Struggling with the holidays as an alienated or estranged parent? You’re not alone. In episode 165, Shelby unpacks the hidden challenges of the holiday season for those feeling the grief of missing out on experiencing so many special moments with their children. Discover why the holidays can feel so painful — and YES, sucky — ultimately learning how you can reclaim your power, find validation, and create new meaning, even in the midst of grief. 

 

In this episode:

• ​The six core reasons holidays are especially hard for alienated parents
• ​How brain wiring and old traditions intensify holiday grief
• ​The impact of “disenfranchised grief” and feeling misunderstood
• ​The pressure of cultural “shoulds” and unrealistic holiday expectations
• ​The trap of “always” and “never” thinking
• ​Why forced gratitude can backfire—and what to do instead
• ​Redefining happiness: embracing all emotions as part of being human
• ​Practical steps to create safety, validation, and new rituals

 

Disenfranchised Grief Episode: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog/Episode35

 

Notable Quotes:

• ​“Nothing is wrong with you. Your reaction makes complete sense in light of what you lived through.” 
• ​“Disenfranchised grief is real grief that doesn’t get recognized, validated, or supported by the people around you.” 
• ​“When you fight reality, you lose—but a hundred percent of the time.” 
• ​“You can define each holiday for you moving forward based on your values and what feels helpful and most supportive for you today.” 
• ​“Happiness doesn’t produce the results you want in the end. All emotions show us our evidence of aliveness.” 

 

Key Takeaways:

• ​The pain of the holidays is a normal response to loss and alienation—not a personal failing.
• ​Old routines and expectations can trigger grief, but acknowledging these feelings is the first step to healing.
• ​You are not alone in feeling misunderstood; disenfranchised grief is common and valid.
• ​Question cultural and personal “shoulds”—they often add unnecessary pressure.
• ​Allow yourself to feel all emotions, not just happiness; this is part of being human.
• ​Create your own rituals and definitions for the holidays, focusing on what supports you now.
• ​Small acts of self-validation and self-care can make the season more bearable and meaningful.

 

6 Reasons Holidays are the WORST and What To Do Instead for Alienated Parents

 

Holidays can feel daunting and isolating for alienated parents, transforming what is supposed to be a magical season into an emotional minefield. However, with understanding and intentional shifts in perspective, you can find ways to redefine your experiences. Here, Shelby explores six common reasons why the holiday season can feel challenging and how alienated parents can cultivate joy and empowerment during this time.

 

Understanding the Emotional Landscape

 

1. The Dread of Repetition 

Alienated parents often harbor a persistent fear that history will repeat itself, resulting in yet another holiday filled with disappointment and dread. This feeling is rooted in past experiences where conflicts marred otherwise festive occasions. Recognizing this pattern is the first step in shifting away from anticipatory dread towards a more hopeful outlook.

 

2. Memories of Holidays Past 

Holidays naturally trigger memories of family traditions and times when life felt predictable and warm. This can create a stark contrast with the present, intensifying feelings of loss. Understanding that these memories are a component of your brain's wiring for predictability and attachment is crucial, as it can help you navigate these waves of nostalgia with greater ease.

 

Addressing Feelings of Isolation 

 

3. Feeling Misunderstood 

Alienated parents often grapple with disenfranchised grief—a profound yet unrecognized grief due to the ambiguous loss of their parenting role. This can lead to feelings of isolation, especially during family gatherings where everyone else seems joyous and connected. It's essential to grant yourself permission to acknowledge your grief and know that it's a valid part of your healing journey.

 

Challenging Expectations/ External Pressure

 

4. Cultural Shoulds and Shouldn'ts 

The societal pressure to experience holidays in a specific way can be overwhelming. Holidays are often laden with expectations of joy and togetherness that may not resonate with your current reality. Identifying and questioning these "shoulds" can help you redefine and reclaim what the holidays mean for you, on your own terms.

5. Forced Gratitude 

Pressure to feel grateful can sometimes feel like self-gaslighting, especially when you're deeply grieving. Understand that gratitude lists don't have to be forced. Acknowledging and appreciating the small, meaningful aspects of your life—from relationships to personal growth—can organically cultivate genuine gratitude.

 

Embracing Your Emotions 

 

6. Redefining Happiness and Aliveness 

Many alienated parents idolize happiness as the ultimate goal, leading to a detrimental cycle of pursuing an unattainable ideal. Instead, acknowledge that life is a tapestry of emotions—each valid and significant. Happiness may not always be present, but learning to embrace a state of aliveness, where you honor all your emotions, enriches your human experience.

 

Conclusion 

The holiday season is undeniably challenging for alienated parents, but there is power in redefining your narrative. By understanding the roots of your feelings and embracing where you are, you can transform your holiday experience into one of healing and growth. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. It’s about creating new rituals, honoring your grief, and celebrating the small victories that form along the way.

Call to Action 

If you're navigating the complexities of alienation during the holidays and are seeking support, reach out and connect with others who share your journey. Share your stories, and you might find the understanding and solidarity that can transform your healing process. For bite-sized support and community connection, find me on TikTok or Instagram.

 

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 Episode Transcript

 You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 165. Stay tuned.

  📍 📍 Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned. 

Hey everybody, how are we doing today?

so as I'm recording this and when this will be released, it is Thanksgiving week in the USA and I am very aware. We have listeners like, I think in 96 countries or something like that. So, um, I know that many of you don't celebrate Thanksgiving,   when I refer to the holidays or holiday season, if that is not you, like, if you don't identify with what I'm talking about, make it yours.  now I'm gonna go into my little. Spiel that I've already written down. If you're an alienated parent , or even an estranged parent, and you're already feeling that familiar knot in your stomach when you think about the holidays, this one is for you. This season that's supposed to be cozy and magical, can honestly feel like punishment when you're shut out of your kids' lives or living in on someone else's visitation schedule.

in today's episode, we are going to name what's actually happening inside of you.   📍 📍 📍 As as the title suggests, it's six different parts. So we're gonna be talking about the constant dread and impending doom that you might be feeling. We're gonna talk about, . The brain patterning, And like your neural map that, is likely still programmed to expect your kids or expect the old holiday traditions to still be intact, then we're gonna talk about no one understands me and the pressure that you might feel. In fact, all of these are kind of pressury, but we really get into it. , When we go into the cultural shoulds and shouldn'ts, how things should be, how you should feel, , what should be happening with your kids, maybe the grandparents, whatever their story is about your kids' absence, if it's a full absence or how they're behaving,

and then we're gonna talk about the always and never stories that you might tell yourself. these rules that you put on Holiday periods in life in general. And then we're gonna talk about

when we feel pressured into gratitude, and then we're gonna talk about happiness versus aliveness. Those are the six areas.

