If I'm not actively parenting my kids right now, then who am I? This is the question that haunts so many alienated parents—the feeling that your identity vanished the moment your role did.  But here's the truth: alienation didn't create that emptiness. It just exposed it. In this episode, I'm walking you through a complete framework for rebuilding your sense of self—not someday, but right now. You'll get a downloadable worksheet, specific action steps, and permission to build a life that actually feels worth living, even while you fight for your children. Because you are not just a parent in waiting. You are a gorgeous and gifted human who’s destined for greatness.  and to fulfill a beautiful future that's still yours to create.

 

Identity Worksheet: ⁠https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/uncovering_identity_after_alienation⁠

 

Episodes About Identity/Role:

1. Your Identity Episode:  ⁠https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog/Episode10⁠ 
2. Have You Abandoned Your True Self? How to Reclaim The Best of You:⁠ https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog/have-you-abandoned-your-true-self-how-to-reclaim-the-best-of-you⁠ 
3. 6 Confronting Truths I Wish I Learned Years Ago for Alienated Parents:⁠ https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog/6-confronting-truths-i-wish-i-learned-years-ago-for-alienated-parents⁠ 
4. Do You Self-Erase? ⁠https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog/do-you-self-erase-as-an-alienated-parent⁠ 
5. What to Say When They Ask About Your Kids (or want to commiserate) ⁠https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEiuIFL_K7w&list=PLGkvTWFhd2CyHVjl9XQx-19_WaH7hurZ2&index=51⁠ 

 

Main Talking Points

 

1. The Identity Crisis of Alienation
• How losing the parenting role strips away routines, purpose, and sense of usefulness overnight
2. Separating Role from Essence
• Distinguishing between what you did as a parent and who you are as a person (your values: nurturer, protector, advocate, organizer)
3. Why You Draw a Blank
• Understanding that childhood trauma/dysfunction often prevented exploring your own identity before kids came along
4. Choosing Identity Pillars
• Selecting 3 areas to explore (creator, healer, advocate, student, athlete, friend, spiritual seeker, etc.) that don't depend on contact with your child
5. The 60-90 Day Project
• Committing to one meaningful, uncomfortable project that forces growth and proves you're more than your grief
6. Expecting the Mental Freakout
• Recognizing objections ("Who do you think you are?") as signs of growth, not reasons to stop
7. Letting New Data Reshape Identity
• How repeated action over time forces your brain to update its story about who you are

 

Key Takeaways

 

• Alienation exposed the identity void—it didn't create it. Most alienated parents never explored who they were outside of parenting because no one gave them space to.
• Your parenting qualities still exist. The traits that made you a devoted parent (resilience, advocacy, loyalty) don't vanish with a court order—they can fuel new purposes.
• Growth must feel uncomfortable. After months/years of paralysis, you don't need more "baby steps"—you need meaningful action that proves you're alive.
• You can love your child AND build your life. These aren't mutually exclusive. Fighting for your kids while thriving yourself is not abandonment.
• Identity shifts through living differently repeatedly. You don't wait to feel different—you act as if you matter, and your nervous system catches up.

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Episode Transcript

  📍 📍 📍 Hey y'all, what's the word, birds. So today we have a slightly different structure, somewhat, um, than you might be used to, but if you're new here, I just wanna take a moment and introduce myself.

My name is Shelby and I'm an alienated mom, and I'm a coach as well for other alienated and estranged parents who wanna build a life that actually feels like it's worth living, right? Even in the middle of this grief, in the middle of the mess of living, apart from your children. , Today we're gonna be helping you to find the answer to a question that I hear so often.

And in fact, it was a big thing for me to, for a long time, really for my whole life, but I didn't know it was a thing until I knew it was a thing, and that was after alienation. So, if you haven't already read the title, it's if I'm not actively parenting, then who am I? What? Like what is my purpose?

What do I want? What are my likes, my dislikes, all the things, you know? So, , that's what we're gonna talk about. I hear this so often. In fact, there are two, three of my current clients, um, working through this very thing right now. And that's what actually had me decide to. Do this episode is because today I'm gonna walk you through one of, uh, probably it's one part I should say, of a multi-tiered or faceted, approach basically to your identity.

Okay? In my programs, like in my one-on-one client programs, we visit, uh, this in full by going back to your beliefs about who you are, um, what you think your able to accomplish, how the world behaves for you, how you behave in the world, all that sort of stuff. But for right now, and I have many episodes that actually address what I just described there, and I've done many identity episodes which I will link below. But today what I really, really wanna, flesh out with you is determining what that is, not just dealing with the lost part of it, which we've addressed before many times, but like, let's get down very specific about finding out who you want to be moving forward.

If you don't already know. But if you already know, then chances are you wouldn't have already clicked on this episode. But anyway, um, so I'm gonna go ahead and read my little spiel here and then we'll keep going. Okay? So for many of us, for so many of us, alienation didn't just take away time with our kids, It ripped away our routines or so it felt like our roles, our sense of usefulness overnight, the thing that we organized our entire life around poof is going and we're left with this echoing emptiness where our identity used to be. So if that's where you're living right now, I want you to know first that you are not crazy for feeling like you don't know who you are anymore.

