In this powerful episode, I dive deep into a pattern that keeps so many alienated parents stuck: the comfort-regret loop. This is the cycle where we repeatedly choose short-term emotional safety over long-term growth—and later regret the chances we never took.

Most of us believe regret comes from doing the wrong thing. We're terrified of filing the wrong motion, saying the wrong thing to our child, or making the wrong legal move. So we freeze, research endlessly, and wait to feel "ready." But when we look back honestly, our deepest regrets aren't usually about what we tried and failed at—they're about what we never attempted at all.

The truth is, the chances we didn't take hurt far more than the mistakes we made. The conversations we avoided. The boundaries we didn't set. The moments we abandoned ourselves because staying small felt safer than growing.

I share my own story of staying in an abusive relationship years too long—a comfort choice disguised as "keeping things stable" for my daughter that ultimately contributed to my alienation. I walk you through:

• Why your brain rewards avoidance with relief (and how that creates identity-level patterns)
• The myth that confidence and motivation come before you act (they actually come after)
• How "being responsible" often masks fear-based inaction
• Three practical tools to start choosing growth over comfort today

This isn't about making huge, terrifying leaps. It's about recognizing the fork in the road when you reach it, asking "which choice will I regret not taking?" and choosing bite-sized growth actions that your future self will be grateful for.

Your homework: Between now and next week's episode on self-doubt, track the sentences that show up when you reach for comfort. Write them down. We'll work with them directly in episode 182.

Remember: your future self is coming either way. The only question is whether they'll carry the weight of regret for your comfort, or gratitude for your courage. ♥️

 

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Episode Transcript

You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 181.

Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned

[00:00:31] Introduction: What Is the Comfort–Regret Loop?

Hey y'all, Today, , I want to talk with you guys about a feeling that I know that you know really well.

Even if you don't always call it by name, then that is regret. But we're not gonna talk about regret in the way that we usually do. .

The way that I've addressed it before is to talk about like, it already happened. Now what do I do with it? Kind of regret, Today we're gonna go upstream From there,

We're gonna look at how regret is actually created real time. We're gonna look at the tiny little moments where you and I choose comfort overgrowth. Most of us are terrified to try something new because we think that we will regret failing, We think if I file the wrong motion, if I send the wrong text, if I say the wrong thing, I'll never forgive myself, So we wait, we stay quiet. We research, we think we overthink, we wait to feel ready or motivated or confident or certain, And then months or years later, what actually hurts the most isn't usually the failure. 

It's all the moments that we abandon ourselves, All the times we didn't speak up, we didn't act, we didn't show up as the version of us we really wanted to be when it mattered the most. That's what I'm calling the comfort regret loop.

So let's break this down. I'm gonna walk you through what this loop actually looks like in your day-to-day life as an alienated parent, why your brain keeps choosing comfort, even when you want growth, and also a few simple ways that you can start stepping out of it today.

[00:02:04] Why Alienated Parents Fear ‘Getting It Wrong’ (but Regret Inaction Most)

So let's start by clearing up one of the biggest misunderstandings there is about regret. Most of us walk around believing that regret comes from doing the wrong thing. We're afraid of the regret that might come from filing the wrong motion, saying the wrong thing to our child, choosing the wrong attorney, or sending the wrong text to our ex.

So of course we freeze. Of course we stall.

Your brain thinks it's protecting you from this huge future. I ruined everything in the moment. But if you look back over your life and especially over this alienation chapter, that's usually not where your deepest regret lives When you really sit with it, the sharpest, most persistent regret always seems to come from the things that we didn't do.

The chances you didn't take the conversations, you didn't have the boundaries, you didn't set. the moments that you abandoned, what mattered to you most because comfort felt safer than growth. Now can you regret specific actions? Absolutely. You can regret overreacting in the moment, choosing a vacation instead of retaining the power attorney,

sending a message while in panic mode. But if you trace that regret all the way back to its roots, it usually doesn't stop at, I picked the wrong thing. I did the wrong thing. Right? It goes deeper into why you picked it.

Maybe you rushed that decision because sitting in uncertainty felt unbearable. Maybe you stayed with a strategy that wasn't working because confronting your new attorney felt way scarier than confronting the court later.