, And of course, with those, I'm gonna give what you can do instead.  So if you have been wondering, why can't I just handle the holidays like everyone else, just know right now front, as you've probably heard me say a million times over, nothing is wrong with you, okay? Your reaction makes complete sense in light of what you lived through.  And in this episode,

i'm gonna hopefully provide some language, some validation, and a few doable steps for getting through the season on your own terms. So the idea is you stepping into your power throughout all of these trials, Tribulations, challenges, however you wanna put it. Okay. So let's, I'm just gonna go right into it.

So number one, one of the reasons why holidays suck as an alienated parent is that we have this idea, many of us anyway, and obviously,  let me before I even start, sorry, I should have said already that just because I've written this out, these are not, it's not limited to, it's not a, an exclusive, like this is the only reason why you can be miserable as an alienated parent.

These are just six reasons that I came up with,  and I don't know why I always come up with six and not five and not four and not seven. I don't know. I think it's just the length that is doable for y'all, for me, for, you know, for a podcast episode.

So anyway, um,  it's not limited to what I've put here. Um, I don't want, please don't not allow me to tell you what your experience is. I know that you know that, but I feel like it's important for me to say that for if you're new listener, just because I have these outlined here,

these don't have to be your reasons. And actually, if you have different reasons that I do not outline here, come on, bring it on, let me know. Email me, shoot me an email at beyond the high [email protected]. Okay? Let me know what, is the hardest part of the holidays for you and I'll be glad to incorporate that into another episode and that might actually just right off the bat, that might help you to feel supported by writing out. Not only supporting yourself by becoming aware of what makes this holiday, season or holiday in general, or even just day the hardest for you By acknowledging that that is great step, a supportive, very supportive step for your own healing. 

But then also then you're, including me in that, You're putting that energy out into the world in a productive way, you know? And so it could lessen your feelings of isolation and loneliness and cause you to feel, again, more supported.

Okay, so   📍 📍 📍 📍 number one. The idea is that history is gonna repeat itself. This is what you might be thinking, which causes constant thread and impending doom. And it all feels like it's a fact that like, because of what happened in the past, that now every holiday is gonna be like this. And because the alienating parent did the one thing back then, they're probably gonna do it again. Because in our minds,  well, why wouldn't they? They've already stooped that load. This is who they are and this is how they ruin holidays.

And it's already,  it is true. I think we can all vouch for the fact that the narcissist type person.  When I say this to you guys, I don't really love addressing how, how they're behaving. And if you've listened to me for a while, you've heard me say that before because it's, I don't know how helpful it is to talk about them so much.

Um, I mean, it's helpful maybe in the beginning. Uh, there's a, purpose for it, but for this podcast, I usually don't do it anyway.  The narcissist type person, it's one of their trademarks or one of their checklist textbook things, is they like to, behaviors is they tend to ruin holidays.

And I know that I can speak that from. My past situations not so much. With the alienating. Yes, with the alienating parent, with my daughter's father.  Yes. After he had written me off and we had split up  right then he always wanted to ruin holidays, but also then in relationship with the last guy, he would do it when we were together, like, and I thought that things were going great, he would just throw a blow up of holidays of every holiday into the mix when things seemed to be going well.

And it was like to keep me on my toes anyway, not funny, um, laughing. Now I can look back at it and sort of see a dark humor in it, but it was not funny at the time at all. It was very, unfunny, when I was experiencing it. Anyway,  my point is. Of course the day is when I wanna get this out 'cause I'm recording, Thanksgiving week and there's a bunch of stuff to do.

The days that I wanna get things out is the days I feel like chatting Kathy.  Anyway, , in our brains, because we know that the person in your life. The other parent historically, likes to drop bombs on, uh, big days. Then it can already feel like your brain is just gonna start to expect that something's gonna blow up.

Which let me just say right now that even when we're expecting the blow up, like if I was living my life and in fact I did for many years, throughout the alienation when my daughter was still home with me and I was sharing custody with, you know, her dad, where she was going back and forth.

I got the sense of impending doom every year or any holiday, because historically he would always blow shit up like I was saying. Right. Living like that though, being in that constant dread caused me to shut down I sort of imploded on myself, but then I wasn't able to enjoy my daughter when I did have her. And when I didn't have her and I was expecting her home, I wasn't able to enjoy those who I was around and even be in my own skin. I also then overthought any emails I was writing and I would spend hours upon hours drafting emails to try to control whether he was going to drop her off on time or not.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I was trying to do damage control by the way that I carefully worded things. In order to trap him into not, screwing with my time, which I can look back now and say what a waste of my time because he will gonna do how he's gonna do whatever I wrote was not going to change anything, especially.

The hours that I would put into the emails. But anyway, usually when we're on, uh, like in that hypervigilant place where we're like feeling the impending doom and dreading some sort of blow up, we end up ruining that much more of the holiday for ourselves.

And in the end, whatever we're dreading, we think it's really important to dread it because that's going to prepare us more. But actually it doesn't, I mean, in all the cases that I can think of and look back on my life, and also, with my clients, it, I, it always proves to be, not productive, and it ruins your experience.

Okay,  But the point I was gonna make here is the human brain often classifies, just as I talked about in one of the recent episodes, uncertainty as danger, Especially when something matters as much as your kids to you. So if this is your first or 10th holiday, without them, your survival system might be on high alert, bracing for pain instead of magical moments.

You know?  it makes sense if you're here and if you're feeling this impending doom and not really sure why, but you feel like it's, almost required of you to feel that like it's feels useful to you, but you also don't know why.  Just know that nothing catastrophic has to be happening right now in this moment for your body to feel like something terrible is coming.