It's a completely sane response to a massive living loss, current loss anyway. I never wanna say that it's a forever loss, right? It's a living loss. It's current. It is acute, likely for a lot of you, meaning it's in the first year just as intense. And when we're going through an ambiguous loss like this, it can complicate things like literally, it's considered complicated grief, right?

Or prolonged grief disorder

Today I don't want you for us to just stick in the pain. I wanna walk us through the second part of that question, right? So if I'm not fulfilling the traditional role of parent right now, who else might I get to be?

That's the part I wanna focus on. So we're gonna spend just a couple of minutes naming the loss. So that you, if you're a brand new listener, you could feel seen heard, understood. Um, and then we're gonna , get down to business. I'm gonna walk you through a pathway for rebuilding your sense of self.

And I've created a worksheet. So, let me just tell you right now, if you wanna download the worksheet that pairs with this episode, it's, you wanna go to beyond the high road.com/slash slash uncovering identity after alienation, the spaces have underscores, and then there'll be a link below.

You can either print it out okay and fill it in, or you can use a, your device to just log it or get a notebook. Or if you don't wanna get the worksheet and it's just too much, you're busy right now,

if you wanna get the most out of this episode, you can come back and, you know, re-listen to it and have either a notebook or a device with a notes app available for you to log your answers, because I tell you the difference in results and clarity, mental clarity that you will get, especially when it comes to this episode, you guys, because this episode is like a mini course, okay?

It's gonna give you all the direction you need to get started. trying to log that all up in your head. It sounds like a novel idea. And listen, I was a, in the service industry for a long time, you know, a hospitality service. , I was a bartender and a server, and I would take people's orders.

I mean, a 12 top of 20 top didn't matter. And I would just remember everybody's orders. I'm the type that'd be like, I don't need a notebook. I'm fine. I can just figure it all out in my head. I'm telling you the differences night and day, especially when it comes to your own healing. Because when I started doing that and actually writing it down, as opposed to saying I was writing it down, when it came to like me working with my coach, the results were not even comparable.

Okay? That's my, that's my little sell to you, that the worksheets are writing it down somewhere is gonna help you more than just logging in your brain. Okay? But anyway, no matter what you do, anything's better than not. This is a chance for you guys to start doing action. Action as opposed to just listening to,

Understanding Identity Loss When You Can't Actively Parent Your Child

  📍 📍 📍 alright. So, like I said, and the, link is in the show notes. Um, and Let's do this. So before all of this, before the court orders, before the blocked phone, maybe before the silence being a parent showed up in your life, probably I'm assuming, in really concrete ways. 

For the most of you anyway, there are some, special considerations or whatever, but let's just leave it at that for right now. ,  Maybe your mornings were. Filled with packing lunches, signing permission slips,

coordinating rides to and from school, even handoffs, if that's what was going on. Maybe your afternoons were homework battles, grocery runs, practices, rehearsals, what have you. maybe your nights were late night talks, checking grades,  for me, it was drawing on my daughter's sandwich bags or drawing on her, like monthly homework sheets,  You had a role, You had a rhythm. You knew where you fit. And then That role got ripped away. You didn't just lose tasks, you lost a part of yourself.

It's completely understandable if it feels like you lost the version of you who had purpose, the version of you who was needed,

the version of you who knew what the next right thing to do was each and every day. Each and every step. You knew what was coming next. You knew what you were gonna do next. I mean, life always being surprises, but with our kids around playing a traditional role as parent, there was a schedule to keep,

Your, mind was occupied, your days were full maybe sometimes even two full. But the chaos of that felt good, felt normal, so, if your brain says to you, if I'm not packing lunches and doing drop offs, tucking anyone in 

who even am I?

  📍 That's not weakness, that's grief, and that's shock. That is your history showing up in your brain's expectations

that have been encoded over the years time.   📍 Now, though this is the pivot, is the same question that this whole episode is posing can actually become your invitation,

if I'm not fulfilling the traditional role of a parent right now, this is the part I wanna focus on. Who else might I get to be? 

Separating What You Did From Who You Are as a Parent

📍 📍 📍 So right, we're at segment two right now, and segment two is actually step one for you. Most of us were never taught that our roles and our essence, our spirit, are different things entirely, We learn to answer. Who are you with?

I'm a mom, I'm a dad, I'm a teacher. I'm a nurse, I'm a doctor, I'm a librarian, what have you. You know, so when the role gets ripped away, it feels like we got taken away with it, right? Like our whole soul spirit, everything was taken away with it. I mean, I know if I'm

being completely honest with myself, which I always try to be, but it took a long time for me to admit that  being a mom gave me something to live for, right? My daughter became my purpose, which I think is both beautiful and also slightly dysfunctional. You know, because then I looked to her to determine where I went, what I was worth, if I was worth what I did, how I felt.

