Redefining Your Story

In episode 139 of The Beyond The High Road Podcast, Shelby Milford announces a shift in how her episodes will be structured—moving towards more targeted and searchable content. This episode focuses on a critical issue faced by alienated parents: overcoming feelings of victimization to feel more empowered. Shelby shares personal experiences and discusses how distinguishing between objective facts and the emotionally charged stories created around them can help alienated parents regain their power. She outlines common mistakes and offers a step-by-step plan to develop a more empowering narrative. Shelby emphasizes the importance of intentional, mindful thinking and how reinterpreting stories can transform one's mindset and identity. The upcoming episodes will address specific problems and pain points faced by alienated parents in a more structured and approachable manner.

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Episode Transcript

 You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 139. Stay tuned. Hello everybody. How are we doing today? So today we are gonna be, we're gonna be doing something a little different. Well, it's where to start. Today is the start of doing. The podcast slightly different, up until now, It's difficult to go back when you're feeling a certain way or when you're facing a certain situation. It's difficult to go back and. Find the episode that's for you, for whatever you're feeling at the time. I started off doing it that way and I have sprinkled those within, but a lot of the episodes are sort of a hodgepodge.

They're not as targeted, right? And so even the best word choice of words for, for our group of people, but you know what I'm saying, they're not as specified. And so now moving forward, I'm going to to make them searchable for you, just a little bit more user friendly. And what that means is that I'm basically gonna be.

I can't say starting from new because there's already 140 episodes, but today I am going to answer a question that most of us alienated parents have at some point, which is to how to stop feeling so victimized and start getting into action, feeling more empowered.

I know that we've talked about that pretty much in every episode up until now, but I'm going to simplify it. And give you kind of a step by step plan from here moving forward. And that's how each of the episodes are gonna be. Next week we are gonna be visiting a topic I have not ever covered yet, I don't think.

Um, definitely not in its own episode. and it's one I know is going to, it's a little bit emotionally charging maybe. Um, it's a fear that I know a lot of us have. We sort of tuck it away, which is when your child, adult child, maybe still child, child wants to change their name. Okay. But for today, we are going to, and so anyway, so I was saying is is

each one of the episodes after today is gonna be addressing a specific, like a particular problem that we as alienated parents have, pain points, basically. So some of the topics will be revisited, but in the previous episodes,

I may have been talking about a bunch of things all at once, so it wasn't necessarily a go-to episode, and now I'm just, this is more like I started doing it like this in the beginning when I first started the podcast. Like when you feel defeated, when you feel like you've been dealt a bad hand, right? So it's gonna be like that.

So next week is gonna be, like I said, the when they approach you or if the day comes that they wanna change their name. Okay? So today we're gonna talk about the biggest problem that all of us have, which is feeling victimized and not knowing where to go From here. This is what I struggled with for so, so, so long.

I thought that the situation of alienation and what was happening I was living so far into the problem, , that I didn't know that I could find my power. I was too busy trying to like damage control, I was living in defense, and trying to survive basically.

I always felt like I was coming from behind, And so that's what I wanna address with you guys today. So the simplest way. to find your power when you're in a situation where you feel helpless or you feel any of the things, is to identify your story.

 But when we're coming from the trauma of alienation or even earlier trauma that may, you may not have fully healed. oftentimes, our reality feels so. Distorted, right? We're facing a barrage of different stories, different narratives from the alienating parent, from your children, from your close family, like your ex, you know, mom and dad

and then you have your friends and the community, There's all these different stories and questions that you're faced with on the every day. And so our brain actually begins to distort the facts,

so when we can recognize and separate the objective facts from the emotionally charged stories. we can find our power. You know, you can start to see in the areas that you're holding yourself back, because most of the time if you're feeling like you have no options, that there's no other choice, that you're victimized and that you'll always feel victimized, which by the way, I felt for so many years,

it's clear that an adjustment could be made in your story.