 Like emotional reasoning where we're like, I feel this way, therefore something is bound to happen, right? I'm feeling the pit in my stomach. That must be signaling me that something bad's gonna happen. And now we have, yes, we are capable of intuition, but when we're in stress response, more often than not, this is not intuition talking to you. Not that there's anything, um, It's okay if it's there, but just also maybe to talk yourself down off the ledge.

Like, I know I feel this way, but it doesn't mean that something's gonna happen. This isn't the forecast for the outcome,, so what I offered here is to name the threat that your brain is predicting.

I'm afraid I'll feel unbearable pain all day. If you're going like to Thanksgiving, and maybe you're going where there's other kids or where maybe friends that when you spend time with them, your kids are usually around, and now this year they're not gonna be. So you might be super fearful around the pain that you might feel, or , this is such a common one too, is , the floodgates are gonna open and it's never gonna stop.

I'm gonna start crying and it's gonna be uncontrollable and it's gonna be miserable and I'm gonna make everybody else miserable.

Or maybe it's like I was just talking about I'm afraid that they're gonna not show up with my kiddo in time and they're gonna make my vacation not doable. Like, this happened for me one time where, , living back, obviously back in Austin and my ex knew when the date was that she was supposed to be back in to me because we'd been emailing back and forth about it.

But instead he decided to unknow and. They went outta town. He was like, oh, well it's outta my control. We're outta town. We're in Dallas or wherever he was. And we had plane tickets, paid for non-refundable, I think to leave to come down to Miami and to go down to the keys to see my dad, I don't know if we missed that vacation or if we had to change and pay for the tickets. Again, I forget what happened there, but I turned myself into a hot mess of a wreck for the three days when she was supposed to be here.  Now, of course it makes sense if this is you, that you would have some emotions, but I know that I would tell  this version of me would comfort the old version of me by letting her know that the three days.

Is going to be like, I can't even remember what happened with that vacation now. Like I forget. I don't even know how that worked out, you know, so it's not going to last forever.  They're gonna be more vacations is what I'm saying. There's gonna be other opportunities.

Making yourself sick to your stomach is only ruining your own experience of it.  I mean, it also makes sense. I wanna give you room to have your emotions. But you know too if you've listened to any of the episodes before, there's a way that we activate ourselves more by the way that we're thinking about it.

Like this is the end all, be all. We contribute to our own nervous system activation by buying into the story that it's life or death. When we know it's not this too shall pass. I mean they can't stay going forever.

They're gonna come home. But it does feel like life or death in the moment, but it's not , so like I said, nothing terrible has to be happening today for your body to feel like something terrible is about to happen. That's your nervous system trying to protect you from an unplanned unmapped, painful day. So name the threat that your brain is predicting. Like I was, starting to say name the threat, whatever it is, and then name three concrete safeties in this moment. And my words to you would be that make them related, right? Like if you're fearful that , I'm gonna pick them not showing up on time for your parenting time.

They, they're late by a day, by hours, whatever it is, you are fearing that on the forefront. Like, this is gonna go badly and I'm not gonna take my vacation. When you go to name the three concrete safeties, make at least one of those be around what your brain is fearing, So they may not show up.

Relating that to my example would be no matter what, I am going to be okay on the end of this, vacation time, I will make it up, right? Like if there one day late, I will keep her one day longer.

There, there are ways to remedy the situation so that all the time isn't lost. However it is that you make that up, it's not life or death. And I can create, peace now while I'm waiting for them to come show up with my kiddo,

make it yours. Okay. Um, and then the other three you could do, like I was talking about, uh, last week or the week before. Like you can just ground yourself in the moment. Like, I am safe and supported right here as I sit with a roof over my head and the floor underneath me. I have food in the fridge. I am safe, things are okay.

I have, plans with, some friends or family. however, you know, but create safety. Really lean into the ways that you are safe currently instead of leaning into the danger and impending doom.  📍 📍 📍 📍

Number two is. You are flooded with memories of what was right, like last Christmas, the Christmas before Christmases used to be, or holidays, sorry, used to be. Um, whatever Thanksgivings, whatever holiday it is you're comparing the current state to what it was before and it feels foreign to you. And so  just remember that your brain is wired for predictability one and for attachment two, holidays are loaded with both expectations for both.  Okay? holidays are loaded with needing, wanting, expecting predictable circumstances and traditions, routines.

. Every Thanksgiving for me, I used to, from the time I was a kid until, you know, alienation happened, really, I knew what Thanksgiving was gonna look like. I had a very traditional classic idea in my mind of what was gonna happen as a kid. We would go to my grandmother's house every year, drive up the four hours to go see her through the mountains.

And I knew I was gonna see the leaves changing and I was going to get there and we were gonna have Turkey and play with my granddad out in the backyard. There was just, you know, uh, certain activities that I always, always expected no matter how old I was. And then I got into my adult years, and regardless of where I was, I knew I was gonna have Turkey and sweet potatoes and whatever.

that tradition felt safe. And so when we don't have that, we start to feel unsafe and then we of course start craving what we did have. So that makes sense, right? But also the holidays are loaded with this idea of closeness, attachment. Families love magic. Like all the ooey, gooey, lovely feelings, soft warm lighting and goodness, ideas of sugar, plums and whatever, you know?

 

In traumatic or ambiguous sort of grief, your brain has had years of wiring that said this date equals kids hear these sounds, these routines, that's what you equate with the world is right on this date, on this holiday, here's what happens. And when those routines aren't being done or there's no sign of them coming, there's no planning for them or whatever, your brain starts to go into freakout I did an episode about this a while back, but like we become hardwired with routines like the brain does.

It starts to develop expectations and rule sets for what happens when. When that neural map, like your brain's map does not update for you. Um, and it takes a long time for that to actually happen, like after your kids leave and you're still expecting them to walk through the door you're still expecting them to be around for Christmas, or you maybe sometimes you still hear noises in the house and you feel like it's them.

Your brain may still have those expectations and routines sit up in there no matter how long it's been. Like it's similar to, um. If you've ever had a loved one, here I go again, comparing death to, uh, alienation, but loved one pass away, someone that lived with you, pass away or animal a dog, a pet cat, whatever.