It all was sort of wrapped up in my daughter, and that is fine and great and many moms and dads feel like that, that aren't going through alienation.  And are, you know, many people sort of look to their kids, kids change their lives, you know? And I like, again, I think that's a beautiful thing, but  I didn't know who I was before that.

So she was really what changed everything and gave me something to look forward to, something to wake up for in the morning, something to go to sleep on time at night for all the things right. Without her, there was no structure for me.  And I know a lot of parents out there that are listening to this also feel the same or experience the same, right?

But it doesn't have to be. You could have been very, , focused and motivated in other areas of your life. Um, and still have this question. So, um, I just wanted to share a little bit of like,  I just knocked my water over. Of course I did right now. Oh shit.  So you don't have to share my,, my experience, but, um, I know a lot of you guys also feel the same, I mean, our kids gave us purpose and I think many, most parents on the face of this earth feel the same.

having kids just changes your life in all the areas, right? Your priorities shift,  but also I think it particularly hits us as alienated parents when it's stripped away from us, involuntarily. Um, so there's that. If you're feeling particularly lost right now, my bet is that you did not have not explored who you are outside of being a parent.

Probably for a couple reasons. And one of those, I will tell you, for me, one of those is because I was resisting the idea of not playing the traditional role as parent. I was resisting and fighting and, and not wanting to succumb to this, I hate this term, but new normal or this new reality. Because if I explored other areas of my life and that meant that I was closing the book or accepting the current circumstances with my daughter and I didn't wanna do that, that made me fucking flat out pissed off, you know?

But I also know It made me suffer for an unnecessarily long period of time until I finally did stop the resistance and chose me while I was fighting for my child, you know, which I still will always do no matter how old she is. 

 

Right now I wanna sort of untangle the, you as a parent, you as a teacher, you as whatever role you say that you are, like if somebody asks you who you are and you go into, I'm a mom, I'm a dad, I'm a banker, that's how you describe yourself.

I wanna untangle that for us today. Okay? For you. So if you have the worksheet in front of you, if you've downloaded it, this is part one and part two of the worksheet. If you don't, you can just grab a notebook or use your notes, app, whatever, I want you to take a second and think about

what being a parent used to look like for you, say to yourself or better write down.

  📍 I used to, and I'm gonna give you some examples. I used to make breakfast. I used to drive to practice, supervise homework, right? I used to keep the family calendar. I used to plan every holiday. I used to go to every game and every performance, like whatever comes to your mind, like the things that you're missing.

I used to, and now I don't. Give me the, I used to the things that you really wish were still happening in your life as it relates to being a parent. And some more examples are, I used to enforce bedtimes and screen limits,

I used to kiss my kids on their forehead every single night. No matter how old they were. Um, you used to maybe be married, you used to manage the bills in order to keep the lights on, you used to advocate with teachers, with therapists, with doctors, what have you, right? So those are just some examples.

What is it that you used to do fill the rest of that sentence out..  you wanna get a few of those in front of you. We're gonna ask a different question to pair with that. And so the next part of that question is,   📍 📍 what does the, "I used to" your statement say about the kind of person that you are. 

For example, if your role was,   📍 📍 📍 📍 I made breakfast, drove to practice supervised homework. What this says about you and your essence, your spirit, your values is that you just, , i am nurturing, I am persistent. I am deeply loyal and I'm a fierce advocate. 

Okay. That's one example. The next example I have is  📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 I used to keep the family calendar and planned every holiday. In essence, what you're saying about you is, I'm a visionary, I'm an organizer, I'm a meaning maker, a tradition builder. This could be it. You could think of a lot of things that go into there.

You um, organizer is a big one there though.   📍 📍 📍 Okay. Another example is I used to enforce bedtimes and limits on screens, right? Not everybody's gonna choose this if you're romanticizing, but get down to the nitty gritty of what it is that you used to do, what your role was on a daily basis,

the what provided structure for you as a mom or dad, okay? Um, so.   📍 I enforce bedtimes and screen limits. in essence, what I think that that shows is that you're a protector, a boundary setter, someone who cares enough to say no when it matters. Okay?  I want you guys, it's really important to look at this because in your role, the things that you chose to do when you were actively co-parenting with your ex and at that time wasn't your ex, you all chose tasks, things to do that really fit who you are, but we never really think about it like that.

What were the things that were really important to you?  I have a funny picture in my mind right now, and one of the things that I really cared about was bedtime, because I, well was bedtime and also her pooping schedule. Both of those things were extremely important to me, but I know that both of those things I really cared.

The reason I wanted her to go to bed. On time and also take naps for as long as she could until she was like seven. Really. I would make her take a nap if she really needed to, is because, well one, I really cared about her mental health and also her physical health. And I really hated to see her suffer by being tired also because the switching over back and forth to houses, I know it took a toll on her.