 

So one of the mistakes that I made back in the day is that I assumed my experience was a universal response. That everyone, if they had lived through what I lived through, they would think exactly how I thought and how I felt, how I behaved.

That it was non-negotiable it was unchangeable, That was mistake number two is that I thought that my thoughts and my story were fixed. They were not optional.

My story was fact, right? I knew that. There were interpretations. I mean, I was pretty, emotionally intelligent even back then. But when it came to my emotional responses in the moment and when I felt that I was um, trapped, I. from that part of my brain, I really believed that there was no other option to how I was thinking, and that everybody else would feel this way.

So number mistake number one was assuming that how I felt was how everybody would feel and how I thought is how everybody would think. Mistake number two was that my story. Was unchangeable, it was fixed, and it was fact. Okay? And the last mistake that I made,

I know so many of you, I have these conversations almost daily, and I just had a, uh, an exchange in the private Facebook group that proved , that. Other people also experienced this, this mistake. Number three is that I wasn't giving myself the space to have a story.

And I wasn't taking the time or setting the intention to correlate the story that I created from the facts. Like I thought that that was a not a luxury that I could afford. To like that. If I had a story or an interpretation, then that would be a misinterpretation or that I would be, basically, it was like I was,

I wasn't holding the space for myself to assign meaning to something. You know, I just took it for granted. Like of course I would feel this way. I thought that just A happened plus B has to equal C, and there's no other way to see it. And so I didn't give myself the respect, I guess, or the consideration to.

Ask myself what my story was like, what am I making this mean? I thought that that would be, um, taking advantage or something or manipulating a story if I was to assign, and we all do it. We all assign meaning. I don't know why I thought that I couldn't do that, but I thought it would be distorting. The facts, but it's not true because we all, every human on this earth assigns meaning to every experience that happens in this world.

Facts alone. Facts are boring. Right? If we, we wouldn't watch any movies or read any books if they were just filled with facts, right? Of course not. They have perspective, they have, there's meaning because whoever is narrating the book. Or the movie or whatever it is, whatever we're understanding, getting a peek into the stories that they're telling their perspective, right?

So we all have it. It's a natural thing for humans to do. But I thought that it was, um, I don't know, taking liberties or something. There's a vulnerability in saying this happened and now I feel. my daughter didn't call me back after I texted three times. This is, I'm just making this up. This didn't actually happen, I texted my daughter three times and she did not call me back, and now I feel. so many of us as alienated parents. We'll take that first part. My daughter didn't call me back or son apply it to you.

And then we'll create a story around what that means and we'll make that story. Fact, my daughter didn't call me back and silently will say they hate me, right? And that will be the story. Not, my daughter didn't call me back and I texted three times or whatever. And you said before will make our summary of the facts, the story moving forward.

And here's what's crazy is though that story, especially all the little stories combined, end up making up our mindset and our identity. And so if I have. Little summaries to all these different events that happen in my life, and those summaries equal, okay, my daughter doesn't love me, I failed, I'm a failure.

, Let's say one of the, another set of facts is, They idealize and idolize the other parent, and then they denigrate me.

They're all good. I'm all bad. And so what I make that mean is that I'm unlovable or my ex is brainwashing my child and there's nothing I can do. Right?

The other day I was talking to somebody and he was talking about his kids and that they only give one word answers, They only say yes, no, they don't elaborate on anything or offer up any. Extra information, you know, to elongate the conversation. You know, they just keep it very short and, , uninteresting, I guess.

Right? And so I forget actually what his response was, but many parents would take that as the other parent is brainwashing my kid and there's nothing I can do. My kid is disinterested in me. There's nothing I can do. Something like that,

We cut off our options, We make it very limiting. And so we take that and make that part of our capabilities moving forward. My ex is brainwashing and there's nothing I can do. I'm powerless. And that becomes part of our identity. And then we gather some more information and summarize the next experience, and that becomes part of our identity.

