In episode 151 of The Beyond The High Road Podcast, Shelby Milford announces the release of volume four of the podcast's highlights & best clips. In the episode, she shares personal experiences, including her journey of healing and self-discovery following the forced estrangement from her daughter. The podcast addresses the importance of defining problems within one's control, embracing hard truths, rejecting self-sabotaging thoughts, and focusing on creating a fulfilling life despite the challenges of parental alienation. While the episode provides effective strategies for overcoming negative emotions & seeking personal growth; maintaining hope and resilience are discussed in-depth, with Shelby encouraging alienated parents to find purpose & cultivate joy in their lives.

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

 You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 151. Stay tuned.

  Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby Milford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you.

Stay tuned.

 Hey guys, how we doing today? I am going to read you right off the bat. I'm gonna read you a another review we got. Look at you guys. Bam, bam, bam. Last three weeks. I believe that somebody, at least one person has written a review each week.

So thank you already. I, I wanna say that I was so surprised to see this new review here. okay, so the title is, this is an incredible podcast. I highly recommend this podcast. The insights have been life-changing. Thank you, Shelby, for your life-saving work. Your dedication and commitment to this cause is very visible and inspiring from one human to another.

Thank you. And that was from Organic Art. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, as you know, um, and. I don't think that there's any new comments on Spotify or anything, um, at the moment.

But, this week I've decided to just go ahead and release volume four of the best stuff I have done it. Just know too that, because like, so volume three was pretty much basically episode 99 through 124 or something like that, and then this. chapter of it is the more recent episodes from like 1 24, 1 25 through.

I do have some of the newer episodes sort of peppered in, but not as heavily as, um, you know, some of the o other episodes that maybe you haven't listened to in a while if you're listening to 'em in order. But I do have the, the six confronting truths that is a theme throughout it, um, because I do think it's so pertinent and so important for all alienated parents .

When you're ready to come to terms with each one of those truths so that those are, uh, the six truths are peppered in throughout this, sort of the anchors to the rest of the episode. So I hope you enjoy it and I will see you next week with brand new content.

I'm actually cannot wait for next week to come because I've had some goings on anyway, on my side of thing as far as my situation with my daughter. And so I'm looking forward to sharing that stuff with you. So stay tuned for next week too.

Okay. All right.

It's not just with my kind of trauma or your kind of trauma, that bad decisions are made that regretful choices happen,  you dealt with it poorly or you didn't compose yourself or . Whatever you're blaming yourself for, it's not only specific to you when a threat comes on, we crave what is comforting, what is nurturing,  And if we don't have any of those things around, we make even the unsafe safe for us.  We're not always thinking with our right brain, our higher thinking in those moments, especially coming out of some traumatic event or in the middle of, , calamity catastrophe, also during grief. Still, a lot of you could be operating in survival mode.

And from there we will eliminate the unnecessary things and find comfort Shelter in whatever we will make due. Sometimes that making do is what causes us to regret later..

 If you can accept these hard truths and start redirecting your path, you'll be fine. You will find happiness and you will be able to create joy in your life and you will not feel so flip flop up, down rollercoaster, like you might be feeling right now in this uncertainty of what's gonna happen next,

  number one is,

that most parents, spend years, like I was just talking about, if not lifetimes focusing on the wrong problem. Something I learned from my mentor years ago is that in order to solve a problem, you must first clearly define it,  was no problem for me to define.

My ex is acting as a barrier in between me and my kiddo, He has stopped at nothing to remove me from her life, you know, jailing me, you know, with false accusations and all the things., But my coach went on to say, and that you must define it the problem  in a way that puts you in control of the situation.

 So my problem couldn't be then my ex is alienating my kid, and it makes sense, because if your ex is alienating your kid from you, nobody knows where to go from there. You can't know where to go from there.   When we're talking about other people's behavior, other people's dislike of us or their feelings, you know, about us.

There's nothing that we can do about those. But every alienated parent that I know, and I mean every alienated parent that I know is either spending or has spent their time engulfed in the problem of alienating parent standing in the way of them and their kid.

Every alienated parent I know has at some point spent their time thinking about how their children aren't speaking to them or they're not their children anymore. They're not, they don't behave like the loving child that, the alienated parents raised.

They all have fallen under their spell. It's absolutely crazy how intimidated people are of them. Bow down to child abusers. Why don't you unbelievable. 

So I got off the phone and turned the car around. I spent the afternoon doing the homework my coach assigned to me. The first exercise

was to put down in writing the events leading up to the separation so fear swallowed there. I went i'd written every shame filled thought and every guilt filled action associated with the beginning of this whole disaster thing is if you're like me, there wasn't just one occurrence that led up to the forced estrangement, but instead a string of events scattered over about 11 years.

each one of those events provoked the same full body stress response, a response that hits your soul, not just the kind of response you feel when you lose a job or you get into an accident, not when your brother passes away suddenly, or when you found that your significant other has been cheating.

It's something entirely different. like your inner force field has been stabbed and you're feeling the vibration of the damage physically. Your ears start a light ringing.

Your legs become weak. Gut is doing flips and your heart actually aches. A sense of dire emergency fills your whole being. Revisiting my past is something I've been brave enough to do piecemeal. Up until now, but not all at once, and never to the extent that I did in this writing, not even in my years of therapy.

although I'm exhausted, I'm glad I did it. I kept reminding myself that the events have already happened. I cannot change or hide from them, and whether I like it or not, they're in my DNA now. I may as well acknowledge they've happened and make peace with them so I can move forward.  So here, I took the time that I I thought I'd be spending with my daughter, and channeled it into addressing the shame, of course, that I had been avoiding trying to avoid any way evade for, 11 years. and that was one of the first big, huge, huge healing steps, in my whole path to sitting right here in this chair talking with you guys.