I really cared about her experience, always did. And then with the poop schedule, I just always wanted her to not be uncomfortable and stocked up, you know? But I was a fierce, like lover, caretaker, and I wanted the best for her, you know? And it came out in, in the, her schedule. I didn't care so much about my schedule with ever all the things, but I really, really wanted to show her good habits and all the things.

Okay, so that's another example. I didn't write it down. Um,   📍 📍 📍 📍 another example is. I went to every game, performance and appointment, what have you. what that can show for you in your essence is that you are reliable, Present, attentive. You honor the people that you love with your time. 

I could think of a bunch of different meanings there, but this is just what I came up with. Um,   📍 📍 📍 📍 another example here is maybe you researched schools, supports, specialists, whatever it is. Maybe your child went through a period of time where there was some, uh, some health concerns, right?

And so maybe your side job you purposed yourself to making sure he or she had the best. Care, right? The best doctors, the best protocol plan, you know, all that homeopaths, whatever it was. So in essence, what that can mean about you, what I think that that could say about you is that you're resourceful, you're proactive and committed to growth and justice.  📍 📍 📍

📍 Last example I have here is that, like, let's say that you advocated in court you wrote declarations, refused to disappear, what have you.

It shows that you are resilient, that you are courageous. That you are persistent unwilling to abandon the people that you love. 

So those qualities don't vanish. With the court order or with whatever happened with the alienating parent.

They didn't evaporate when your kid stopped picking up the phone either.  They are still you. Those qualities are still there if you want them to be. And you can also pick new ones that you wanna lean into.  You know what? Your history doesn't need to, you've heard me say this a million times.

Whatever's happened in your past doesn't need to determine your today and your future, right? But it's a great, this is a great start for determining where your values sit, you know what's already inside of you and where you wanna head with that. Okay? So, um, if you're using the worksheet, this is where you want to fill out, a few pairs, right?

So this is where you, I used to, and then you wanna fill in the essence part. This means I am someone who, and look and see what you value within. The role that you used to play the tasks that you used to perform on a daily basis. Okay, so what I wanna encourage you guys to do right now is to   📍 📍 hit pause. If you are doing the worksheet, take some time to fill this out.

Okay. Five minutes, whatever it is. Do at least three of those, right? I used to, and in essence, this means I am or I value. However you wanna say that and fill that out.   📍  Do not skip this step, is what I'm trying to say here. This is the foundation for everything else that I'm gonna talk with you guys about.

 

 

Why You Feel Lost: The Blank Slate After Alienation

📍 📍 📍 📍 All right, so now we're at segment three. And I've titled it Why You Draw a blank and Why That makes sense. , for a lot of you, this is where your mind is gonna go, totally blank. If I say, outside of parenting, who are you? What do you want? What do you like?

What are you good at? You might feel nothing but panic and or confusion, and it makes so much sense. Maybe you grew up in chaos or dysfunction where your job was to survive. Maybe it wasn't thought of like that, but your job was to survive, to keep the peace, to be the good kid, to make yourself small, or to parent your own parents, parent your other siblings, maybe you just kept doing the next right thing. You did well in school. Maybe you picked a major, got accepted into a program, right? In college or after college you get the job.

You got married, you had kids. You, no one stopped and said to you,  hey, what do you actually want? Who are you when you're not performing your caretaking? So it makes sense. In fact, one of the moms  I told you I have three clients currently that is going through this and it's just like,  I don't know what I want.

I have no clue. And it's to the point where for her it feels exhausting to think about it.  Well it did. Until we had started exploring this, it felt exhausting for her. Like I really, truly, I have no clue. She just drew a blank. It was just all gray.  And I a hundred percent get her for me. And if you've been listening for a long time, you've heard me talk about that.

I never dreamed as a kid, I didn't even know that that was I, people, that whenever the people would talk about dreams or, goals, big goals for how they were gonna live their life, I thought, that's just crazy. That's a waste of time. Like, it didn't make sense to me because I was not taught that growing up, you know?

And so it could be that the same things has going on for you. The chances are the same thing is going on for you.  So of course, when your parenting role gets ripped away, you draw a blank that makes sense. And that blank doesn't mean that there's nothing there.

That blank likely means that nobody ever gave you the space or provided the safety for you to explore it. So if you're following along in a worksheet, this is part three, and   📍 📍 📍 you'll see sentence starters. Like, growing up I learned that my job was to blank. Um, , Another part of it, it says, nobody ever asked me blank.

Right?, When I tried to want for something for myself, the message I got was blank. And that's where you fill it in, right? And the last one is, today when I asked myself, what do I want? My mind says, what? You know, fill in the rest.

If you need to, if you're not using the worksheet, you can pause or re go back a little bit and write those questions down and fill out the rest of them. So I'm gonna go through it again. It's growing up, I learned that my job was to what? Blank. Fill that in. Second question is, nobody ever asked me blank fill the rest of it in.

When I tried to want something for myself, the message I got was what? Okay? And the last question there is today, when I ask myself, what do I want? My mind says, what? Blank there. Okay?  I want you to know that you do not have to have profound answers here. You can literally write, I don't know, or nothing, or it's feels stupid to even ask, it's too late in the game.

