okay, well I can make up for it by, you know, going and doing this for them.
So they give up their own identity. They don't really see it that way, but they don't realize the implications of it for long term, you know, but they, they give that up and they feel like it's a small price to pay, just to make the other parent happy and then to, to settle things down in the home and emotionally for them, you know?
So if they do it, um, let's talk about now about like the repercussions on the child, mainly if they go through with it, along with already just being involved in this massive loyalty conflict. Of parental alienation, depending on how old they are, when they do start to identify with a different name, sometimes it's not even always done legally, but they do it on their own accord.
Right. They just start telling people to call them by a different name. My brother did this, in fact, my brother, well, yeah, my brother changed his name twice, , legally, twice, and then changed his name, the way that people referred to him, uh, several times growing up. He was my half brother, as you know, and so his father wasn't around from the time that he was maybe two, my dad adopted him.
I actually, to this day don't know what happened around that, if that was a voluntary thing by my brother's father or if that was something that maybe happened with my mom, like if she was the one that instigated that I don't actually know. And I never ever, never occurred to me that maybe, it wasn't, his name was Ray Ray's dad that left and was a deadbeat. Maybe that wasn't the case at all. In fact, I have the evidence to prove, because of my experience growing up and with the alienation that I experienced, right. Um, that it, it could definitely be.
But anyway, so my brother took, when he was two, this, my mom did. It took my father's last name, he changed his name all through, high school, his first name, how he said it, the variations of it. And then he when my mom and dad split, he on his own accord, changed his name to my mom's last name and also changed his middle name too, to not be associated with my, my father's, so he took on a whole brand new name, new identity. And so, um, neither here nor there for me. And, and now he's passed. I can't ask him any questions. But, I do think that in his teen years, he did struggle with his identity
for his whole life. That was always a thing for him, what was my point there? Kids may experience and often do experience the confusion about their identity going through something like alienation, right? And the act of changing their name can actually symbolize that, break that rupture of a part of their own heritage, right?
Leading to some further internal conflict in a fractured sense of self, And so, the more that we as you guys have hear me talk about all the time, is that when we run from something that something comes and finds us, right? The more that we wanna move away from something, reject it or resist it.
The more it kind of comes around. And a lot of times when kids are changing their names, when they're not doing it as part of their healing process, or even when they are, they're the many times they want to cut off and dissociate from something, which is the same thing as resisting or running away from.
Right. And so that in itself can have some, emotional repercussions later on in life that they don't even recognize me being the first few years of doing it. So it definitely can lead to. A good amount of internal conflict on the alienating, alienated kids side of things.
That's one of the downsides to to, to doing it, especially doing it early when they're not really sure of what they're doing. it's not, but none of these things that I'm getting ready to say are anything that are like ha, have to be deal breakers. There's always a way through, you know? So just know that, um, because I know the things that I'm just getting ready to share here or that I have shared, sometimes I, I don't wanna worry you more, but I also know too that I trust that you ha are strong enough and are using your prefrontal cortex to, assess your situation and just know that I'm not gonna leave you hanging just with all the worries and not give you the steps out of it.
Okay. So another repercussion or emotional. Downfall to changing if they've already changed their name is the guilt, shame, and emotional distress that they will feel moving forward. Many children feel guilt or shame about the, the forced estrangement or alienation to begin with, the rejection of you.
Even though they can't articulate that, they don't know why they don't feel good, but they a lot of times will have so much, ooh, hidden shame. It's all hidden. But like, unrecognized shame that they're experiencing because of just rejecting you and turning you away when they know that you have only wanted to love them.
I remember being with, um, in one of my individual. Reunification therapy appointments with Lisa Rothfus back in the day. you know, in reunification therapy, the way that she did it anyway was we had some individual sessions, each of us, my daughter Scarlet, had some and I had some, and then we met, together on more than several occasions.
Right. But one of the things that she talked about with me, educated me on early on was this, overwhelming guilt and shame that many adult children feel about the rejection of us, the parent that loved them so much and just wanted to, to, to experience life with them. And they don't know how to recognize it because it is too painful to address for many people, Adult children. And so instead, though, they may really, really wanna reconcile what people will often do is push you away again and further because they don't know how to face that their own guilt and shame.