And the more that we. Because whatever we believe, we wanna find evidence to support that, right? Even the stuff that's harming us. So if we think that we're powerless and we have no options, we'll keep looking either in our past or in today to reaffirm that we're powerless and we have no options.

it's at our detriment, but we don't even realize that we're doing it 'cause it's all of these, uh, thought distortions and biases that we have going on. In the emotional part of our brain and in our subconscious, our body does that for efficiency, right? Because our body really, really thrives on habit doing, the least amount of work possible in order to get the best results and save our energy for whatever.

But these days we don't really have to save our energy for the, the lion coming attacking us or whatever that maybe our ancestors might have had to worry about. So it may feel efficient for the body in the now, right? To lean into the things that we already believe. But it doesn't realize that by doing that, it's not using the higher thinking.

We're working from a different part of our body. It just wants to, to, to exert the least amount of effort, right? Motivational triad. Seek pleasure, avoid pain, be efficient. It serves that little cycle, right? Your habit cycle. So now I'm getting off topic again.

So those were my three mistakes. Regarding my story and taking my power back. Back in the day when I was in that place, feeling completely victimized and like shackled to the story, to my alienation, to identifying as this alienated mom, how could I be anything else? I wish I would've known back then that the stories that I was telling myself were only optional. There were other ways for me to think back then, and I wasn't recognizing that I was doing what I was just talking about a second ago where I really believed that I was without options.

So that's the evidence that I kept creating for myself. I would've gone down like in an argument with somebody arguing for them to believe me and get on my team that I had no options. Right? I would've seriously Given up a lot to. Make somebody else believe that that was my story and there was no way around it.

But that was literally me limiting myself back into a corner to this place where I had no options until finally that story was so painful that I had to move from there. So hopefully I'm, I'm making sense here is basically the story that you have right now is a hundred percent optional and I wish I would've known that back then, like really embraced that back then

I was so convinced that I was fucked, that I needed to convince the world I was fucked to, you know? And that story only harmed me. It further alienated me from my daughter and also from the rest of the world, and even from myself. Like, it's so crazy because we, the one thing that I think as alienated parents, we feel devalued, right?

Our authority is undermined. trivialized and, made to feel like we're just a regular everyday Joe to our kids, or even worse than that, right? That we're not special or, um.

to be celebrated, right? But then we end up doing that to our own selves when we're in the situation. At least for me, I devalued and. Discredited all of my own stories. and my, narrative back then. I'm not saying that I wanted to keep that narrative but that's exactly it is.

I wasn't even recognizing that there was an option there. it's definitely true that their actions to alienate and all the other things that they did. They affected me negatively, like did take my power away. In so many instances, my options became fewer and fewer. The more they came at me. I will not argue that, right? But then what I did from there was further, , minimize my options by the way I was thinking about the situations I was in.

Do you see what I'm saying? And so when I realized that, yes, I think, I think it was Mark Manson that quote I followed, pretty much everything he did is other people have the ability to fuck up your life, But only you have the power to fix it. That's when I was like, oh, right. They can do things to mess with me, but it's my responsibility. It's in my power to change my story and use the story to push me forward, right? I can utilize all of this, even the worst of the stuff and change how I think about myself in my capabilities moving forward, and so that's really the beginning of anything, no matter what problem you have today.

No matter how bad you think it is, don't die on the hill of wanting to convince yourself and the world that you are that fucked. You are never so fucked that you have no options ever, ever. In fact, choosing that, choosing to believe that is an option in itself. You could choose to believe a lot of things, but just knowing that you have a choice in how you believe and how you think about everything is so.

Helpful and empowering in the long run.

I'm gonna give you an example. 

just the other day I put, , a post in the private Facebook group and I asked. Other parents. I said, Hey, give me some requests for some future episode topics. And somebody wrote back,

 graduation for our child that you have no contact with and this dad just know that you know that. I'm not picking on you at all. I actually thank you so much for bringing this up and responding because I'm ending up using this whole exchange that we had as this topic today.

