This video will help alienated parents to turn their PAIN into PURPOSE! In this mash up/ best of compilation, Shelby (host & alienated mom, herself) reflects on her personal journey through alienation, discussing the emotional complexities, the necessity of managing one's mindset, and finding resilience amid adversity. Shelby encourages listeners to redefine their identities beyond being victimized parents, embrace the contradictions in their feelings, and strive for personal growth and meaningful living despite the challenges. She underscores the importance of taking action, setting goals, and nurturing unconditional love for their children, even from a distance. Shelby concludes with a philosophical perspective on life, pain, and personal evolution, and purpose.

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Episode Transcript

 You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 150. Stay tuned.

  📍 📍 Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned.

 Hi you guys. How we doing today? It is episode number 1 5 0. So in honor of that, we are gonna be doing another best of episode. There's actually, , I already made them. There's an volume three is today and there's gonna be a volume four. I'm either gonna do that next week or I'm gonna space it out and do it, um, a little later.

I haven't decided that yet, but

that's what's in store for you. Um, but anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it. I do. You know, I like these because I feel like you can get like bam, bam, bam with all the, the good motivational stuff, right? Coming at you one after another. Um, I did structure this one a little bit differently, but you'll see. I mean, I don't know, maybe you'll notice, maybe you won't.

Um, also, I wanted to read out a new review. We have you guys, so, let me get to it right now.

Okay, so there are two reviews here, and so one of them says, captivated by the truth. Shelby relates experiences that are common for people dealing with parental alienation. She breaks down why we have certain feelings or develop certain patterns and habits. This is so helpful to hear and know that you are not alone in what you are feeling and how you are coping.

It's a wonderful podcast, so truly grateful. Thank you so much, Sosa. I really appreciate it. and I know that reviews like these and also the next one are so helpful as you guys hear me talking about for other parents that are looking because

the more reviews that we get, the more exposure that Apple gives us. So I really, really appreciate it. And then the next one was just the other day too, from blessed Mandy. And I know who you are, I think, her title says Blessing. And she says, this has been a life-changing podcast for this alienated mother.

Shelby's an amazing example of turning pain into purpose. I'm so grateful for you, Shelby. You are transforming lives. Thank you. And I know what you meant there, but just know that y'all are the ones with the power. You transformed your life. I'm just helping you along the way.

Being the, the, the guide, if you will, but you have the power to transform your life. So thank you so much to the both of you. And for all of you that have written reviews and even just comments on the, episodes, the more engagement. I mean, not just is it great to have the exposure for the show for other alienated parents.

But also I love engaging with you guys. And so the, yeah, it's just the more that you guys engage, the more that I can then engage back with you, especially, you know, on a one-on-one level, like just like this right now. Or like when you comment on, on either YouTube or um, on Spotify too, then I can comment right back to you there and keep a conversation going.

So anyway, now I hope you guys enjoy this episode. And I will see you next week. Okay.

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 When these symptoms started, I didn't know what was going on and before it started to show up in my body, had no clue, no clue how to handle  my two year old coming home from dad's house with her fingernails painted black and her bangs cut.

When she'd never had her bangs cut. the, stalking, the harassment, the constant emails, the shit that we as alienated parents deal with. not stuff that we're taught, not in an effective, helpful way, any way, at least I wasn't,

no matter how alienated you are, , just the mere fact that somebody else has been standing in the way of you and your children  is a lot,  it is not normal, if you will.

 It's not, what we expected of our lives.

When I thought about becoming a mom, this was never in the cards.  And I know that I probably speak for every single one of you out there The stress is off the fucking charts And that is why it is so important that you learn how to every day, all the time, while you're sleeping, while you're awake, while you're driving, while you're working, while you're sitting, while you're cleaning, while you're whistling, I don't give a shit, manage your mind effectively.

 We 📍 📍 📍 all 📍 just want to be happy all the time. We want to be joyful, gleeful, motivated, all of those kinds of feelings. 

Of course we do, but going through what we have, we also are going to have these moments where it's not all, you know, roses. Think we all learned that in preschool. But, the second the emotions do come up, our bodies like freak out, like, "  no, No, no, no! We shouldn't be feeling this! It's been too long.

We should already be past this!"  Either busy ourselves out of it and go! Go! Go! And Let's redirect pick up an extra shift at work or get busy around the house or call somebody Surround yourself with tons of people avoid avoid avoid or We sit in it and then question it like"  why am I feeling this?

I don't understand. Why is this coming up again? It's been however long I have already been through this pain."  If it's coming back up for you, clearly you haven't, there's more corners, edges, , remains that are left over, But .  We want to make it mean something about our past or our future,  right?

We usually either minimize what our past was " Well, they must not have cared about me anyway. . They must have always cared about the other parent more," which when we're actually using our higher thinking and know the dynamics. Of coercive control, then we know that this is not the case, You did once have a very close, loving relationship, right? But in the moment, emotional brain will want to talk you out of that because it wants to like, Shut down the discomfort of today.

So if we convince ourself that the relationship was just doomed from the beginning, then we can feel better about moving forward. And maybe we'll get out of the pain that we're experiencing in the now. That's really, what your survival brain is wanting you to do is let's just get out of this pain.

So let's minimize what it was for us. And maybe that'll get us there

  📍 📍 📍 📍 When you choose to spend time on and Believe that they hate you, that everything you do irks them, gets under their skin, rubs them the wrong way,  and no matter what you do, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. 

Of course, you're going to dread the 24 hours before come home and then when they're home the entire time. 

So you walk on eggshells, you talk a little quieter, you make all their favorite dishes and hopes that this time will be the time that they:  "Oh, this is amazing. Thank you!" Just praying for a little 📍 twinkle in their eye. 

You bend over backwards. In hopes for breadcrumbs for one tiny little glimpse

it's natural, our kids aren't loving us in the way that we think it should be. And so you're like, "NO. let's fix this". They need to get back to loving me. Right,

let's get back on that track. Figure out how to make them react the way that I think that they should, but that's going to be

a chase to always be trying to elicit a response from them.