A lot of times what we'll do is we'll put off for the future versions of ourselves, we'll put off discomfort for up there in exchange for comfort today. And that often creates regret. maybe you went with the option that looked sensible and low conflict on the outside, but if you're honest,

it was the option that asked the least of you emotionally. 

[00:04:07] My Story of Regret: Staying in an Abusive Relationship

I have so many regrets that stem from that, from this, exactly what I'm talking about here. One of them, the first one that comes to mind, is staying with the abusive guy. The guy after my daughter's father, staying with him for years too long.

I should have cut it off at the first big red flag that I did notice back, like in the moment then. But I wanted to overlook it because of this very reason. And so instead I stayed with him. The longer I stayed with him, the harder it was for me to, to move from that, which by the way, doing this ultimately cost me my relationship with my daughter.

Ultimately, if we wanna boil it down to the sequences of events,

my relationship with him and the events that happened in it, his abuse and my reactions and overreactions and trying to keep it all together for her, my, my mindset then was I wanna make a family for her. I wanna make things, um, consistent for her. That was my, the reason for staying in it. But I couldn't see the forest for the trees that by staying with him, everything was inconsistent, you know?

So anyway, 

[00:05:24] When ‘Being Responsible’ Is Really Avoidance

this right here, what I'm talking about is the distinction I want you to hear, even when you regret the specific action. Underneath it is often still a comfort choice. It's still, I chose the thing that felt easiest, most familiar, least confronting in that moment instead of the thing that felt like growth.

Okay? So when I say regret doesn't come from failure, I don't mean you'll never regret a thing that you did. I mean that what really eats at you long term is that pattern of choosing short-term emotional safety over a long-term alignment with who you wanna be, where you wanna be going, where you're headed,

once you see that, the question stops being, how do I never make a wrong move, which is paralyzing, and becomes, " where am I quietly choosing comfort over growth in my own life right now, in this moment?" And from here I wanna show you how sneaky that comfort choice can be.

Because most of the time it doesn't announce itself as comfort. It shows up as what seems like the safe, the responsible adult move, So let's look at that next.

Most of the time when you choose comfort, it does not feel like I'm choosing the easy way out. It feels like I'm being careful. I'm being mature. I'm doing the responsible thing, I'm weighing my options, sitting and waiting, assessing the situation. It sounds like. Why stick your neck out and rock the boat right now?

Now isn't the time things are already fragile. I should wait until I have more information, more money, more support, whatever it's , or I don't wanna overreact. I'll just give it a little longer. On the surface, that all sounds reasonable. It sounds sensible, sounds like wisdom, but if you check in with your body while you're saying those things, there's almost always this undercurrent of fear, dread, or shame, It's not a calm wisdom, it's a nervous system overload, trying to put on a blazer and call itself being smart, for alienated parents, this shows up so many places everywhere. It shows up with legal decisions where you tell yourself, I'll just wait a little bit longer to get a second opinion. When the truth is that the idea of hearing another recommendation makes you wanna throw up many times, right? You, if you're the idea of getting, some other opinion aside from what you've already heard, sometimes throws this huge wrench in the works and makes everything else bigger.

Not to say that that's not a smart move, I'm just saying, many times, if you've been stalling out for a while looking for more certainty, it'll just keep you in that stalled pattern. It shows up in communication where you don't send a message or don't ask the question because you're terrified of being perceived as high conflict.

Hello. So you label it as taking the high road, When it's really you abandoning your own voice. I mean, this to me is just so, typical of many of us as alienated parents It shows up in your healing too. You might say, I'll start working on my nervous system and all of the pain that I've been carrying.

Once things calm down, knowing deep down that things never calm down on their own. Things calm down when you train your mind to see things that way. Nervous system activation doesn't just die down on its own, you know, and time does not heal all the wounds, as you've heard me say before. It takes a lot more than just time.

But starting now would mean facing your feelings and your thoughts head on, and that can feel like a lot. So I want you to start getting really honest with yourself. When you choose to wait or to stay quiet or to delay, is that actually coming from grounded wisdom or is this coming from a, coming from a timid part of you that just wants relief?