It's what inspired me to do this today. So,

we as alienated parents will take facts and not even think about the fact that we've made up a story about those facts, but aren't identifying that story.

So here, graduation for a child that you have no contact with. the way that it's written. I'm not saying that I understand where he was coming from. I think he was just presenting a topic for me in a generic way. But I know that this is a problem too for a lot of us alienated parents. It certainly was for me many times will present a problem or will think about a problem like they took my child from me.

We assume that the world will understand what our problem is and that everybody else would feel the same as we do now, there's nothing wrong with feeling connected to other parents that are going through this same thing. It, it's for sure, especially when we're in a situation where we've been alienated for my own family and our children, it's very comforting to know that other people are out there that are going through the same thing we are.

So we can feel connected. Like a sense of camaraderie and bonding over the same pain points, right? Like. Devastation points if you wanna say, you know, so use everything for you, as you've heard me say many, many times before with all the tools, all the words that you hear out in the world use everything for you.

So it is nice to know that. He knew clearly that I would understand what he was saying, and yes, I do to an extent, but what's really important and what gives him agency here is to identify why graduation for a child you have no contact with is a problem for him specifically. Because when we identify the problem or what our story is, then we gain.

Number one, some clarity. We also gain some perspective 'cause we gain some distance from the, the, the facts of the situation or what's going on. And we also gain our own sense of self back. And we feel especially going through what we have, that, that sense of self and, our own, authority and all the things have been undermined, and we feel like we cannot be ourselves.

So identifying the reason why it's a problem for you, or if it's not even a problem, or the story that you're assigning to whatever facts are out there, it helps you to take your power back and say, oh, okay. Yeah,

not everybody feels exactly how I do, which of course alleviates this unnecessary suffering that might go on because we think universally that everybody would have a problem with graduation for a child that you have no contact with. I keep repeating his words because I think it's, it's so important to, .

Understand, identify that facts are not going to, make everybody feel the same way. They took my child, you and I both would think, oh, well, everybody would feel the same way about that. It's not true, and that's not to. isolate you or single you out, but in fact, instead it can really help to empower you

because once we understand, identify what that story is that we are assigning to whatever happens in the world, then from there we have our recipe or our formula for getting out of it and standing on higher ground. That's really what it is. And so like back in the day when this all really just first started, or even years into it actually, I mean years and years into it.

Like when any new problem would arise, new occurrence, something would happen, you know, a court date would be set, in my mind,

that problem was always them centered.

The stepmom showed up at school following me around, recording me.

They wrote me accusatory emails. They

don't tell me when. My daughter has a birthday party for a friend in her class, Though they may have been facts.

Facts are always, by the way, I know that you guys know this, but I just, I'm gonna say this for clarity here. A fact is always something that is indisputable neutral. It's an occurrence that happens out in the world that is actually neutral. my daughter's father filed for modification. My daughter didn't come home on the school bus today.

, the homework sheets were not in the folder When I opened my daughter's backpack this morning. they didn't meet me at exchange today.

These were all facts, right, but a fact, never hurt anybody ever. A fact is never the problem. It's the story that we create. It's our interpretation of the facts that causes the problems, if you will. Or on the other hand, you could have a great story about whatever the facts are.

It really just all depends, and that's where. It's so important to get specific and to identify that within yourself, because what I did for so many years, like I just started to say a second ago, was I would look at the problem and assume that everybody would have that same exact problem as me. and go look for evidence to support that belief that everybody would have a problem.

But I was actually never identifying and speaking out what that problem was for me. they filed for modification of custody and now I think this could affect my future with my daughter. now I feel scared.

That is finding your story right and that is your problem. The problem is never the fact that they filed for modification, the problem is never they took my kid even. You would might think that every, every parent in the world would agree with you that they took my kid as problematic.

It's not until you assign meaning to it, which we all will do, it's not your, by the way, it's not your fault that you assign meaning to it. It makes complete sense that you would assign meaning doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you're coming from trauma or that's just a terrible.