138 episodes into a podcast helping other alienated parents having the courage and following through on facing the events that led up to Scarlett moving to her dad's house full-time.

But they wrote something like, they just had to realize that they are a stranger to their kids if that's not working for you, if you feel like you have to come to that conclusion, that's. Actually never necessary to have those kinds of thoughts about anybody. You decide how you want to feel about your relationship with your kid, and you can generate feelings of closeness by the thoughts that you choose to allow in your brain. thoughts will come in and you can either decide to pay attention to them or pay no mind.

Right. Oh, okay. That's just a crazy thought that just came in. It's kinda like when you have dreams, you know, well that was a crazy dream. Or you can make the dream mean something for, for the rest of your life, you know? Well, that one dream meant that I was gonna fail forever. And then of course, you're gonna find all the evidence to support how that dream is, creating your reality.

it's the same thing with the thoughts that you choose to believe, the reality that you're opting in on on the daily basis. And if you think I'm a stranger to my kid, and it causes you to feel ostracized,  then maybe pick a different set of thoughts

 When you're telling yourself that all I can hope for is just to get by not feeling the pain that I once did. you're actually looking at your life and your future in such a way that you have to avoid pain, what's ahead of you.

is a video game of bombs, and you have to somehow frogger your way through . And avoid the painful blow ups, chance of death even, And that, is a good way to keep you in a freeze, keep you in stress response.

By thinking that you have to avoid pain from now through your future. Staving it off. As long as I can just get through not feeling the trauma of the past, and I can just put the blinders on and move forward in life, then I'll be fine.

I just can't look left or right, I know, cause I've lived that it's an awful way to live. are meantYou are meant .

If you've come through this, if you're listening to this podcast, if you're out there searching for ways to, Grow make it through. Following something like alienation where your children have been taken from you or are being threatened. Your parenthood role is being threatened. I promise you that this isn't just to happen so that you can be the martyr 

 in my mind I could fix myself up in all the ways think straight about it. But still I was stuck Feeling a victim. Like yeah, but this area  Their actions to alienate, incarcerate, belittle and ostracize me, those became me. Their actions became my story. That was really hard to escape from. But. I know now that I can't say I was thinking about it wrong. It makes sense that I thought about it this way. That would make sense that you think about it this way. If that's you, you know, like that the alienation has now infiltrated your entire life, and this is who you are now. Is for me, this alienated mom. I didn't know who else I was besides that, how could I be anything other than that this is my child. They're affecting.

I know that every single one of us At some point in our journey after alienation began has felt like negativity was a fact. I felt like it was a curse inescapable.  I could not get out of the negative feeling negative because negative was always happening around me.

Negative was always happening at me to me, because of me. In spite of me, however, you know. when alienation begins. Usually there's bigger events that happen, sort of life changing, role altering events that happen. And then we also have a lot, a lot of these little nuanced offenses, if you will, that happen along the way. That put together feel like these huge, monumental offenses.

on top of that, because we as alienated parents are usually working from survival mode, especially in the beginning, your brain is conditioned to look for the negative. To look for the danger, And then on top of that, the stories that you tell yourself already. And what is fresh in your mind and my mind when I was there too, is all of the negative stuff.

truth number two nobody is coming to save you.  Not from your pain, not from the predicament that you're in. The courts aren't gonna protect you or save you.

The therapists aren't, not even your children are the guardian ad litems. Nobody is coming to save you. Even your attorneys, and I mean this when I say this with so much love in my heart because I want to teach you, to provide for yourself no matter what. And if extra help arrives, then that's a bonus. You know, that way you're not spending your time spinning your wheels or sitting in halt cycle. Waiting for other people to come and do something that you are probably not even probably, are certainly able to do for yourself. 

Being dependent on something external it will always act as a barrier to your healing, and it only adds to your feelings of powerlessness and aloneness, like it's you against the world.

not having a plan One of the biggest things that this cost me,  the financial and legal consequences were devastating, for myself, and more importantly, maybe not more importantly, but equally as important for my daughter.

Me not having a plan and wanting to outsource all responsibility to the people that weren't doing their jobs cost. My daughter and I a lot of precious time. And I hate that that's the truth, but it really is.  Now, I don't know if I would've been following a plan if other people would've fell in line or not, but I definitely know that I would've increased my odds for sure.

But because I didn't have a plan and I was just out in space, you know, disconnected to everything, I couldn't, take the proactive steps that I needed to take to advocate for her and myself, for us together in an effective, efficient way.

If you aren't tasking yourself to find the steps, you won't find them and you will convince yourself that you have nothing.

There's no steps to take. There's nothing that you need to do with all the other people that you're waiting on. I promise you that will feel real.

  We punish our own selves and tell ourselves we,

We don't wanna experience love or hope or joy anymore because that was ruined when our kids were taken from us.  Which actually is the punishment that the alienating parent or whoever's alienating your kids from you wants to instill in you or upon you. That's their point. So why are we trying to put the last nail in the coffin?

It makes no sense. It is self-sabotaging.

We lose access to our playfulness, our optimism, our social skills curiosity. That once helped us tremendously in the middle of adversity. So if you notice that you seem to be way less resilient ever since the alienation happened.

It could be because you have shut all of you down. 

  I never said alienation happened because I'm being punished. I didn't have that language. Although I know some of you do. Mine was more like,  this is what you get for not being responsible. For not knowing I used to think of myself as being neurotic.

impulsive. And so I would tell myself that sort of like karma because I'm that way, this is how life is for me. Basically, yeah, it was like a punishment. I should learn my lesson and be a different person that those qualities in me or those, behaviors I was displaying were bad and wrong.