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 If your goals are: I'm waiting for my kid finally realize that the other parent's been lying to them.  That's kind of a low quality you're not stepping in your own power and placing the focus on the things that you can control right now.

you will always feel burnt out because your kid is never realizing soon enough. make your goals attainable for you to measure based on your actions, your thoughts, your beliefs, Your emotions. Having resilience is key to attaining any of the goals and the biggest one being, living a life of meaning during this whole alienation thing

.   📍 📍 📍 📍 I remember , when, it was just all happening for me, at the time I was married to the other guy, he had a few kids of his own,  at that time stepkids, this was my house where Scarlett and I lived, before. She had just left like months before that. And so when his boys came over for the weekends, they had to sleep somewhere. His middle child would always sleep in my daughter's room. it was so difficult for me at that time because I wasn't ready to say that my daughter wasn't going to come back home I was getting ready to sell that house to go back to court, in no way shape or form was I giving up but at that time I didn't understand what was going on with me I just knew that I really hated it When his middle child would go and stay in my daughter's room, because I really needed her room to say exactly how she left it.

Like I really needed that, you know, it makes me so sad to think about me being back in that time because. I wasn't able to hold the space for myself I didn't know how, I didn't know what I was experiencing and what I was going through. I just didn't, want, anybody replacing my daughter. And I was sure as shit not going to change her room But on the other side of things, my husband at the time. kind of expected me to, he really wanted me to, redo the room so that it was more for his son, I felt bad he called me selfish. made it about. That I just didn't like him and that was not the case at all. I loved, I loved his kids, you know, I will go out into my garage for the entire weekend. That the boys were there because I, I felt like a, a stranger, like a visitor in my own home when they were there,

and if I was in the house, I used to go into like a panic attack because they would break things and like screw up my daughter's room It just was an awful place for me to be because if I spoke up then also there were other issues,  I was thinking about it today and I didn't give myself an opportunity to really fully grieve back then for the extreme loss that I was feeling I know that I attracted this second husband into my world, not knowing what I was doing. But he was a complete reflection Of the disrespect or the disregard that I already was showing to my own self, the erasing that I was already doing to my own self.

  📍 📍 📍 📍 de vilify the alienating parent, and even maybe the opposing, attorney, Take them down off that weird pedestal you might have them on as being,  like, the source of all evil.  And the way that you do that is by humanizing them and knowing that they are Both bad and good. There is good in them because there's good in every single living being.  It's not just like a smidgen of good. 

just for your own sake, consider, anyway, thinking that, you know what, they probably are a close mix of 50- 50  It's in there.  Even when it's really hard for you, more that you can find, good or , non threatening about them, the easier it will be for you to see the whole perspective of the situation So that you can, develop a strategy,

You want to be able to see all the angles. And this is the way that you do it. You take the stress away by making them at your level. Not below you, not above you, because when you think they have the advantage or you think that they're below you, it's going to cloud your judgment. 

 

📍 📍 📍 📍 Your perception of this world will determine your experience in this world. It matters. 

I resisted the 50 50 thinking because I thought, yeah, but for me, it's more like 70 bad, 30 maybe good, maybe 25. 75. I didn't want to fall for the 50 50 because I had so much bad going on in my life.

so, I was the exception to the rule. Alienated parents as a whole must be the exception to the rule because we have so much bad, and I don't know how you could say there's any good to this. My coach at the time was like, yeah, but maybe,  maybe you're adding all the extra suffering on top. So that is where that extra 25 percent bad is coming from . It's optional, You don't have to suffer on top of the bad that already is.  We are living in a world that bad shit does happen, away from alienation. I mean, dark, terrible things that happen. And I know that, you know, that, all kinds of cruelty. Unthinkable things.

That is the human experience But also there is. 50 percent good to even that out. I was like waiting around for the 50 percent good. Well, where is it tapping my foot? Okay. Well, I see all this bad around me. When's the good going to happen?

And then I realized wait a second,  what is I'm the one that creates the other 50%. What if it's me,  and the way that I affect you, and all the other people that listen to the podcast, or the good that I do during the day, or the good I have been making , for myself, and of myself, and my own daily life,   📍 and the way that I view just the little things that happen throughout the day.

 

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 Your brain is really smart and adept at distracting you when it comes to, any growth possibilities.  Which is awful actually to think about because we have this brain, the survival brain that works against us in today's world, because in today's world we don't need to be operating off a survival brain most of the time,

we don't have people running at us trying to kill us at all times. And especially while in the situation of, like, Going back to court for our kids 99 percent of the time, I would say survival brain is not helpful for us to be operating off of when we need to be using our higher thinking in order to get us to where we want to go.

So just remind yourself of that when it's trying to solve for shit that's, there's nothing you can do about. In a loving, compassionate way. even sense of fascination sort of tone, like the one that you would take with your darling four year old child, but serious , like a firm, loving, serious.

fascinated. You know what I'm saying? so it will try to tell you, bring you to all the reasons why you made the mistakes in the past. And that's why we found ourselves here today, or the reason why, because they did all those things back there that we are stuck here today. But again, all of that, you could say that for as long as you want.

Well, it's all their fault, their fault that I'm here. If they wouldn't have done this and I wouldn't be here and I'm with you. Like I could say that. You know, till the cows come home. I can say that all day long for weeks on end and be right, you know, I would be accurate, but what does that get me except for stuck staring at a wall, it gets me nowhere miserable, thinking about all the ways that I've been victimized.

You just feel worse about your whole life.   📍 📍 📍 📍 I always was the one that made do, And so that became my motto, like unspoken, unrecognized motto  is that I can just Do without,  Survive.  I can get by  I'll figure it out.  As a result, I have a high tolerance to a lot of unacceptable themes in my life.

Not just unacceptable people, which was true for a very long time, but I had a high tolerance to the pain therefore, in order for me to change,  all the shit had to blow up.  . It had to be to the point where it was unlivable, intolerable, in order for me to be like, Oh, okay, it's time for me to move.

