When & How to Reach Out to Your Child for Alienated Parents
When & How to Reach Out to Your Child Without Pushing Them Away
If you're an alienated or estranged parent staring at your phone wondering whether to send that text, this episode was made for you.
One of the most common questions from parents navigating estrangement and parental alienation is: When do I reach out? How do I do it? Am I making things worse by reaching out — or by staying silent? This episode breaks it all down in a grounded, compassionate way.
Healthy Persistence vs. Anxious Pursuit
The most important concept covered here is the difference between healthy persistence and anxious pursuit. Healthy persistence means showing up as a steady, loving parent over time — not to fix things immediately, but because it's who you are. Anxious pursuit, on the other hand, is reaching out to regulate your nervous system through your child's response. Your body will usually tell you which one you're in: healthy persistence feels tender but grounded; anxious pursuit feels urgent, tight, and desperate.
Neither state makes you a bad parent. But knowing which one you're in tells you what work needs to happen first.
The 3-Question Pre-Send Checklist
Before reaching out to your child, run through these three questions:
- What's my why? Are you reaching out as an expression of your values, or to manage your own discomfort and their opinion of you?
- What's my capacity? Can you tolerate no response — or a cold one — without spiraling? If not, regulate first, then decide.
- What's my pattern? Is this a simple, loving bid for connection, or are you trying to litigate the past and correct the entire narrative in one message?
What to Say — and What Not to Say
Simple, short, pressure-free messages are almost always the right move. Examples include birthday messages, holiday check-ins, and gentle "I'm here when you're ready" notes after a long silence. The episode also shares a real message sent to the host's own daughter — a heartfelt, no-pressure note that honors both the relationship and her daughter's autonomy.
What to avoid: messages that demand a response, accuse the other parent of brainwashing, or try to argue the entire history of the relationship. These messages discharge your pain but don't build bridges — and they often reinforce the very narrative you're trying to overcome.
For Parents Still in the Parenting Plan
This episode also addresses parents who still have parenting time with a resistant teen or tween. Whether it's a court-ordered phone call met with eye rolls or a weekend visit where your child locks themselves in their room, the guidance is the same: show up consistently, keep bids for connection low-pressure, and let the energy you bring do the work. Forcing long conversations or turning sarcastic only puts your child in the driver's seat.
The Bottom Line
There is no perfect message that guarantees reconnection. Your job is not to mastermind the relationship — it's to show up in alignment with the parent you want to be, respect your child's stated boundaries, and take care of your own nervous system so you're not asking your child to be your emotional regulator.
That awareness alone is progress.
π¬If this resonated with you, share it with another alienated parent who might be staring at their phone right now. And if you'd like personalized support, a clarity call is available through the show notes.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
When & How to Reach Out to Your Child Without Pushing Them Away
Hey, y'all. How we doing today? So today, we're gonna be talking about one of the most nerve-wracking questions that alienated parents have, Alienated and estranged parents actually have, okay? When and how do you actually reach out to your child? Under what circumstances? And what does it look like, do you text? Do you wait? Are you making it worse by saying something? Are you making it worse by not saying something? Are you being loving? Are you being persistent? Are you chasing? I know this is a question. I hear it all the time from you guys.
I get texts and emails and what have you from parents that are wanting to know, "Should I, should I keep inviting?" I talked about this a little bit last week, which was part one. Um, "Should I keep inviting even if they don't respond, or should I not? Should I send them a present? Should I..." You know, all of that, so today, I'm gonna give you a simple way to decide, one, whether it's a good time to reach out, okay. Two, how to do it in a way that feels grounded and respectful, Is respectful. Um, and how to tell the difference between healthy persistence and anxious pursuit in your own body before you ever hit send or reach out or have the conversation, you know, depending on your situation. think of this episode as your pre-send ritual or pre-connect ritual, Anytime you're hovering over the button, anytime you're hovering over the idea about connecting, you can run through what we're gonna talk about here today. So l- I will be talking... The way that this episode is titled and structured, it g- sounds like it might just be for adult children, like maybe that you have been no contact for a long time.
But I will actually be-- H- I have a section devoted to parents who still have their parenting time, And what that might look like for maybe a hostile teen, pre-teen, you're either picking up for a few hour visits, you know, dinners or stuff like that, or even overnights or weekends, whatever that is.
