🔥 You've read the books, done therapy, listened to podcasts...so why does NOTHING change?

 

If you're an alienated parent stuck in the same patterns despite your best efforts, this episode reveals why—and exactly how to break free.

What You'll Learn:

 

✅ The hidden gap between who you WANT to be vs. who your nervous system BELIEVES you are

✅ Why your reality mirrors your subconscious identity (not your intentions or desires)

✅ The 4-phase identity shift method that creates lasting transformation

✅ How to stop self-sabotaging when things finally start going well

✅ Why emotional triggers and behavioral loops keep you stuck in survival mode

 

Key Topics Covered:

 

• Identity vs. Personality: Understanding your "operating system"

• Why alienated parents struggle with visibility, receiving, and abundance

• Memory reconditioning to shift your story and expectations

• Creating nervous system safety for post-traumatic growth

• Behavioral proof: Taking aligned action (not waiting for confidence)

• Building a loving relationship with your child TODAY (even during alienation)

 

Perfect for: Alienated parents, estranged parents experiencing parental alienation, family estrangement, parent-child estrangement, anyone healing from narcissistic abuse and working on trauma recovery.

 

🎯 The truth: Until you restructure your identity at the subconscious level, all the self-help in the world won't create lasting results. This episode gives you the roadmap.

 

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

  On we go to the   📍 📍 📍 episode.

 

Introduction: Why Change Isn't Happening for Alienated Parents

Have you ever had that moment? I'm sure you have, at least. I know I had many of them. , Where you were staring at your life thinking, I've read the books, I've done therapy, I listened to this podcast, and maybe others every week.  So why does it still feel like nothing is really changing in my life?  Maybe you swore you were done chasing your ex.

Through text thread drama, right? But there you are distracted at work because you're rehearsing the same arguments in your head over and over, or rewriting texts or emails. However, it's  and it feels impossible to quit because,  because,  or you promised yourself that you would start the book the business a blog perhaps.

Maybe it was something else. Either way only to watch another month or year go by with the exact same blank page or zero result,  it's not because you don't want it badly enough. I'm sure that you can feel how badly you want it, like in your bones. You know how badly you want this change for yourself,  What I see over and over with my brand new clients, and I with myself too, back in the day, right, um, is the, this really painful gap between their stated identity and the identity that their everyday patterns are quietly revealing about their identity, about the identity that they still hold on paper.

Or they'll tell me that they're not angry, that they're done with victim hood, right? Feeling like a victim. they're ready to move forward, what have you, right? But in practice, their patterns tell a very different story. So today we're gonna talk about that story, not in a shammy, you're doing it wrong sort of way, but in a, let's finally see what's actually running the show here, sort of way.

 until you understand who your nervous system actually believes that you are,  all of the effort, all of the insight, all of the intention in the world will keep you landing in the same exact place with the same exact

The Identity Gap: Who Alienated Parents Want to Be vs Who They Are

results.

  📍 📍 So let's start by looking at how your life, your relationships, your money, your court experiences, and all your day-to-day habits , are already revealing your current identity, whether you've been aware of it or not. So most people, including myself, go after the end result. ? And during the trauma, during or after the trauma? During the trauma, let's say during the trauma of alienation. 

We want to change the circumstance because we believe that when we do that, that the problem will be eliminated,  Like if they would just stop, blah, blah, blah. If my child would just blah, blah, blah,  Then all of my problems would be gone I would be happy and I could go on living my life, 

this is over and over. This is what I hear about. I just need to change that. How do I get them to stop? Or how do I get them to start whatever. And you can, you can probably create those results for yourself for a short period of time, but it feels more like, and I'm gonna talk about this later. It's gonna, it's gonna feel inconsistent.

It is inconsistent, it's gonna feel like a fluke. Or that you're always like, uh, you know, I always use this example, but I think about like the cartoons where. Somebody's carrying like a pile of that's like sky high pile of like plates or something, and there's somebody else that's underneath them. Like, whoa.

Well, trying to catch and eliminate

the disaster before it happens, you know,  it's never predictable that way to change the immediate circumstance that life is handing you.  

The problem with that, wanting the circumstances to change is that your outcomes that you have in your life are, or that you will have in your life are always the direct result of the subconscious thoughts and beliefs that you hold.

You've heard this from me thousands of times. Likely if you've been listening, for a while, this is your, you wanna think about your subconscious thoughts and beliefs, the ones that you really, they go unnoticed. They fly under the radar. This is your operating system.

Your operating system is your, it's subconsciously run is what it is because of your identity. It's who you think you are, not who you say you wanna be, but who you down deep believe that you are and how the world works for you and your, um, thresholds, like limits and like upper limits, lower limits, all the things, right?

Here's the thing

Identity vs Personality: Understanding Your Operating System as an Alienated Parent

though.  📍 📍

📍 identity, right? Your subconscious identity and your personality, how you show up in the world are two different things. Like for me, my whole life, I have been outgoing, Spunky a little bit sarcastic, very hands-on, fast paced, a lot of times, a little bit of, know-it-all, sometimes loud and probably a little bit much for most people or a lot of people, okay? That's just who I, I believed for a long time that that's who I was. That's who I, this is who I am,

but that all of those things that I just described were expression, they were my personality. I was expressing, it's sort of like an art form, right? This is how I showed up in the world. It was, I can't say it was necessarily all performance because it wasn't, it was expression. It's how I showed the world who I was.

