22. When You Feel Shaken: Bullied By The Alienator
Well, hello guys. this episode today, we are going to be talking about something that I know. I wouldn't say is near and dear to your hearts, but something that you probably know very well. We're going to be talking about. When you feel shaken by the alienator, by the alienators tactics, the strategies. What have you, the berating emails, the, maybe the appearances at school the commotions, maybe you have private investigators following you. The whole nine. And so I want to talk with you guys today about your responses to that, right? Your shakiness, when you feel, Bullied really. And so. I'm going to share with you. My experience with that, not my specific experiences because. I usually shy away from those fro for the obvious reasons, unless I think it's absolutely necessary to explain my point of view. And also because I think that we, no matter what the specifics of the experience are I think we all, we all get it right. We all know what it is to feel that way, our relationship with our child is being threatened and more importantly, that
Their childhood is, being, affected in a very big way. Right. And so this came up. In my membership program. And I thought after I got up the call last night, I was like, I am sure that more people we'd love some insight to this. So that is what I'm going to give to you guys today.
If you haven't already please hit the subscribe button. And I would love , if you would rate and review, that would be amazing. The reviews first off, I so appreciate them. And also, I just want other alienated parents like you and I, to be able to find us so that they too can find, a source of relief. So the more you know, ratings and reviews that we get. The likelihood of it actually being in front of other alienated parents is much more likely. So, I'm having problems getting my words out today. I'm just going to keep on rolling.
Okay. So when you feel shaken by the alienator or the the person who is. Exercising, the alienation strategies. Let's call it that. Okay.
I remember very clearly a time when communication was definitely more necessary. When the emails would start to come in after let's say I had a planned dentist appointment for my daughter or when You know, There was a schedule change or something. I was very aware, acutely aware. Of what was to becoming via email and via text messages.
Many parents, have those events, Frequently and. Knowing that. Their kid has a kindergarten rodeo. Does not stress most parents out, but it's stressed me. The hell out because I knew what was to come. Right. And I'm sure that you guys understand what I'm saying here. Any sort of change in the schedule, any special event, any You know, anything, anything. Out of the ordinary right. It could be a sunny day but really always cringed when that came up. Any field days, any assemblies anything. Those would send me into a days long panic. And nobody seemed to understand, nor did I know how to address it. Really with any of the others, moms at school. Like they, they have no idea. And so I, it was a big source of shame for me, but also I didn't really understand what was happening. And so , like the key facts of the story were all jumbled up for me. So I couldn't even find my words to try to share. What was going on with others around me. So it wasn't even about being hushed or hushing myself. I really truly, , if, and when I did try to explain it, it was a big mess because I was in such a stress response. Right. So I do understand the feeling of feeling bullied and shaken, you know, by the tactics. Employed by the alienating party. Right.
So thinking about it now, , it's actually got me in a little bit of like a panic mode. . Right. I'm a little bit jumbled with my thoughts, even thinking about that
The emails and the you know, the texts, they were awful. They were absolutely awful. I felt threatened. I felt bullied. I felt intimidated. I felt. All of the icky feelings, activated feelings, you could have panicked. I felt that way. And if his intention was to make me feel intimidated, he did his job. I will tell you absolutely. But the. Even then feeling intimidated by him. Was not a big deal, right. It was something I could handle. I could handle that. I mean, I didn't like it. It was definitely not comfortable, but I can handle that., but when somebody is threatening your child welfare, your child's ability to have a carefree, healthy childhood and to be free to love and be loved by both parents. That is a big deal. Right. So it makes perfect sense that you would feel activated. When the email ding comes to your phone, right? Maybe you use my family wizard or another similar app. People have told me my clients even last night. Often will not even open the app. Right. You know that there's emails or messages sitting there, but you just don't want to open them because you're scared of what might be in them. You don't want to read the insults one more time. You don't want to read that you are irresponsible and not a good person, not a good parent. On down the line, I mean, and who does right. Nobody wants to open up any email or open up a door or pick up a phone. And hear that. Right.
So I'm going to give you the things that I really wish that I would've known back then, That's what I'm going to do for you guys today. And I hope this is useful for some of you out there.
Number one is
When you're in this situation, when you know that you're
either going to feel activated or you're already in the place where you feel bullied and, jumbled in your thoughts and shaky and that whole, like, Huge stress response place.
I think first off, it's helpful to do some sort of physical activity. it doesn't have to be anything rigorous. If that's not you, you know, but some way, shape or form, get your body moving
If you have to. Like if you're driving and if you have to park the car for five minutes and go do some jumping jacks, do it. By the way, that was my signature thing. I did jumping jacks for everything, uh, jumping jacks
to wake myself up, jumping jacks to get the stress out of me. That is like my Windex for stress. Anyway, so I take a hike depending on where you are. Bike ride does not matter. Pushups, you know, right there where you are, drop and do 50 of 'em, whatever. Modified is fine, You know, whatever you need to do to exert some energy physically for five minutes, do that first.