Whatever you write, that's data and we can use that data. Okay, so I wanna point something out here that I think is really important, though it may sound a little harsh, but I promise that if you accept this, what I'm getting ready to tell you, it will set you free, ultimately empowering you and your future.

  📍 Your alienation, your situation of alienation did not create that blank. It did not create this emptiness of, I don't know who I am anymore.

  📍 Okay? It just exposed it.  For me. Like I was kind of mentioning a little while ago that like. W after Alien.   📍 I've mentioned it many times throughout these episodes.

After alienation happened, I was like, who am I? Because all I know   📍 myself to be as a mom, I'm a mom. Everything is for my daughter. Everything I do,  I live and breathe and eat and sleep and everything. Mothering my daughter, she was my everything. You know? And so like I also mentioned early in the beginning, although a very beautiful cause, it was also dysfunctional because then so much pressure on my daughter, even if it was only inside of me.

What I'm let putting everything on her for her to determine who I am and how well I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and all the things, So when alienation happened and my daughter went away, the blank that was there from before. Just  re-exposed itself. Resurfaced. Yeah. So it could be the same thing with you. 

Like if you did not ever explore this for yourself and once your kids came, that was like, oh, goodie, I have, I feel purpose, I feel alive, I feel useful, uh, needed necessary, then it will be really,  really helpful for you to, number one, acknowledge it. And it's okay, no matter how old you are. Look, I'm almost 51 years old and it took me up until, uh, 45, 46 to even come close to accepting this for myself.

And it still took some time after that for me to finally get there. no matter how, I don't care if you're 60, if you're 70, it's never too late. In fact, whenever is better than not at all.  so alienation, this whole thing just exposed the emptiness that you might feel right now

so, and that means you guys, that as brutal as this season is, it's also your first real invitation to get curious about you. Okay? This is your time. Just got that. The flashback of Goonies right now.

  📍 📍 It's our time. down here. It's our time. Okay. Anyway, 

Choosing Your Identity Pillars: Life Beyond Parenting

📍 📍 📍 alright, so now we're at section four, what I've titled this as is choosing your identity pillars instead of finding your one big purpose.

Okay. Finding your one big purpose is, first off, if you've listened before, you know that I'm not big on that because  I don't believe that we have all just have one purpose.

I feel like that that would be unfulfilling and weird and also pressury, and it's just, it's not realistic. I feel like we have many, many, many, many purposes, and it really is, just depends on what you, it's not like finding the gift, your secret gift. Like you have to find a key to unlock, to know what your special gift is.

You have lots of them and you get to decide what you wanna lean into. Okay? So a lot of people get stuck here because they think that they have to magically discover just what I said, one giant capital P for purpose, before you're allowed to move,

instead,   📍 📍 I want you to choose a few identity pillars just to start with for today,  Areas of your life that could hold, parts of who you are becoming or who you already are that you wanna further develop.   📍 📍 📍 So examples of this, just a few examples is,

creator. We are all creators. In fact, I believe that every example that I put here, we all have some part whether you develop it further or not, it's whatever. But we all have each part of this in us. So creator is one of 'em.

Healer or helper, you could call it leader is another one. Student or learner. There's a caveat to that one. Um, but we all have it in US Advocate, artist or maker of sort, entrepreneur. Athlete or mover. What I mean by mover is just a moving your body. You are moving in one way or another. Some people don't wanna categorize themselves as athletes, , right? I am not necessarily a competing athlete, but I am definitely a mover That is part of who I am. I enjoy it. I like love it. I like to go running at the hottest time of the day. It's just, I love it. I get energy from that. , Maybe you don't do that, but you know what I'm saying.

, Friend connector is another one, right? Either that you like to make the connections and connect to other people, or you just really love being a great friend and supporter. a spiritual seeker, guru. Even if you wanna name yourself that it's fine. You are what you say you are. Um, organizer or planner.

And then I have teacher or guide. ,  I'm sure that there are other, pillars whatever comes for you that feels right for you, write it down.   📍 📍 📍 Notice though, and all the examples that I've given here, none of these depend on you currently having contact with your child, being in contact with your child, not one of 'em.

So   📍 📍 if you're using your worksheet, this is part four, I want you to go through, if you've got the worksheet in front of you, and circle anything that feels even slightly true or intriguing on the examples that I gave, gave you, or if you're listening, just listening and then just write down three, three of them  I wanna stress that you're not. Promising or devoting yourself to one specific thing or anything at all, really even you're just noticing where your energy sort of , sparks, spikes even a tiny bit. When you say those words out loud to yourself, right? Then, like I said, circle or pick three and write them down.  📍 📍

So pillar one, pillar two, pillar three. You could choose many more, but for right now, I want you to stay, um, focused, constrained, okay? Under each pillar, you wanna give yourself one or two pieces of evidence. And what I mean by evidence, and I explained this in the worksheet, but you wanna, um. Well, I'm gonna expl, I'm gonna give you some examples here.