I have a section for it. So I just wanna let you know that now, okay? That this episode can still be for you because a lot of this really has to do with you, your nervous system, and how you're thinking, believing, and your experience of all of this, okay? 'Cause so often I hear parents tormenting themselves around if and when, you know, or waiting for the perfect time to do all the things, okay?
So it's for everybody, anybody that's estranged, alienated, or cannot figure out how to connect with their child. All right.
[00:02:46] Why Your Child's Silence Triggers You (Last Episode Recap)
So in the last episode, we talked about what you're making your child's silence mean about you, right?
Things like, "I'm a bad parent. They hate me. It's over. I've ruined everything. The other parents ruined everything." However, right? and We looked at how those stories live in your nervous system, And how they color the way that you see every notification, every l- lack of notification, every little piece of data.
If you haven't listened to that one yet, last week's episode, I do recommend going back because the meaning you're assigning to their silence is what drives a lot of the frantic overreaching behavior, we're gonna be talking about today, But today we're shifting from happening inside your head to what you actually do with your hands and your phone, or your self, your system in front of them when we get to that one section, okay?
[00:03:35] Healthy Persistence vs. Anxious Pursuit: Which One Are You In?
So I wanna start with a distinction that will help you so much when you're deciding whether to reach out, which is, healthy persistence versus anxious pursuit.
Healthy persistence sounds like: I wanna keep showing up as a loving, steady parent over time, even if my child isn't ready to respond yet. I'm not trying to fix every-everything in one text. I'm not trying to change their view immediately, or even at all.
Uh, anxious pursuit sounds like: I need them to respond so I can stop feeling this panic, this shame, or emptiness right now. You know? It's like I just need them to get back to me.
I just need to know that they're okay. I just need to know that they still love me, whatever it is. So what I'm saying here is that with anxious pursuit, the outreach becomes a way for you to try to regulate your nervous system through their reaction.
So the hack here? Your body will usually tell you which one you're in, healthy persistence might have you feeling a little fluttery in the belly, a little nervous, right, but mostly grounded. You might feel tender, but still open-handed, open-hearted, right? There's some space still in your chest. You're not feeling tight or urgent, okay? Anxious pursuit feels urgent tight and desperate.
It feels like: if I don't do something right now, gonna explode.
Your brain is racing, your shoulders are up by your ears, probably you're refreshing your phone a lot, and your thoughts are very all or nothing, right? If I don't get to talk to them, if they don't see blah, blah, blah, then this means something for the rest of time. Or make it yours I want you to hear this clearly, y'all. Neither state that I just explained right there makes you a good or a bad parent. Nothing is wrong with either of these states. It just tells you what work needs to happen first.
It's an, it's a necessary part of this whole, uh, journey that we have as alienated parents. I went through this too. It's like, where do I-- where's the line for me? And nobody out there would ever... I didn't, couldn't, for me anyway, this was years ago, I couldn't find any definitive answer for this. Like, no, I need to know guidelines.
I need to know rules about when I c- how to be and what that looks like and what about these circumstances. So this is gonna be kind of like that today. But anyway, it- it's okay. If you're still feeling anxious pursuit, it's okay. That just means that right now, your work is internal, and that's okay. That's fantastic news, okay? So
if you're in healthy persistence, your work is send the simple values aligned message to them, or however you're reaching out to them, and then go back to your life.
No pressure, If you're in anxious pursuit, on the other hand, your work is regulate first and then decide what you want to do about contact, okay? Coming from a regulated neutral space. Neutral may be too strong of a word. I know that sounds backwards, but it might be a, a stretch yet. A loving yeah, grounded, calm place, okay?
So let me give you a quick example. Let's say it's your child's birthday. Healthy persistence might look like you send one short, warm message, "Happy birthday. I love you. I'm thinking of you," and then you go about your day, You notice your feelings, but you're not glued to your phone, and you're not making their lack of response mean something catastrophic or mean something about you.
you're not letting that, spiral you, take you into a, a downward spiral where you end up on your couch or inside of a bottle all day, okay? Funny, not funny.
Anxious pursuit, on the other hand, might look like you send that birthday text, right? And then you're checking your phone every two minutes, drafting follow-ups in your head, stalking their social media.
Maybe you're sending the follow-up, spiraling when you see that they were online, right? And that you've been left on read. On read receipts. Okay? S- or maybe you're not even sure if they received the message, so you're making up all of these, "This must mean blah. I wonder what's going on with them," or, "They're busy with practice.