If you cannot, absolutely cannot do the physical activity, then. Just do some, stress relieving, breathing techniques.
There's like square breathing that I love. Okay. And then there's some time to breathing, but really love the square breathing anyway, so that would be first. So at least five minutes of physical activity. Some sort, even
if it's just walking jumping jacks. Okay. Modified jumping jacks, whatever.
And or breathing. If you're doing the, physical exercise, the breathing is gonna,
hopefully it's going to. Happened as a, side effect, so that is number one.
Get some physical activity under your belt.
And then Number two, As to incorporate your prefrontal cortex,
A lot of times what our brains like to do, because they're really there to protect us. The lower brain will take over. That is its job. Your limbic system and The thalamus it's like the mail sorter of all experiences that happen, all information goes in and it decides whether it's going to send it to. your Prefrontal cortex, the executive functions, or it will send stuff to your lower brain for emergency and like, you know, survival. Needs.
Okay? The thing is, it's often, and by default, because if you've been in a a lot of stressful situations, throughout your life, it is going to send things to the back of the bus to your lower brain.So. You need to. Like actively employ your executive functions. By breathing, doing some of the physical activity, and then asking literal questions, likequestions that the lower brain can't answer for you. So ask, is it true?How do you know that it's true? That's a Byron Katie thing.
How could the opposite be. true? What else could be true? What about this is their story, and what about this is story? Does that make sense? Because here's the deal when somebody else is doing their thing
For instance, you know your ex, the, other parent of your child is Writing emails is, showing up places, is doing the things that they do, they're doing that because of their story, right? That is all their whole circumstance and thorough old backstory and their whatever, and what they do
is really not about you at Okay. You just happen to be there. So when you can remind yourself of that, then it can sort of. Remove you from the situation a little bit. Right? Like depersonalize it somewhat and make it a little bit less threatening for you. It did for me anyway. It does for me to remind myself, oh, right,
So he wants a certain result for himself and that result is his business. How he does it is his business.
I don't have to take his tactics personally. He just wants a result This is the way he knows how to go about doing. it. Okay, so if I remind myself of that, . I become less activated almost instantly. Okay? What they're saying has nothing to do with you, okay?
Has everything to do with them.
Even better would be to write all of this down. Burn it if you need to, right? But, This down because it is true, as you've heard me say. When you take your words that are going on in your head and you put them out of you either on a screen, you know, typing it out or on a piece of paper, then you get distance from the situation.
Your brain, the back part of your brain too is able to then for real, like separate you from.
Okay. From the words that are there.
And. And it's a very cathartic okay to do that. So for that reason, it's great, but then you can also become much more aware of what the hell is going on up in there. And then you don't have all of the confusion and the, overwhelm whelm. From all of the thoughts. Okay.
So write it down if at all possible, or as soon as you can. Write it down, get it out of your brain.
Okay.And so the third thing get quiet with yourself and ask yourself what it is that you feel threatened by. What exactly there is a dun dun dun thought in your head.
Call that out. asking yourself, what about what they're saying am I scared is true? What am I fearful of there? What is the story I'm telling myself about myself because of what they're saying?
Open it it up and it as much as you can because when we are, uh, activated like that and feeling bullied or feeling threatened, it's usually a very vague, I think that's happening, or it doesn't fully make sense, could that happen right now in this moment? If it could, how could it happen? And then how could I mitigate that, you know, like what exactly happened? And
Why would it happen? What have I done? This is a very worthwhile exercise because then, you know,
truly you've done like a a scan of Your parenthood health, if you will. Like, you're keeping your side of the street clean and you really know, , you've done an assessment on what areas you need to work on, right.
Like, okay, could this really be possible or no? And like, I'm not saying to do this and freak yourself out
If , there are areas of your own boundaries. That. You know, you know, have some holes or need Some maintenance. Then it's a good time to look at those and be honest with yourself. the thing is. If you know that there are holes in your fence, I'm using this as a, as an analogy I guess, but like, if you know that there are some holes in your fence, then. Then you're you're constantly gonna like, think of it as a a literal if you know that there are holes in your fence. You've got predators predators in your area. You're constantly gonna be on the lookout and you're gonna be freaked out. And, feeling threatened by many bumps in the night. Right?
if you have patched up up all the holes, or there are no to begin with and you are aware of it because you have walked the circumference of your property and checked, you know, for the holes, then the bumps in the the night are not going to bother you as much. Does that make sense?
Okay. Just do your checks on your reality checks, on You. your your side of the street on your Make sure that what you're doing and how you're maintaining maintaining your yourself and your life is how you want to be doing that. You're Living your life and you're parenthood with intention. Yeah.