Story that you have about this, it means nothing about you. The fact that you have a story and you, you find meaning in the facts that happen in front of you or in your life means that you're a human being and that you care. but it's really important to find that, that what, what it is that you're making it mean what is the problem?

Because if not, what happens is you like blindly. Go around focusing on that problem, but not ever doing anything with it. And it's a great way to keep us all in that prolonged free state, right? Because there is no solution. there will never be a solution of, we cannot figure out what the actual problem is.

When we're just telling ourself that the problem is actually, the fact it never is. There's a, a more vulnerable take on those facts, and that's what's really important for you to, to find out, to identify and name, say it out loud, or write it down or do something with it so that you now get some separation from what your story is.

 

So let's take that dad that wrote the graduation problem, he wrote Graduation for a child you have no contact with. Then he wrote, I. I was invited to go to his graduation. I was also told that I was not allowed to speak to him in person.

Okay, so even those two sentences are facts. and he might have been assuming, I'm gonna assume that he was assuming that this would be a problem for anybody. I was told by my son that when I went to his graduation that I wasn't allowed to speak to him in person, but that is a neutral right there.

Until he assigned meaning to it. One parent could say, oh, good. That takes the pressure off me because I have been scared shitless about running to them in person and not knowing what to say. At least this way I can be there and be supportive without feeling the pressure of having to go and talk to my kiddo Or maybe they're fearful that the kid is not going to receive them, where they're gonna stress their kid out. See where I could actually feel relieved about this father, actually, he got invited, he received an invite to go to graduation to be there, where can tell you right now, I have three other parents.

That are current clients that were not invited to their graduation, to their daughters, all of them are daughters graduations. They weren't, that was not even an option on the table for them, I bet that those parents would give anything to be in this parent's position. No. Again, it's not better or worse or whatever. you could have so many different stories about this. what he's presented here are not problems until this dad makes it a problem, which is no shade on him. There's nothing wrong with the fact that he's thinking it's a problem.

It's just due to whatever story he has going on based on other facts and situations and stories. He's. Created over time, they're just words, they're just thoughts that we've come up with throughout our life. But sometimes those old narratives,

Which once served us, may not be serving us today. Serving you today. So basically never, ever on the. The history of the world has a fact. Ever harmed or hurt a person? a series of facts, even is never the cause of your pain.

Your,, joy, your, any of the emotions that you have are never because of facts. Somebody could say, oh, well a million dollars is a fact. What are you trying to say there? Are you trying to say that a million dollars couldn't actually solve somebody's problems and make them happy? Sure. Maybe the person who gets the million dollars, they do have happy thoughts about that money and it does solve some problems.

They use it to solve some problems in their life, but not everybody would be happy about getting that million dollars. I promise you. Some people could create a ton of anxiety in, or, uh, fear like, . Paranoia, right? Other people are gonna come get it from me. The money's gonna go away. It's gonna be all gone.

'cause I never learned how to create it myself. It was given to me. It happens. Money happens by chance. There's so many different stories that we can have. We think in our minds, because we have the story, it's the subconscious that does this, that we have a certain story, we've lived a certain way that everybody will have the same thoughts that we do, and it never is the case.

And when we do that, when we assume that everybody else feels, and by the way, not to say that a lot of people don't agree with you on your. Take of things. Not to say that at all, but if it's not empowering you and it's keeping you in a spin cycle, it's really, really helpful to determine and speak out what that story is for yourself.

 Your walk is unique and you owning that walk and your experience of your walk is so empowering because once you identify where you believe the problems are in your life, then you can use that problem what you've identified as the problem, as your plan to move forward and to get out and to stand on higher ground.

Once you identify what you think is wrong with the situation, now that you've got specifics, because when you're saying, oh, it's a graduation, and, I'm not supposed to speak to my child, and my world sucks, and this means that I'm gonna be alienated forever.