They're doing this or doing that." You've got your mind is going through all of the scenarios. That's where the anxious pursuit is, okay? Same occasion that happened, right? The difference is the state that you're in while you're doing it, the state of mind that you're in, and body that you're in while you're doing it, and the job that you're assigning that message that you sent or that outreach, whatever it was, to do for you. Does that make sense? Like, the, the motivation behind it, the purpose behind the message is different.
[00:08:29] 3 Questions to Ask Before You Reach Out to Your Estranged Child
So I've Before you reach out, I want you to pause and walk through three quick questions, checks with me, You can even save these, just jot them down in, like, your notes app. The three questions are, what's my why? What's my capacity at current? And what is my pattern? Okay? So let's go through them one by one. Question one is, what am I trying to get from this outreach? What's the purpose of this?
If the honest answer is something like, I want them to see that I'm not the monster I've been painted out to be, okay? That's one way it could be. Or it could be the, uh, if you're angry right now, I want them to finally admit that they were wrong or finally tell me that they love me even.
The next one I have here is, I need them to respond so that I can settle down, so that I can stop worrying, so that I can make sure that they know that I love them, you know? Which sounds great. It sounds noble. It would make sense in a regular world. Mm, I don't love how I said that 'cause I know that they can be activating, but let's just move along,
so if this, this is you, then you're in anxious pursuit. Your nervous system is hoping that their response is going to regulate you, soothe you, or fix how you feel about your situation or, or yourself even. Okay? Nothing wrong with this. There's no judgment whatsoever.
It makes sense. We're, we're, we're community beings, right? We're pack animals by nature and our own family, it makes sense why you would be there. Healthy persistence, on the other hand, sounds more like, " I'm sending this because this is the kind of parent I want to be, that I aspire to always be."
Someone who reaches out on birthdays and holidays, someone who keeps the door gently open, whether they reply today or not, or next week even or not. It's just that you are showing... And if you guys have been listening to me for a while, then you know this is how, what I preach. You want to be able to reach out to them just because c- coming from love and just because.
Not because there needs to be some sort of reciprocation. Okay? That is freedom. I mean, you can-- I- we've all done it the other way too, but this is where your frequency raises, and the energy
Is clean. Okay? So, um, notice the difference. In healthy persistence, the outreach is an expression of your values, not a bid to control their feelings or fix your own. So let me say this again. In healthy persistence, the outreach that you, however that is, is an expression of your values. It is not a bid to control their feelings or fix your own.
To sum that
If your why is mostly about managing their opinion of you or escaping your own discomfort That's your cue. That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to reach out too. I need you to know that, okay? It means no shame, but something in me needs care before I make this decision to go outside of me.
number two. Question number two is, do I have the emotional bandwidth to tolerate no response, even a cold response, without spiraling? This is your capacity question, This is where so many alienated parents override themselves.
Because you've heard things from all the professionals, like, "never give up, you have to keep trying no matter what. " And out of love and fear, you end up throwing yourself back into the line of fire when your cup is completely dry, completely empty.
Healthy persistence will honor your nervous system and theirs all at the same time. Sometimes the bravest and most loving thing that you can do is say, " Not today. Just not today." Doesn't mean not ever.
Today my job is to tend to my own grief and my own wellness. I can revisit this question, uh, tomorrow, in a week, or in a month, or when I'm feel more resourced. And when I say feel more resourced, I don't mean that you need all this extra helps to be fixed, It's just feel more resourced internally, So that you... And supported, even if that's internally, so that you're not reaching out to them for So be really honest with yourself here: if they don't respond to this, what happens inside of me? This is what you do before you do the, whatever the outreach is.
Okay? If they don't respond -- or they don't respond, quote unquote, nicely or how I would love them to respond, what happens inside of me? If your answer is, "I'm gonna obsess over it. That's what I did last time. I'll stop sleeping." I'll reread the text twenty times.
I will torture myself about what I said wrong. I will look into what this means about them or what's going on for them and all that stuff. That is important information. It's data. Okay? It doesn't mean that you will never reach out at all, and I keep saying that. It just means that step one for you right now is to regulate,
talk to your therapist or your coach. Hi . Reach out to a friend. Go to your support group. Get outside. Do something that helps -- your system sort of settle, right? Work out. Get your body moving out in nature, whatever it is. Once you've done some of that, then come back to this question about contact.
Okay? number three is to check your pattern. So question three is, is this outreach part of an over-functioning pattern, or is it a simple, spacious bid for connection?