And every so often you see like a, a blur of something and it seems like them walking by, but you know, it couldn't be them because they died a year ago or something.  Y'all, I still have this with Nita, my pig Carnita. I still have this. I was out in my yard. I mean, well first off, I couldn't even go out to my yard.

My yard yard turned a shit in the, well, she died, it was two years ago in October. October 26th. And for a full year and a half, I really couldn't go out in my yard for more than th three, five minutes without bursting into tears because I just always expected her there. Even though she lived inside with me.

We spent a lot of time outside. But anyway, this a few days ago I was outside and I saw something black, right? Where she used to always hang out and I thought it was her. And like for a second, my heart leaped. I was like walking over there. Like I started to walk over and I was like. That's not Nita Nita's not alive.

And it had been two years. This is actually like making me emotional right now, just thinking about it. Like the idea that she could still be alive. So listen guys, this was my pig, you know, who by the way, I loved dearly

 but anyway, your brain has been hardwired with all of these different routines and expectations. For holidays, for really all the days, right? Depending on, like I said, where you are at in your grief. And it's not a linear process or journey, it's sort of cyclical. So it doesn't matter how long it's been in between, it could just be there are like pockets.

I kind of think of grief, hiding in pockets inside of our body or just in trauma, same way. And sometimes when we shift, when we move, those pockets sort of open up and at the right time, the right moment when we're already feeling safe or when we've processed through enough, something else we'll pop up and be like, okay, we're ready. We feel safe enough to process this now. And so more reminders will come up. I hope. Uh, I'm making sense there, whole point of this is it's not only. the emotional part of you that is going through this whole grief, it's actually to your brain is, it's like a switchboard up there, like a circuit board that is, has these expectations wired in.

So if some part of you keeps listening for the door, checking your phone or expecting for. The holidays to turn out like they once were. Even though it's not rational in your brain, there may be some sort of low grade, or maybe not even low grade, but disappointment or, um, grief around the fact that the holidays aren't the same as they once were. 

There's nothing wrong with you and you are not crazy. This is the evidence or the signs of a loving brain in pain, still looking for the person it's wired to expect.   📍 📍 📍 📍

Number three is the idea that nobody understands you. Okay? You feel like around the holidays the idea is I'm gonna have to go somewhere and have all these reminders that other people have it quote unquote better. And not only that, it's going to amplify this idea.

that nobody understands what you're going through. Okay? So they have it different. They have it better. I want what they have because. I want my kid back, and that's better. Right? And then it's also going to sort of throw in your face, or it feels like it's being thrown in your face, that there's this huge disconnect because nothing's been ruined in their lives.

And look at mine. So of course, I'm out on an island and nobody can understand my pain or my experience. You're carrying this disenfranchised grief, this kind of grief that we all as alienated parents experience when I just made that absolute statement.

All. I think so the majority of us, I can't really think of a, a, an alienated parent who doesn't experience some. Degree of disenfranchised grief, which is crazy because when I, so disenfranchised grief, when I learned about, and I'm gonna go into, I'll give you a quick, definition in a minute, but when I heard this term, I can remember where I was.

I was living in the house on the hill, and it was right during that time that like, I already knew that I wanted to help other alienated parents and I knew that for a couple few years, right? Um, because I never wanted anybody else to feel alone, isolated, miserable, um, left out in the dark, like not knowing what to do or where to go or what was right, or if anybody else had the same experience as me, you know, like all that.

I never wanted anybody else to feel like that again. Ever feel ostracized, criticized, all the things that we experienced as alienated parents. So that was a couple years before, but then. On my own healing journey, when I was getting myself ready to be able to help other alienated parents, I needed to help myself.

First two terms, two healing terms came into my world right around the same time. One of them was disenfranchised grief, and the other one was post-traumatic growth. These two terms, these two concepts opened my whole world up. And I remember being on a coaching call, like a call call back in the day, like not zoom, but like a phone call.

And I was walking my dogs and somebody said, disenfranchised grief. And I was  like, I mean, as I was walking them, I stood up even straighter. And I was like, what are they talking about? What's disenfranchised grief? What is this? I need to know everything about it. And so I remember rushing home and googling everything I could find about it. 

And back then, I mean now there's a lot more stuff out there about it, but there wasn't back then. But when I was doing the research, I found out, I did a whole episode on this, but I found out all the facts and in which kind of cases that disenfranchised grief could be applied or felt, there were lots of different examples the one that wasn't there was us. I was like, but this has to be us too. It's like written all over our whole experience because nobody really knows how to relate with us, as you guys know. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but also it's not even like the people that honestly, genuinely love us and wanna know how to relate to us.

They don't, it's not their fault. It's not intentional. Right. But then also there's this idea, so there's like for regular loving relationships of yours, you may experience disenfranchised grief with, it's sort of like a secondary, uh, sort of grief or loss.

Like so you suffering this loss of your kiddo, Even though they're still here on the planet, but then also you're suffering this loss of, of connection. Real connection, genuine connection with those that you really love and wants, felt connected to with,

right.

So it's like a, it is a secondary loss, also alienation as a whole, can feel really threatening to a lot of other people. People in general. And so talking about your experience can sometimes cause the other people to either, want to deny your experience because they're scared either that one, it will happen to them, or two, it threatens their whole belief system about what is right and true of a good parent.

Okay. And so you may get some pushback or some backlash, judgment and all the things. And this is also a form of disenfranchised grief. Okay. So along with other, um, experiences there, like me, you might feel judged, uh, portrayed and all the things. So I know that this is a lot and earful, but hopefully, um, it all makes sense.

In fact, I'm really going off my notes today and today's the one day that I wanted to stick on my notes, but it is what it is.   📍 📍 📍 In simple terms, disenfranchise grief is real grief. That doesn't get recognized, validated, or supported by the people around you, whether that's intentional or unintentional. It's the kind of grief that doesn't get you casseroles, it doesn't get you sympathy cards, and sometimes even gets questioned or minimized. 

Of course, as you know, our children are alive, but our relationships are blocked, distorted, out of reach or whatever. And society doesn't really know what to do with that type of loss.