Right? But that's different than my underlying system. That's, that's which is my identity. How I showed up in the world and my actual, my beliefs about myself. And I'm sure that you know that this is true for you too. Sometimes aren't, they don't cross over, they're different, right? We show up one way, happy, smiley, whatever, but underneath it's not.

You show up as if, for me, I used to just, if I believed, um, all the good things about the world, and I remember too, like in young adulthood, I grew, you know, it depends on how you grew up. But for me, I grew up be having to be an adult a little bit, or I don't even wanna say having to be  I adapted to being more adult, acting more adult than I actually was on the inside,  But that was all expression. What was underneath was something different. So I would always express  all the things that I wanted to be, or I knew to be right for myself, right? I would talk bigger than who I really believed in my core I was.

And that's, that's the difference between personality, your expression identity, which is like your core, operating system.  So identity is the instruction, the rule book, the handbook for how you live, And how you show up in the world, in your patterning.

, So if you notice that your reality, the results that you're getting in your life aren't matching where you want to be,  like you want to be the most successful evolved version of yourself, who, Has this great morning schedule and you know, you wake up at 5:00 AM and you, get all these things done. You're super like Instagram sort of accomplished.   but then when it comes down to it, you sleep until 10:00 AM or you, drink or stay up late the night before and things just aren't matching up the way you wanted.

You've got all these bombs blowing up in your whole life. It makes sense why, and that is because  your reality, all of the outcomes, results that you have in your life mirrors your identity, not your personality, not your desires, and not your intention.  Your intentions can be ball to the wall like amazing,

I want this for myself, I want that. And they could be really true, , but until you actually shift your true beliefs, your subconscious beliefs about who you are. To be congruent, to align, to align with where you wanna be. It's going to keep feeling like when you do create the result that you either have won the lottery or it's gonna be frustrating because you can't create the result and you don't know why your actions like you see, I know I used to beat myself up all the time because I'm like, I really wanna wake up early in the morning.

I'm using the the morning routine. 'cause it was, I just brought it up once. I really wanna wake up early in the morning and I just don't know why I can't. Everybody else can do it. Why is it that I keep failing? Well, that's because my identity, the person that I was deep down at that time was the person who didn't follow through.

So of course I wasn't gonna follow through with my intention to wake up early in the morning. Does that make sense? So this is one of the biggest growth dollars, if that's a word. With my new clients, with my brand new clients, they'll come into session with me like the first one or two sessions, or even in the Clarity call, giving me their ideal thinking versions of themselves, 

I used to get so tripped up by this from like me as the coach, because I knew on one level that they were in pain and they reached out to me for a reason, right? Yet when we got down to doing the work on beliefs and their self-concept, they would always be giving me the quote unquote right answers. And I was like, well, what are we here for?  Not to them, it's not their fault. I mean, it's completely understandable, , that they're giving me the, the right answers based on what I just shared with you guys, 

 

But it's also entirely ineffective for our sessions, right? The productivity of our sessions, and it's disruptive to the whole process. Again, no shame on them, right? This is just, I think maybe like a human tendency. I'm not sure, but I know that so many of my brand new clients will show up like this, and I probably did back in the day too.

It's a couple things that goes on there. I think there's like the ego, um, and meeting somebody new, and so you wanna tell, show them your, the best side of you, right? But when it comes to our relationship, our coaching relationship, that's actually like, I always wanna see their best sides, but that's not gonna get us where we wanna go.

It's not gonna get you the real results, right?  basically what I'm saying is, is if this is you, it's not your fault that you're doing it.  You're and my, the, the brand new clients that have done it,  they're doing it because they're in resistance to their own identity. Their current identity.  Your identity doesn't have to stay the same.

It can be malleable. Permeable. You can shift it for sure, but it, this is something that doesn't happen overnight. So they're in resistance to their own identity and it's, there's a great amount of dissonance going on inside of them. So one of two things will happen with , these clients that, um, continue to give me the right answers all the time.

 

One, they either begin to understand that by acknowledging their embedded beliefs that we can, the client and I can work with them, which takes a willingness to get and be vulnerable. Right. Which your ego isn't a fan of what I just kind of talked about a second ago, that's of course the, the best case scenario, or they fluctuate in and out of states of being that resemble who and what they want. they achieve a couple desirable outcomes, but it feels more like luck or a fluke.

It's temporary. it's short-lived because they did the work on more of a surface level, like in session with me. They came up with the right answers. They were living the. The desired version of them, And they, maybe they did a couple homework assignments, but they weren't doing the daily work that's required, which is not much.

It's five to 10 minutes a day. But it's the daily work that's required to get into the subconscious programming your, your operating system, they were sporadic attempts, you know, so then they wonder why they're still getting the same results , or the results they get aren't consistent, right?

It feels more, like I said, like more like winning the lottery or like a fluke, or it was just, they got lucky.  This is because reality doesn't respond to your

Why Reality Mirrors Your Identity Not Your Desires

desire.