You've come to all these conclusions, but it's so vague that you can do nothing with it. So many times I would. State the facts like, or just take a, something that happened and I came to this unconscious conclusion about what that meant for mine and my daughter's future. But I didn't give my, hold the space for myself or give myself, I guess the respect or whatever to acknowledge what I was making that experience mean for us going forward.

Does that make sense? So it would be really helpful to pinpoint. What your summary is for every situation that happens in your life from silly little like exchanges at a gas station or, between you and a friend of yours, right? What did I just make that exchange mean good and bad?

Just make it a habit intentionally being aware, what am I making each of these situations mean? Because you, whatever you make, every situation that you have, and your subconscious is gonna do it whether you like it or not. Whatever you're making each situation mean you're going to take that with you, right?

It's another little bag that you're, you're packing on and you're gonna find other circumstances and situations that match with the summaries that you already have in order to keep it like congruent, So that it aligns with the current beliefs that you already have. But if those current beliefs that you already have are disempowering and creating a world of no options for you, then you're gonna continue to live that reality. so hopefully I'm making sense.

It's really important for you to, Mindfully intentionally. Look at each of the situations you're in. What is the problem I have with this? Or what am I making this situation mean? What is, what am I telling myself that this means for our future or our past? the, what's the summary?

is that summary providing options for me moving forward, or is it holding me back? Then you can decide what you wanna do with it. Whatever the summaries are, whatever you're making all of the situations in your whole entire life mean it's okay. It makes sense that you would've come to the conclusions you have thus far because you're probably doing it coming from survival mode.

There's nothing wrong with you're thinking up until now. It's just that most of the time coming from where we have that thinking is done on such an. Unconscious level that we're not creating our lives, we'll end up like living at the effect of the world around us. And that's how we got ourselves in the situation with somebody who would intentionally alienate our children from us, is that we just lived reactively.

And then we're not the creators of our world, which we are all born as creators. You know, whether you think of yourself that way or not. , That's, I believe, the whole purpose for us. So in order for you to own your story and own your future, and harness all the power that you truly do have, even right now when you think you don't have any, is to first recognize fact from what you're making fact mean.

Because when you realize that this, the, what you're making it mean is optional. Then the world opens up for you. You can decide how you wanna think and feel about every situation that happens. It's not universal. You know, not everybody would feel or think the way that you would feel or think. And I mean that in a, uh, use that for you.

I also know the power of feeling connected to other parents that have gone through what we've gone through. And many of us, I mean, all of us, especially with the, the symptoms I guess, that are presented with alienation,

there's something to be said for feeling like you can connect and knowing that other people out there are feeling the same things and experiencing the same things that you are, having the same pain points as you do so you don't feel as alone. So that, yes, use that for you.

But also too, remember that just because other people feel a certain way about something doesn't mean that that needs to be your truth if it's not working for you. So use all of this information that I give you and the information that you gather from your everyday life for you, you know? So, yeah, it's great to know that there's people in your corner, but just because you have people that you identify with doesn't mean that you need to identify with everything that they think and feel and, and how they behave as a result,

 

So if you wanna feel. In control of your life and of this whole situation of alienation, and what if, create more options for yourself moving forward, not feel so victimized and closed in at the effect of the alienating parent or even your children. It starts with identifying how you're summarizing your life up until now. And how you're looking at even each one, of your relationships, relationship, you can dictate how you feel in, in the closeness that you have with your kids. I, I saw somewhere, maybe it was this morning, I was reading some stuff on one of the Facebook groups, right?

And they were talking about. how they've just come to realize that they're a stranger to their child and that's how it's gonna remain. And I wondered, maybe for somebody it feels good and that's what's so great about having agency and being individuals. You can never detect tone

but the way that their comment read to me felt isolating It didn't create a warm close feeling for me, you know, but maybe for them that felt good and empowering and maybe like if they are feeling anger, that anger is necessary for them at this point, this juncture in , their walk, their journey.