Because what kind of person would do that to their own parent? That's where they come from. It's not the kid's fault that they've rejected you. Clearly they were being coerced. Right. But when they're alone with their own thoughts and thinking about all the wreckage, it can feel overwhelming for them.
Right. And the same thing can obviously happen when they've gone as far as to change a name. Can feel like An act betrayal, you know, and that's painful for somebody to realize that they have, you know, hurt somebody. They loved love. loneliness, isolation, abandonment, alienated kids, kind of how I just talked about a little earlier, often struggle with feelings of loneliness and , sense of abandonment, They feel abandoned by us as alienated parents, And also , by the alienating parent. They feel alone. they have to manage this loyalty conflict and how they temper their own.
Actions, behaviors, emotions, right? They, they're not living for themselves, they're living for the alienating parent. And sometimes even for you, just depending on what the situation is, right? That's how they feel. That's what they think is happening. But also from extended family connections that are lost as a result of changing the name. Right? Some alienated parent, like our extended family, grandparents aren't down with that. And when they go and do something as permanent as a name change, especially the older generations, they don't know how to deal with that.
And so they. Honestly wanna shut down and push them away too. Like that was the finals drop. They changed their name, forget it. I guess we're not associated then. So it can really feel like, cause this like sense of permanence between the both sides, you know? Um, of course there's long-term psychological impact because the emotional pain from alienation as it is compounded by the name change, um, can result in long-term low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, impaired relationships and even mental health challenges like depression and substance abuse it can just really compound the Emotional damage, like long-term psychological effects of alienation as it is, right? It can reinforce this whole confusion with the child's identity moving forward, that their feelings of guilt, um, and
making such a permanent change, which is by the way, reversible. I think that that's a valid point to make. You know, . If they change their name once, they can always change it again if they want,
but there are lasting scars, right? And it, it causes sometimes so much guilt in the child that it feels like it's irreversible, that it's like done. They can't, how do they even go back now? It can just feel really final for both us as the alienated parent and also for our kids,
. So now I wanna talk about what you can do about it.
avoid personalizing rejection, right? It's natural that you feel angry or deep pain and loss when, , a child wants to or has changed their name. But it's Please, please, please, please do not interpret this. As like an act against you as a personal attack. Okay. Alienated children, often they're coming from survival mode, right?
They're in freeze mode or likely fawn mode most of the time, So
they're acting and they don't even realizing it as a manager to these intense loyalty conflicts, and pressure from the alienating parent.
Any actions they take, or any words they say are solely coming from their internal struggles, which I know does not make you feel a warm and fuzzy right now like you wanna help them and you know that you can't, but. The way that you can help them through anything, any acting out or silence, or whatever it is that's going on, you can help them by maintaining compassion for their experience, right?
And Also reducing your reactivity, your urges to act coming from hurt. No matter what they're doing. You can offer unconditional love and forgiveness, and if they don't take it, that's okay. That's on them, you know, no matter how old they are.
But healing is much more likely when we as the alienated parent are consistently communicating that we love them, right? And that we are willing to forgive. And, well, I mean, I wouldn't necessarily always suggestive, I will forgive you no matter what. I wouldn't go there. But I think just having a forgiving attitude about all things that happen, um, is going to increase the chances of them wanting to come to you or, or them coming to you when they, they do have those overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame, because if they're already feeling guilt and shame and thinking, well, they're gonna hate me, , the odds are that they're not gonna come to you.
But if they are feeling guilt and shame and know that they can come to you because you've always earned. from now moving forward have been, , expressing the ability and also the desire to understand them and have compassion and forgiveness for anything that they do. The chances are way higher that they're gonna come to you.
, They're not gonna feel the disconnect between you because they know and will continue to know that you , accept and love them. You know? And that's really the thing is oftentimes we as parents, we wanna punish them. That's the final straw. They changed their name, fuck them. They've really done it now, out of hurt.
We vacate the relationship ourselves but doing that is going to lessen your chances of any sort of future reconciliation. And I know that, you know that, but I do think it's, it's really helpful for you to remind yourself in the moments when you're angry and you wanna act irrationally and reactively.
, It's okay to be hurt by this. Right? Of course, you're hurt if your child wants to change their name away from yours, if they want to exercise their independence and reinvent themselves, even to not be associated with you, of course you're hurt. That makes sense that you're hurt.