And I needed to do better and be better. Which is really terrible. I felt really icky a lot of the time about who I was as a person and because of course, the nature of this whole dynamic of alienation is very punishing, right? So you have the alienating parent and maybe even the opposing attorney and maybe some of your family, who knows, like, there may be a whole bandwagon of people pointing at you and saying, if you weren't this way, this wouldn't have happened.

If that is there for you, just know, please, please take this from me. 

It's not true. It's a fucking lie.  It's not that you're being punished or that because you were this way, the cause and effect, because you were flighty or because you weren't disciplined enough, you weren't doing the things required of you to see your kid, that this is why this happened. Please, don't believe that.

It is a lie. I just got fired up about this because it fucked me up for so long like it'll bring me to tears. I shamed myself not even knowing I was shaming myself because I believed it to be fact that I was just irresponsible and fucked up and that's why everything happened.

That I didn't care about my kid in the way that other people would care for her so it was my fault. And I'm telling you that is not the truth. Other people, and I know that you also know this equally as much, is that other people have done some crazy stuff, that still see their kids on a very regular basis.

They're not being alienated. They're not being erased and replaced you know that I am all about personal responsibility and taking accountability for your life, But you can't take accountability for your life if you're shaming yourself. They're two separate things. opposite ends of the spectrum.

Shaming yourself. It's going to cause you to continue feeling and doing shameful. you're not inherently bad that behaviors or the traits that you might have displayed in the past

it's not who you are. taking accountability for your life is like, okay, this didn't work for me. And understanding why you showed up in that way to begin with, that's being accountable and being responsible and being the leader of your own life How are you advocating for yourself? How are you speaking to yourself on the everyday? What limitations are you putting on yourself? And are you good with those limitations?

I don't know who started this but the idea of classifying yourself as severely alienated, moderately alienated feel like that there is zero point to classifying yourself in that way.

I'm severely alienated versus I am just alienated, I,  I, I see zero upside. To thinking about it this way,  I think saying I'm severely alienated Just saying that out loud that way already starts something up in my central nervous system., I don't know that I feel cortisol releasing right now, but that's the idea. It feels really activating to say I'm severely alienated. Makes me feel set apart from, and  more isolated, more alienated, because it's severe.  Which will lead you to holding onto your pain, keeping it secret only reinforcing shame, guilt and this idea that we can't share because it's too dangerous out there. And that nobody will understand us. They will judge us. They will reject us. Then this whole "I'm severely alienated" is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not only will you be severely alienated, quote unquote from your kiddo, now you're severely alienated from society, as a whole because of

the mindset that the words or the term "severely alienated" how that makes you feel inside, and then how you show up as a result of it.

 abandonment of your whole self, can also make reconciliation feel completely out of reach because once you've departed from the version of you that was with your kids.  And now you're this different person who is not allowed to go back. You've shut the door on who you were so that you can avoid the pain.

It's going to feel that much more out of reach to reconnect with your kid because the only one that connects with your kid is the past version of you that you've already shut down. so you'll have a harder time grasping or picturing the idea of you two getting back or whoever, however many kids you have, getting back together.

You can't make that a reality for you in your brain because there's this disconnect between the parent you and the you today.

 it's almost impossible when you're following a plan to feel directionless and purposeless.

Back then? Me telling myself that I had no moves to make, that I needed to wait on them in order for me to get somewhere.  That was a lie.  It was a lie a hundred percent. There were all these little baby lies that I told myself all day long, every day for  years on end.  I told myself, and I began to believe that I had no moves to make that everything was the responsibility of somebody else.

I had already done all the things and that just compounded. And so then .  I was not only a victim to the alienator.  I was now a victim of the system. Why?  Because I wasn't taking responsibility, finding the, steps that I could take. And there's always,   it's just a matter of you getting started, taking action, putting one foot forward and then another, and you will find that there's plenty of action to take

  She would say, you will never guess who I saw this week. and what they were doing at the baseball field. It was like bait. I hated getting those calls,  like, I loved them and I hated them  because I was so alone and I was craving connection it felt good to have them call me. because in my mind, if they're calling me and talking poorly about the other side, then that meant they saw what's going on.

 It felt validating  I would commiserate with them  

But I , always felt so much worse after getting off the phone with them. even while on the phone with them, I would usually get into this whole huge stress response because I felt got into a position where they would start with Oh, I saw. the stepmom yelling at Scarlett, my, my daughter, um, out somewhere. And so I would get sucked in by that.

But then the conversation would somehow, I don't know if that was my doing or their, it doesn't matter, but would somehow turn out to be me explaining myself away.

it felt awful and I would usually be anxiety ridden and in a stress response. It sucked. It was miserable. And then I would get off the phone and it didn't stop there.

I would Either be immediately hung over emotionally hung over from that conversation, or I'd be reeling about everything that I overshared , so there was a lot of drama inside of me and this feeling of betrayal. Yet at the same time, this feeling of inclusion. Yeah. It's fucking weird. and I was adding to it. and I didn't have to.

And so what I would do is instead of participating in it, , I just stopped answering the phone. And so then I went into full hiding which was also not good.

  I've got these seeds. In my kitchen drawer they're in like this little bowl,  And they're all different kinds of seeds, actually,   each one of those seeds,   think about those as, Different ideas and goals that you've had.  especially coming from trauma, we get into the people pleasing doubting ourselves and the further in the dark and in the drawer, those seeds get pushed,  We start putting all of our wants and desires on the back burner until  you don't even remember which seed is what,  Things get like all mucky blurry.  longer that those seeds sit in some dark place not being tended to, the likelihood of them germinating becomes less and less,

 you have to say yes to those seeds, those ideas,  

would mean putting each one of those seeds. out in the ground somewhere, digging a little hole and placing them covering them back up and waiting,  if it's watered regularly, proper sunlight, eventually it'll come up.  But, Because we can't see what's going on underground,  we'll go out and we'll look and nothing's there   A couple days more.