  📍 📍 Reality is what it is because of your identity. You see what you see, you, reap the benefits or the results of, whatever it is that you do because of the way that you believe that you fit into the world and how the world works for you and what you're capable of, what your upper and lower limits are, where your safety barriers are, if you will.

 identity, like I said already, is subconscious. your subconscious will filter reality through the expectations that your identity has set up, and that probably started from early on. If you've never really done identity work, then likely you've just been building on the one operating system.

All the way through, right? And like with my clients, what we do is we destabilize and dismantle that whole system and take a look at it and decide what's working and what's not recognizing. Well, I'll get into that in a minute. But anyway.  If you believe that you're the person who struggles right in any capacity, your identity will go to work.

Lining up obstacles and placing you in situations that feel impossible.  so your identity's expectations. The expectations that you have going flying way underneath the radar are going to determine the outcomes that you receive. You're going to align yourself. This is why, like, um, people always wonder why they self-sabotage.

This is why,  your identity, will do whatever it takes to keep things congruent, to keep things fluid across all of your life,  So if you believe you're one way, it's going to show up on the outside.

I've said this to you guys before, like you can always tell, , what somebody believes about themselves and about their life based on the outcomes or the results they currently have in their life. Okay. It's the same thing. I'm just saying it in a different way.  So if you notice that everything's just peachy for a period of time, this is just another example and you start to feel uneasy, which is another

Self-Sabotage for Alienated Parents: Why Chaos Feels Safer Than Peace

common thing that I hear,  📍

📍 📍 this is because you are the person who chaos follows.   📍 So you subconsciously will self-sabotage in order to keep things aligned with who you believe that you are On a subconscious level.

I read an article, uh, just recently that the, the guy wrote, the subconscious does not respond to surface level desires. It executes instructions installed at the identity level. This is true.  even though you think that your urge to go overeat, to drink, to smoke, to shop, to social media, stalk, whatever it is, is just that it's some urge or craving.

It's actually not the whole story. 

The urge is there because your identity says that   📍 📍 I am the person who blank.  That's what it believes about you. So it's going to align all actions, all thoughts, all beliefs to that.  So even though you're doing the thing that you didn't wanna do or not doing the thing that you do wanna do, which can cause shame, disappointment, lack of self-trust and all the things, you probably notice that when you go and settle the urge, answer the urge, do the thing, go drink, go shop, go whatever.

Social media stock. You'll notice that your central nervous system will kind of settle like you're like, ah. This feels good. This feels you. It's because it's like this return back to homeostasis, if you will. It's because you're the choice that you're making.  whatever urge that you, uh, answered there, that choice is stabilizing and reinforcing to your identity.

Okay? That's why. So even if it's something bad, you're like, why do I feel so good when I'm doing something bad? Isn't that a quote from something? Being bad feels so good.  This is why, because it's stabilizing for who you believe that you are.  , and because reality mirrors what your identity stabilizes, around you go with the same outcomes again and again. 

Phase 1 Awareness: Why Self-Improvement Fails for Alienated Parents 📍 📍 📍

So what's the solution? It's to restructure your identity at the base level. At the, core operating system level.  And it starts with, you guys have heard me talk about this probably ad nauseum starts with awareness.  This is sort of the dismantling or destabilization phase that I briefly mentioned a little bit ago, with new clients, what we do is we dismantle their whole belief systems. Take it apart and look at it.  This is essential to the identity shift because without it, your results, your outcomes, your, top three emotions that you're feeling on a daily basis, they'll be fleeting.  With all, all four of these steps, but it starts with awareness.

so this is, like I said, it's the destabilization phase of the current or old identity,  your current ID cannot shift, While it flies under your conscious radar, it cannot, there's nothing you can do if you are not, like I was talking about with brand new clients that come to session with me and they are, telling me all the things that, the right answers about how they wanna act, how they actually behave, all those things.

Many times the reason they're giving me these answers is because there's a dissonance, but because those answers are what they want and what they're willing to believe, oops.. About themselves, okay?  It's not sinister, it's not bad, it's nothing. It's just that all the other stuff. The, blueprints, if you will, are way underneath consciousness.

 But again, the easiest way to tell what your identity says about who you are, what your blueprints are, is look at the results that you have in your life.  And I know as soon as I say this, people go, are you trying to blame me for alienation? No, I'm not trying to blame you for alienation. I don't wanna blame anybody for anything.

It's not about blame. . It's about becoming aware of what patterns are showing up in your life.  It's not just something like, yeah, I know that. I believe that money doesn't come easy for me. That's just stating what you already believe. Many people think, well, yeah, I already know that. I believe that I've, I mean, I already know that I believe I'm not worthy.

Alright, we've done the work, let's move on. Because it's uncomfortable to look at that, right? And what, what, and at least with me, we don't sit in it and make it miserable. In fact, I think it's actually kind of fun and I think some of my clients would probably attest to that. it's exciting because you, it is, you're learning about yourself and you're learning how the patterns are showing up in your life.

So that, then you can learn how to create new ones. I'd say it is exciting. But anyway, so it's not just recognizing that these are your patterns, that's just stating what you already believe, which reinforces your current identity. And then of course, outcomes,   📍 📍 it involves being acutely aware of the patterning.

 Which your identity expectations are responsible for developing. Again, all really low key. You don't even realize it's going on, but you just notice that you have the same cravings or urges or relationships or financial troubles over and over and over again. This is why, so you wanna recognize patterns over a period of time, which is why if you've ever attended a clarity call with me, I have suggested doing the six month program over the three month offering that I have, which the three month offering, and I'll tell this to you in my, the clarity call I give you all the same tools.