And when they have children and God forbid something like this, or they felt rejected in any way from their kids, you know, then they will hopefully understand that. But that's not for you to enforce as alienated parents. We don't, I don't even wanna say that we don't have the luxury, but I just don't think we can't parent effectively parent by. Using the rules that everybody else uses. , We're not the same as the neighbors down the street or as you know, whoever you compare your relationship where you're Oh, they have it normal. They have it normal.
It's not the same. We're not playing by those same rules. We, we, since the day that alienation started,
there are different ways to behave if you want to parent live harmoniously in your own life, you know, and with them. And one of the things is like many parents would wanna hold our kids accountable or, or let them know that there are repercussions for the actions that they take. Right. We wanna enforce some sort of punishment on them.
Punishment is the wrong word, but that's really what we're doing. No matter what, when we're reactively coming from hurt, we want them to know that what they're doing is not okay. Or what they've done is not okay. That is the, the final straw. You changed your name away from mine, not can't be repaired.
You've did it now. But coming from the hurt is not gonna get you where you wanna go. Because the reason I say it like this is because if, if it didn't really matter and you didn't actually want to reconnect in the future, then you wouldn't be hurt to begin with, right? So you can't say that I'm hurt and I'm angry with them and I don't ever wanna reconcile that.
It just, the odds of that, those two, having those two truths for real long term I don't know, it's just doesn't seem realistic to me. If you're hurt, then there is somewhere inside of you. Like deep down, like the real authentic you obviously is mourning the loss of the time that y'all spent and y'all's future that you thought you would have together.
So clearly, if there was a path forward, then you would probably get on that bus and taken and reconcile, right? So don't cut off your nose despite your face, basically, you know, your children. Adult children, kid, children, they need to know that they are not blamed. For the estrangement, for the alienation, for the disconnect between you and them. They need to know that they're not blamed. And you need to not only just tell them that if you are in communication with them, and not only just once, it may be repeatedly over and over and over again, but it really needs to be shown and seen by the way that you behave with them, around them.
You know, no passive aggressive behavior, no silent punishing, silent treatment, none of that Open arms when and if you're ready, and if you're not, then I would say just don't, I wouldn't be in communication with them until you are ready. That's my, I'm sure that there's instances where, please don't take that as a, a rule for me, because I know that there's instances where I would wanna disagree with what I just said, but otherwise, I think it's true.
I wouldn't. Ever, I don't think, advise an angry parent to go and start communicating with their, with their alienated child right now. Right. I'd wait till you could get to a place where you could offer unconditional love and forgiveness. Okay. Focus on stability and balance.
You want to be, and I know that you probably already have, 'cause I've talked to, I don't know how many alienated parents over the years. And that is almost always, that is the one thing that most parents will say is that they were their child's or children's source of grounding and continuity, And , integrity. And so I know that this is already something that you practice this is how you work, but be a source of emotional stability, reliability, and , non-judgmental support. Be that source for them because they don't get it anywhere else. Very few other places
even as an adult, they are still seeking congruence. They're still seeking , a sturdy, it's my word of the year. Sturdy sense of self and a sense of, balance, throughout their whole life. demonstrating healthy boundaries with them. Emotional regulation is really, really important if you are in any sort of communication with them, you know, uh, exchanging any sort of time, energy, space with them, demonstrating emotional regulation, how you do it is so, so helpful for them.
Because many kids, depending on when this all started, they don't know how to regulate. I didn't for so many years, oh my gosh, this was a problem. It still can be a problem for me regulating my emotions when I get quote unquote triggered, oh, it's a massive problem. And for when I was living unconsciously, I just thought that it was their fault for pissing me off.
I just, you know, flew off the handle. Well, it was their fault. They shouldn't have done that. You know, not understanding and standing in my power that like, no, I am responsible for my own emotional regulation and how I feel and how I behave. As a result of that. Showing them that is really, really valuable because they may not have ever witnessed that ever since leaving.
Um, your house if they don't live with you. And demonstrating also acceptance can provide a model for their own healing process. Right. It can show them their own way out. You could be providing them their roadmap for recovery, you know, healing from all this.