Like, there's no other choice but Desperation, really, People like to say, oh, I'm just hard headed, I just don't learn my lesson. It could be this. You, your whole life, have learned how to make do. And if you're a Gen X baby, I think that a lot of us are this way, because we had parents that were like, it was like the wild, wild west. I mean, I know there was plenty of parents before us, but for whatever reason, our parents were completely, la di da, off in some other fucking world, that's why I was always like, Oh, I'm resilient. I'm rough and tumble. It's fine. I can make do. I'll deal. I would stay with the current state of my life for way too long. In many, many, many cases and scenarios.

And when people were treating me poorly. Would tolerate it. I knew that I could because I knew that I had quote, unquote, tough skin. But  just because you can tolerate something doesn't mean that you should or that you want to, you don't have to keep tolerating your life.  You don't have to you can actually move to it.  At the very least, a different head space  so that you're not just tolerating that you're seeing the good in your life today, that work alone will change your life. But you're telling yourself that you want your life to change.

Your life is making you uncomfortable right now for you so that you can move to the next frequency to the next version of you. You can't get there being the person that you are today. Life just doesn't give it to you. There are steps that you have to take for you to become the person that is in that life. you got to put yourself out in the line in whichever way that is, you know what it is

it's usually the thing that you're telling yourself that you either have to quit. You'll tell yourself like either later at night when you can't sleep, or, when you're driving home from work and you're like, yeah, I really should do that or I shouldn't stop doing that, whatever that thing.

Usually. maybe it's in a couple areas to don't just try the bare minimum do them all because the more that you do the more you will grow and the more levels you will go. You create more room for yourself, the more that you grow the more freedom that you get

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 the negativity of the alienating parent, or whoever's accusing you when you go back and resist that,   your in on that game.  You're co creating negativity with them.  you cannot fight negativity with negativity.

If you really want to win, you let go of the resistance. and commit yourself to your role, your path, your intentions moving forward. that is freedom. I promise you that

  📍 📍 📍 📍 Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about how, we lug around the baggage of our pasts,  trash bags of manure   and it's not only a pain in the butt and back to carry around, but every so often we set the bags down and we dig our hands into it and we rub all the manure of our past all over ourselves.

Like re traumatizing ourselves with all of the stories  and then wonder why our life stinks in today,  why would we use the stuff that has limited us dragged us down to create our future with that? why do we feel so obligated to hang onto that especially the negative. Of our past to define who we are today Because when we're looking back saying, I don't want what I have now.

And I don't want the stuff from back here. I don't want to be alienated anymore. I don't want this. I don't want that. Because our focus is there, that is all we will continue to recreate.

We cannot create something new by reaching back into our past and trying to bring that along with us. It will never motor us somewhere different. So instead of indulging in the negativity of your past or your present. Define yourself today by what you want moving forward.

 

Be willing to question all of your beliefs about who you are

based on how you've lived up until now. So many parents I know are struggling. So committed to holding on to knowing that they're right about how their life has been up until now.

When being right or wrong doesn't make a difference. it just only affects who you become, And if you're only thinking about the negative, pulling the negative from your past and making that define your future, then you're fucked.

Use your past, your present, all of it for you instead of against you. Be willing to let go of what you believe is true about you and about life in general

be willing to drop all of your history. Just let it go.

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 just because I say to not argue with reality and to manage your mind around anger and the shitty actions of somebody else I don't ever mean to give you the idea that you should just back down, bow down, or just take the first no, you get for an answer.

surrender.  Never, ever do I mean that,  it could be easy to get the impression that that's what I mean. That like, oh, just

take the, path of least resistance, right? Don't resist them if they're resisting you. That is true.  But that doesn't mean that you don't put up a fight if you believe it's a worthy cause,  like your children, the first no, that you hear it should not be the end.  This is the beginning of the conversation.  that is just the beginning. I don't ever want you to feel like, Later on that you should have done more,  You have every right to ask all the questions to all the people. Make sure that you're showing up to the challenge.  You can have anxiety about whatever's ahead of you and still continue on  and move through it. 

It doesn't have to be your cue to quit.  This is where I think a lot of parents end up going. Is like, I'm feeling too much anxiety right now. That must be a sign of what's to come. And if that's the case, then I'm just going to go ahead and bow out. Now I'm going to, cut my losses, lick my wounds and just play the waiting game.

Again, this could be the right answer for some, but  please. Please, please, please never make that choice. Have that be your answer. If it's coming from anxiety and fear,   📍 📍 📍 📍 it's an essential part of the healing to be in that victim mindset. For me, I was in that mindset until I got so sick of being in that mindset.  I didn't realize by doing that not only was I sticking myself out in an island, but an island that had no resources. I couldn't ever fix any of the problems that other people created for me because I never took responsibility for it.

And by taking responsibility, I'm not saying, , you want to part in it too. You need to take ownership. I don't mean it necessarily like that. It's just like, we can.

Recognize, acknowledge the whirlwind of shit that another person has caused. Be frank with yourself about what they have done, what they're doing, , has really hurt my life, and these are the ways.

And then also now I am responsible for cleaning all of that up i'm responsible for making new connections in my life staying vulnerable enough to keep in contact

to drip love To my children for my children now and not get butt hurt But instead show up in all the vulnerability because it's so worth it you guys

  📍 📍 📍 📍 if I continue to think believe that my kid hates me,

my subconscious is going to find all the evidence to support how my kid hates me.  But if I thought maybe my kid loves me, maybe your brain will go to work to find all the ways that your kiddo might love you. Maybe this is love. Maybe this is trust. Maybe because my kiddo feels, you know how they say like, it's the greatest compliment when your kid goes over to somebody else's house and they're so, nice to them, but when they're home with you, they're total disasters, right?

They're like, little monsters. But they're so nice to other people. Who knows? Who knows if that's not the case with this situation of alienation? Of course they feel comfortable being mean or dismissive of you

because they know. Here in their heart you will always love them and they do love you for that, but maybe they're taking a little bit for granted right now because they're being coerced by somebody else, so maybe it's possible that my kid this is their way of showing love to me and I know I've read so much data by the way, you guys to prove that this is true.

the, chosen parent, authentic parent. So, my kid hates me is just a 1st thought,

  📍 📍 📍 📍 Other people have the power to fuck our lives up, but we are the only ones who have the power to heal, to fix them.  I wasn't ever taking responsibility and brushing myself off, standing up for myself by myself. I always used somebody else as a crutch and labeled it as, Oh, well, I need the support because look at all everything I've been through and that's where I think so many of us get stuck.