The deal with the six month is, is we have more time, you and me to explore where your identity. Gremlins, if you will, are showing up.  I don't love that. I've said it like that. That's a coaching term that I learned years and years ago, and I don't love it because I don't want to put that, the image, there's, there's nothing about you that's bad or gremlin like, okay, it's, but you know what I'm saying?

It's just like these whack-a-mole stubborn beliefs that you might have about yourself, and it does take time.  This is just how your brain works. You can't just fix it overnight. You can't just be like, oh, okay, I'm aware of it now let's change it because it's that then you're doing it at the surface conscious level and that your identity is cannot shift from a conscious approach only.

Anyway, so that's why price the six month package more attractively than I do the three month package because I really want the best outcome for you long term, like with staying power. So that the idea is that you never need to go to anywhere again, unless you want to like to another coach or therapy or wherever.

You'll have all the tools and you'll know how to manage your mind from there. Now, some of my clients do, uh, continue on for, uh, goals that they're wanting to reach and what have you, but we don't, that's not, that's besides the point right now that just remind me of, um, airplane That's not important right now.

So we're looking for repeating patterns, like I was saying, like relationship dynamics that spanned across partners, Like how is it that why has your role been the same? And it just ends up those people, each time you thought you were picking someone new, but you still ended up feeling the very same way and or with the same external results, another area is financial pains, right? Financial, upper limit ceilings that keep hanging around for you. So you keep noticing, and some people call this, intergenerational, , or sorry, transgenerational trauma. Generational trauma curse. Some people say generational curse. That's because what you saw that your parents were financially capable of many times will transfer over to, kids, to us. and the same thing for our parents.

And on the non back in history, we go and it could continue to go on with our own kids could Right? Until, unless you want to change that by changing your patterns. Right. Stopping the, the cycle.  So I just got like super tired. It's that time of day, it's three o'clock and I'm like, whew. Deflate. Um, okay,  some of the areas that you can look at, like as far as patterning goes, in your, the awareness, we're still in awareness.  📍 📍

Emotional Triggers and Behavioral Patterns for Alienated Parents

Is your emotional activation areas, or you, some people call it triggers, One of the biggest ones for us, I'm just gonna name a couple. There are so many different quote unquote triggers that we can have, but one of the biggest ones I know for us is  being out there in the world visible, which causes many of us as alienated parents or strange parents, crippling anxiety,  Like being out there is in our minds, and maybe it's proven to be. So, um, just know too that when I'm saying this, I'm not urging all of you to go out there and be visible right away if that's not what's, um, good for you right now. Especially if you're in the first, like, if you're in a, still active turmoil and court proceedings and stuff like that, I'm not urging you guys to go out there and do fight through your anxiety and.

Get the courage up and go get yourself out visible. I'm not saying that, but I just know that this was an area, a trigger area for many parents like us. Okay. And there is a way to, to, um, move through that without putting yourself in danger anyway, especially when it comes to your ex and whoever else. but many of us will think that it's all dangerous, I did for a long time and they, anyway, I could go into that for, I mean, I could do a whole segment on fear and, um, exposure triggers, right? But let's not for right now, or visibility triggers I should say. another area of emotional activation for a lot of us is shame and guilt pertaining to earning or receiving.

If we are the people that were overlooked in our lives, like if you were the a person that as a child you weren't given, or if you were given, then you would usually fawning would happen afterwards. For you that was the behavior, that kept you feeling safe, Then this might have gone on into the rest of your life, into your adult life. 

📍 📍 Another area is in your like behavioral loops. Like if you are okay. For me, this is an easy one to, to do because for I procrastinator, like there would be, um, opportunities.

That I could create for myself and that were already sort of showing up in my life. But then I would over, um, consume and pre prepare in order to, seize the opportunity. But I would procrastinate for such a long period of time in the prep period that the opportunity just fluttered away.

So that's one loop that you could have.

 

So another one that I've actually become more aware of today than I ever was, I will make some goal. , For me right now, it's like with work, I'll make some goal and then I'll rest on my laurels I'll just like retract and not do, and so I like open up, expand and uh, evolve myself.

And then I'll be like, alright, cool, now I can chill, which only puts me basically right back to where I started. It gets me on this other plateau. And you can apply this in any area that you like. It doesn't just have to be financial or work area. So loops, behavioral loops that you, that happen for you over and over again, and noticing where those show up in your life across all the different relationships, financial,

safety, all the things.   📍 📍 Another area that we look at with my clients, you know, is your upper limit enforcement. Okay? So when life begins to exceed what is you believe is possible for you, your identity, what, who you are inside, like your operating system

will begin to activate correction behaviors. Okay? So I kind of touched on this a little bit ago, but like if you notice that your income becomes unstable, conflict arises for you out of nowhere, that health starts to decline. The opportunities start to fall through. Many times these things are happening because your identity isn't aligned with where you're headed.

Where you wanna be headed. So you'll get to a goal and then all of a sudden something will fall through. Right?  And it's not by accident or because you're doomed.   📍 📍 📍 I have an, um, a previous client who I haven't spoken to with in a while, and this was happening quite a bit and I really had hoped he would.