Nothing's there.  We let a week go by  it's dry because you forgot to water it one day and there's a bunch of weeds growing in its place and you start to lose hope. And you're like,  what's going on here? Why won't my seed work? Was it a bad seed?

Then you're like, well, maybe I should just check.  And so you dig away all the weeds and you start to dig  down. And you realize that a whole root system has grown underneath the ground.

You just can't see it because The soil's over it. by doing that, you interrupt the growth, Nevertheless, you cover the seed back up with soil,

And then finally up, it pops through we see the little green stem. But then we've got aphids or spider mites that come and they like to eat all the new leaves.

And so if we, don't tend to the pests things go to shit in a hurry It's at its most vulnerable being, brand new.

When we're most vulnerable, think about our situations of alienation, it feels like we're being pecked at challenged and kicked assaulted and all the things that the alienating parent does. Court doesn't work out right and lawyers are expensive and all the things happen to us we could lose faith.

just say, forget it, forget all of this. And that's what I did for a long time. That's what many alienated parents do. They're like, fuck it. Nothing works. Many people give up, like, give up, give up. And I don't want that for you. I don't want that for me. I don't want that for anybody.

It's so important to have faith. And stick with your yeses. Don't go digging up that seed and ruin that root system that it's working so hard to build for you. It's building your foundation, you just don't see it yet.

It's happening. , But especially when it comes to self growth, mental health is concerned. It's so common that you don't really see the rewards coming your way. If you've got these big goals for yourself, but you have to get the foundation, right.

Your core, right. Before just trust and know that even though that you can't see the huge And in impact that you're making, keep going. Don't stop. Every time you doubt, it's like digging up that seed again and ruining Everything that you've already been working so hard for.

You have the choice to walk away and not water it, and not tend to it, or you have the choice to say yes to it, water it, and let it grow.

loosen yourself, right? Unlock yourself from the stuckness and from the negativity.  Just consider how , different possibilities might create a better reality for you in the long run. that's what complicates things is if we are so committed to the victim role, um, and to the, wronged parent, wronged mom, wronged dad role, and showing that to the world, you're gonna find yourself in a lot of sticky places.

and I get it if you are committed to, spreading awareness, but there's a way that you can spread awareness and not spread victimhood, you know, you can absolutely have. a huge impact in the world, much bigger impact. If you ask me when you have been through it and can see the positive from the negative, think of do we ever have a TED talk where somebody is still in it and feeling victimized?

Never, there's never been, never been a great motivational speaker or, or speaker that brings awareness, who is stuck in the negativity and feeling completely, handcuffed by abuse? No,

 but nothing, and I mean nothing, will show you your default mindset like idle time or catastrophe. Idle time during catastrophe,  When your world blows up and you have nowhere to run, nowhere to bury your thoughts, nothing to busy yourself with. But you waiting. then what?

Why should survival be the standard, We've been in survival mode for, for me, I was in survival mode basically my whole life. Most of my life anyway, I'm over survival mode. I don't want to survive anymore. I want to lead in my life. I don't want to ping pong ball react Wondering when the other shoe's gonna drop. And I know that you don't either, right? I don't want to just get by trying to blend in with the wallpaper, Hoping that somebody doesn't notice and then blow my world up. , I want to know that I have my back and have already developed all the skills that I need for anything that comes my way from now moving forward.

That's how I want to be. But it took a long time to get here. I would have said, yeah, that's what I want too, you know, back in the day. But when it came down to it, when the push came to shove, it was much easier for me anyway. And I would have to say for most people, we don't want to have to go chance anything, get vulnerable,

, risk discomfort if we can just try to skate by in survival mode. And because we've already been doing that for so long, we know that that's doable, But doable isn't again. It's just not the standard that I want to live by anymore. And I tell you what, it was getting to the point for me that I couldn't anymore.

It wasn't worth it. The misery that I was experiencing and that's what had me in that so long depression is because I would never actually stand up and advocate for myself instead. I would just barely do enough to get by.

 But you keep remembering your history, and even like, maybe it wasn't the time spent with your child wasn't is significant as you would have liked it to be who you are to that child, regardless,  you are their parent.

Nobody else can replace that. and you know how to do it. It's, instinctual But we get so in our heads, about what they've said and also how we think that they might be judging us. So then we second guess and we feel all, and then actually what happens is in a case like Sean's because he's second guessing his ability and his own motives about how he parents and whether it's good enough because of all the scrutiny, his kid now gets this message. That they call the shots. And I'm not saying don't let them have a voice. But also you still are the parent you do, know, at this point, until they're 18, the best thing for them, Or you're always looking for the best thing, more than what they can see.

I see this happening, We cower because we don't want to make too many steps. Like I'm talking about like on your way to reconnection, You don't want to Push them away, right? And I get that, but you cower to them and an alienated child is going to pick that shit up. They're going to understand, any teenager will pick that up and use that to push their narrative and make sure that that happens.

And if that narrative is still all the alienating parents, you're shit out of luck.

also socially, like with approval, I see many people doing this with their kids, needing their, or desperately wanting, craving approval from their, children,

But it will never,ever, ever be enough because even the approval isn't coming in the right way or often enough.

Like you might get approval one second, and I see this happen. I can't tell you how often, in fact it's going on with one of my Clients right now their kids will respond to a text or they'll give them a hug or say that they love them and then it's fine and it feels great in the moment.

But then as soon as you get that and that high is sort of worn off, then you're looking for the next time that they give you approval and then it's the next time and the next time. It's constantly looking outside of yourself for something that really you need to be producing on the inside of yourself.