It's really helpful to differentiate between the two. Am I saying this because I'm buying myself more time, or it feels like the safest bet right now? Or is this grounded wisdom? Is this something that's really the the right thing for me to do? Am I making this decision from my higher thinking, from my most evolved self?

Okay. Because the pattern of regret usually isn't, I was truly grounded and I waited, and now I regret being thoughtful ever, right? It's, I kept telling myself, I was being responsible, but really I was afraid and I never gave myself a chance to grow. It's something along those lines. Or I was too afraid to do something.

And so the same with me leaving the, the second guy, you know, I was too afraid to do something. I was unsure of how to do it, and so I just sat and things ended up getting worse. That's usually how regret goes. And I said, you don't have to have my story, but look back on your life. Look at all the regrets you have, and what does it stem back to the decision you made.

What, what were you making that from? What mindset were you making that from? And so the more often that you do that, the more your brain learns. Oh, this is how we deal with discomfort. We call it being sensible, and we back away.

That's where this starts to become not just a pattern, but part of your identity, And we just came from talking about identity last week. That's what we're gonna get into next. How these repeated comfort choices get coded into your brain as who you are and why.

It suddenly feels like you're just not the kind of person that can do the hard growthy thing, you know? So,

[00:11:05] How Choosing Comfort Becomes Your Identity

, Yes. Let's talk about how this quietly gets filed away into your thoughts and beliefs about you at the beginning. It's just a choice, right? I avoided that conversation. I waited on that motion.

I didn't reach out today. I, whatever it is, apply it to you, right? But your brain is always, always, of course, watching and learning from what. you choose in the moment. It's taking notes. Every time you hit a growth moment and you choose like a fork in the road and you choose comfort, instead, your brain receives the message.

Ah, like I said, this is how we handle discomfort. We back away. And you do that enough times and it stops being, I avoided that situation and it becomes, I'm just not someone who could do that. I'm just not good with confrontation. I'm not a big action taker.

I'm just more of a wait and see type of person. I can't make decisions, in the moment, Or I can't handle that kind of stress. I don't invest in myself. I can't make decisions without other people's. Opinions, notice the shift there.

It moves from a behavior to who you are as a person over time. And once your brain files it away under your identity, it will defend that identity as if your life depends on it. Because to your brain, it kind of does. Remember that it's main job, your brain's main job is to keep you alive. It's not to make you brave or fulfilled or evolved, entering into multiple growth stages throughout the year.

It just needs to keep you alive. It wants to survive. So it's gonna do whatever it takes that is familiar or keeps you out of quote, unquote danger. So if avoiding hard things has worked in the sense that you survived panic,

[00:12:55] Your Brain’s Reward System and Avoidance

your brain will reward that. That's its job. It gives you a hit of relief, a tiny bit of calm, maybe some numbness, and it stamps that move with or that non move with Good job. Do that again. Repeat that. That worked for us. We stayed alive. it goes into your reward system . So that's why even when you can intellectually see this isn't getting me the life that I want, You keep defaulting back to the same avoidance, even if you know that this isn't getting you where you wanna go.

So just know. That you're not broken, You hear me say that all the time, but I just always wanna remind you because I cannot tell you how many parents I talk with that say something similar to that. I'm broken. I don't think I can be fixed. it's gone too far now. I don't know how to get, get back online, if you will, or on the right track.

your brain is just doing what it has learned to keep you safe in the short term.

The problem is that your future self is the one that's paying the bill, Every time you get that little reward for not acting, not speaking, for not trying, you're putting one more brick in the wall between you and the version of you that you actually wanna be And that's what eventually becomes regret.

Looking back and seeing a whole identity built around, staying comfortable instead of built around, growing into who you need to be for yourself and for your child.

[00:14:19] The Confidence Myth: Why You’ll Never Feel Ready First

In a minute I wanna flip this around and talk about one of the biggest lies that keeps this identity in place. Which is the idea that you have to wait for motivation, for confidence, or for certainty before you act, because that belief alone is responsible for so much of the regret that you're feeling right now.

For me as well, that's what really stalled my life for years, actually, years truly staying in inaction. When I was living as the hermit on the hill, this is before I really got into doing the work that I do now. this is what stalled me for so long. Like, I, I talk, used to talk about this a lot,

each Friday was a marker for me, that nothing got done in the case. And then of course those Fridays built up and each month that passed. The end of the month was never something exciting for me. It was always miserable because I knew it was only a reminder that I've been staying stagnant forever for however long I had, you know?