There's a fine line between needing support and taking support during a time of need, , going on food stamps or public assistance that is meant to happen for a short period of time, not for the duration not since the alienation happened for the rest of my life, That's not the point. Of it. And if you're there, please understand that I understand that but I also think it would be really Helpful if you're there and you know that you are under earning and by under earning what I mean is you are capable of making more  or you want to make more  and you're not That is under earning , you can find a way, But most of the time, it's because of the limiting beliefs that we have, the reliance on other people or other things to pick up the slack for us, that we end up staying in this cycle, this toxic cycle of under earning, underachieving, self pity, entitlement. If you're telling yourself that things can only change when the support comes or when people start acting Right.

I just want to offer that that doesn't have to be so In fact, the sooner that you break that cycle, relying on others, the sooner that you will find your freedom. The problem is, breaking that cycle  is so scary to do. 

It's so scary because you're facing the unknown

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 Final draft of that for me is I'll never be happy again. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'll be more than happy.  because even though alienation happened and it's felt like the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Maybe this was my portal to open up my entire world. it's possible that I've only experienced a slice of the happiness that I will experience. A slice of the joy and maybe happiness then was   2D. Version  of what my life could be moving forward yes. I will always feel sadness and feel deep. Grief for missing out on the memories the time spent with, for me, my daughter and for you, your children and that, you never want to feel good thoughts about that part, You can hold that truth, but then know that this whole situation of alienation for me, it was definitely, I see that as like my portal into this Full HD world that I live in today because I don't just experience fleeting moments of joy, bliss.

like I did back then. Now, I experience all of the emotions, all of the textures, and it makes it that much more vibrant. I've never felt so alive, than After. This tragedy of alienation,

 

  📍 📍 📍 📍 how do you show up when you're thinking they're dangerous? They're evil? nefarious? Usually you're coming from fear. 

And coming from fear, you're not going to act in the most, up leveled way, You're working from a different part of your brain that does not use your reasoning, executive functions. But I today do not feel threatened by them.

Their actions, their intentions. Don't threaten me the way that they once did, so it is possible for you if that's where you want to get to, to not enter stress response every time you say or think their name, because in a stress response, you're not going to be your best advocate, you're not going to be your child's best advocate, obviously. It's possible that they seem dangerous right now, but that's because I'm thinking that they can threaten yada, yada, Really, their actions only speak volumes about what is happening inside them and their insecurity about whatever's at hand.

  📍 📍 📍 📍 Let me tell you, when you think this way, you will stay in a place of inaction until you die.  You will never get anywhere because there will always be something that needs to happen before you can go and do the thing. That's what your brain does. It does it really well, and it sounds really convincing.

It'll sound like it's a fact, like it's absolutely impossible for you to start the thing or attain your goal or even try because of whatever, extenuating circumstance because somebody else is already doing it better You don't have the skill or the knowledge or the confidence or the, wherewithal to get it done.

Your brain will tell you that you're not healthy enough mentally, that you're not, committed enough, that you're not confident enough, not smart enough, it will tell you whatever it needs to tell you to keep you in stagnation because in stagnation You don't have to grow I know you guys have heard me say this a million times over but in order for you to get past that and like get to The good stuff of life, you've got to move through, manage your mind around those thoughts or beliefs that you have that are holding you back,

So there's nothing wrong with the fact that your brain tries to talk you out of death. Doing the things that you know are going to make you the most happy. Right? There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, if that's what's happening with you, and you have a brain that's been convincing you to not do the thing, then just congratulate yourself because  you have a working human brain.

  📍 📍 📍 📍 my biggest regret y'all out there alienation has just started: don't stay silent and hope that things are going to get better,  bow down or back away because you're scared of retaliation on the alienating parents side. I don't mean that you're supposed to go tell your alienated child

so that you can get justice . You're not going to have a favorable result. But don't do nothing. Don't bow out because you're having feelings of unworthiness. Please, please, please don't do nothing or Not do what you know to be right because you're fearing them outing you in some way. This is my biggest, biggest regret ever. letting my shame get the best of me and not presenting the pattern of behavior by the alienating parents,  Talking about the stepmom too. I shied away from presenting all that evidence in court because I feared how they were gonna, make me look bad in court.

  📍 📍 📍 📍 Any goal that you have for yourself, the reason that you're not working towards it is a direct result of the unexamined rogue thoughts and beliefs  that you have bouncing around up in your head that you don't recognize as optional. Because you're believing them to be fact. That is what's holding you back.

I don't care what we're talking about. You could say, yeah, but Shelby, no, it's really alienating person. It's really the courts. It's whatever, whatever. Okay. I understand that those are, barriers, But what's holding you back from taking action is guaranteed thoughts that you have going on in your brain,

so right now, I want you to like, think about whatever goals that you have ahead of you. and if you don't have goals, and you're coming from this tragedy of alienation, Then you're likely just trying to survive, and you will feel burned out, you will feel,

easily frazzled, and like you're striving, So we, all of us, need a target to be working toward at all times. Or else we're going to end up feeling like we have a meaningless life. And then we add in our situations of alienation on top of it, meaning has been taken out of our lives in the way that we're looking at it. it's like a double whammy, right? And then we have no identity. no purpose more than ever after alienation happens, it's so important that we do have goals that we're working towards.

  📍 📍 📍 📍 grew into this new role as a mom and that's what defined me  I didn't even think about it,  most of us don't. Well, you become parents and it's like,  oh, I have this new role.

This is who I am. I'm a, dad now. I'm a parent now,  I'm going to live my life accordingly.  For me, I wasn't like I had to step out on a limb to make that part of my identity.   It's just sort of like the biology of you, and then I was a mom who had been wronged.  I'm a mom in turmoil.  I'm a mom who has been abused and has been forced into a very unfortunate situation.  And I'm a mom who is in constant stress response and is fighting for her life and her daughter's life and her daughter's happiness and growth,  And I was that way because  other people kind of decided that for me.  Again, I did not have to step out on a limb or do any sort of, , risky self discovery there, It just came on me. I was,  at the effect of the circumstances. that were presented to me. 