So once you approve of you, once you can validate you, then the other stuff is sort of like icing on the cake. Sure, it feels good. Everybody loves to have approval, right? Because it goes back to our primal need to be included, to be in the tribe, to be valued and seen and felt like, that you're contributing to your community

but that stuff is extra.And it's actually  when somebody approves of you,your kids, your spouse, your ex,it's never actually really about you, ever.It's not your approval. It's their approval of you. So it's in their possession,

It's because of their thoughts, their feelings. The story that they have going on in their head, it's their approval of you.  Does that make sense? I know I keep saying it over and over, but so often we think if I have their approval, then I will feel better.

I'll feel at peace, and I can go and concentrate on other things, right? Or if I have their approval, I can feel better about who I am and yada, yada, yada. We never really say it out like that, but that's the idea. Right? But once you have their approval, like I said, you're gonna be looking for the next time because it's never gonna feel like enough.

It's always, you're like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, I just need more and more and more. It's like feeding a

a beast, and their approval of you is fleeting. It's fleeting.

 

 you wanna identify and re Replace your catastrophic thinking. from, I can't handle this, to,  I'm gonna find support.  Reframing your, fears, what you're telling yourself that you can't handle or that you're not built for. That it's too much, too taxing. Saying, okay, is this too taxing? Is it taxing at all or is it the way that I'm looking at it?

Not to victim blame, but you know what I'm saying. Maybe there's another perspective I can take. Maybe if I was focusing on my side, this wouldn't be as taxing. What's causing exhaustion right now is this thought that "I keep doing these things and they're not working".

What none of this is about it working or not? Maybe this is just about me building consistency for me, doing what I said that I would do for me as a mom. Because I'm building trust with me. Don't make it about them

 I had this counselor who I spoke with on a weekly basis, she asked me how I felt when blank, blank, blank. I forget what it was. I said, I feel like. Then I told her a story and she said,  okay, that's great. I hear your thoughts, but how do you feel when that happens? 

And then I said, I feel like, and then blah, blah, blah, with a whole nother story. And again, she stopped me and she said,  Hey, wait, I hear you. I hear the story. I hear what you're assuming or what you're presuming about the situation, but how does it make you feel? That story that you just told, how does it make you feel? 

And I was like.  What I'm telling you, clearly, I'm telling you,  and she said,  when you use the statement, I feel like anything that follows that is a judgment or thought, a belief that you have It's not actually a feeling, it's presented as an emotion, but you're tricking yourself and maybe the person in front of you because you're not actually, becoming vulnerable or identifying the emotion .

 And for whatever reason, I just started sobbing. It was like this release, I had never, never in my life what, maybe I feel sad, I'm angry, blah, blah, blah, but I've never otherwise been able to take responsibility for my own emotions, so I just felt like such a release to be like,  oh,  all of that pressure, like I spent my life.

Talking really fast and trying to hurry up and get the information out and assess what was going on and figure everything out so that I could stay out of, stress response. I didn't know it at the time, but it was like I was always trying to control, assess, control, assess.

My life, my environment, my surroundings so that I could maintain some sort of homeostasis, right? Some sort of calmness, it was like this illusion of control, But that labeling that I feel like blah, blah, blah, was really always. Just assuming the roles of other people, what they were thinking about stuff, and it was so exhausting to have to come up with a story about why somebody behaved the way they did when I didn't really have to ever come up with that story.

I don't really need to know why somebody behaves the way they do. What's really important to me is to know why I feel the way I feel, identify the thought that's causing it. My story,  When something happens out there, I tell myself a story and that I feel a certain way. That's it. It's so freeing,  right?

And it helps you to take, helps me to take full ownership of my experience from that point moving forward.  Now, did I take full ownership from that point moving forward? Absolutely not.  But that was the, the foundation. That's what, started laying the groundwork for me to.

begin taking my power back when I realized that like  I feel, and then if I had the like into it, it was gonna be a weak statement  coming up though it was exhausting, always exhausting. And, um, resistant.

 So when I learned I feel like is not actually vulnerability, it's the opposite of vulnerability that when we say I feel like we're playing it safe.

Because we don't have to commit to using other terms like I feel and then giving up an emotion, Or I think, which is a lot stronger and more like concrete.

  when we have ideas in our minds that Nobody understands us. why even bother if I tell them they're gonna judge me or it's going to harm me in some way, then ,  you're choosing this long, dark, lonely road of isolation  

and you are doing it yourself.  I'm not pointing fingers here, just know that me too.  Anybody that does this is choosing that path  and so it's really self-inflicted,

 It's not how you want to be. And it doesn't feel good. We don't even know how your son actually feels. He doesn't even know, probably,  and because you are to lead him, that is your job as a father, minimizing your role based off of what you think he might feel based on what somebody else instilled in him.

Who's leading at that point? You're not owning your, role and that's yours to do. It's like you driving a car, relying on somebody else's hands through somebody else's mind. I don't know, a weird comparison, but that's how weird it is. That is exactly how weird it is to rely on your, kids  your alienated kids, who have been psychologically abused to determine, dictate, tell you what your role is. 

that's not going to get you far. It's actually the most backwards thinking. And I know I've been there, I have all the compassion and empathy and understanding, but it's so  fucking  backwards. This is what our brains do to us. You just got to remember that every conversation you have

when you go. Against yourself in order to accommodate somebody else. Because that's what maybe you were taught as a kid,  

Like" okay, my needs aren't as important.  My job in this world is to provide for them to look outward and that will give me my worth,"  you probably also learned how to self betray. Just like self erasing. These two things go hand in hand.

When you're not providing for yourself and you're willing to betray yourself, you attract people  willing to betray you  because your energies will match up. There's a want match.  You're willing to betray yourself and they're willing to betray you too.

It goes together

  it is parental alien, this whole situation that all of us are going through for however long you have.  It's tragic. It's a tragic experience, but it's not, doesn't need to be your identity, nor does it need to be a life sentence.

It doesn't need to define your life moving forward.