He actually, um, uh, you know, the client that I was talking about earlier, like the kind of client that I was talking about earlier, this happened with him throughout his sessions with me. He was still fighting. There was this dissonance inside of him between what he wanted to be and who, um, he currently was.

And so he never really overcame that because he had some really strong, fears and beliefs about showing up authentically. And that's okay. It's not a problem. That's what he could handle at the time. and so anyway, for him, I know, uh, recently there was all these things blowing up in his life, and this is not because he just has bad luck or bad things just happen for him, or he is the eternal martyr.

You know, it's not that at all. It's that his identity hasn't caught up with his desires and his intentions yet.  

your subconscious is always going to restore without you even becoming aware of it. Many times it will always restore the equilibrium in your identity. So if things look too good for you, it's going to feel uneasy for you and then you're gonna, without even realizing it, blow something up or not show up, or it's going to seem random, but it's going to, then whatever happens is going to align with your current identity, who you believe you are and what, how the world works for you. 

And it'll feel more, um, safe for you even though you may not like it. It'll feel, you'll feel it's familiar,  So the awareness having the awareness, begins to interrupt your automated programming. Without this work, your attempts to change actually reinforce your existing machine.  Lemme say this again. Without this work, without becoming acutely aware of the patterning and what you believe about yourself and being let forthright with it, even just with yourself, your attempts to change will actually reinforce your existing operating system or machine.  I teach this extensively, this part to my habits clients, clients that are wanting to drop a habit, okay? But anyway, now. 

 

Creating Nervous System Safety: Trauma Recovery for Alienated Parents

📍 📍 📍 The second part of this whole process is for you to recondition your emotional world. And so one part of that is downregulation.

So if you are coming from trauma oftentimes my clients will come to me still in a bit of nervous system activation, right? Extended freeze or maybe oscillating between fight, flight, freeze, back up, fight, flight, freeze, over and over depending on what's going on for you and how much you've processed through.

So it's really important, um, after we've gone through the awareness and sort of taken a look at what's going on for you, we gotta create safety. In your world, you have to feel safe in order for identity to budge even an inch. When you are in stress response, like activated state, your identity is,

it is a very rigid state because it's an emergency mode and it's gonna shut down all of the areas that you need in order to recalibrate, if you will. Your subconscious has to learn that the new states of mind, your new, the desired identity. that, that is not dangerous. It has to learn that it's safe.

We can't do it through some sort of like cognitive, um, repair, if you will, like looking at how you're thinking about things. And I know I speak that with you guys a lot, but it's not just about that. Just like change the way that you're saying things to yourself.   📍 📍 It's creating, , a safe space for you to gradually expand yourself without overwhelm.

So it's just piecemeal. Doing step by little baby steps to create safety, peace, and evidence for your subconscious that the world is safe for you again. Right.  It's like I'm watching that show right now. It's um, which is getting kind of dark in season two. But anyway, it's um, that show Paradise and they've all sort of stepped out.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's basically like the world ends and it's, um, kind of yeah. Many of them have been living in this bunker, um, for like 10 year period. And then some of them have survived. Though the Bunker, people don't know that there are survivors out there, but the people that have survived out in the world that has like gone through this basically, uh, nuclear apocalypse, if you will, those people were holed up.

The one the survivors were holed up for. Years, right? And they're just now inching out because the weather has gotten to the point where it's manageable now and they're just peeking themselves out like inch by inch. And I kind of liken this to what happens with like, the process of creating safety during your expansion, you know, I hope I'm articulating that the way that I'm imagining it in my head, but, um, whatever.   📍 📍 So back to where I was as far as downregulation doing it. Somatically we work on, um, oftentimes depending on the client, we'll work on some of the practices that I talk with you guys about , in these episodes, right? With like vagal toning practices and breathing and, practices that show physiological safety or demonstrate, physiological safety to the body. When the body finally gets out of being hyper aroused and being out of, hyper hypervigilance, 

it no longer feels dangerous to change who you are because have you ever noticed that, like you hold onto these beliefs that you really don't want to, but those beliefs feel so much safer. Safer. Like it feels safer to believe that the world is dangerous. And that people are always gonna screw you, even though it's terrible and it causes such awful results for you.

I will talk with people, clients, not in clients, usually this happens with, um, in clarity calls where they really want to defend their, their right to be miserable and to feel on edge and that the world is dangerous. They'll do whatever it takes to, to try to convince me to believe them that the world is dangerous, but it's at their own, um, expense demise sometimes to believe that.

So why are you holding on to defending yourself to something that's really hurting you? Well, this is why, because identity, your identity feels that it's unsafe to let go of anything like that until you finally,

when you gradually undergo like exposure therapy to those things, to the expansion states. This allows your central nervous system to recalibrate capacity, your tolerance, for bigger, more. abundance.  📍 📍

The next thing that we look at is your emotional processing.

It's difficult to grow with any sort of staying power when you've carried un, when you're carrying unprocessed trauma, moving through things like shame, fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, and continuing to move through grief will dissolve the sting associated with growth. Okay.

  📍 📍

Memory Reconditioning for Alienated Parents: Shifting Your Story

The other thing that we work on, this is a d If you're looking for looking at reconditioning, your world part.