And then, after going to court and doing all the things, I was this mom who had been wronged,  but really wanted to be more,  but I felt like I couldn't be more because I was stuck because of all the things that happened.  So I saw that there was possibility out there for me. Like  there was another way.  I didn't have to continue defining myself as this damsel in distress, or like this mother in distress, but I couldn't.

I felt like there was too much in between the current version of me and  the place I wanted to be.  seemed like a pipe dream. Like,  how could I even try to get there because look what I'm drowning in right now.  

I was not fully ready. Even though I wanted to be up there. I was not ready to take responsibility for all of this because taking responsibility of all of this and the results of my life back then  meant that I had to confront.  that's really where I fault myself is because I, chose to numb as opposed to Look at the uncomfortable stuff,

 I felt like I was losing myself, my identity was, wrapped up in her. And before that, I didn't know who I was. I was just bouncing around. Having her really helped to ground me, at least in her. And my, , belief that I was, you know, I was here on this earth for something I had never been devoted to any body any being any anything the way I was to her like I've never known something so sure in my life until I had my daughter and then when all of a sudden that was in question my motherhood my ability to mother my safety and all that was in question boy did it rock my world. because I basically just three years before that, had her bore her. And, Developed and was continuing to develop this,

Foundation in her, which now looking back I know that that wasn't the solid foundation I truly today actually want and need, I would love to have my daughter home, but she is not the foundation back then I wasn't aware,

Don't let your head stop you from trying to get your dreams

  📍 📍 📍 📍 There was a story in my mind that told me I want to give to this little baby, even though right now she's taking, taking, taking from me because that's what babies do, eat, poop, sleep. And all of those things you are facilitating as the parent,  it's exhausting, but it doesn't fucking matter because you love them so much and you are willing to do anything for that baby the second that it comes out into this world, right? But they have not stated that they love you back. You just already created a story about, I love them and they love me and yay, everything is wonderful.

But the second you believe, any of us, , something has tarnished Their love for you, many of us, will be like, well fine, I'm not going to give my love back either.

Fine, I should guard my heart. Maybe I don't love them either. especially when they get in their teen years. You want to give them love, like if you're still in connection with them, if they're not reciprocating or they're telling you that they don't want your love,

many of us will have a , harder time showing it.

Because of the story in our head that tells us that we need to abandon our own love for them.

 

 You showing love to them is always the most brave, strongest thing that you can do and it's the best feeling. It's free flowing. Like, no matter what, you can have love for somebody, still draw boundaries, feel overflowing love for them, and also not, be a doormat at the same time.

You could give, give till you're, you know, blue in the, like, for your heart's content. Keep giving and giving and giving, and not actually be, Take an advantage of by them if you are giving because that is coming from your heart of unconditionally loving to benefit their highest self. Does that make sense?

Because then you're not , putting yourself out on the line. In fact, when you give love, then you open yourself up to more love. You open yourself up to the universe or whatever you believe in, replenishing that love and giving you even more than you had prior. giving love is always rewarded. It doesn't always have to come from the person that you're giving it to directly.

Yes, they can take you for granted, but it doesn't need to affect you and change your decision about what you decide to give from your heart for their best interest. Because you believe, it's something that will, no strings attached, support them in their highest journey.

 

 

You can never encourage their bad behavior by gifting them something unless you're doing it in order to win their love.  When you're doing it for something in return, then you will encourage the bad behavior because then you've just entered into a bribe.

You've entered into a contract with them, a transaction with them. I give you this and then you act nicely to me. And then we keep playing this game back and forth where if you're nice, then you get rewarded. You may not say that out loud, a lot of parents I'll hear, well, I haven't heard from them then, however, long. Why should I continue to give them stuff right there? It's, divulging. The expectation off the bat.

Okay, so then you're not giving coming from and that's ok.... By the way, when I say this, I'm not in judgment. I just want to make the point that when you're giving from that place of like, well, I'm giving because they're actually complying with my expectations on what I think that they should behave like in order to show them.

It's so sneaky, what good relationship boundaries are, or like good morals so that they can make it out in society. that's kind of bullshit. Like, yes, we should teach our kids how to behave and that there's a proper way to treat somebody. But when, you are telling them that they need to call you or they need to be kind to you, then you are putting conditions... you're withholding love from them for not being the kind of kind that you expect them to be. It's a transaction.  

 Persecuted by this person who's alienating your kids from you. So it makes sense why you would be so protective of yourself and want to place the blame because  you have been wronged.  We've all been wronged.  Our children have been very wronged. We've all been wronged.  that is legit,

and also if you let that define you and you are the parent that has been wronged, that is all you will produce in your life. And then you'll sit there twiddling your thumbs and wondering why you're feeling stuck. This is why.This is why,

You have to intentionally put yourself out there have the courage to stand up and say

I'm not just a mom who was wronged. I'm a mom who is out there, getting my hands dirty active in the trenches of my own life and the lives of others.promoting change within, our community. And change within myself.

  the struggle , doesn't need to indicate that you're on the wrong path.  Just  Allow yourself to consider how that might be possible because when you do, notice how you feel.  Maybe nothing has gone wrong and this is all part of my journey. It's gonna cause you to feel way less anxiety, is my bet, so that you can just do the next right thing and  your mind isn't clouded with all the ways everything has gone wrong.  Because when you think that everything has gone wrong, what happens inside of you? Your nervous system just completely activated, right? Your anxiety is heightened. of course, your brain is going to want to go to all the negative. looking out for all the danger, and not focused on what's ahead of you.

 

 that's what a best friend does for another best friend. Yes, you did it.

 Oh, you won that race. That's freaking amazing.  Let's celebrate. And the next day, what are you going to do next? I just want to be your biggest fan. Let's go. That's what a best friend does. And that's what I want you , to treat yourself like right now, going for the happiness, not going for the easy times.

When is life just going to let up? Think about that when you're asking for life just to let up. What are you saying about yourself and your capabilities and what your aspirations are?

Happiness , is knowing that you're on the right path, that you're moving forward, that you're growing. But if life lets up on you,

then you're not growing. You're staying stagnant, Because everything is easy.