And then that, those months turned into years, I've nothing happening with the case, nothing going on. Motions not being filed. Um, me not switching over to an attorney that actually fought for me, advocated for me and my kiddo, and this is what it was. so let's talk about that motivation and confidence piece, because this is where so many of us get stuck in the loop.

Most of us have been told this story that we should wait to act until we feel ready. Ready? Meaning, I'm motivated, I'm confident, I'm calm. I'm pretty sure this is going to work. I'm educated enough, I have the right resources. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Okay. And if we don't feel that way yet, we treat it as a sign.

Not yet. I'll move when this scared feeling goes away, I'll move when I have more education, when I know more, when I feel more supported. When the time is right. Sometimes it's just that vague. I'll move, I'll know when the time is right, a sign will come. But in real life, especially in a situation as unpredictable as parental alienation, that feeling almost never comes first.

Truly, almost never. It, it can happen, but it's a, it's a rare occasion. And I wanna say that if it comes first, it's because you've been ready for way too long already. If you wait to feel confident before you file or you speak up, or you set a boundary.

You'll wait forever because confidence doesn't float down from the sky. It's created by you doing the scary thing while you're unsure, and then your brain seeing, oh, we survived that. Maybe we can handle more than we thought. Confidence comes after you act not before. People always wait for confidence and we're like, we can't.

We act once we have the confidence, once we have the backing, once we have whatever it is, it never comes, then you have to act first in order to prove to yourself, and I believe I may have hit on this last week, like your, your brain and well, your subconscious needs the evidence it needs for you to create evidence to really feel secure in whatever it is that you're applying this to.

And you, you can't create the evidence. Without taking the action. So anyway, it works. the same with motivation. Motivation. This one is a little bit, um, there's a little bit more wiggle room here, but you don't sit on the couch and get struck by motivation.

Lightning, right? And then suddenly become the kind of person who takes action. You take a tiny action and your brain gets a little burst of we did it, or, this isn't so bad, And that's what starts to create the motivation always with that. You know, I have clients that say, I don't know why I don't wanna do this.

I keep avoiding doing the thing that I know I wanna do. I just don't know why I can't find the motivation, what's wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with you, it's just that you're sitting around thinking about that. You can't do it. You have to give yourself some different evidence, when you tell yourself.

I'm just waiting for the right moment or the right feeling. Or for a sign, what you're really doing, usually without realizing it, is choosing comfort. Again. You're choosing the comfort of not having to feel scared, feel awkward, exposed, imperfect, whatever. the comfort of not having to face quote failure.

That choice is exactly what creates regret, because the motivation and confidence you're waiting for can only be built on the other side of the action. You're postponing. It's like saying I'll start lifting weights once I feel strong. The strength only comes from doing the lifting of the weights.

, so I want you to gently notice if you've been using the, I'm not ready as a socially acceptable way of saying I don't wanna feel this discomfort yet. It's always a postpone, right? Not to beat yourself up at all, Just to be honest about what's actually going on, because awareness is the first step. You know, I sound like a, 12 step calendar or something.

anyway, in a second, I'm gonna give you a couple of really simple tools that you can use to break that pattern, not by forcing yourself into a huge terrifying leaps, but by taking the smallest possible growth, action, and letting motivation and confidence grow from there

instead of waiting for them to show up first.

[00:19:43] 3 Tools to Choose Growth Over Comfort (Action Steps)

So let's talk about what you can actually do with all of this in the way that your brain can handle.

[00:19:48] Tool #1: Name Your Comfort vs Growth Moments

The first tool, tool number one, is simply to start naming the moment that you're in. The next time you catch yourself hesitating over researching, stalling, or reaching for distraction, instead of doing the thing, I want you to pause and say to yourself, oh, this is a comfort or growth moment here.

That's it. Just label it like this is one of the other here. But I don't mean to make it all black and white. But for here, for this, it's like, do I wanna stay in comfort or do I wanna grow? Okay. when you do it, just assess it in the moment. you step out of autopilot for a hot second, which is so important for you, especially if you've been doing this, throughout alienation or maybe even your entire life, because maybe you learned this from one of your parents or both of your parents, or whoever else in your life.

 so you give the wise part of you, the higher thinking part of you, a little bit of space to be in the room instead of letting your nervous system drive the bus by itself.