If looking back, I know that if I had myself and my life a bit more buttoned up, if you will, back then, then I don't think I would've been as shaken
If I could tell myself a past version of me anything, it would be to to clean up my side of the street
So that I was living. Transparently that , who I was said I was being, which is who I was most days. Right. But there were still those times, like the weekend out or that one timewhen we went to the bar and did, you know, crazy stuff, whatever. It was like the exceptions, like the, oh yeah. Except for that time. Those things. Those things that I was lying to myself about. notdoing I was trying to, I was lying to myself. About what my actions were and I now can look back at that and have compassion for myself. Cause I know why I was doing it. I was trying to protect myself. Right. And I was trying to find some.
Some like peace and a a place of, , of happiness, right? And some, a carefree, you know, element to my life when there was very, very little at the time, right? And so aside from my daughter,
I was with my daughter, I didn't have it. My brain was going a million miles an hour and I just wanted to shut up sometimes. And so what I would do is I use, that's how I use drinking. I was like, At least when I drink, I can just shut off. Right? And so you don't have to use that. You don't have to be drinking in order to, to have that same feeling. You can do it with food people do with shopping people, do it with, sex. You can do it with really. Anything that brings your endorphins up, you can do that. This with, I call it buffering, I I wish that I was more honest with myself back then I wish I had more compassion for myself back then too. Living intentionally, truly taking
Like a full inventory on yourself. And if you do this once, then know, the next time they start their antics up. You'll notice that you will be way less activate because you're not worried that what they're saying is true. Because you've already taken a look at everything. you
know the areas that you'd like to improve on, and you hopefully maybe have the steps in plan. You are addressing those. Does that make sense? So
you're doing it on your. Right. You're doing the upkeep of your life that we all have to do. This is so responsible. In fact, this is so admirable to do this stuff, you know, on your terms in this way,
And to really truly be doing it like proactively because that's how you want to live.
Right. So it is very admirable to do that. Many people, many especially those. That that are not alienated, they're never made to think thi things like this. You see, so many of 'em out there that they take parenting for granted. Right. they don't think about living intentionally as a parent.
and. as a human right. So I think that you can look at this, don't throw anything at your, wherever you're listening to this but you can look at this, your situation as a gift to yourself, because this could be what helps you to really take the look at you and your life that is. needed. And and not always because you need to improve something, but just maybe just because, oh gosh, this is forcing me to really, really take care of me and my life and how I want to parent and live and would I want, you know, moving forward, right.
What are are the, some of the areas that I wanna get better at, not the alienator is attacking me. Right or or because they say that I'm, I'm a shitty person or blah, blah, blah. Because, but because truly want to make sure that you are, like all of the, the holes in your fence are, either non-existent or they are all repaired and maintenance and kept up, right. Everything is, you know, you're living your, your life and your parenthood with intention.
Okay, so that is that. I hope you enjoyed this, you guys. This is, today is March 1st, and let me tell you actually,
me because. It's on my my mind. And
that's why I started talking about this.
this is what we were are doing. This
month in the membership actually.
Like the whole, the workbook is talking about this. Like, how do you wanna show up in your life? What standards do you want? How do you want your relationship ships to
be? like, how
intimate Are you willing to be, how not intimate like we're really taking stock and like having a good starting point, like a good foundation for how
It's like a business plan for your.
is exactly is. You're
were learning how you want to, to live your life from here forward. Then we're also, of course, then learning how our thoughts create our realities. Right. We are, we can be in charge
our life from here on out.
so that is
in the course. So come on, yo.
$97 for this month only, and then it's going up. It'll be above, I don't know, probably around 1 29 or something like that. So when you sign up , Before, like I think like the 15th of this month, you will get it at $97 and lock in
at $97 for however
long you stay member and you can cancel it anytime.
I don't, there's no haggle,
nothing, you know? Okay. So that is all I have for you
You know, wait, no, that's not all I have for.
I , I am not a salesperson. I'm not somebody that's, uh, I hate sales really. But this isn't sales to me. Like,Truly you are getting so much, like, it is ridiculous value.Like, I truly think like, why would you not join? Because that you're getting so much value.
You're getting four coaching calls a month, plus I'm doing popup live events in the community in our Beyond the high road community. At least three times a week starting in March. So there's so much time to get coaching and to, to get the attention that you need and also get the coursework and the skills and the, the knowledge that you need to heal your life and start healing your thinking so that you can get unstuck.
Right. and start Putting your energy towards the, the things that matter to you in your life.
Okay?So that's all I'll say. I hope you guys have a wonderful week. Don't forget to sign up. https://beyondthehighroad.com
Okay.And also when you sign up, you get a free mini course. what to say when they ask about your kiddos.
that is that. Have a good day guys.
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