D is your ability to have, to get to, receive, to earn even gifts. Compliments money, emotional support, attention learning how to receive will teach your nervous system. How to be okay with cultivating abundance. 📍 📍  

Another area that we work on is, this is part E, is your psychological safety. The world and my environment are safe.

I am safe, right? This means you aren't living in danger zones inside, your feed. You're like, social media feed isn't giving you, providing you, feeding you emergency content.  One of my clients, and I know you're probably listening right now, you know that I just made a comment, uh, remark about this this weekend.

She sent me and she does on occasion, she'll send me some, um, danger like warning sort of post or like, this is why your kids are la, la la and it feels so like sinister and like beware, Social media posts. If your social media pages are filled with that kind of, , content. Right. All the danger.

Warning, beware. This is why you know the sinister stuff about what's going on with you. Your nervous system, dysregulated nervous system will be like, yes, give me more. This will create safety. Safety. The danger. Me paying attention to danger is smart, but it's not, it's not smart at all. I mean, it's nice to know some of those things right off the bat when this first all happens.

But you continuing to receive this stuff is going to keep you like with a string from the alienating parent or your children or whoever, or any sort of abuser out there, like you're gonna be attached to them like they're puppeting you because all you're doing is learning. You're keeping your mind on what they're doing.

What the alienating parent is doing, what the kids are doing, what they're, all of that, you know, which is awful for you. On a deep, deep level, it's going to keep you in survival mode. Okay? So you wanna, your psychological, , safety is one thing that we wanna reinstall. Reprogram, recalibrate.  when you feel that your community, your relationships in your general everyday life offers low or no threat, your hyper vigilance obviously lowers, okay?

Which in turn will allow your identity to shift successfully. Long-term with staying power, like it can actually shift any other way. Isn't really your identity shifting, it's just these that, uh, your personality or your, uh, desires. Your intentions, 📍   📍 Part F is reconditioning your memories. This is a big one.

Especially for my clients. You guys know this reconditioning your memories or your story memories are all built on perception and they're ever changing. I know I just did an episode somewhat about this, like how our memories, they don't stay the same. They shift, your memories will shift with each time that you tell them.

Your perception will shift with your mood and based on all of everything I just mentioned before to today or the lack of it.

Um, but when you revise your story, the recount that you have of all of events, it shifts your subconscious expectations. . It shifts. What you expect to be happening in today and in near future, which as we've already gone over, will transform your future thoughts and actions, right?

Therefore your identity. So if you believe that, like I said, way in the beginning, that the world is dangerous or the world offers you chaos or that you're not worthy of receiving true love you will actually shift your actions to align with being the person that is the have not, that chaos follows that all the things, right? But when you're no longer in survival mode, mode, your identity, rigidity, softens.

becomes plastic again. So that you can work with it. Like I'm thinking like Play-Doh right now or something. But you can work with not Play-Doh, uh, silly putty, you know? Um, and even more so than that, silly putty still feels hard to me. This is more like the world is your oyster and you can pick off of a platter and decide who you want to be from this point, but it cannot happen, cannot happen when you're still in survival mode or bouncing in and out of it.

You have to create safety for yourself first on the cellular level, like deep level, okay? And that's what my program, um, does for you guys, just by the way that, just with the method that I use. Okay? 📍

  📍

Phase 3: Behavioral Proof - Taking Aligned Action as an Alienated Parent

So behavioral proof, this is part three of four parts that you must do in order to shift your identity, I've had parents ask before is this just cognitive work? Just semantics, Is this, all that says is we're just changing the words that we're using and that's it. My response is always, yes, it is that, but it's not just cognition. it's Pattern recognition, just as we talked about before. It's emotional tolerance work as we talked about just a minute ago. 

📍 And then there must also be must be aligned action. Aligned action. This is the evidence portion.  thought work alone will not reprogram your subconscious.

The subconscious survives on collected evidence. Action that aligns with your new identity can prove to, will prove to your subconscious that it's safe, that the new identity is safe, and that the action is safe, right? Because you've collected evidence to prove it. , It's not about outcome though. This is where people get stuck. They think, well, if I didn't, like, let's say one of my clients is doing, holding some sort of seminar, right? They're doing, doing service work, giving back to alienated parents, right?

They think, well, if I didn't get a good turnout, then I failed. This is what I thought before too. The first time I ever did a live event, oh God, what a nightmare that was, and I could have taken that evidence. I'll use my example 'cause it's easier

I could have taken the evidence that one person showed up and that was even a calamity because it's a whole story, but I don't need to go there. That, that I failed. Right. Or that I was doing it wrong. I, that I've got nothing of importance to say. I thought all three of those things. Oh my gosh. I have nothing to say.

Nobody likes me. They already saw through me, even though they'd never met me before. But, you know, I had all the, the, the signs were pointing to this is clear that I shouldn't be doing this. I don't know what I'm talking about. , Like, see, I knew that I was gonna fail. . And that evidence will be used against, I did use that evidence against me.

And it'll be used against you for years to come if you don't interrupt it. Okay. It's not about your action. Your, the, the behavioral proof is not about performance. It's not about how well you do, at all. Your aligned action is the installation process of the new identity. That's all it is. This is just the steps that you need to take to become the person that you wanna be, right?