Stop identifying yourself as an alienated parent. Like using that as the excuse to why you can't do certain things,

don't let alienation be your excuse. To hold you back from creating a beautiful life for yourself, because that really, again, is just, perpetuating that hell that you might feel like you're in. 

Because of course, if alienation or being the alienated parent is, the reason you can't do all the things,

you will always feel like your ex has, a magic wand you will always feel like the marionette, and your ex is. Controlling you,

 But we can withdraw socially mentally, from our support network and whoever else that wants to be our support network because we're giving off the vibes that, no thank you. I don't need any help from anybody. I've got this. I notice that I do this still to this day, completely unconsciously, like I was saying with new friends that I make the, the energy that I give off it, how it came up for me is that the people that I had in my life have in my life even they talked a lot about themselves And immediately from the get of our conversations, they wouldn't even ask me how I was doing, but they would go into what was going on in their lives and what, what their problems were and what was going on. You know, all of the, their stuff.

And they really, they felt the connection with me and I can feel the connection with them about them, but I think that I have trained them to not ask about me because when they have asked in the past, I was just like, I'm fine. Everything's fine. How are you? I would immediately turn,  and I have a friend that it actually annoys me , he's always done this for years.

It's my, uh, Dr. Steve, he has done this since the first day we met when my daughter was like an infant, infant, like a month old. Um, I realized one day that he and I were like so close. But I never really knew anything about him except for like some surface stuff about people he dated here and there, but really nothing else because he always avoided, always avoided sharing personal information.

He loved to get information right about me, not because he was using it against me or doing anything wrong with it. He just was comfortable with that side of the conversation. Let's put it all on you. Let's, let's talk about you. Right? And it gave me, at the time, I think it served me well when we were really close because then I was able to talk about all the things that were going on with me.

It was like I had a, a, counselor right there who just listened to all the things that were going on. And he actually does give out some pretty darn good advice too. So if you find yourself in the Dr. Steve role in with all the other people, like I have now noticed that I do, then it might be a way for you to remove yourself and not get vulnerable with The people that you might wanna actually get vulnerable with the people in your life that, you can, express your emotions around and know that, you're safe. 

 

I'm giving you permission if you're not giving it to yourself for you to love life again. It's okay.  In fact, I really hope that you do choose to do that. It's okay. If you don't, and I wouldn't judge yourself or beat yourself up if you're not there yet, but truly, I think that we go through these things so that we can come out the other side, pop up the other side and thrive as a result of it.

Show others the way all of us. it goes back to the deeper well thing. This all happened so that you could find the deeper well for me. I could, tap into the greatness that is me as opposed to the greatness that I was borrowing from all the others

 ever be broken no matter what they do, how deep the Brainwashing or alienation abuse runs, y'all's bond can never be broken,  and that is why the alienator knows that, and that is why their efforts continue is because they know that that is a constant fear for them

I don't know if you've ever asked yourself like, "gosh, why can't they just stop? They've already won. You know how many times I used to ask that to myself? Aren't they satisfied? They've gotten everything that they want, they've taken everything from me.

They have my child, they have my money, stripped me dry. Why do they keep coming at me!?"  This is why they know that y'all's bond is genuine, it's real, it's authentic.  They know that you have the capacity to connect on a level that maybe they can't.

So just know that. That needs to always be in your back pocket, not as a judgment and a better than thing, but just trust in y'all's bond. You are interwoven into the fabric of each one of your children's being.

Not only is your DNA interwoven into each cell inside of them, but also all of that time you spent with them before this all happened. All of those little moments that you share come out in their daily interactions with the world. the way that they stand or put their hand on their hip or. Talk their, their accent or however they carry themselves, facial expressions.

It all shines through, , you can never be removed from your child at a cellular level, it runs deep. So just keep remembering that. Don't tell yourself stories like that. I've lost my child forever that I. Nothing good can come from all of this disaster that we've all been through.

It's not true. It doesn't have to be true

 even though I didn't want to accept the situation as it was,  I also didn't wanna spend the whole time I was with her comparing myself to how she has it when she's with them.  how she's receiving me while we're together.  What is she thinking about me? 

Am I doing it wrong?  Am I blah, blah, blah?  Because all that chatter will get louder the more that you listen to it.  If you're telling yourself you're not enough, and then you go and you meet with them  If they're not responding to you in the right way,  or they take a couple extra seconds to respond to a question that you asked  the entire time you're gonna be up in your head trying to figure out how to get back in the right place with them again.

it's gonna feel very neurotic and, , needy and extra.  And so if you just become sure of who you are to them even when they don't realize it.  you're able to be more present for them,

  engage them in conversations that pique their curiosity about the future they don't know.  Like Sliding Doors.

Remember that movie? It's like the alternate  if we would have gone this way  if we would have gone that way sort of thing.  Just casual conversations.  Don't go straight into y'all because then they're going to always steer away from this kind of talk, but start them off with like  if you're watching some sport,  what do you suppose would have happened if they didn't put that player in? 

And if they put another player in,  how do you think this game would have gone?  things like that.  They're conversation pieces too which'll help you guys to pass the time.  Also, the brain- especially the child brain - doesn't like to resist a question. 

It loves questions like that, open ended questions.   It's a great way to build your relationship with them without them even knowing. They just think they're being asked an irresistible question about football.

 ...confirmation bias . We all do it- to what degree depends. But with the alienation, many times that preset is rooted in negative.  Because we feel like so much negative has been done to us in our situations of alienation & with our relationship with our kiddos we start looking for the negative everywhere . We develop, an idea that everybody treats us terribly, that we're being taken advantage of, that we aren't being heard. you know how that goes. Just depending on what you believe about the alienator.