Especially if it's a dysregulated nervous system, you don't want that one driving the bus. Okay.

[00:20:55] Tool #2: Ask What Future You Will Regret Not Doing

Um, so once you've named it the second tool, tool number two is to ask a different question than the one you've probably been asking instead of asking what's the safest option? or how do I avoid making a mistake, Which to me are both, um, the second one for sure is a low quality question.

It's gonna, you're gonna come up with very, I. Low quality responses, answers. Okay. try instead, if I look back on this tomorrow, what will I regret not doing? And I actually got that, from years ago, from Mark Manson he was actually talking about it with drinking and not drinking. Right. And at the time, this was my biggest hurdle.

I was dealing with this constant urge to drink, maybe not constant, but a consistent urge to drink and whatever book I was, or maybe it was when I was in his club, when I was in his, like the membership thing that he had his first membership thing years ago. I heard he talked about this. Like how if you're out of fork and you're, the option is to go drink or not go drink, maybe I applied it this way. But the basic gist is tomorrow, will I regret not drinking? Right? And you can apply this with any situation in your life, right?

So if I look back on this tomorrow, will I, what will I regret not doing? And then if I look back in six months from now and nothing has changed, what will I regret? Not at least trying, okay, that's an add-on. You're not asking which option guarantees a good outcome because that's gonna be an impossible goal.

That's, that's the name of the game in life, right? You're asking which option lines up with the life that you don't wanna regret having lived. 

[00:22:50] Tool #3: Break It Down Into Bite-Sized Steps

Then we make it smaller. I have something stuck in my throat. Then we make it smaller because your brain will always freak out at big, dramatic change, right? It always will. This is what we're talking about here. So rather than completely overhaul my situation today, I need to completely overhaul everything. I need a whole new life, You wanna break it down into bite-size steps. So, and then I want you to pick one of that one action. The first action to start it. For instance, if the growth move is to get legal clarity, then maybe the first step is to book one consult, Then show up at that appointment whenever that's set for. Do not reschedule. Keep your commitments to yourself because this right here will either this first decision and all the ones to follow when you're coming off of a habit, and that's what this is really.

You've become so used to choosing comfort over discomfort, and this is what I teach to my habits clients, that first few decisions each time you. At you are at the fork in the road and you choose comfort. It's reinforcing your, and I talked about this a little bit last week.

It's reinforcing that habit. When you start, when you go to change the habit and you are very aware of what is going on, and you still choose discomfort, that even reinforces it more. It's now saying, oh, see, we've already proved to ourself that we can't choose discomfort or growth or whatever. It's, we need to always stay safe.

And so that's really when, back to what I was talking about before with identity, that's really when you, layer it on and solidify it, uh, lay down the groundwork or like I said before, the bricks. So keep the commitments to yourself. So if your growth move is to speak honestly, maybe your first step is to get crystal clear on what your truth actually is.

Then writing the message. If you're talking about speaking honestly via email to somebody or text writing, the message may be in your notes app without even sending it yet. Okay. So that you can just draft it and even put it into AI of some sort, , chat, GPT or whatever it is that you wanna do. But getting clear on your message first before you just chat GPT it, Because doing it that way is also gonna teach you, and that's, people have been talking about this a lot on, social media these days, How Chat, GPT and all AI is sort of dumbing us down in a way. I can see both sides of it, but anyway, really knowing and inputting. To chat, GPT, your truth first, and then it can work from there as opposed to letting it do your thinking for you.

Okay? So if the growth move is to get out of an unhealthy relationship, , maybe your first step is to develop a protocol or plan with dates. Okay. The dates, I think, especially when it comes to getting out on an unhealthy, like a, an abusive or just a relationship that may just not be working for you, the dates can help to keep you accountable so long as you honor those dates, you know, then not just, don't just make the plan, you wanna execute one of those steps.

Okay? Like maybe one of them would be lining up the support, you know, that you will need for the exit of this relationship. The accountability partner to help you stay focused on your why. What, what's your reasoning for doing this? That accountability partner can help to keep you green, if you will.