You have to take the action no matter what the external results are, because taking that action helps you to become the version of you that does whatever it is that you wanna do. For me, being a coach, right? I had to show up and um, even though nobody else showed up, I had to show up. And in fact, my coach made me, um, she said, if nobody shows up, it doesn't matter.

I want you to present your content no matter what. Do it anyway because it's the action of actually going through and holding the seminar. It was like a day, you know, webinar, whatever, holding that seminar and going through all the steps instead of giving up , even if I had the excuse of saying, oh, well, nobody showed up. I guess I'm done. Forget it. Because that would've had me go right back into, see, I'm not a coach, but me going and following all the steps that I had already planned helps me to step into that role. It creates evidence for me.

I know I'm overexplaining this, but it makes a difference. It's not about performance, It's about all of the actions. Little baby actions that line up with your desired identity begins shifting your subconscious expectations for who you are and the value that you provide. For instance, banging out the first five articles of your blog, you know who I'm talking to up there, um, keeping money in your bank account without spending it and starting from scratch again.

So like, if you were the person that was like, this was me for a long time, um, that money didn't come easily or didn't stay, that was my thing is I can't keep money around. And so learning how to keep the money in your bank account or just taking the action or the not taking the actions to spend the money, , so that you create, you have a lump sum of money that's in stays in your account.

Okay? Then you're the money that can keep money around you. Or another thing is accepting a compliment from someone without downplaying, objecting or diverting attention.

Returning the ball. You know, like, oh no, it's you, you're so pretty, or you're so kind, or you're so thoughtful. Whatever it is, just allow the compliment to sit for a minute and accept it. another thing is creating opportunities that require you to be out there in the world, , and then following through with those opportunities, each action that you take signals safety to your nervous system, to your subconscious, and to the, shifting identity.

Okay? Behavior comes first. Stabilization and your confidence will follow.   📍 📍 Confidence will never show up before the behavior. A new behavior anyway, It never will. Confidence comes after you've done the thing  maybe several, several times. So don't wait for confidence or motivation to show up.

Stabilization too, like your, your identity, the new identity stabilization will happen after behavior. Then you wanna repeat the behavior until it creates a pattern which will communicate predictability and alignment to your subconscious. Okay. Which activates identity adoption.

 

 Without the behavioral proof, your identity will remain a concept or a construct. It would be like the knowledge without the wisdom, right? Wisdom happens what with action, with repeated steps. Doing it, not just knowing it. 

Phase 4: Integration - When Healing Becomes Normal for Alienated Parents

📍 📍 📍 So part four, this is the last part of it, of rebuilding your identity is normalizing your new identity.

It's the integration phase. It's you really going out there and doing and being embodying the new you. Have you ever completed a task you once thought impossible? Only did it find out that it feels completely normal, Like,  well, I thought it was gonna feel different than this.. 

This happened with me when I did, but let me just preface this by saying back when I did this, what I'm getting ready to share with you, I didn't have the tools that I have today. So, well, I'll leave it at that and then I'll explain this. So this happened with me when I did my first figure competition.

I planned for months I mean, I was training for months, like hardcore training and eating, for this figure competition, my first one. But I'd also been planning for months to go blow it out. After the comp, after I was on stage, my daughter came with me to the show where I had my friend bring her, my dad flew in with his wife from Miami to, to see it in Austin.

all of my friends were there. My daughter was holding up signs in the, you know, in the audience, and I'd even organized that after the show that my daughter would stay over at my friend Allison's for the night so that I could go out downtown and blow it out, because I thought I'm definitely, I'm surely gonna want to because of all of this hardcore diet and regular training that I was doing.

I was, it was a very strict plan that I was on. I wanted cupcakes afterwards from this place called Hey Cupcake, these red velvet cupcakes. And then I wanted to go out and get french fries and do other things. Okay. So the day came and I did pretty good for my first time on stage, right? I competed on two different divisions.

I did bikini and also a figure. Anyway, my friend Allison brought me the cupcake and I took one bite of that it was sickening for me, where normally I would eat that whole cupcake. There were like these big cupcakes. I couldn't do it. I didn't even care for it. I was so excited for that cupcake and I didn't even want it.

So I gave the rest of it. I handed it over to my daughter for her to eat. And then after, when I handed my daughter over to to Allison, same girl. Um, we walked across the street 'cause we were already downtown and we stopped at our first bar, me and my other friends, right? And my dad. , I ordered a beer and a thing of fries and I don't know what else, right?

And I had a couple sips of the beer and a couple bites of fry. And I felt sick and I didn't even want it. I was tired, I was exhausted. and my friend Dan was like, you wanna go home, don't you? I was like, yeah, I sure do. I wanna go home. I didn't want it  because I had become the version of me, the bodybuilder.

Identity already. Throughout those months, I had become this different version of me, though I'd pre-planned before I even really signed up with my coach to do this thing. I'd already planned on going and blowing it out at the end. That was in my, I was like, if I'm gonna do this, then I'm gonna blow it out at the end, right?

But throughout the months that I trained, I'd become this different person. So I was trying to keep my, the plans that aligned with my old self, but it wasn't happening because now I was this different person. anyway, the new version of me wanted nothing to do with what the old version of me wanted,  So it happens all the time now with me. Now with regard to my ceilings too. When I achieve new, it's usually because I've been taking whatever aligned action that I've planned on taking. For so long that now it's not, it's no big deal when it comes just like, those fries were no big deal. That beer was no big deal.