We sometimes transfer that over to the rest of our life. Not always. But there might be one or two areas outside of alienation that you are carrying on with that theme.  Here's the problem with that. Most people would say, oh yeah, well that's just being smart because we're not gonna be had like we've been had in the past.

So now we're just gonna protect ourselves but living in that causes you to terrorize yourself. It steals your joy. It's a trap.

 Now, here's where that fucks you in the end. You can numb yourself now and it can feel like a relief now.

But when you numb, you end up continuing to tolerate the Current unacceptable status of your life, so you end up prolonging the unacceptable  so not only is it like a time suck, a time waste in the moment because you're just basically avoiding the inevitable, You're also not feeling the pain that you need to feel. 'cause pain is always the motivator for change, right? Discomfort is the currency for any sort of success that you want coming up.

If you remove the discomfort from your life by numbing, then you don't have the opportunity to create the growth, to move, to get out of it, because you're too busy numbing, and then it's tolerable. Then you're like, oh, it's not so bad. This life isn't terrible because at least I can escape it and drink at night.

Great. But then your life is going to continue to stay the same. That's when you, you feel like you wake up and it's Groundhog Day It's like every day is the same shit. Yeah. That's because you've been tolerating by numbing and so you're never experiencing the pain that you actually need to feel that would motivate you to get out of it and grow.

 I choose not tell those stories because they don't need to be important for me.

They don't need to be the markers  like you look back on your life and back on your situation of alienation.  So long as you're not going back to court. Like if you need those things on recall there's a way to do that. I'm not talking about that here,  but look at the timeline of events that you retell yourself  or like the little mile markers if you will, that stick out about  your past, the monumental events that have happened.

 What are those?  Are they stories of defeat and of suffering  or are they stories of growth? overcoming,  mean, it's the easiest thing to do is go,  okay, what am I telling myself about my past right now? 

And the first thing that pops up in your head, go into that story and reconstruct that for yourself. Each one of them,

 Hard truth number five. Entertaining drama is a trap. Any of the drama, I don't care what kind of drama it is, it's a trap and it's a time suck.  Thinking about how evil and calculated they are, how sick and twisted they are, will only keep you sucked into the vortex of negativity.

That's the only notes I wrote for . hard truth number five you embellishing on or not even embellishing and leaning into how terrible and awful and calculated and mean and twisted and sick and demented they are, is only going to cause you to feel those emotions, feeling demented, sick, twisted.

It brings you, bring your own self down with the experience that maybe they created, started,

  I could have been thinking about all the things I couldn't control and that  she might be thinking about me this way and  they're thinking about me in another way,  and they're doing this to fuck with me. and all the things, and Then I can feel completely, like sideswiped, you know? Slighted in every area; coming from a disadvantage and  if I'm thinking that I'm coming from a disadvantage when it comes to mothering my own daughter,  I'm always gonna feel out of control,  always going to feel out of control,  Because I'm coming from a disadvantage. Why? Because they took it from me. Well, I'm constantly thinking that they have taken it from me. Then the only way that I'm gonna be able to gain it back is by them giving it back. And that's not gonna happen. So I have to realize that I have so much more in my control than I'm actually, acknowledging,  

 

 What stories I'm deciding to regurgitate.

so many of us, the reason why we're suffering is because we choose the story that's on repeat in our head,  like, on auto replay For every situation and scenario that comes up in our life, we already have a narrative, easy access, like grabbing eight tracks, old school tapes that our brain will press play for, because  our brain likes to what? Be efficient.  So now it's gonna take effort for you to choose stories on purpose so that you don't suffer as you were.

Like when a stressful event comes up, your brain will go through a cycle of, secreting stress hormones, if you've been through any prolonged period of stress. , you know, like what we're going through, what we've gone through, then your brain has probably gotten your body, your central nervous system has gotten used to secreting that, cocktail

so in order to retrain your central nervous system and your brain, it has to start with your thoughts that your brain has, made habit, every time that you replay an old eight track, you have the option to incorporate your higher thinking, your prefrontal cortex and say,  "wait a second..."

That's what I think confuses so many of us as alienated parents, there's so much context, there's so much history, and so what happens after trauma,  it rewires the way that your brain works. 

 

When, something happens in your day, there's a part of your brain that sort of mail sorts and decides which department is gonna be in charge of handling whatever situation is in front of us.

but if you have been living in a prolonged state of emergency day in, day out, trauma, unhealed trauma, then that part of the brain will start rerouting all of the experiences that happen to the fear centers of your brain, to your amygdala and it's really difficult to take your power back if all of the information is getting sent straight back to 9 1 1 zone, You're thinking everything is a calamity. Either that or everything seems overwhelming and confusing. 

That's because your brain has been rewired to see it that way.  So it's a matter of you learning how to , ask questions that will, awaken your executive functions so that you can get yourself back on track and create a new pathway To start routing information too. So it's not always the overwhelming, confusing, so much is happening. There's so much history. I don't know how to make the right choice because look at everything that they've done we think that we need to take into context and consider , every little detail that has happened up until now. I cannot tell you how many clients I get on the phone with. They'll say to me like,  you need to understand something. 

That's almost always how it's worded. Some version of that

 and then they'll go and explain a bunch of stuff that has happened that has nothing to do with the decision that they need to make today.  but in their minds, it all makes, and I get it because I was there too.

It makes complete sense they need to consider everything that's happened in the past and all the things that, the alienating parent and your child has done in order to make the right, most educated decision  but you don't, That other information most of the time is just. Going to cloud your judgment,

 

 name the actual emotions, because when we sit in, they betrayed me. 

Where's your focus? Your focus is on them and what they did. Now it's always good, especially when we're talking about abuse and mean me abuse, right? to separate what is yours and what is not yours. But we can't just live in that. . . So what am I making the betrayal mean? And then what are the top three emotions that I feel as a result of the story that I have about it?