On why? Because it's so easy. If we're talking about an abusive relationship or an un quote unquote unhealthy relationship, it's so easy. I speak from experience. I think we all probably can. It's so easy, especially if there's, um, psychological or physical abuse going on to split, like to have, hold one truth and then another truth like I was talking about before, like I wanted family for her inconsistency on all these things.

Then I was telling myself that this making a family would create that for her. But I was forgetting that making a family with this person was never gonna create that for her. Right? And so I'm not trying to, um. I, I, I'm not trying to blame anybody here or anybody outside of me. I'm just saying that it's so easy to, take out not consider really important context when we're talking about, coming from an abusive relationship.

So having somebody outside of you, like a, it'd be better if it was somebody that was like an impartial, third party, a counselor or a coach or somebody to, that really has no stake in your game and it isn't too close in your circle. , Or you can choose who, whoever you like, but somebody that you trust that also knows that they're not gonna get sucked into your no disrespect but drama.

Okay? Anyway, that's a whole nother episode in itself, the accountability partner, like I said, will help you to stay focused on your why. And then finally, I want you to shift what and how you measure your success. So instead of grading yourself on like, did I feel confident today?

Do I feel confident going into this? start asking in which ways do it in the beginning of the day. And at the end of the day, in the beginning of the day, it's in which ways will I choose growth over comfort today? Plan it out. Set up the expectation for yourself, okay? This will help you to stay focused throughout your days.

In which ways am I gonna choose today to, to do this? If a, B and C happens, this is how I will choose. I'm always going to, I'll stop. I will, uh, recruit my executive functions here, and I'm gonna choose the way that my future self would be proud of me for. it's always the way that I like to look at it, um, is like, if I'm going, a week, weeks, six years down the road, what would future self think about what's happening today?

Not to cause shame. It's to keep you account, hold yourself accountable. And also when we go to that future self, even in today, when we're thinking, considering how they would want us to behave and feel and all the things we can gain a lot more perspective by zooming out on that and seeing what we really want for us, for ourselves down the road,

so, in which ways will I choose comfort overgrowth? And at the end of the day, in which ways did I choose, obviously comfort overgrowth today? Okay. Each time that you choose discomfort for the sake of growth. It counts even half of a step catching yourself about to avoid, and then doing a slightly braver version of that counts.

It's a different move than you've made before. Okay? And each time you step out of what you've done before, you're creating a new version of yourself. Because as you've heard me say many, probably many times, some version of this, we are who we are today because of the actions we've taken in our past. actions are what makes up, uh, us our identity. The evidence that we have, that we hold inside in our subconscious, that is what creates who we are. So if you don't like where you currently are in life, don't base your next decision on your past decisions. Don't keep doing what you've done because that's safe, because you know it, you want, you're gonna have to, in order to create a different, , result for yourself, you have to do different.

And so the best way to create safety for yourself and also create, growth, like a pattern of growth for you, I, I say, is like, I am big on massive action taking big action to get big results. But at first, if you're still trying to create nervous system safety, it helps to take the small actions because small actions in the, it's like, you know, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon that, the small actions like don't start working out and go balls to the wall the first day.

'cause then you're gonna have probably, sustain some injuries. And then you're not gonna be able to go back to the gym at all. And so it'll be like a once and done thing or a few times and then done thing. But if you start slow and, make it consistent, then you create a pattern of change.

I know that you guys know this, but it's always good to hear it again too, especially if you are coming from nervous system activation, um, dysregulation, that Mark Manson thing that I already talked about, Which choice will I regret not taking to Moss in six months from now and what have you. I've used my own version of that since, as, as I told you, if I'm scared to send an email, if I re record a vulnerable episode, like I'm really super vulnerable in some of the episodes where I'm like, oh, should I even post that?

Or I wanna edit it out. that's happened many times. Or if I want to tell somebody like, stand on my my Truth, and I've been holding it back, I'll pause and ask myself tomorrow, will I regret editing the thing out? not saying what I really mean, whatever it is. Well, I regret not doing this. And then in six months, six months go by and nothing has changed because I stayed in my comfort zone.