, It's not up to them to do anything with that type of loss, but they don't know how to support this kind of loss. So you end up navigating birthdays, holidays, school breaks, and even family events, experiencing a level of pain that would make sense if your child had died.

But because they haven't, it's like your grief doesn't qualify for the same care. Okay. That mismatch can create this awful double layer that I was just kind of referring to. You're already grieving the absence and then you feel weird or too much for even being as sad as you are. Like I said, if you want to know more about, learn more about disenfranchised grief when it comes to us as alienated parents, I will link the episode that I did last year or the year before on that.

It was like the spring of maybe 23, I think. I don't know. I, I, like I said, I'll link it below. I won't forget. Okay. So this kind of grief often leads to more isolation, more shame, self-doubt, more self-doubt, and difficulty accessing social or professional support, because there are no clear rituals or rules for us as the grievers.

There is no protocol for when a parent gets alienated. Sure as shit, you know that a honey bigged tam is coming to the person that lost , their spouse or their child. You know, that there's a, the team of, like the welcome wagon that comes in the HOA, all of your neighbors that come in

the same thing when somebody passes away or I think, is it called Shiva in Judaism, when there's like the seven day period when somebody dies, right? There's a mourning period. The whole family comes and sits to process, which I think is such a freaking amazing idea, uh, tradition, way of life actually, we don't have any of those for alienated parents. So yeah, disenfranchised, unsupported grief is something that we absolutely experience, especially during the holidays, because we're gonna go over to our, our own parents' houses, or wherever it is that you're going.

And they're celebrating everything. Like it's normal so it feels like though they are experiencing loss. If it's your parents or close family of yours, it's not the same as you. Right. And so this whole idea that the world is going on, being happy, and we are not, can feel more isolating and way less supportive around the holidays that you once thought magical.

If this is you, if you're dreading the holidays because you feel like you don't have anybody around you understands or supports what you're going through,  📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 just know that number one, that you are not being dramatic for being in pain, for hurting as much as you are.

Okay? There's nothing wrong with where you are. This is grief I wanna help you to not make excuses for it. I also wanna help you to not use it as an excuse, but to not make excuses for where you are really is the point here. Two, you are not broken for still feeling it , even if it's years later, okay?

I know most of you know this, but really when we're in it, the reminders are always really helpful. Because oftentimes what'll happen is we start turning it all internal because we already feel separated and isolated from them. So we wanna blame them. And we will sometimes, but then it goes back to us like we start gaslighting ourselves, we'll be like, well, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's my fault. How come I can't just accept the holiday for what it is and have fun with everybody else that's having fun? Right. I'm gonna get into that in a minute. But, also, you are not disloyal or ungrateful because the holidays are hard, difficult for you at this moment. 

And when I just said that the holidays aren't factual hard Okay. Or difficult, it just, right now you might be experiencing them that way. And that is can be okay if you wanna let it be. Okay. I will tell you, coming off of the episodes of just recent, that. Resisting, whatever you are feeling in the moment is only gonna add to the difficulty.

Okay? So the absence that you're feeling is a real loss. Even if the world doesn't have a card category,  which by the way would be a freaking fantabulous business idea for one of you out there that is looking to get into something to support alienated parents, make a greeting card business for alienated parents or for bereavement.

Okay. You don't have to just label it just all for, I don't know, you do what you want to do. But I was thinking about this when I was doing this, this outline, writing that out, this outline earlier, I was like, you know, greeting cards for the alienating parent, alienated parent would be not for the alienating parent, but for the alienated parent would be.

So, I mean, it would just be amazing life changing for so many of us, you know?  Anyway. But the world doesn't have that yet. We're not there yet. Hopefully with the awareness that we're bringing out there, that that we will have, that, hopefully there won't be a need for it going further, but, um, the more that we bring it out into the open, the more that we, support each other, the more support there will be out there, the more normalized it is.

Right. there's also not a neat label, like a black, white label for what is happening with us, it's very ambiguous. There are a lot, there's lots of context to add into these nice little neat boxes or rules that everybody likes to label things as. . So it it, it's not some cut and dry marketable experience that we have.

God, nobody wants to market this, but you know what I'm saying? . If nobody around you is naming this is grief, it's very easy to start gaslighting yourself. What to, to wonder if you're just being negative or, maybe you're just stuck. You know, you make it as it's something that's your fault, but  you're not, you're responding like a human to an ongoing, ambiguous, deeply misunderstood loss.

Okay, I wanna say that again. You are responding like a human with a brain that was designed to behave exactly how yours is to an ongoing, ambiguous and deeply misunderstood loss and subsequent grief. Okay? It makes sense, all of it.  If you notice yourself thinking that you should be over this or that you don't have a right to be this upset or like everybody else is having fun and you're not, try pausing and saying, of course, I feel this way.

This is grief. Even if nobody else sees it, I'm going to honor this. It's okay that I feel this way. And it's not that it's self-pity that you're doing that. You don't have to go into self-pity. Self-pity would be like, I feel this way and nobody cares about me. Right? Eor like, there's nothing, nothing's gonna change and life is gonna be blah, blah, blah.

Right? This is just you acknowledging and honoring where you are. Okay? That's you finally giving your nervous system the acknowledgement. It's probably been starving for, especially coming from disenfranchised grief. Okay? what to do if you are planning on going to a get together Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner, whenever you're listening to this birthday, dinner, whatever you're planning on being around people. If you need to give yourself a five minute break or a 20 minute break even, and go take a walk and have some you time to honor your experience so that you're not projecting that or putting that on the everybody else who's not having your experience, do that, but use that time.

I wanna always say, use that time to support you and lift you up and not pigeonhole you. Put you in a box and make you feel separate and on an island from them. especially if you're wanting to feel closeness. If you wanna feel separate, then fine. Do your thing, but, , the walk,, you could actually use that as a way to isolate yourself further or connect yourself, like plug into yourself.

Therefore, that will equip you to go plug back in with them. Does that make sense? Also, make a ritual for yourself. If you're missing the rituals that you had with your kiddos, then maybe make a new ritual for you, whether that's about your kids or just a you celebrate you moving forward and how you're gonna do things, how you're gonna define holidays moving forward.