Over-functioning looks like sending long paragraphs trying to correct the whole narrative, explaining yourself and adding in tidbits of information so that they will understand the full picture, Apologizing over and over in the hopes that they'll finally forgive you right now, right? Um, or trying to squeeze in a full reconciliation into one conversation.
You wanna get it all fixed right now. You just wanna feel... If they can go back to normal, then you can feel normal again, is the idea.
A simple, spacious bid for connection, on the other hand, will look like one short message No pressure for a reply, no hidden agenda, agenda beyond, " I love you. I'm here, and I'm thinking about you." If you notice that when you reach out, you're essentially trying to litigate the entire history or convince them that you're not the parent that they've been told you are, That's anxious pursuit in a different outfit, getup, costume, however you wanna say that. It's you trying to regulate by getting them to see you differently, which I just said. Okay? So if you catch that pattern, you can pause and ask, " if I were just making a simple, loving bid for connection here, no convincing, no defensing, what would that message look like?"
Often what you come up with is a message that is way shorter, gentler, and easier for the both of you to live with, sit with, live with afterward.
[00:15:58] When to Contact Your Adult Child Who Has Gone No Contact
Now let's talk about the when. The timing of your outreach. I'm not gonna pretend here, that there's a formula that works for every situation. Your family is unique, um, the level of alienation, the other parent's behavior, your legal situation, your child's personality, their tendencies depending, um, on their role in the family, All of that matters, but I just wanna give you a few general guidelines to toss around. So first, we're gonna go talk about the adults, okay, and then I'm gonna go to the kids. So if your adult child has explicitly asked you for no contact, right, in a clear, direct way, like, "I don't wanna speak with you. Don't call me again," as the adult, , child. Your first move is to acknowledge and respect that request. Okay? That might sound like, "I saw your request for no contact," or however they worded it, right? "I respect your need for space.
I love you, and I will be here for you always when you decide that you want contact in the future." Then you don't keep pushing after that. You give their nervous system space, them and their nervous system space, and you focus on your own healing and stability. You can f-- wh- which I know can feel excruciating, you guys, but honoring a clear boundary is part of healthy persistence. that's what I've done. If I'm being real, this is what I've done with my daughter. I've talked about it in previous episodes, and I don't wanna get off topic today, but, uh, there was an episode about, um, when you've been blocked, you know? Um, and I do know that she has made up a different TikTok account because I, I found-- I saw it one day.
I got curious, I don't know, back in like, um, uh, right around the holidays or whatever. what I love is that she ended up making this new account using our middle name, hers and my shared middle name, um, which is, to me, endearing. , And I don't know what the purpose was behind that or if there was a purpose behind that.
Anyway, I have not reached out because she was the one to block. That may change. I don't know. But I'm not going to anxiously pursue in order to solve for m- my side, you know, for what I'm feeling.
So if there's no explicit, if there's no explicit no contact request, okay, then occasional thoughtful contact spaced out is usually safer than disappearing or pinging them constantly, right?
Going one way or the other. Some of you, and I did this for a while too, where I just completely disappeared because I didn't know how, what to say or how to reach out and if she even wanted it. So I do understand that side, and then there's also those of you who ping them constantly hoping that they'll just respond this next time, right?
Some anchor points that you might choose here. Birthdays, Major holidays that have meaning for you, your family, your traditions, okay? Or your, the history. , Big milestones, of course, that you know about, like graduation, a new baby, a move. Or an occasional, just an occasional no reason why Thinking of you message, as long as you've passed the, those three checks that I j- we were just talking about first.
[00:19:20] Court-Ordered Visits & Phone Calls With a Resistant Teen or Tween
And remember, in high-conflict or severely alienated situations, the other parent may be intercepting or twisting your outreach. That's not automatically a reason. Okay? That's not automatically a reason to stop your outreach . But it is a reason, it absolutely is a reason to keep what you send simple, non-provocative, and not weaponizable.
Is that a word? They can't weaponize it.
, So now some of you are listening, I know, and thinking, "Okay, well, my child isn't an adult. They're not. They're 14, or they're 12, or there's a parenting plan in place maybe, or there's court-ordered phone calls.
They're telling me they don't want contact right now, but I'm also legally required to show up, or I'm legally, entitled to, or I have parenting time, right? What then?" If your child is under 18, okay, and a court order or parenting agreement in place, or there's nothing stopping you, binding you to stay, stay away from them, then their "I don't wanna talk to you" usually does not by itself obviously erase that order or the agreement, the standing agreement in place.