So that's really what I, the whole reason I do everything I do I help you guys because I know, 'cause I've experienced it. Right. And I still am experiencing it. And so I don't ever want any other alienated parent out there to feel alone or without resources, without, uh, emotional, , mental health support.
, That is it. But also too, I want to model to my daughter, and I know that you guys have heard me say this before, but I want to model to my daughter that she can and will be okay. You know, there is a way out you know, there's another way. there is healing, for her.
And so, yeah. Anyway, another thing that you can do is you can respect your child's autonomy, respect their own independence, no matter how old they are, even if they're five, give them, this is one thing that I know for me, like boomer parents, you know, like, um, my parents, they didn't, my, well at least maybe it was just my mom, but I think boomers in general, they didn't respect children's autonomy.
Children pretty much belonged, were property of their parents. At least that, that's my experience anyway. we didn't learn how to, Have our own sense of self. So showing that modeling that to them. Now, if and when you do have exchanges with them, can feel so freeing for them because they definitely don't have it.
When they're in a loyalty conflict, the one thing that they don't have is autonomy. So if you give them, no matter what the other parent is giving them, you know, if they're tied to them by money and whatever, if you show them and demonstrate and give them, hold the space for them to have and exercise their own autonomy, you are giving them the keys to the universe.
Do you know what I'm saying? It is a kind of freedom that money can't buy you, that nothing else can buy you. They haven't had a say in anything since the Sal Nation started really,
Respecting their decision to change their name, especially as an adult, letting them, do what they're gonna do, without attempting to guilt them to control, to pressure them, to silently punish them about their choices That can deepen alienation, ?
silently punishing or outwardly punishing them, that can just Give them one more reason. To turn away from you because it's just going to prove in their minds what the other parent has been saying about you all this time. Allowing them to do what they do. Like I said earlier, the name change doesn't have to be permanent.
They may wake up, you know, however months, years from now and decide that was silly. I don't know why I did that. They can go and change it back if they wanted to. I know it's painful for you, but respecting their individuality and their right to make decisions about their own identity. Is necessary if you wanna rebuild, So just gently affirming your ongoing presence in love, just dripping love, you know, and allowing them to experience, have their experience while offering them understanding and, , compassion. Also, another thing you can do is just try to understand the deeper dynamics, right? Not just here in this episode, but go and do your own Googling and research on why kids might do this, , once we understand something, we don't fear it so much, and that to me, actually this. mulling over this and actually doing some Googling and, thinking about alternatives and all the things over the last week or so has really helped me to let go of any fear, remaining fear that, that I did have around this name change, a possible name change.
Really seek to understand the, the dynamics, the deep dynamics that are happening within your child in this whole loyalty conflict that they're experiencing. Once you understand it, you don't fear it and you can lean into it. it won't be a fear anymore. You can free yourself, so that's probably should be number one that you should do, that you could do to start feeling better about it.
Just seek to understand and learn about your child's experience, because that's really when all the hurt comes, is when we're not understanding, when we're not understanding, and we want them to understand us. That's really the deal is like, we are like, no, they shouldn't do that.
They should know better. They should know that there's, repercussions to the actions that they take. This is so permanent, right? We want them to understand us, but that's gonna get you nowhere except for silence, you know, a blackout from them. So instead, I wanna understand them, right?
For me, my daughter, I wanna understand her experience. Even if she's not sharing her experience with me. I wanna go and do the research and understand why she's behaving the way she's doing, or what she might be feeling when she's going to do something, like a name changer, whatever it is that's going on with her, me understanding that offers, compassion comes so easy to me.
empathy, all the lovey feelings come easier, They come so much more freely to me when I'm wanting to learn. You know, it's when we close off, shut down and say, that was fucked up. I'm gonna judge, I'm gonna point fingers. And they shouldn't have done that.
They need to respect me. Of course, that's gonna, magnify your whole experience, right? It will continue your pain and suffering. And just like I was talking about last week, when we have that take, that is part , of one of those summaries that we will continue to tell to ourselves and look back in our past for evidence to support that new summary that you have.
And it will become part of your identity and that part of identity, like that hurt and angry and they should know better. And I'm writing them off. That causes a lot of pain in the long run. Some parents would say, oh no, it doesn't cause any pain. 'cause now I'm shut off to that. No, I'm telling you. You're never shut off to something when you're holding something, resisting something, or pushing it away like that.