Support you since you're the, the idea with disenfranchised grief. But there are no, methods of support like protocols for what you do. Then you make those protocols. Okay? Alright. All right. The rest of 'em, four, five, and six. I classify these as pressure, like it would make sense, when we think about holidays, why we feel dread.

Um, I think anyway, because of these,   📍 📍 📍 📍 we have these cultural shoulds and shuoldn'ts rules, about the holidays in general. Holidays should always be magical. During the holidays. You should be surrounded by loved ones. Holidays shouldn't be a time for intruders, IE the alienating parent, Holidays should be about love and happiness and magic. Puppy dog tales and unicorns, and, those oftentimes cause all of this unneeded pressure that adds to our pain, adds to our suffering. 

Some of the other scripts that we have is like, I shouldn't still be this upset. I should be over this right now. Things shouldn't still be this hard for me, this difficult for me, it's been years. How come things are still so hard? I used this one, I used that script. a lot, especially actually after.

And it wasn't necessarily always around the holidays. I mean, it was, I kind of, for me, I used the holidays as like a regrouping time. I went inward during the early healing days, you know, but I used to tell myself all the time that like rebuilding my life financially, , mentally all the things shouldn't be this hard.

It shouldn't be this hard. There's something wrong with me. That one really fucked with me for a long time, and I'll tell you right now, this is a Byron and Katie thing, and thank God that I somehow found her work early on, though it was radical work and I was sometimes offended by some, the stuff that she said.

It also was life changing because sh the, one of the things that I learned early on from her is like, when you fight reality, you lose but a hundred, a hundred percent of the time. And that when we tell ourselves that it should be this way, it's a lie because it, how do we know things should be the way they are is because they are the way they are.

They're already here. So we know they should be. 'cause they're, it's here, you know? So why are we gonna try to fight what's already here? It makes no sense. It's like you're just, it's a boxing match up in your head but I did, I made it into and pressured my own self into believing that I should be further along than I was and I shouldn't be, have so much trouble.

And my, so there was something, I made it about, there was something wrong with my brain, that the trauma had caused so much damage to my brain that I didn't have a memory and that my processing was off, and that everything was so clunky and it took me 10,000 times longer than the rest of the world to get tasks done, especially like new tasks that I was learning.

But that only added to my pain and suffering in the length of time and the, the difficulty. All of the tasks because I was now then telling myself, faulting my own self for it, and faulting even the trauma and the whole situation would get super frustrated at that, which kept me in a holding pattern and had me not get done the things that I needed to get done.

You know, it's kind of this unhelpful way that we screw ourselves mentally, you know, and, and, , punish ourselves for where we are. But again, it's only gonna hold you further back than you ever wanna be. Anyway. Yeah, so I shouldn't still be this upset. Um, I should make the best of it.

Um, oh yeah, that's another one. It's like, I should be making the best of this. I should be. Appreciating what is going on in there with the family , or I should look forward to the holidays. How come it's been this long and I can't even look forward to the holidays now there's all these fucking stupid rules that will, no offense, but that we put on ourselves that make our experience that much worse because we're comparing ourselves to whoever ideal out there, some romanticized idea about how things should look for us.

But those are just like commercialized ideas. A lot of times that have been sold to us, like we bought into that rarely actually speak the truth of most people's realities. You know, usually those ideas just, they're like commercialized this way. By corporations to sell whatever products they're selling, sell the idea of a cozy, lovely, magical holiday.

, There will be those experiences, but as you'll hear in just a little bit in order to have those experiences, you also have to have the not so magical experiences. Or else you, you wouldn't appreciate it when it was magical and it wouldn't be magical then.

Okay? Um, the other kinds of rules or statements that we'll put on ourselves are always, and never, my holidays will never be the same. Now that my kids are gone, or now that my kids aren't speaking to me, they'll never speak to me again. I will always feel this way about this whole situation. Which makes your brain go, oh, we're always gonna feel this way.

Okay, we're gonna look for the evidence to support how it's always gonna be that way, which will cause you to like, repeat and perpetuate, prolong your suffering because your, your brain is going to work to try to prove your belief about how things are always gonna be this way. True, accurate, valid.

You know what I'm saying? But it doesn't have to be. So how could the opposite be true? How is it up to me to decide how can I define what this holiday is going to be for me and I'll define the next holiday when I get there? You know? So it doesn't let if you, when, if and when you hear yourself, if you're a black, white thinker, then the always and never are gonna come up for you a lot, probably.

Identify and acknowledge when that language comes up for you and question whether it's helpful for you or not. Is this statement helpful for me? How do I feel when I say the statement? So if the statement is like, I'll always be alone, ask yourself, how am I not alone right now? Consider how the opposite is true. I'm not saying to deny your current thought or belief about where you are, but just also say, okay, I hear you brain, but how else could we think about this?

How might somebody living a parallel life to me think about this? You know, uh, think about somebody that you admire or you look up to, like a, a mentor in your life. How might they think about this? That is different from how I'm thinking about it, not because you need to be there, but consider the alternative ideas?

Okay? Another one is good parents always call or visit their kids on the holidays. Are, they would call me if I was a good parent, if they believed that I was a good parent.

Let those absolute statements go. There is so much context that each one of those statements actually deserves. Okay. Don't let those rule your life. Um, another one is grandparents should always See kids open gifts like on if it's Christmas or birthdays or whatever, kids should always call and think or write and think the grandparents, it's another one that's going to fuck you in the end.

They shouldn't always do it. How do we know that they shouldn't always do it? Because it's not happening right now. Like with my daughter, my mom sends her gifts and my dad sends her gifts every holiday that comes around and my daughter stopped sending thank you cards, like writing notes couple, few years ago.

So obviously it shouldn't always be the case 'cause it's not the case in my daughter's situation, Would it be nice? Sure. I'm sure my parents would appreciate that greatly, but that doesn't mean that it should always happen. You hear me? Okay. It's just gonna screw you in the end. That's why. Um, so think about your shoulds or your always, or whatever it is, list three of them or think of three of them in your mind that you have either shoulds, shouldn't always, never absolute statements that you have.