In most places, and I know I'm talking to listeners all over the globe, but in most places that I know of, parents are still expected to follow the schedule and offer contact even when a child resistant, unless there's some other ex- circumstance, extenuating circumstance that I don't know about, and you know about that then.
So then, of course, uh, I'll get there in a second. But, um, if there's genuine, like, safety concerns and what have you, then follow what you've already been told. And maybe I should say now that obviously this is not legal advice. I think you know that, but I just wanna make that disclaimer anyway. You talk with the, with the local authorities in y- where you live, And make sure that you're following what
Is within your parameters, all right. Now, now that I've said that,
in this situation where your kid is under 18, right, and they're saying that they don't wanna see you or they don't like coming over for the weekend to your place or whatever it is, respecting that boundary can look obviously different than if we're talking about an adult who's gone no contact. It doesn't mean that you disappear, okay, or skip your parenting time at all. And I know that if you've been down this, rabbit hole for some time now, uh, the rabbit hole of alienation then I'm sure that you've heard something very similar to this.
It means that you show up for the ordered calls, the visits, um, as consistently and as calmly as you possibly can,
acknowledge their feelings in the moment, "i hear that you don't wanna talk to me right now," instead of arguing with them about it, like, "No, you need to talk to me," or, "Why don't you wanna talk to me?" Or any of that stuff. Keep your bids for connection simple and non-pressuring. So instead of using that time to lecture if they're n- not speaking to you or being rude, defend yourself or whatever, or push for big emotional conversations they clearly aren't ready for.
Don't do that, just be present, be loving or even neutral and steady, consistent.
The first example I have here is weekly court-ordered phone call, okay, with a resistant teen. I went through this exact thing myself. It wasn't a phone call, it was a Zoom call. and I've shared in past episodes about those and how I handled those, but I'm gonna give you a very quick overview here. So let's say you have,
um, a video call with your 15-year-old, and the order says that you call every Wednesday at 7:00 p.m., all right? Lately, as soon as they pick up or they get on Zoom or whatever, or FaceTime, you get, "I don't even wanna talk to you," or you get one-word answers, eye rolls, gray rocking, Just expressionless face.
in that situation, respecting their no contact does not mean that you skip the call to avoid awkwardness. Okay? You still make the call, and instead of getting defensive, And acting-- you also turning gray rock, because then that would... Just like I was talking about last week, that would put you allowing them to dictate your behavior, and I know that you don't want that, right?
You're the leader here, even if right now the dynamic seems to have been flipped. Okay? So you still make the call because it's part of your responsibility as the parent, and part of the structure that the adults put in place.
Whoever those adults were, it doesn't matter. This is how you can actually word it to them. "We're here on this call because I am your parent and I love you, and this is the structure that the adults put in place." That's one of the ways that you could say something. So instead of worrying about their responses or how they're feeling, how they're conducting themselves, what it does mean is that you keep it very light and low pressure.
In fact, I even just brought the goofy fun-ness to the conversations, the low pressure. And I tell you, and I'm gonna s- give you the example of something that you could say, a script, you know. I tell you, she would get on the calls and almost always be, like, straight-faced, no expression, um, no eye contact, looking around, eye rolls.
And a few minutes in, we would both be laughing, giggling. She would be giggling and telling me about e-everything that's going on in her life. So it may not happen overnight, but the energy you bring will absolutely affect them somehow, some way. Think of, like, the people that you don't even know that say hi to you at passersby, right?
Or in the gas station attendant, or wherever you are. Their energy, how they-- somebody speaks to you, their eye contact, whether you're in the mood for it or not, can change your whole fucking day. You know? And you're not even close with them. So just remember that when you're speaking, bring in the fun.
And I don't mean, like, toxic positivity. I just mean really embodying the light-hearted, fun-loving side of you that you know that you have and you had when they were toddlers or whatever. You know what I'm saying? So what that can sound like is, " Hey, honey. I hear you. I'm not gonna keep you long. I just wanted to say hi.
I wanted to give you a ti- a chance to see my face, my shining face, me to see yours, and remind you that I love you." You know? And some parents, let me just say that too, that "I love you" can be, uh, uh, like activating for some of the children. So obviously make it not everybody. If, if your child hasn't said that that bothers them, then continue to say it,
To Make it yours, "i care about you. I think about you." Not, "I need you" in the background, Just, "Hey, if there's ever anything that you wanna tell me about your week, about your life, about your day, I'm here to listen. I'm right here. I, I'm your biggest fan." If they grunt and say, "Fine," or, maybe they wanna get off right away, you don't need to chase. From there, you've done your job.