[00:32:09] Future You, Regret, and Growing Your Life Back

Will I regret? Not at least trying, because that's the real failure. You guys, It's failing on purpose before you even get into the game. Why not put yourself out there in a way that's different than what you've done before?

Because it creates this much wider range for you to live in each time you do it. because that's the one thing that coming from alienation, we have also assisted in making ourselves and our world smaller. Yes, they have done it, but then we go and put so much more on top of ourselves and create like these corridors.

I'm picturing in my mind of like dark corridors like living, I was just talking about this with a prospective client the other day. I was living like a rat. My dad used to tell me I was living underground. For years, you know, back when I was in the house on the hill, avoiding all the things because I, in my mind, that's where I was forced down to.

But I didn't realize that I had forced a lot of that on myself because I wasn't taking moves out of fear, out of just what I'm talking about here, self-doubt and all the things. So you've gotta, in the beginning, start taking baby actions. so well I regret not at least trying. Asking that to yourself cuts through a lot of the noise because suddenly the question Isn't what feels safer right now, it's which one is my future self going to be grateful I chose.

which is everything. It shifts you out of protecting your current discomfort because that's what happens. You wanna protect like the, the

ouchie zones, if you will,

into caring for the version of you you're growing into, who's coming later. So for you that might sound like, well, I regret not getting a second legal opinion. 

[00:33:58] Why Writing Down Your Experience Matters Now

Will I regret not putting my experience in writing while it's still fresh? I talk about this a lot too. Gosh. I mean, I really wish I would've done more writing than I did back in the day because I would've had more to share with you guys.

And also it would've really helped me to organize my thoughts in my mind, because between then and now I revised my own version of my story and I was just talking about this with another client, I'm doing story work with her. now I wish that I would have kept those earlier written versions of my story.

to see the evolution. Um, and if you guys don't know what I'm talking about, I, I have my clients write out, and I did this, let me talk about me. my coach had me write out my current story, write my life, like what I thought about my life, in the dysregulated way, how I was really feeling at the time, , like all of my hurts, all of my pains, the reasons why I did what I did, why the alienation happened, all that, right?

And that story was a story of victimization, that first one. And over, um, the last, I don't know, seven, eight years. I have revised that story multiple, multiple times. But the early versions I really would love to get my hands on again. And I don't know where they are because it would. Be really helpful for me to share with you guys and also with my clients.

But they were all very victimy stories and I couldn't see it until I pulled the facts out and looked at them with my coach, and then it was like, oh yeah, wow. I don't want this story anymore. So today, my whole point of this is that, um, today I don't even remember what a lot of the stories that I was holding onto are anymore because they're not even part of my identity anymore.

Like, about what happened with alienation. Y'all, I chose not to keep a lot of that stuff. I chose to let it go outta my memory. And so I only have a select few. Anyway, we could talk about that at another time. My whole point is. Writing things down while it's still fresh in your mind is going to give you a lot of clarity now and later. Okay? All right. 

[00:36:06] Start Your Healing NOW (Don't Wait Until Court is Over)

Will I regret not starting my healing work until after this is all over, holy crap. If I had a dollar for every time or dime for every time I heard that,

i'll just wait until all of this is done. I'll wait until I get through court. Oh my gosh. Like starting your healing before or during is the way to go because you're gonna handle all of your situations so much differently while you're doing the healing work than you ever would. if you wait and you put it off and you're still not healed.

I mean, it makes so much sense when you think about it, but we are so easy to throw our own selves under the bus or like put ourselves in the back burner and just deal with the really, pertinent like the, a lot of times it's not a choice for you because there's court hearings and, um, obligations that you really just can't avoid. Well, you could, but then anyway, , my point here is choosing you while you're doing all that. Oh my gosh. What a difference it makes and how much money actually that you save by choosing you while doing whatever else is going on. Because it'll help you to deal with all of the busyness of your case when you learn how to manage your mind efficiently, effectively during the chaos.

Oh my gosh. It's like night and day difference, And it's the same thing with like, well, I regret not starting this book, putting out this blog, doing whatever it is that you wanna do for yourself, for your healing. I hear it all the time too, is, oh, I'm just not ready. I'm not ready because I'm not healed enough yet, or I'm not, knowledgeable enough yet, or whatever it is.