So, and I'll explain what ev what I mean by evidence. Evidence doesn't need to mean that like you've done it in the past so you could do it today. You know that that's all one of the staples of what I talk about. And I already mentioned it, you don't have to have evidence in your past that you're good at something.

You could just be interested, intrigued by it, and then go explore it. And that's actually what I really encourage you to do. Don't base it on what you've already done. Always. You know, pick one or two of those pillars. Make it be something maybe a little bit more unfamiliar. But anyway, so give yourself one or two pieces of evidence and I'm gonna show you what that looks like.  

So if you chose advocate, you write, maybe it's something like, I can't shut up without injustice. I can't stop talking about it. Right? Or I always end up being the one who researches and explains things to people like you, like to help people. Hello, that's me for sure. Um, by doing all the work and then presenting it, right?

Maybe that's you. So that could fit into a lot of different categories. But one of those is advocate could also be a leader, a creator, teacher, what have you. You know, but maybe you chose creator, And so for that, the example I have here is I'm always making playlists, decorating and tweaking things to make them beautiful, So that's why creator artist could be that for you. That's what that translates over to, maybe you chose student, for that one, you might write I'm constantly watching trainings, reading and learning about trauma, law, psychology, whatever it is for you,

 I will say that with student, I want.

I, I would just encourage you to also lean in. Don't just choose students. Like I said, I want you to do three pillars, but really, if you have been in a state of passive action or inaction, uh, freeze if you will, over an extended period of time. I think choosing students or learner is a really overly safe choice option because it's a lot of passive action listening to the podcast, um, even reading,

watching videos, whatever it is, it's all of that is consuming, which is really passive. You're learning, which is we all need that, right? I love doing that and I do that all day long, all the time, you know, when I'm not with my clients, but it can't be the only thing that you're doing.

You need to be taking massive action, especially coming from what we have, because the likelihood, I don't know, I mean fill it in for you, but like the likelihood is that you haven't been taking enough action and that's why we're in the spot, or you're in the spot now where you don't know who you are anymore or what makes you happy.

Okay, so yeah, that so student, just a make sure that you're also leaning into some other things. Okay.  What I want you, and I kind of said this a minute ago to remember, is that you're not making a forever decision here. And locking in your future in some way.

You're circling places and you're identifying places where your spirit has already been peeking through or wants to peek through,

in other example, sorry, I didn't say, is that if you turn everything into a ritual or a joke creator or artist or connector might be in there too. You know, if you've always researched school support specialists, advocate or healer might be in there for you.

 

Taking Action: Your 60-90 Day Identity Project

So now we're at section five,  you wanna commit to one meaningful, uncomfortable project.

This is where we get into your massive action into the doing  part. now we get into the part that you might not have experienced in a really long time. This is real. Action after months or years.  I forgot that I wrote this and I just kind of explained it a second ago.  After months or years of shutdown and paralysis, you do not need likely anyway, another year of microscopic, invisible steps. 

Yes, we respect you. Me and you are respecting your nervous system. No, we are not gonna baby you forever,  Growth is supposed to feel uncomfortable. You're gonna feel discomfort with this,

This is not a sign that you're doing it wrong. Okay. This is proof that you're stepping out of the coffin that alienation tried to put you in.

You're stepping out of the gray doldrums of inaction that you likely fell into after alienation happened.

So here's what you're gonna do   📍 📍 from your three identity pillars. You wanna choose one to experiment with for the next 60 to 90 days,  okay?  Just one. And yes, 60 to 90 days. I don't care what happens in the middle.

You wanna commit to that timeframe. You want it to be a season, so that you give it a fair chance and you're able to explore you and how you fit into that. World, the new that that pillar. Okay,  so if you're on the worksheet, this is part five, you'll see   📍 📍 the pillar I'm choosing for the next 60 to 90 days is blank.

 That's where you're at on the worksheet. Then you're gonna design   📍 📍 a real world, project within that pillar. I don't want you to come up with some vague idea, right? Not, I'll try to be more creative.

It's a real project, Something that   📍 will actually, when you're done, exist out there in reality. So let me give you some examples. If you choose creator, let's say you could start a simple blog or a substack. And commit to 10 posts. This is, these are just examples you make 'em your own, or you could record a six episode mini podcast, On anything that you care about, anything at all. make a small art series, 10 drawings, 10 photos, 10 songs, whatever it is, do a series of something. I like series, because then you, it gives you the opportunity to sort of explore all the areas in it anyway.

, If you choose student enroll in a class, online or in person with a start,, clear start and end date, And complete it. Work toward a certification you've secretly wanted forever, or you've thought that it was so cool that somebody else had, you know, many of us didn't allow ourselves to want things.

Because of whatever dysfunctional relationship we were in or from childhood, we just learned to stay realistic and not want for things that seemed, um, out of doability, right out of your, zone, But really right now, if you need to and you can't come up with anything, look at maybe something that you've admired in somebody else.