You don't have to launch into some huge speech . You can let the call be short and predictable, there were times where my daughter would
come on the call expecting to cut it short, and I, I judged it, uh, occasion by occasion, you know? And so there were times when I knew she was rushing because it was a thing of convenience, and I allowed, I just allowed it. I said, "Hey, listen, I'm not gonna hold you up." And I said something similar to what I just told you.
And then there were other times where I could tell that she wanted an out because she didn't want to face, and that's when I would just ask her, I would say, "Hey, I won't hold you up, but will you tell me something, your favorite thing about this week? Will you tell me your not so favorite thing about this week?"
We-- You know, those kinds of questions, just something more to open them up because sometimes that, uh, just a little bit, it's not anxious, it's not to get you to feel better, but it's, it's showing them that you're specifically caring about their life. And it can sometimes work.
So, and like I said, when I say work, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to say that we're trying to find some special key that unlocks the door of your child, I'm just saying that there are times you judge it moment by moment, occasion by occasion, what you know works for your kid.
Let me go back to my notes. Let your, the call be short and predictable, and then you get your support and your venting needs, met somewhere else. Not through forcing your teen or your kiddo to talk for longer than they can tolerate right now. That's important.
Don't just make them sit there.
Okay, so the second example, in this example, you show up for your weekend parenting time, and your thirteen-year-old spends the whole visit in their room, right, saying they don't wanna be there.
You always want to still show up on time to get them, You still stay available during that entire visit. The idea is you honor the parenting time and the parenting plan and their nervous system by how you respond. Okay? So instead of, "You're being ridiculous. The judge says you have to be here, so you need to get over it. Suck it up." "Your other parent is poisoning you,"
or, "Come on, you, you've been going up into your room every week for the past blah, blah, blah." Or you get sarcastic with them. "Well, of course, you're taking your meal up to the room. Why would it be any different? You haven't spoken to me in however long. Why would I expect you to speak now?" You know? That is not gonna get you far in most cases, okay?
So instead, you might say something like, "I can see that you really don't wanna be here. I get it, and I'm not gonna force you to talk. I'm not. I'm gonna be in the living room or wherever, Watching a movie, making dinner, doing some other activity. If you decide that you wanna join me, even for a couple of minutes, you are so welcome.
I would love to have you. Either way, I'm just glad that I get to spend my time this time near you, in the same vicinity as you." Make them feel special because they are, because you're a kid, And so because it's so easy when they're turned off, when they're gray rocking you or really giving you bad attitude, it's so easy to shut down too.
That's what your nervous system is naturally is gonna do. " Oh, okay. That's the temperature of the room right now. They're gonna be cold, then I'm just gonna get cold." Or sarcastic. It's a, it's a good, uh, defense mechanism for a lot of us. But then when you go sarcastic, then you cover up your own love, your own grief, all the things.
And they're not able to show up authentically with them, and then you actually stoop to their level and let them control your actions again, and then they're in the parent role and you're in the kid role, or they're in the something role. The, the c- role of control. So that way, the way that I just explained to you,
either way, I'm glad I could spend this time near you. You're not colluding with a total shutdown by disappearing or tiptoeing even, but you're also not bulldozing them or using the time to interrogate or defend yourself. You don't need to tiptoe around them. Even if they're being however, the more that you say... stay consistent saying, speaking love simply and not asking for anything in their return and from them in return, the more that that becomes the tone. And what they expect from you.
So outside of what's required by the court or what your parenting plan is, you can apply what we've been talking about more literally, right? Like you can give extra space, you can use the pre-send checks that I-- we talked about, the checklist. Um, you can decide to not add more texts on top of an already tense weekly call or visit.
And of course, if you ever have concerns about safety or how the order is being handled, that's when you loop in a local professional, uh, attorney, mediator, um, therapist who understands the laws where you live, or because as I already said that this is not legal advice. However, if you do want more dialed-in help regarding a specific situation with your kiddo, you are always welcome.
If you haven't had one before, you can schedule a clarity call with me, um, and, uh, there's links usually in the show notes, but also on my website, okay? So the big idea here is When your child is still a minor, you're holding two things at once, Your obligation to show up as a parent within the structure that has been set, and your commitment to honor the human, the little human in front of you by how you use that time.
now I'm gonna go back actually to the how part of adults. if there's been no contact for a period of time, or send messages however it is, or emails or whatever. So I'm gonna give you some plug and tweak examples that you can to your situation, change the wording to sound like you.