But they wrote something like, they just had to realize that they are a stranger to their kids , they've been a stranger to their kids. And that's just how it's gonna remain , if that's not working for you, if you feel like you have to come to that conclusion, that's.

Actually never necessary to have those kinds of thoughts about anybody. You decide how you want to feel about your relationship with your kid, and you can generate feelings of closeness by the thoughts that you choose to allow in your brain. thoughts will come in and you can either decide to pay attention to them or pay no mind.

Right. Oh, okay. That's just a crazy thought that just came in. It's kinda like when you have dreams, you know, well that was a crazy dream. Or you can make the dream mean something for, for the rest of your life, you know? Well, that one dream meant that I was gonna fail forever. And then of course, you're gonna find all the evidence to support how that dream is, is creating your reality.

You know, it's the same thing with the thoughts that you choose to believe, the reality that you're opting in on on the daily basis. And if you think I'm a stranger to my kid, and it causes you to feel ostracized, then maybe pick a different set of thoughts let's say, even if like you haven't spoken to your kid in five years, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to focus on that part.

I'm not saying to. Uh, distort reality, but honestly, you can feel super close to your child. Like think about, and I use this example a lot, if you've ever had somebody close to you that's passed away. I have a good handful of, friends and family that have, and I still feel, in fact now I feel even closer to some of those people that have passed that I'm not sharing daily experiences with.

I feel closer to them because of the, relationship that I continue to develop with them while they're not even here. I talk to them. I feel the exchange, at least that's the the reality that I create for myself. Who's to say that you can't do that with your kiddo just 'cause they have certain thoughts or not?

Maybe they were brainwashed into thinking certain things just because they have certain thoughts and we don't even know what those are. Not really my business to think about what my daughter's thoughts are unless she makes them known to me. You know? But her reality doesn't have to be mine.

And I will always love her no matter how far away she wants to distant from me, she wants to be. If that's the case, I, I still feel close with her to this day because I think loving thoughts that cause me to feel close, I don't say things to myself Like, my daughter doesn't love me or that I haven't spoken to. Now I understand that there's a, benefit to this, so just know that there's no shade that I'm throwing to anybody that does do this, but those parents out there that say, I haven't spoken to my kid in 125 days, or it's been 600 and something days since I saw hugged my, my kid.

I don't see a benefit for me to use those facts against myself. Do you hear what I'm saying? You can make facts mean whatever you want. And I using it maybe to spread awareness. I get it. And that's really who I'm referring to as some of the. Uh, other alienated parents, moms on TikTok and stuff that do keep track count of how many days it's been since they last contact with their kids or, you know, connected with them.

I don't find that beneficial for me, in fact, that to me is focusing on something that causes me to feel much further from my daughter, and I don't want that perspective. That's just not beneficial for me because it doesn't cause me to. carry on with my life in a way that, benefits me or creates more options and also models to her what a strong, loving, um, fit mother looks like for me.

That's my thoughts. Again, no shade towards anybody, but recognize what's facts and what you're making those facts mean. And do you like that? Is it serving you and is it serving your message to you and to your kids and to whoever else that you're in contact with, or does it not? That's what I think is so amazing for me about what I've experienced with alienation is I was not living intentionally at all.

I did not. Have purpose other than to parent my child, right? That was always my purpose. But otherwise I didn't know who I was. I was living, coming from trauma all the way up until after all of this happened, when I chose a, a different path for myself, and now I live my life intentionally, right? With purpose.

Today I really choose the thoughts that I allow into my brain and into my body. I choose my story on purpose so that it serves me so that I don't feel victimized. Just knowing that there is an option to think about things differently is so amazing and it's life changing. You know, so what are you making it mean?

That's really, that's the whole summary of this episode today is look at any problem that you have in the your world, right? And instead of just stating the facts, what am I making this mean? This blank, blank, blank happened and now I think, or now I feel, or this means for me blank. That is your gold. That is where all your power is.