 

        We're  so  quick  to rush out of uncomfortability because there is better, it's not, I promise you. of course, keep evolving yourself. But where you are is enough. You are enough.

Exactly where you are. . Keep setting your future you up. It's not like I need to be better. I need to get there because that'll say more about who I am as a person and what I've, overcome, it's an, "  AND..." It's I want to get there because that's what I've decided. And that's, what's going to make me proud for accomplishing it, But also, here is not bad. I am not less than, nor is the past version of me, ,  or the one that was the naive mother of a two year old who made some mistakes. She was a beautiful, whole, perfect person and mother, just as she was back then.

And whatever mistakes or moves that she made back then, she did those thinking it was the best, most protective thing, given the information that she had at the time. But there's no better or worse.

. My life isn't

superior now to what it was  It's different because I've taken the steps I've taken, But so who you are now is perfect

and I'm also looking to continue to evolve.  

a genie in a bottle. came and granted me one wish, what would it be? And I'd always say,  Oh, well, a million times over, I would go back to how everything was and get my daughter back and never have any of this stuff happen.

. But as soon as I say it, I always am like, is that true? of course, for my daughter's sake, but still even that. , who's to say that this isn't going to make her into the most amazing human in the world and who knows who she's going to help or who she's, you just never know Kind of like that, old fable with farmer and his horse, Good luck, bad luck, hard to tell something blows up in our lives, and we like instantly want to label it bad or good wrong or right difficult or easy it's human nature to want to label something so that we can settle our minds, know what we need to do to move forward, But a lot of times those labels are what get us stuck in repeating all the Events of our past I don't know if I ever want to give this back. You know, the, current version of me back, I was just thinking about this last night I was thinking about the past version of me back when my little one was like one and a half, two years old, and we were first living just her and I, about how

naive I guess I was, like, Oh gosh, I would love to go back to that time and experience those happy moments again, because I still do

There's a part of me that thinks back then was better, And that's something that I'm still coaching myself through. So there's this idea that's kind of stuck in the emotional part of my brain and the mom part of my brain. Which will always be there. But like that then was better because. It was bliss and it was enjoying all those moments and that part I don't think that I'll ever want to change.

But me back in that time I don't know if I ever want to go back to that person that I was then. Not that she was wrong or bad or anything, I just love what all of this has brought me. What I have made of all of this, It wasn't that the alienation caused it, It was what I decided to do with it.  

 

 no matter what happens,, I can feel close to her right here in my heart right now, right here, right now, just like I was talking to another Mom about looking at photos it's depends on what you're focusing on in those photos like older photos when you were with them.

You can focus on the loss and how things aren't the same as they were in that picture. And that would cause one of those, trigger ish moments, you know, sad moments, or you can focus on all the joy that you experienced with them in that moment it can cause you a whole different experience. I just remember that like I can feel close with her without her lifting a finger without me lifting a finger. Nothing has to change for me to have a good relationship and develop an even better relationship with my daughter. We don't have to speak at all.

And I can develop a better relationship with her. I can feel closer to her. I can set my intention decide the kind of mom I'm going to be. Day in day out as if she was just with me what I do doesn't have to depend on what she does or doesn't do,

 This is such a common thought and really belief that a lot of us have is I don't feel like a mom anymore is what she said if she's focusing on that, I mean, it makes sense. 

And I understand her. I had that thought for so long. And in fact, this weekend, my own experience, I had it , for a brief moment, and I'll explain it in a second. But.

When you're thinking about I don't feel like a mom, then you're going to find all the ways that you don't feel like a mom. instead understand that thought, acknowledge it, and then go, okay, it makes sense that I would think that, but how do I feel like a mom?

And see how that can cause you to start looking for the abundancy rather than looking for the scarcity, the loss, It's just little Redirects with every negative thought that comes your way. Well, how is it that it's the opposite of that? how do I feel like an amazing mom right now? Or how do I just feel like a mom? How is that true of my life? Well, I know I had a child. I have the birth certificate to prove that, right? How am I a loving mom? Well, I can find many ways that I'm a loving mom, even from afar.

 

we're isolated from our family and our friends And our children, for fuck's sake, So it makes sense that loneliness is where your brain would go. is " I am alone, therefore I'm lonely.?  Actually, it's not the case, at all. The only way that you can feel lonely is

If you are believing that you are truly alone and science already proves that that can never, ever be the case. According to quantum physics, a particle vibrating due to the sound that you make when you speak can affect particle inside of a star at the edge of the universe instantly.

Doesn't take light years to get there, instantly. This is known as

quantum entanglement. The greatest illusion of this universe is the illusion of separation, which to me is very comforting

you are never alone. Ever alone. Nor am I, and not only because our energies are all connected, but also you know, how many other parents are out there that have felt very similar.

 I needed somebody to guarantee me that this next step that I took was going to be the end all be all.  It needed to be the right answer because I couldn't afford to make any mistakes.

if I waste time or money or anything, I'm shit out of luck. But really, when you think about it,  it was never going to be the end all be all.  There's much more life to live. More money was going to come into my life. Somehow, some way, I was going to lessen my chance if I kept standing in the corner, though, staying frozen like this way better be the way the next way I choose has to be the one that was going to keep My whole life stagnant because I wasn't out there engaging raising my own energy so that I could actually make that money, I was living into my limitations and so that's all that came of it was more limits.

 My gut was wrenching in pain because I felt so lonely without my kiddo I had this story that daughter should always live with their moms. And that's what I was focused on And so it created a really ugly reality for me. It created this whole lack loss Shamy reality, so instead of focusing on the loss I'm just going to accept this for face value. And find all the ways that this is for me. not trick myself into believing it, but this is the story. How can I make this story one of abundance, Just because society says, and all the stories that have been written say that moms and daughters are supposed to live together this is the way it's supposed to go, doesn't mean that that's how every story should go and that's the only way they should go in order for things to turn out, quote unquote, as they should. Who is to say that my story isn't going to turn out to be the model one day? You just never know. So why not live into my story instead of the idealized romanticized story? And that way, at least there's no downside for me. Like What's the downside to, believing. That there is a good outcome and what is the upside to believing that it shouldn't be this way and Christmas be spent only with our kids kids should call on Christmas or birthdays or whatever.