[00:32:35] What to Actually Say: Message Templates for Alienated & Estranged Parents
So let's say it's a birthday. Happy birthday, your child's name, right? I hope today brings you something that makes you smile. I love you, and I'm thinking of you. You guys know that these days there's, AI, ChatGPT or whatever it is that you use.
But these are just short and sweet, easy ones. They're short, kind, no pressure. You're not asking for a reply, and you're not stuffing it with your pain. You're just marking the day. Okay? a holiday message. Um, you could say, depending on the kiddo, you could say something like this. There's two ways you can go about it.
You know, whatever the holiday is, happy blah, blah, blah. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you today, and I love you. There is no need to respond. You can also acknowledge the comple-complexity of the situation too. I know holidays can be complicated. I just wanna let you know my thoughts are with you.
They always are, but especially on today, you know? And then basically, you just wanna acknowledge complexity, and also you wanna remove pressure from them because pressure is all that they feel when we're talking about being over at the other parent or being with you as it's related to the other parent.
You know? after a long silence is the other example I have here. No explicit, like I was saying before, there's not been any explicit no contact, request, This one is simple. It's, " Hi. I know it's been a while since we've talked. I'm here. I care about you, and whenever you feel ready, I'd be open to hearing about how you're doing.
I would love to hear about how you're doing." You're not demanding a conversation or an explanation. You're simply opening a door, okay? And this is where you-- for me, this is what I had to do when I just did this, um, back in the fall, right? Where I sent a message somewhat similar to that. You know, it was, "Hi.
I just wanted to..." In fact, I'm gonna find it, and I'll read it to you
okay, here's what I wrote to her. I said, "Hey, my love. I've had iterations of this message sitting in my notes app for some time now, just waiting for me to gather the courage to send. I think about you so much, and I hope you're doing great. I keep up with you on social media and saw last fall you're going to her school that she's going to.
Congratulations. How exciting." this is a longer one, you guys, "i saw the classes begin in just a couple short days, and I wanted to wish you an amazing start to your year. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that going from living at home to campus life can feel like a huge adjustment, and if I know you like I think I still do, you will crush it."
It said, "Also, happy belated birthday. Life brings a lot of new freedoms and adventures at 18, I'd love to hear about yours if you ever feel like catching up. No pressure at all. I just want you to know that, one, I am so proud of you, and two, no matter what, you will always have me in your corner.
Whether you want a little support or a lot, or just someone to talk to, I'm here. Please know that it's okay , if you don't wanna talk right now, and it's also okay if you change your mind." And then I said, Love, Mom."
And I also sent a very similar message to her on TikTok. So that's another version of what you can do if it's been some time. one more example I have here is a gentle acknowledgement of past hurt., Example four is,
I've been reflecting on some of our past conversation and realized that there are things that I said or that I did that might have hurt you. I want you to know that I'm sorry for that.
When you're ready, I'd like to understand more, understand you more, and I'd like to do better." No pressure to respond right now. Or you can say, "At your convenience," or whatever you wanna say. Notice that you're not rearguing any facts, and don't do it if they do plan... if they do reach back out to you either.
You wanna be there to understand them. That's the whole point of parenting, actually, is to be there for them, to guide them and just let them do, right? And so especially if they're, like, at that age, like, on a cusp of being not yet an adult, but al- almost there, or even young adult, you just wanna be there and offer safety, and understanding, support in any way you can. So
You're owning your piece, and inviting, not insisting on future dialogue. Okay? So let me give you a sense of what I don't recommend. Things like,
[00:37:08] What NOT to Send Your Estranged Child (And Why It Backfires)
"I can't believe you'd cut me off after everything I've done for you. I can't believe you," or, "You owe me a conversation," or funny, not funny, You've been brainwashed.
You're being manipulated by the other parent." Uh, some iteration of either of those or other things, right? Anything where you are directing them or insisting, um, requiring them to be some way, respect you more, whatever it is, it's not gonna go over well when we're talking about alienated children.
Now, you can state your desires, you know, but when we're-- Uh, that's a whole-- It's-- I could get into a whole episode about it, so I'm gonna leave it at that. If you need to set a, a call with me, then we can talk over the specifics.