I don't need them anymore. I'm telling you, it's only compounding the grief that you will experience at some point. Opening up to it, seeking to understand and learn is all always going to free you from the core out. Okay? So I'm not saying that changing their name is fine and dandy and they should, of course.
Let's just support them in all the things I'm not. I am saying that, but I also know that there's reasons for you to be upset. Of course you're upset. Of course you are. It feels like a betrayal and that they're turning their back on you and they want nothing to do with you, but it really. Really just keep reminding yourself that why they're doing this has very little to do with you actually.
And it really has to do with them trying to control, find a sense of control and autonomy in the chaos that they're experiencing inside of them. They're just trying to get away from the pain and the conflict that they think you are causing, that they associate with you.
It's the only reason they associate it with you is because the alienating parent has made it that way. Yes, it's unfair, but knowing this, knowing this is gonna help you to open up to them no matter what. It's going to help you to provide that safe haven nest for them to come back to at some point.
You know? So, um, also, listen, if you're really having trouble with this and you just can't get over it, and it's just, you're so angry and pent up, I always will say to. Seek some help. Whether it's with me as a coach who understands alienation or whether that's with a, a, a counselor, a licensed counselor, um, specializes in grief, specializes in family systems.
Talk with somebody, and impartial third party that you can just get all this out. The reason why we harden up like that is 'cause we keep it, we resist it, we push it down, and we don't get, get any clarity about our own emotions that we're feeling. And like I said in the beginning and also talked about last week.
That's really so much of it. It's like over half of the battle is us really naming what the problem is for us. 'cause we can just say, oh, they changed their name and I don't like that. A sign of disrespect and that's wrong and no parent should accept that and blah, blah blah. But is that really what the problem is for you or is there something deeper?
Let's get into it. Is it just 'cause that's your idea or is it because you're saying to yourself that my kid is doing this to get away from me. Like really name it? What's the problem for you? Not what everybody would have a problem with, but why is this a problem for you? And once you become aware of that, gain some understanding about that, then you're able to use that problem.
You think that, that you're experiencing right now as your roadmap, your steps to get out of it, to to, to take your power back. Okay. And I can show you how to do that in sessions with me, but Otherwise focusing on your healing and resilience, Instead of focusing on what they are doing and their lack of love giving to in your direction, focus on the love that you give to yourself and to all the other people in your life and also that you send to your children.
Focusing on the actions that you take will keep you busy enough if you're doing it wholeheartedly, that you will never really need anybody else to behave a certain way. If you are showing and giving and focusing on how you can give love and it feels so much better anyway, I'm telling you, it feels so much.
Yes, receiving love is necessary and it's fantastic to receive love, but when you are the one giving it, it is everything, even if you're giving it from afar. You give them love, even if you're not having exchanges by the way that you think about them, by the way that you, you see them and their actions are non-action.
You find ways to love them no matter what through it, the way that you think, as opposed to resisting them and pushing them away. Okay? So yeah, it sucks when kids wanna do this when adult kids, kids, kids, whatever it is, it's not personal. It's not an attack on you personally. It is a symptom of a much bigger problem in the family dynamic and your kids are in pain when they're doing something like this.
Most of the time, I would say I would wanna guarantee that. Usually don't take drastic measures like this un unless they're in pain. And you focusing on what you can control and how you can support them is going to be your best bet and your best surefire way to support them, like, to help them throughout it.
Like you just focus on how you're extending love, extending a hand, extending acceptance, encouragement. All the things. Keep focusing on that. It's okay. They do what they do, but I'm focusing on how I can. It's like I make it a game for myself sometimes too. You guys know that I kind of like games, but how can I look at this and accept it? Like, what, how can I see this as a way to like really lean into love?
You know, how can I take this? This is crazy. Like, this is like one of the most extreme things. How can I see this in a way that really, really, removes me from anger and from all the icky feelings, you know, without running from it. So, okay, you guys, I hope that helped. Um, those of you out there that are experiencing pain and or fear as a result of your children wanting or have already changed their names, okay, with that, I shall go.
I need to go edit this 'cause I need to release it today, so you'll have a lovely day. Take care. Bye.