And then once you determine those, how did those, emotions have you show up in your world or not show up in your world? Sometimes it causes us to freeze up. Like if you're feeling, uh, let's just go with resentful coming from resentment, you might not put yourself out there for other people, like get vulnerable again. You may cut your nose off to spite your face kind of and like not, do what you need to do in order to better you because you're so angry with them. And so then you end up not creating a result that's amazing for yourself.

So if the story that you have about their betrayal of you isn't working, develop a new story, It is really helpful to just narrate the emotions that you feel, and the story that you have.

Oh, I'm feeling betrayed because I expected them to not go to my ex and his wife.

I expected them to stay on my team. I wanted them to support me. I feel hurt because I thought they were here for me. I got vulnerable with them and I really love them, and now I feel violated or whatever. Those kinds of stories, it's good to say those out loud to yourself. Call it out for what it is, and then now that you know what's in your control, then you can move from there and betrayal.

 

It's just not the story you wanna end on or not the state of mind that you wanna end on for anything in your life, don't take responsibility for things that you don't need to take responsibility of, but also you don't need to hold their luggage moving forward either and be constantly thinking about all of their actions, which is theirs to hold.

 Let's say, even if like you haven't spoken to your kid in five years, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to focus on that part. 

I'm not saying to. Uh, distort reality, but honestly, you can feel super close to your child. Like think about, and I use this example a lot, if you've ever had somebody close to you that's passed away. I have a good handful of, friends and family that have,   I still feel, in fact now I feel even closer to some of those people that have passed that I'm not sharing daily experiences with.

I feel closer to them because of the, relationship that I continue to develop with them while they're not even here. I talk to them. I feel the exchange, at least that's the the reality that I create for myself.  Who's to say that you can't do that with your kiddo  just 'cause they have certain thoughts  we don't even know what those are.  Not really my business to think about what my daughter's thoughts are unless she makes them known to me. You know? But  her reality doesn't have to be mine.

And I will always love her no matter how far away she wants to distant from me, she wants to be. If that's the case, still feel close with her to this day because I think loving thoughts that cause me to feel close,  I don't say things to myself Like, my daughter doesn't love me or that I haven't spoken to. Now I understand that there's a, benefit to this, so just know that there's no shade that I'm throwing to anybody that does do this, but those parents out there that say, I haven't spoken to my kid in 125 days, or it's been 600 and something days since I saw hugged my kid.

I don't see a benefit for me to use those facts against myself. Do you hear what I'm saying? You can make facts mean whatever you want. using it maybe to spread awareness. I get it. And that's really who I'm referring to as some of the. Uh, other alienated parents, moms on TikTok and stuff that do keep track count of how many days it's been since they last contact with their kids or, you know, connected with them.

I don't find that beneficial for me, in fact, that to me is focusing on something that causes me to feel much further from my daughter, and I don't want that perspective. That's just not beneficial for me because it doesn't cause me to. carry on with my life in a way that, creates more options and also models to her what a strong, loving, um, fit mother looks like for me.

just recognize what's facts and what you're making those facts mean. And do you like that? Is it serving you and is it serving your message to you and to your kids and to whoever else that you're in contact with, or does it not? That's what I think is so amazing for me about what I've experienced with alienation is I was not living intentionally at all.

I did not. Have purpose other than to parent my child, right? That was always my purpose. But otherwise I didn't know who I was. I was living, coming from trauma all the way up until after all of this happened, when I chose a, a different path for myself, and now I live my life intentionally, With purpose.

Today I really choose the thoughts that I allow into my brain and into my body.

I choose my story on purpose so that it serves me so that I don't feel victimized. Just knowing that there is an option to think about things differently is so amazing it's life changing. so what are you making it mean?

 

Please don't resign your life, your future, to pain, dull pain, or a new normal. If new normal to you sounds awful,please do not accept scraps in your life anymore. If we've gone through this devastation of alienation, in my eyes,at some point, again, you may not be ready for it yet, but in my eyes,

it's more evidence. The universe is showing me that I am supposed to make something fucking amazing out of this.Like something fireworks, explosive, beautiful. This is your opportunity.  

 Lastly, hard truth number six. This hurts my heart to even say this, but it's true. There is no guarantee for any of our future reconciliation or restored relationship contact. And hoping for it.

as a condition for your own happiness, postpones your healing and your ability to find and feel joy indefinitely. 

Do I need to repeat that? Maybe I need to repeat that. There's no guarantee for future reconciliation. Or any sort of restored contact or connection between you and your kid. Right. Hoping for it as a condition for your happiness will postpone your happiness, your ability to create happiness. 

Okay? Accepting this, what I wrote down here is accepting this harsh reality is  not, not the same thing is giving up.  Actually, instead, it's necessary for you to accept this recognize this in order for you to move forward authentically with a productive focus. So along the same lines as hard truth number four, you creating a life that's fulfilling for you and rich, feels rich for you, regardless of eventual outcomes and the hopeful whatever, whatever.

Is imperative in order for you to set yourself free from the jail that you may be feeling like you're living in. Okay?

So I know that these truths are not like, like I said in the beginning, they're not lovely ones,  but if they're there and you're not recognizing them, how I did it for so long, and how many alienated parents that I see that have carried with them the resistance to these truths,

it just makes your life so much more difficult, you know, and I really don't want that for you. I want you to find, , create a sense, cultivate a sense of peace and safety and continuity and,

certainty. Life today and moving forward.  And the way that you can do it is by owning whatever parts of these truths that maybe you've been resisting for thus far, you know? So anyway, that's all I have for you. I hope you guys have a lovely, lovely week, and I'll see you next week. Okay? Ciao.

 Thanks so much for listening today. If you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more, please make. Sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching. Also, for bite-sized clips and tips, be sure to find me on TikTok or Instagram. See you next week.