So any one of the three that I just read, like, "I can't believe you cut me off," "You owe me a conversation," "You've been brainwashed," Those might be very understandable thoughts, Beliefs that you have, and they might be true from your perspective, 100% true from the way that you're seeing it. Your feelings around that are absolutely valid, okay? I want to make that known to you that it's not that you're just supposed to act like this good understanding parent and everything is fine.
I'm not saying that. You're entitled to your thoughts, your feelings about all of it, but those messages are about if you were to send any one of those or , something like those, those messages would be about discharging your pain and not building a bridge.
It's not gonna be productive, , it's gonna put them on defense, or it's gonna shut them-- m-make them wanna shut down completely, and it's also going to then play into the very narrative, that you're trying to challenge.
So if you draft something like that, don't beat yourself up. If you've said something like that in the past, do not beat yourself up. Just recognize, oh, that was me needing to vent, or this is me needing to vent, right? That doesn't have to be the message that I send, even if it's on my mind, right? That's what I used to believe, and I hear people still to this day saying things like, "But I just need to say it.
I can't help it. It's on my mind. I h-- it has to be said. I have to get it out." You don't have to say it, especially if it's going to, in the end, you know it's going to actually take you back away from the goal of connecting and showing love and understanding, support, consistency, all the things to your kiddo.
It's gonna do the opposite of that. It's gonna-- you're just shooting yourself in the foot, okay? All because something needed to be said. No. Y- yes, maybe it needs to be said, but not to your kid. So as we wrap up, I want you to remember,
[00:39:44] There Is No Perfect Message — What Actually Helps Alienated & Estranged Parents
there is no perfect message that guarantees reconnection, okay?
There is no perfect message. I was just talking with a client last night, yesterday morning, sorry, that, said that she was going through and like doom scrolling because she was hoping to find some alienation expert out there. And she knows. Well, I mean, anyway, but some alienation expert out there that would give her a solution that would get her kids to talk to her again, and there is no magic message.
I promise you this And if there is, if somebody's got... Well, first off, you wouldn't be listening to this, this podcast, but let me know, please. I would love to find that person and have them come on , to the episode and let's ask them all the questions. But there is no perfect message that guarantees reconnection, There's no magic frequency of texts either. Your job is not to mastermind the relationship from your side of the phone or your side of the street. You're not trying to figure out, "Mm, how? What is the way?" That is not your job.
Your job is to show up in a way that feels aligned with the kind of parent that you want to be, it's also to respect your child's stated boundaries, even when it hurts, when I'm talking about, uh, adult children. And to take such good care of your own nervous system that you're not unconsciously asking your child to be your regulator.
That is your job, This is healthy persistence. If you listen back to this episode, like, with your phone in your hand at the same time, walk through these three questions with yourself: what is my why?
What is my capacity ? How much can I hold today? And what pattern am I in? Okay, the three questions I already posed, and I give you more specific questions, um, in each of those three. Um, also, I wanna recommend, if you haven't already, go back maybe to the capacity episode.
I'll put it in the show notes, and also last week's episode if you did not get that, um, about what you're ch- making your child's response or non-response mean about you, Those w- will assist you this is the recipe. Posing those three questions to yourself, you will start to feel more grounded around the decision to reach out or not, even if the circumstances do not change one inch, millimeter. and if today you realize, "Okay, I'm still in anxious pursuit right now, not healthy persistence," that doesn't mean that you failed, and I said that a bunch in the beginning, but I just want to remind you. It just means that you've learned something about where you are at, where your system is at,
What work that you need to do, That awareness is progress. That's part of you becoming the steady, self-trusting version of you that you're working towards, and I did a whole series on self-trust too just very recently, so you could go back a few weeks if you haven't listened to or watched that one, You are doing incredibly hard emotional work in a situation that you did not choose. Okay? fact that you even care how to reach out thoughtfully already sets you apart, not that we're comparing.
so that's what I have for you guys today. Okay? If this episode helped you, of course, please share it with another alienated parent who you know is staring at their phone wondering what to do next. It might be exactly what they need
And Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all y'all in the US or wherever, if you're celebrating Mother's Day, my thoughts are with you this weekend, and, I love you. I do have a, um, a special... Like, it's been a while now, but there is a special edition Happy Mother's Day that maybe I will re-release for this weekend, okay?
That's what I think I'll do. So that'll be also, it'll be like a s- a second special episode, but it's a repeat from before.
Of course, as always, I'm sending you so much love, and I'll talk to you next week.
Okay. Ciao.
Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-sized clips and tips, be sure to find me on TikTok or Instagram. See you next week.