What is the upside to thinking that way? 

if I feel supported. And that sense of belonging, then that's what my body chemistry is going to respond to, My belief about what is happening with me. it's really all about your perception. It's not about the external circumstances and who's surrounding you.

But that's what we're all taught. if you're feeling lonely, go surround yourself with people. And I'm not saying, you know, , I preach about all the time that we are communal creatures. But.

if I was to call my dad right now, I'd be like, dad, I'm lonely. He'd be like, we'll go get around people. He would give me a whole speech about the fact that I probably spent too much time alone and I should be around people that's most people's answers. if you feel alone, go find other people you won't be alone then. You and I both know that it definitely doesn't always change how we're feeling internally.

You can be surrounded in a room of people and feel Almost more alone occasion, If you feel like you're not supported or they're not sharing your views or don't understand, you and I have been there a lot. I'm assuming going through what we have

believing that you're not alone and that you're connected that you're supported It happens in internally, you can change all the circumstances, have kids call you, not call you, do all the things.

It's not going to change unless you believe

I was so worried about what they were defining me as you know, hiding my head at the store . feeling all the shame because I made these mistakes and all of a sudden I'm not a mom who loves her kid. I am now the mom who made all those mistakes  and that's not the case.  miserable existence, You're not your mistakes. You're not anything that's happened before. You made some mistakes in the past coming from trauma, But today, who are you and who do you want to become as a result of everything that you've brought yourself through?

find your power in it. Don't underestimate all of the efforts that have brought you here thus far. Just have some understanding and compassion for the past you that was doing the best that he or she could.

  tragic situation n of being called by our first name by our own Children, we then watch the step parent being called dad or mom.

nobody else can define who you are, , But you've got to own it.  We're so focused on what's being taken from us,  we forget to stand in our power  in who we are. 

And who we will always be. When you start speaking that over yourself, it's a lot easier for you to show up in that role for now. And forever, instead of holding onto the role that you once had, we're so scared to let go of for me, like the mom that was playing game one pre alienation, who wanted to just go on with life, dropping my daughter off at school, though I would love to be doing that again,

well, I mean, she's in high school. That would be a little bit weird, but you know what I'm saying? Playing that role for me to be gripping onto that so tightly is going to keep me Uncle Rico ing it in the past. I'm not that mom anymore. . I've developed so many more skills. So much more knowledge, experience

now I'm a mom who blank, blank, blank, Define that for yourself, before anybody else does. Don't let them do that for you. That's not theirs to define

  we're so mean we talk to ourselves like you shouldn't do that. , you should have known you should have done better.  Why do you, always get so angry about this? Why can't you? Get over this. You should be over this by now. We say terrible things to ourselves Just be kind to yourself know that in the beginning when you're trying to make the, things that you've done or the words that you think mean something about you, the simple thing to remember is  

where I think that there's a period here, there's an and,  and there's another sentence fragment that goes with it. you don't have to make the negative a positive, but you also don't need to make the negative statement or the negative thought, the end all be all.

 

contradictions can also happen with our kids, and the way that we're thinking about them, we can miss them and we can also be angry at them and that's okay,

 I know so many of you guys don't allow yourself this luxury, if you will, this right. This basic human right to love your life, even while you miss your kid.

You can feel very sad and want things to go back to how they were.  I mean, I suggest you do the work on that at some point,  but it's okay to wish that this didn't happen and also, be building a beautiful life for yourself.

It's okay to not feel grateful , for what has been done to you and your kid, kiddos, And also be working to rebuild your life. You don't have to be one or the other. See, and this is where I think so many of us get, um, tripped up too, because if you have been with somebody that was the kind of abusive or the kind of narcissist that, wanted to pigeonhole you, like,  no, you said you were this, and that's the story you need to stick to.

This is who you are, blah, blah, blah. You're the problem.  You know how they are, right? We feel like We need to carry that persona on and reveal that to whoever we meet next and all the things as if that has to be your only,  identifying qualities moving forward. 

 

The contradictions are reality. That's what makes us human, . Like I can be missing my kid like crazy, being angry for what my ex has done, but I can also be very excited about building the life that I'm building right now.

That can all go hand in hand.  I can be, so excited and in love with a partner, The life that I'm building here and still so angry about being here to begin with, Like, why aren't I back with my kid? I would take anything over that, but also at the same time, be madly in love with whoever I'm, building a life with, they don't need to be separate.

You can have both And you are not less loyal to the kid or to your partner or the kids that are living with you currently,   So many parents I know feel weight of giving love to the kids that are in front of you, like they're being disloyal to their children who are alienated, but your kids deserve that love and so for you to constantly be guilting yourself about giving them love because these, your alienated kids also need your love yet you can't reach them. Allow for both things to be true. You can be missing these kids, be wishing that you could also love them, but also be giving all of your time to your current kids. 

the problem is when we fight it,  when we start resisting either one of your realities, your truths, you start to notice that you're not present. having an internal war

and so then you start to judge yourself and making it mean that you're a bad mom for not attending to your alienated kids even though you can't and there's like actually not a possibility for you to access   that but we'll blame ourselves for it.  Because we're good at that 

 I don't remember where I heard it, but the idea is, you can hate injustice, and it'll cause you to tear things down, that thing down. 

Or, you can love justice, Loving justice is going to bring you a much better result in the end. Hating on injustice will cause you to judge, cause you to blame. You'll feel indignant dissatisfied, taken advantage of. But it's not fair.