And then for each of those statements, consider where you picked this up, this belief up. Like, who told me this? When did I start believing that kids should always call on Mother's Day? Father's Day, Christmas, right? Did you pick that up because it was just adopted? Likely it was just adopted Through what you've seen in the traditions and how most people celebrate it.

When and where, why did you adopt whatever you're saying? And is it helpful now? What else might be helpful or more helpful in this situation? What else might feel more supportive of me now? More supportive of them now? What do I actually value here? Do I even care about this tradition or whatever the rule is on the traditions?

You know, like if you're thinking everyone has somebody to celebrate with, is that helpful or is it not? Where did I get that idea from? Who told me that everyone has someone to celebrate with commercials on tv. Okay, so do I really wanna believe that if this year I'm not celebrating with anybody?

Because I, I promise you, like I've spent, I can't even tell you how many years in a row and how many holidays, like individually that I chose to , spend by myself or I did just because of the circumstances by myself. And everybody knows, you know, from like COVID and stuff, you can celebrate a holiday by yourself.

It doesn't have to be celebrated with somebody else. And it doesn't mean you're miserable if you don't. Okay? once you see all the rules for what they are, I can just create a little bit of breathing room for you, right? Like, where did I develop this?

When did I start to believe this? Why did I start to believe this? Is this really back up my true values today? And do I wanna carry that with me? Is it helpful? Do I feel supported by repeating this rule for myself? And then from there, the question becomes, given all this my nervous system, my grief, and the reality situation, what is real for me? Right? How do I wanna define this holiday? Um, which will create a whole different kind of holiday for you, whole different kind of environment and just, space for you.  📍 📍 📍 📍

 

All right, number five is that you're surrounded by all these images of happy, intact families and may feel pressured into feeling gratitude. Which of course can be a form of self gaslighting when you're acutely grieving. . And research links that to more shame and isolation, not less when you're telling yourself you should be somewhere else, or that you should be having an experience that you're not currently having.

It pressures you to like, to be performative with gratitude rather than actually feeling anything real. You know, so it can also, compound your feelings of disconnection. If gratitude lists make you feel worse, you're, doesn't mean that you're an ungrateful person.

Hear me. You're probably trying to layer the, I should be thankful on top of what may be unacknowledged pain, like unprocessed trauma wounds. I wanted to think about how I said that. 'cause I know that just last week I talked about there are no old wounds, but if it's they're still there and not healed yet, then you could be trying to slap on some sort of of happy face sticker on, an area that actually needs some patience, kindness, nice stitching and love.

Hopefully that makes sense.  Listen, I know that I sell you all the time that I am even grateful for the terrible things that have happened. In fact was last Thanksgiving or the Thanksgiving before where I was talking about, I'm even grateful for the alienating parent doing some of the things that he did because I now am in a place that I never would've gotten to had it not been for him being.

The words that are coming to me right now is a monster. Um, probably not helpful for you, but again, I probably won't edit it out 'cause it's real, like how I was thinking back then. Right? I know that I sell that to you.  But I need to say this, and I, I don't know if I said it to you before, but I was thinking about this today when I was writing this. I'm not a gratitude list person when you're in pain, like acute pain because I believe, or not even just gratitude list or pressuring yourself to feel something that you're not.

Because I think that

like if you're just starting on your healing journey and just starting to advocate for yourself in this way and the way that I talk about in this podcast. Trying to live up to this, what I was just talking about earlier, could do more harm than good for you. Okay? So please, please, please never think that I think, or I'm trying to tell you, you should just be grateful.

You should find the silver linings in everything and live into those and not acknowledge your pain. I am never saying that. I'm saying, and always, and I'm in pain and I can advocate for myself. I'm not. I'm gonna find my power. I am finding my power, whatever. It's never a replacement. Something that you should just distract shiny objects.

I'm in pain. But look over here, it's so pretty. Like butterflies, never.  Okay. All right. And I just actually, I just came off as saying always and never, but I really truly mean absolute here. I'm never gonna tell you to just replace one with the other. Now that I say that there is a, an instance when we're talking about, God, this is so long. Now, when we're talking about indulgent emotions, then yeah, I will tell you to replace, if it's like a habitual thing and you've been indulgent about like overwhelm ,

self pity is another one. There's times where I'm, I will say absolutely just think something different because otherwise you're just going to sit in that and it's not doing you any good. It's just, uh, it's not helpful all the way around. But anyway, that's not, that's for another episode.

All right, so instead, what to do instead of, I should feel grateful I should be happy that I'm still even here. I should be happy that I have people to celebrate with is another way we do this. And then I will say that attachment styles play into this.

I feel like that if you're an anxiously attached person, then you will go to the I shoulds a lot quicker than maybe other attachment styles might. And you know that attachment styles aren't a fixed thing. They can shift over time with your self-advocacy.

Okay. . If you do wanna feel some gratitude, renew your love for the things that you've started to take for granted. So you may not wanna feel grateful about your situation or about how the, your ex is behaving or whoever is behaving in your life. And that is okay.

You know? And, and which is always the helpful thing to say, I don't like what they're doing here and I have things to be grateful for too. Okay. And those things are like, if you're like, I don't know what to feel grateful for right now, because everything sucks. That's when you're telling yourself a lie.

Because not everything is at all times. Like, nothing is ever. That Where everything sucks. There are things that I know that you can find that are good, that are working for you in your life, but you just may have to open your eyes and renew the contract that you have with those things in your life.

Okay? So like, remember when you first moved into the place that you're living. If you liked it back then, if you felt that sense of newness and goodness about it, like, I love this place. It's better than the last place or whatever. You're, you've, you've said back then, like, go back to that place that, mental place right when you were there. remember what you loved then, about the place you're living or your car, or it doesn't have to just be outside things. You can , find gratitude in , you on the inside for how. Willing, you've been to show up for yourself over and over and over again, which we can take ourselves for granted.

I mean, it's the one thing I think that we all do so much because we live with ourselves all the time, it's like, kind of like when your kid was growing like actively, actively, you don't really notice.

When they've gone through a growth spurt because you've been watching them grow the whole time you've been there for the whole process. So it doesn't seem as shocking. . Or as, , impactful. But if somebody else, you know, you're like, your parents saw them after four months, then they grew, oh my gosh, they shot up like a weed.