You could do that. That's what I've used that for myself at times. Like, who do I admire and what is it about them that I admire? What do I really love and wish that I could do for myself? But I don't really let myself go there. What is that? You know? So, um, work toward a CER certification you've secretly wanted or , join a book club And commit to showing up and sharing. Reading and showing up and sharing, if you choose advocate, volunteer for a set number of hours with a cause, or for a cause that matters to you.

Start or co-facilitate a support group. Write. Another example is write and submit three op-eds or blog posts on an issue you care about. If you chose healer Helper, Begin training in a modality that helped you, Coaching program, peer support, whatever it is. If you've found something that really worked for you then see how maybe that you could go get certified for that.

Or educated in it so that you can also help people to do the same. Something that you're passionate about is always, of course, the way to go offer to run one workshop. Just one. or do a talk in a community that you're a part of. Start a weekly check-in circle with other alienated parents, if you chose spiritual seeker, commit to attending a specific group or practice for a set number of weeks. Start a daily or weekly practice like spiritual practice that you track and then you reflect on, there are apps to do this too, but really become committed to whatever that is for you.

What, whatever interests you. Figure out a way to employ yourself in that pillar, if that makes sense. Join a retreat or group study that you've been avoiding maybe outta fear of fitting in or them asking you questions that seem too personal right now about your kids or whatever. , Do it anyway.

And if you're really feeling nervous about it, I have an episode for you. What to say, when they ask about your kids. I can link that in the show notes too.   📍 📍 The rule is the project must feel a little too big, at least, if not like, extra big. I want it to feel big for the version of you who's been frozen and on the couch, okay?

And exactly right on point for the version of you that's trying to be born or reborn or however, get be developed. Okay, so a little big or a lot big for the frozen version of you and exactly right, or even a little bit scary for the version of you that's trying to be born or reborn.

Okay? 

Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt When Rebuilding Your Life 📍 📍 📍

Part six, ,   📍 📍 expect the freak out and then keep moving Now, , the moment that you commit, you guys, you just bank on it, that your brain is going to throw a fucking tantrum, it's gonna go ape shit on you. You're going to hear things like,   📍 who do 📍 you think you are?   📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 You're too broken to start anything.

You don't know what you're talking about. 📍 You're abandoning your 📍 child. If you focus 📍 on this, 📍 you'll never finish. 📍 Why bother?  I can remember I said this exact thing when I was going to do, I was a figure. Competitor, you know, um, bodybuilding a while back. And I remember always wanting to do it my whole life,  not my whole life, but my entire adult life.

And after I had my daughter, I was still with my daughter's father. I was like, I want to be a figure competitor. And I, he told me my daughter's father, no shade, but that's what he said. I can remember exactly where we were. He was like, you'll never do that. You never finish anything. And, at the time I was like, Ew.

And then I was like,  oh, he's right. And so when we split up, that was one of the first things that I tasked myself to do. My daughter was really young. She was still a toddler, she was two. And I trained and, and did it. And it was so great to prove myself. Wrong. I didn't care about him at that time. Truly did not even, I'm like, whatever.

But I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. 'cause I really believed him.  I really, that's what probably was my theme my whole life. You never finish anything. Why would, why even bother? You know?   📍 📍 Don't listen to that voice.  Okay? Or you can listen to it. 'cause I think it's fine. It's like acknowledge it, but then keep going.

It's not fact. Okay? Don't believe the things that your brain offers to you. Always. Okay?  Another thing that your brain might say is people will laugh at you. People will judge you. What will they say is another way that that comes up, right? Or this is pointless if your kid isn't here to see it, or if so-and-so isn't here to see it, whatever it is,  I want you to assume that that mental freakout is coming.

It's a'comin', you guys, it will come. All the objections will come out to play. It's not a sign that you should stop though. It's a sign that you finally stepped beyond, or you're stepping beyond your old identity.  That's what I want you to keep reminding yourself.  Oh, this fear is just a sign. This is unchartered territory, and this, this means always uncharted territory.

And uneasiness means that you're growing you. This is your, you are at the threshold of something new, which is amazing, and that's exactly what we need. You know, you're now gonna learn something new about yourself, whether you, whatever you do with it afterwards, fine. But you will know by the end of this.

You follow this for 60, 90 days, and I know that's a period, but I want you guys to give yourselves a chance. But you follow this and you will have learned many, not just one new thing about you, whether you like or dislike, whatever the pillar is, like the what you purposed yourself to do for this time, you will have found out so much more about yourself. 

, Well, I'm gonna talk about this in a minute.  on the worksheet, in part six, there's a special, there's a space   📍 📍 to write down the thoughts that you expect to hear this, your objections, right? And then one sentence that you'll use to answer them. So it might sound like, you know I already gave you the examples of the objections that'll come up for you.