None of that was a big deal. I was like, whoa, I don't even care about that. But when I, now, when I achieve some goal, it's like, of course, of course I achieved it because I've already become that person. I've talked with you guys about this before. So it's more of like, you know, it's not a surprise for me.

It's not that I'm entitled to, it's just like, no, I've been doing all the work all this time. You hear about actors and musicians that it's like this for too. When they finally make it quote unquote, make it big, they have been acting for 10 years, sometimes even more before they get their first like headlining, uh, part, you know, or gig,

, People only see that. They don't see all of the work that's been happening in the background. And it's the same thing with you and me.  What I'm offering is that it should be that you're not, um, so exhilarated and stoked for yourself when you get, it shouldn't be some huge surprise whenever you're going to achieve something because you've already been doing all of the background work ahead of time.

Cultivating a Loving & Expansive Relationship with Your Alienated Child TODAY

You've already become the person that makes the money, gets the goal, has,  📍 📍 fulfilling relationships even with your kiddos before they even return back to you.  Do you hear me? This is everything. If you believe that you are the person that already has a fulfilling and loving and beautiful relationship with your kid now working on that relationship now when they do come back to you, it's not gonna be so freak out.

It's gonna feel like,  of course they're returning home. This is not a stretch. You've already been there up in your mind,  which causes a lot of safety for you in the today.   So it's not like always waiting for something to happen or the opposite, the other shoe to drop. Like for them to either reach out or for like, you're freaking out 'cause you're waiting for some dun, dun, dun. 

No, because you've already believing, done the work to believe that you do have a loving relationship because relationship exists in your mind. And the thoughts that you think about your kiddos, those thoughts are going to determine your relationship with them.

Their thoughts about you is their relationship with you. the relationship does not determine or dictate what your relationship is.  Does that make sense? Your thoughts about them? Determine your relationship with them, theirs, about you, whatever.  But we don't concern ourselves with their part. Okay.

You work on your relationship now, and like I said, it won't be a surprise and your life feels a lot more calm, even keel, predictable, in a really good way, in all the best ways, , safe, , loving  It's expansive because you're already the person that the kid comes back to. That's not even a, that's not even a question in your mind.

 that's how I believe. It's not even a question in my mind, it's just when, and it's fine. It's when she's ready. I already, my relationship with her is amazing, you know,  amazing, expansive, unconditional, truly unconditional because of how I think about her,  so just because, whatever happens for you whatever you make happen in your life isn't emotionally exhilarating, doesn't mean that you've regressed.

Okay. That's a lot of parents will say to me, or people will say to me like, does this mean that I didn't really want what I ever achieved? Or is it like that I'm not appreciative of what I've created? No, it has nothing to do with that. It just means that you've integrated your identity across all the planes.

You've truly, you are embodying and living, implementing in all the ways. So of course, it's not gonna feel like a shocker or some huge surprise or like you're won the lottery because it's who you are now. You've raised your ceiling of what you're willing to or what you're willing to, but also what you're capable of receiving and creating for yourself.

So,

this is where too, where your decision making will shift on an unconscious level so that it doesn't feel so pressy or hard, it feels more, um, instinctual and intuitive to make the quote unquote right choices for you. You know what's true for you because you truly, you, you have aligned your identity with like the new identity, with who you wanna be with, the evolved version.

And you can keep doing that, especially now that you've already, uh, developed the muscle to do it. Like if you do it once, you can do it over and over and over again. Just keep recreating yourself over, like reinventing yourself to add different areas, you know, so I've said enough, so. When your subconscious decisions shift,

when you're doing that on the, like, as if nothing, your new identity will stabilize, and then your reality, of course, your, all of your outcomes will reflect your new identity. So we've come full circle,

Recap: Align with Your New Identity For Effortless Outcomes

So instead of going after the outcomes, which will never produce the longstanding results that you want, or the circumstances that come into your life, you wanna look at the patterning, become aware of the patterning that's going on in all the areas of your life, okay?

You wanna create safety in your world then with doing work on reconditioning your, like your body's safety and also your psychological safety then you wanna start creating behavioral proof, evidence, your raw evidence of how, this new identity is safe for you, and also that you're capable of doing it.

So you wanna take little baby steps. And then the last one is normalizing or integrating, embodying the new identity. Okay? And by doing that, you will see that your outcomes will change almost effortlessly. Okay? They'll be aligned with the new identity. But if you have any barriers, any. Upper limit ceilings, which I'm assuming that you are, you do, if you're listening to this episode, it's not about getting yourself more self-confidence.

I just need to be more confident, or I need to be more diligent or more, um, routined or all those things. It's not that because I, it'll never feel real and true for you. It's, you gotta look at what you believe about yourself. Who do I think I am and what I'm capable of? What have I always created in my life and what am I, what are my, this repeating patterns of my life currently?

And then, and then everything will fall into place. Okay. All right, you guys, I gotta go, so I gotta go edit that and get this out to you. Have a lovely, lovely week, and I'll see you next time. Take care.

 Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-sized clips and tips, be sure to find me on TikTok or Instagram. See you next week.