Well, of course it's impactful for them the same with you, like about like how far you've come. But you can have gratitude for yourself is where I'm going. I'm really talking today and I have, I'm going so off of script or off of my outline, but anyway. so renew your mental contract with the things that you have in your life today.

Maybe it's that you renew your, gratitude that you once had for a partner or another relationship that you have in your life. Like, why did you really appreciate and love them and get all the happy, good feelings or like a parent or sister or brother, whoever. When is it that you really truly appreciate them and like, feel overwhelmed with love when was the last time?

And how can you renew that? Okay? , And that can create a space of safety for you too, renewing your, emotional, mental investment in the things that are already in your life, which will cause you to go into less of a have not place, and more into a.

prosperous place, , that's when you can actually, appreciate what you have right now as opposed to wishing your life away and wishing you were up there. Things will be better when I get a better job or I have more money, or I have savings in my account, or whatever you're saying there.

Things will never get better because you're always gonna be pushing the bar, you know, up. And then we talked about this recently, but instead, how can I be so grateful? Renew my thankfulness for what I have current, not by gaslighting yourself, by, but by really finding the joy in those things. Okay.

  📍 📍 📍 📍

The last one is, listen, y'all, I think that we all, and I hear this from my clients all the time, we have this idea in our minds that happiness is the goal.

We gotta get to happy because that's what it should be about. I don't wanna feel in pain anymore. And now I know that if we're talking about life being 50 50, we've been mostly experiencing many of us anyway, depending on how long you've been here, especially in the acute beginning stages are feeling the lower half of that 50% more often.

You know, of the emotion spectrum. We're feeling the neggie feelings a lot more, but just also know that most of those neggie emotions are appropriate given the situation and that the goal in my mind, ought not be happiness. As where we're trying to hit for the rest of our lives, because happiness doesn't produce the results that you want in the end.

Like you're telling it's a lie. Oh, I wanna just get to happy. I don't wanna be experiencing loss, grief, sadness, all those things. But that is part of the human condition. Those emotions, all of the emotions show us our evidence of our aliveness.

Of our humanness. So instead of happiness or togetherness being a measure of some sort of successful holiday or a successful life, successful venture for you, whatever, ,  maybe instead Shift your attention to, I'm feeling these emotions because I'm a human being all of the emotions that I'm feeling are appropriate for where I'm at and the thoughts that I'm leaning into these days.

And that is, okay, if we wanna produce a different result, we just have to start leaning into different thoughts so that those become beliefs. But right now it's not about getting somewhere else or getting to happy. Happiness, I don't think I wanna say should never be the goal, but I just got done preaching to you about never and should.

So, you know what I'm saying though? Feeling sad, feeling angry, numb, even, , makes so many parents that I talk with think that they're failing instead of seeing those states as a normal part of being human

in a painful situation. a challenging situation, however you wanna say it. It makes sense is all I'm saying. Don't tell yourself that happiness is the goal. Please. I mean, I don't wanna tell you what to tell you, but, oh gosh, I gotta end this. You tell yourself whatever you want, but if you want to get to happy or feel okay, I haven't said this in a while, but I believe for me, happiness is this idea.

That we're on the path that feels right Currently. Things are okay, and I'm headed where I wanna go. But it makes sense, right, too, if something has just happened that you might be feeling like I was talking about earlier in the episode, we're like, oh my gosh, everything's gone wrong.

Like, this isn't how it's supposed to be, which is also gonna cause you a big opposite of happy. But, maybe instead when you're feeling the sad, all the other emotions, this is evidence that I am a human and I, I, I know that I could instead get good master experiencing and allowing all the emotions, especially when I deem it, appropriate.

For the situation at hand and for the beliefs that I have around the situation at hand, give yourself permission to have all the emotions you don't have to make the negative. I know this sounds so, wordy and contradictory, but you don't have to make the negative emotions a negative experience.

There's positive and negative, whatever, but it doesn't have to mean that you're going in the wrong direction because you're experiencing the negative emotion. It could just be

what is, it doesn't have to ruin your holiday. It doesn't have to ruin your day. It could just be an emotion that's adding to the complexity in a good way. The texture and ooey goodness of a complete holiday. Let's face it folks, which holiday have you ever experienced that didn't have some negativity in it?

Seriously, we're sold this idea, but there is some bickering, fighting, or like some sort of challenge in many of the best experiences in holidays. Okay. And then by the end, maybe, hopefully you get through it and you can look back on the whatever happened earlier and laugh and, relax about the negativity.

That to me, is a complete holiday, especially when we add family into the mix. So anyway,

that is all I have for you guys. Okay. Holidays don't need to be. The pressure that we make of them. And this goes to every human on the face of the earth, but especially us experiencing this prolonged, ambiguous, intense, traumatic , disenfranchised form of grief, all the different forms of grief that we do, many of us do experience.

You can define each holiday for you moving forward based on your values and what feels helpful and most supportive for you today? Don't make it be about what it should shouldn't be. What the Joneses think over there, what your parents think. What whoever, how do you wanna make this now?

And then you take the steps to support that

agenda for yourself. Okay. Y'all. If you're here in the United States, happy, happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you. If you're outside of the United States and you're not, this is not your holiday, then please, I extend that as for the week, this coming week. And also, for any holiday that might be coming up for you in the near future.

Okay. I love you all and I'll see you next week. Okay, bye.

 Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-sized clips and tips, be sure to find me on TikTok or Instagram. See you next week.

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:33 Thanksgiving and Holiday Reflections

01:14 Understanding Alienation During Holidays

03:37 Six Reasons Why Holidays Are Difficult

16:29 Coping with Holiday Memories and Expectations

23:04 Disenfranchised Grief and Isolation

33:32 Understanding Ambiguous Grief

34:39 Acknowledging Your Feelings

35:49 Coping Strategies for Social Gatherings

37:25 Challenging Cultural Expectations

39:16 Reframing Negative Self-Talk

42:15 Letting Go of Absolute Statements

52:08 Finding Gratitude Amidst Pain

56:09 Redefining Holiday Expectations

01:01:05 Final Thoughts and Farewell