Like, um, who do you think you are? Your  response here will be, could look something like, this is my old survival self it's trying to keep me small and safe. Okay?  I'm allowed, I am telling myself, I'm giving myself permission to build a life and still love and fight for my child.

All of that can coexist. Okay. Or it could be, I can be 95% terrified, mostly terrified, right? And 5% willing only 5% willing and still take action. Even if I'm full chock full of terror, panic, freaking out, uncertainty. But if I have that 5% willing, then that means I can move. So when those thoughts show up for you, you wanna name it.

. So this is my survival self, my old survival self telling me that, um, trying to keep me small and safe, right? And then you wanna anchor back to your essence whatever it is that you wrote from above, in step one. Step two actually.

Pick, from those. I'm resilient, I'm creative, I've devoted   📍 📍 is what I've got here. Then you take the next visible step. Anyway. Fear. No fear, I don't care what's going on for you. Keep taking steps,

it's almost like the toddler, the screaming toddler in a room. You  wanna love on them, acknowledge them, and then keep moving, so send the email, click enroll. Show up to week one, publish the first thing. Whatever it is, do it.

Reshaping Your Self-Concept Through New Actions

 

  📍 📍 Now where it's part seven,

let the new data reshape your self concept. I'm gonna state the obvious here.  Identity doesn't shift because you thought a new thought once. Identity shifts because you live differently over and over and your brain will have no choice but to update the story to match whatever it is that you keep doing. 

That's just the way that our human brain works. So your  identity will shift so long as you change your actions and you do those on a repeated basis like sticking with the new actions, right? When you show up week four of the class when you hit publish on episode six, when you sit in a circle that you create and realize people are looking to you now.

If you're using the worksheet. Part seven asks you right now to time, travel 90 days into the future and pre-write that story.

Do not skip the step you guys. And so the prompt is,   📍 📍 📍 in the last three months, I proved that I'm someone who, and you fill in the rest, right? I surprised myself when I, and then you fill in the rest, even in this season of alienation, estrangement, whatever's going on for you, I am now a person who blank, right? 

And then my favorite part,   📍 📍 you give this version of you a nickname, this is, you do with that as you will. And my examples here are the Fierce Advocate is one of 'em. The Rising Artist is another one. The Unstoppable student. Like I said though, don't only be the student. the Bold Builder is one that just came to my mind right now.

Just depends on what you want to do. Okay. Whatever makes you smile or causes you to feel a little spark in your chest and in your belly, that something that feels good for you. Even if you only hold that in for yourself, like that nickname, you really wanna look at that as to where you're headed, who you already are,  you wanna consider how you're developing that. You don't have to feel like that person yet. I should have just stayed to my script. You don't have to feel like that person yet. You do not have to, you are naming where you are headed. Okay. Really helpful, really important. It's also fun. Um, suddenly I'm

nothing without my kids has to compete with, I'm the person who finished that program. I'm the person who kept my word for 90 days, and I'm the person other people are now coming to for support or inspiration. Okay? That is how you become someone you recognize, again, not by wanting to feel or waiting to feel different, but by acting as if you matter, and then letting your nervous system catch up.

Closing: You Are SO MUCH MORE Than a Parent Experiencing Alienation

So I wanna leave you guys with this.  You have not stopped being a parent. I don't care how long it's been since you've spoken with your kids, you've not, you are a parent experiencing a season  notice too, that I did not include an adjective before the word season there, because I wanna leave that open for you to determine for yourself for interpretation, 

I do know though, that it feels like your love, your parental love has been sort of forced into the margins for your kiddos,  But you are also more than a, a parent. You are so much more than a parent. And that's why I think it's really helpful to start exploring that too. If you feel like you've been marginalized, you are a human being with a nervous system, a story, a set of gifts,

and whether you believe it now or not, a big, bright, beautiful future.

 

 You don't have to know exactly who you are to start moving, 

, You just have to be willing to stop letting alienation decide that you are nobody. 

If you want. Of course, you know, as I've been saying throughout this, if you want support walking all this out, like getting all this out, figuring this out, , grab the link for the worksheet below in the show notes. Or in the description if you're watching on YouTube. Commit the 20 minutes or whatever it might take for you to fill this in and hang it up somewhere so that you are, it's basically the way that I have the, the goal section done towards the bottom is you're setting it up like a smart goal. And so you have to fill in a, a start date and an end date, and you wanna commit to yourself in finding out other facets of you, right?

Really leaning into the other parts of you so that you start feeling necessary, wanted, needed, important, like an authority in other areas of your life, beyond being parent. also, if you found this helpful or any of the episodes helpful, as always. Please if, you know, I know that most of us don't always, um, socialize together, alienated parents, but some of us do. And I know that you guys are in some of those groups. So if you find this or any of the other episodes helpful for you, please share it with another alienated or strange parents who, you think might need it.

I would really appreciate it and hopefully they do too, you know, so, I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you stayed till the end. As you know, you maybe doing this alone, but you are not, you're not alone in this whole walk. You know, I'll talk to you again next week.

 

 

#parentalalienation