They're doing this and they shouldn't be able to do that. And how are they getting away with this? And this is bad and they're bad and bleh, as alienated parents, one thing that I think we're all suggested to not do is go out and speak out and speak out in anger and be that person, right, that's hating injustice, it would just perpetuate that

stereotype for us, But, if we decide that we love and purpose ourselves for justice. Then you're looking at the solution, You are looking for ways to solve for the injustice. If we're feeling love towards the solution Then it doesn't leave much space for the anger towards a specific person or a specific crime whatever it is for you,

 

There's always a belief about you in the fear about them.  And that's the limiting belief that you really need to look at. Not what they'll do, I just take that as it's inevitable,   they probably will do the thing that you don't want them to do.   what are you Believing about yourself

that is not capable of handling whatever that backlash is?   If you have the ability to create thing that you want to create, just also trust and believe that you can solve for whatever you think that's going to mean for you

when they retaliate, And now if Your answer is they're going to think bad things about me, or they're going to go tell more lies. that's when you need to look at, okay,

is it worth it to stand on a corner for the rest of my life so that people won't talk about me? Or should I go make waves and let people talk anyway? they're going to tell lies. Does it really need to affect you?

that's the bottom line

 

you stay in the pain because the pain is providing you Some sort of benefit and so  for me, that pain was providing me An excuse to stay in certainty In stagnancy in the devil that I knew.

, and it  also staying in the pain provided me with a feeling of significance in that I felt special set apart because of what had happened to me.  Yeah, but that doesn't apply to me because I'm an alienated parent.  I didn't fit into the parent or mom group . But I didn't fit with the single people or the people that never had kids.

I was like this exception to all the rules.  And even though it was miserable and very lonely, like isolating,  right. And I know you guys can all understand that.  It also gave me this feeling of. Being set apart and being unique,  which I thought in a way I didn't think that's on the, you know, on a, conscious level, but thought it was, you Fulfilling that need to feel significant, sometimes as alienated parents, I think that if all the other avenues didn't work and we're not excelling at something in a positive way, then we just learn to excel at.

Fucking up in a way  underachieving,  and I know that this is a painful truth.  at least it was for me  I found this on my own. I think if somebody were to tell me this, that I would have definitely resisted it. It would have made me very angry.

To think that I was causing this or staying in this because it was by choice, you know, because I was wanting to feel special or unique from my pain.  Because really, honestly, I wanted anything but being in that awful, awful suffering and pain that, we all know so well, as a result of feeling alienated excavated from our own Children's lives.

 it's a pain that I wouldn't wish on anybody,  but because I couldn't find a way thrive through it, I chose to single myself out because of it,  and that provided me with that significance in an awful way. And it also provided me with that certainty of,  at least I know this. There's a lot of predictability in this. 

I don't have to risk failure. Um, Like I can just use the other people's choices to do what they did as an excuse for the rest of my life.  And that is why I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit with no exit doors back in the day. that was my, , visual for this fucking life on earth, but really living in hell place. 

I didn't want to risk my own, Disappointment in myself if I couldn't make it past the hump, because then what, what would that mean about me? If I dropped that persona, that identity of the battered, abused, Uh, alienated mom and wife. What if I dropped that? Then who the fuck was I? That is really, truly, it gave me this, this sense of certainty and security.

Because at least I was something. Who was I without that? I didn't know. And that was even scarier. You know, like who, if I'm not this mom, that devoted her whole life to her child, which by the way, again, I will say as much as I take so much pride in my motherhood, And being a mom, even though I'm not doing it actively, like I wanted to be before.

it is a noble position, all the active moms out there, that I would take back in a heartbeat, but I will also say that it wasn't, a feat to take on that role. It wasn't me risking anything to step into those shoes. in fact, it was just sort of the evolution of me, right?

Oh, now I'm a mom. This is what I do. It was, there was no risk involved.  There was a huge risk in letting go of that as my only definer, As my only anchor. Into the world. But that anchor was actually keeping me in a hell that I would never want to be in again.

 So what is keeping you in the pain of your situation of alienation?

Most likely is some iteration of that, of not wanting to let go of this story, of this identity that you've created for yourself because of what you're willing to see and the story that you're willing to retell to yourself, And reinforce for yourself. About why your life is currently the way it is. 

And if you continue to retell that story about why your life is currently the way it is because of somebody else, your life will never change.  Not by your hand anyway. And I don't want that for you, and I know that you don't want that for you. So in order to create something new, you have to  think. And believe something  new, dare to believe something new about you  and about what you're capable of and about even what your identity is now today. 

But I will always identify myself as mom always because she is my love. She's my heart.  She is just part of me.  and I will always continue to find ways to exercise that  God given right to, to mother her,  but also  I am so much more,  I am a mom who's been through hell now has paved her way back, , by helping herself and helping others.

All of you out there.  I'm a mom who strives to and thrives to learn and suck in all of the data and information and helpful tools and concepts in neuroscience and psychology that I can. In order to reinterpret and then regurgitate to you, and to support you to become your highest version of yourself. 

That's really who I am today.  I don't even think about it as that I have been wronged anymore. That was just part of my ex.  I'm still working on stepmom, but  he was just a pawn in my development  and I know that for my daughter, I truly believe that have to believe for me, that's my choice is that it's also

Doing the same thing for her. It's just that her road started sooner than mine and  I really, of course, as a mom, hope that she never has to go through the pain that I ever went through I also have to trust that she too, her soul chose this route for her. 

. She chose this and it was always meant to happen this way.  So that she could get to the, highest version of herself, Knowing that regardless of what happens, she, her soul will always rise above all of this earthly pain that we have.  And I know that sounds a little far out for some of you.

but I do think it's important for me, it was important to gain some perspective on life and death. Aside from my little world, right? That there was  bigger purpose and meaning to all of this.  And I choose to believe that it's because these are the lessons that I chose. This was the pathway, that I chose for myself beforehand.

Knowing that in the end, I'm going to get to exactly where I'm supposed to be. Learning the lessons. That I'm supposed to learn  if I'm constantly choosing to dive straight in to the wave willing to stay open and out of denial   if I were let's say if I were somebody that continued to deny deny try to buffer or Numb myself out of the current state Of my life, then I think I would probably perish and like, because I would have been resisting the constant evolution, something probably quote unquote bad would happen to me.

And then I believe that I would have had to come right back to this world again and experience all of the same exact circumstances. In another life until I decided to face it  who knows maybe that's what happened to me before I don't know.  I don't really get into the whole other lives things but I truly believe that that's what happens like people that decide to check out early or not to um face the stuff the lessons are there for a reason and so in some way shape or form I truly believe that you will end up facing them whether it's this life or another

Okay.

So that's what I have for you. You guys have a wonderful, wonderful day. Bye.