And from there, let's say your problem is, I feel unloved. Is unloved the appropriate? Is that how you wanna feel moving forward? Is that gonna get you to where you wanna go? I mean, it could be that sometimes I'm, this is not leading you. There could be times where you wanna feel angry or unloved or whatever, but if it's not working for you, number one is just gaining the awareness.

Don't beat yourself up for, for the story that you have, the story that you have makes sense based on your past stories and the the habits that you have going on in your brain right now. But now use it as data. Is that what I wanna continue to feel? How do I wanna feel moving forward? I wanna feel loved.

I wanna feel worthy. I wanna feel whatever. What thoughts are gonna cause me to feel that way? That's it. How can I see this situation? And feel worthy And so there's like amendments that you can make. You don't have to lie to yourself. You just find thoughts that fit the way that you really do wanna feel while still recognizing that right now this thought here is causing feelings of, like, that you feel unloved.

Or not worthy or whatever it is, just recognizing it. Have compassion for that, holding space for that. And then how do I wanna feel moving forward? It puts the ball back on your side of the court. you realize with any, any, anything in the world, you have an option.

Always have options on how you wanna think about it and what you wanna do with it. It's not universal that everybody would have the same story or feel the same way as you. You could probably find a bunch of people to agree with you, about how you feel, or how you acted or reacted, whatever. But just because you found people that agree with you doesn't mean that that's the way that you wanna like keep moving forward, I don't always use social proof as like the, my reasoning behind why I am gonna stick with something. In fact, like that's, to me, that's, uh, low. I, I don't mean this judgy, but I mean, that's a low quality way to go about my life to use it. Like, well, everybody would feel this way. It's not true. And even if everybody did feel this way, is that working for you or not?

You know? So, you know, we're discredited and. , We're not given the allowances by those that would alienate our kids from us, right. Or that are alienating our kids from us. And also then now our kids are not giving us the allowances that other people, we see other people have in the world, these freedoms to, to develop their own story.

But then we do that to ourselves without even realizing that we're doing that we limit ourselves from seeing. All the options on the table because we're, we're now falling into the mindset that they have sort of imposed on us. So this is your opportunity now to break free from that. Okay? So what are you making it mean?

Give yourself, hold the space for yourself to find that truth for you. That could be very temporary. Once you realize what it is, you might realize, hey, I don't necessarily think that that's true. I don't really fully believe the story that my subconscious wants to believe. Right? Because a lot of times it's true.

Your higher thinking will reasoning will say, have you ever like. Said something out loud, like what you were thinking and what you have been thinking for so long. But the second that you say it out loud, you're like, oh, that sounds crazy. That's what we do so often with all of the things that we believe.

The subconscious comes up with some crazy shit and we just go with it because we're in our brain and it's not, we're not recognizing it. We're not getting that separation. So the second that you, you give your whole your space for yourself and the. You have the compassion and, and the consideration to say, Hey, what are we making this mean right now?

And then you say it out loud, don't argue with it. Don't judge it. Be like, oh, that's interesting. Well that makes sense why I feel this, this, and this. Because I have the story that's dictates that. it totally makes sense in the end. just allow yourself to, you know, be human basically.

And just know that your stories are, they're not fixed. They don't have to be. But recognizing that is the first step to taking all of your power back. You always have options on how you think and how you respond to anything that happens in your world, you know? Okay, guys. you guys have a lovely, lovely week and I will see you next week. Bye.

00:00 Introduction and Podcast Update

00:15 New Podcast Format and Focus

01:07 Addressing Victimization for Alienated Parents

03:36 Identifying and Changing Your Story

04:49 Common Mistakes in Perception

09:18 The Power of Reframing Facts

13:20 Kid's Graduation & Other Real Life Examples

23:16 Own Your Story - What Are You Making It Mean?

39:29 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

 

#podcastforalienatedparents #parentalalienationrecovery