But the knowledge comes from taking the action, anyway. You don't have to leap into the biggest, boldest action that, my previous question points to. You can shrink it down to the smallest doable step like I was mentioning a minute ago,

but even that tiny step, choosing with the future you in mind is you stepping out of the comfort regret loop on purpose. which will start shifting your identity just with these different new choices that you're making. growth motivated choices that you're making.

[00:38:28] Homework: Track Your Self-Doubt for Next Week's Episode

so in a minute I'm gonna connect this, what we've been talking about today to what we're gonna be talking about next week. Because the part of you that argues against taking whichever step is in front of you,

even when you concede that you will regret not taking it, is your self doubt. And that's the voice we're gonna work with in the next episode. So let's lay this. We've talked today about the comfort regret loop.

This is the cycle where a growth opportunity appears. Your nervous system freaks out, and your brain offers you comfort and inaction as the safer, more responsible choice, even though that's the exact choice that creates regret down the road. We challenge the idea that regret mainly comes from failing.

For most of you as the alienated parents, the sharpest pain isn't actually from the things that you tried and messed up.. It's from the chances.

You never took the conversations, you never had the boundaries. You never set and the ways that you didn't back yourself when it mattered. We also talked about how over time choosing comfort stops being a one-off decision and starts to become who you believe that you are.

Your brain learns. We survive by avoiding, We stay small, we stay quiet, and then we wait. This is the alienated parents' story, . And then of course you keep doing that because your brain is rewarding you every single time with a little hint of relief, right? And underneath all of that, there's this huge lie we've been sold that motivation, confidence, and certainty come before you act.

They have to come before you act, that you should wait until you don't feel scared. Wait for the perfect time, . But what we know now, is that motivation and confidence are created, created by taking action, especially small, imperfect, imperfect action.

While you're still unsure, B minus even C plus work is perfect. For this, just more about getting it done, doing something different, you are never gonna get it perfect at first.

Uncertainty is not a sign that you're doing it wrong. Uncertainty is the name of the growth game. So here's what I want you to do with all of this. First, start noticing your crossroads. When you feel that urge to avoid, to delay, to scroll, to stay quiet, to make yourself small. Just name it, oh, this is a comfort or a growth moment.

You don't even have to choose growth yet. You could just call the moment what it is. Then the second thing that you do is that when you're at that fork, borrow the question that changed things for me eight years ago, right? Which is to ask yourself, which choice will I regret not taking tomorrow?

How about in six months from now? Not which choice is the safest, not which one guarantees the best outcome, just which one will future you wish you would have tried? . And the third thing is to choose bite-sized growth actions that move you in the direction you wanna be headed. Okay. It doesn't have to be the big dramatic 10 out of 10 terrifying version. You don't have to overhaul, like I said, just the, maybe the three outta 10 stretchy version.

Send the email, book the consult, write the draft, ask the clarifying question. Put one stake in the ground. Your future self is a coming either way. They're coming. You don't get to opt outta that part. The thing that you get to influence here, is whether they're carrying the weight of regret for your comfort or gratitude for your courage, You do not have to get this perfect. You don't have to suddenly become the person who always chooses growth. Just start by choosing it once today even in a tiny way. Let that be enough and keep it going. Here's your little homework between now and next week. Whenever you reach for comfort or in action,. I want you to listen for the sentence of self-doubt that shows up. it might sound like you're gonna make it worse or you're not that kind of parent.

You never follow through. So why bother something like that? Write those sentences down somewhere. Just in your notes app, wherever you can make a list of them, because next week we're gonna take those exact self-doubt sentences and work with them directly. We'll talk about why your current identity fights so hard to keep you in comfort, and how you can start building evidence for a different story about who you are.

If today's episode hit home for you, it would mean so much if you shared it with another alienated parent who stuck in that comfort, regret loop and quietly beating themselves up.

Their brain is just doing what brains do. It's just brain and, and there is another way. Alright, my friends, I love you and I'm proud of you for listening to a conversation like this because it means that you care about the you that comes next. And I will talk to you next week. I'm gonna go to my dad's for St.

Patrick's Day. Bye.

Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-sized clips and tips, be sure to find me on TikTok or Instagram. See you next week.